Friday, January 29, 2010

Freaktopian Citizen Admission Examination

There has been an influx of both legal and illegal immigrants into Freaktopia in the past 3 years. The new migrants come from all over the universe and the other realm as well. The sudden and explosive population boom has created major problems for the government of Freaktopia and has incited much furore from the citizens. These immigrants were felt to be uneducated, barbaric, insane, bloodthirsty, among other adjectives used to describe them.

To control the influx of migrants and to ensure that these people are of sufficient calibre and level of intelligence, the Ministry of Immigration has decided to administer an entrance exam to filter out the hopeless cases and the nutcases so that whoever gets the privilege of becoming Freaktopian citizens would be those who truly qualify.

To satisfy the insatiable appetite of the readers for top secret and highly confidential info, the highly resourceful reporter of Freakstimes has braved mortal perils and risked her limbs to obtain a copy of the examination paper. Below are the questions in the exam. Answers not provided, unfortunately.

1) Who is the Minister of Immigration? __________________
2) What is the name of the Princess of Murtabak's royal canine? ____________
3) Who is the mortal enemy of the Al Thosai Organization? ____________
4) Who created the Immortal Pill? _____________
5) Who colonized Colonel Sanders of KFC? _____________
6) Who won the First Inter-Realm Martial Arts Competition? __________
7) What are the winning Toto numbers on 23rd July 1997? ______________
8) What is the most popular shopping mall in Freaktopia? ___________
9) Which is the most prestigious school in Freaktopia? ______________
10) Did Dairy Queen marry Burger King? __________
11) Where on Freaktopia is Old MacDonald's farm? ___________
12) How should you say your prayer before eating the Holy Burger from Mosque Burger? ____
13) What are the benefits of Duck Matter? __________________
14) Who is Mr Kana Sai? ______________
15) You must be a user of which telecommunication company before you can buy the Immortal Pills? __________________
16) Which is Freaktopia's favourite mooncake shop? __________________
17) What is the Holy Immortal SSW's favourite dinosaur? _____________
18) What is murtabak made of? ____________________
19) Name a famous dish in Critter Connoisseur Whiskey's Critter Cuisine Menu. __________
20) Name the states in the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine. ________________

Reported by: Urban Geek

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Unclassified Recruit - Hiring!!!

Due to too many of our Freaksimes reporters, journalists and correspondents mysteriously disappearing permanently, dying all over the place, becoming permanently incapacitated and held hostage by the Mafia and Al Thosai Organisation, Freakstimes is becoming severely understaffed. Our Chief Editors such as Urban Geek, Duck Medium aka Kaypoberry, Princess Mutabak, Immortal SSW and Biohazard Scientist have to risk their limbs, sanity and lives to dig out the news for our deplorably ignorant and chronically insatiable readers.

To those who do not know what is ABC and scored remarkable straight Fs, the Freakstimes wants you! As long as you are allergic to words and alphabets, you are our ideal candidate. On-the-job training will be provided to increase your non-existent chance of survival in Freaktopia. Applicants are highly encouraged to draw up their last will and testament with our incompetent and corrupt lawyers. Join us and begin your career in literary vilification and fanning the flames of international and inter-dimensional warfare and conflict.

Minimum requirement: must know basic Hokkien vulgarities.

The Freakstimes Pledge

We, the writers of Freakstimes
Poise ourselves as one freakish publication
Regardless of Mutabak, Prata or Other Realm, to churn out news like there is no tomorrow
Based on blackmailing and highly fertile imagination
So as to achieve panic, social irresponsibility and chaos for Freaktopia.

Friday, January 22, 2010


Mati (somewhere in an ulu corner of Freaktopia) - Due to the recent earthquake that struck the poverty-stricken island of Mati (due to the Leech floating nearby the unfortunate island as its ship sunk into a whirlpool), the citizens are literally dying of grievious injuries, thirst and hunger.

Several nations such as the Disunited Kingdoms, Mutabak Kingdom, The United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations and the Very United Nations are rendering aid in the form of cash, food, water, medicine and security.

However, the chaotic situation in Mati have escalated to a hopelessly catastrophic level as the desperately hungry quake victims have resorted to eating the Dhal soldiers who were doing their best to promote looting and all other assorted crimes.

As food supplies proceeded to trickle into Mati like a blocked sewage pipe, the starving citizens began to suffer from See-Food syndrome due to extreme hunger and long-term suppression of the urge to munch on every Mutabak, Prata, Dhal and other Indian Cuisine Soldiers roaming the streets. Dr Muttonbak Pilo was eaten alive while examining a Mati citizen, who was rescued from a collapsed toilet.

