Saturday, October 3, 2009

Special Feature: Meng Poh Soup Shop

In the previous season of Freakstimes, we featured the notoriously famous and reputable critters connoisseur cuisine and the various dishes on its one kilometre long menu. In this issue of the second season of Freakstimes, our brave but still rather foolish reporter braved the elements, weather, and all kinds of nonsense we threw at him to find new food with rare ingredients, exquisite taste and unique appearance. Finally, after arriving at the other realm, our reporter cum food connoisseur discovered the one and only Meng Poh soup shop. Dear readers, please do not drool all over the keyboard and start craving for some Meng Poh soup.



To open many shops and branches in both the Mortal and the Other Realm by scheming, plotting and using underhand means. We strive to make Meng Poh’s soup a must in every living thing’s daily diet and a must-have soup before both death and reincarnation.


To come up with more new dishes solely just to increase revenue, to earn more revenue and put even more competitors out of business. We strive to do so through human experimentation, trial and error and, dissection and restitching.


Ignorance is Buddha, forgetting can only be Meng Poh’s Soup.


Monday-Friday: 1200-2500 (Other Realm)
0800-0801 (Mortal Realm)

Saturday: 0900-0800 (Other Realm)
2600-2900 (Mortal Realm)

Sunday/Public Holidays: 1200-1900 (The Other Other Realm)
(Mortal Realm and Other Realm Closed)



The Original Meng Poh Soup uses both traditional ingredients and cooking methods to induce a sense of outdatedness in our customers before they depart. Placing a cauldron full of purified smelly drainwater and soapy dishwater to boil for five hours until grey pungent fumes are observed which turn red litmus paper blue. During which, fresh cabbage is stir-fried with maggots, giant moths and ultra hot chili. Rotting chicken entrails, putrid pigeon skeleton and dried leaves with woodlouses are thrown into the half-prepared soup and allowed to simmer for one day in the Tefal non-spill Eight Trigrams Soup Steamer, until all the essential essences from the rare ingredients have fully dissolved into the soup.

To complete the dish, a large spadeful of Housefly Brand Diabetic Sugar is dumped into the bubbling, frothing, foaming mess inside the cauldron. The soup is then served in a traditional cracked bowl to signify generations of poverty, infertility and ill fortune.

Note: Not suitable for children below 21. Parental guidance needed. Excessive consumption may cause unstoppable nosebleed and constipation.

Rating: Hospital Food

Small-$3.45 Medium-$3.90 Large-$5.30
U.Psize-$3(addition of an extra drop of soup)



From a wide range of vegetables from Meng Po’s own barren backyard, rotting beetroot, caterpillar-ravaged cauliflower and putrid broccoli are carefully chosen and then skillfully hacked into uneven pieces using the latest Maureen Saw culinary saw.

The ingredients are minced into an unrecognizable mess and allowed to collect dust. A special soup base consisting of Dettol, Dynamo, Vanish Power O2 detergent and diesel is specially prepared by Meng Po herself, because the making process is too life risking and will result in extremely high mortality rate and loss of limbs may occur if ever tried without undergoing training at the Meng Po Academy. After a decade or two, a simmering pot of sizzling venomous green liquid awaits the dusty ingredients to be unceremoniously dumped into it.

Simultaneously, a Teletubby school bag full of medicinal hers like moonshade, ducksbane, nunshood and Ahseng is also thrown into the mixture to solely increase the cost price of the dish( just to earn more profit).

At last, a cupful of SSW Immortal seasoning and deep fried algae are added to improve the popularity of this otherworldly soup. Customers can also order a side dish of vegetables in oily sauce.

Note: Excessive consumption of vegetables will cause stroke, heart attack and colon cancer. Soup may result in unstoppable diahorrea, low fertility, loss of bowel control and Teck Wei’s syndrome.

Rating: TNT (Totally No Taste)

Large-$2.50 Very Large-$2.60 Even Larger-$2.70 Super Large-$2.80 Extremely Large-$2.90 Olympic-$3.00 (exclusive of 90% GST)


Vegetables are secretly kidnapped from their beds in the Exclusive Care Unit from Freak Tock Seng Hospital. They are carefully marinated using a special secret recipe consisting of water flea seasoning, artificial human flavoring, unpermitted food coloring, and 99% monosodium glutamate.

After being fed and soaked in the marinade, the vegetables are barbequed over a slow fire, while expired ICI Deluxe butter is spread on it. A sauce which comprises of petrol, diesel, medicated oil, lard, cooking oil and machine lubricant is used to bring out the exotic smell and taste of this dish. A beaker full of heroine and Ice are also used as permitted food addictives. The sauce is then poured over the dish to complete it, giving it an oily look.

Rating: Inedible

Note: Not suitable for vegetarians.

Varies with nationality, age, gender, height, weight and other factors. Prices may rise due to other unforeseen circumstances.
Chinese rural villagers-$5.30
African slaves-$1.20
Bollywood stars-$65125
European beggars-$56.01


To cater to the queer taste buds of our huge cannibalistic Fijian population, Meng Po decided to dedicate more of her youth to research and experiment new recipes, cooking methods and ingredients and eventually created this unique dish before her demise. Selecting the freshest and most youthful main ingredient form Shop N Slave, Meng Po will fatten up the slaves by feeding them lots of fatty and oily food catered from her rival, Critters Cuisine. Of course, she did not miss out the chance to stuff the slaves full of her vegetables in oily sauce. After a month of hard dieting (initially forced, but eventually voluntary), the slaves are ready to be cooked.

A large pot of polluted seawater is put to boil with contaminated seaweed and moldy miso paste as seasoning. The slaves are rubbed with a rare oil made of moisturizer cream, powdered dung beetles, stewed termites and a drop of Mr. Brasso shoe polish. The flavored meats are then thrown into the bubbling pot and cooked alive until they are dead, soft and nice.

With a secret recipe handled down to her by the Woodbridge Cook, Meng Po made an exquisite paste of fish scales, dandruff, armpit hair, overcooked eggplant and Shaga Shaga’s extremely spicy curry lama to give the soup a touch of Fijiness, so that our customers will think of their homeland. With everything rojak together, the Exotic Fiji Broth is finally born and served in a traditional Fijian coconut bowl, decorated with orchids and hibiscus.

Rating: Horrible

Note: customers are encouraged to bring along their slaves (to be disposed of). Family members, friends or enemies are also accepted. Customers can also request their own preferred soup flavor.

Cost varies according to the availability of the required/wanted slave. Each customer is entitled to consume only 1 slave at a each serving to prevent inflation of slave prices.

Note from the SPCA: Please note that slaves are a precious commodity and are endangered. Please save our slaves from extinction!

Reported by: Duck Medium

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