Monday, December 20, 2010

Launch of Kung Fu Massage Parlour in Freaktopia!

Chinese martial arts, popularly known as "kung Fu", has developed over millions of years in the Land of Tiongs, a huge continent North of Kootupura. It includes over a thousand different sets of skills created by many different Kung Fu Masters from different sects. Besides being used for self-defense, strengthening the mind and body, and attacking adversaries, Kung Fu has also been used in sports such as soccer, lending players an incredible advantage over opponents. Indeed, the Shaolin Soccer Team has won every Inter-realm Cup since 999 B.M. (Before Murtabak)

Another area of application of Kung Fu is the Culinary Art. The Shaolin Chef Academy has consistently produced world-renowned and inter-realmly acclaimed chefs who are highly sought after by 99-stars hotels in both realms. The Shaolin Chefs use their powerful internal energy (nei gong) to simmer the broth to perfection. Some use their spectacular sword skills to slice and dice the ingredients into precise, flawless shapes and sizes. A unique skill originating from the Fire Temple Sect - the True Samadhi Fire - is the pinnacle of the culinary martial arts skill. In fact, there are only 3 Kung Fu Masters who know the True Samadhi Fire skill. Meng Po, according to rumours, stole the skill from one of the masters by seducing him with her trademark Meng Po Soup. She then went on to create the ultimate True Samadhi Fire Soup that has received rave reviews from famous food connoisseurs around the world.

And now, the great ancient art is being spread into the art of massage, which is aimed at enhancing the physical function and promoting relaxation and well-being of the body, as well as healing certain diseases. It is also very useful for treating orthopaedic problems. Traditional massage uses painstaking kneading and squeezing and punching and other hand techniques. Some non-traditional kinds include stomping on the body using the smelly feet. Kung Fu massage, in contrast, uses Kung Fu skills like the 18 Dragon-Subduing Palms (降龍十八掌) and the Luo Han Fist (羅漢拳) to achieve maximum efficiency and effectiveness (in making the customer vomit blood and possibly go into coma).

The first and only place to offer the unique Kung Fu Massage is the new Grand Kung Fu Massage Parlour. Customers can be rest assured as the Kung Fu Massage Masters have received their certification from the Kung Fu Massage Academy after going through a 2-hours training session.

The list of services, descriptions, and prices are as follows:

18 Dragon-Subduing Palms
18 powerful strokes of the palm is delivered onto the back of the customer, with each subsequent palm of increasing strength. Customers rarely survive beyond the 9th stroke. By the 18th stroke, all the bones would have been broken and relocated, and then magically renewed.
Strength Level:
Suitable for: Severe backaches
Side effects:
Customer may perish from the merciless 18 powerful strokes of the palm (98% mortality rate). Customers are advised to wear full metal armors to cushion the strong impacts (must provide yourself!)
$1000 per hour

Skill: 5 Poison Palm
The Kung Fu Master's palm is infused with 5 of the top most lethal poisons in the world - Tanutama Tarantula Spider Venom, King Cobra's Urine, Snowy Poision Toad Saliva, Monster Lionhead Fish Pus, and the Electric Jellyfish Essence - and the poisons are transferred into the customer's body through the Master's palm. These powerful poisons can kill off other poisons that the customer suffers from.
Strength Level: 8/10
Suitable for: Poisoning
Side effects: The 5 poisons may be able to kill other poisons but there is no antidote for these 5 posons.
$999 per hour

Skill: Divine Flicking Finger (Yi Yang Zhi)
Just by a flick of a finger, any dislocated bone will be pushed back in place and any sore muscle spots will be healed. The whole process takes only a split second.
Strength Level: 5/10
Suitable for:
Sprains, bone dislocation, sore muscles
Side effects: None
Price: $88 per second

Dog Beating Stick
Description: Using the legendary Dog Beating Stick passed down from the Beggar Sect, the Kung Fu Master hits the customer's vital points and joints, inducing paralysis and severe internal injury. However, once total internal destruction takes place, the whole body will be renewed.
Strength Level: 9/10
Suitable for:
Whole body aches
Side effects:
Possible irrecoverable paralysis
$999 per hit

Skill: Luo Han Fist
Description: 18 Luo Han Masters take turns to deliver deadly punches onto the customer's body with their Bronze-coated fists. The customer ultimately either dies of internal injury or from smashed organs
Strength level:
Suitable for:
Stiff bones and muscles, broken bones
Side effects: Instant death
$777 per fist

Iron Head Skill
Using his powerful head - cultivated over centuries of head training on Mount Pra - the Master hits the customer's body to push dislocated bones back into position and to cure muscle aches.
Strength level: 9/10
Suitable for:
Dislocated or broken bones, muscle sores
Side effects:
Vomit blood
$1000 per hit of the head

Eagle Claw
Description: With long, unkempt, eagle-like talons, the Kung Fu Master uses the Eagle Claw skill to scratch the itchy spots of the customer's body.
Strength Level:
Suitable for:
Itchiness, rash
Side effects:
Risk of being shredded to pieces
Price: $799 per min

Skill: Golden Needles of Jade Bee
Master Xiao Long Nu from the Ancient Tomb Sect uses her patented Jade Bee Golden Needles to perform acupuncture for the customer. These needles are extremely rare and poisonous, and are very effective for treating arthritis.
Strength Level: 5/10
Suitable for:
Arthritis, various diseases
Side effects: kena posioned
Price: $1001 per needle

Breaking Ice Palm
Description: The Master channels his internal energy to generate cold icy palms and then through hitting onto the customer's body, the stiffness of the entire body is dispelled.
Strength level:
Suitable for:
Muscle and bone stiffness
Side effects: Hypothermia, cold
$999 per palm

Taiji Quan
Using painfully slow and gentle strokes of the palm to hit the customer's vital points, all sore muscles and joints are soothed with great effect.
Strength level:
Suitable for:
Mild muscle aches
Side effects: None, but the process takes a looooooooong time (at least 20 hours)
$999 per hour

Skill: Wing Chun Bitch Slaps
The Master delivers a series of powerful bitch slaps onto the customer's body using the famous Wing Chun skill. The customer's entire body is instantly healed from all maladies.
Strength level: 8/10
Suitable for:
Side effects:
redness and swelling from all the slapping
Price: $99 per slap

The Grand Kung Fu Massage Parlour is now open at Level 3 Bimbocity, Freaktopia.

Offer: 3% discount for first 100 customers.

Condition: Must be Starcup user

Reported by: Urban Geek

Monday, November 29, 2010

Allopia Spy School Opens New Campus in Sinkapula

Freaktopia - The prestigious education and training institute for young elites and child prodigies, Allopia Spy School, is opening a new campus on the sunny island of Sinkapula. The new campus will be headed by Mr Dumbdoor, who has previously led the Hogwash School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to the top of the College Ranking List in the Freaktopian Financial Times for 99 years in a row.