“The situation is very dangerous and chaotic! We really want to help the Matis but unable to do so if they keep on trying to eat us!” screamed a fellow Very United Nations volunteer who was being ripped from crust to crust by a toothpick-thin teenager.

Barracks Osama, President of the Disunited States of America, have requested the help of the Duck Medium and Summoner Geek to perform the Sending of the deceased. The Nekomancer was knocked out by a blast from a nearby suicide Thosai bomber while chanting the sutras to prevent the outbreak of Mad Corpse Disease. Princess Mutabak suspected it is the work of the notorious Al Thosai Organisation. The Freaktopian Defense Ministry has mobilised its National Cadet Corpse to plough through the wreckage for leftovers and carcasses.

- Reported ‘Live’ by Ms Mai Cow Peh


After much liasing with Saint Pra via the Duck Medium, Homo Boss is delighted to announce that students* in the Forensic Prataology faculty are eligible to purchase the Essence of Saint Pra at the Royal University of Urban Mutabak’s (RUUM) bookshop. Those currently studying at Allopia Spy School are advised to break into RUUM at night to steal the Essences or they can choose to purchase at Allopia’s black market at daylight-robbery prices. Get your Essence of Saint Pra now while stocks last!

*Students must have either skipped 99% of their attendance, failing almost all of their exams or both to be eligible to buy the Essence. Promotion is also applicable to students in the Por-fessional course.

Buy now! And bootlick your way to success, fame and riches!

Note: patrons of Essence of Saint Pra must regularly make a pilgrimage to Mount Pra and Mount Ro, or else they will be visited by the apparition of Ding Bat Chia, a being more powerful that Saint Pra.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Por-fessionalism Course P1101 now offered at Allopia Spy School

Porfessionalism Course P1101

It's been said that the working world is like a jungle, where there's no one you can trust and everyone else to be wary of. People like your boss exist to make your life hell, while your coworkers whom you thought you can trust are actually sneaky backstabbers who will not hesitate to use you as a stepping stone to climb up the corporate ladder. Even the office tea lady isn't as harmless as you would think. She's actually a spy hired by your boss to keep a watch on the unknowing employees.

The corporate world is no playground for the innocent souls. To get ahead in life and to achieve the material success as defined and promoted by our capitalist society, maneuvering through this jungle is the only path. You either come out richer and wiser or beaten and wretched. For the uninitiated, this course will teach you how to survive in such a hostile and treacherous environment. You will learn to "smoke" your way to the top. You will learn the most important skill you'll need at the workplace - Porfessionalism. How else did you think your quarter-brained superior managed to climb above you?

Cowford Dictionary
"Por" is a Hokkien term literally meaning "to carry". An act of sycophancy. Buttering someone up, or brown-nosing.

In a survey of 10 million Freaktopian employees, it was found that the majority of them (99.9%) named Porfessionalism as the most crucial skill to help one get promoted. Career expert Miss Lao Kay Poh from the Allopia Spy School Career Counseling Centre advised fresh graduates to pick up Porfessionalism because it is so relevant and essential to achieving success in the working world today. "Don't think of leaving school without knowing a thing or two about Porfessionalism! Apply for the Porfessionalism Course at Allopia Spy School now!"

Indeed this new course which was recently introduced by ASS aims to equip students with the essential knowledge and practical skills of Porfessionalism to help them achieve a smooth and successful career in the perilous terrain of the business world. This course will be taught by Prof Sibeh Nabeh who has accumulated over 50 years of experience in Porfessionalism throughout his time in the corporate world.

Lesson Plan

Week 1: Introduction to Porfessionalism
Week 2: Theories of Porfessionalism
Week 3: Porfessionalism Strategies and Tactics 1
Week 4: Porfessionalism Strategies and Tactics 2
Week 5: Top Porfessionals in History - Guest Lecture by retired Porfessionalism Expert Mr. Kana Sai from Japan
Week 6: Practical in Porfessionalism 1 - Practise Porfessionalism on your coursemates
Week 7: Practical in Porfessionalsim 2 - Practise Porfessionalism on your schoolmates and other lecturers
Week 8: Industry attachment - Project: Por your way to get a promotion within 3 days
Week 9: Industry attachment - Project: Por your way to get a selected coworker fired within 2 days
Week 10: Industry attachment - Project: Por your way to get climb above your boss within 3 days
Week 11: Final Exam
Week 12: Award Ceremony for Top Porfessional in the course - The winner gets a full refund of the course fee!

Course fee: $1 million (small cost compared to your gains in the working world lah!)
Contact: Call 1900-123-4567 to book your place now!!!

