Thursday, November 26, 2009



President of Un-united States of America

Pay: any amount
Working Hours: optional
Mortality Rate: 200%

Requirement: must be above 90 years old and plagued with life-threatening ailments such as acute heart failure or terminal cancer. Applicant must know nuts about governance. Being easily provoked into igniting world wars is an advantage.

Job Description: Fearing assassins dispatched from Allopia Spy School. Involving in scandals such as being in an affair in the Black House’s Polygon Office to give the media more scoops. Wasting taxpayers’ money on meaningless wars and expenses, increasing taxes for no reason and introducing unnecessary rules and regulations to make life hell for the citizens. Will need to work overtime occasionally to scheme nuclear wars and disbanding the Very United Nations.

Sadako’s Assistant

Pay: $10Million Hellnotes
Working Hours: Haunting Hours
Mortality Rate: 100%

Requirement: Must be a fan of Sadako and have watched The Ring and all of it sequels at least 20 times without being frightened to death

Job Description: helping Sadako in her Well-Crawling exercises. Organizing meet-the-fans sessions and arranging funerals when they all drop dead 1 week later. Assisting Sadako in calling up those who watched her cursed tape and arranging visa when Hungry Ghost month approaches. During the 7th lunar month, assistant is to help in propagating the spread and viewership of the cursed video tape. Lastly, job will include throwing Sadako back into the well if she refuses to go back after killing the victim or she decided to extend her stay on Freaktopia.


Silent Hill Heights

Location: Really Silent Hill, NE continent of Freaktopia
Address: somewhere in Silent Hill (need to pass through the mirror to access)
Cost: negotiable

Description: Silent Hill Heights is the most ideal home for anyone seeking peace and quiet. Located in the friendly neighborhood littered with killer nurses and straitjackets prowling the streets, demonic possessed crows aiming for your eyes and jagular and having Pyramid Head and The Butcher for neighbors, what else can one ask for at Really Silent Hill?

Just a stone throw away from Silent Hill Heights is the Sanctuary where the demented old bats burnt poor Alessa to a wonderful crisp, but got themselves skewered when she summoned some hellspawn to do the dirty job for her. Charming isn’t it? But that’s not all, as the Alchemilla Hospital is 50 blocks away where the only treatments available are amputations and random organ removal.

Life at Silent Hill is full mortality as every now and then, you find yourself being plunged into the Normal World of Silent Hill where peace and tranquility will simply reduce one to a blithering idiot as fresh air and happiness are corrosive and lethal toxins to the deranged inhabitants of Silent Hill.
Buy now, move in and start your one-way sojourn to the Other Realm!


Mimiko Bag

Afraid of losing your bag? Ladies, worry not! For the Mimiko bag is the fashion of this decaying season of Christmas. Made of cheap leather that is pained with ICI Dulux red paint and then a thick and generous layer of expired red lip gloss is painstaking applied by the manufacturer’s lips to give the Mimiko Bag its glossy and feel and look. The Mimiko Bag is one that will never separate itself from its owner, as it will always mysteriously appear out of nowhere despite being left behind, thrown away or incinerated.

With the Bottomless Pit technology incorporated into the crafting of the Mimiko Bag, it can accommodate anything from makeup kits to disposed husbands, tampons to emergency condoms (applicable to sluts, mamasans and Stephanie) and still weigh as light as feather. Of course, the bag comes with an additional function which will make girls squeal with absolute delight; the Recycle Bin. Using a Manicure Pen (a PDA pen which is designed as a jewel-encrusted fake nail), or Lip Stick (another PDA pen in the shape of a lipstick and is also a lipstick), the gal can access the main menu of the Mimiko Bag and select which items to trash.

Price: $80Billion (exclusive of 34598% tax on leather, 7% GST and $3Trillion for shipping and handling expenses)
Limited stock: 1 (one haunted bag is enough, can’t have too many as it infringed the immigration laws of the Other Realm)
Terms and Conditions: present your Meng Mei congee receipt to enjoy 1¢ off.