"I am very excited to join the Allopia Spy School, which has consistently produced the best spies, assassins, secret agents and other intelligence and espionage experts who have contributed greatly to the peace and chaos of Freaktopia and the Other Realm." Said Mr Dumbdoor in a press conference. According to the Director of Allopia Spy School, Mr Dumbdoor will be appointed as the Principal under a 999 years contract. During which, he will be paid an annual salary of $7.7 billion and a monthly bonus of $1.50.

The degrees and some of the modules offered for each track are as follows:
1. Ninja track
- Ninja History and Culture
- Japanese language Level 1 - 20
- Nanchaku skills Level 1 - 10
- Kata skills Level 1 - 15
- Invisibility Skills Level 1 - 10
- Tree Climbing & Jumping Skills Level 1 - 15

2. Assassin track
- Weapons theory
- Weapons practical 1: Assembly and disassembly
- Weapons practical 2: Shooting Level 1 - 20
- Sneaking Skills Level 1 - 20
- Disguising Skills Level 1 - 10
- Martial Arts (choice of Shaolin/Wudang/Emei/Foshan Sect Skills)
- Language Skills (Choice of 30 out of 50 languages offered)
- 1 year practical skills training at the Assassins Camp on Mount Ro

3. Hackers track
- Computer theory
- Hacking Basic Theory
- Hacking Skills Level 1 - 100
- Programming Skills Level 1 - 50
- Basic Spying Skills Level 1 - 5

4. Double Agent track (Choice of Triad Route or Police Route)
- Undercover Theory
- Guest Lectures and practical skills workshops by ex-undercover agents
- Undercover Skills Level 1 - 20
- Gangster Behavior and Mannerism OR Police Behavior and Mannerism
- Advanced Spying Skills Level 1 - 20
- Acting Classes Level 1 - 20

5. Detective track
- Detective Work Theory
- Forensic Theory Level 1 - 10
- Forensic Practical Level 1 - 10
- Intermediate Weapons Skills Level 1 - 5
- Intermediate Spying Skills Level 1 - 10
- Advanced Snooping Skills Level 1 - 20
- 1 year Attachment at CIA or FBI

There will be a students recruitment roadshow held on Mount Pra (location sponsored by Holy Immortal SSW) on 1st January 2012 (assuming no apocalypse occurs). Registration fee is $100000 - Admission not guaranteed unless you bribe the Registration officer with $999999999 and 2 mandarin oranges.

Talent scouts will also hunt all around Freaktopia and the Other Realm for talented candidates who can then be admitted to the new Allopia Spy School campus for free.

Reported by: Urban Geek

Sunday, November 14, 2010

News Flash! War and Beauties

Freaktopia (Mutabak Kingdom) – Kaneenabo, a leading company in the beauty industry, had recently launched its new product, Forever 91, at Bimbo City. Forever 91 is a much anticipated product by the bratty underage population of Freaktopia as it hastens the consumer’s maturity and accelerates aging. Inhabitants as young as newborns are clamouring for the immediate sale of Forever 91, ever since Kaneenabo announced its intention to research for a way to solve the young consumers’ issue with age limits since last millennium.

Due to the intense marketing and promotional activities by its competitor, Forever 21 Inc, and coupled with Forever 21’s miraculous Forever 21 Beauty Pills which grant the consumers everlasting youth and retained the looks they had when they were 21, all of Kaneenabo’s customers flocked over to Forever 21 Inc in an instant. As a result, the company suffered tremendous loss of profits and was on the brink of bankruptcy.

However, Kaneenabo decided to make a comeback by introducing a different and unique product of a contrasting nature to the Forever 21 beauty pills. Forever 91 causes the consumers to physically age so rapidly that they are 91 years old in the battling of a heavily-coloured eyelid, yet retaining their original mental age.

The company is glad to announce that the effect is permanent, irreversible and cannot be counteracted by the immortalising properties of any substance containing traces of Essence of SSW. Being matured externally, the underage consumer is able to watch R21 movies, purchase cigarettes and alcohol, purchase firearms, purchase or rent cars and enter clubs and brothels though his/her/its identification card says otherwise. Furthermore, Forever 91 allows the consumer to retain the visage they had when they were 91!

Ms Ah Ma, President of the Association of Endangered Elderly and the founder of the Institute for the Hopelessly Single, attended the product launch together with a truckload of old folks and an army of unmarried, unwanted and undesirable singles. “Forever 91is absolutely incredible!” exclaimed Ms Ah Ma excitedly before going into cardiac arrest. “I cannot remember how I look since I was 91,” quipped Mr Ah Pek, 92.

Forever 91, is now available in all major shopping centres, 7-11s, neighbourhood mama shops and elderly homes near you. Anyone with a birth certificate is entitles to an additional tax of 1700% for every purchase. Produce your receipt and enjoy a free matchmaking session with any candidate of your choice from the Institute for the Hopelessly Single.
- Reported by Duck Medium

Kaneenabo had submitted an official complaint, together with laboratory results from the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, to King Yama, ruler of the Other Realm, claiming that the Forever 21 beauty pill contained generous amounts of Essence of Immortal SSW, a mysterious substance that was scientifically and spiritually proven to grant irreversible immortality.

The complaint was made through the Duck Medium. The file caused King Yama to burst several major arteries as Forever 21 denied him his claim on spirits. The Other Realm had sent an order to stop all production and sale of Forever 21 to Princess Mutabak, the monarch ruling the Mutabak Kingdom with gauntleted fists.

“A recent treaty signed by Freaktopia, Heavenly Realm and the Other Realm stated the Essence of Immortal SSW as a Class S controlled substance as it is capable of causing widespread devastation to all planes of existence due to its invincible and irreversible immortalising property,” intoned the Princess Mutabak in a brain-dead voice.

“SSW Immortal Products could only be sold to certified immortals, deceased and those conducting celestial research at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak’s Department of Theoretical and Practical Immortality,” said the Princess after punching a Straights Times reporter full in the face when the deaf imbecile asked the Her Highness to repeat her previous statement.

“I, hereby, decree all consumers of Forever 21 to undergo Expiration Therapy at Freak Tock Seng Hospital until they are fully de-immortalised. Forever 21 Inc is to cease all production and sale immediately, although I would like to have a carton of it as a sample,” said the Princess Mutabak before retiring back to her Royal Palace and slamming the newly-replaced door off its hinges.

-additional reporting by Duck Medium

Sunday, November 7, 2010

News Flash! F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix

Eggplant Expressway (Veggiepura) – This year’s annual F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix will be held in Veggiepura after the vegetarian nation won the hosting bid by a huge margin as the other competitors’ representatives mysteriously vanished or wound up in the country’s mortuary in ash urns, cola bottles, packed into packets of NTUC minced pork.

“Veggiepura is proud to host this year’s F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix. We are confident of winning the hosting bid as lots of ‘preparation’ and ‘careful planning’ have been done to ensure success. The event will definitely garner lots of visitors from Freaktopia, the Heavenly Realm and the Other Realm as Veggiepura has worked hard to prevent live broadcast, online streaming, satellite spying and crystal ball viewing of the event,” said a spokesperson from Veggiepura’s Ministry of Information, Communication and Arts. It also mentioned that the country is going make the event the most exciting, costliest and bloodiest in the history of F5 racing.

