Wednesday, October 21, 2009
In fact, every customer walks away turning diabetic and in need of CPR for their sugar shock. Auntie Poopie has collaborated with the Soup Expert Meng Po to come up with 3 special limited edition desserts to send more people off to the other realm (it’s actually a scheme by the government of the Other Realm to import more foreign talents to boost the population numbers).
Please take a look at the limited edition menu below and make your last order.
1) Sahara dessert
The most powerful of the lot, the Sahara dessert is made of desert sand flavored sugar to give you that dry, barren sensation and makes you feel as if you are standing on the Sahara desert itself. Topped with a few drops of rainwater harvested from the holy SSW Mountains in the Hombalaya region, you will experience a sense of nirvana as you swallow every mouthful of the sinful and exotic sandy sugar. You could request for extra Desert Storm flavoring to enhance the deserted feeling and experience the implosive sand plumes exploding all the way from your mouth to the anus, destroying everything in its path and leaving your internal organs in a mangled, bloody mess.
Price: $100 per bowl.
Offer!: 5% Discount from Freak Tock Seng Hospital to clear up your minced organs.
2) Just dessert
Inspired by Mdm Karma Lama’s preaching (“Worthless people blame their karma.”), Auntie Poopie has come up with an innovative new flavor – Just dessert. Piled with sins and wickedness in the form of sugars and chocolates and calories, the Just dessert will certainly appeal to all worthless people and help bring them some worth by sending them off to the Other Realm in advance where they can become cheap labor in the construction of Princess Murtabak’s new Murtabak Mansion on Beverly Mountains.
Price: $80 per bowl
3) Gobi dessert
This Asian-style dessert has its influences from ancient China and Mongolia. The Gobi dessert consists of Gobi desert sand-favored sugar and drenched in spoonfuls of Melanin-tainted milk and topped with generous servings of whipped, caned and tortured cream. An optional ingredient is marshmellow-flavored frost for the times when Gobi desert experiences its cold seasons. If you’re lucky, you may dig out some dinosaur fossils from your bowl of Gobi dessert but keep it low unless you want the Holy Immortal SSW to appear out of nowhere and steal your dessert.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
A necessary object needed by all poor households to safeguard whatever thy have in their empty house. The House Lock is made from a special alloy manufactured from an amalgamation of recycled drink cans and scraped metal. This special lock does not have a key as the house owner or family members can simply slot their fingernails into the keyhole and give it a turn.
Although this product may seem ordinary, it is actually incorporated with the most outdated, yet reliable fingernail security device. Once a fingernail is slotted into the lock, a scanner will scan it for dirt, immortal pill residue and lastly, DNA. The lock will automatically unlock itself if a recognized fingernail is inserted. However, if an alien fingernail is used instead, it will send out a mildly nasty shock of 2000 giga-volts to knock out the intruder for several days while some indecisive owners take their own sweet time to ponder on how to deal with the dirtbag and dispose of it.
Owners can also choose another security option where instead of shocking the intruder unconscious, the intruder‘s finger will be stuck inside the lock, and rendered unable to escape, while waiting for the owner‘s return to deliver judgment on it.
Owners can choose to buy the House Lock (toenail system) if they prefer to use their toenails instead or simply feel comfortable using it. No extra charge required.
Note: Families using this Obiang lock are advised not to leave their nails behind and should dispose of them by incineration. They are also advised to keep their fingers and toes to themselves.
Caution: Do not insert painted nails into the lock as you will end up electrocuting yourself. Proven by numerous safety trials conducted on stubborn vainpots and bimbotic people.
Cost: $3.55 (exclusive of 55% GST and 39% legal fees)
Freebie: Indecisive owners can call our hotline to ask for advice on how to deal with the immobile intruder found on their doorstep. 100% guaranteed hours of fun and laughter for the whole family.
By far, according to our sales records, the Room Lock is one of the most popular lock among the inhabitants of Freaktopia. Survey analysis reports that teenagers contribute 98.7% to the total sales. The Room Lock, guardian of many teenagers‘ sacred and secret chamber, is made of the best material and security mechanisms to safeguard both the privacy and sanity of our adolescents.
An alloy of Eugenium-498, anti-corrosive Leenium and diamond hard Serenium-999 is created to make the lock immune to all kinds of nonsense kaypo parents and insufferable siblings thrown at it. The Room Lock is totally immune to lock prickling needles, hammers, drills, TNT, nuclear bombs and other tools of lock destruction. Also, all kinds of corrosive substances ranging from Ammonium Hydroxide to saliva will not work on the lock, except for the SSW Immortal Solvent.
The Room Lock is the most ideal lock to lock one‘s room. Installed with the latest locking mechanism, a new technology developed by the Hexagon, it is also oblivious to digital hacking by computers and other electronic devices.
Furthermore, this mechanism does not only defend, it can also also attack intruders. The teenager can program and adjust the lock‘s viciousness level and choose from a wide variety of attacking options ranging from concentrated acid spray to nuclear detonation blasts. In addition, the lock uses a series of identification systems like rectum scan, saliva analysis and body dirt analysis to identify the authorized entrée.
The Room Lock comes together with TNT and bullet-proof door. The door is incorporated with peephole to allow owner to see who is outside the room, before deciding whether to chase the intruder away or simply kill it.
1) AXE 2000-Decapitation Maureen Saw (choose between decapitation or mincing)
2) 5000 horsepower door opening force (victim will be flung 800ft high up into the air and then splatter all over the floor when landed)
Note: height depend on the weight of the victim but we guarantee 100% efficiency of this system.
3) Nuclear detonation blask (room will be left intact but everything within 1000km radius is totally decimated)
4) True Samadhi Fire Flamethrower (a light dusting will remove the remaining ashes on your doorknob)
5) Bloody Mary Pneumatic Body Drill (Wwitness a human fountain)
As mentioned in the previous issue of Freaks Times, we all know that slaves are a precious commodity as well as an endangered species. They are now also the target of many burglars, thieves and smugglers as such items are not only highly mobile but also possess negligible common sense, sense of belonging and loyalty, and sense of direction.