Reported by: Duck Medium

Archbishop of Kayboberry Visits Mutabak Kingdom

Mutabak-Bak (Freaktopia) – yesterday, the Archbishop of Kaypoberry arrived at the city of Mutabak-Bak, the industrious capital of Mutabak Kingdom, to make His annual pilgrimage to Mount Pra. The prilgrimage is of outmost importance to all inhabitants of the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations (UEICN) as the prevailing Archbishop will pray to the Immortal SSW for bountiful harvests of Q.B.B. Ghee and non-stick Tefal frying pans. However, before ascending the divine Mount Pra, the Archbishop of Kaypoberry has to fast for a week on a diet of ghee, lard and Axe brand medicated oil, as well as undergo a series of unfortunate events at Mount Ro to be cleansed of all sins and worldly desires.

However, several terrorists from the Al Thosai organization tried to kidnap Kaypoberry, but only to find themselves being arrested and mercifully sent into exile by the sadistic Princess Mutabak (who was in a foul mood due to period cramps) to the Pit of Stephanie where they will be leeched into poverty and endless debts by The Stephanie, a fate certainly 1000 times worse than being cooked in boiling Chinese 8-treasure Chili Sauce and smothered by masala.

At the summit of Mount Pra, the holy Immortal SSW gave His blessings to the Mutabak Kingdom and after which, stepped into his time machine to travel back in time to look for his dinosaur buddies for a roaring contest held at Palaeonto-Land, organised by SW-II International. With the sanctification of the Mutabak land, the kingdom will enjoy crispiness, oiliness and spiciness for another 1 hour before it is plagued with the never-ending headache of terrorising Thosais, eloping naans, murderous Pratas and Nasi Lemaks trying to enter the kingdom illegally to spread the gospel of sambal belacan.

Reported by Duck Medium

Saturday, November 21, 2009

News Flash! Terrorist Attacks in Murtabak Kingdom

Muttonbak (East city of Murtabak Kingdom) was under attack by the notorious terrorist organization, the Al Thosai Organisation (ALO). The nationality of the terrorists is unclear. However it appears that they belong to the despicable and rotten Thosai Kingdom.

The first terrorist attack began on 4th February, 5000 B.C. when the Princess of Murtabak was having her bath. The hopelessly moronic terrorists entered the palace by strolling across the palace desert (which was imported from Africa‘s Sahara Desert) and getting themselves blown into bite-sized bits by the Chinese 8-treasure Chili Sauce CCS-84 landmines, despite the warning sign that says ―Keep Out—Danger! Beware of land-mines!

The second attack took place one minute later where eleven thosai terrorists foolishly, but nonetheless admired by all of our bloodthirsty and thosai-hungry readers for their bravery, entered the palace through the front gate when a state-of-the-art latest model of the Murta-fighter plane XXX-01 dropped the latest invented Salsa and Thousand Chilli Sauce hydrogen bomb on the nano-sided brained invaders, burning them to an unrecognizable crisp of thosai slein.

The terrorist attacks left no dead murtabaks. However the cost of the counterattack is substantial as it reduced the entire palace to subatomic particles except the toilet in which the Princess was hiding in. This incident sparked great fury in the Princess of Murtabak who swore that she would tear King Thosai apart and dipped the pieces in chicken curry and swallow them.

Further updates might not be available as our reporter Mr Panama Pani and his crew had perished in the chili bomb blast. However, Kaypo readers do not despair, for FreaksTimes will sent our Kaypoberry Snooper SDU to fry out more news.

Reported by Duck Medium

Beauty Corner - SW-II

The ‘miracle water’ which popular actress/singer Sammee Cheng swears by has finally arrived here in Freaktopia, and it has whipped up the whole female population of the Freaktopia into a crazy frenzy when it was officially launched on Christmas Day. Flocks of women rushed to buy bottles of SW II which is only available every 10 years. Read on to find out more about SW II!