The F5 Inter-realm Racing Committee (FIRC) revealed plans to select Veggiepura’s Eggplant Expressway as the race’s course. Eggplant Expressway boasts an impressive length of 987654321 km with a total of 987654321000 Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) gantries. Each gantry is located just 1 metre from the next and charges $100 for passing through it. To ensure that the country will not suffer from revenue loss, all participating vehicles will be installed with a device that blows up the vehicle and its driver with the force of 200 nuclear warheads should it try to pass through a gantry with insufficient cash. The Eggplant Expressway begins at the foot of Mount St. Salad and wound itself around the mountain’s treacherous slopes. It then enters the mountain at the summit, roller-coaster itself through the mountain’s pitch black interior and exit out into Scarecrow Field, which is populated by residential possessed scarecrows and spectral crows. According to the ruling of F5, racers are required to make 999 rounds around the race circuit to complete it.

The Freakstimes understands that the FIRC intends to have several racing vehicles sabotaged, coating the mountainous tracks with Extra-Slip Canola Cooking Oil and booby-trapping Scarecrow Field with ZGMF-666s Legendary Landmines. The sabotaged vehicles will have their brakes removes, wheels loosened and have a contorted Al-Thosai suicide bomber expertly planted and concealed beneath the driver’s seat. Meanwhile, coating the race tracks with cooking oil will give bookies all over Freaktopia to open more windows for illegal betting such as which particular racer will slip off the mountain to its death at the 554th corner and how many racers will zoom off the cliff at top speed.

Finally, the planting of landmines in Scarecrow Field will give racers trained in Minesweeper a chance to outstrip their speedier counterparts who are pondering over the possible mine locations for a time long enough for the Duck Medium to reincarnate several times. These are some of the actions the FIRC will be taking to give the F5 race a more exciting vibe and the surprise to keep the audience glued permanently to their seats.

“Of course, enthusiastic audiences are very much welcomed to join their favourite racers in the race by running beside them, or welding themselves to the vehicles,” said Mr Zhng Engine, the chairperson of the organising committee. He added that any additional ideas or efforts to increase the body count are much appreciated and will be placed into action without any delay. It is revealed that all funeral costs and repairs to damaged public and private properties will be handled by the racers.

F5, held annually in different parts of Freaktopia, is the grandest and most anticipated racing event in the history of Freaktopia. It involves highly-trained mutabaks travelling at a breakneck speed of 0.1mm per hour in professional racing trishaws. Over several uncountable millennia, the rules have mutated and today, racers are allowed to use vehicles such as unicycles and push carts. Several critics speculated that some might be using toy scooters, NTUC trolleys and wheelchairs installed with jet engines or propellers.

There has not been a champion since 35,000 BM (Before Mutabak) as all of the participants perished within 10cm of the starting line. It was forecasted by the High Summoner Urban Geek and Duck Medium that all of the racers will die from diseases, curses, accidents and other assorted misfortunes and unforeseen circumstances before the starting horn goes off. Several racers such as Ferrero Asshole and Michelle Shoemaker took the predictions very seriously and had employed the Duck Medium to bribe King Yama of the Other Realm to allow them to survive the race, although no promises of avoiding misfortunes such as loss of limbs, paralysis and permanent coma were made. “Maybe I might get a Replacement Slave from Shop N Slave to take my place,” said a paranoid Mr Asshole who started seeing death portents everywhere since the spiritual proclamations by the Medium and Summoner.

- Reported by Mr Sam Spoiler and additional reporting by F5 correspondent, Mr Bob Bodywork

Friday, October 15, 2010

News Flash! - Ministry of Education Makes Landmark Education Reform

Royal Urban University of Mutabak (Freaktopia) – Mutabak Kingdom’s top-ranking university, the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, might soon face intense academic and economic competition as the kingdom’s Ministry of Education decided (after several centuries of debate and procrastination) to remove the education sector’s barriers to entry, after being criticized by countless students (who failed to get a place) and parents, as a source of suicide, homicide, genocide and the cause of all sins, social ills and the ultimate destroyer of lives, future, families and dreams.

The decision to allow foreign universities from strange continents and alien lands to set up shop on the vast and expansive lands of Mutabak Kingdom is to explore and open up new sources of revenue for the empire, in other words; finding new, innovative and politically innocent ways to fleece unsuspecting citizens of their money. The Finance Ministry’s statement given to FreaksTimes claimed that the kingdom is in excellent financial health, although it said the additional national income could be used to invest in areas of research such as the improvement in immortality technology, betterment of spiritual infrastructure between Freaktopia and the Other Realm, and the making of curry missiles and other assorted spicy armaments to improve its national defense system.

Till date, only the Unknown University and Crampbridge University have successfully obtained the approval from the Ministry of Education via bribery and threats of culinary violence. Several applicants such as Harvest University, Woodbridge University and Imperial Fijian Institute of Cannibalism have submitted their applications together with enclosed bribes ranging from $7 to $999 trillion in cheque, cash or its equivalent.

At a press conference held at Allopia Spy School’s janitor’s closet, the Princess said: “with the influx of educational *cough* institutions from all over the place, we can all bear witness to more frantic students and kiasu parents trying to sabotage and do each other in, in the vain attempt of trying to graduate from school alive.” When asked on the expected mortality rate of students in Freaktopia, the Princess Mutabak sagely and coyly replied that more funeral directors are hired to handle the highly probable escalation in body count and homicide cases. Minister in the Princess’s Toilet advised parents to top up their offspring’s insurance and make necessary arrangements with the family coroner and funeral director should some lethal event misfortune befall on them.

Reported by: Duck Medium

Friday, September 17, 2010

Korean Billboard Chart of TOP HITS!!!

Korean songs are all the rage these days in Freaktopia! Let's check out the top Korean songs this week! And along the way, catch up on the latest, juicy news about your favourite Korean singers and girl and boy groups!

No. 1 - Somebody by Wonderful Girls

Wonderful Girls recently sang their no.1 hit song Somebody for the Princess of Murtabak at the Murtabak Palace, and their wonderful performance brought tears to the Princess's eyes as she is their number 1 fan.

No. 2 - Bananamama by Super Senior

Super Senior which has about 999 members at last count, recently released their new song called Banananoma (or Bomananama? Banomanoma? aye..whatever!). Their MTV features Banana in Pajamas dancing in a cheap warehouse with flickering lights)

No. 3 - Funeral Dress by Too Young

This very tragic song by Too Young made it to the Guineas (Pig) Records for selling 999,999,999 copies within 5 seconds. Apparently, this is because of the recent spate of mass migration to the Other Realm which led to a spike in funeral services and hence the playing of this very befitting song for the numerous farewell ceremonies.

