Monday, March 29, 2010

News Flash! - News in 1 Minute

Freaktopia Murtabak Kingdom - The revenant Duck Buddha has gone on a pilgrimage to the Calm Lands to aid YRP (The GullWings Explorer Corporation) in their World saving endeavours and will only be back to resume his reporting duties after his mission is accomplished.

The Princess of Murtabak has been quarantined in her Murtabak Palace (Under the Staircase on Level 3) due to her suspected infection of Mad Duck Disease. All the citizens of Murtabak Kingdom are praying for her recovery.

The Holy Immortal SSW has retreated to Mount Pra where he can concentrate on creating the next batch of Immortal Pills. His company's business is booming and he plans to set up his Divine Pharmacy at all Whatsons outlets so that everyone can obtain Holy drugs and supplements conveniently and at an affordable price.

The High Sorceress is buried among her pile of books in the Great Library of Allopia Spy School, preparing for the impending Imperial Exams. The spells she casted in her practice sessions in the library has caused 97% of the library books to burn to ashes.

Reported by: Urban Geek

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

News Flash! - Cherubs on Strike, causing Mayhem in the Heavenly Realm

Thunder Monastery (Heavenly Realm) - Of late, due to the recent economic collapse, sinking of Sinkapoor, catastrophic earthquakes hitting Mati and severe SNSD infestation, trillions of prayers were being delivered up to heaven by the underpaid and disgruntled cherubs. The last straw came when the Jade Emperor decided to call for a pay cut of all immortals and celestial beings due to the mounting budget deficit.

This is because the economic situation in the Heavenly Realm seemed to mirror that of the mortal realm, as the Lama Brothers collapsed overnight and plunged the divine economy into a recession, causing the Heavenly notes currency to depreciate by nearly 4000% and several major religions to declare bankruptcy. The Jade Holdings had to be bailed out of bankruptcy by the Buddha Association as it had lost nearly 99.9% of its total assets. This disastrous move has certainly lived up to its name as the lower-caste heavenly beings decided to go on strike, throwing the Heavenly Realm into a state of chaos, mayhem and lunacy.

The cherubs, who used to be chubby with rosy complexion and infectious cheer, became thin, gaunt and moody as they were being overworked by their senior immortals who included their mountain of undone domestic chores and other assorted errands into the little cherubs’ list of never-ending workload.

Despite the mountainous piles of complaints filed by these little guys to the Ministry of Divine Labour, their work environment seemed to have taken a 360° turn for the worse as many were being forced to become practice targets for gods who are seeking to hone their hopelessly rusted skills, while others were being kidnapped and subjected to demented experiments by the Eastern Star Immortal (CEO of Celestial Pharmaceutical Ltd) or being forced to become guinea pigs for Immortal SSW’s failed products. The labour environment proved to have become a bleak climate of hopeless slavery as the Cherub Action Party (CAP) was underfunded and could not make a case against other established senior deities.

Besides the poor work environment, the cherubs were also subjected to heavy stress as they have to live in constant 24-hour fear of being sacked from their jobs. Due to their lack of heavenly powers, the cherubs are ranked at the lowest rung of the celestial hierarchy and were given only lowly-paid manual jobs.

Being paid at an impossibly low wage rate of $1.10 per millennium, the cherubs were literally starving to death and living in perpetual poverty in the light of sky-rocketing inflation and rising cost of living. They are commanded to work nonstop for 24 hours with no leave, work incentive or benefits. Somehow their working conditions bear some similarity to that set by SME (Sado-Masochism Entertainment).

Fed up with the poor working conditions and environment, the unhappy cherubs held an underworld meeting and came to the decision of having a strike after witnessing half of their brethren dropping dead out of sheer exhaustion or committing suicide due to depression. The dead bodies were simply incinerated at the Eight-Trigrams Power Station to generate electricity for the Heavenly Realm’s consumption.

During the cherubs’ strike, no prayers were delivered to the gods, leaving the mortals on the Mortal Realm and Freaktopia completely clueless and leading them to speculate wild guesses on why their fervent prayers for rich family members not dying of accidents remain unanswered or the reason for not winning TOTO despite the extravagant offerings made to the gods.

Besides undelivered and unanswered prayers and requests for curses, the gods now need to manually handle their mundane domestic chores themselves. Explosions from failed cooking attempts are a common occurrence during the period of the strike. Furthermore, several buddhas were admitted to the Heavenly University Hospital for fractured hips as there is no cherub to hold them while they go to the bathrooms.

Several elderly Enlightened Ones were hospitalised for Acute Stiff Back Syndrome (ASBS) as they spent too much time meditating on their lotus seats without the hourly massage advised by the heavenly healers. One Buddha fell into an irrecoverable coma as he meditated too deeply without any cherub to club him to consciousness when he crossed the line into mental oblivion.

After suffering for 3 hours without any cherub to holler at, dissect or abuse, the gods are beginning to suffer from extremely bad temper and are on the verge of committing divine homicide. The God of Wind simply carried out its job by fanning the flames, while the God of Fire continues to add fuel to fire. It seems like the Heaven is now a boiling pot of celestial temper with temperatures running so high that it will put the legendary True Samadhi Fire to shame.

The Jade Emperor, together with other major divinities, made an appeal to the Cherub’s Action Party to begin multi-way negotiations. The CAP called for more funding, larger premises with gold taps and a small army of National Cadet Corpse as security guards. A Jade Holdings spokesperson said “Jade Holdings is planning to consult its mortal cheaporella counterpart, SME, on ways of how to fleece the CAP and its ignorant cherubs in order to save more budget”.

-reported by Duck Medium

Friday, March 19, 2010

Lethal Disease Compendium Top 5 Diseases

Brought to you by the Freak Tock Seng Medical Research Department

Disease: Immortality


Cowford Definition: Immortality is a state of psychology. Being is what determines being as being, that which is known as being in the sense of a being. So to unbecome a being, the being will have to be an unbeing to be a being that is not a being. Hence, the immortal being is no longer a being but an eternal entity that transcends all being and it lacks the being of being a being. In other words, the immortal is not a mortal. Duh!

