Sunday, December 27, 2009
Freaktopia - The Freaktopian Minister of Defence Mr Kana Sai today announced the establishment of a mercenery army, the National Cadet Corpse. The army of undead soldiers will provide a range of services from assault to espionage - you name it, they do it. These indestructible forces would certainly prove to be a deterrent to any terrorist groups, such as the Al Thosai group, intending to bomb the cities of Freaktopia with their repulsive Curry bombs and Eggplant Missiles.
Each soldier is carefully selected from the Freaktockseng Hospital Mortuary, through a series of tests and interviews (through spiritual communication) that sieves out only the elites among the myriad of rotting corpses. The selected corpses are then genetically injected with the breakthrough and newly-patented Immortal SSW's Immortality Genes that tranform the corpses into animate beings.
These undead soldiers are then put through 10 years of rigorous training and conditioning where they are force-fed 1 kg of Duck Matter daily. The Duck Matter is a special concoction of revolting Heavenly Herbs, Essence of the Holy Duck Medium and a strand of Sadako Hair. This dreadful mixture can endow a person with powerful strength and supernatural abilities (differs from person to person). However, the Duck Matter can only be consumed by the non-living things. Any living person that tries to consume it will see his/her driving licence revoked.
After 10 years, these soldiers would be ready to serve in the prestigious National Cadet Corpse where they would receive fat monthly salaries of $100 billion (hell money).
To engage the NCC's services, please call 1900-999-9999.
Service charge: $1 billion per hour
“Of course it will retain its triple chins! If not, how are the inhabitants going to recognise that organism?” commented Princess Mutabak, who was corresponding with the Duck Medium via Spirit Mail from her royal bathroom.
But to make matters worse for the Duck Medium, he saw the Leech with Mother Leech, causing the Medium to come to the morbid decision of having to wash his eyes in a noxious mixture of holy water mixed with Dettol, including a toxic infusion of liquefied SSW Immortal Pill.
In a desperate attempt to contain the epidemic (that will inevitably arise as any ordinary living thing which comes into contact with The Leech will become infected and become a miniature, but nonetheless, as dangerous as the original), the Freaktopian Government declared a state quarantine of the infected inhabitants. If the quarantined people show signs of leech-transformation, they will immediately be exported to the TFM sect by DHL’s express post.
Both the Duck Medium and Princess Mutabak agreed that the weight loss of The Leech is most probably due to it being either unable to find anyone to sponge off or it has finally run out of money (obtained from selling its spawn to some unfortunate childless couple) to continue its diet of Four Leaves bread.
Immortal SSW expressed an interest in capturing The Leech and subjecting it to his most demented experiments, with the assistance of the Duck Medium, to obtain more valuable data on this sinful and detested organism.
As soon as the Ministry of Demented Experiments and Research (MODER) approve the study, the Royal Mutabak Kingdom is willing to fund the Immortal SSW’s research. Interested members of the public can view the experiment live at Mount Pra University, Dangerous Biological Experiments Block F, Basement 49. Entrance is free. Watch at the risk of your own sanity.
Kaneena Kana reporting from Mutabak-Bak, Mutabak Kingdom – Freaktopia
Monday, December 21, 2009
“We suspect very foul play as the Royal Mutabak envoy was found to be fried in a pirated Tefal non-stick frying pan with Axe-brand medicated oil to induce extreme suffering during the cooking process,” said a police spokesperson at a press conference this morning in a conference closet at the Royal Mutabakian Police Complex.
The Princess of Mutabak, who suspected either the Al Thosai Organisation or the sinfully unappetising Dhal Kingdom was behind this merciless culinary act, declared a state of emergency and activated the kingdom’s entire military force to hunt down and decimate the perpetrator.
“If the gods in heaven have eyes, may they strike down the evil asshole with lightning and flood the Dhal Kingdom with ultra-spicy curry rain!” exclaimed the highly-emotional and hyperventilating Princess at her royal address to the citizens of Mutabak Kingdom last evening.
Reported by: Kani Nabei
Sunday, December 20, 2009
The Mutabak Studies, comprising of Mutabaklish, Mutabak’s Anatomy and Indian Cuisine Sociology, will equip Allopians with the necessary skills and knowledge to protect the Holy Royal Mutabak Kingdom and the precious natural resources of the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations (UEICN): raw QBB Ghee. For graduate students, the subjects available are: Practical Sauce Research, Chemical and Biological Ghee Engineering, AeroSauce Engineering and Theological Mutabak philosophy. The National University of Royal Urban Mutabak (NURUM), an accredited affiliated partner of Allopia Spy School, is offering Curryology, Forensic Prataology, Medical Filling-o-logy, Cuisine Law and Management in Catastrophic Fairy Tale.
With a variety of new subjects available, students at Allopia Spy School can look forward to days where they will be studying till they grow mould and collect dust. “By equipping our students with crucial Mutabak and Indian Cuisine knowledge and practical hands-on, the Mutabak Kingdom and the UEICN will become a formidable force to be reckoned with,” declared a crispy and oily Royal Mutabak Kingdom envoy.
-a special report by Kaypoberry and Duck Medium
Mr Ng: “Hey, I heard of Oxy's foot, so I thought that i will send someone to help you guys out. Right in our cockpit, a bluish coloured portal appeared right inside of our cockpit. A dark-skinned girl appeared in front of us saying, “Hello nice to meet you, my name is Leena.” Mr Ng: “This is your new teammate for this mission. If there are no other issues to discuss, I am signing off.”
The monitor image disappeared to a click and the status screen chimed “Autopilot landing sequence” completed. After exchanging pleasantries with Leena we promptly decided Serena & I will go to explore the ocean while Oxy and Leena will stay in the ship as Oxy have not recovered sufficiently enough for the fieldwork. The air was 16% oxygen. As a result we had to take breathfuls of oxygen from our oxygen tanks. Without them, we will go into a coma. Also this time around, Serena and I decided to make the creatures come to us instead of us looking for them. Looking for a bait was easy-- nothing much have changed since the Cambrian and the shoreline was still littered with animal remains washed up from the sea. Trilobites and other bits and pieces of exoskeleton were jumbled in one smelly mess. We selected a small jawless fish. We put on our diving suits and waded into a shallow lagoon. Spearing the bait, I waved it in the shallow water, staining the water red. Serena monitored an underwater camera so that if something arrives, we will know about it.
