Tuesday, February 8, 2011

News Flash!!! Hang Ten Inc. Sets Up Business in Freaktopia

The Execution Professionals

Freaktopia - The Freaktopia Penitentiary executioners have long been overworked. As a result of the recent spurt in the number of prisoners being given the death sentence, the number of executions they have to carry out daily has become even far more than what the number of executioners available at the Penitentiary can handle. The straw that broke the camel's back (camel was immediately sent to the Freaktopian Animal Hospital) when the electric chair used to administer the electrocution sentence broke down and the executioners had to resort to manual flogging to beat the deathrow inmates to death. This resulted in even greater fatigue for the executioners, some of whom broke their backs in the process and had to be sent to the same hospital as the camel. Meanwhile, the prisoners are accumulating as the rate of inflow of prisoners exceeds the rate of prisoners executed. The Penitentiary has been reduced to a chaotic mess as the prisoners wreaked havoc every day, driving 50% of the wardens to madness and 45% to suicide. The remaining 5% are threatening to quit.

In a bid to tackle this pressing issue, the Ministry has decided to outsource the executions to Hang Ten Inc., a professional execution organization. The 10-year contract is reported to be worth $10 billion. "We are pleased to be able to work with the Ministry, to utilize our expertise in carrying out executions to serve the country. We have been around since 100B.M. (Before Murtabaks) so you can trust us to execute our executions efficiently and painlessly...well, more or less." Said Mr Lau Sai, who was previously the CEO of Lau Sai Funeral Services Company.

Hang Ten is a publicly-listed company with about 2000 employees, including 1000 professionally trained executioners. The executioners have been painstakingly headhunted and scouted from around the world, including the other realm, to ensure that only the best and most talented ones are hired for the highly-challenging job. The criteria include: must be at least 8 foot tall, weigh at least 150kg, able to wield a 100kg executioner sword, able to carry 10 men etc. Executioners are paid a salary of $100,000 per month. Their services are in high demand throughout Freaktopia and the Other Realm, which have plenty of dispensable human beings to kill off. According to the HR manager, the next hiring round will be in 2015.

The menu of execution services are detailed below, divided into the traditional and non-traditional categories. Judges can now enjoy a much wider and exciting range of execution methods to choose from to bestow on the doomed criminals.

Traditional Methods

Proven techniques of execution which have been passed down over the millennia, these are sure-fire, moron-proof, economical and efficient ways to deliver death-inducing punishments on the death-row inmates.

1. Hanging

Description: Just like what you see in hangman, the prisoner is sent to the gallows and hung. Death is quick and clean.
Gore Level:

2. Electrocution

Description: Prisoner sits on an electric chair. A high voltage is passed through the prisoner's body, forcefully expelling his soul from his physical body. A series of higher voltages can be administered for more exciting effects. For instance, at maximum voltage, the body will be burned to a charred crisp (suitable for use in bbq parties).
Gore level:

3. Shooting

Description: Various guns or rifles, and even a cannon are available to choose from. Depending on the type of gun, a single shot or multiple shots may be required. Trigger-happy mode is also available but at an extra charge of $10,000.

Gore level: depends on the type of guns and bullets. 1 – 9/10.

4. Decapitation

Description: There are many choices of swords, knifes, choppers, parangs, etc to choose from, providing different styles of cut.

Gore level: 6/10

Unholy Methods

Executioners from the Other Realm are hired for this category of execution methods.

However, exorcists are needed to send back the executioners after the task is over, which can get pretty messy.

1. Possession

A priest is required to summon a vengeful and bloodthirsty spirit to possess the inmate, which the forceful spiritual possession will cause the prisoner’s neck to twist 360° like in the Exorcist. The spirit may be asked to carry out the following acrobatic stunts:

A) Projectile vomiting until body is drier than the Sahara Desert

B) Twisting the body like a pretzel

C) Self mutilation by breaking bones one by one

D) Smashing head into the wall until the cranium is plastered on the wall like wallpaper.

Note: alternatively, the priest can choose to simply exorcise the inmate’s soul from his body and destroy it via Exorcism.

Gore Factor: 7/10 -9/10 depending on cooperativeness and creativity of the summoned spirit

Karma Executions

1. Acts of God

In contrast with the execution option of Divine Punishment which sought the help of God to dispose of the human scumbag, this execution method simply plays on the inmate’s karma, just desserts and designation retribution by the twisted Fate.

A) Slipped to death (choose from a wide selection of surfaces like: lethally soapy bathroom floor, ice rink, oil coated stairs, frictionless marble floor)

B) Pushed into the way of a speeding funeral hearse

C) Crushed to death by a falling grossly overweight suicide victim

D) Becoming a victim of a suicide bomber in the Off-Middle East

E) Decapitated by fan blade

F) Falling into a wood chipper or mincing machine

G) Locked in a freezer (sub-zero temperature)/furnace (hot enough to melt steel)

H) Bleed to death from a deep cut on the neck when shaving

I) Trapped in a lift falling from 999th storey to basement 1

J) Knocked unconscious by falling showerhead and landing face first into a basin full of water

K) Natural expiration

Note: judge can pray to God for other Acts of God not specified in the list. Additional legal fees and taxes will be billed to the prosecuting party.