No. 4 - Har??? by 5Minute

5Minute is an up and coming girl band with loads of talent (each member has more talent than all the SNSD members combined) and their latest song "Har???" promises to move you to your feet and groove along to their beat!

No. 5 - Arirang by Kim Boo Bum

This is the classic, all-time favourite Korean song. This song is actually in the Guineas (Pig) Record for holding its position in the Korean Billboard charts since 742984477 B.M. (Before Murtabak)!!!

Reported by: Lin Kim Park

Thursday, August 19, 2010

News Flash! - Forever21 Collaborates with Immortal SSW to Create Beauty Immortal Pills

Freaktopia - The creator of holy garments like the Ne Zha Scarf, The Invincible Holy Vest, the Violet Divine Tunic, the Ultimate Holy Bodysuit, the Heavenly Thunderpants, and the God-Blessed Headgear, has revolutionized the fashion world with its line of magic-empowered apparels since 1000 BM (Before Murtabaks) And now, it is set to bring its hordes of manic fans (usually recognized by their frothing at the mouth and bloodshot eyes) even more fantastic products, through its collaboration with the Holy Immortal SSW Corporation to produce Beauty Immortal Pills. According to sources (highly unreliable), these pills can keep the consumer young forever, just like what they look like at 21 years old!

"We are very excited about the collaboration and we hope that our fans will love the new products! As always, we are committed to our company mission to bring eternal youth to all who are willing to splurge ridiculously absurd sums of money on their appearance!" said Miss Jojo Jo, CEO of Forever21 Inc.

The kaypo reporter also had the rare opportunity to interview the Holy Immortal SSW, who had descended to Freaktopia from his abode on top of Mount Pra to participate in the ribbon-cutting and party-poppers popping session at Waffles Hotel. In fact, the Holy Immortal SSW only comes down to the mortal realm once every pink moon.

"I look forward to this collaboration between Forever21 and my company. I'm sure we can create amazing beauty pills with our powerful technology that is way ahead of time (possibly ahead of alien technologies as well). We look forward to making an insane amount of money out of this generation of image and youth-obsessed consumers!" said the Holy Immortal SSW.

The Forever21-SSW Beauty Immortal Pills is estimated to be priced at $999999 per bottle and is only available at Forever21 stores. Starcup users are entitled to 0.0001% discount.

On a side note, rival company Miss Selfish is rumoured to be planning a collaboration with the Allopia Spy School to create weapon-enhanced apparels, such as the self-detonating life-vest, landmine-studded T-shirt, and Flying Guillotine Hats. Fans of bloodied encounters have expressed great interest in these new products.

How will the competition between Forever21 and Miss Selfish pan out? Only time will tell...

Reported by: Urban Geek

Monday, August 16, 2010

Unclassified - Orbituary

Today, we celebrate the expiration of a whopping 2 citizens of Freaktopia. Join us as we cheer for their permanent exile to the Other Realm. As a parting gift for these expired souls, they will be awarded $500,000 (Hell notes) to spend in the underworld (only at Bimbocity, terms and conditions apply). Families of these souls will be given 1 year's supply of Kleenex tissue to cry with (by the kind generosity of The Tissue Company).

1. Miss Mee Soto, 39

Miss Mee expired unpeacefully on 7/7, leaving behind loved ones.

Cause of death: Watched the Ring tape on a 1000 inch TV, resulting in a curse that's magnified 1000 times in power.

Family members:
Father: Mee Siam
Mother: Wanton Mee
Brother: Mee Pok

Sister: Mee Kia

2. Mrs Meh Meh

Mrs Meh Meh departed for the other realm peacefully, leaving behind loved ones.

Cause of death: Mrs Meh Meh died from her obsessive compulsive disorder in counting sheeps. She counted up to over 1000000000000 before passing away in grief when she realized that Freaktopia does not have that many sheeps.

Family members:
Son: Mah Meh Mo
Daughter: Ma Mee

P.S: Freaktopian Casket Association is currently facing a shortage of undertakers. Interested and qualified parties are encouraged to apply at The Freaktopian National Cemetary.

- hold a degree in Undertaker course at any Poison Ivy League Colleges.
- trained in controlling hordes of hopping vampires at the Zhang Taoist School
- minimum 100 years experience preferred
- fresh graduates may apply as graduate trainees under Grand Master Jiang Shi Dao Zhang.

Reported by: Urban Geek

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Joke of the day - Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

News Flash! - A Series of Unfortunate Events

Freaktopia - The Divine Duck Medium was sent to the Intensive Care Unit at the FreakTockSeng Hospital after a freak accident which resulted in his Memory Leakage Disease. According to the incompetent Brain Specialist Dr. Pang Sai, the Duck Medium's memory was leaking at a shocking rate of 1000 metre cube per second, enough to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool every minute.

A close acquaintance of the Duck Medium said that his memory leakage was probably caused by one of his divine rituals which went haywire. According to him, the accident happened when the Duck Medium was conducting a Rain Calling Ritual on top of Waffles Tower. He was chanting the Rainfall Incantation and swinging his wooden sword and throwing rice everywhere when he accidentally knocked over the bowl of rice with his inept sword-swinging. This incurred the wrath of the Rain God, resulting in the major floods and thunderstorm. The suay Duck Medium was thus struck by a lighting, causing his memories to leak.

Dr Pang and his team of useless brain surgeons are frantically finding ways to plug the rupture in his brain to stop the memory leakage, but it was believed that they would need at least 20 years to find a viable solution. At the moment, his memory leakage is causing a major pollution to the environment, where Freaktopian citizens are complaining of seeing apparitions of gruesome images of mastication and hallucinating morbid visions. Mindfreak Consultants have been called in to alleviate the situation. Mindfreak Consultants CEO Criss-cross Angel said gravely, "This is certainly one of the worst problems we have encountered. We need to mop up the leaked memories floating around in Freaktopia. This is a tricky situation. I just want this to be over and I want my life back."

Furthermore, as a result of this unfortunate incident, the Duck Medium Corporation stock prices plunged more than 700%. Investors are committing suicide left, right, centre, up, down and sideways. The War Street is certainly seeing one of the worst financial crisis in its history (the worst happened during the Mutabak vs Prata Wars in 99B.M.)

Meanwhile, the Reverend Duck Medium has been reduced to a vegetative state at the FreakTockSeng Hospital. The Veggiepura Minister has expressed interest to take him in as its new citizen. However, the Princess of Mutabak refused his offer because she still considers the Duck Medium as a valuable asset to Freaktopia. She has called for a grand operation to collect the leaked memories and transfer them back into his brain.

Will Duck Medium rise again? Only time will tell.