Suddenly when I was holding a harpoon, I felt something tugging it. I quickly looked through my goggles and tried to investigate what could be causing the tugging. I looked down and saw a sea scorpion. Having just eaten the fish bait, waving its spines and claws, it was not too happy about being disturbed. It had a scorpion-like body and curled up its tail into a threat pose. I was forced to let go of it into the water and it cut my left leg with its claws. Reddish- blood stained the water. Serena got the action on camera
On the beach, the cut was still oozing blood. It was very deep. I applied antiseptic on the wound. Serena & I discussed what to do next. I suggested that we try look for something bigger. But the day passed by quicker than usual and evening fell quickly. The 21 hour days have disrupted our body clocks.
The next day after a hearty breakfast of kaya bread and eggs, Serena and I went to the beach again. We were very jovial and wondered with excitement at what we could find. But we had to find much bigger bait. We saw a large dead trilobite half buried in sand and we found it useful enough for the job. I removed the eyes and installed a miniature camera in place. It is connected to a monitor where we can see whether creature would like to take a free lunch. Wearing a chain mail suit to protect us against those pesky sea scorpions, we took our motor boat to a deeper portion of the lagoon. We laid our bait into the water and after that---- a long afternoon of waiting. We had a picnic, played our PSPs and chatted about the English Premier League.
Suddenly the rope became taut. I tried to pull the rope, but I seemed tuck to a much larger animal than a sea scorpion. Serena inspected the monitor footage. It showed an animal swimming through the water and using its tentacles it grasped the camera and bought it closer to its horny beak. The last image shown was one of the horny beaks before the footage ended. Serena remarked: “The creature is not going to stick around. Hurry we must dive!”Quickly we put on our breathing apparatus and dived into the water.
The rope formed a trail in the open sea. Serena pointed out that “If we follow the trail, it may lead us to the creature!” We followed the rope. The denizens of the Ordovician sea became apparent to us. Primitive jawless fish swam by us. Stalked trilobites peeked out of the sea bottom. Crinoids drifted in the water with their tentacles absorbing any food they can find. An army of sea scorpions were swimming in one direction. There was no apparent reason for this behaviour.
Suddenly, the rope ended. The bait seems to have been bitten off and the rope seemed to be frayed. We saw our target nearby. An Orthocone appeared. As long as 2 buses, it was big enough to be the creature that took the bait. Its shell was long and straight. Drifting in the water column, it grabbed an unsuspecting sea scorpion with its deadly tentacles. The sea scorpion struggled fully and the orthocone crushed its exoskeleton with an audible crunch.” I would hate to be caught by this creature”, Serena commented. No sooner she said that that the orthocone moved towards her, thinking that Serena would make a nice main course. I quckly shone a flashlight into its eyes hoping to distract it. It got deterred and retreated. Whew!!
Curious about the retreating orthocone, we wanted to see where it would go. Serena: “Hey let us grab the shell and swim with it!!!” Excitingly, we grabbed the tip of its shell and held onto it until the water got black. We realized that the orthocone was going into deeper water and we let go of it reluctantly. Swimming with the orthocone was an exhilarating experience. We are on our way back to shore with our boat when we saw the shoreline. The shoreline was full of sea scorpions mating --- that is where was the sea-scorpions was going. Disembarking from our boat, we quickly charged through the scorpion wall, clearing the way by handling the thrashing scorpions and throwing them aside. Night fell by the time we finished. Obviously, the Ordovician was no picnic--- you just cannot go anywhere without oxygen suits and you can't go into the water without a chain mail suit--- that doesn't sound like a very good place to take a time travel holiday.
Serena, Leena, Oxy & I discussed our findings over hot chocolate and marshmallows. We all agreed that have collected enough footage and we could all move on. Oxy’s foot was getting better. We went to Chrono's cockpit and after take-off procedures, and orange portal materialized and we continued our voyage in geological time.
Chrono appeared in the sky. The Earth has changed dramatically as we advanced forward 30 million years in time. As we noticed from our still airborne spaceship, the land has turned green in some spots. Our landing spot was chosen at a site not far from a shallow sea. Our chronometer read:” Silurian Period, 420 MYA”. We walked out of Chrono. Growing near the sea was clumps of Cooksonia, one of the first plants. Only a few centimetres tall and they had simple green stalks that kept branching in to two. These branches ended in black round spores. Occasionally though, we saw white pillar-like structures alongside the Cooksonia. Oxy went to touch one of the pillars and when she touched it, a cloud of spores was released. She sneezed in irritation.
The Brontoscorpio was enjoying its lunch of fish when suddenly it disappeared into a cloud of dust. When the dust settled, a Pterygotus was holding the Brontoscorpio with its pincers. Brontoscorpio had no chance against its much larger rival. It got ripped apart into pieces without its bits or armour settling down the sea floor. We felt that we were lucky that we did not stand over the sport where the Brontoscorpio was as the Pterygotus could make a really big lunch from us
Another Pterygotus appeared. It swam with its paddles toward the first one. The former brandished its pincers to scare off the first animal. It seemed to want the fish that the first animal had. The two animals sized each other up and started the fight. I held the camera to film the fight. Using their pincers as weapons, they started to try to injure each other. They used their tails to manover themselves in the water. However, the turning point came when the 1st Pterygotus used its pincers to inflect a nasty looking gash in its rivals armour. The latter finally decided not to push the issue and quickly retreated, its greenish blood oozing into the water from its wound. The winner proceeded to tuck in its meal.
Night was falling and we decided to return to Chrono. We swam back towards the shore. On the shore, the sun was setting, turning the sky red. A Brontoscorpio was lying on the shoreline. It has just moulted and was not to willing to be disturbed. Its ghostly white old skin lay not too far from it. We did not think anything about it until we heard Oxy’s cries of distress.
