Wednesday, June 12, 2013

The Bookshop

Due to the recent establishment of the prestigious University of Everything, in addition to the existence of Allopia Spy School and Bala Stella School, the number of bookshops in the galaxy of Freaktopia has finally reached an overheating maximum.

In order to reduce the competition among the Bookshops, the Ministry of Education has decided to merge the three Bookshops, so as to reduce death, blood and gore. It was decreed by the Ministry that all the Bookshops should sell the same products and provide the same services, although their prices may differ from one other. As this is the New Year, the Bookshop has decided to launch its new products that have been growing mould and collecting dust ever since they had been created, so as to heighten the festive mood with plenty of dismay, misfortune and inauspiciousness.

1. N2B Pencil

This 2B pencil is the latest assassination weapon produced by the Weapons and Physics Students of Allopia and Bala Stella. The new N2B pencil is even more deadly and useful then its predecessor, the 2B Pencil, because it can now kill both vampires and humans. The pencil is made of wood which can easily dust any vampire by shoving it through their hearts.

Since it is a pencil, no vampire will ever suspect a pencil to be used as a stake. Inside this stationery there are 4 micro non-nuclear missiles which can be launched out through the tip of the pencil when the pink eraser trigger is pressed, causing an explosion 55 times the force of a regular atomic bomb, minus the radiation.

All the user need to do is to aim the tip of the pencil in the general direction of the intended victim and tell the pencil the name of the target; just make sure the victim does not share the same name as you. The missile will be guided to the target by heat, smell, identity and essence sensors, making sure the strike is 100% accurate and satisfying.

Since the material is made of wood, this assassination gadget will pass through any checkpoint in the disguise of innocent stationery, and the wooden material makes it environmentally friendly upon disposal as it is biodegradable.

$2.90 for 1 packet of 12 pencils

2. A4 Foolscrape Paper

This Foolscrape Paper is one of the most essential equipment that must be found on every self-respecting students; without it, the lives of countless students will be devoid of life, vitality and excitement.

The Foolscrape Paper has many useful and lifesaving, as well as reputation-saving and reputation-wrecking purposes besides the conventional, outdated, unfashionable and boring educational purposes such as copying notes and doing homework.

With this product, students will never have to spend another moment decomposing in class as the Foolscrape Paper will provide hours of entertainment so that time in the most boring lessons will zoom past without you knowing it.

Use the paper to write notes to one other, make paper planes that will dive bomb students and teachers alike to create chaos and pandemonium in class, or simply indulge yourselves in the simple pleasures of playing hangman or pictionary. Moreover, the Foolscrape Paper can also be used to clean your backside after doing your business because some asshole had jammed a toilet bowl with an entire toilet roll. Also, it can be crushed into a paper ball and then shoved down someone’s throat to choke the person to death, or simply use the sharp edge of the A4 paper to slice your own or others’ throat if you want to commit suicide or murder someone but unable to get hold on a Maureen Saw or bladed object.


3. The Bookshop Ten Year Series Assessment Books

These four words will simply drive any student into full-blown panic attack or give them hives or simply make them want to commit suicide. This is because these words equal to something that is almost non-existent in the students’ dictionary: HOMEWORK.

But with this new brand of TYS, students will never need to fear homework and will even be able to simile blandly into the pasty and toad-like face of the meanest and most perverse teacher in school. This new series of TYS is specially enchanted by students of Bala Stella School, which will automatically fill themselves up with answers in the handwriting of their owner, and include explanations to keep the student out of trouble in case the teacher demanded one. The book is also blessed with common sense which will deliberately make some accidental mistakes to avoid making the teacher suspicious of the book.

But should the teacher discover something wrong with the book, the TYS will automatically disintegrate in the hands of the teacher to save the student from punishments and to erase all evidence of its existence.

The book can also be used as a projectile weapon and launched across the classroom by the student to hit the teacher on the head, and the book will then promptly attach itself to the teacher's head and then detonate to remove the scum from the face of the earth.