SW-II is the precious essence obtained from the legendary Immortal SSW and it boasts numerous fantastic beauty-enhancing benefits. Every 10 years Immortal SSW takes a bath in the Primordial River of Sewage on Mount Pra and 10 SW-II Company workers will go on a pilgrimage to the magnificent Mount Pra, pray to Immortal SSW for permission to harvest the enhanced river water, which is then packed into bottles right there and then, promising maximum freshness.

Benefits of SW II

- Remove all wrinkles upon application
- Gets rid of all scars—no more moon crater skin!
- Magically makes all pimples vanish without a trace, once and for all!
- Lightens skin tone up to 100 times. Warning—fair people shouldn't use this unless you wish to have skin as white as liquid paper
- Coagulate all the oil on your skin which you can collect and use as cooking oil if you wish
- Minimizes your pores until they are 1 nanometer in
- diameter each
- Makes your face glow—even in the dark!

Reported by Urban Geek

Friday, November 20, 2009




Pay: $3000 per month
Working Hours: Irregular
Mortality Rate: 90%

Requirements: Must have failed PSLE 3 times. Police record for child abuse will be an additional advantage. Applicant MUST enjoy dishing out expulsions, threats, detentions and capital punishments for no reason.

Job Description: work in an enclosure that is teeming with madness and chaos. Face the endless challenge of chasing after homework that is completed in invisible ink and lying to parents and the education ministry on a daily basis for students who turn up ‘mysteriously’ permanently incapacitated, missing or dead.


Pay: $50 per hour (addition of $100 for each teacher who died, quit or sacked)
Working Hours: 7.30am – 2.30pm
Mortality Rate: 80%

Requirements: applicants must be hopelessly stupid and do not know ABC and 123. Applicants of any age are eligible to apply. MUST be a chronic delinquent.

Job Description: break as many school rules and land into trouble as if there is no tomorrow. Job also includes driving teachers, parents and fellow students to their premature unemployment or expiry. Must complete assignments such as ‘causing the downfall of the education ministry’ or ‘razing the school to the ground’ in order to graduate.


Pay: $2 annually
Working Hours: extremely flexible

Requirements: Must know Do-Re-Mi and have played on a toy music set before.

Job Description: play horrible music to spoil the day for people and destroy a romantic ambience with funeral music. Job includes risks such as alley bashings and murder. Musicians are subjected to health risks such as exploded eardrums, broken fingers, insanity and delirium.

Lounge Hostess

Pay: $100000 (basic) + customer tips + commission
Working Hours: duration of Happy Hour

Requirements: applicant must have Degree in Practical Seduction (Honors). Runaway priestesses from the TFM sect are also welcome. Diploma holders in Social Leeching or Slut Studies will be considered on a case-by-case basis. Training will be provided for newbies.

Job Description: cheating D.O.M (Dirty Old Men) out of their retirement money. Rip huge holes in the pockets of poor executives by whining for new jewelry, clothes, bags, shoes, cosmetics and plastic surgery. Seduce faithful husbands and destroy their happy marriages. Infect as many as possible with AIDS, Gonorrhea, syphilis and Herpes.

Drug Lord

Pay: depend on the drug deal
Working hours: flexible and irregular

Requirements: Have played Drug Lord before. Must be incapable of differentiating ecstasy from Panadol pills and must have been arrested for at least 15 occasions by the Interpol. Drug addicts and prison inmates are eligible to apply.

Job Description: sampling drugs every day until you froth at the mouth. Giving orders to lackeys to carry out drug deals, interceptions and freeing other imprisoned mates from jail by bribing or killing the officers on duty. Basically live and behave like a mafia boss. An extremely fulfilling career for those who want to spread the joy and benefits of drug addictions to innocent kids and the entire world.