Reported by: Urban Geek

NEWS FLASH - New Product!

Essence of Saint Pra

Homo Boss, the famous manufacturer of the Essence series, is introducing a new product to Essence lovers; the Essence of Saint Pra. Everyday, a worker, under the disguise of a student, will make a solemn and silent pilgrimage to the Statute of Saint Pra in the St. Pra Chapel on Mount Pra and make an offering of confiscated items, recordings of public caning and school ties and badges before seeking permission to obtain the precious vapour. When distilling the essence, one must be decked out immaculately in school uniform (shirt tucked in, with tie and badge and non-coloured hair), or else, Saint Pra will visit divine school punishment onto the offender by summoning Ding Bat Chia the Caning Master. By spraying the Essence of Saint Pra, you will experience an obsessive need to strictly follow school rules, bootlick every teacher and be able to come in first in any race, be it Cross Country or F1.

Price: $9.90. strictly for BHSS students only. Off limits to students from Waffles Institution.

Coming up next week: Essence of Vishnu.

Reported by Duck Medium


Ancient Egyptian Exhibition

An exhibition of ancient Egyptian pharaohs will be held at the Royal University of Urban Mutabak’s Exhibition Hall 3002, where the ignorant public can go ogle at those highly-expired dead bodies and learn that there is no such thing as immorality (obviously the Leech and the TFM have missed quite a few important lessons). To spice up the event, the Nekomancer* will be invited as special guest to entertain the audience by reanimating some of the more destructive corpses to induce some terror and bloodshed. The Duck Medium will be present to provide free embalming, mummification and afterlife consultation services to cheaporella members of the public.

Please look after yourself and those you bring along as the management will not be responsible for any accidental deaths, injury, permanent incapacitation and disappearance. Before attending the event, please update your will and top up your insurance coverage. Paranoid members of the public are rest assured as the exhibition hall is guarded by the elite National Cadet Corpse (NCC) to deter any acts of terrorism by the Dhal Kingdom or Al Thosai’s Suicide Frying Attack. With the joint efforts of the Nekomancer, Duck Medium and Summoner Urban Geek, an anti-Leech and anti-TFM magical barrier will be erected to protect the public in case (touch wood) the pair happened to linger around the neighbourhood. The barrier will also serve to prevent the corpses from escaping out of the exhibition hall and kill everyone they see on the street.

Admission: $123456789 per child, $987654321 per adults and free entry for the deceased. Zombies, ghouls and pontianaks are admitted on case-by-case basis.

Note: do not feed the NCC with holy water or Duck Matter as it will cause them to suffer from Mad Corpse Disease, which will make the event very messy with body parts and gore. Audience discretion is advised.

*Neko means ‘cat’ in Japanese.

For more events, please check with your nearest Cyst-Stick outlets and get your tickets there at extra charges!

Reported by: Duck Medium


(Macarena Temple) Freaktopia – the Urban Geek have decided to retreat into the Ancient Tomb and train herself to become a summoner and bring Piece to the fragmented lands of Freaktopia. Freaktopians, the Other Realm and the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations (UEICN) were shocked by her decision but nevertheless, they supported it.

Urban Geek made the decision to embark on the tough and perilous journey of a summoner due the re-emergence of the Leech (after a billion year banishment, and unfortunate birth of its toilet spawn) and the rise of the TFM sect, as their mere presence were capable of causing the citizens of the Other Realm to turn in their graves and their leaky auras of poverty are plunging economies after economies into irrecoverable bankruptcy; resulting in uncountable cases of insanity, murders, kidnap, blackmail, arson, suicides, genocides, civil wars, world wars and all other assorted catastrophes breaking out all over the place like pimples, acne and rashes on Mark Lee’s moon-cratered face.

Several royal advisers and misfortune-tellers have voiced their suspicion that the Al Thosai and Dhal Kingdom are being manipulated by the Leech and the TFM, much to the Princess Mutabak’s annoyance as she gave the oh-I-knew-it-500000-years-before-you-even-open-your-mouth expression at a press conference in Waffles Hotel (Sinkapoor).

While the Urban Geek is training in Macarena Temple, the Duck Medium will be embarking on his pilgrimage from Mount Pra’s Prata Temple to Saint Mutabak Temple in Mount Ro. “Well, if the pilgrimage does not work out, I will simply blast that obnoxious and noxious pair of sinful organisms to their kingdom come,” said Princess Mutabak curtly as she was busy disciplining Whisky, the only living thing on Freaktopia that is capable of causing nightmares, sore throats (from yelling ‘shut up!’ every 0.5 seconds) and flared tempers to the royal family .