Reported by Urban Geek

Monday, July 19, 2010

News Flash! - Green War between Veggiepura vs. Fruitopia

Freaktopia – It seems that trouble is blossoming between the vegetable kingdom of Veggiepura and the fruity republic of Fruitopia as the two vegetarian superpowers are taking up arms over a recent dispute over who is to be the rightful of a Jurassic Age greenhouse containing the fossilised remains of several prehistoric fruits and vegetables resting peacefully in pots of volcanic stone.
The ancient architecture and its contents are of great importance to both nations as it concerns their national identity, ancestry and heritage. Both Veggiepura and Fruitopia are claiming the ruin as theirs as it represents their vegetative might and power, as well as an essential part of an elaborate scheme to expand their influence well beyond the green borders.
Uncannily, both parties expressed no intention to expand their empires into the vast territory of Mutabak Kingdom. Dialogues between Veggiepura and Fruitopia have crumbled like a poorly baked apple crumble, and ended in death threats and promises to send Carrot Missiles V4 and Avocado Bomb MK-II flying across the crow-infested skies of Freaktopia. However, Mutabak Kingdom’s timely intervention in the cross-border conflict saved both vegetative nations before they get themselves smashed, peeled, splattered and cooked in a juicy battle that sprang from a purile bicker.

According to the historians at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, the ancient ruin is known as Necroherbopolis, City of the Dead Plants. Their musty, yellowed and worm-eaten history textbooks revealed that the Necroherbopolis was a sacred ground where fruits and vegetables, once a unified race, took turns to sacrifice each other to their vegetarian deity on the holy Altar of Sacrifice’s chopping board, so as to have their prayers for fertile soil, baking sun and flooding rains answered.

Historical records of Veggiepura and Fruitopia concurred with the historians’ theory of the hourly fights taking a toll on the plants’ population, which caused an extended and aggressive argument to break-out on the streets and mutate into a full-fledged civil war, ending in the slaughter of the last ruler of Necroherbopolis, Emperor Nightshade de Mandrake XXVII, and the eventual separation of fruits and vegetables into their respective separate nations today. As a result, the Necroherbopolis came to be used as a burial ground for expired (shrivelled, rotten or dried) fruits and vegetables.

The Necroherbopolis was discovered by pure coincidence when the Gullwings Exploration Corporation’s airship, the Celsius, crash-landed in the Kopi Desert due to a mysterious combination of engine failure, technical problems and a hopelessly drunk Rikku at the steering wheel. The Celsius nosedived from an impressive altitude of 99,999 feet above the stratosphere and crashed into an unknown mountain in the mountainous range of Masalasia.

The forceful collision obliterated the eastern flank of the mountain, releasing an avalanche which buried 300 villages (with total population of 650,000) and in turn caused the extinction of the Masalsian aboriginal race of Pisang Goreng, which has been living in poverty since the creation of Freaktopia and has been hailed as a national liability. In the process, a hidden stone entrance, inscribed with ancient herboglyphs, was revealed. Stone statues of the guardian deities of Veggiepura and Fruitopia, Lord Carrotcake and Lord Applepie, guarded the entrance to the prehistoric site.

The YRP decided to play on the safe side of caution as the ancient and incomprehensible herboglyphs might mean a death curse or the activation of destructive spells such as Mega-Flare or Ultima, which are highly capable of obliterating the party in an instant. Hence, the trio employed the High Summoner, who had recently earned her Doctor's Degree in Vegetarian Studies and was awarded an honorary degree in Botanical Pathology and Management, to translate the lost squiggles left behind by ancient plants.

The Duck Medium was hired to liaise with the lingering botanical spirits to allow the exploration team to safely excavate and document the site, learn more of the Necroherbopolis, unearth hidden history, and perhaps rewrite some historical records which are riddled with inconsistencies and errors, for the benefit of both Veggiepura and Fruitopia, and ultimately, for the good of the denizens of Freaktopia.

Unfortunately, the excavation of the Necroherbopolis did not seem to go smoothly for the Gullwings Exploration Corporation as Veggiepura and Fruitopia began exchanging explosive greetings in the early hours, which caused several titanic stone slabs to fall from the ceiling onto a few unfortunate laborers. The explosions also caused the comatose spirits to lose their beauty sleep and become extremely moody, grouchy and foul-tempered.

As time progressed, the option of spiritual negotiations with the stubborn, unfriendly and childish herbal apparitions got unceremoniously thrown out of the window as they became extremely fond of throwing tantrums, possessing innocent workers and hurling heavy fossils and curses at the team. An exasperated Duck Medium and a snapped High Summoner submitted a petition to Emperor Lettuce and President Durian to grant them the permission to exorcise the horde of annoying botanical poltergeists.

As farms continue to be burnt and cratered by Carrot Missiles V4 and greenhouses demolished by Avocado Warhead MK-II, it is the citizens of Fruitopia and Veggiepura who are suffering the consequence of their ruler’s warlike behaviour. Hundreds and thousands of plants uprooted themselves and fled their burning homeland. They are risking lethal dehydration and potential withering by trekking across the expansive Kopi Desert to seek refuge in Mutabak Kingdom, who swore to welcome them into its hot and oily non-stick frying pans.
It appears that the war between the two botanical superpowers is beginning to take a toll on the multi-verse of Freaktopia as the denizens on that chaotic plane of existence are starting to experience withdrawal symptoms due to the lack of nourishing greens in their diet. The battle is very unlikely to be over soon and the Very United Nations are too afraid of incurring the herbal wrath of Veggiepura and Fruitopia, lest they decide to deny the world of its supply of vitamins.

- Reported by Duck Medium and additional reporting by Tai Chin Chai

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

News Flash!

Heavenly Realm (Existing somewhere in Freaktopia) – The recent theft of the secret Meng Po’s Soups and Meng Mei’s Congee recipes has raised concerns among the Enlightened Ones and Divine Beings as those recipes, if misused, could easily plunge the multi-verse of Freaktopia into a boiling stew of disaster, mayhem, chaos and catastrophe.

Although many are scoffing at the theft of the recipes; ridiculous scraps of paper with noxious ingredients and impossible-to-follow cooking instructions scribbled in an illegible handwriting, the leaders of Freaktopia are pooling their resources to recover those stolen cooking instructions.

The question, at present, posed by the general unsympathetic and hopelessly ignorant denizens of the Freaktopian multi-verse is why is everyone slogging their guts out and risking their limb, life and sanity just to retrieve some cooking recipes written on poor-quality foolscap paper?

The General concept of Freaktopians is that the recipes were written by the Meng Sisters whenever they were suddenly inspired by a festering cockroach or a well-flattened road-kill. However, it is unknown to the common folk that Meng Po and Meng Mei had received divine inspirations for their signature dishes, which were bestowed upon them by the Cooking God, who witnessed their passion for cooking. He was touched by their unwavering devotion to cooking despite a lifetime of failure, several demolished kitchens, numerous food poisoning lawsuits and causing countless to fall victim to their lethal by-product of a dish. In return, the Cooking God received payment in the form of burnt paper offerings made by the grateful Meng Sisters.

Due to his failure, or perhaps negligence to report his additional income to the Tax Revenue Authority of Heaven (TRAH), the Cooking God was charged with gross tax evasion. In addition to his crime, the deity would also be slapped on the felony of rendering assistance to dangerously hopeless mortal beings, who possessed the propensity to create chaos and unleash unnecessary death on the Freaktopian plane of existence, which could adversely affect the well-being of the Heavenly Realm.

