Kung Fu Massage Parlour - New Services!!!

Due to overwhelming response (99% negative, 1% neutral) from the Freaktopian masses, the Kung Fu Massage Parlour is expanding, after only 3 days of launch of the new business. Exciting new services will be provided as follows, with the hiring of even more incompetent Kung Fu masters from exotic places such as the Mount Er Mei Mei, Wudung Temple, and the Ancient Cemetery on Mount Zhongnan.

Skill: Nine Yin White Bone Claw (unorthodox version)

Description: For customers suffering from chronic uncontrollable itching, the masseuse will utilise her long and unwashed fingernails to claw all the skin off the customer. Alternatively, if the customer desires to lose weight quickly, the masseuse will stab her toenails into the customer’s body and absorb the fats into her own body to be converted into inner energy to service the next customer.

Strength: 2/10

Suitable for: controllable itching, obesity

Side effects: permanent scarring, permanent loss of skin or death by mincing. For liposuction services, customers may 99.9% perish as the masseuse might suck him/her drier than the Sahara Desert.

Skill: Nine Yin White Bone Claw (orthodox version)

Description: The mistress will use her sharp fingernails to burst any acne or pimple on the customer’s face. Also, she will use the sharpness of her nails to dig out every single whitehead and blackhead that exist in the pores of the customer’s face.

Strength: 1/10

Suitable: outbreaks of acne or pimples. Permanent removal of heads

Side effects: accidental decapitation or disfigurement. Squeezing black and whiteheads carries the risk of severing major arteries on the head which may lead to death via haemorrhaging, coma or permanent brain damage.

Skill: Jiu Yang Shen Gong (Nine Sun Divine Skill)

Description: An expert in this martial art will stand under a baking desert sun and mix the heat with his burning internal energy. He then hits the customer hard on the back and channels the searing energy to dispel all chills and boosts the overall vitality to encourage regeneration and healing.

Suitable for: Frostbite patients, chills and other assorted maladies

Side effects: spontaneous combustion, permanent brain damage, accidental mummification via severe dehydration. Customers who survive the heat may undergo genetic mutation and develop mutant powers or sprout extra appendages and limbs. Temporary Jesus Syndrome may be experienced*.

Price: $9999 per 0.1°C

Skill: Iron Palms

Description: Using his iron-like palms which was developed over millennia by hitting Mount Ro, the Kung Fu mistress Qiu Qianren will viciously strike the customer in the various vital accupoints and joints. This will allow the pressure points to open and let the energy and clogged blood to flow.

Suitable for: paralyzed patients. Chronic lethargy or numbness

Side effects: smashed organs, utter destruction of skeleton and death

Cost: $999 per strike and additional $9999 for unblocking each acupoint

Skill: Toad Stance

Description: The master and creator of this skill, Ouyang Feng, will take on the stance of a toad that is preparing to leap to its death. Gathering his inner energy about his legs and palms, the master will leap with great force and hit the customer hard on the chest, back or stomach to dislodge whatever they want to be dislodged.

Suitable for: pregnant women experiencing difficult labour, abortion for unwanted pregnancies, induce vomiting for anorexics, conjoined twins and customers choking on fishballs or fish bones.

Side effects: customers may be flung off their beds/feet and smash into neighbouring customers or parlour walls. Ruptured organs may result. Customers may also be split apart should the master use excessive force.

*Extracted from WoodBridge Dictionary of Medicine

Jesus Syndrome is a temporary malady which causes the patient to grow a beard like Jesus and develop a fashion sense like the Holy Son. It was also observed that the patient will be able to perform minor miracles like curing the terminally ill, parting traffic and walk on flooded drains without falling in and drowning. Symptoms of this illness are physically visible as a golden halo will surround the head, sounds of heavenly trumpets will surround the patient and puncture wounds will appear on the palms and feet of the patient, in addition to the outdated dress sense and horrible beard.

The syndrome could only be contracted by praying to god for no reason, visiting the church (blessed toilets are included) more than 365 times a day or eating a Bible (VCD, DVD and audio recordings are included are well). There is no cure for this illness and treatment is not necessary as it will pass after a decade or so, the time taken for Jesus to be arrested, tortured and crucified. The public should note that Jesus Syndrome is non-infectious.