Immortal SSW’s diagnosis: People who have attained immortality should ideally have reached a state of Zen and Nirvana like myself. Otherwise, their continued existence would be a waste of resources to Freaktopia. People who have inadvertently, accidentally, illegally or forcefully turned into an Immortal without having a licence from the Buddha Association of Buddhas (BAB) are classified as Diseased Immortals and will be exiled via Expiration Therapy, as explained in the treatment process below.


1. Consuming the rare Immortality Essence manufactured once every millennium by Immortal SSW Inc
2. Exposure to Immortality fumes which are byproducts of Immortality Pill production
3. Illegally consuming the Heavenly Peach stolen from The Mutabak Palace Forbidden Garden
4. Restriction of Entry Summons from the Underworld

Mortality Rate: Immortality! Get it?

Recommended Treatment: Expiration Therapy carried out by inexperienced and highly incompetent psychiatrists. The Therapy consists of 3 steps: First, sell salted duck eggs for a month, then kick the bucket exercise for a month, followed by digging own grave and building own coffin. Those who fail to unimmortalize themselves after the Expiration Therapy will be sent to the Underworld to train as Hell Guards (Ox head or Horse Face).

Disease: Sogginess

Causes: Drenched by Coconut Milk, Curry Rain, Mee Siam Soup or Mee Rebus Gravy. Drenching by Chinese style soup causes shriveling instead, which is incurable.

Mortality Rate: 80%
Description: A relatively mild disease compared to Immortality, Sogginess causes Pratas and Thosais to crumble into soggy, flaky bits comparable to McDonald’s fries that have been left out in the air for 100 years. Victims will be immobilized in their state of sogginess until the liquid is extracted by extremely painful means as described below.

Recommended Treatment: Liquid Extraction by Microwaving, Ovening or Steamroller-pressing. Mild cases can be treated by a little sun-tanning or blow-drying using a hairdryer.

Disease: Spontaneous Combustion

Causes: Unknown. According to Biohazard Scientist, one possible cause is the Global Warming.

Mortality Rate: 99%

Description: Victims will be just walking on the road, going about their daily mundane activities when…”POOF!” they become engulfed by a ball of flames which inevitably burns them to a delicious, crispy and crunchy remnants. Passer-bys are advised to quickly eat the leftover pieces for good luck.

Recommended Treatment: Very difficult to treat when the combustion process is over within a few seconds. However, it is recommended that all thosais and pratas carry fire extinguishers around with them for cautionary purposes. The portable fire extinguishers weigh 20kg and can be purchased at Duck Buddha’s Multipurpose Shop.

Disease: Multipox

Causes: Watching too much SNSD MTVs

Mortality Rate: 99.9%

Description: Multipox consists of chicken pox, curry pox, white pox, black pox, mini pox, mega pox, etc etc etc. Victims are identified by the multiple colorful poxes of different sizes on their body. An extremely deadly disease, it has so far claimed the lives of all SNSD MTV watchers.
Recommended Treatment: Watch Wondergirls MTV

Disease: Mad Duck Disease

Causes: Consuming Duck Matter that has not undergone the Holy Chant by Duck Buddha himself.

Mortality Rate: 98%

Description: This dreadful disease causes the victim to act like a deranged, unhinged duck that goes around quacking and waddling incessantly. The high mortality rate is the result of irritated passer-bys murdering them.

Recommended Treatment: Esuna, Panacea, or Elixir, all of which can be purchased at Allopia Spy School White Magic Pharmacy

Reported by: Urban Geek

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Last Will and Testament from the Duck Buddha

Anyone or anything that has an Internet connection and an interest in the on-goings of the K-pop fraternity would be bound to know that the musical climate is being badly polluted by the SNSD’s wonderful vocals resembling fingernails on a chalk board, or a Jigglypuff with throat cancer.

Furthermore, the innocent screens and eyeballs of several millions across the universe got defiled by the obscene appearance of the nine convulsing plastics who rudely pushed and shove other established celebrities off the stage just to bull their way into the camera’s view, bringing cheap pornography and everlasting nightmares to homes. And the last thread of patience snapped when SONEs, worshippers of SNSD, infiltrated the sacred sanctuary of STAND (Standing Till All Nine Die) forum and defiled its sanctity with their brainlessness. Day after day, night after night, the STAND members wage a war against the pestilential CONEs in an attempt to make their forum pure and immaculate once again. With this article, I am assured that SONEs are bound to place a bounty on my head.

But, alas! The obtuse SONEs somehow were able to make full use of the little intelligence, granted to them by the grace and mercy of the Almighty, and utilise their cowardice and shamelessness (learnt from SNSD themselves) to infiltrate STAND. Can one imagine the agony of having to tell one, who is as hopelessly thick as Whiskie (the Royal canine of Mutabak Palace) to shut up and go away? Not surprisingly, the plastic heads preserve in their fruitless endeavour and stayed in the forum, where the STANDs simply use cool logic, pure reasoning and concrete-hard evidence to blast SONEs into cyber oblivion and to their kingdom come.

Staying true to their name, the SONEs, being the plastic they are, are inelastic in their arguments and recycle each other’s words as imagination is beyond their mental capability and creativity is a concept they can hope to but never to grasp. Seriously, in my opinion, arguing with a SONE is a complete waste of time, energy and youth. This is because these precious resources could be used to produce more Anti-SNSD parodies which will garner lots of support for Wonder Girls and simultaneously driving SONE’s up the wall and through the ceiling, which results in SNSD taking another 8-months hiatus just because they are too unpopular, unwanted and too distressed to conduct anymore screeching or lollipop waving. Do you know that quarrelling with a SONE is equivalent to arguing with a kid? Look at the example below:

STAND member: is too!
SNSD member: is not!