Oxy was lying on the sand, clutching her left calf with her hands, crying out in pain, with the Brontoscorpio nearby walking away from her. As soon as possible, we rushed to her side. There was a reddish swelling on her left calf. Sobbing, she said: “It stung me here,”-pointing to her calf- “and it hurts very badly.” We carried her to Chrono. I got out the first-aid kit, took out the antivenin and injected into her arm using a syringe. Using the same syringe; I injected morphine into her arm well. She said,” Ouch, Sinwei, how much did you give me?” I replied.” 5ml, I am going to clean your wound and you are not going to like it when I do” I saw her still swollen leg and removed the stinger, still embedded inside her calf. Serean and Leena watched with interest my medical skills.
The next day, morning broke. We were in our cockpit to move 40 million years further to the future, with Serena, Leena and I operating Chrono. Oxy limped into the cockpit, wincing in pain as she goes. Leena asked her how she was and the latter replied:” Fine, Thank you very much” We activated the time portal and Chrono entered it....
Reported by: Immortal SSW
Thursday, December 10, 2009
That impossible Queen Murtabak accused the well-loved Princess Murtabak of not helping to counsel her royal puree sibling. On one occasion, the Queen threw plates, in a failed attempt to smash the stuffings out of Princess Murtabak, causing her to flee the palace and join the Duck Medium in refuge at Siow Plaza.
Sizzling with rage, the Princess Murtabak craved for curry to be spilled and hence, declared war on the Dhal Kingdom (which is suspected to be harbouring the notorious Al Thosai Organization).
With Obliteration in mind, the princess mustered all of the military might of the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nation to decimate every single dhal particle of the wicked Earl Dhal with the newly-invented Rendang Missile and Asam Pedas Bomb.
Reported by: Kaypoberry
Saturday, December 5, 2009
It is in the year 2050. Time travel is now a reality. Since the 20th Century, physicists have thought about the idea in theory. It was a breakthrough when it became a reality in 2020. No longer mankind were chained to the present; mankind can now go forward and backward in time as we please. Gradually, a whole new industry has grown where a career in there is considered lucrative. Just like the life sciences industry a few decades ago, quite a lot of people jumped in the band wagon for profits and interests. I joined because of the interest as since young, I have a dream to go back in time to see prehistoric life in the flesh. Hoping to make my dreams can be fulfilled, after majoring in a triple degree in General Science; I pursued a career as a time traveller.
One day, Mr Sam Ng, our supervisor walked to our office. Friendlily, he said, “I have a mission for you guys and I am going to give you a briefing about it in 15 minutes. Call your teammates to go to briefing room. Hopefully your teammates have not gone AWOL to go to the shopping centre.” He laughed jokingly. I have two teammates, Serena and Oxy, and we have been friends since our school days. Both girls are friendly, have a pleasant disposition and are a joy to work with.
We were briefed by Mr Ng that a team of palaeontologists will pay handsomely for photos and videos of prehistoric life for their research. He handed is a long sheet of paper entitled “Mission Aims”. Basically, we need to go back into time to a lot of time periods and get the footage on site. Naturally, I was very thrilled but the look on Serena and Oxy’s faces probably showed that images of being in a T-Rex’s stomach. Sure I admit that this mission does have its hazards. But it is our job after all.
Firstly, it is time to hit the books. In this case, we have to read up a lot of sciences like geology, chemistry and biology. You may be tempted to think that being a time traveller is just a brainless job with lots of action only. Sometimes, to complete our missions successfully, knowledge of a lot of disciplines like science and history is essential. For example, on a previous time trip to Emperor Constantine’s Roman Empire, I almost got executed for nose-picking in public. On that occasion, I forgot my homework. Luckily for us, we have a personal library for this purpose and we make use of it very often. But I brought some references for my use during the mission.
As for our equipment, we have the following:
Food: Freeze Dried Meals, Canned and Dried Food
Drinks: Bottled water (50 L) of course---and also water produced as a by-product of the hydrogen fuel cell in our ship.
Gadgets: An all-terrain jeep to transverse through the prehistoric world, especially on open spaces. We also have an electronic handheld encyclopaedia for on-the -spot identification of the prehistoric organisms we see. We also have a medical kit for treating injuries. Hopefully it will never get used. It contains items like bandages, anti-pyretic, and life support equipment.
Weapons: Just in case things get too hair-raising, we do have an arsenal of weaponry. Some of them are an electron gun for stunning dangerous animals, an electric prod for aquatic use and a “repellent apparatus “. This “repellent apparatus “basically attaches to our Adventure Suit and is connected to a canister of chemical repellents like putrescine. Putrescine has the odour of rotting reptile flesh and will repel any creature that tries to get to close to us.
Adventure Suit: Composed of conductive polymers, it comprises of a metallic-coloured jacket and trousers, gloves and black knee-high boots. Underneath it lays aluminium-titanium armour for light and strong protection. For aquatic use, we also have a diving suit with oxygen tanks attached.
The day for our expedition has arrived. We were heading for our time shuttle, Chrono. Berthed at the time dock, she is metallic coloured and resembles a space shuttle. She is well equipped for our needs and she would be a second home and base camp for our mission. It has all kinds of functions and scientific equipment. We entered the cockpit with its multitude of knobs and switches. After entering the space-time coordinates using the touch screen, a multi-chromatic screen appeared in front of us. Engines are fired up as the ship accelerates and enters the portal.
Chapter 1: The Cambrian Explosion and its Curious Critters
But there was no doubting our ship’s onboard chronometer. On the screen appeared the words” CAMBRIAN PERIOD 550 MYA, Earth, Canada”. I calmly pointed out this piece of evidence that we have reached the prehistoric past. Following that, I activated the on-board air sampler and analysed its composition using our gas chromatographer .The air contained 15% oxygen. I selected a landing spot near a beach just beside a mountain top. Chrono landed softly. We quickly wore our diving suits –with oxygen tanks and repellent apparatus.