A more severe case of Jesus Syndrome is called Hyper-divinity Syndrome. Here, the patient will have access to arcane abilities to flood Freaktopia, call forth the ten plagues or condemn ordinary mortals to Hell if they did not obey or worship the patient. Many delusional patients claimed to be inflicted with such disease, however do not exhibit symptoms such as obscurity of the face by thick clouds or bright light, booming voice and ability to smite mortals down with lightning bolts or other assorted natural or unnatural calamities.

The sole remedy for this non-infectious disease is Expiration Therapy to allow the patient depart from the mortal realm before more misfortune befalls it. Therapists are to note that all conventional methods of murder and exorcism will not work, and they are expected to perish while trying to convince the patient to expire as soon as possible.

Reported by: Duck Medium

2011 New Year Special Feature - Gullwings Exploration Corporation and the Discovery of Atlantis

Ever since the Gullwings Exploration Corporation uncovered Veggiepura and Fruitopia, Freaktopia hads experienced an alarming increase in trade, overwhelming consumption of plants as well as dramatic changes in emigration trends between the mortal and Other realm. Recently, the YRP (Yuna, Riku and Paine) exploration team chanced upon a rare, ancient and impossibly incomprehensible map when they were sifting through their Hombalaya Mountain of musty manuscripts, cluttered and cursed artefacts and stacks of coffins, sarcophaguses and freeze-dried mummies in a vain attempt to locate their ring of keys (inclusive of house, safe, bedroom, car and office ones). The map, according to archaeologists at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, was believed to be from the Lava Age, approximately 987654321123456789 years ago. Expert cartographers from the Unknown University and professors from Allopia Spy School’s linguistics department were stumped by the language, or should the Freakstimes say, the myriad of unintelligible squiggles in the form of octopuses, sea serpents, fishes, crustaceans and other assorted unknown marine biology that will make the Holy Immortal SSW froth at the mouth with uncontrollable excitement.

“My best guess would be that the language could be the written form of Atlantish, the long lost tongue of the long lost Atlantis,” inferred Professor Crabs. “I concur with Professor Crabs because the chart was filled with flowing lines that could give anyone seasickness and pictograms are that of seafood, the staple diet of Atlantians,” agreed Dr. Lobster. He said in his book, Atlantis: the Fall and Decline of a Drowning Civilisation, that the civilisation was brought down due to a lethal combination of hepatitis, poorly planned sewage system and the lack of ritual sacrifices to placate the gods of the ocean and all things liquid. Several academics in the intellectual arena have stubbornly refused to believe in the existence of Atlantis as the Makansutra said Atlantis was ‘decimated by the vile sewage it churned out which incurred the divine wrath of the gods for the stench had reached the heavens’. The Makansutra is the holiest culinary book of Freaktopia which has the most accurate historical records of the multi-verse ever since freakkind’s creation of the first curry, and its empty pages are continuously being filled every nanosecond.

Desperate to get the ancient naval chart deciphered, the Gullwings Corporation offered a reward of fifty cents to anyone who is able to translate the meaningless symbols. Unfortunately, the sole person who was capable of performing the feat had abruptly passed away when his great grandson accidentally wrote his name on a Death Note he had recently procured from e-bay. The Duck Medium was roused from its coma* to perform a spiritual summoning of the old man to assist the YRP in making sense out of the prehistoric piece of paper. However, due to the Duck Medium’s adverse reaction to all things associated with seafood, it collapsed into a dead faint which even the Wing Chun Bitch Slaps could not revive the Medium. As the High Summoner Urban Geek is currently nowhere to be found in all three realms of existence, the deciphering of the map had to be put on hold until Freak Tock Seng Hospital’s department of Spiritual Medicine could figure out a suitable treatment that would not impede the Medium’s powers or brain.