And the same words repeat until one give up (very unlikely) or until both died (guaranteed)
STANDs, my love, demean not your integrity and intellect, for SONEs, the poor lamentable things, are merely primal life forms. It is to STAND’s greatest advantage and benefit to show sympathy to SONE’s for being the brainwashed, dim-witted and shallow feral animals they are, for being magnanimous is being Buddha. Amitabha.

Before I breathe my last, allow me to present a parting gift to my dear, dear SONEs:

Shall I compare thee to a neutron star?
Thou art more hostile and almost as dense:
Rough words from thee most plentiful by far,
And often they just plain fail to make sense:
Sometime too hot thy temper cannot quell,
And often dost thou spew unreas'ning hate;
In all thy supernovas I catch naught,
And can but duck and hope it doth abate;
But thy acidic tongue shall wag senselessly,
Nor lose possession of thy superficiality;
Nor shall even Death slow the torrent,
For thou shall hassle me 'til Time doth quit:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long will I be sore annoyed by thee

By: Duck Buddha

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

News Flash!

Freak Tock Seng Hospital (Mutabak Kingdom, Freaktopia) – The Princess Mutabak was admitted into Freak Tock Seng Hospital after being viciously clubbed on the head by a full 5-litre metallic water bottle by a jealous and irrational SNSD fan. Doctors fear the worst, while the imperial embalmers are planning in advance for a state funeral should the royal princess expires from her grievous injury.

According to military investigations, the Princess Mutabak was chatting happily to her Filipino friend on the bus about the fact that SNSD really cannot dance, cannot sing and are terminal plastics, when the accused eavesdropped on the conversation. The friend of the Princess was also an anti-SNSD as she felt disgusted about how the nine epileptic mannequins dare to proclaim themselves as the representatives of ancient girls. It was then the male SONE started to suffer from a rabies relapse as soon as its audio senses detected signs of insults directed at its plastic idol. It began to engage the Princess Mutabak in a heated argument about how great SNSD is and how the Wonderfuls are blind to the beauty of plasticity. Of course, the royal highness, who prides herself as a being of intelligence, poise and graciousness, refused to engage in the senseless banter with the idiotic and sexually deprived male organism. She turned away from the argument. And that was the fatal mistake that earned the Princess a one-way express ticket to Freak Tock Seng Hospital.

The rabid plastic worshipper whipped out the murder weapon from its plastic bag and struck a death blow to the head of the Princess Mutabak, which shattered her egg membrane-like skull. However, the Royal Princess of Imperial Mutabak is not going down without a fight as priests at the Macarena Temple had said that she is the reincarnation of Xena: the Warrior Princess and the undisputed world champion at the Heavyweight Punch Bag event in the Olympigs Games. She gathered the last of her strength (which is gushing out like sewage out of a burst pipe) and took a well-aimed swing at the synthetic head of her attacker with her Prata bag*. The contact between the bag with the fragile plastic skull of the SNSD fan caused it to collapse like a badly constructed Lego building. But sadly, the Princess fainted due to excessive blood loss as blood was spraying out of her head like a bloody fountain.

After spending almost 72 hours on the dissection table, the Princess Mutabak was rescued from the jaws of death with a combination of SSW Immortal Pills, Duck Buddha threatening to plague the Other Realm with a lethal combination of Leech and TFM, and the High Summoner Geek remarking that she would sue the pants off SME and SNSD for placing the life of a royalty in jeopardy. The miraculous recovery of Her Highness greatly disappointed the Imperial Embalmers as it was nearly 4 day the last time they celebrated the state funeral of an executed minister who allowed the Nasi Briyani incident to escalate into a dimensional catastrophe.

Her Highness, heeding the warnings of her trusted AIDS, I mean aide, braced herself for a roof-shattering sermon from Queen Mutabak. She expected the Queen to copy the Duck Buddha‘s mother’s words and go: “Why are you so stupid? Who asked you to go and hit back?! God knows whether that guy will wait for you every day on the same bus, same time, until he stabs you to death”. But, the Queen Mutabak simply ignored the incident as she had quelled her anger by beheading, disembowelling and dismembering the culprit while the oblivious princess was in a coma.

* God knows what is in the damned bag as it weighs more than an adult killer whale. The forensic department is still emptying the bag which contained an interesting assortment of items ranging from a television to a live zebra. A decomposing skeleton was recovered, but the Princess said “leaving the skeleton in my closet is too dangerous as the nosy Queen Mutabak might accidentally excavate it while digging through my mountain of clothes with a spade. Having the skeleton in my handbag is safer”.

-written by Sinner-rella. Additional reporting by Duck Buddha

Sunday, March 14, 2010

News Flash! K-Pop Fever - SNSD vs Wondergirls!

Mutabak Kingdom (Freaktopia) – SME (Sado-Masochism Entertainment), hailed by the Duck Buddha’s mother as the reigning king of cheaporella to whom she had grudgingly lost her title and crown to, is rumoured to be producing a ‘new and original’ song for SNSD entitled “Somebody” by copying the Wonder Girl’s hit song, Nobody. Yeah right. Very original indeed.

It is widely known - with the exception of SONES, worshippers of SME and dirty old men - that the cheapskate is completely incapable of writing lyrics of his own, let alone choreographing dance steps that do not resemble physiotherapeutic exercises for his nine stroke-stricken mannequins.

However, he is the undisputed champion, with an inborn talent for, in buying over and plagiarising the genius of others and posing them as his ‘masterpiece’. By duping an innocent and fledging Super Junior into signing a 15-year slave contract, he literally worked them to the bones by overloading the poor guys with endless performances until he becomes rich (from milking them until they are drier than the Sahara Desert) before exiling them to China when he got sick and tired of them. The same goes for BOA who was banished to the United States of America. It seems like the nine walking plastic surgery advertisements are the favourites of SM, as he allowed them to eat, shit, sleep around and hurl abuses and insults at other more established celebrities whenever they feel like it.