Even before we could get wet, we have to deal with the stench of rotting flesh on the strandline. The sea have washed up dead & decaying bodies on the beach. Due to the absence of scavengers on land, the bodies just decompose. Despite the fact we had our diving masks on, the smell left us feeling nauseous. We entered the water.
The reef was on top of a limestone shelf and we soon find ourselves standing at the muddy sea bottom. Freakish arthropods swam above us. Jellyfish just like 21st Century oceans drifted lazily. Trilobites and worm-like animals burrowed at our feet.
Above: The Cambrian Ocean as we visited it
Suddenly a Pikaia appeared. It was purple and was segmented. Swimming above the sea floor using its body and expanded tail fin, it moves like an eel. It seems to be a filter feeder. We were probably the first person to seethe ancestor of the vertebrates.
Opabinia did not notice a large animal coming from behind. It failed to escape in time and was eaten by an Anomalocaris. Two large eyes adorned the latter’s head. It used its large “arms” with barbed spikes to grab its prey and brought it to its disk-shaped mouth, swimming using its flexible lobes. Crunched! As the pineapple-slice mouth made short work of the Opabinia. As the Anomalocaris was 2 metres long, the Opabinia was simply outclassed. However, the sight of such a large animal adorned with mean looking spikes is enough to make Oxy brandish her electric prod. I asked why she did that and she replied, “I’m so scared, what if it eats me up?” But the Anomalocaris ignored us and ate its lunch. The rest of the group of Marrella have already escaped.Srena exclaimed: “Look out everyone! There is another one! “
A second individual has appeared. The first one ceased to eat and swam with its flexible lobes to face the intruder. After sizing up one another, they fought to the death. They swam, tussled and rolled in the water, using their vicious “arms” as weapons. The fight lasted quite a while before the first individual, using its “arm”, sliced the body of its adversary. Bits of exoskeleton sank to the sea bed, revealing a wound with the insides exposed. Another blow sliced the enemy’s body into two portions. The carcass sank to the sea floor, where worms quickly made short work of the carcass. We were so held on awe by the sight until we realized Oxy was missing. ”Hey, did you see her?” I asked, taking the parade state. Serena replied,” I really don’t know!! Where could she have gone?”
Just as we thought Oxy was MIA, we heard “AHHHHHHHHHHH!!” From behind us,we turned back and saw Oxy on the sea floor clutching her foot. We quickly rushed up out of concern for our teammate. She pointed to her foot and said, “I think I stepped on something and now my foot hurts really badly” I looked at her foot and foot and saw a spike embedded in her boot with reddish blood oozing out. I saw the Wiwaxia just nearby crawling on the sea floor. It has a pineapple-like body with spines sticking out of its body in 2 rows. She probably stepped on it by accident. I helped her pull the spike out of her foot carefully. We helped her and acted as her crunches
Just as we were about to return to the ship, Serena and I saw something. There was a mudslide down the seafloor, threatening to wash us into the abyss quickly into a watery grave. Already some of the animals are the victims of this catastrophe. Serena said frightfully,” We are all going to die!!” I suggested,” Maybe we should go on the surface of the water.” We swam to the surface and went back to the beach we set off from. As we reached the beach, Serena said with a sigh of relief “Whew we finally made it!!”
Upon reaching our ship, we carried Oxy into a bed. Serena brought the medical kit. I cleaned the puncture wound with potassium manganate(VII) and bandaged. I injected her with a jab and she quickly nodded off. She probably had a bad day. That next morning, she woke up and said gratefully to Serena and said gratefully to Serena and me, “Thank you very much for saving my life. I own you guys one.” Serena and I replied:” Hey, we are teammates after all.”
Serena and I looked through our footage. We had 8 hours of video and 150 photos. The Cambrian leg of our mission had been a success. We went to the dock and I pressed another set of space-time coordinates. A crimson time-portal appeared and we entered it....
TO BE CONTINUED
Trailer for the next episode....
Scene 2: I tussling with the sea scorpions
Scene 3: Serena & I with a shelled squid-like animal
Scene 4: Shoal of small, jawless fishes with me in the muck.
Watch the next episode of “prehistory : a trip through time”
Thursday, November 26, 2009
President of Un-united States of America
Pay: any amount
Working Hours: optional
Mortality Rate: 200%
Requirement: must be above 90 years old and plagued with life-threatening ailments such as acute heart failure or terminal cancer. Applicant must know nuts about governance. Being easily provoked into igniting world wars is an advantage.
Job Description: Fearing assassins dispatched from Allopia Spy School. Involving in scandals such as being in an affair in the Black House’s Polygon Office to give the media more scoops. Wasting taxpayers’ money on meaningless wars and expenses, increasing taxes for no reason and introducing unnecessary rules and regulations to make life hell for the citizens. Will need to work overtime occasionally to scheme nuclear wars and disbanding the Very United Nations.
Pay: $10Million Hellnotes
Working Hours: Haunting Hours
Mortality Rate: 100%
Requirement: Must be a fan of Sadako and have watched The Ring and all of it sequels at least 20 times without being frightened to death
Job Description: helping Sadako in her Well-Crawling exercises. Organizing meet-the-fans sessions and arranging funerals when they all drop dead 1 week later. Assisting Sadako in calling up those who watched her cursed tape and arranging visa when Hungry Ghost month approaches. During the 7th lunar month, assistant is to help in propagating the spread and viewership of the cursed video tape. Lastly, job will include throwing Sadako back into the well if she refuses to go back after killing the victim or she decided to extend her stay on Freaktopia.
Silent Hill Heights
Location: Really Silent Hill, NE continent of Freaktopia
Address: somewhere in Silent Hill (need to pass through the mirror to access)
Description: Silent Hill Heights is the most ideal home for anyone seeking peace and quiet. Located in the friendly neighborhood littered with killer nurses and straitjackets prowling the streets, demonic possessed crows aiming for your eyes and jagular and having Pyramid Head and The Butcher for neighbors, what else can one ask for at Really Silent Hill?