At present, the Other Realm has yet to make any comments on the arrest of the Cooking God, though it expressed its delight of seeing the Heavenly realm plunge into chaos and panic. Due to the arrest of the Cooking God, the deity was unable to give his blessings to keep kitchen accidents at bay, which resulted in chefs all over Freaktopia to suffer from severed fingers, first degree burns, acute food poisoning and dying in explosions due to leaking gas cylinders.

The Union of Incapacitated and Permanently Disabled Chefs (UIPDC) is drafting a petition to the Supreme Celestial Court to demand the release of the Cooking God, before all in the profession are wiped out by mundane catastrophes. Should the Supreme Celestial Court refuse to accede to the mortals’ request, the humans will starve the gods of paper offerings, which could severely cripple both the realm’s economy and the gods’ powers.

Although the recipes were secured in a top-notch Goldilocks Safe Ver. XXX and with security of the building enhanced multi-fold by nearly infinite layers of Goldilocks Security Systems Omega Calculus and curses laid by the Duck Medium, High Summoner and Immortal SSW, the mysterious burglar still managed to make off with the entire safe amid activations of highly destructive spells that caused damage on a scale rivalling a dimensional nuclear war.

The theft incident at the Meng Sisters Food & Beverage Headquarters has thrown the Enlightened Union into blind panic as it is trying to obtain a arrest warrant to throw the Duck Medium, High Summoner and Immortal SSW behind the bars of the Celestial Gaol, for their safety and to protect their divine secrets from falling into the wrong limbs.

Meanwhile, the Buddha Association beseeched the holy Immortal SSW to increase the security of his secrets and factories as his pills possesses extremely immortalising properties which could cause any unrepentant sinner to immediately attain nirvana and become a Buddha, soiling the sanctity of Buddhahood and creating an uncontrollable influx of illegal celestial immigrants.

The High Summoner’s spells of pure rage, devastating destruction and instant death were so powerful that they could decimate the multi-verse of Freaktopia in a flash. Similarly, the Duck Medium is unconcerned about the safety of its Psyduck’s Grimoire of Fowl Spells as the ancient tome is written in an otherworldly language that could only be comprehended by the Duck Medium and its distant cousin, Count Duckcula.

“I have hidden my High Summoner’s Textbook revised addition beneath the Royal Urban University of Mutabak’s library. Of course, the path to my Textbook is fraught with danger as it is guarded by instant death traps, unsolvable puzzles and a horde of carnivorous vegetative guardians such as Rogue Tomatoes, Deadly Nightshade, Onion Knights and my all-time favourite plant in Freaktopia; M-A-L-B-O-R-O,” said the High Summoner Urban Geek. “in addition, I have summoned by Dark Aeons, as well as throwing in impossible-to-defeat bosses like Omega Weapon, Ruby Weapon, Asthma, Penance and Whiskey the Imperial Irritating Canine of Mutabak Kingdom,” elaborated the High Summoner on her choice of tough and annoying guardians to protect her arcane secrets. Goldilocks awarded the High Summoner’s security system the rank of Absolutely-Not-Worth-My-Life-To-Rob.

Finally, the Immortal SSW's Scroll of Enlightening Pills is rumoured to be missing somewhere in time as the Immortal SSW was supposedly to have hidden it in some prehistoric era, and developed Leaky Memory subsequently. The scroll is bathed in layers of corrosive mucus, lethal saliva and encrusted in a thick shell of Immortal Body Dirt Amour, which is impervious to lasers, explosives, blades, drill and magic. It is also common-sense that the magical document is protected by foul-tempered T-rexs, PMS-ing Aerodactyls, rampaging Triceratops and the almighty Megazord from Power Rangers. The Immortal SSW’s security system was given the rank of Perish-The-Thought by Goldilocks.

With the Freaktopian multi-verse pooling together all of its dwindling resources, would the Meng Sisters be able to recover their mayhem-causing recipes or would the situation become as irrecoverable as spilt Meng Po Toxic Soup? As the three realms of existence continue to race against time, an unknown perpetrator is hiding in some kitchen, stewing a strange, noxious and congealing plot to lay ruin to Freaktopia. Could the culprit be a jealous rival of the Meng Sisters or perhaps an accomplice of the TFM-Stephanie-Al Thosai Alliance?

- Reported by Mr Chiak Buay Tua

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Unclassified Advertisements

Miss Tanutama's Pet Shop

We sell: Tarantula spiders and Tanutamas
Location: 9 Tanutama Lane, Freaktopia
Price: Ranging from $0.05 for a house spider to $9999999 for our rarest King Tanutama Spider

CD-LAMA (Tibet Branch)

We sell:
- Buddhist Scripts (Books and Audio) --- $2.50 each
- Buddhist Preaching (Audio and video) --- $7 each
- Buddhist Rock & Roll (CD and DVD) --- Price depends on the rock band (see below)
1. Nirvana: $1000
2. Linking Parts: $899
3. Limp Cookies: $720
4. The Crumbling Stones: $660
5. Coldpray: $550
- How to be a Taoist (VCD) --- $90
- How to conduct rituals (DVD) -- $120
- Ritual Accidents (Blue Ray) ---$1999

"Lama nama mama come to laa laa, namo amitopho..hom money money hom..."

Location: Top of the Pagoda, 5 Buddha-Fingers Mountain, 7 Buddha Road, Freaktopia
Reported by: Duck Medium
Edited by: Urban Geek

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

News Flash! - News in 1 Minute

Mutabak Kingdom (Freaktopia) – Last night, at approximately the haunting hour of 1 am, there was a break-in at 911 Siow Building at 99th Heavenly Avenue. The 841- storey high skyscraper is where the headquarters of the Meng Sisters Food & Beverage International located in. Investigations by the Mutabak Police Force revealed signs of forced entry and that not a single penny was stolen from the cashier till[1], but a safe full of secret recipes for Meng Po’s soups and Meng Mei’s congees had vanished into the thin air. The office where the safe was placed is splattered with blood, entrails, gore, leftovers and an unidentified green substance. Chemical analysis revealed the green substance to be vomit and the police concluded that either the culprit or victim have projectile vomited all over the office’s walls and ceiling.

“According to our not-so-thorough investigation, we discovered that the Meng Sisters have several jealous rivals in the food and beverage industry. Loy Kee’s Worst Chicken Rice, Boo Dong Kee and Whiskie’s Connoisseur Cuisine are among our 24-page long list of prime suspects, which also include the convenience shop located in an ulu corner of Beggar Lane,” said Senior Inspector Masalah Mati. He intended to haul the suspects down to the station for intensive interrogation. Mr Mati said he would try to apprehend the culprits as soon as possible, though Freakstimes’s reporter Mr Kaypoberry had insider’s information that claimed the senior inspector to be a hopelessly lazy lout.