Kayako’s House

Address: Kayako Street, 666th avenue, Kayako Apartments, #66-666
Cost: $600

Description: an absolutely delightful little apartment with a history of a jealous husband breaking the neck of his infidel wife, murdering his son and slaughtering the pet black cat. Located on the 66th floor, you will enjoy a breeze of badly-polluted air from the nearby crematorium and incineration plant, together with a 100% death if you fall off while cleaning your windows or bring the laundry out to dry. With a high residential turnover of 99% everyday arising from exploding houses to bathtub drownings, your stay will always keep you healthily paranoid and spooked, for life will never be the same again. Here at Kayako Apartments, you will never be alone as the spirit of Kayako will always be with you, every time, everywhere. Amen.

(next issue will feature Haunted Mansion and awesome properties from Silent Hill, so do continue to subscribe to the Freakstimes)


Mysterious Cassette Tape

This mysterious cassette tape is a documentary featuring a well and a woman crawling out of the well painfully at a snail-pace. But somehow, none of the previous owners are able to survive for more than a week after watching the tape. Copies in VCD and DVD are out in all major video rental shops. Grab one today!

Cost: $18.99-VCD, $56.00-DVD, $10-pirated version
Note: death is guaranteed regardless of which version you purchase and watch. Video is rated G by the Media Disaster Authority of Freaktopia.

Essence of Stephanie

The essence of Stephanie is obtained by roasting Stephanie lowly over the fire until the sweat and oil are secreted in great volumes. The fluids are then mixed with leech, vampire bats, mosquitoes, TFM acid, nail varnish and liquefied aborted babies via titration, and then the pure essence is obtained via distillation using the SSW Immortal Fractionating Column™ and True Samadhi Fire™ (stolen from the Immortal’s lab). This rare Essence of Stephanie will grant the user the characteristic, looks and figure of the Stephanie, as well as the legendary leeching ability that nearly sucked the Princess Mutabak into irrecoverable poverty.

Cost: $9999999999999999999999 (exclusive of 3000%GST and additional costs)
Terms and Condition: customer must present TFM sect membership card.
Warning: Freaktopia have banned the production, sale and use of the product. Violation of the rules will result in execution and clan extermination. All implicated parties will be decimated in the process.

Reported by Duck Medium

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Hall Of Horror

"Hell hath no fury like a (female ghost) scorned"

Fans of horror movies unite! Here’s a special article featuring our favourite horror queens...

Just what is it about these horror movies that attracts us to watch it whenever it is released in cinemas, despite half the time we have our eyes and ears covered in the movie theatre? Perhaps it’s the lure of the long-haired female ghost clad in a long white shapeless dress; the central key figure that appears in all Asian movies that classifies itself under the horror genre, whether it be Japanese, Korean, Thai, or even Hollywood remakes. She’s hardly a femme fatale (attractive she is not...), but still highly seductive in a paranormal sense, and she’s very, very dangerous.

This iconic character has undergone little modifications in appearance since its first appearance in The Ring in the mid-1990s, with her familiar, long, black and unkempt hair covering her face, her long white hospital surgery robe, her pale or grey skin and bony fingers wth gross fingernails reaching out to grab people. And her huge bloodshot eyes...URGH! Not to forget the trademark creaky sound from Kayako in Ju-on. Now, this lady is long as it’s a horror movie, you’re very likely to see her. She has even made it to Hollywood! This amazing scary lady certainly commands our respect and awe.

Japanese director Hideo Nakata brought the eerie ghost story to the screen in his gothic horror mystery "Ringu," which was released in January 1998. It quickly became a phenomenon, spawning the most successful horror film franchise in the history of the Japanese cinema, as well as a television series and Manga.

Soon after the release of "Ringu," a whole new genre of Japanese films emerged -psycho-horror, or J-horror as it's often called-which exploded into Japan's multiplexes. Whether or not it had its origins in an urban legend, "Ringu" resulted in one that transfixed readers and moviegoers alike in Japan and much of Southeast Asia, and would soon capture the attention of people on the other side of the world.

Here comes
the ultimate Horror Queen candidates!


Movie : The Ring

Name : Sadako

Age of death : 20 + (?)