Allopia Spy School, Royal Urban University of Mutabak and the Unknown University had authenticated the map as a bona fide and an extremely valuable artefact. The Princess of Mutabak Kingdom had placed the document inside the Infidelity Library which is protected by security systems and personnel which were provided by Goldilocks and even Goldilocks herself had no idea what they are. The Princess Mutabak had received news of evil relatives collaborating with Dr. Lala Cloth of Tomb Raiders Inc. to steal the map for their own evil perverted purposes. “I would like to see them try enter the Library. That damned place is so deadly that even I, the architect, am afraid of it,” said Princess Mutabak, who was visibly shaking in a corner of her 5000 hectare bedchamber.

*The Duck Medium was suffering from acute Leaky Memory Syndrome and had foolishly decided to seek treatment at the newly opened Kung Fu Massage Parlour without bothering to read the treatments’ side effects. It went for the Luo Han Fist and Golden Needles of Jade Bee package. The package had a ten-cent discount for first-time-and-last-time customers.

Launch of Kung Fu Massage Parlour in Freaktopia!

Chinese martial arts, popularly known as "kung Fu", has developed over millions of years in the Land of Tiongs, a huge continent North of Kootupura. It includes over a thousand different sets of skills created by many different Kung Fu Masters from different sects. Besides being used for self-defense, strengthening the mind and body, and attacking adversaries, Kung Fu has also been used in sports such as soccer, lending players an incredible advantage over opponents. Indeed, the Shaolin Soccer Team has won every Inter-realm Cup since 999 B.M. (Before Murtabak)

Another area of application of Kung Fu is the Culinary Art. The Shaolin Chef Academy has consistently produced world-renowned and inter-realmly acclaimed chefs who are highly sought after by 99-stars hotels in both realms. The Shaolin Chefs use their powerful internal energy (nei gong) to simmer the broth to perfection. Some use their spectacular sword skills to slice and dice the ingredients into precise, flawless shapes and sizes. A unique skill originating from the Fire Temple Sect - the True Samadhi Fire - is the pinnacle of the culinary martial arts skill. In fact, there are only 3 Kung Fu Masters who know the True Samadhi Fire skill. Meng Po, according to rumours, stole the skill from one of the masters by seducing him with her trademark Meng Po Soup. She then went on to create the ultimate True Samadhi Fire Soup that has received rave reviews from famous food connoisseurs around the world.

And now, the great ancient art is being spread into the art of massage, which is aimed at enhancing the physical function and promoting relaxation and well-being of the body, as well as healing certain diseases. It is also very useful for treating orthopaedic problems. Traditional massage uses painstaking kneading and squeezing and punching and other hand techniques. Some non-traditional kinds include stomping on the body using the smelly feet. Kung Fu massage, in contrast, uses Kung Fu skills like the 18 Dragon-Subduing Palms (降龍十八掌) and the Luo Han Fist (羅漢拳) to achieve maximum efficiency and effectiveness (in making the customer vomit blood and possibly go into coma).

The first and only place to offer the unique Kung Fu Massage is the new Grand Kung Fu Massage Parlour. Customers can be rest assured as the Kung Fu Massage Masters have received their certification from the Kung Fu Massage Academy after going through a 2-hours training session.

The list of services, descriptions, and prices are as follows:

Skill: 18 Dragon-Subduing Palms
Description: 18 powerful strokes of the palm is delivered onto the back of the customer, with each subsequent palm of increasing strength. Customers rarely survive beyond the 9th stroke. By the 18th stroke, all the bones would have been broken and relocated, and then magically renewed.
Strength Level: 9/10
Suitable for: Severe backaches
Side effects: Customer may perish from the merciless 18 powerful strokes of the palm (98% mortality rate). Customers are advised to wear full metal armors to cushion the strong impacts (must provide yourself!)
Price: $1000 per hour

Skill: 5 Poison Palm
Description: The Kung Fu Master's palm is infused with 5 of the top most lethal poisons in the world - Tanutama Tarantula Spider Venom, King Cobra's Urine, Snowy Poision Toad Saliva, Monster Lionhead Fish Pus, and the Electric Jellyfish Essence - and the poisons are transferred into the customer's body through the Master's palm. These powerful poisons can kill off other poisons that the customer suffers from.
Strength Level: 8/10
Suitable for: Poisoning
Side effects: The 5 poisons may be able to kill other poisons but there is no antidote for these 5 posons.
Price: $999 per hour