“I estimated at least 12 have perished in the office as the amount of offal, volume of blood and piles of leftovers are simply rough approximations of the death toll. It is the number of heads left all over the place that gave my forensics team the clue,” said a forensic personnel who declined to be named for fear of sacking and assassination. “furthermore, I daresay the twelve consists of a confusing mixture of culprit, victim and kaypo toilet cleaners, hostages, oblivious colleagues and perhaps a security guard sleeping on the job,” he concluded. The forensic report revealed that the office’s shredding machine, espresso machine and a mop are the primary murder weapons, though it seems that the culprits have made effective use of the 840th storey’s windows.

The theft of the secret recipes was so huge a blow to the Meng Sisters to bear that they were reduced to a useless weeping heap on the floor. Neither the police nor Freakstimes’s army of persistent and busybody reporters could pry any information out of the crying, weeping, sobbing and wailing pair whom are doing a splendid job of flooding the area with their tears. “Without our recipes, we can’t sell jack!” wailed a thoroughly distraught Meng Po, who proceeded to swoon into a dead faint and had to be sent to Freak Tock Seng Hospital for Expiration Therapy. A report from the hospital showed that the sisters have been receiving treatment for Terminal Leaky Memory. And without the guidance and detailed instructions of the recipes, kitchen catastrophes and culinary disasters are bound to ensue and would end with their customers living healthier and with extended longevity.

The Mutabak Police Force is under tremendous pressure applied by the overly-concerned public, a hysterical pair of wailing Meng Sisters and a furious royal patron; Queen Mutabak I. With time racing against them, will the useless and overweight legal force crack the tough-as-a-walnut case or will they crack under its strain?

- Reported by Adam S. Apple. Additional reporting by Kaypoberry and Duck Medium

News Flash! Special Feature on Veggiepura

Veggiepura (Somewhere in Freaktopia) – Established nearly thirty million years ago, in the year 32010 B.M. (Before Mutabak), the Gullwings Exploration Corporation had constantly been on the move to explore the wild, insane, ever-expanding, mysterious and impossible lands of Freaktopia for the benefit of Freak-kind. Ever since its ground-breaking discovery of the incomprehensible universe of the Heavenly realm and excavation of the long-lost civilization of Euthanasia, the Gullwings Exploration Corporation has yet to create another tombstone in its career for nearly twenty-nine thousand years.

Facing mounting criticisms from the highly critical Sinkapooreans and complaints from its investors, stockholders and board of directors, the Gullwings’ YRP (Yuna Braska, Rikku and Paine) could bear the incessant naggings no more and stormed off to the Imperial Library of the Royal Urban University of Mutabak at Mount Pra to conduct research on decaying scrolls and worm-ravaged tomes scribbled in childish squiggles by rheumatic hands.

After being buried by several lethal avalanches of collapsing mountains of books, fistfuls of hair being torn out in frustration and throwing tantrums befitting the member of a royal Mutabak family, the YRP finally chanced upon an ancient tome written in characters resembling vegetables. The trio concluded that the book might lead to the discovery of a new land in Freaktopia inhabited by vegetables walking on stubby little legs, as well as a way to shut the traps of the public and its investors for several seconds before they begin their tirade anew.

Engaging the assistance of the revered Duck Medium, who was taking a well-deserved break at its cousin’s, Count Duckula’s, private villa after making endless pilgrimages to the sacred Mount Ro to pray for the recovery of the collapsing Freaktopian economy (refer to Money-Faced section for more information on Freaktopia’s financial woes), to decipher the ancient herboglyphs, the YRP learned that the book is a field guide to locating the powerful and aggressive vegetable nation; Veggiepura. Upon the full translation of the vegetarian text, the Duck Medium entered into a trance and predicted that the Mutabak Kingdom will prosper if it manages to beat the vegetables into submission. This prediction was presented to Princess Mutabak who immediately summoned her court and had shut themselves up in the State Room ever since, with whispers of conspiracy and schemes floating out of the door’s keyhole.

After trekking across the Congee Jungle, climbing the Hombalaya Mountain Range (a distant geological relative of Mount Pra and Mount Ro), swimming across the piranha-infested Pathetic Ocean and nearly perishing at the cannibalistic appetite of native Fijians, the Gullwings Exploration Corporation finally arrived at the borders of Veggiepura. Strangely, the Duck Medium appears to understand the dialect of Veggiepura and began to engage the Onion Knights, standing guard at the city gates, in a heated debate over the ethical implications of enforced vegetarianism, which earned the party an audience with the monarch of Veggiepura; Emperor Lettuce Le Veggiepura.

Veggiepura is a kingdom which is extremely rich in vegetative resources and mineral water, as well as potent fertilizers which could enable a desert to grow into a jungle within an hour. Its military might is not to be underestimated as its soldiers are trained to choke their enemies to death by stuffing themselves down the throats of their foes. A deadly arsenal of highly radioactive Toadstool Missile AK-222 and Pumpkin King XXX-4 are effective deterrents to potential invaders as each contains an explosive force of 5000 super novas. Despite the vast distance between Mutabak Kingdom and Veggiepura, the Princess Mutabak is attempting to establish diplomatic ties with the vegetable empire via Spirit Conference, an arcane technique of communicating with others over long distances by speaking through a medium connected to the Trance Spiritual Airwaves. The ignorant and obstinate Emperor Lettuce was rudely refusing all the generous terms offered by the Princess Mutabak, which caused several of his Ministers of Trade and Finance to faint as they calculate the astronomical amount of revenue the Emperor is refusing. In addition, the Minister of Foreign Affairs died of acute cardio failure when the Princess Mutabak demanded to speak to him. However, Emperor Lettuce yielded to the conditions laid by the Imperial Princess of Mutabak when she finally snapped (as she had completely lost it) and screamed to decimate the vegetables with the nation’s latest and most sadistic weapon; the Thousand Spice Chicken Curry Warhead MK-IV. If the diplomatic dialogue goes well, Mutabak Kingdom would be able to procure an extremely cheap source of yeast, which could be obtained by executing the death row prisoners whom are festering beneath the Fernleaf National High Security Prison, located in the Poison Ivy Wastelands just 5000 km from the capital of Veggiepura.

Discovery of Veggiepura and the establishing of diplomatic ties between Mutabak Kingdom and vegetable nation soon reached the ears of the kaypo Mutabakians, who suddenly realized the hidden potential of vegetables, and soon there is a roaring market for the vegetable trade. The Immortal SSW had requested the Gullwings to export some of Veggiepura’s citizens to his laboratory in the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, as he wanted to study their anatomy and learn how vegetables are able to move about, and more importantly, to find out if Veggiepureans will increase the potency of his immortal pills. Simultaneously, the Meng Sisters are also demanding fresh samples of Veggiepureans as they want to use them in their culinary experiments to produce new dishes to satisfy the customers’ palate, provide interesting dining sensations and experiences, and to hasten their expiration. Prata, too, had jumped into the fray to obtain illegal and rare specimens of Veggiepureans as his tingling fashion sense tells him that Potato skin Bags and Celery heels would be the fashion of that season.