Murdered by : her mother

Why she was murdered : everyone feared her extraordinary powers to kill just by using her mind power, then her mum decided to kill her with her own hands

How she died : stuck in a well for years

Why she wants to kill : hatred

Method of killing : passing on the curse via an unlabeled video-tape, then ringing up the person to tell him/her that he/she has only 7 days more to live. Then once the time is up, the TV will turn on by itself and she’ll climb out of the TV screen to scare the victim to death.

Known as Sadako or ‘zhen zi’, this notorious iconic female ghost first appeared on the big screen in ‘Ringu’ in 1998 and it became a major hit in many countries. It resulted in frequent sleepless nights for many, paranoia among toilet-goers and cassette tape-owners.

The famous hair-raising scene—Sadako climbing out of the well, walking slowly towards the TV screen in a creepy way, and then clambering out of the TV screen from the virtual to the real world, and creeping somemore towards the poor guy (ex-husband of the lead character), and finally issuing the death blow by scaring the life out of the guy with her mispositioned eyeballs through her curtain of straggly hair.

By the way, imagine spending years in a murky well...I bet her hair stank.

Watching TV static in the middle of the night has taken on a whole new eerie sensation. You’ll probably never view an old well in the same way again. You’ll probably feel cautioned against strange video tapes. If so, you’re under the influences of the after-effects of watching The Ring. One difference between The Ring and Ju-on is that the former has a somewhat happy ending. One can become liberated from the curse. But in Ju-on, nothing can remove the curse. It just goes on and on, neverending, possibly ending up wiping out the whole world population just because of the hatred of one housewife murdered by her irate husband due to her infidelity.

Perhaps it would be accurate to call her the ancestor of all forthcoming iconic female ghosts typical of Asian horror movies. Call it an ingenious inspiration on the part of the producer, or perhaps he actually encountered a ghost dressed in that way, what he had created has become a legend in the horror film industry; a universal trademark of asian female ghost for all posterity.

Because of its novelty, Sadako was indeed a terrifying figure when she first appeared on the theatre screen. The idea of incorporating an everyday life object of people (TV) into a horror movie, where it plays a major part in causing terror is perhaps one of the elements which creeps people out for days or weeks after watching it.


Movie : Ju-on series, The Grudge series

Name : Kayako

Age of death : 30 +

Murdered by : her husband

Why she was murdered : her husband read her diary about how she was obsessively infatuated with her son's school teacher and overcome with jealousy, proceeded to murder his wife, his son, and their pet black cat

How she died : her neck broken by her outraged husband

Why she wants to kill : hatred

Method of killing : anyone who visits the haunted house becomes infected with the curse and the inflicted victim passes on the curse like a virus to whoever he/she comes into contact with. Once infected with the curse, the entourage (kayako, her son, and the black cat) will haunt the victim from time to time at all places (bathroom, toilet, window, mirror, bed, classroom, restaurant, hospital etc). If the victim isn’t frightened to death first by these bloodcurdling encounters, kayako will deal the final deathblow by grabbing the victim and transporting her to god-knows-where, leaving no trace. Be warned—she can appear and grab the victim anywhere, anytime.

Nothing can appease her. Nothing can quell her hatred. Nothing can exorcise her.

Trademark : her creaky sound, long black hair with bangs, white sleeveless dress, appears in 2 forms—bloody and non-bloody, walks in a strange contortionist way, has 2 assistants—her son (Toshio) and the cat

The moral of the Ju-on story—never enter a house reputed to be haunted. You may end up infected with a fatal curse, not before frightened out of your wits wherever you go. But this is still not a fool-proof plan...the curse passes on like a virulent virus from victim to victim, even to those innocent ones who never entered the haunted house, as can be seen in the Grudge 2, which demonstrated that the curse can cross international borders from Japan to America.

She needs no reason to kill. Her immense hatred is palpable, but irrational. Did she need to torment and kill those perfectly innocent people who merely stumbled into curse through pure acquaintances? She even involved her otherwise adorable son in her evil deeds. That’s violating a constitutional right. All children should be receiving proper education, not engaging in scaring people. Furthermore, her son is clad only in his underwear in a cold country like Japan. Is that child abuse or what, ghost child or not.