Skill: Divine Flicking Finger (Yi Yang Zhi)
Description: Just by a flick of a finger, any dislocated bone will be pushed back in place and any sore muscle spots will be healed. The whole process takes only a split second.
Strength Level: 5/10
Suitable for: Sprains, bone dislocation, sore muscles
Side effects: None
Price: $88 per second

Skill: Dog Beating Stick
Description: Using the legendary Dog Beating Stick passed down from the Beggar Sect, the Kung Fu Master hits the customer's vital points and joints, inducing paralysis and severe internal injury. However, once total internal destruction takes place, the whole body will be renewed.
Strength Level: 9/10
Suitable for: Whole body aches
Side effects: Possible irrecoverable paralysis
Price: $999 per hit

Skill: Luo Han Fist
Description: 18 Luo Han Masters take turns to deliver deadly punches onto the customer's body with their Bronze-coated fists. The customer ultimately either dies of internal injury or from smashed organs
Strength level: 10/10
Suitable for: Stiff bones and muscles, broken bones
Side effects: Instant death
Price: $777 per fist

Skill: Iron Head Skill
Description: Using his powerful head - cultivated over centuries of head training on Mount Pra - the Master hits the customer's body to push dislocated bones back into position and to cure muscle aches.
Strength level: 9/10
Suitable for: Dislocated or broken bones, muscle sores
Side effects: Vomit blood
Price: $1000 per hit of the head

Skill: Eagle Claw
Description: With long, unkempt, eagle-like talons, the Kung Fu Master uses the Eagle Claw skill to scratch the itchy spots of the customer's body.
Strength Level: 7/10
Suitable for: Itchiness, rash
Side effects: Risk of being shredded to pieces
Price: $799 per min

Skill: Golden Needles of Jade Bee
Description: Master Xiao Long Nu from the Ancient Tomb Sect uses her patented Jade Bee Golden Needles to perform acupuncture for the customer. These needles are extremely rare and poisonous, and are very effective for treating arthritis.
Strength Level: 5/10
Suitable for: Arthritis, various diseases
Side effects: kena posioned
Price: $1001 per needle

Skill: Breaking Ice Palm
Description: The Master channels his internal energy to generate cold icy palms and then through hitting onto the customer's body, the stiffness of the entire body is dispelled.
Strength level: 7/10
Suitable for: Muscle and bone stiffness
Side effects: Hypothermia, cold
Price: $999 per palm

Skill: Taiji Quan
Description: Using painfully slow and gentle strokes of the palm to hit the customer's vital points, all sore muscles and joints are soothed with great effect.
Strength level: 1/10
Suitable for: Mild muscle aches
Side effects: None, but the process takes a looooooooong time (at least 20 hours)
Price: $999 per hour

Skill: Wing Chun Bitch Slaps
Description: The Master delivers a series of powerful bitch slaps onto the customer's body using the famous Wing Chun skill. The customer's entire body is instantly healed from all maladies.
Strength level: 8/10
Suitable for: Multipurpose
Side effects: redness and swelling from all the slapping
Price: $99 per slap

The Grand Kung Fu Massage Parlour is now open at Level 3 Bimbocity, Freaktopia.

Offer: 3% discount for first 100 customers.
Condition: Must be Starcup user

Reported by: Urban Geek

Allopia Spy School Opens New Campus in Sinkapula

Freaktopia - The prestigious education and training institute for young elites and child prodigies, Allopia Spy School, is opening a new campus on the sunny island of Sinkapula. The new campus will be headed by Mr Dumbdoor, who has previously led the Hogwash School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to the top of the College Ranking List in the Freaktopian Financial Times for 99 years in a row.

"I am very excited to join the Allopia Spy School, which has consistently produced the best spies, assassins, secret agents and other intelligence and espionage experts who have contributed greatly to the peace and chaos of Freaktopia and the Other Realm." Said Mr Dumbdoor in a press conference. According to the Director of Allopia Spy School, Mr Dumbdoor will be appointed as the Principal under a 999 years contract. During which, he will be paid an annual salary of $7.7 billion and a monthly bonus of $1.50.