Just a stone throw away from Silent Hill Heights is the Sanctuary where the demented old bats burnt poor Alessa to a wonderful crisp, but got themselves skewered when she summoned some hellspawn to do the dirty job for her. Charming isn’t it? But that’s not all, as the Alchemilla Hospital is 50 blocks away where the only treatments available are amputations and random organ removal.
Life at Silent Hill is full mortality as every now and then, you find yourself being plunged into the Normal World of Silent Hill where peace and tranquility will simply reduce one to a blithering idiot as fresh air and happiness are corrosive and lethal toxins to the deranged inhabitants of Silent Hill.
Buy now, move in and start your one-way sojourn to the Other Realm!
Afraid of losing your bag? Ladies, worry not! For the Mimiko bag is the fashion of this decaying season of Christmas. Made of cheap leather that is pained with ICI Dulux red paint and then a thick and generous layer of expired red lip gloss is painstaking applied by the manufacturer’s lips to give the Mimiko Bag its glossy and feel and look. The Mimiko Bag is one that will never separate itself from its owner, as it will always mysteriously appear out of nowhere despite being left behind, thrown away or incinerated.
With the Bottomless Pit technology incorporated into the crafting of the Mimiko Bag, it can accommodate anything from makeup kits to disposed husbands, tampons to emergency condoms (applicable to sluts, mamasans and Stephanie) and still weigh as light as feather. Of course, the bag comes with an additional function which will make girls squeal with absolute delight; the Recycle Bin. Using a Manicure Pen (a PDA pen which is designed as a jewel-encrusted fake nail), or Lip Stick (another PDA pen in the shape of a lipstick and is also a lipstick), the gal can access the main menu of the Mimiko Bag and select which items to trash.
Price: $80Billion (exclusive of 34598% tax on leather, 7% GST and $3Trillion for shipping and handling expenses)
Limited stock: 1 (one haunted bag is enough, can’t have too many as it infringed the immigration laws of the Other Realm)
Terms and Conditions: present your Meng Mei congee receipt to enjoy 1¢ off.
Reported by: Duck Medium
However, several terrorists from the Al Thosai organization tried to kidnap Kaypoberry, but only to find themselves being arrested and mercifully sent into exile by the sadistic Princess Mutabak (who was in a foul mood due to period cramps) to the Pit of Stephanie where they will be leeched into poverty and endless debts by The Stephanie, a fate certainly 1000 times worse than being cooked in boiling Chinese 8-treasure Chili Sauce and smothered by masala.
At the summit of Mount Pra, the holy Immortal SSW gave His blessings to the Mutabak Kingdom and after which, stepped into his time machine to travel back in time to look for his dinosaur buddies for a roaring contest held at Palaeonto-Land, organised by SW-II International. With the sanctification of the Mutabak land, the kingdom will enjoy crispiness, oiliness and spiciness for another 1 hour before it is plagued with the never-ending headache of terrorising Thosais, eloping naans, murderous Pratas and Nasi Lemaks trying to enter the kingdom illegally to spread the gospel of sambal belacan.
Reported by Duck Medium
Saturday, November 21, 2009
The first terrorist attack began on 4th February, 5000 B.C. when the Princess of Murtabak was having her bath. The hopelessly moronic terrorists entered the palace by strolling across the palace desert (which was imported from Africa‘s Sahara Desert) and getting themselves blown into bite-sized bits by the Chinese 8-treasure Chili Sauce CCS-84 landmines, despite the warning sign that says ―Keep Out—Danger! Beware of land-mines!
The second attack took place one minute later where eleven thosai terrorists foolishly, but nonetheless admired by all of our bloodthirsty and thosai-hungry readers for their bravery, entered the palace through the front gate when a state-of-the-art latest model of the Murta-fighter plane XXX-01 dropped the latest invented Salsa and Thousand Chilli Sauce hydrogen bomb on the nano-sided brained invaders, burning them to an unrecognizable crisp of thosai slein.
The terrorist attacks left no dead murtabaks. However the cost of the counterattack is substantial as it reduced the entire palace to subatomic particles except the toilet in which the Princess was hiding in. This incident sparked great fury in the Princess of Murtabak who swore that she would tear King Thosai apart and dipped the pieces in chicken curry and swallow them.
Further updates might not be available as our reporter Mr Panama Pani and his crew had perished in the chili bomb blast. However, Kaypo readers do not despair, for FreaksTimes will sent our Kaypoberry Snooper SDU to fry out more news.
Reported by Duck Medium
The ‘miracle water’ which popular actress/singer Sammee Cheng swears by has finally arrived here in Freaktopia, and it has whipped up the whole female population of the Freaktopia into a crazy frenzy when it was officially launched on Christmas Day. Flocks of women rushed to buy bottles of SW II which is only available every 10 years. Read on to find out more about SW II!
SW-II is the precious essence obtained from the legendary Immortal SSW and it boasts numerous fantastic beauty-enhancing benefits. Every 10 years Immortal SSW takes a bath in the Primordial River of Sewage on Mount Pra and 10 SW-II Company workers will go on a pilgrimage to the magnificent Mount Pra, pray to Immortal SSW for permission to harvest the enhanced river water, which is then packed into bottles right there and then, promising maximum freshness.
Benefits of SW II
- Remove all wrinkles upon application
- Gets rid of all scars—no more moon crater skin!
- Magically makes all pimples vanish without a trace, once and for all!
- Lightens skin tone up to 100 times. Warning—fair people shouldn't use this unless you wish to have skin as white as liquid paper
- Coagulate all the oil on your skin which you can collect and use as cooking oil if you wish
- Minimizes your pores until they are 1 nanometer in
- diameter each
- Makes your face glow—even in the dark!
Reported by Urban Geek
Friday, November 20, 2009
Pay: $3000 per month
Working Hours: Irregular
Mortality Rate: 90%
Requirements: Must have failed PSLE 3 times. Police record for child abuse will be an additional advantage. Applicant MUST enjoy dishing out expulsions, threats, detentions and capital punishments for no reason.
Job Description: work in an enclosure that is teeming with madness and chaos. Face the endless challenge of chasing after homework that is completed in invisible ink and lying to parents and the education ministry on a daily basis for students who turn up ‘mysteriously’ permanently incapacitated, missing or dead.