Reported by Foreign Correspondent Miss Lim Ko Pi (currently in Freak Tock Seng Hospital's mortuary)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Freaktopia MTV

What are the top hits this week in Freaktopia? Let's tune in to check out!

1. Spicey Girls - Wantanme
2. Back Alley Boys - Shape of my butt
3. Moron 5 - That Love
4. 60 Cents - The Prata Song
5. Lady Baba - Pokey Face

Reported by: Urban Geek

Friday, January 8, 2010

Forensic Prataology New modules

Semester modules

1. Introduction to Prata Flipping

Description: The art of prata flipping dates back to 23 B.M. (Before Murtabak), about thousands of years ago. It was invented and mastered by the people of Paratha Nation, a lost civilzation after it was destroyed by a deadly natural disaster known as Hurricane Currina.

Fortunately, the ancient art survived because some Parathian traders brought the skill and knowledge to Freaktopia in exchange for some Holy Immortal Pills, one of the national products of Freaktopia.

Since then, Prata Flipping has become a phenomenon, and has even been elevated to pop culture status all over Freaktopia and the Other Realm. Even the previously popular Pollywood boyband Backstreet Boys quit their singing career to turn to flipping pratas, and they even renamed themselves "Backstreet Prata Boys". Such is the prestige of learning to flip pratas.

This course aims to introduce students to the honorable art through theories, practical lessons and a group project. For the group project, students are required to perform a Prata Flipping Act and write a 100,000-words report on a case study of one renowned Prata Flipper from history. Insights and demonstrations by guest lecturers (possibly Backstreet Prata Boys, if their schedule permits) will also be part of the pedagogy.

Lesson Plan

Week 1: Introduction to the art of flipping pratas
Week 2: History of Prata Flipping
Week 3: Basic theories of Prata Flipping 1
Week 4: Basic theories of Prata Flipping 2
Week 5: Beginners Prata Flipping Methods 1
Week 6: Beginners Prata Flipping Methods 2
Week 7: Famous Prata Flippers - A brief history
Week 8: Guest Lecture by Backstreet Prata Boys
Week 9: Visit to the Prata Shrine - Home of the Master Prata Flippers
Week 10: Guest Lecture by 60 Cents (Rapper cum Prata Flipper)
Week 11: Project Presentation
Week 12: Examination

Note: Upon completion of this course, students can proceed to take up Level 2 Prata Flipping module. Students will receive a Level 1 Certificate upon completion of this course, which will allow them to take up part-time jobs as assistant flippers at the Famous Thomson Crispy Prata Shop. To become a chief flipper, a pHD in Forensic Prataology is required.

Below are some career options for each level of mastery in Prata Flipping:

Level 1: Assistant flipper, apprentice, intern
Level 2: Associate Flipper, Junior Flipper, Executive Flipper
Level 3: Senior Associate Flipper,
Level 4: Senior Flipper, Flipper Manager --- for Masters students
Level 5: Chief Flipper, Chief Flipping Officer (CFO) --- for pHD students

Reported by: Urban Geek

Allopia Spy School Announces New Major

Forensic Prataology

Entry Requirements: Allopia Spy School Diploma (GPA of S-rank in all subjects)

A-Levels (must achieve 15 points), where A=5, B=4, C=3, D=2, E=1

Award: Honours Degree in Forensic Pratatology (awarded by the Royal University of Urban Mutabak)

Course description:

Here, in the prestigious department of Forensic Prataology, students will be studying subjects from a wide range of scientific and culinary fields, to gain a deeper and tasteful insight into the anatomy of Pratas, Thosais, Mutabaks, Puffs and all other culinary citizens that are covered in a layer of oily and crispy skin or crust.

Semester modules

1. Dissection and Restoration

Students will definitely need to be trained in the crucial skill of dissection as they need to open up dead cuisines to identify the victim (as they often turn up too badly mangled and masticated to be recognised) and cause of death. Based on the condition of the carcass, different blades have to be used to attain efficiency and effectiveness in the process so as not to destroy any lingering evidence. For example, a frozen Curry Puff has to sawed open using a Maureen Saw MK-II.

Besides dissecting, Prataologists have to be equally adept at patching up their leftovers on the chopping board. Demonically-tough training in Dough-moulding, Crust Restoration and Skin-sewing will simply drive students to their premature insanity or expiry.


A. Cuisines may sometime turn up at the laboratory half-dead. It is the student’s job to finish up the leftovers.

B. When handling expired cuisines, please have a shotgun or flamethrower nearby. Expired cuisines have the tendency to exhibit some Silent Hill characteristic. In that situation, please panic.