Have you ever wondered what SNSD do during their 8-month long hiatus? My best guess is either endless shopping sprees for lingerie-like clothes or perhaps taking courses in bitch behavioural sciences. In contrast, JYP insists that his Wonder Girls go to school if they must (and woe betide them if they do badly), and voluntary work is part and parcel of their celebrity schedule.

Personally, the video of the wonder Girls helping out at the home for the handicapped children is so heart-wrenching that the holy Duck Buddha used up an entire carton of Kleenex tissue paper*.

Of course SME raised the fair point of SNSD helping mothers to take care of their children; it is rather the case that the children were delivered to the studio instead of the 9 hopeless cases going to the homes of needy families. Not forgetting a comment by a SNSD fan who claimed the ‘girls’ to be talented. Well, I cannot find a reason to disagree as they are really talented in subjecting an innocent baby to life-threatening viruses by letting him bite on the dirty blimp that they had put on him after it had dropped onto the floor. The parents must have been bribed by SME not to sue him and SNSD or perhaps they have too many children to spare.

But I have digressed as I cannot help ranting and raving like a crazed duck infected with Mad-Corpse Disease whenever the delightful topic of SME and SNSD pops up. Back to the subject of Somebody, the new original production by SME the photocopy machine. Wonderful, die hard but logical and reasonable fans of the Wonder Girls, have speculated that the nine spastics would be taking all the leaves out of the Wonder Girl’s book by donning on saris that have enough cloth area to modestly clothe an infant.

‘After thinking for several seconds, I have decided that SNSD would not be dancing around microphone stands. They will be dancing around nine coconut trees to give Somebody a more ethnic feel, compared to the out-dated retro feel of Nobo…” said SM Lee (Sado-Masochistic Lee) before a truck interrupted the interview by driving full-speed into the exact spot where that hateful organism was seated, before it could complete the rest of its nonsensical babbling. Don’t you find this accident a little familiar to Final Destination? Priests at the Macarena Temple had interpreted this as a revelation from God, who became allergic to his incessant yapping and had decided to bring forward Lee’s expiry date, much to the despair of the Other Realm**.

Much to the delight of Wonderfuls, the rumour saying that SNSD will be going over to JYP was recently found to be untrue. It was discovered that SME spread the rumour in hope of helping the well-disliked SNSD to gain some fame as it took an eight-decade long hiatus after Wonder Girls, DBSK, BOA, Super Junior and many other celebrities began to make a Korea comeback one after another.

“I would rather close shop and commit suicide than let SNSD enter JYP,” said JYP who was throwing SNSD dolls after SNSD dolls into the company’s newly-installed incinerator after several incidents of SONES sending him scantily clad figurines of SNSD in hope of brainwashing him. “If SNSD is going to represent the girl generation of today, I am going to go for a sex change,” said the Princess Mutabak in an I-mean-it tone. This statement has caused tremendous worries for Queen Mutabak and raised Princess Puree’s perfectly-plucked eyebrows.

So,what are the lame reasons SONEs give for liking the nine artificial plastics? Some cliché ones are like “ooh, Yoonarrgh is so pretty” and “Seowho? can really dance”. Are SONEs blind, deaf or simply mentally and physically challenged? Anyone with functioning eyeballs, intact eardrums and enough mental functions can tell that SNSD is completely unsynchronised in their dance steps and somehow, they claim to be unfortunate enough to suffer from countless incidents of malfunctioning microphones.

Again, the priests at Macarena Temple take that to be another divine revelation from God that He might subject them to A Series of Unfortunate Events. SNSD can really dance, but I have yet to hear any justification from SONEs on why Turdfanny kept on messing up her dance moves for two years and is still committing the same mistakes. It seems like Turdfanny is the extra in SNSD as she is always seen bulling her way into the camera’s view, a scene you often witness when Ah Sohs push and shove their way to board the public buses and trains. Sure, countless dirty old men and deprived boys are yearning for SNSD’s company in their bed.

*Intermission* Projectile vomit. Merlion. (reader discretion is advised)

Really, I would rather have Sadako and Kayako sharing my bed than have the nine nightmarish mannequins climbing into my bed. Suddenly the idea of becoming gay is extremely inviting. If SNSD ever does that, I would rather sleep in a high security bank vault which is protected by Goldilocks security systems.

Cute. You call SNSD cute. I say puke. First of all, can someone just deal with their plastic faces? According to field observations conducted by stalker-rellas hired by the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, it was discovered that a SNSD member piles on more make-up than Marked Lee and Faint Wong added together. In a Youtube video, I had saw ??? (I don’t really know the name as all nine are so damn identical) crying as she received some 300 plus hate mail in one serving, telling her to fuck off and her singing is really horrid (give a round of applause for that stated fact). OH MY GOD! Look at the running eye-liner and trail of washed-away foundation. Do you want to know why the snobbish SNSD ignored their fans? It is because if they smile, their plastic faces would crack from the severe strain caused by the herculean effort of contorting their facial features into that of a smile.

With the protective layer of cosmetics caking away, their deluded fans would be enlightened to the fact that the SNSDs’ perfect faces are as perfect as Faint Wong’s i.e. marred with pimples, acnes, scars, blackheads, whiteheads, moles and scars from countless failed plastic surgeries. I think even the magic mirror in Snow White would shatter in suicide rather than reflect their image in itself. If SNSD is really ‘pretty’, then the visages of their fans are really left much to be desired. To add medicated oil to the flames, one of the SNSD members looks like a freakin’ man before intensive plastic surgery.