Pay: $50 per hour (addition of $100 for each teacher who died, quit or sacked)
Working Hours: 7.30am – 2.30pm
Mortality Rate: 80%
Requirements: applicants must be hopelessly stupid and do not know ABC and 123. Applicants of any age are eligible to apply. MUST be a chronic delinquent.
Job Description: break as many school rules and land into trouble as if there is no tomorrow. Job also includes driving teachers, parents and fellow students to their premature unemployment or expiry. Must complete assignments such as ‘causing the downfall of the education ministry’ or ‘razing the school to the ground’ in order to graduate.
Pay: $2 annually
Working Hours: extremely flexible
Requirements: Must know Do-Re-Mi and have played on a toy music set before.
Job Description: play horrible music to spoil the day for people and destroy a romantic ambience with funeral music. Job includes risks such as alley bashings and murder. Musicians are subjected to health risks such as exploded eardrums, broken fingers, insanity and delirium.
Pay: $100000 (basic) + customer tips + commission
Working Hours: duration of Happy Hour
Requirements: applicant must have Degree in Practical Seduction (Honors). Runaway priestesses from the TFM sect are also welcome. Diploma holders in Social Leeching or Slut Studies will be considered on a case-by-case basis. Training will be provided for newbies.
Job Description: cheating D.O.M (Dirty Old Men) out of their retirement money. Rip huge holes in the pockets of poor executives by whining for new jewelry, clothes, bags, shoes, cosmetics and plastic surgery. Seduce faithful husbands and destroy their happy marriages. Infect as many as possible with AIDS, Gonorrhea, syphilis and Herpes.
Pay: depend on the drug deal
Working hours: flexible and irregular
Requirements: Have played Drug Lord before. Must be incapable of differentiating ecstasy from Panadol pills and must have been arrested for at least 15 occasions by the Interpol. Drug addicts and prison inmates are eligible to apply.
Job Description: sampling drugs every day until you froth at the mouth. Giving orders to lackeys to carry out drug deals, interceptions and freeing other imprisoned mates from jail by bribing or killing the officers on duty. Basically live and behave like a mafia boss. An extremely fulfilling career for those who want to spread the joy and benefits of drug addictions to innocent kids and the entire world.
Address: Kayako Street, 666th avenue, Kayako Apartments, #66-666
Description: an absolutely delightful little apartment with a history of a jealous husband breaking the neck of his infidel wife, murdering his son and slaughtering the pet black cat. Located on the 66th floor, you will enjoy a breeze of badly-polluted air from the nearby crematorium and incineration plant, together with a 100% death if you fall off while cleaning your windows or bring the laundry out to dry. With a high residential turnover of 99% everyday arising from exploding houses to bathtub drownings, your stay will always keep you healthily paranoid and spooked, for life will never be the same again. Here at Kayako Apartments, you will never be alone as the spirit of Kayako will always be with you, every time, everywhere. Amen.
(next issue will feature Haunted Mansion and awesome properties from Silent Hill, so do continue to subscribe to the Freakstimes)
Mysterious Cassette Tape
This mysterious cassette tape is a documentary featuring a well and a woman crawling out of the well painfully at a snail-pace. But somehow, none of the previous owners are able to survive for more than a week after watching the tape. Copies in VCD and DVD are out in all major video rental shops. Grab one today!
Cost: $18.99-VCD, $56.00-DVD, $10-pirated version
Note: death is guaranteed regardless of which version you purchase and watch. Video is rated G by the Media Disaster Authority of Freaktopia.
Essence of Stephanie
The essence of Stephanie is obtained by roasting Stephanie lowly over the fire until the sweat and oil are secreted in great volumes. The fluids are then mixed with leech, vampire bats, mosquitoes, TFM acid, nail varnish and liquefied aborted babies via titration, and then the pure essence is obtained via distillation using the SSW Immortal Fractionating Column™ and True Samadhi Fire™ (stolen from the Immortal’s lab). This rare Essence of Stephanie will grant the user the characteristic, looks and figure of the Stephanie, as well as the legendary leeching ability that nearly sucked the Princess Mutabak into irrecoverable poverty.
Cost: $9999999999999999999999 (exclusive of 3000%GST and additional costs)
Terms and Condition: customer must present TFM sect membership card.
Warning: Freaktopia have banned the production, sale and use of the product. Violation of the rules will result in execution and clan extermination. All implicated parties will be decimated in the process.
Reported by Duck Medium
Saturday, November 14, 2009
"Hell hath no fury like a (female ghost) scorned"
Fans of horror movies unite! Here’s a special article featuring our favourite horror queens...
Just what is it about these horror movies that attracts us to watch it whenever it is released in cinemas, despite half the time we have our eyes and ears covered in the movie theatre? Perhaps it’s the lure of the long-haired female ghost clad in a long white shapeless dress; the central key figure that appears in all Asian movies that classifies itself under the horror genre, whether it be Japanese, Korean, Thai, or even Hollywood remakes. She’s hardly a femme fatale (attractive she is not...), but still highly seductive in a paranormal sense, and she’s very, very dangerous.
This iconic character has undergone little modifications in appearance since its first appearance in The Ring in the mid-1990s, with her familiar, long, black and unkempt hair covering her face, her long white hospital surgery robe, her pale or grey skin and bony fingers wth gross fingernails reaching out to grab people. And her huge bloodshot eyes...URGH! Not to forget the trademark creaky sound from Kayako in Ju-on. Now, this lady is everywhere...as long as it’s a horror movie, you’re very likely to see her. She has even made it to Hollywood! This amazing scary lady certainly commands our respect and awe.
Japanese director Hideo Nakata brought the eerie ghost story to the screen in his gothic horror mystery "Ringu," which was released in January 1998. It quickly became a phenomenon, spawning the most successful horror film franchise in the history of the Japanese cinema, as well as a television series and Manga.