C. The school will not be responsible for any insanity, permanent incapacitation, deaths and disappearances. Students apply at their own risk.

2. Toxicology : Practical Approach and Application

During the 1 year course in Toxicology, students will be versed in all kinds of poisons and toxins which are capable of killing a Mutabak or Prata. Experiments are conducted in a lab with fresh death-row prisoners being imported into the campus daily. Practicing in a torture chamber (sponsored by the Duck Medium), students can get to witness the dreadful results of Mutabaks soaked in water, Pratas disintegrating in curry and Thosais being burnt into unrecognisable crisps by Thai Chilli Sauces.


A. “F” grade will be given to students who fail to put at least 1000 death-row inmates out of their misery by the end of the module. “A” will be given to those who killed at least a Leech or a member of the TFM sect.

B. Students are required to be creative in killing off their subjects. This will allow them to fully appreciate and remember the knowledge taught to them.

C. Outstanding students will be suspected as Al Thosai terrorists. Score at your own risk.

Reported by: Duck Medium

Monday, January 4, 2010

The Noway Journals Top News

Noway (North of Freaktopia) – Last Thristday, the sub-zero country of Noway experienced a strange phenomenon of Curry rain, which appeared to be rather entertaining at first as the cheapo citizens tried to pack as many barrels of curry in a cheaporella attempt to sell these precious and spicy liquids to the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations.

However, the situation soon graduated from interesting to catastrophic as Noway continue to rain curry heavily as if there is no tomorrow. In no time, Noway is flooded with curry as high as 10 metres.

“The flooding is expected to worsen as the monsoon season is approaching tomorrow,” said a Nowayian Meteorological Agency scientist. The weather station showed reports of impending tsunamic weather and touring Mutabaks and Pratas are advised to get the hell out of boiling reservoir of curry as soon as possible to avoid being disintegrated by the torrential gravy. But due to the extremely bad weather, foreign Mutabaks and Pratas are stranded as the Royal Holy Mutabak Embassy is buried under 9000 feet of mutton curry.

Meanwhile, Suayden, Noway’s neighbouring country, is experiencing heavy downpours of safari animals such as elephants and rhinoceros. After 2 minutes of the ‘heavy’ rain, the country reported a death toll of 3.2 million (where 5% are the Suayden’s ministers, politicians and ruler).

“It is no wonder that so many got crushed to death under a falling elephant. Who ask them to be so…,” said a Suayden citizen before he, and a Freakstimes reporter, was pulverised under a shower of elephants, rhinos and a few other assorted animals like lions, hippos and a blue whale.

Scientists at the Mount Ro University’s Department of Catastrophic Weather speculated that maybe a science experiment of the Immortal SSW has gone wrong and is currently wreaking havoc all over the place.

- Reported by Miss Mee Pok

The Freaktopian Business Times

Last Friedday, the Prata Economic Index (PEI) plummeted by 5459.666 points, from 5460.666 to 1 point, which caused the country’s economy to collapse like LEGO bricks after being sat on by a grossly overweight Stephanie. Frying in a state of economic turmoil, the Prata Republic’s government flew the coop, to save their own crispy skins, after witnessing civil wars breaking out left, right, centre, front, back, top and bottom as if there is no tomorrow.

Economy analysts speculated that this rare but highly destructive economic phenomenon is caused by the presence of The Leech, whose bankrupting aura will simply plunge any nation into irrecoverable bankruptcy. Furthermore, that organism’s aura is capable of curdling fresh QBB Ghee (an important natural resource that keeps the Indian Cuisine Nations’ economy hot, oily and crispy) into a pile of toxic diarrhoea-like substance.

“We must not let The Leech continue its sponging ways in the lands of Freaktopia! We must find a way to send it to the Other Realm!” exclaimed a looter who was busy stealing curry powder and chilli sauce from a shop.

Apparently, the looter’s comments threw the Other Realm into complete confusion and panic as the thought of The Leech entering their realm will simply spell catastrophe for the spiritual world. The Other Realm have been enjoying triple-digit economic growth ever since it was founded in 999 trillion light years B.M (Before Mutabak) and could not imagine their strong Hellnotes currency being reduced into worth pieces of scrap paper by the devastating Leech’s aura.

King Yen Lo called for a convention to discuss a solution to the impending problem. The convention will be held at MoonTec City Convention Hall at Mount Ro. All wheelchair and trishaw traffic will be diverted to Mount Pra Expressway for 10 years.

- Reported by Kaypoberry and Julie Biscuit