Like Sadako, Kayako has long, black hair which covers her face. But she has better hair style and hair condition than Sadako. Kayako has bangs, and her hair is more smooth (when she’s in her non-bloody version, that is.) She wears a sleeveless white dress and goes barefooted. It seems that wearing shoes lowers the fear factor of ghosts? Perhaps the producer didn’t want us to be distracted by the shoe design or brand. And like Sadako, she walks in a twisted, contorted way that is 100% eerie.

One memorable scene is where Kayakoko creeps under the blanket and made a sinister face at the victim and then grabbing her into her Kayako-world and which left me disturbed for days. The ultimate hair-raising and spine-chilling scene has to be the part where Kayako slowly opens the door and descends the stairs, her face and dress all bloody, slowly approaching the appalled and petrified victim. Totally haunting, I tell you.

In the Japanese version Ju-on, we last saw Kayako reincarnated as the daughter of the actress (Acclaimed as the Horror Queen). Will there be Ju-on 3? I await most eagerly. Yes, I have still not learnt my lesson. Despite suffering sprained fingers after watching every horror movie (coz have to use my index fingers to cover my eyes and thumbs to cover my ears), I am still willing to endure my fore-limb discomfort to enjoy the thrill and chill of horror films.


Movie : Shutter

Name : Natre

Age of death : early 20s

Murdered/killed by : Suicide

Why she was killed : heartbroken and depressed after being gang raped by her boyfriend’s friends and the photos taken by her boyfriend

How she died : see above

Why she wants to kill : nope she didn’t kill the guy. She tormented him. She is more rational than the Japanese ghosts—she only wants to take revenge on the guy and didn’t really harm his current girlfriend

Method of torment : haunts the guy by appearing in polaroids, sitting on the guy’s shoulders, driving him to insanity, killing the guys who raped her

Trademark : long, black hair, wears white shapeless dress, pale grey skin (familiar?)

Another tool for arousing fear—photographs. This movie was inspired by the phenomenon of paranormal appearances of ghost images in photographs. An ingenious stroke of inspiration, no doubt. In my humble opinion, this Thai horror film is more sophisticated than Japanese horror in that it has a tighter storyline and a more rational ghost (with a reason for revenge, and only on the specific victims)

Like all fearsome ghosts, Natre doesn’t speak. She appears in photographs, instilling in the protagonist fear which goes beyond the superficial level to reveal a deeper story within...something shameful he did...which caused Natre’s death and hatred...A good plot aids in raising the fear factor of horror films, because it makes the story more realistic. The movie uses everyday objects as the tool of fear to evoke a greater sense of trepidation as photographs are common in real life, while haunted houses are not, and who uses cassette tapes nowadays?

Natre, like the former 2 Japanese ghosts, sports long black hair, wears a white shapeless dress and has pale ghostly skin. She also has a demented mother who thinks that her daughter’s decayed corpse is in a coma. You will feel sorry for Natre, because she has suffered grave injustice. Her boyfriend could have stopped the jerks from committing the sinful act but instead, he partook in it. He may be hot but this is simply unforgivable.

The series of strange occurrences led his girlfriend to feel doubt about the whole story, and roused her to inestigate for the truth. And Natre led her to the evidences through a stack of mysterious polaroids which she flipped through to reveal a motion sequence of the ghostly image of Natre crawling towards a shelve and reaching onto a box of stuffs (which contains pictures of the rape, if I remember correctly) and that, in my opinion, is truly a brilliant and memorable scene.

Another unforgettable scene is where the guy was in a room when the lights suddenly went out. He took out his lighter and he heard strange noises. With every press of the lighter, the ghost of Natre appeared nearer towards him. And at the final moment of the scene, he pressed the lighter and her face was just inches from him. That would make a terrific idea if you wanna frighten someone during a blackout.