Hence, slaves owners worry that their slaves will go missing after watching an episode of LOST on Channel 5 or worse still, be stolen by others. Worried about the financial and mental health of our fellow slave owners, Goldilocks Locksmith decided to make a slave lock to solve this crisis.
The slave lock is made of a special material and then shaped into a collar, which is to be clasped around the neck of the slave. The slave lock is installed with several new security systems and tracking devices to ensure that the slave will be able to return after getting lost, as well as prevent it from becoming a target of robbery or whatsoever.
The Star Trek tracking cum trailing system will be able to trace the location of the slave regardless of where it is on Freaktopia , or even in the Other Realm. The system will compute the data and formulate a solution on how to retrieve the missing living organism. It is also responsible of telling the owner the fastest and safest route to travel to reclaim the slave, or the owner can simply activate the auto return program where the slave will simply zoom back into the hands of the slave owner as tiny rocket boosters will appear on the collar and blast away, causing the slave to travel at an astonishing speed of 5000km/s.
An auto defend option is available should the slave face kidnap, the computer will automatically activate the option and download all kinds of martial art techniques as well as weapon handling techniques into the brain of the slave via gamma brain radiation. The collar will also inject a special serum into the slave‘s body which will endow the living thing with superhuman strength and abilities to defend against Slave-nappers and thieves. However, should the slave be overwhelmed by large number of enemies, the slave lock will self-destruct, killing everyone in the vicinity of 500m radius, except the owner and the slave.
1) Meteorite Crash (100% death and destruction guaranteed, nothing's left over after activating this option)
2) Alien Invasion (body parts everywhere but still effective despite the mess. However, Aliens may choose to stay and won't leave)
3) Suicide Terrorist (cause severe injuries, but victim will still be alive for you to torture, kill, or sell)
4) Lightning Storm (more job for road cleanersl PSI index confirm shoot over 300 due to ashes mistaken for haze)
Reported by Duck Medium
Cause of death: chronological expiry
Father - To Day
Mother - Yester Day
Sister - Next Day
Brother - Every Day
Cousin - To Morrow
Another Day has passed away peace fully, leaving behind loved ones...
Deceased: Tea Spoon
Cause of death: boiled alive when he landed himself in hot soup, leaving behind Table Spoon (wife), Soup Spoon (son), Dessert Spoon (daughter), Plastic Spoon (father), Metal Spoon (mother), Wooden Spatula (god-daughter), and Ice Cream Tub (Mistress).
Reported by: Duck Medium
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Goldilocks Corporation has been causing Dr. Lala Cloth, chief executive officer of Tomb Raider Services Company a lot of headache with its advent of several high-tech and advanced tomb security systems and devices.
These merciless security measures cum weapons of lethal extermination has resulted in high casualties and revenue loss for the Tomb Raider Services Company, in terms of a sharp increase in insurance and medical claims by employees and lawsuits by dissatisfied clients, and to top it all off, the company saw a dramatic drop in business with the advancement of Goldilocks‘ security devices. This is reportedly due to fear by potential customers of getting cursed by the unholy XXX incantation personally chanted by the reverent Duck Medium.
Cloth‘s unfortunate fate begets Xiao Long Nu‘s triumph. Xiao Long Nu, director of Tomb Keeper Services Company out-sourced its Security Department to Goldilocks last year and has since saw her company‘s business booming with hordes of satis-fied customers praising the company for its efficiency and capability.
Cloth has announced plans to invest a hefty ten million dollars into R&D to develop more advanced tomb raiding devices and techniques to counter Goldilock‘s security devices.
Reported by Urban Geek
Goldilocks Security Systems will deter all kinds of evil designs cooked up by crooks as we not only get rid of them but also teach them a lesson so that the criminals will never be able to see sunrise or sunset ever again. With Goldilocks Security Systems, your assets (bodily, physical and financial) are in good hands as little effort is expended, minimal clearing up is required and absolutely no police is involved as all problems will be solved by our technology, but your wise decision is the most important factor in eliminating these dirtbags.
Tomb Security System
When you are dead and placed in a nice comfy tomb, you absolutely hate to have tomb robbers paying you a visit. With TSS, you will be able to rest in peace without any unwanted guests coming. The TSS is founded by our brilliant Egyptian Scientists who uses ancient physics and mathematical equations and theorems to build their traps. In addition, a highly creative yet sadistic brain is needed to ensure 100% effectiveness and entertainment.
Once the robber enters the tomb, the door (a granite slab weighing 123 ton with sharp stainless steel spikes concealed inside) will come crashing down at the speed of 456 km/s to seal the entrance aka the exit. Should the scumbag try to blast it with dyna-mite, the steel spikes will fly out the moment the granite block is destroyed, and impale the robber to the ground where he slowly bleeds to death.
For the spirit‘s entertainment, huge spiked boulders will roll over the remaining uninvited guests, leaving a trail of blood, gore and destruction in its wake. Acid pits, stake pits, bottomless pits, snake pits and Brad Pitts can too be found all over the tomb, at various locations, which all produce highly amusing results. And this is only the basic package.
Regardless of which package you purchase, the customer is guaranteed a 100% peaceful afterlife while intruders are also re-warded with a pieceful death.
All packages will ensure hours of fun for u and for the family. CCTVs and recording systems are also incorporated into the TSS, where the spirit or family members can replay the events and have a good laugh.
Note: Due to security measures and policy, Goldilocks will not be able to give the family a blueprint of the tomb layout. However a guided tour will be given to ensure safety. In the case of leaky memory, please do not enter tomb alone. All forgetful personnel are to be accompanied as accidental deaths will not be compensated or be held liable by the company.
Buy now and enjoy 10 years free of Tomb Cleaning Service!