At least the Wonder Girls are ordinary-looking and so are their fans. In defence of SNSD’s snobbish attitude, several CRONEs claimed that their and their idols share excellent personalities. Really? Let’s see. How about the incident where the Princess Mutabak got her head smashed with a filled metal water bottle by a SNSD fanatic. Therefore I conclude that SNSD and their fans are violent, bloodthirsty, unreasonable and barbaric.

I simply cannot believe that SNSD is so modest. They actually wore pants (for the first and last time) in the music video of Gee, although those appropriate clothing somehow disappeared into the thin air. Wait, that is only skin-deep modesty (pun intended). Once they won nine consecutive awards for whatever pathetic song they sang, and they harped on that microscopic achievement for several months like a broken tape recorder stuck on replay. On the other hand, the Wonder Girls won 12 awards for “Tell Me”, the highest in history, and humbly continued to work hard without as much self-generated fuss and hooha as the nine big mouths.

The Imperial Princess of Mutabak called for a meeting of Parliament, after several millions were admitted to Freak Tock Seng Hospital for epileptic spasms, to address the national problem. At the Sultana, the coroner’s report pointed its rheumatic finger at SNSD’s Gee music video, saying that the abominable creation is capable of inducing fits, retardation and mannequinism (where a mutabak irreversibly transfigures into a plastic mutabak). The Pincess Mutabak made a plea to her citizens not to mix Ghee with Gee, as the consequence will be very, very dire.

Sigh. Back to the carbon-dated topic of fashion between SNSD and Wonder Girls. Speaking of fashion, the CRONEs said Wonder Girls cannot dress to save their own lives, but the Duck Buddha say SNSD is simply the embodiment of embarrassment and shame and the epitome of fashion catastrophe. Just think for a second, how in Freaktopia is military uniform (I mean half uniform as you cannot count the booty short as a uniform. It is a lingerie) even relevant to Genie?

Sure Wonder Girls dress conventionally and conservatively, but at least parents do not shriek “PORN!” when they are on screen, unlike some nine synthetics. Anyone can be a fortune teller when it comes to predicting what SNSD would be wearing. Sure enough the prognostications would include panty-like shorts and bra-like shirts. Why not throw in some striptease since SNSD is cheap and shameless enough to dress in undergarment-like clothing.

However, SME called for a sponsored press conference (another blatant display of his cheaporellaness) and there he said “Yoonargh wears everything so short, she might as well not wear anything. I sincerely wish that Spoilt Niece, Yoonargh, Seowho?, Mr Tae, Jerksicka, Soo Not Young, Eewwri and Hyungman could follow her example. This would help SME to scrimp on costume budget”.

And Holy Mother of Jesus! The lollipop*** waving is so obscene that I have sworn never to eat one ever again. Even infants and toddlers are boycotting lollipops until SNSD stop abusing that innocent diabetes-causing candy in their eye and screen defiling acts.

If silence is cash, then SNSD must be living in perpetual poverty (that explains their tiny cloths and starved features) as somehow Turdfanny and Mr. Tae are biologically incapable of keeping their trap shut for even a split second. SNSD is often featured on variety shows insulting their seniors****, demeaning them, demoralising them or simply criticising others as though they are perfect. That’s right, they are perfect plastics. And if brains are money, they will never be able to break free from the poverty cycle as all nine do not have enough cranial cells put together to come up with intelligent remarks. Somehow, their words are as superficial as them. The next time SNSD open its mouth, someone should say this to them: “your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good. You don’t open your mouth; I won’t tell others that you are a moron”.

But I, the magnanimous Duck Buddha, shall forgive the nonsensical gibbers of SNSD, for one cannot blame them for their stupidity as SME picked them for their bitchiness, sluttiness and plasticity. For once, I agree with SONEs that SNSD is one and united. This is because any normal human being will be completely unable to differentiate Plastic Soo Not Young from Plastic Yoonargh. I think it is either Hyungman or Spoilt Niece (maybe it is Turdfanny or even Jerksicka) saying that Super Junior is not united. The nine polyester have absolutely no right to utter such ironic statement as Jerksicka is living up to her name (proudly given to her by her equally despotic parents) by being mean to her group members, while Ms Spoilt Niece cannot coordinate her bodily movements to match with the spiritual possession convulsions of the remaining members. It appears that the members of SNSD suffer from eye-thought-limb coordination disorder. Girl Generation (shouldn’t it be Gee Generation, since dirty old men love it so much) have so much unity that they will put the Very United Nations to shame.

On a final thought, if there is SME, why can’t there DME (Duck Medium Entertainment)? And before I lay my keyboard and myself to eternal rest, let me give SNSD my final gift; The Pledge.

We, the brainwashed fans of SNSD,
Poise ourselves as one united ahjuushi
Regardless of cannot sing, cannot dance or plastic face,
To desire for more epileptic convulsions,
Based on sunbae leeching and pornographic exposure
So as to achieve more butt-shakings, shorter booty shorts and lollipop waving,
For our sick pleasures.

* Duck Medium’s mother: Ah Boy, use toilet paper. It is cheaper. You think I go and print money, is it? Tissue paper very expensive, especially Kleenex brand.

**The Other Realm has every right to despair as the expiry of SM Lee means that he will definitely create an afterlife version of SNSD and turn the Other Realm upside-down and inside-out. President Yen Lo has sent pleas of aid to High Summoner Geek, Duck Medium, Nekomancer and Immortal SSW.

***The Princess Mutabak expressed her primal urge to snatch the oversized lollipop and unceremoniously plunge it down the throat of the Plastic Generation. Of course for safety reasons, the Princess would be clad in Anti-SNSD suit, made by Immortal SSW and Duck Buddha, as skin contact with a plastic would cause the Princess to decompose.

****Well, you have the occasion where Jerksicka corrected dunno-who’s English pronounciation. But again hers is worse than dunno-who’s. Then you have another plastic calling a senior an idiot, whereas she herself is an utter moron.