The final twist in the movie is remarkable as well. Who would have thought that Natre was actually sitting on him all the while? The Polaroid in the last part revealing that twist was indeed shocking and an impressive final kick to the whole frightful melodrama. Till the end, Natre did not kill her ex-boyfriend. She continues to sit on him, and be with him forever, as revealed in the door windowpane reflection. Yes, reflections are useful tools in horror films. Just about every horror movie makes use of mirror or window reflections.

I am typing this all alone in my room and it’s getting scary. Paranoia is creeping up on me...


Movie : Dark Water

Name : Mitsuko (?)

Age of death : 5

Murdered by/killed by : nobody. It was an accident.

Why she was killed : she was all alone, neglected by her parents. Carrying her favourite red mimiko bag, she went to the rooftop (of all places!) to play. She saw a huge water vat and climbed up the ladder and looked into the open vat (why wasn’t it closed? To collect rainwater?). Her mimiko bag fell in. She reached out for it but lost her balance and plunged in and drowned.

How she died : Fell into a huge vat of water at the rooftop and drowned, turning into a water ghost.

Why she wants to kill : She craves for a mother’s love, something she never had. Seeing the close relationship between the lead character and her daughter, she probably felt jealous and wanted the mother for herself.

Method of torment : haunting the mother and daughter with her mimiko bag which just keeps appearing nobody how many times the mother threw it away. Trying to drown the little girl. Scaring the little girl at her school during a game of hide-and-seek.

Trademark : red mimiko bag, pale grey skin, long black hair, little white dress, a lot of water wherever she goes

The original Japanese version of Dark Water is a thousand times scarier than the Hollywood version. One reason is that the Mitsuko in the Hollywood one speaks, and secondly, she does not have black hair. The eerie factor of the Hollywood one just wasn’t as good as the Japanese one. There’s something about the dark, rundown and grubby apartment building that contributes a top-notch eerie effect to the story.

Of all places, the mother and daughter (can’t remember their names) had to end up finding accommodation in a unit directly below Mitsuko’s. That is purely bad feng shui. Just move out and perhaps nothing bad would have happened. But circumstances forced the mother to bravely persevere and carry on living in their wretched home. Mitsuko the water ghost was thirsty (pun intended) for mother’s love, and so she compelled the mother to give up her life in exchange for her daughter’s so that the mother could join her in the other realm and be her mother. The mother, who loved her daughter very much, decided to sacrifice herself to save her daughter. I can still remember the finale vividly. The lift closes and goes down. The little girl ran downstairs and saw the lift opening and an avalanche of water poured out of the lift, sweeping her off her feet...and her mother and Mitsuko were gone.

Throughout the movie, we never saw Mitsuko’s face clearly. Her face was always blurry and masked by her long, black hair. Even her picture on the poster announcing her disappearance looked blurred and creepy. But at the last scene, we were given the shock and horror of our lives when her face, grey and rotting and utterly disturbing suddenly appeared on the huge cinema screen and her spine-chilling voice crying out something (mama?) as she grabbed the horrified mother, her grey fingers digging into her neck. Urgh. That’s a cool twist alright. That happened right after the mother saw the door of the haunted unit open, a small girl shuffled out, and the mother hugged the little girl in her arms tightly, thinking that she’s her daughter and that the girl at the door was the water ghost. But it turned out that it’s the other way round! Smart move, I must say. I never expected that then.

Another cool gimmick used in the movie—the red mimiko bag. In Chinese we say that it’s ‘yin hun bu san’. It keeps appearing, luring the unwitting little girl. Her mother even thought that she’s suffering a relapse of her mental condition when she saw the mimiko bag reappearing despite her discarding it several times. I suppose the movie wouldn’t be that scary if the ghost were a boy. Instead of a mimiko bag, it would probably be a pokemon bag containing power ranger toys. Now that would be amusing.

Reported by Urban Geek

Asian vs Hollywood Horror

Here's an interesting read from MyPaper (12 November). Enjoy =)

PARANORMAL Activity, a chiller about a young American couple, Micah and Katie, being terrified by a supernatural presence in their home, is the phenomenal hit of the year.