Cost: $5253.04 upgrade to Advanced Package at $5253.05
Members will receive 0% discount and 1 free cardboard coffin worth $0.54
Note – again: be assured that the tomb is laid down with protective spells and curses to ensure the spirit‘s spiritual well-being. These protective measures make sure that others‘ will not be able to summon the Spirit away to some macham ulu place like Timbuktu or Ulu Pandan.
Should a medium be stupid enough to try, he or she either will immediately undergo spontaneous combustion or disappear permanently. The protective words are personally chanted by Duck Medium, who receives a handsome commission for each job.
Each kit costs $777 and we heard that they are selling like hot cupcakes!
Available at all retail stores from supermarkets to mama shops, get it quick before it gets sold out because Kanenabo produced only 50 kits!
Pucker Up Lipstick : Get the bee-stung lips look, literally! Contains active ingredient Killer Bee Acid.
Snow White Foundation : Celebrate a very white X‘mas this December! Put this on to get that gorgeous geisha white mien.
Gothic Black Eye-liner : Black enhances your eyes best, especially in contrast with a flour white face. Line your eyes with this superb eyeliner that won‘t smudge or wash off no matter what detergent or heavy-duty washing liquid you use.
No Shadow Eye-shadow : Add a mysterious shimmer to your eye-lids with this magical eyeshadow that doesn‘t leave a shadow, whatever that means!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Allopia Spy School Gadgets Inc has done it again! This time, it has invented the powerful, deadly, environmentally-friendly and awesomely awe-inspiring Automatic Poollet Gun! This awesome weapon uses rabbit poo as bullets and shoots the small stinky balls of poo at enemies with great accuracy and amazing power!
The poo is not ordinary poo either. It comes from the First Rabbit of Freaktopia, a beloved pet of the Princess of Murtabak. Endearingly called “Snowbell” by the Murtabak Royal Family, the rabbit is fed on the finest food fit for a member of the royal family. The poo is generated at a rate of 1000 balls per hour as a result of the enormous amount of food it consumes each day.
The poo is categorized into 4 kinds, depending on the type of food the rabbit eats at different times of the day.
1) Standard Poollet
This type of poo is produced in the morning after the rabbit’s breakfast of grains and rabbit pellets.
Each poollet behaves like an ordinary bullet, penetrating the enemy’s body with superb precision and speed. Just 4 or 5 poollets are sufficient to bring down a foe, but it does not work well against big bosses.
Advantage: cheaper than the rest
Disadvantage: less powerful
Price: $100 for a pack of 10 poollets
2) Super Stinky Poollet Bomb
This type of poo is produced in the afternoon after the rabbit’s lunch of banana skin, durian, and pineapple. The poo is then chemically enhanced by adding 3 powerful essences of stinkiness produced by the King Skunk, Corpse BacteriaTM and Smelly Toufu of Great China.
The poollet emits a powerful, unbearable, and vomit-inducing stench that would make camel’s shit cry with shame. This poollet is excellent against medium difficulty foes, and especially those bosses who have low tolerance for bad smell. You could simply use a primitive catapult to shoot the bullet to bring your weaker foes to their knees to beg for mercy.
Once it penetrates the enemy’s body, the poollet explodes within and engulfs the enemy in a cloud of stinky smoke that would make him/her collapse within one quarter of a second.
Users are advised to purchase a titanium face-mask to protect themselves from the poisonous smell. Antidote for the poison is unavailable as yet, unfortunately.
Advantage: Powerful, poisonous smell
Disadvantage: The smell is dangerous to every single living organism with 5m radius, even to the shooter.
Price: $500 for a pack of 10 poollets
3) Bubble Tea Poollet
Resembling the black pearls used in Taiwan’s famous bubble tea, this poollet is produced in the late afternoon, after the rabbit’s tea time of Vanilla Flavoured Bubble Milk Tea with Black Pearls.
Each poollet is expanded to the size of an actual black pearl and the pain generated by each poollet is 20 times that of a regular poollet.
Advantage: more pain
Disadvantage: slow loading time
Price: $500 for a pack of 5 poollets
4) Lao Sai Poollet
This is the most powerful and deadliest poollet of the lot. Produced at 10pm sharp every night by the Royal Rabbit after a luxurious meal of Buddha Crash into the Wall, Bird’s Nest and SSW’s Forever Strong Supplements, only 1 pill is generated each night, hence the insanely exorbitant price—but worth it of you wish to annihilate your most hated enemy. Just one shot and your enemy will drop, regardless of how bad your shooting skill is, due to the intelligent target-searching property of the poollet (each poollet has an IQ equivalent to a Physics Professor) The missile-poollet will search for the desired target even if he/she were to run to the edge of the earth, guaranteeing death for your target.
Advantage: Your enemy sure die
Disadvantage: Extremely expensive
Price: $999,999 for 1 poollet
ASS Gadgets Inc is allocated at 99 Heavenly Road, Weapons Mall
Reported by: Urban Geek
Note: Poollet and gun are sold separately.
Freaktopians are advised to carry a fire extinguisher with them 24/7, in case they spontaneously combust. Avoid swimming unless you want to be boiled to death like seafood in a steamboat. Direct exposure to sunlight will cause instantaneous incineration, hence please avoid going outdoors. According to the Biohazard Scientist, sun block will only cause a person to slowly sublime instead of combusting or incinerating.
Heat stroke patients are to soak themselves in liquid nitrogen to cool themselves down. If the condition persists, please consult your family undertaker. Lighter condition of heatstroke will only result in the patient shriveling up like a preserved prune. No big deal.
Lately, a high-security criminal had broken out of the Freaktopian Murtabak Prison and is suspected to be existing somewhere in Freaktopia. The criminal is a white bunny with ultra long floppy ears and has conjunctivitis (red eyes). The felon also has an insatiable appetite for plant juice and is extremely ill-tempered.
The Bunnicula’s favorite haunts are places where there is an abundant supply of fruits and vegetables like farms, plantations and tropical rainforests. It may also try to sneak into Buddhist temples in a desperate attempt to sponge off free vegetarian meals.