Soon after the release of "Ringu," a whole new genre of Japanese films emerged -psycho-horror, or J-horror as it's often called-which exploded into Japan's multiplexes. Whether or not it had its origins in an urban legend, "Ringu" resulted in one that transfixed readers and moviegoers alike in Japan and much of Southeast Asia, and would soon capture the attention of people on the other side of the world.
the ultimate Horror Queen candidates!
Movie : The Ring
Name : Sadako
Age of death : 20 + (?)
Murdered by : her mother
Why she was murdered : everyone feared her extraordinary powers to kill just by using her mind power, then her mum decided to kill her with her own hands
How she died : stuck in a well for years
Why she wants to kill : hatred
Method of killing : passing on the curse via an unlabeled video-tape, then ringing up the person to tell him/her that he/she has only 7 days more to live. Then once the time is up, the TV will turn on by itself and she’ll climb out of the TV screen to scare the victim to death.
Known as Sadako or ‘zhen zi’, this notorious iconic female ghost first appeared on the big screen in ‘Ringu’ in 1998 and it became a major hit in many countries. It resulted in frequent sleepless nights for many, paranoia among toilet-goers and cassette tape-owners.
The famous hair-raising scene—Sadako climbing out of the well, walking slowly towards the TV screen in a creepy way, and then clambering out of the TV screen from the virtual to the real world, and creeping somemore towards the poor guy (ex-husband of the lead character), and finally issuing the death blow by scaring the life out of the guy with her mispositioned eyeballs through her curtain of straggly hair.
By the way, imagine spending years in a murky well...I bet her hair stank.
Watching TV static in the middle of the night has taken on a whole new eerie sensation. You’ll probably never view an old well in the same way again. You’ll probably feel cautioned against strange video tapes. If so, you’re under the influences of the after-effects of watching The Ring. One difference between The Ring and Ju-on is that the former has a somewhat happy ending. One can become liberated from the curse. But in Ju-on, nothing can remove the curse. It just goes on and on, neverending, possibly ending up wiping out the whole world population just because of the hatred of one housewife murdered by her irate husband due to her infidelity.
Perhaps it would be accurate to call her the ancestor of all forthcoming iconic female ghosts typical of Asian horror movies. Call it an ingenious inspiration on the part of the producer, or perhaps he actually encountered a ghost dressed in that way, what he had created has become a legend in the horror film industry; a universal trademark of asian female ghost for all posterity.
Because of its novelty, Sadako was indeed a terrifying figure when she first appeared on the theatre screen. The idea of incorporating an everyday life object of people (TV) into a horror movie, where it plays a major part in causing terror is perhaps one of the elements which creeps people out for days or weeks after watching it.
Movie : Ju-on series, The Grudge series
Name : Kayako
Age of death : 30 +
Murdered by : her husband
Why she was murdered : her husband read her diary about how she was obsessively infatuated with her son's school teacher and overcome with jealousy, proceeded to murder his wife, his son, and their pet black cat
How she died : her neck broken by her outraged husband
Why she wants to kill : hatred
Method of killing : anyone who visits the haunted house becomes infected with the curse and the inflicted victim passes on the curse like a virus to whoever he/she comes into contact with. Once infected with the curse, the entourage (kayako, her son, and the black cat) will haunt the victim from time to time at all places (bathroom, toilet, window, mirror, bed, classroom, restaurant, hospital etc). If the victim isn’t frightened to death first by these bloodcurdling encounters, kayako will deal the final deathblow by grabbing the victim and transporting her to god-knows-where, leaving no trace. Be warned—she can appear and grab the victim anywhere, anytime.
Nothing can appease her. Nothing can quell her hatred. Nothing can exorcise her.
Trademark : her creaky sound, long black hair with bangs, white sleeveless dress, appears in 2 forms—bloody and non-bloody, walks in a strange contortionist way, has 2 assistants—her son (Toshio) and the cat
The moral of the Ju-on story—never enter a house reputed to be haunted. You may end up infected with a fatal curse, not before frightened out of your wits wherever you go. But this is still not a fool-proof plan...the curse passes on like a virulent virus from victim to victim, even to those innocent ones who never entered the haunted house, as can be seen in the Grudge 2, which demonstrated that the curse can cross international borders from Japan to America.
She needs no reason to kill. Her immense hatred is palpable, but irrational. Did she need to torment and kill those perfectly innocent people who merely stumbled into curse through pure acquaintances? She even involved her otherwise adorable son in her evil deeds. That’s violating a constitutional right. All children should be receiving proper education, not engaging in scaring people. Furthermore, her son is clad only in his underwear in a cold country like Japan. Is that child abuse or what, ghost child or not.
Like Sadako, Kayako has long, black hair which covers her face. But she has better hair style and hair condition than Sadako. Kayako has bangs, and her hair is more smooth (when she’s in her non-bloody version, that is.) She wears a sleeveless white dress and goes barefooted. It seems that wearing shoes lowers the fear factor of ghosts? Perhaps the producer didn’t want us to be distracted by the shoe design or brand. And like Sadako, she walks in a twisted, contorted way that is 100% eerie.
One memorable scene is where Kayakoko creeps under the blanket and made a sinister face at the victim and then grabbing her into her Kayako-world and which left me disturbed for days. The ultimate hair-raising and spine-chilling scene has to be the part where Kayako slowly opens the door and descends the stairs, her face and dress all bloody, slowly approaching the appalled and petrified victim. Totally haunting, I tell you.
In the Japanese version Ju-on, we last saw Kayako reincarnated as the daughter of the actress (Acclaimed as the Horror Queen). Will there be Ju-on 3? I await most eagerly. Yes, I have still not learnt my lesson. Despite suffering sprained fingers after watching every horror movie (coz have to use my index fingers to cover my eyes and thumbs to cover my ears), I am still willing to endure my fore-limb discomfort to enjoy the thrill and chill of horror films.