But is the movie really that scary, especially for Asian audiences? Maybe, maybe not. The fear factor is very different for people in the East and in the West.

Here’s how: (click for larger view)

Friday, November 13, 2009

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Skeleton Key to unlock the Goldilock

Due to the overwhelming success of Goldilocks’ security products, Dr Lala Cloth’s Tomb Raider International is facing a drastic, dramatic and disastrous fall in business as homes, banks and tombs remain impossible to raid. Having experienced a high employment turnover rate of 500% due to the workers being finished off by the Goldilocks systems, Tomb Raider International is nearly bankrupt from having to pay the bills for dry cleaning, state funerals, corpse disposal and permanent disability claims. Desperate, Dr Lala Cloth decided to collaborate with the notorious key-siao Prof. Kiki Key to produce a new range of gadgets that are completely incapable of opening a drawer cabinet.

The Skeleton Key

This skeleton key was designed to open any lock in the house. Chicken bones, fish bones, 5 packets of Milo powder and an expired tin of Anlene Hi-calcium milk powder are added in a secret and precise ratio to a molten alloy obtained from rusty keys and recycled drink cans. It is then fashioned into the shape of a skeleton and sent (by DHL) to the godforsaken TFM shrine, where it is cursed to bring extreme bad luck to any keyhole it is placed in. However, due to a mistake in the cursing, only anorexic or malnourished people are able to wield the deathly-thin skeleton key. Anyone else who uses the key will be haunted by a combination of The Stephanie and Whiskie until they are bankrupt or gone key-siao by the demonic duo’s never-ending whining and leeching.

Cost: $0.90 inclusive of 200% GST

Terms and conditions:
1. Customer must have either fallen victim to the TFM or Stephanie.

2. Customer must give 100% of the loot obtained to Tomb Raider International. If not, Dr Lala Cloth will personally empty your house and bank account. All additional charges and expenses are to be footed by the customer.

3. Tomb Raider International will not be responsible for any loss of life, limb or sanity due to the side effects of the product (have side effects, but purposely omitted) or activation of any Goldilocks’ security systems.

4. 100% failure guarantee. Use at your own risk.

Reported by Duck Medium

Thursday, November 5, 2009

News Break - where news break cups, plates, furniture, and skulls

Freaktopia - Due to the sudden flash flood that appeared like a flash in the pan, the royal Murtabak Palace is facing an architectural crisis. The torrential rain has caused the crispy walls of the palace to become dangerously soggy and several roofs have caved into the palace, reducing 13 royal servants into thosai flatness. The Princess of Murtabak has declared a state of emergency. The Murtabak government advises the citizens to stay indoors and keep themselves crispy by jumping into boiling hot oil if they are turned soggy by the rain.

Reported by: Kaypoberry

Duck Medium Exotic Cuisine World Tour

The Bubble Tea

Large - $10
Medium - $20
Small - $30

A new and mysterious drink of Auntie Poopie. A box of Fab washing powder is added to a teacupful of soapy dishwater. Together with a combination of Blue Mountain essence (obtained when Mount Pra is raining), essence of Bubbles (Bubble's puke) and melted bubblegum blended nicely with a handful of Panadol tablets, the Bubble Tea is one drink that will let you froth deliriously at the mouth until you are blue in the face.

Reported by: Duck Medium

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Duck Medium Cuisine Top Picks

Century Egg Congee

Price: $90 per bowl

The century egg congee is made from 100-year-old eggs that are kept to rotten perfection in the spoilt refrigerator of Meng Mei's congee shop. A revolutionary mixture of mouldy rice, leftover porridge from last year and rice weevils are cooked to an indistinguishable grey mess. The century egg is then added to the congealing mixture with generous slices of old melon and a dash of mothball sauce to bring out the wondrous smell of old people. Grab a bowl now and age like there is no tomorrow!

Reported by: Duck Medium