In 2BC, the Bunnicula alone sucked every single shred of vegetation on Freaktopia to death, causing the Freaktopian economy to rocket head first into irrecoverable devastation, resulting in global bankruptcy and everlasting poverty. Due to the extinction of plant kind; vegetarians, monks and herbivores were all dropping dead left and right. The death toll for this vegetative catastrophe resulted in the total population of Freaktopia to plummet by 30.72145987645%.
The public is advised against capturing the Bunnicula on their own as the criminal is highly dangerous and may cause fatal vegetative damage if provoked. It is also armed with a pair of sub-automatic carrot sticks.
The Bunnicula can be easily differentiated from normal and abnormal bunnies, as it stands and walks on two legs. In addition, it possesses a pair of bunny vampire fangs that enables it to suck any plant dry like dust.
Although Bunnicula is a vampire rabbit, it is however, immune to holy water, sunlight, crucifixes, Bibles and stakes. Garlic will only drive it berserk, causing the Bunnicula to start attacking plants very viciously until no greens are left in the immediate vicinity.
The government advises every citizen to safeguard their plants and vegetables with constant vigilance and report any loss of vegetative stock or mysterious piles of dust that resemble the shapes of vegetables.
S.P.C.A HOTLINE :
Vegetable Wholesaler :
Note: please do not call the police as we deal only in humanoid criminals and the SPCA will handle the rest. Anyone caught harboring the Bunnicula will be thrown into detention class for 5
periods, given 5 strokes of the ruler and placed on a seafood diet for 10 years until the accomplice dies from hepatitis.
1 YEAR SUPPLY OF EXPIRED MOULDY DOG FOOD + SIGNED AUTOGRAPH OF
Apparently, the many years of sleep had not improve its temper and caused the badly concussed Bunnicula to wake up with a splitting headache and a bruise the size of Kansas.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
MENG POH’S SOUP SHOP
To open many shops and branches in both the Mortal and the Other Realm by scheming, plotting and using underhand means. We strive to make Meng Poh’s soup a must in every living thing’s daily diet and a must-have soup before both death and reincarnation.
To come up with more new dishes solely just to increase revenue, to earn more revenue and put even more competitors out of business. We strive to do so through human experimentation, trial and error and, dissection and restitching.
Ignorance is Buddha, forgetting can only be Meng Poh’s Soup.
Monday-Friday: 1200-2500 (Other Realm)
0800-0801 (Mortal Realm)
Saturday: 0900-0800 (Other Realm)
2600-2900 (Mortal Realm)
Sunday/Public Holidays: 1200-1900 (The Other Other Realm)
(Mortal Realm and Other Realm Closed)
ORIGINAL MENG POH SOUP
The Original Meng Poh Soup uses both traditional ingredients and cooking methods to induce a sense of outdatedness in our customers before they depart. Placing a cauldron full of purified smelly drainwater and soapy dishwater to boil for five hours until grey pungent fumes are observed which turn red litmus paper blue. During which, fresh cabbage is stir-fried with maggots, giant moths and ultra hot chili. Rotting chicken entrails, putrid pigeon skeleton and dried leaves with woodlouses are thrown into the half-prepared soup and allowed to simmer for one day in the Tefal non-spill Eight Trigrams Soup Steamer, until all the essential essences from the rare ingredients have fully dissolved into the soup.
To complete the dish, a large spadeful of Housefly Brand Diabetic Sugar is dumped into the bubbling, frothing, foaming mess inside the cauldron. The soup is then served in a traditional cracked bowl to signify generations of poverty, infertility and ill fortune.
Note: Not suitable for children below 21. Parental guidance needed. Excessive consumption may cause unstoppable nosebleed and constipation.
Rating: Hospital Food
Small-$3.45 Medium-$3.90 Large-$5.30
U.Psize-$3(addition of an extra drop of soup)
MENG POH VEGETABLE SOUP WITH HERBS
From a wide range of vegetables from Meng Po’s own barren backyard, rotting beetroot, caterpillar-ravaged cauliflower and putrid broccoli are carefully chosen and then skillfully hacked into uneven pieces using the latest Maureen Saw culinary saw.
The ingredients are minced into an unrecognizable mess and allowed to collect dust. A special soup base consisting of Dettol, Dynamo, Vanish Power O2 detergent and diesel is specially prepared by Meng Po herself, because the making process is too life risking and will result in extremely high mortality rate and loss of limbs may occur if ever tried without undergoing training at the Meng Po Academy. After a decade or two, a simmering pot of sizzling venomous green liquid awaits the dusty ingredients to be unceremoniously dumped into it.
Simultaneously, a Teletubby school bag full of medicinal hers like moonshade, ducksbane, nunshood and Ahseng is also thrown into the mixture to solely increase the cost price of the dish( just to earn more profit).
At last, a cupful of SSW Immortal seasoning and deep fried algae are added to improve the popularity of this otherworldly soup. Customers can also order a side dish of vegetables in oily sauce.
Note: Excessive consumption of vegetables will cause stroke, heart attack and colon cancer. Soup may result in unstoppable diahorrea, low fertility, loss of bowel control and Teck Wei’s syndrome.
Rating: TNT (Totally No Taste)
Large-$2.50 Very Large-$2.60 Even Larger-$2.70 Super Large-$2.80 Extremely Large-$2.90 Olympic-$3.00 (exclusive of 90% GST)
VEGETABLES IN OILY SAUCE
Vegetables are secretly kidnapped from their beds in the Exclusive Care Unit from Freak Tock Seng Hospital. They are carefully marinated using a special secret recipe consisting of water flea seasoning, artificial human flavoring, unpermitted food coloring, and 99% monosodium glutamate.
After being fed and soaked in the marinade, the vegetables are barbequed over a slow fire, while expired ICI Deluxe butter is spread on it. A sauce which comprises of petrol, diesel, medicated oil, lard, cooking oil and machine lubricant is used to bring out the exotic smell and taste of this dish. A beaker full of heroine and Ice are also used as permitted food addictives. The sauce is then poured over the dish to complete it, giving it an oily look.
