Sunday, November 7, 2010

News Flash! F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix

Eggplant Expressway (Veggiepura) – This year’s annual F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix will be held in Veggiepura after the vegetarian nation won the hosting bid by a huge margin as the other competitors’ representatives mysteriously vanished or wound up in the country’s mortuary in ash urns, cola bottles, packed into packets of NTUC minced pork.

“Veggiepura is proud to host this year’s F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix. We are confident of winning the hosting bid as lots of ‘preparation’ and ‘careful planning’ have been done to ensure success. The event will definitely garner lots of visitors from Freaktopia, the Heavenly Realm and the Other Realm as Veggiepura has worked hard to prevent live broadcast, online streaming, satellite spying and crystal ball viewing of the event,” said a spokesperson from Veggiepura’s Ministry of Information, Communication and Arts. It also mentioned that the country is going make the event the most exciting, costliest and bloodiest in the history of F5 racing.

The F5 Inter-realm Racing Committee (FIRC) revealed plans to select Veggiepura’s Eggplant Expressway as the race’s course. Eggplant Expressway boasts an impressive length of 987654321 km with a total of 987654321000 Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) gantries. Each gantry is located just 1 metre from the next and charges $100 for passing through it. To ensure that the country will not suffer from revenue loss, all participating vehicles will be installed with a device that blows up the vehicle and its driver with the force of 200 nuclear warheads should it try to pass through a gantry with insufficient cash. The Eggplant Expressway begins at the foot of Mount St. Salad and wound itself around the mountain’s treacherous slopes. It then enters the mountain at the summit, roller-coaster itself through the mountain’s pitch black interior and exit out into Scarecrow Field, which is populated by residential possessed scarecrows and spectral crows. According to the ruling of F5, racers are required to make 999 rounds around the race circuit to complete it.

The Freakstimes understands that the FIRC intends to have several racing vehicles sabotaged, coating the mountainous tracks with Extra-Slip Canola Cooking Oil and booby-trapping Scarecrow Field with ZGMF-666s Legendary Landmines. The sabotaged vehicles will have their brakes removes, wheels loosened and have a contorted Al-Thosai suicide bomber expertly planted and concealed beneath the driver’s seat. Meanwhile, coating the race tracks with cooking oil will give bookies all over Freaktopia to open more windows for illegal betting such as which particular racer will slip off the mountain to its death at the 554th corner and how many racers will zoom off the cliff at top speed.

Finally, the planting of landmines in Scarecrow Field will give racers trained in Minesweeper a chance to outstrip their speedier counterparts who are pondering over the possible mine locations for a time long enough for the Duck Medium to reincarnate several times. These are some of the actions the FIRC will be taking to give the F5 race a more exciting vibe and the surprise to keep the audience glued permanently to their seats.

“Of course, enthusiastic audiences are very much welcomed to join their favourite racers in the race by running beside them, or welding themselves to the vehicles,” said Mr Zhng Engine, the chairperson of the organising committee. He added that any additional ideas or efforts to increase the body count are much appreciated and will be placed into action without any delay. It is revealed that all funeral costs and repairs to damaged public and private properties will be handled by the racers.

F5, held annually in different parts of Freaktopia, is the grandest and most anticipated racing event in the history of Freaktopia. It involves highly-trained mutabaks travelling at a breakneck speed of 0.1mm per hour in professional racing trishaws. Over several uncountable millennia, the rules have mutated and today, racers are allowed to use vehicles such as unicycles and push carts. Several critics speculated that some might be using toy scooters, NTUC trolleys and wheelchairs installed with jet engines or propellers.

There has not been a champion since 35,000 BM (Before Mutabak) as all of the participants perished within 10cm of the starting line. It was forecasted by the High Summoner Urban Geek and Duck Medium that all of the racers will die from diseases, curses, accidents and other assorted misfortunes and unforeseen circumstances before the starting horn goes off. Several racers such as Ferrero Asshole and Michelle Shoemaker took the predictions very seriously and had employed the Duck Medium to bribe King Yama of the Other Realm to allow them to survive the race, although no promises of avoiding misfortunes such as loss of limbs, paralysis and permanent coma were made. “Maybe I might get a Replacement Slave from Shop N Slave to take my place,” said a paranoid Mr Asshole who started seeing death portents everywhere since the spiritual proclamations by the Medium and Summoner.

- Reported by Mr Sam Spoiler and additional reporting by F5 correspondent, Mr Bob Bodywork

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