The degrees and some of the modules offered for each track are as follows:
1. Ninja track
- Ninja History and Culture
- Japanese language Level 1 - 20
- Nanchaku skills Level 1 - 10
- Kata skills Level 1 - 15
- Invisibility Skills Level 1 - 10
- Tree Climbing & Jumping Skills Level 1 - 15

2. Assassin track
- Weapons theory
- Weapons practical 1: Assembly and disassembly
- Weapons practical 2: Shooting Level 1 - 20
- Sneaking Skills Level 1 - 20
- Disguising Skills Level 1 - 10
- Martial Arts (choice of Shaolin/Wudang/Emei/Foshan Sect Skills)
- Language Skills (Choice of 30 out of 50 languages offered)
- 1 year practical skills training at the Assassins Camp on Mount Ro

3. Hackers track
- Computer theory
- Hacking Basic Theory
- Hacking Skills Level 1 - 100
- Programming Skills Level 1 - 50
- Basic Spying Skills Level 1 - 5

4. Double Agent track (Choice of Triad Route or Police Route)
- Undercover Theory
- Guest Lectures and practical skills workshops by ex-undercover agents
- Undercover Skills Level 1 - 20
- Gangster Behavior and Mannerism OR Police Behavior and Mannerism
- Advanced Spying Skills Level 1 - 20
- Acting Classes Level 1 - 20

5. Detective track
- Detective Work Theory
- Forensic Theory Level 1 - 10
- Forensic Practical Level 1 - 10
- Intermediate Weapons Skills Level 1 - 5
- Intermediate Spying Skills Level 1 - 10
- Advanced Snooping Skills Level 1 - 20
- 1 year Attachment at CIA or FBI

There will be a students recruitment roadshow held on Mount Pra (location sponsored by Holy Immortal SSW) on 1st January 2012 (assuming no apocalypse occurs). Registration fee is $100000 - Admission not guaranteed unless you bribe the Registration officer with $999999999 and 2 mandarin oranges.

Talent scouts will also hunt all around Freaktopia and the Other Realm for talented candidates who can then be admitted to the new Allopia Spy School campus for free.

Reported by: Urban Geek

News Flash! War and Beauties

Freaktopia (Mutabak Kingdom) – Kaneenabo, a leading company in the beauty industry, had recently launched its new product, Forever 91, at Bimbo City. Forever 91 is a much anticipated product by the bratty underage population of Freaktopia as it hastens the consumer’s maturity and accelerates aging. Inhabitants as young as newborns are clamouring for the immediate sale of Forever 91, ever since Kaneenabo announced its intention to research for a way to solve the young consumers’ issue with age limits since last millennium.

Due to the intense marketing and promotional activities by its competitor, Forever 21 Inc, and coupled with Forever 21’s miraculous Forever 21 Beauty Pills which grant the consumers everlasting youth and retained the looks they had when they were 21, all of Kaneenabo’s customers flocked over to Forever 21 Inc in an instant. As a result, the company suffered tremendous loss of profits and was on the brink of bankruptcy.

However, Kaneenabo decided to make a comeback by introducing a different and unique product of a contrasting nature to the Forever 21 beauty pills. Forever 91 causes the consumers to physically age so rapidly that they are 91 years old in the battling of a heavily-coloured eyelid, yet retaining their original mental age.

The company is glad to announce that the effect is permanent, irreversible and cannot be counteracted by the immortalising properties of any substance containing traces of Essence of SSW. Being matured externally, the underage consumer is able to watch R21 movies, purchase cigarettes and alcohol, purchase firearms, purchase or rent cars and enter clubs and brothels though his/her/its identification card says otherwise. Furthermore, Forever 91 allows the consumer to retain the visage they had when they were 91!

Ms Ah Ma, President of the Association of Endangered Elderly and the founder of the Institute for the Hopelessly Single, attended the product launch together with a truckload of old folks and an army of unmarried, unwanted and undesirable singles. “Forever 91is absolutely incredible!” exclaimed Ms Ah Ma excitedly before going into cardiac arrest. “I cannot remember how I look since I was 91,” quipped Mr Ah Pek, 92.