Note: Not suitable for vegetarians.
Varies with nationality, age, gender, height, weight and other factors. Prices may rise due to other unforeseen circumstances.
Chinese rural villagers-$5.30
EXOTIC FIJI BROTH
To cater to the queer taste buds of our huge cannibalistic Fijian population, Meng Po decided to dedicate more of her youth to research and experiment new recipes, cooking methods and ingredients and eventually created this unique dish before her demise. Selecting the freshest and most youthful main ingredient form Shop N Slave, Meng Po will fatten up the slaves by feeding them lots of fatty and oily food catered from her rival, Critters Cuisine. Of course, she did not miss out the chance to stuff the slaves full of her vegetables in oily sauce. After a month of hard dieting (initially forced, but eventually voluntary), the slaves are ready to be cooked.
A large pot of polluted seawater is put to boil with contaminated seaweed and moldy miso paste as seasoning. The slaves are rubbed with a rare oil made of moisturizer cream, powdered dung beetles, stewed termites and a drop of Mr. Brasso shoe polish. The flavored meats are then thrown into the bubbling pot and cooked alive until they are dead, soft and nice.
With a secret recipe handled down to her by the Woodbridge Cook, Meng Po made an exquisite paste of fish scales, dandruff, armpit hair, overcooked eggplant and Shaga Shaga’s extremely spicy curry lama to give the soup a touch of Fijiness, so that our customers will think of their homeland. With everything rojak together, the Exotic Fiji Broth is finally born and served in a traditional Fijian coconut bowl, decorated with orchids and hibiscus.
Note: customers are encouraged to bring along their slaves (to be disposed of). Family members, friends or enemies are also accepted. Customers can also request their own preferred soup flavor.
Cost varies according to the availability of the required/wanted slave. Each customer is entitled to consume only 1 slave at a each serving to prevent inflation of slave prices.
Note from the SPCA: Please note that slaves are a precious commodity and are endangered. Please save our slaves from extinction!
Reported by: Duck Medium
Meng Mei is the granddaughter of Meng Po, the CEO of Meng Po Soup Corporation. Meng Mei learnt her excellent culinary skills from her grandmother Meng Po, who is a seasoned and veteran chef, so her congee definitely promises not to disappoint! She specializes in cooking congee and she has come up with 3 unique flavours of congee, namely the Meng Mei Toxic congee, Meng Mei Samadhi-Fire Congee and Meng Mei Moon Essence Congee which contain highly beneficial herbs and rare essences of nature. For an out-of-this-world taste sensation, come down to the Meng Mei Congee Shop and try our delicious congee!
梦妹三昧真火粥 Meng Mei Samadhi-Fire Congee
Ingredients: cost: $50 per bowl
Infra-1000°C Tabasco Sauce
Thousand-Level Pagoda Tom Yam Paste
For a fiery-hot-and-spicy sensation, try our Meng Mei Samadhi-Fire Congee! Promises to make you breathe out fire for 1 whole week after eating it!
WARNING: You may need tongue transplant after eating the congee. But fear not, Meng Mei has good connections with the Freak Tock Seng Hospital so if you suffer from any tongue defects after that just let Meng Mei know and she’ll you refer to Dr Chum at FTSH who’ll then give you a tongue-transplant operation at a high discount of 2%!
梦妹月光香精粥 Meng Mei Moon Essence Congee
Ingredients: cost: $60 per bowl
Peacock feather mites
Blood squeezed from rose thorns
Snow White’s snot
Sleeping Beauty’s snores
Rapunzel’s hair lice
To attain everlasting youth and beauty, try the Meng Mei Moon Essence Congee! Guaranteed to make you look beautiful and radiant!
Disclaimer: any side effects arising will have abso-lolutely nothing to do with Meng Mei Congee Company
梦妹超毒粥 Meng Mei Toxic Congee
This is the most popular congee of all. Just read the personal account on the right! Cost: $38 per bowl
Radioactive shredded chicken
Essence of Eugene™
Lionhead Fish oil
Hair of Whiskie
“I had a bowl of the Meng Mei Toxic Congee last week and instant results were seen! The after-effects were: severe vomiting, gastric pains, throat problems, dizziness, diarrhea, bloated head, radioactive contamination, corrugated ankles, transparency and blue hair. Wah damn shiok!
Gimme an-other bowl of Toxic Congee!” - Miss Mimi Mee
Retail price: $99.99
“Meng Po: The secret to Suicide” (autobiography of Meng Po)”book is out now!
Written personally by meng po about her life and how she learnt her legendary culinary skills and become the ambassador of Hades and monopolized the industry of memory-eraser soup.
Contact your nearest bookstore now to order a copy! Hurry! While stocks last!
Bee Moon is said to be a descendent of the family of Chang Er and Duan Er. Every mooncake festival, she orders 1000 mooncakes to distribute to the students of Allopia Spy School in commemoration of Duan Er who got banished to the moon palace for her evil deeds and to Chang Er for her unsurpassed beauty and talents.
Last month, Bee Moon decided to set up her own bakery selling Bee Mooncakes, with exotic and unique fillings and they can be bought all year round because she specializes in crescent mooncakes and new mooncakes and eclipse mooncakes etc as well.
Mooncake Festival 2009 SPECIAL!
three-quarter moon mooncake
full moon mooncake
no moon mooncake
crescent moon mooncake
All mooncakes are infused with essence of Ong Bee Moon to grant you weightlessness and a moonly glow of the skin!
Promotion: buy 1 at $999.99 and get 5 free mooncakes.
1% discount for Starcup, Botorola and Bokia users.
For die-hard FF fans, we have the special Limited Moon Mooncake and Howling Mooncake. If you love Twilight, then we have the New Moon Mooncake.
Ex-BHSS students will receive a complimentary original Ong Bee Moon Mooncake recipe with every purchase!