Movie : Shutter
Name : Natre
Age of death : early 20s
Murdered/killed by : Suicide
Why she was killed : heartbroken and depressed after being gang raped by her boyfriend’s friends and the photos taken by her boyfriend
How she died : see above
Why she wants to kill : nope she didn’t kill the guy. She tormented him. She is more rational than the Japanese ghosts—she only wants to take revenge on the guy and didn’t really harm his current girlfriend
Method of torment : haunts the guy by appearing in polaroids, sitting on the guy’s shoulders, driving him to insanity, killing the guys who raped her
Trademark : long, black hair, wears white shapeless dress, pale grey skin (familiar?)
Another tool for arousing fear—photographs. This movie was inspired by the phenomenon of paranormal appearances of ghost images in photographs. An ingenious stroke of inspiration, no doubt. In my humble opinion, this Thai horror film is more sophisticated than Japanese horror in that it has a tighter storyline and a more rational ghost (with a reason for revenge, and only on the specific victims)
Like all fearsome ghosts, Natre doesn’t speak. She appears in photographs, instilling in the protagonist fear which goes beyond the superficial level to reveal a deeper story within...something shameful he did...which caused Natre’s death and hatred...A good plot aids in raising the fear factor of horror films, because it makes the story more realistic. The movie uses everyday objects as the tool of fear to evoke a greater sense of trepidation as photographs are common in real life, while haunted houses are not, and who uses cassette tapes nowadays?
Natre, like the former 2 Japanese ghosts, sports long black hair, wears a white shapeless dress and has pale ghostly skin. She also has a demented mother who thinks that her daughter’s decayed corpse is in a coma. You will feel sorry for Natre, because she has suffered grave injustice. Her boyfriend could have stopped the jerks from committing the sinful act but instead, he partook in it. He may be hot but this is simply unforgivable.
The series of strange occurrences led his girlfriend to feel doubt about the whole story, and roused her to inestigate for the truth. And Natre led her to the evidences through a stack of mysterious polaroids which she flipped through to reveal a motion sequence of the ghostly image of Natre crawling towards a shelve and reaching onto a box of stuffs (which contains pictures of the rape, if I remember correctly) and that, in my opinion, is truly a brilliant and memorable scene.
Another unforgettable scene is where the guy was in a room when the lights suddenly went out. He took out his lighter and he heard strange noises. With every press of the lighter, the ghost of Natre appeared nearer towards him. And at the final moment of the scene, he pressed the lighter and her face was just inches from him. That would make a terrific idea if you wanna frighten someone during a blackout.
The final twist in the movie is remarkable as well. Who would have thought that Natre was actually sitting on him all the while? The Polaroid in the last part revealing that twist was indeed shocking and an impressive final kick to the whole frightful melodrama. Till the end, Natre did not kill her ex-boyfriend. She continues to sit on him, and be with him forever, as revealed in the door windowpane reflection. Yes, reflections are useful tools in horror films. Just about every horror movie makes use of mirror or window reflections.
I am typing this all alone in my room and it’s getting scary. Paranoia is creeping up on me...
Movie : Dark Water
Name : Mitsuko (?)
Age of death : 5
Murdered by/killed by : nobody. It was an accident.
Why she was killed : she was all alone, neglected by her parents. Carrying her favourite red mimiko bag, she went to the rooftop (of all places!) to play. She saw a huge water vat and climbed up the ladder and looked into the open vat (why wasn’t it closed? To collect rainwater?). Her mimiko bag fell in. She reached out for it but lost her balance and plunged in and drowned.
How she died : Fell into a huge vat of water at the rooftop and drowned, turning into a water ghost.
Why she wants to kill : She craves for a mother’s love, something she never had. Seeing the close relationship between the lead character and her daughter, she probably felt jealous and wanted the mother for herself.
Method of torment : haunting the mother and daughter with her mimiko bag which just keeps appearing nobody how many times the mother threw it away. Trying to drown the little girl. Scaring the little girl at her school during a game of hide-and-seek.
Trademark : red mimiko bag, pale grey skin, long black hair, little white dress, a lot of water wherever she goes
The original Japanese version of Dark Water is a thousand times scarier than the Hollywood version. One reason is that the Mitsuko in the Hollywood one speaks, and secondly, she does not have black hair. The eerie factor of the Hollywood one just wasn’t as good as the Japanese one. There’s something about the dark, rundown and grubby apartment building that contributes a top-notch eerie effect to the story.
Of all places, the mother and daughter (can’t remember their names) had to end up finding accommodation in a unit directly below Mitsuko’s. That is purely bad feng shui. Just move out and perhaps nothing bad would have happened. But circumstances forced the mother to bravely persevere and carry on living in their wretched home. Mitsuko the water ghost was thirsty (pun intended) for mother’s love, and so she compelled the mother to give up her life in exchange for her daughter’s so that the mother could join her in the other realm and be her mother. The mother, who loved her daughter very much, decided to sacrifice herself to save her daughter. I can still remember the finale vividly. The lift closes and goes down. The little girl ran downstairs and saw the lift opening and an avalanche of water poured out of the lift, sweeping her off her feet...and her mother and Mitsuko were gone.
Throughout the movie, we never saw Mitsuko’s face clearly. Her face was always blurry and masked by her long, black hair. Even her picture on the poster announcing her disappearance looked blurred and creepy. But at the last scene, we were given the shock and horror of our lives when her face, grey and rotting and utterly disturbing suddenly appeared on the huge cinema screen and her spine-chilling voice crying out something (mama?) as she grabbed the horrified mother, her grey fingers digging into her neck. Urgh. That’s a cool twist alright. That happened right after the mother saw the door of the haunted unit open, a small girl shuffled out, and the mother hugged the little girl in her arms tightly, thinking that she’s her daughter and that the girl at the door was the water ghost. But it turned out that it’s the other way round! Smart move, I must say. I never expected that then.
Another cool gimmick used in the movie—the red mimiko bag. In Chinese we say that it’s ‘yin hun bu san’. It keeps appearing, luring the unwitting little girl. Her mother even thought that she’s suffering a relapse of her mental condition when she saw the mimiko bag reappearing despite her discarding it several times. I suppose the movie wouldn’t be that scary if the ghost were a boy. Instead of a mimiko bag, it would probably be a pokemon bag containing power ranger toys. Now that would be amusing.
Reported by Urban Geek