Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Haze Descends On Freaktopia

Freaktopia, Freaktopia – Recently, there is a thick suffocating blanket of asthma-inducing haze enveloping the realm of Freaktopia. The innocent smog does absolutely nothing except for causing traffic accidents to pop up like a fungus infection, cause the Freaktopian inhabitants (humans and non-humans, alive and dead alike) to drop dead like flies being sprayed with a healthy dose of Baygone and flood the newspapers with thoroughly useless reports on the current obstinate atmospheric condition that is determined to stay for the next few millennia and add itself to the ever-increasing problems and woes of Freaktopia.

As the haze continues to exist, the Health and Death Ministry is experiencing a huge spike in its citizens dropping like flies, spontaneously combusting and being flung 5km after being hit by speeding vehicles and splattering all over the roads. ”The haze is simply terrible, you know?!” demanded an irate Mutabakian whom was smoking literally at the ears. “I cannot even see who I am talking to and whenever I hear voices, I thought I going insane because I am talking to an invisible person,” said the Mutabakian to herself before spontaneously combusting to a delightful crisp. The High Commissioner of the Mutabakian Police Force had declared that the entire force will be on break until the haze moves to another dimension, until then, citizens are encouraged to take legal matters into their hands. Also, the executioner will be away on annual leave. Much as the haze is posing plenty of physical and mental health issues to law-abiding Freaktopians, the thick and impenetrable smog is good news to those who are planning break-ins, smugglings, heists and murder or simply getting away scot-free after mowing down a crowd of kindergarten brats playing in the middle of the highway. 

Nobody know how the haze came about as it literally appeared out of Nowhere (a new dimension that is currently being explored by physicists at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak (RUUM), Unknown University (UU) and Allopia Spy School (ASS)) and settled over the infinitely vast multiverse of Freaktopia, as though it is a sentient being and had arrived at the conclusion that this is the perfect place for a permanent residence. This is the official answer issued unanimously by the three most prestigious educational institutions in Freaktopia. However, the inhabitants are unsatisfied by such “boring and brainlessly politically correct statements” and that they are beginning to dig into matter (armed with teaspoons, spatulas and beach spades). “I am certain the haze is caused by the ongoing war between Fiji and Veggiepura with the former burning swathes   of farmlands, vegetable crops, plantations and citizens, while the latter is retaliating with firing of chili bombs, catapulting of gigantic pumpkins, hurling of exploding watermelons and arcane summoning of killer beanstalks,” said a Mutabakian sagely. Yet again, not all Freaktopians share the same sentiments. One believed that the haze might be due to the Urban Geek’s summoning ritual going awry and her flaming Ifrit is happily hurling hellfire everywhere and anywhere. 

In her defence, the Urban Geek, aka Royal High Summoner, stated she had not been conducting any summoning rituals and the hot weather is certainly not conducive for summoning a Fire-type Aeon since the summoner is likely to faint and die from heatstroke before the Aeon could be successfully summoned. When fingers are pointed in the direction of the Duck Medium, whom is well-known for conducting numerous forbidden rituals, the medium was discovered to be silently slitting open several teddy bears and muttering prayers in the dark. Meanwhile, the Princess of Mutabak is unavailable for comments and is believed to be on an incognito tour of the scenic environs of Mount Pra.

Duck Medium's Wisdom Part II

Here are more of Duck Medium's wisdom accumulated over the 2 decades it had spent in the alternate dimension of Seran Goon Senior College. They are not merely pretty words but also survival tips on how to stayin'alive(a song by Bee Gees that almost drive the Duck Medium to a deeper state of insanity) in the peaceful world of Freaktopia. Some of these are actually e-mails from fiends of mine from that concrete hell called a school.
  • I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
  • I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
  • I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.
  • I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
  • I no longer shop in a mall since trying out clothes risk a hidden camera or double-sided mirror.
  • I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
  • I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
  • I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
  • I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.
  • I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
  • I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
  • I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
  • I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Here are some mathematical equations that can finally be applied in real life, unlike those rubblish we learnt from boring, dusty and mouldy textbooks taught by old maids.

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item she doesn't need.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot & love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, & she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs & cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Duck Medium's wisdom