- An otherworldly commentary from Duck Medium’s Altar of Sacrifice

Bibliography and references

Turdfanny saying Super Junior is not one

Mr Tae calling a senior an idiot

Jerksica being mean

Spoilt Niece’s ‘beauty’

Seowho? Looks like a freakin’ man

Yoonargh wearing everything shorter than everyone else

Reported by: Duck Buddha

Friday, March 12, 2010

Aunt Agony – We take comfort in your pain, while drowning you in your own pain

That’s right. The Aunt Agony column is back by popular demand from our problem-plagued readers, who can take advices from half-baked professionals, which would only serve to worsen their plight and deepen their desire for suicide. To put our precious readers out of their misery, the Freakstimes has graciously* invited Aunt Agony to provide counselling and recommendations through her discouraging, vindictive, vilifying and demoralising column.

*The gracious invitation involves lots of name-calling, scratching, hair-pulling and blackmail. What you do not see, hear or know would not hurt you. The truth hurts, literally.

Reported by: Duck Buddha

Thursday, March 11, 2010

News Flash! - Indian Cuisine Unrest

Mutabak Kingdom (Freaktopia) – Of late, Mutabak Kingdom is swimming in an ocean of religious turmoil after a series of Nasi Lemak Bombs were simultaneously set off throughout the Kingdom at 2600 hours on Thursday night. The attack left 37,000 soaked to death in coconut milk and 74,000 permanently incapacitated by irreversible sogginess. Police investigations and reports from the Forensic Prataology department, revealed the notorious Le Nasi Padang Mafia to be responsible for the act of terrorism.

The Kingdom recently permitted the Church of Nasi Briyani to preach the religion, despite several nations from the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations having their suspicions and some have voiced their objections.

“The Church of Nasi Briyani certainly smells malodorous as I have never heard of the Gospel of Satay before,” squeaked the Royal Puree Kingdom’s tiny envoy.

“And I have, here, a report from the Inter-Fool that said the Le Nasi Padang is involved in several organised crime such as coconut trafficking, sale of Pandan explosives and illegal manufacturing of drugs such as Asam Pedas and Sambal Belacan,” said a representative from Chapatti-land.

According to the chemical analysis conducted by Professor Eugenium on the Asam Pedas, the results showed that the substance is capable of causing Mutabaks to spontaneously combust. Another report on the chemical spectrum analysis of the Sambal Belacan, conducted by the Immortal SSW, identified the drug to be a strong hallucinogen capable of inducing illusions of Sesame Street and sexually stimulating the victim by implanting pornographic visions of SNSD with Big Bird, Elmo and Cookie Monster. The Princess Mutabak was so mentally disturbed by the report that she had to retire to her royal chamber for a year.

After 2 hours of letting the Church of Nasi Briyani enter the Mutabak Kingdom, the preachers were instantly elevated to the status of Public Enemy, as they began using loudhailers to scream verses from the Gospel of Satay, which made no sense to the local Mutabakians. The noise pollution was beyond tolerable levels and it caused every piece of glass to shatter, and every eardrum to explode in a bloody mess.

The never-ending preaching has severely frayed the nerves of so many Mutabaks that about a quarter committed suicide, another quarter; homicide and one-eighth crowded outside Freak Tock Seng Hospital (FTSH), begging for euthanasia. The remaining sane (but not for long) citizens broke their bank accounts to purchase lethal personal security systems from Goldilocks*, in an attempt to keep those incessant acolytes of the Church of Nasi Briyani away.

But the social nuisance got out of hand when they started to usurp the Temple of Curry, the Goddess of spiciness, world wars and violent deaths, and made it into their Church of Nasi Briyani by grilling the temple priests in the backyard, alive. The act of religious blasphemy caused the citizens to turn to the High Summoner Urban Geek, who resides in Macarena Temple**, for help. Arriving in a state-sponsored Lamborghini, the High Summoner*** surveyed the Church acolytes and found them wanting. She then prayed to Goddess Curry to visit hell, suffering, pain, disaster, catastrophe, calamity and all other assorted misfortunes and punishments on the sinful religious group.

“Aiyah, I can’t be bothered to send that bunch of over-zealous Church of Nasi Briyani acolytes to the execution grounds as it involves too much paperwork and lengthly dialogues with the Sultan of Nasi Goreng,” sighed the Princess Mutabak who was busy signing stacks of official documents.

“I will just simply send the Bill for National Damage to Meelaysia, and he WILL pay the bill. Of course, the 7% GST will not be forgotten,” added the Princess as she proceeds the dump the rest of the unsigned documents into the fireplace and start her daily ritual of slamming SONES on the forum.

*Goldilocks is one of the few places (besides the Mutabak Palace, the University and FTSH) the Church did not preach at, as it still values its life. God knows what a cranky Goldilocks will do to it if business is disrupted, or customers committing suicide within their premises. Profits for Goldilocks shot sky-high, which the Mutabak Ministry of Finance decided to leverage on by slapping an equally sky-high income tax on Goldilocks. Smart, eh?

**Macarena Temple is the Mutabak Kingdom’s Imperial Dance Competition 10-time winner as its Macarena dance is extremely formidable with the usage of its ancient treasure; the Macarena Temple’s Maracas.

***The High Summoner is planning to summon several complaint letters to the Traffic Department as they slapped a hefty fine on her, and towed her personal Ferrari away, for speeding along the deserted Frying Pan Expressway, just because she is responding to the national cry for divine help.

-Reported by Malaria Maria

Imperial Decree from the Freaktopian Black House

The Freaktopian Black House and all the Heads of States from the Other-Realm and Galaxies as well as The Alternate Universe hereby decree that DUCK MEDIUM be promoted to DUCK BUDDHA. The Duck Medium has made numerous significant contributions to Freaktopia, relentlessly reporting on the Indian Cuisine War and Thosai Terrorism, resulting in exponentially more casualties than usual. In recognition of his meritorious services, the Un-united Nations would like to present the Nobel Chaos Prize to the Duck Buddha. The Un-united Nations Secretary General Kopi Naan said," The Duck Buddha is truly a great role model. We should all learn from his unwavering courage and kayponess in reporting all sorts of news from finance to K-pop to war. He deserves the Nobel Chaos Prize for his all-round reporting and extreme overachievement!"