Forever 91, is now available in all major shopping centres, 7-11s, neighbourhood mama shops and elderly homes near you. Anyone with a birth certificate is entitles to an additional tax of 1700% for every purchase. Produce your receipt and enjoy a free matchmaking session with any candidate of your choice from the Institute for the Hopelessly Single.
- Reported by Duck Medium

Kaneenabo had submitted an official complaint, together with laboratory results from the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, to King Yama, ruler of the Other Realm, claiming that the Forever 21 beauty pill contained generous amounts of Essence of Immortal SSW, a mysterious substance that was scientifically and spiritually proven to grant irreversible immortality.

The complaint was made through the Duck Medium. The file caused King Yama to burst several major arteries as Forever 21 denied him his claim on spirits. The Other Realm had sent an order to stop all production and sale of Forever 21 to Princess Mutabak, the monarch ruling the Mutabak Kingdom with gauntleted fists.

“A recent treaty signed by Freaktopia, Heavenly Realm and the Other Realm stated the Essence of Immortal SSW as a Class S controlled substance as it is capable of causing widespread devastation to all planes of existence due to its invincible and irreversible immortalising property,” intoned the Princess Mutabak in a brain-dead voice.

“SSW Immortal Products could only be sold to certified immortals, deceased and those conducting celestial research at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak’s Department of Theoretical and Practical Immortality,” said the Princess after punching a Straights Times reporter full in the face when the deaf imbecile asked the Her Highness to repeat her previous statement.

“I, hereby, decree all consumers of Forever 21 to undergo Expiration Therapy at Freak Tock Seng Hospital until they are fully de-immortalised. Forever 21 Inc is to cease all production and sale immediately, although I would like to have a carton of it as a sample,” said the Princess Mutabak before retiring back to her Royal Palace and slamming the newly-replaced door off its hinges.

-additional reporting by Duck Medium

News Flash! F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix

Eggplant Expressway (Veggiepura) – This year’s annual F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix will be held in Veggiepura after the vegetarian nation won the hosting bid by a huge margin as the other competitors’ representatives mysteriously vanished or wound up in the country’s mortuary in ash urns, cola bottles, packed into packets of NTUC minced pork.


“Veggiepura is proud to host this year’s F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix. We are confident of winning the hosting bid as lots of ‘preparation’ and ‘careful planning’ have been done to ensure success. The event will definitely garner lots of visitors from Freaktopia, the Heavenly Realm and the Other Realm as Veggiepura has worked hard to prevent live broadcast, online streaming, satellite spying and crystal ball viewing of the event,” said a spokesperson from Veggiepura’s Ministry of Information, Communication and Arts. It also mentioned that the country is going make the event the most exciting, costliest and bloodiest in the history of F5 racing.

The F5 Inter-realm Racing Committee (FIRC) revealed plans to select Veggiepura’s Eggplant Expressway as the race’s course. Eggplant Expressway boasts an impressive length of 987654321 km with a total of 987654321000 Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) gantries. Each gantry is located just 1 metre from the next and charges $100 for passing through it. To ensure that the country will not suffer from revenue loss, all participating vehicles will be installed with a device that blows up the vehicle and its driver with the force of 200 nuclear warheads should it try to pass through a gantry with insufficient cash. The Eggplant Expressway begins at the foot of Mount St. Salad and wound itself around the mountain’s treacherous slopes. It then enters the mountain at the summit, roller-coaster itself through the mountain’s pitch black interior and exit out into Scarecrow Field, which is populated by residential possessed scarecrows and spectral crows. According to the ruling of F5, racers are required to make 999 rounds around the race circuit to complete it.

The Freakstimes understands that the FIRC intends to have several racing vehicles sabotaged, coating the mountainous tracks with Extra-Slip Canola Cooking Oil and booby-trapping Scarecrow Field with ZGMF-666s Legendary Landmines. The sabotaged vehicles will have their brakes removes, wheels loosened and have a contorted Al-Thosai suicide bomber expertly planted and concealed beneath the driver’s seat. Meanwhile, coating the race tracks with cooking oil will give bookies all over Freaktopia to open more windows for illegal betting such as which particular racer will slip off the mountain to its death at the 554th corner and how many racers will zoom off the cliff at top speed.

