Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Unclassified - Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe

The newest shop to spring up along the Backstreet Night Market (owned by Backstreet Boys) is the Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe. The extremely kaypo reporter, Mr Kaypoberry made a trip down to the Cafe, which is tucked away in a very ulu corner of the Backstreet to dig out some juicy news for you greedy and gluttony readers.

The first thing that the reporter noticed when he stepped into the shop was that the owner looked very familiar. In fact, he is Mr Kana Sai, the hot favorite in the last Martial Arts Competition held last century!

Run by Mr Kana Sai, who was previously popularly featured in Freakstimes's bi-millenium Martial Arts Competition, the sushi cafe carries a huge variety of sushis, ranging from the usual fare to the downright out-of-this-world range of sushis.

"After failing to win the championship title in the Martial Arts Competition, I decided to give up fighting and focus on my other favourite pastime instead - making sushis!" Said Mr Kana Sai, while rolling the rice into balls with his hands (which wasn't washed after he stepped out of the toilet).

"I love making different kinds of sushis! We should have more varieties of sushis than what is currently served in all those common mainstream japanese restaurants!" Mr Kana Sai added excitedly, spluttering his saliva into the sushi balls.

Currently, he is the sole owner of his cafe without any employees because he has no money. But he is looking to hire Sushi Interns who are willing to accept below minimum wage and be severely overworked and starved.* (details below). Interested parties may apply directly at his shop.

Our Kaypo reporter tasted 99% of the 9999 varieties of sushis and below are the best ones he picked out:

1. Nuclear Wasabe Bomb sushi
Ingredients: 99% wasabi, 1% rice
Description: This sushi is made using a ladle of top-grade wasabe from the Mountains of Osaka, added on top of 5 grains of rice. This sushi is perfect for wasabe lovers. Additional wasabe can be added at $28 per ladle.
Warning: You may suffer from permanent throat damage. Estimated to affect 99% of customers.

2. Tamade Goni Sushi
Ingredients: Egg, rice, and fresh seaweed
Description: A messy goo of rotten half-boiled egg is mixed with some rice and rolled into balls, and then wrapped with seaweed which is fresh from the Sentosa Sea. The salty seaweed apparently goes really well with the rotten egg taste!
Warning: Severe diarrhoea may result, and more critical cases may lead to coma.

3. Kaninabe Sushi
Ingredients: Crab meat, spider eggs, and rice
Description: Minced crab meat is mixed with Thousand Pagoda Thai Chili Sauce and Tanutama Tarantula Spider eggs, and the delicious concoction is placed on top of rolled up rice, and then wrapped with pandan leaf like Bachang.
Warning: Tanutama Tarantula Spiders may emerge after you unwrap the Bachang. In the event that this happens, please don't eat the spiders as they are extremely endangered species, and you should send them to the SPCA (Spiders Protection and Care Assocation).

4. Kanasai Sushi
Ingredients: Rotten eggpplant, bread mould, chicken backside essence, Smelly Toufu, and thousand year old durian, mixed in spoilt Dutch Lady Yoghurt and placed on top of rice washed with fishtank water, and wrapped with barbecued seaweed.
Description: The signboard dish of Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe, this sushi flavour is proclaimed by Mr Kana Sai as his favourite and best innovation. Indeed, Kaypoberry's verdict was that it truly lives up to its name as tasting like shit.

5. Kaneena Sushi
Ingredients: ikan bilis, banana skin, asparagus, and tree bark, all mashed up and added on top of rice and wrapped in freshly-mowed grass (who says you have to use seaweed?)
Description: The mush of highly incompatible ingedients created such a huge clash of taste that even a person with no taste-buds would faint and foam at the mouth from the extremely flavourful mixture.

6. Cow Peh Cow Bu Sushi
Ingredients: sliced beef marinated in dishwater, wrapped over rice and then sprinkled with sawdust
Description: For beef lovers, this sushi uses premium beef specially imported from the Mad Cow Disease Farm in Sinkapula. Even the dishwater is specially imported from the Hilton Hotel in Old York.
Warning: people without Mad Cow Disease may have a 80% of contracting the disease, while those with Mad Cow Disease would be 100% cured after eating this sushi.