In BC 999, there lived a beautiful young lady named Chang Er. She was delicate and demure, and highly talented in poetry, painting, dancing and singing. One day, she was playing the qin in a small pavilion on Mount Ro (Ro Shan). A young hero named Hou Yi was shooting ducks at a lake nearby. Attracted by the beautiful music from the qin, he went in search of the source of the music. He came to the small pavilion and saw the pretty Chang Er and he instantly fell in love with her. They began dating each other secretly over the next few weeks because Hou Yi said his parents forbade him to date before he passed his imperial examinations.
Chang Er had an elder sister named Duan Er who was the complete opposite of Chang Er. True to her name, she was short and her physical looks left much to be desired. She was lazy, bad-tempered and spoilt. But her parents loved her more than they love Chang Er because they believed that she was their lucky charm - Since her birth, their family began prospering and became immensely wealthy.
Duan Er was way past her marriageable age but she could find no suiters, or rather, no suiters wanted her. She became deeply resentful of her sister Chang Er who was the object of envy of every women, and the desire of every man in their town. She always tried to make life difficult for Chang Er and so Chang Er tried her best to stay out of her way.
A few weeks after Chang Er met Hou Yi, Duan Er began noticing something strange about Chang Er. She seemed to have become more cheerful and often went into a seemingly blissful trance throughout the day. She would sing and dance in the garden and write letters secretly. Duan Er, being the mean and contemptible person that she was, decided to tail her on one of her trips to Mount Ro.
Chang Er had brought along her qin as usual and she sat down at the wooden table in the pavilion and began playing the qin. Duan Er hid behind a tree that was wide enough to block her girth and she waited for a long time. As time wore on, she became more and more sleepy due to the lulling effect of the music and the therapeutic warmth of the afternoon sun. After what seemed like hours, she decided to give up and return home for teatime. But before she could turn, she heard the music stop.
Duan Er quickly turned around to look and to her astonishment she saw the most handsome man she had ever seen. She gazed at him longingly, mesmerized by his charm. "He is only a poor hunter. What a pity. But I shall have him as my toyboy!" Duan Er thought gleefully to herself. Suddenly, she noticed that Chang Er was there as well and that she was leaning her head against the man's shoulder. Duan Er immediately felt intense hatred towards Chang Er.
"You will not have him!" Duan Er thought furiously. She then stormed home, fuming all the way.
And so, she began her devious scheme of sabotaging Chang Er and Hou Yi's relationship. One night, she decided to confront Chang Er.
"So, my dear sister, don't think I don't know you're having a clandestine affair. A tryst every now and then, am I right...or am I right? What shame you've brought to our family. I shall expose your shameful deeds to Ma and Pa and see what they'll do to you!" Duan Er said to Chang Er spitefully. Chang Er stared at her sister in shock. She had not expected her affairs to be discovered by someone. She looked at her sister imploringly,"Oh dear sister, please do not tell Ma and Pa! I know I am wrong! I promise to stop seeing him!" Chang Er broke down in tears. The thought that she could not see Hou Yi ever again pained her immensely.
Duan Er sneered at her and left the room. Chang Er wept throughout the night.
The next day when she woke up she found her whole family sitting in the grand hall looking very grim. Sensing that something was amiss, she asked softly,"Erm...what's going on?"
Her father then walked towards her and gave her a hard resounding slap across her cheeks. The force of the slap and the terrible pain caused her to collapse onto the floor. She began to sob uncontrollably. No one lifted a finger to help her up. Her maid whom she was very close with looked on in terror, not daring to speak up for her even though she wanted to.
"Duan Er told us about the shameful things you have done! How dare you! You are so shameless! You have brought shame to our family! Duan Er told us that you are no longer chaste! How long have you been seeing this lowly man in secret?!!" Her father bellowed irately, his veins throbbing.
"No! I am chaste! We have not done anything immoral! Please believe me Pa!" Chang Er pleaded tearfully. Duan Er who was standing beside their mother smirked.
Of course, her father did not believe her and after beating her up he had her locked up in her room.
A few days later, Hou Yi heard about what happened and quickly rushed over to Chang Er's home to explain to their parents. He received a very cold reception from the family. Moreover, he was dressed like a hunter and he received looks of disgust and disdain from the family. He was not allowed to see Chang Er even though he begged with her parents for a long time. He decided to go home and confess to his parents what had happened. His parents were very angry but agreed to help him mediate since he said that the girl came from a family of high class-status.
The next day, Hou Yi and his parents went to Chang Er's family, bringing along many expensive bethrothal gifts. This time, Hou Yi dressed up in his costly outfit befitting his actual status of a noble family's son. Hunting was actually just his hobby. Chang Er's parents' attitude towards him reversed completely. Realizing that Hou Yi actu-ally came from a highly prestigious and affluent family, they immediately agreed to their marriage.
Duan Er fumed at this turn of events. She stormed out of the house cursing and sprouting vulgarities. She stormed up Mount Ro and thrashed angrily at the trees. All of a sudden, an avalanche of apples dropped from a tree and hit her on her head. She fell onto the ground unconscious.
The next moment when she regained consciousness, she found herself lying on the ground atop a very high mountain. There was no trees, no grass, no flowers, just rocks and gravel on the mountaintop. Surrounding the mountain were several other mountains, but lower than the one she was on. The scenery was breathtaking. She could see a sea of cloud a few feet below her. It was heavenly.
"Holy shit. Am I dead?" Duan Er thought. Then, she noticed that she was not alone. An ancient old man was sitting at the peak of the mountain in a lotus position. He seemed to be meditating. A few moments later he suddenly opened his eyes and looked at Duan Er with an expressionless look on his face.
"Who are you?" Duan Er asked him cautiously.
"I am SSW the immortal of Mount Pra.."
"Mount Pra? Never heard of it. I only know of Mount Ro. Are they brothers?" Duan Er giggled nervously at her lame joke. Somehow this old man appeared formidable and intimidating and had an unsettling effect on her.
"Ever since the dinosaurs ceased to exist
Life for me has been a misery
My T-Rex brothers who taught me to roar
My pterodactyl who taught me to soar
Couldn't survive the asteroid attacks except me."