Congratulations to Duck Buddha on his promotion! We look forward to his valuable continued and committed contribution to Freaktopia.

Reported by: Urban Geek

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Inter-Realm Heavenly Tribune

Purple Bamboo Grove (Heavenly Realm) - The Heavenly Realm was thrown into a cauldron of celestial mess in the aftermath of the SSW Immortal Pill factory’s explosion in the Other Realm, just a fortnight ago. With newly immortalized spirits floating up all the way to the Seventh Heaven, the Heavenly Realm is currently facing a problem of overcrowding, rising prices* and administrative nightmares (with application forms stacked so high that it would put Mount Pra and Mount Ro to shame) comprising of lawsuits, tantrums and complaints travelling at the speed of light.

Concerned about the falling standards of immortals, the Buddha Association of Buddhas (BAB) has convened to Thunder Monastery for an emergency meeting. At Thunder Monastery, where Buddhas have to shout across the 500 kilometre wide conference room over the never-ending 2000 decibels thunderstorms raging outside, the Enlightened Ones began to debate over the SSW Immortal Pill factory explosion. The Mangosteen Buddha, Patron Saint of Princess Mutabak, said the incident was most unfortunate and nothing could be done to prevent it as it was all according to Destiny’s Child, a set of ancient prophecies recorded on an audio CD that could be found in all CD-Lama stores.

He proceeded to cross-examine Immortal SSW, via video conference, who said that the pills could immortalize deceased spirits even if they inhale just a microscopic amount of its heavenly fumes. Several Immortalized spirits were sent to Freak Tock Seng Hospital for Expiration Therapy, but the treatment did not work, much to the frustrations of the Buddha Association. As a result, several more were shipped to the Immortal SSW’s laboratory in the Royal Urban University of Mutabak via Fed-Ex, where the scalpel–happy Immortal would conduct the most demented experiments to diagnose the problem and come up with a solution (which all the Buddhas were literally fervently praying for one to appear miraculously).

A professor at the department of Theoretical Spiritualism and Practical Immortalisation, Unknown University (United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations), said he suspects that the Buddha Association is brewing a very strange, fishy and sinful plot which is bound to contain the idea of stewing the spirits in the Eight Trigrams Furnace or charbroil them in Samurai-Murai Brand True Samadhi Fire Oven. The comment has caused the Temple of Mangosteen Buddha to place a hefty bounty on the professor’s head.

A Buddha Association spokesperson said the enlightened ones were being childish (although their combined age is enough to make Paris Hilton undergo menopause and Britney Spears become a shrivelled prune) as they are being jealous of those spirits becoming immortals after a few whiff of gaseous Immortal Essence, while the Buddhas have to undergo millenniums of meditation to attain Nirvana.

“Why can’t that bunch of old folks give it a rest and retire to their mouldy old caves and not stir up any more trouble? They shouldn’t be arguing so heatedly as, God knows, several may expire from heart attacks while the rest from stroke,” said the spokesperson.

When Freakstimes interviewed a fellow Freaktopian, the interviewee expressed his wish to become a Buddha via consumption of SSW Immortal Pills as he can skip all the vegetarianism and sutra chanting. It was this comment that caused the Heavenly realm to panic as it is already in deficit of prayers and profits from the sale of its sutras is about to hit rock bottom.

Meanwhile, it seems that the Heavenly Realm will have to put up with the celestial rubbish and nonsense thrown at it by the newly, accidentally immortalized Other Realm Spirits. But the Buddha Association is having none of its, as it said, “if spirits continue to be immortalised via the easy way, then we, the Buddha Association of Buddhas, will go on strike and will refuse to answer any prayers”.
The Mutabak Princess is currently unavailable for comments as she is personally painting a portrait for the Mangosteen Buddha as a tribute to negotiate for a celestial tax relief on the sale of SSW Immortal Pills, told Freakstimes by the Lord Chamber Pot of Mutabak.
*The affected products are incense, joss paper, paper offerings and Buddha-brand Lotus Seat MK-I

- reported by Rotters (an inter-dimensional news agency)

Friday, March 5, 2010

News Flash! K-pop Fever Epidemic!

South Diarrhoea (Freaktopia) – Of late, K-pop is on the rise in Freaktopia, causing a global epidemic of bobbing heads, speaking in unrecognisable tongues, broken necks and spines (failed attempts at Break Dance) and epileptic convulsions. The Princess Mutabak, although a powerful and much-feared monarch of the Mutabak Kingdom, is valiantly defending the honour of her favourite K-group, the Wonder Girls without resorting to have all fans of SNSD arrested and executed.

“SNSD, a group of nine female living organisms that have vague resemblances to the homo sapient species, cannot sing and dance to save their own lives,” said a cheongsam-clad Princess Mutabak who was dancing to the song “Nobody”, by the Wonder Girls. “Aiyoh! They dance as if they are stroke patients undergoing physiotherapy,” added the Duck Medium who was stuck in a toilet minus the paper.

It is common knowledge that SNSD was created by SME (Saddo-Masochism Entertainment) for 40 to 50 year old men to jerk off in front of the screen. So totally no taste. Yuck. Projectile vomit. Of course, SM himself does jerk off while watching the scantily-clad nine gyrating around and bouncing their artificially-enhanced butts and boobs. “It is such a pity that silicon is non-flammable. If not, we can see nine plastics running around alight,” commented the Urban Geek, Chancellor of the Royal Urban University of Mutabak.