Here are some quotes sent to me by some good friends of mine in college. These little bits of wisdom had helped me through my most peaceful times by inviting trouble. I really never knew such knowledge ever exist! Had I been aware of them much earlier, my life will naow be full of blissful chaos, beautiful mayhem, comforting paranoia and soothing pandemonium. Enjoy!!
  • Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig is actually enjoying it.
  • Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
  • Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
  • It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.
  • Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised.
  • Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.
  • Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.
  • Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  • I'm not a complete idiot, there're still some parts missing!
  • Forgive your enemies but remember their names
  • The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
  • I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. * He said he wanted more proof.
  • Some pain is physical and some is mental, but one that's both is dental.
  • Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome
  • For the husband who snores all night, because he is at home asleep with me and not with someone else.
  • For my teenage daughter who is complaining about doing dishes, because that means she is at home & not on the streets.
  • For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am employed.
  • For the mess to clean after a party because it means that I have been surrounded by friends.
  • For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it means I have enough to eat.
  • For my shadow that watches me work because it means I am out in the sunshine.
  • For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need cleaning because it means I have a home.
  • For all the complaining I hear about the government because itmeans that we have freedom of speech.
  • For the parking spot I find at the far end of the parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been blessed with transportation.
  • For the noise I have to bear from my neighbours because it means that I can hear.
  • For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I have clothes to wear.
  • For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day because it means I have been capable of working hard.
  • For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours because it means that I am stilll alive.
------by Duck Medium


address: Mortal Realm, Freaktopia, Phua Kang Road back alley. $15 admission fees required

things to take note:

  • no police personnel allowed into the premises or risk being sued by us
  • no stealing is allowed.
  • customers are reminded to bring enough cash or risk being thrown out.
  • credit card, Other Realm Money(unless you are a OR citizen), cheque and fake money are not allowed to be used.
  • pay first before you buy.
  • no refund for damaged items.
  • self-service.
Motto: we steal. we sell. we earn. you pay

Today's Special: Selling rare items stolen from the Mutabak Palace.

1. Whiskie

A completely and hopelessly insane lifeform inhabiting the backyard of the Mutabak Palace, killing innocent cockroaches and lizards. Whiskie is the the owner of the famous Critters Connoisseur Catering Company. This living organism had almost driven the royal inhabitants of the Mutabak Palace insane with its never-ending-190decibels whining.
Disclaimer: purchase at the risk of your own sanity and eardrums. This living thing cannot be killed, tortured, trained or given away, due to a curse placed by Queen Mutabak
An evil entity cursed by the Duck Medium as Sinful. This item is filled to the brim with extra-concentrated sulphuric acid, with poisonous arrowanas and piranhas living within it. A neccessity for a household with too many family members. Don't bother cleaning the tank as the inhabitants are clean eaters and the acid will do the cleaning, just remember to feed it a owner per day to keep it happy. The food must be below 40 years old, free from STDs and not under-nourished. Overweight applicants are welcomed with open jaws.
Cost: $39.90
The powder blue bicycle is a favourite toy of the Mutabak Princess and it cannot bear to be parted with its owner. The vehicle is enchanted by the living breath of the Princess, causing it to come to life on every weekend. The enchantment will cause the bike and its rider to crash into speeding trucks, trees or lamp posts at breakbones speed, after one week of ownership.
Warning: This bicycle has caused the death of three people and the loss of several limbs, as well as causing major car accidents, extensive property and environmental damage.
Cost: $119.70
This ancient and dusty tome is filled with all kinds of spells, enchantments and curses accumulated by the Mutabak ancestors. The Grimoire is also filled with all kinds of knowledge, information, dicoveries, researches and studies ranging from astronomy to zoology. However, this moth-eaten book is still sought after by many people, especially the TFM sect and the Gory Chick who will use the book to transform Freaktopia into their own evil perverted playground. Be warned! This book will always automatically update itself by growing new pages and writing in them. It may sometime fill itself with useful rumours, gossips, paparazzi news or the darkest secrets of others. Please use the information for your own selfish monetary benefit via blackmailing!
Caution: the book will occassionally write the owner's secrets into its pages. owners are warned that the book is allergic to correction fluid, and do not try tearing the pages out unless you want to be cursed or crushed by the heavy book.
Cost: please negotiate with Animal Instinct. addition of $85 will be charged for cleaning services and furthur $100 will be charged for using an amoured truck to transport the 1 tonne Grimoire.
A 17th century antique thrown out of the 17th story window by the Queen Mutabak, because it tried to sew her fingers together, into the backyard of the Mutabak Palace missing Whiskie's head by 0.01 mm. This sewing machine is able to through anything because the sewing needle is made form a fragment of the Maureen Saw. A treasure fit of any seamstress.
Cost: $87.65
note: any loss of limbs, life or property damage are your own problems. No blaming is allowed. New owners are advised to top up your existing insurances or else face the consequences.
A wooden cabinet made of Very Haunted Wood, is bursting with stuffed toys. Every Spring, for 15 days, these toys escape from the cabinet to wreck havoc in the house by cursing the inhabitants with loads of bad luck, wrecking furniture, creating mayhem, spreading disease and pandemonium, encouraging children to create chaos and inducing paranoia in adults. Children are advised not to play with the Barbie Dolls as they re infected with AIDS.
Disclaimer:owners are told to keep your problems to yourselves, do not let them out of the house. Free cabinet window replacement for 1 day. Do not give away any or bring any soft toy out of the house or risk being arrested for disturbing social peace.
Cost: $99.99, after 1 cent discount
by Duck Medium