Finally, the planting of landmines in Scarecrow Field will give racers trained in Minesweeper a chance to outstrip their speedier counterparts who are pondering over the possible mine locations for a time long enough for the Duck Medium to reincarnate several times. These are some of the actions the FIRC will be taking to give the F5 race a more exciting vibe and the surprise to keep the audience glued permanently to their seats.

“Of course, enthusiastic audiences are very much welcomed to join their favourite racers in the race by running beside them, or welding themselves to the vehicles,” said Mr Zhng Engine, the chairperson of the organising committee. He added that any additional ideas or efforts to increase the body count are much appreciated and will be placed into action without any delay. It is revealed that all funeral costs and repairs to damaged public and private properties will be handled by the racers.

F5, held annually in different parts of Freaktopia, is the grandest and most anticipated racing event in the history of Freaktopia. It involves highly-trained mutabaks travelling at a breakneck speed of 0.1mm per hour in professional racing trishaws. Over several uncountable millennia, the rules have mutated and today, racers are allowed to use vehicles such as unicycles and push carts. Several critics speculated that some might be using toy scooters, NTUC trolleys and wheelchairs installed with jet engines or propellers.

There has not been a champion since 35,000 BM (Before Mutabak) as all of the participants perished within 10cm of the starting line. It was forecasted by the High Summoner Urban Geek and Duck Medium that all of the racers will die from diseases, curses, accidents and other assorted misfortunes and unforeseen circumstances before the starting horn goes off. Several racers such as Ferrero Asshole and Michelle Shoemaker took the predictions very seriously and had employed the Duck Medium to bribe King Yama of the Other Realm to allow them to survive the race, although no promises of avoiding misfortunes such as loss of limbs, paralysis and permanent coma were made. “Maybe I might get a Replacement Slave from Shop N Slave to take my place,” said a paranoid Mr Asshole who started seeing death portents everywhere since the spiritual proclamations by the Medium and Summoner.

- Reported by Mr Sam Spoiler and additional reporting by F5 correspondent, Mr Bob Bodywork

News Flash! - Ministry of Education Makes Landmark Education Reform

Royal Urban University of Mutabak (Freaktopia) – Mutabak Kingdom’s top-ranking university, the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, might soon face intense academic and economic competition as the kingdom’s Ministry of Education decided (after several centuries of debate and procrastination) to remove the education sector’s barriers to entry, after being criticized by countless students (who failed to get a place) and parents, as a source of suicide, homicide, genocide and the cause of all sins, social ills and the ultimate destroyer of lives, future, families and dreams.

The decision to allow foreign universities from strange continents and alien lands to set up shop on the vast and expansive lands of Mutabak Kingdom is to explore and open up new sources of revenue for the empire, in other words; finding new, innovative and politically innocent ways to fleece unsuspecting citizens of their money. The Finance Ministry’s statement given to FreaksTimes claimed that the kingdom is in excellent financial health, although it said the additional national income could be used to invest in areas of research such as the improvement in immortality technology, betterment of spiritual infrastructure between Freaktopia and the Other Realm, and the making of curry missiles and other assorted spicy armaments to improve its national defense system.

Till date, only the Unknown University and Crampbridge University have successfully obtained the approval from the Ministry of Education via bribery and threats of culinary violence. Several applicants such as Harvest University, Woodbridge University and Imperial Fijian Institute of Cannibalism have submitted their applications together with enclosed bribes ranging from $7 to $999 trillion in cheque, cash or its equivalent.

At a press conference held at Allopia Spy School’s janitor’s closet, the Princess said: “with the influx of educational *cough* institutions from all over the place, we can all bear witness to more frantic students and kiasu parents trying to sabotage and do each other in, in the vain attempt of trying to graduate from school alive.” When asked on the expected mortality rate of students in Freaktopia, the Princess Mutabak sagely and coyly replied that more funeral directors are hired to handle the highly probable escalation in body count and homicide cases. Minister in the Princess’s Toilet advised parents to top up their offspring’s insurance and make necessary arrangements with the family coroner and funeral director should some lethal event misfortune befall on them.

Reported by: Duck Medium