O- Levels ----$13.60
A- Levels ----$19.90

4. Photocopying Services

The photocopying service is one crucial service that will surely be used by all people in the school. Without it, catastrophes and disasters will strike. The photocopy machine has recently been upgraded by the Criminology and Business Management Students.

Besides photocopying notes, undone homework and missing assignments, the photocopying will be extending its services to satisfy the needs of students and to reduce huge inconveniences faced. Students, teachers and school staff members can use the photocopy machine to photocopy and print money. All can be rest assured that the photocopied is identical to the real ones and no machine can detect its fakeness unless you tell them. However, a quota is imposed by Principal Sushi Ho that a maximum of $50,000 worth of money can only be printed by each person. Anyone caught violating her…I mean her rule, will have their limbs and tongue placed in the shredding machine.

Students photocopying the following documents will be exempted from paying: blackmail letters, terrorism notes, death-threat notes, loan shark posters, ransom notes, prostitution flyers, nude photos, drug advertisements and black market flyers.

Teachers photocopying notes, homework, test papers and etc will have to pay a fine of $5000 and pay 55 times the price of the total bill.

Cost depends on what you are printing

5. COMPUTA 101

This product is the latest software researched by the Computer Lab. It consists of a CD ROM, User Manual and Video VCD, all for the price of 3. The COMPUTA 101 will teach, educate and train students to become hackers, virus releasers and creators and cyber rime masterminds.

Students will learn how to hack into government files and databases to change information, create 'backdoors', infect them with virus or simply obtain data to sell as daylight robbery prices. They can also learn to create viruses and release them in the Internet to create mayhem and panic, then sell antivirus software to people at sky high prices. Better still, students can learn to hack into the school’s mainframe to delete or change data containing students’ crime, profile, grades and remarks. Furthermore, they can learn how to gain access to teachers’ files to remove data and files containing exam questions so that there will be no exam or obtain the solutions and sell them to desperate students. Absolutely fantastic.

Cost--$238.95 plus 1 GET OUT OF JAIL card sponsored by Chang’e Moon Prison

6. Glass Bottles

This may sound extremely dumb and stupid but please bear with it. These glass bottles are not ordinary glass bottles used to contain paper stars or Pepsi; instead they contain things that are feared by almost every living thing on earth. They contain catastrophes, mayhem, disasters, chaos and pandemonium. When the Gods first sent these calamities to earth, the ancestor of Duck Medium collected and sealed them into bottles so that they can be sold to others at exorbitant prices. The bottles catastrophes can unleash their horrors upon others when the owner uncork the bottles or smash them onto the floor.

Catastrophes: landslide, mudslide, earthquake, volcanic eruption, rising sea level, quicksand, desertification, quagmire, sandstorm, drought, forest fire


Disasters: thunderstorm, lightning storm, flood, waterspout, tsunami, hailstorm, blizzard, snowstorm, tidal waves, torrential rain, avalanche, acid rain


Calamities: hurricanes, cyclones, tornadoes, typhoon, haze, smog, meteorite collision, supernatural apocalypse, nuclear war, epidemics, alien invasion


Panic: economic crisis, family crisis, stress, STD, cancer, unnatural death, insanity, murder, 18 generations of bad luck, curses, jinx, kidnap, blackmailed, robbed, raped, molested, organ failure, bankruptcy, suicide, ritual sacrificed, cannibalism


Mayhem: rioting, bank robbery, terrorism attack, after school chaos, demonstrations, protests…etc


Students are allowed to request their own custom-made Glass Bottles by stating their preferred catastrophes, calamities, disasters, mayhem, panic, chaos and pandemonium.
Order now to receive 20% discount.
Buy 3 cartons to receive free Lau Sai Casket membership card and 1 bottle of Sia Sin Wei Armpit flavor Xian Dan (immortal pill) free.

By Duck Medium

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