Immortal SSW recited poetically yet mournfully.
"You have dinosaur friends?" Duan Er asked incredulously.
"YES! But they have all gone! The asteroids killed them! I am all alone in this world now." Immortal SSW mourned agitatedly.
"Erm...well ok. So what am I doing here?" Duan Er asked.
"You are here because you chanced upon my inter-universe portal. Were you hit by apples before you arrived here?" Immortal SSW asked.
"Yes! How did you know? Er...what? Inter-universe portal?" Duan Er asked getting more befuddled by the seconds.
" Many many years ago, when the dinosaurs were still alive, I used to play hide-and-seek with my dinosaur friends. I realized that I have extraordinary powers and I could create a magic portal to hide myself. Later I realized that the portal is actually a door to a parallel universe. On the day of the asteroid attack, I was under the apple tree and I was using my powers to create a portal with the tree. One minute after I succeeded, the asteroid attacks came and the earth shook violently. There were huge balls of fire everywhere. Apples from the tree came down like avalanche and knocked me unconscious and transported me to this mountain which I named Mount Pra. Luckily, the tree was left undestroyed because of the magic I had cast on it. A few months later, I finally found a way to get myself back to the universe I came from and found only ruins upon ruins. All life had ceased to exist. Everywhere I saw death and grey ash. The sky was red and it was unbearably hot. I grieved for the death of all my friends. I gathered all the powers I had to breathe life into earth once more. After that I decided to leave the earth and permanently reside on Mount Pra because I can't bear to undergo another widespread destruction and more deaths." Immortal SSW sighed as tears rolled down his wrinkled cheeks.
" Er..that's sad...so can you get me back home?" Duan Er asked impatiently.
"Fate has brought you to this place. Thank you for listening to my story. I shall grant you a wish. Is there anything you want?" Immortal SSW asked her.
Duan Er's face lit up immediately. "I can ask for anything?" She asked with a greedy look on her face.
"Yes." Immortal SSW replied tersely.
There was nothing that Duan Er wanted more than having Chang Er disappearing from the face of this earth. She told him just that.
Without a word, Immortal SSW rubbed his body all over and a small black pill materialized in his hands. He put the pill in Duan e's hand, who grimaced a little as she took it from his hand and quickly stuffed it in her sleeves. He then said," This pill will make a person fly to the moon and never be able to return."
He then chanted something and pulled an apple out of thin air and said,"Bite this apple and you'll be transported back to your universe. But before you go, I must remind you that your wish carries ill-intent. Your wish will come true but you will have to..." before Immortal SSW could finish his words, Duan Er had grabbed the apple from his hand and bit into it and she instantly vanished.
"...face the karma.."Immortal SSW said to thin air as Duan Er had disappeared. He sighed and went back to his meditation.
The next instant, Duan Er found herself beside the apple tree once more. She gleefully returned home to find Hou Yi's family and her parents chatting happily in the dining room. She smiled her sweetest smile at Hou Yi and thought secretly," Soon, you'll be mine!"
The wedding date was set to after Hou Yi's imperial exams. Meanwhile, they were allowed to see each other openly. One month later, Hou YI had to leave the town to take his exams in the capital. Chang Er bade farewell to Hou Yi tearfully but they were heartened by their impending wedding once he returns.
But alas, it was not going to be smooth-sailing as you will see.
One fateful night, two days before the day that Hou Yi was set to return home, Chang Er was playing the qin in the pavilion at night under the big and almost-round moon. Duan Er put the immortal pill inside a bottle and went to the pavilion to look for Chang Er.
"Chang Er, I am sorry for what I have done to you in the past. I hope you'll forgive me." Duan Er said as she put on her most innocent and repenting look.
"My dear sister, of course I'll forgive you. I'll be leaving this home after I marry Hou Yi and I'll miss you dearly." Chang Er said, glad that her enmity with her sister could be buried, or so she thought.
"I have a gift for you. It's a pill which I've spent weeks searching for and I even got all my friends from all over China to help look for it. It's a miracle beauty pill, produced by a very famous physician-cum-beautician. I would like you to have it, so that you will be the most beautiful bride in the world on your wedding day!" Duan Er said and offered the bottle to Chang Er.
"Oh this is the most wonderful present ever! Thank you Duan Er! You really are the best sister!" Chang Er chirped cheerfully.
"You must take it now so that you'll look your best on your wedding day!" Duan Er continued evilly.
Chang Er popped the pill into her mouth without hesitation and took a sip of tea. The next few moments, nothing seemed to happen. Chang Er continued chatting light-heartedly. But all of a sudden, Chang Er put her hands to her chest and started breathing heavily.
" What's going on? I feel strange. I feel...very light." As she uttered the last word her feet began to lift from the floor. Duan Er smirked at Chang Er.
"You'll be the most beautiful bride on the moon. Trust me. Ha ha ha!" Duan Er laughed wickedly.
Chang Er screamed in fear," NO NO! What's happening!!! Help me! Somebody help me!" She quickly grabbed the pillar to stop herself from floating away but she could not overcome the pulling force of the moon.
Duan Er watched as Chang Er floated further and further away towards the moon until she could no longer be seen.
Suddenly an idea hit her. She could ask the Immortal SSW to change her looks to Chang Er's so she could replace her sister and marry Hou Yi! She rushed over to the apple tree and shook the tree as hard as she could. Some apples dropped but not enough to knock herself unconscious. Impatiently, she grabbed an apple and hit her head as hard as she could with it. It worked, and she found herself on Mount Pra once more.
"What brings you here again, young lady?" Immortal SSW asked her serenely.
"Well, I have another request. I want to change my looks to become like my sister." Duan Er demanded.
"Why should I do that? I have already granted you your wish. You should not be so greedy." Immortal SSW said reproachfully.
"I will not leave unless you do it. I will disturb you so you cannot meditate. I'll send chickens and ducks and dogs here and disturb your peace." Duan Er said threateningly.