Conventional Executions

A) Starvation - good money-saving method

B) Exhaustion resulting from slave labour - excellent way to leverage on doomed prisoners to help build the Great Wall of Chikila in Kootupura

C) Hanging from the Cliff of Mount Pra by the nail’s edge of the inmate’s broken appendage and limb (can choose to hang from toe, tongue, teeth or hair)

D) Iron Maiden (thickness and length of spikes can be changed)

E) Suffocation (pillow, bolster, mattress, artificial breasts, ass, elephant, rhinoceros or other assorted safari animals)

F) Placed under an extra-large magnifying glass on a fine and insanely hot day - great for science practical lessons for grade 6 kids

New Patented Execution Methods (Promotion! 5% off)

1. Flogging

Note: prisoner will be injected with substances that will heighten their sense of pain

- Choose from a wide selection of objects to be flogged with:

A) Military alloy baseball bat

B) Furniture (metal chair, banquet table, metallic library shelves, computers, TVs, stoves, ovens)

C) Tools (screwdrivers, hammers, mallets, ladders)

D) Whip with electrified barbed wire

E) Er Mei Bitch Slap technique x 100000 times

Gore level: different options result in different gore levels and time taken to kill the prisoner, though death is 100% guaranteed. Option of flogging can be chosen by either the judge or victim.

2. Cooking

A) Burnt at the stake (Salem-style or Silent Hill style)

B) Deep fried

C) Boiled/ steamed

D) Microwaved

E) Barbequed

F) Others: executioners can call up chefs at Critters Connoisseur Cuisine to seek advice on more cooking methods to send their prisoners off.

Note: all options will have the end result given to Fijians to enjoy. The judge may order Fijians to carry out the cooking execution and charge them with the duty to dispose the leftovers.

Gore level: option A will provide the most satisfaction to sadists and victims alike.

3. Divine punishments

This form of execution requires priests from Saint Murtabak Church to pray for the inmate’s obliteration via God’s divine wrath.

A) Struck by lightning storms

B) Spontaneous human combustion/death via heat wave (latter is slower and more torturous)

C) Cardiac arrest

D) Swallowed up by earthquake

E) Frozen to death

F) Crushed by avalanche/landslide

G) Traffic Accident (hit by speeding unicycle, bicycle, tricycle, trishaw, motorbike, car, van, ambulance, lorry, truck, concrete mixer, crane carrier, train, falling plane and all of the above)

H) Decimated by falling meteor

4. Military executions

A) Thrown off Mount Pra’s summit naked (Mt Pra height: 99999999999 feet)

B) Thrown off fighter jet naked (from the stratosphere)

C) Dangling off the tail of a fighter jet by a rope and dragged over the Hombalaya Mountain range until inmate becomes an unrecognizable mass of pulverized meat splattered over the geological feature

D) Mowed down by speeding tank and tank reversed over corpse by “accident” several times

E) Firing squad firing at point blank (choose gun of your choice)

F) Decapitation (with butter knife, plastic birthday cake knife, tea spoon or dessert fork)

G) Dismemberment (5 horse dismemberment, giant squid dismemberment, 5 cars dismemberment, 5 victim dismemberment, self dismemberment with a penknife

H) Electrocution (light up like a Christmas tree)

I) Drowning (in debts and bills, sewage water, rainwater, drain water, saliva, dishwater, contaminated water, stagnant water, tonic water, toxic water or distilled water)

J) Stuffed into a torpedo launch tube and fired at Mount Ro with maximum force

K) Packed into a nuclear missile with 5000kg of nitro glycerin and fired at the HQ of Al Thosai Terrorist Corporation Inter-dimensional (explosion can be seen from the Butterfly Nebula).

L) Locked in a shed loaded with :

- Firecrackers

- Barrels of gunpowder

- Tanks of leaking methane gas

- Dynamites


- Military grade nitro glycerin

- Nuclear missiles

M) Locked in a bigger shed with all of the above incendiaries

Note: please press the detonator from a safe distance. Hang Ten Inc. will not be responsible for any loss of limb, body parts, sanity, bodily functions or life. Explosion will result in a crater as big as the moon.

5. Mutabak Executions

A) Dissected alive by scalpel-wielding toddlers at Woodbridge Childcare

B) Experimented on by Immortal SSW

C) Sent to Royal Urban University of Mutabak/ Allopia Spy School/ Unknown University as live specimen for Practical Execution module.

D) Tortured to insanity then death by royal canine, Whiskey

E) Used by Duck Medium or High Summoner Uban Geek as a human sacrifice to calm/bribe the Mutabakian deities.

F) Forced to watch Sadako’s cursed tape for 24h

G) Thrown into Kayako’s cursed home

H) Forced to take a swim in water tank with Mitsuko

I) Forced to carry Natre until spine and neck snap

J) Force fed with unrefined Duck Matter

K) Berated into suicide by combined naggings of Queen Cheaporella and Queen Mutabak

Reported by: Urban Geek and Duck Medium