Do you know why SNSD fans (mainly Dirty Old Men and sexually deprived males) dislike the Wonder Girls? The answer is simple: they have far too much fabric covering their bodies. Well, we can’t blame the SNSD for having their butt cheeks hanging out of their booty shorts as cheaporella SME is low on budget. Therefore a clothed Wonder Girl, courtesy of JYP who designs, provides and pay for the clothes, can scantly clothe at least four, make that five, SNSD members.

“Are you able to tell the difference between any randomly chosen SNSD members? No, you can’t. This is because all nine went to the same plastic surgeon with the same photo. And there, you have yourself nine identically bimbotic plastics who called themselves SNSD. They are better off being called STDS,” said the Duck Medium, who was violently sick after Teck Wei forced the holy medium to watch a video of SNSD’s concert performance. The Duck Medium was mentally unhinged and emotionally unstable after he got his eyes polluted by the tasteless video, and had to be admitted into Freak Tock Seng Hospital.

But that is not all about SNSD’s shortfall. Here comes the story about the fried chicken advertisement. This is one which had the Duck Medium’s mother laughing until her sides exploded in a bloody geyser and she had to be stitched up by untrained Forensic Prataologists students at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak. In fair comparison, moronic viewers are able to see that the Wonder Girls are indeed promoting the fried chicken which looks extremely tantalising and so tempting that the cheaporella mother of the Duck Medium expressed her desire to purchase it.

However, in the SNSD’s commercial, we are blinded by nine plastic convulsing and twitching spastically as though they have Down’s syndrome. “I don’t even see the chicken. It is like the chicken has only a merciful half-a-second coverage before the nine plastics flood the screen,” fumed the Princess Mutabak while she typed furiously on her keyboard in an attempt to battle against the brain-washed SNSD fans who were tainting the pristine reputation of the Wonder Girls. “Unlike the SNSD who are involved in scandals like there is no tomorrow, the Wonder Girls have a scandal record that is as white as liquid paper,” added the Princess Mutabak.

Strange enough, the Urban Geek, Princess Mutabak and Duck Medium possess zero percent chance of becoming a SNSD fan. And that will be the last thing on their mind, and if it even was on their mind in the first place. Of course, the Duck Medium remains a neutral party as it only listens to songs with a catchy beat and a speed that will guarantee insomnia. He would rather go blind and deaf than to watch another round of SNSD video. May SME be blessed with plenty of lawsuits from a highly disgruntled Super Junior (who were banished, or rather, exiled to China. Poor lambs).

- reported by the Duck Medium (undergoing Expiration Therapy, no thanks to Teck Wei)

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Freakstimes Financial Times

Sinkapoor (Freaktopia) – Somewhere in the vast Pathetic Ocean is the island nation of Sinkapoor, which is plagued with crime rates higher than that of the total height of Mount Pra and Mount Ro. With both civil and nuclear wars breaking out all over the place like a severe case of mumps coupled with chicken pox, cow pox, small pox and white pox, Sinkapoor indeed really has no chance of building up its economy.

This explains its chronic bankruptcy which has caused its government to continuously leech (must have been influenced by The Leech or TFM) on the assistant funds provided by the Freaktopian Inter-dimensional Bank.

In addition to its security problems and unsolvable problem of violence, Sinkapoor is made up of very low lands, which causes it to sink everyday by 100m into the ocean. Furthermore, with tropical tsunamis occurring every 5 minutes, floods are as frequent as diarrhoea patients running to the toilet. The island nation’s declaration of state of emergency due to catastrophic floods caused by light afternoon drizzles is one of the main contributors to the sky-rocketing and never-ending debts of Sinkapoor.

Ms Urban Geek, the newly appointed CEO of the Freaktopian Inter-dimensional Bank, has declared Sinkapoor as a financially hopeless case with no cure available whatsoever.

Till date, since its founding in 2010 BM, Sinkapoor had leeched approximately 998 zillion dollars, which Princess Mutabak (a major share holder of 50% shares) said are irrecoverable as she suffered similar loss (abeit smaller, but nevertheless nearly caused the Princess to go bankrupt) caused by the Leech.

The CEO, Chairperson and Board of Directors have called for a meeting with the Very United Nation, to discuss ways on how to put Sinkapoor out of its miserable existence. So far, from what Freakstimes has gathered, the solution consisted of whispered mentions of the Immortal SSW and involves several arcane researches to be conducted at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak’s Department of Messed Communications (Post Mortem Communications).

‘Hmmm. I think the Very United Nations may want to utilise the Fijians as it solves Fiji’s problems of starvation and shortage of food supply, yet simultaneously putting an end to Sinkapoor’s leeching ways and practices,” said Dr. Hannibal, a lecturer on International Conflict, Militaristic Deterrence and Civil Lethality Studies at Allopia Spy School.

“If investigation results show that Sinkapoor really has the spending habits of the Leech or TFM, I will never allow such twisted, sinful and abominable existence to continue to have a presence on Freaktopia! The Holy Imperial Kingdom of Mutabaks will never condone the leecherella ways of Sinkapoorians and its half-baked… no, cannot-bake-it, government!” shrieked and ranted a hyperventilating (due to over-enthusiasm about eliminating the poverty-stricken leeching island)

Princess Mutabak was at her Parliamentary address to the Kitchen Cabinet of Indian Cuisine Ministers from the countries of Naan, Puree, Roti Prata, Roti John and Putu Mayam. The Princess Mutabak has decreed that Sinkapoor is to repay its debts, even if it has to go into slavery and prostitution, or face the intolerably spicy wrath of the Kingdom and United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations.

- reported by Mr Chao Chee Bai (current whereabouts is unknown as he was sold as a sex slave by the Sinkapoorian government to some ulu country in Freaktopia. Freakstimes will be hiring a new reporter to replace him. Interested parties place contact the HR office at 1800-DON’T-HIREME)

Reported by: Duck Medium