"I have magic powers. I can easily finish you off if I want to. Your threatens do not bother me one bit." Immortal SSW said mildly.
Duan Er felt very frustrated. She decided on another approach. She began weeping pitifully," I am sorry! I should not have said that! It's just that I have been feeling very miserable! I am way past my marriageable age already but no one is willing to marry me. They only want my sister, who is beautiful and talented, while I am ugly and un-wanted. Everyone laughs at me secretly. I am so pitiful! You are the only one who can help me! I promise to do anything for you if you will help me with this!"
Immortal SSW heart softened. He said," I see...Alright I agree to help you, but only if you agree to make a thousand bean paste cakes for me. I've not eaten for a hundred thousand years and I feel very hungry. It must be special and look appetizing and taste good. Come back after you have completed the task.
Set with this difficult task, Duan Er trudged back home (after taking a a bite of an apple conjured up by the Immor-tal SSW), racking her brains for solutions. She stared up at the moon and all of a sudden, a fist-sized rock hit her on her head. Moments later, several more came raining down at her. It was actually Chang Er hurtling the moon-rocks at her wicked sister.
Up on the moon, Chang Er sobbed. She was all alone on the moon and she could not die even though she tried to commit suicide. She had become an immortal, but a very lonely one. She was given the ability of great strength and precise aiming skills which enabled her to throw the moon rocks down at her sister on earth from the moon.
The impact of the moonrocks on Duan Er's head instead struck her with an idea. "Mooncakes." She said out loud.
She quickly rushed back home and tell her parents of her idea to organize a bean paste mooncake making competition to celebrate the full-moon night. She insisted on holding the competition straightaway because of the full-moon that night and to include all the townspeople in the lists of participants. Duan Er persuaded her parents to sponsor the costs of the ingredients saying that this will raise their reputation (which has not really been that good because of their notorious arrogance and snobby attitude), and perhaps improve the chances of her father being elected as mayor of the town.
2 hours later, the competition was up and running. The grand prize was the right to be the only family to produce and sell mooncakes in the town and a cash prize of a thousand taels. All the families were extremely enthusiastic and began making their version of mooncakes.
The next night was the deadline and the results night. Duan Er was the judge and she went around the long tables set up to display each family's mooncake. Many were quite hideous and many more tasted pretty awful. Finally she came to the last mooncake and saw that it was really beautifully-made. She took a bite of it and it was absolutely delicious. She immediately declared the Ling family as the winner and said to them," I want you to make 1000 of this mooncake by tomorrow night and you'll be handsomely rewarded. I will sponsor the cost of the ingredients."
The Ling mother said, shocked," I am honored to win this competition but it is impossible to make 1000 mooncakes in such a short time!"
Duan Er's parents were shocked too and pulled Duan Er aside and said,"Why do you need so many mooncakes? Why do you need them by tomorrow night?"
Duan Er quickly cooked up something," Ma, pa, Chang Er's wedding is coming. Hou Yi is coming back tomorrow. I want to give something special for my sister as her wedding gift. What is more special than giving the one-of-a-kind mooncakes to her?"
Her parents were fully convinced by her lie and agreed to her request. To help lighten the Ling's family workload, they assigned a hundred kitchen staffs to help them and even offered their luxurious kitchen to make the mooncakes.
Meanwhile, her parents thought that Chang Er had went to stay at Hour Yi's parents' house, as Duan Er had falsely conveyed to them.
The next night, Duan Er forged a letter in Chang Er's name and sent it to Hou Yi's parents, telling them to pass the letter to Hou Yi upon his return. Duan Er arranged for the 1000 mooncakes to be transported to the pavilion. She then sent them away saying that she wants to give Hou Yi and her sister Chang Er a surprise when they come to the pavilion that night. When no one was around, she grabbed an apple and hit her head hard with it. She then found herself on Mount Pra.
"I have completed the task. The cakes are beside the apple tree now. But I don't know how to transport them over." Duan Er said to Immortal SSW.
Immortal SSW muttered a chant ("lala lama lama I love Lama lala hom mani mani hom") and the next moment, the 1000 mooncakes materialized before them.
He looked at them and grinned delightedly and said," Well done. What are these called?"
"Mooncakes. Representing the full moon. Now you have to fulfill your promise." Duan Er said impatiently as Hou Yi will be arriving any minute.
He then proceeded to rub his body all over and a small brown pill appeared. "Think of the person whom you want to change into and swallow it."
Duan Er thanklessly took the pill and bit the apple which the immortal next conjured up and she found herself beside the apple tree again. She imagined Chang Er's face in her mind and then swallowed the pill. A few moments later, she felt her weight decreasing but not in the correct sense. Moments later her feet started to lift from the ground and she felt a strong force pulling her upwards.
"There must be a mistake! I don't want to go to the moon! NOOOOOOO!!!!!" She yelled as the force increased and she accelerated upwards. She struggled furiously but to no avail.
On her way up, she saw Chang Er floating downwards. They looked at each other, wide-eyed and shocked.
"That damn Immortal SSW tricked me! ARGHHHH!!!" She began cursing Immortal SSW.
Chang Er finally landed on the ground softly, beside the pavilion. The next moment, Hou Yi arrived and they hugged each other tightly. Tears of happiness rolled down Chang Er's cheeks.
Meanwhile, Immortal SSW was enjoying his 1000 mooncakes and thought to himself," This is your karma."
So, as you can see, it was Duan Er who ended up on the moon. The numerous moon craters are actually caused by Duan Er digging the ground for rocks to hurl at the earth but due to her terrible aiming skills, they ended up as what people would call shooting stars as they bypass the earth but never hitting earth.
The Freakstimes was conceived in 2003 by a very bored student who was studying for her O levels. Motivated by her love for writing jokes and drawing (albeit an amateurish attempt) and the various sources of inspirations from everyday life such as the streets, on TV, in movies, in books etc, she founded a publication called The Freakstimes, which is a compilation of masterpieces from herself as well as other distinguished contributors.