7. Sibeh Sialan Sushi
Ingredients: Fishball, fried Kway teow and fried carrot cake, mashed up and mixed in Maggi Goreng sauce, and added on top of Loy Kee's Worse chicken rice, and then wrapped in popiah skin.
Description: This is one unique sushi with a local flavour for Sinkapulans! A must try for tourists who wish to have a taste of all our notorious local dishes, all at once!

8. Honi Kishi Sushi
Ingredients: Poison Toad meat, Lionfish meat, and box jellyfish, mixed in cobra venom and wrapped in Posion Ivy flower petals
Description: The most powerful, deadly, and wicked sushi of the lot, this sushi is not for the faint-hearted! Permanent incapacitation and even instant expiration is almost guaranteed! But probably worth it for the single, split-second taste of the legendary sushi. No doubt, and true to its name, it promises to kill you after eating it!
Warning: Customers are advised to apply for insurance before eating this sushi so that your family members will be well taken care of in the future in the event of your sudden departure to the other realm.

Customers who spend above $999 will get a $0.99 voucher for Kanenabo cosmetics products! *Redeemable only at Bimbocity.

*Sushi Interns

Interns will learn to make all kinds of sushis and also be forced to wash all the dishes, mop the floors, serve customers, wipe tables, basically the role will be a "Bao Ga Liao" one.

- must be PhD holders in Sushi Studies
- be able to churn out 99 sushis per minute
- must not be SNSD fans
- Wondergirls fans will be an advantage

Reported by: Urban Geek

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

News Flash! 600 Died in Road Race

~ Where Mr Bull Head and Mr Horse Face Flatten the news out for you! ~

Freaktopia - On a very unmemorable day on 18/2/5000BC, Freaktopia's national last-ranking college organized an event called the Road Race. (The college is Freaktopiana Junior College - where all goons, fools, morons, and other assorted stupid people go)

As Freaktopiana Junior College (FJC) has a notorious reputation for being extremely superstitious, the principal hired the Great Grand Seer to do a divination prior to the event. As fate would have it, the Great Grand Seer collapsed and fainted upon stepping into the college, even before the divination rites could be conducted. The Seer suddenly convulsed and started doing the "duck-medium" trance (she paid the Duck Medium to teach her). She made a cryptic comment (maybe a prediction) that the school has a very idiotic aura and the aura would cause the students to shorten their lives by 50 years and for teachers, 80 years.

FJC holds a reputable record for the highest number of students dying each year and teachers as well. Last century, FJC saw 946 students pass away due to stress, suicide, love affairs, bankruptcy, etc while 57 teachers died from excessive loss of blood due to Hae Mo Blood Vomitting Syndrome (teachers contract this disease after 2 days of teaching and the disease often escalates to terminal stage within 7 days.)

Seconds before the Road Race, the school reminded the students to call their lawyers to write their wills and last testaments and to bade farewell to their friends and family before they depart. The route is a total of 4800km and the students have to run across the PIE, BKE, SLE, CTE, and all other combinations of 3 letters - 49 rounds. And also for the last lap, students are required to run along the Bulldozer Flyover where bulldozers travel at the speed of 1000km/s.

The Race lasted for 50 days, after which the race ended when the last snail entered the school gate and died due to excessive blood loss and missing lower body. 4 days before the Race ended, the Bulldozer Flyover collapsed as 104 bulldozers were jammed due to too many body parts being stuck in the engines, rendering the vehicles immobile.

As a result, it caused a major pileup of 200 bulldozers and explosion with the force of 100 nuclear warheads, taking 600 students together with all the bulldozer drivers to heaven.

Fortunately, the remaining surviving students suffered only permanent damage such as loss of limbs, mangled body, missing lower body, paralysis, multiple and irreparable fractures etc which the insurance companies refused to pay for unless threatened by lawyer letters (must be from Lee Law Firm).

The Mass Funeral will take place on 31 Dec 5000 BC at the Pulau Hantu Landfill (where dead students are reminded to arrange for their own burial and call their family priest to chao du them) at 12 midnight.

Attendance is compulsory. Absentees will be expelled unless parents threaten to complain to the Ministry of Education.

Reported by Mr Bull Head and Mr Horse Face

(By Duck Medium, Edited by Urban Geek)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Funny quotes of the day

Some funny quotes from
(click on image to enlarge)

Reported by: Urban Geek