Upon the discovery of Veggiepura, the shares of Gullwings Exploration Corporation are expected to rise for the next few days. The YRP will also be able to enjoy a few days of peace and quiet until the board of directors and shareholders decided to start complaining to break the silence. To credit the exploration team for its efforts, the Imperial Princess of Mutabak bestowed the YRP the Order of Masala, the Second highest honor given to a civilian citizen of the Oily Empire of Mutabak.
- Reported by Duck Medium and additional reporting by Urban Geek

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Unclassified - Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe

The newest shop to spring up along the Backstreet Night Market (owned by Backstreet Boys) is the Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe. The extremely kaypo reporter, Mr Kaypoberry made a trip down to the Cafe, which is tucked away in a very ulu corner of the Backstreet to dig out some juicy news for you greedy and gluttony readers.

The first thing that the reporter noticed when he stepped into the shop was that the owner looked very familiar. In fact, he is Mr Kana Sai, the hot favorite in the last Martial Arts Competition held last century!

Run by Mr Kana Sai, who was previously popularly featured in Freakstimes's bi-millenium Martial Arts Competition, the sushi cafe carries a huge variety of sushis, ranging from the usual fare to the downright out-of-this-world range of sushis.

"After failing to win the championship title in the Martial Arts Competition, I decided to give up fighting and focus on my other favourite pastime instead - making sushis!" Said Mr Kana Sai, while rolling the rice into balls with his hands (which wasn't washed after he stepped out of the toilet).

"I love making different kinds of sushis! We should have more varieties of sushis than what is currently served in all those common mainstream japanese restaurants!" Mr Kana Sai added excitedly, spluttering his saliva into the sushi balls.

Currently, he is the sole owner of his cafe without any employees because he has no money. But he is looking to hire Sushi Interns who are willing to accept below minimum wage and be severely overworked and starved.* (details below). Interested parties may apply directly at his shop.

Our Kaypo reporter tasted 99% of the 9999 varieties of sushis and below are the best ones he picked out:

1. Nuclear Wasabe Bomb sushi
Ingredients: 99% wasabi, 1% rice
Description: This sushi is made using a ladle of top-grade wasabe from the Mountains of Osaka, added on top of 5 grains of rice. This sushi is perfect for wasabe lovers. Additional wasabe can be added at $28 per ladle.
Warning: You may suffer from permanent throat damage. Estimated to affect 99% of customers.

2. Tamade Goni Sushi
Ingredients: Egg, rice, and fresh seaweed
Description: A messy goo of rotten half-boiled egg is mixed with some rice and rolled into balls, and then wrapped with seaweed which is fresh from the Sentosa Sea. The salty seaweed apparently goes really well with the rotten egg taste!
Warning: Severe diarrhoea may result, and more critical cases may lead to coma.

3. Kaninabe Sushi
Ingredients: Crab meat, spider eggs, and rice
Description: Minced crab meat is mixed with Thousand Pagoda Thai Chili Sauce and Tanutama Tarantula Spider eggs, and the delicious concoction is placed on top of rolled up rice, and then wrapped with pandan leaf like Bachang.
Warning: Tanutama Tarantula Spiders may emerge after you unwrap the Bachang. In the event that this happens, please don't eat the spiders as they are extremely endangered species, and you should send them to the SPCA (Spiders Protection and Care Assocation).

4. Kanasai Sushi
Ingredients: Rotten eggpplant, bread mould, chicken backside essence, Smelly Toufu, and thousand year old durian, mixed in spoilt Dutch Lady Yoghurt and placed on top of rice washed with fishtank water, and wrapped with barbecued seaweed.
Description: The signboard dish of Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe, this sushi flavour is proclaimed by Mr Kana Sai as his favourite and best innovation. Indeed, Kaypoberry's verdict was that it truly lives up to its name as tasting like shit.

5. Kaneena Sushi
Ingredients: ikan bilis, banana skin, asparagus, and tree bark, all mashed up and added on top of rice and wrapped in freshly-mowed grass (who says you have to use seaweed?)
Description: The mush of highly incompatible ingedients created such a huge clash of taste that even a person with no taste-buds would faint and foam at the mouth from the extremely flavourful mixture.

6. Cow Peh Cow Bu Sushi
Ingredients: sliced beef marinated in dishwater, wrapped over rice and then sprinkled with sawdust
Description: For beef lovers, this sushi uses premium beef specially imported from the Mad Cow Disease Farm in Sinkapula. Even the dishwater is specially imported from the Hilton Hotel in Old York.
Warning: people without Mad Cow Disease may have a 80% of contracting the disease, while those with Mad Cow Disease would be 100% cured after eating this sushi.

7. Sibeh Sialan Sushi
Ingredients: Fishball, fried Kway teow and fried carrot cake, mashed up and mixed in Maggi Goreng sauce, and added on top of Loy Kee's Worse chicken rice, and then wrapped in popiah skin.
Description: This is one unique sushi with a local flavour for Sinkapulans! A must try for tourists who wish to have a taste of all our notorious local dishes, all at once!

8. Honi Kishi Sushi
Ingredients: Poison Toad meat, Lionfish meat, and box jellyfish, mixed in cobra venom and wrapped in Posion Ivy flower petals
Description: The most powerful, deadly, and wicked sushi of the lot, this sushi is not for the faint-hearted! Permanent incapacitation and even instant expiration is almost guaranteed! But probably worth it for the single, split-second taste of the legendary sushi. No doubt, and true to its name, it promises to kill you after eating it!
Warning: Customers are advised to apply for insurance before eating this sushi so that your family members will be well taken care of in the future in the event of your sudden departure to the other realm.

Customers who spend above $999 will get a $0.99 voucher for Kanenabo cosmetics products! *Redeemable only at Bimbocity.

*Sushi Interns

Interns will learn to make all kinds of sushis and also be forced to wash all the dishes, mop the floors, serve customers, wipe tables, basically the role will be a "Bao Ga Liao" one.

- must be PhD holders in Sushi Studies
- be able to churn out 99 sushis per minute
- must not be SNSD fans
- Wondergirls fans will be an advantage

Reported by: Urban Geek

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

News Flash! 600 Died in Road Race

~ Where Mr Bull Head and Mr Horse Face Flatten the news out for you! ~

Freaktopia - On a very unmemorable day on 18/2/5000BC, Freaktopia's national last-ranking college organized an event called the Road Race. (The college is Freaktopiana Junior College - where all goons, fools, morons, and other assorted stupid people go)

As Freaktopiana Junior College (FJC) has a notorious reputation for being extremely superstitious, the principal hired the Great Grand Seer to do a divination prior to the event. As fate would have it, the Great Grand Seer collapsed and fainted upon stepping into the college, even before the divination rites could be conducted. The Seer suddenly convulsed and started doing the "duck-medium" trance (she paid the Duck Medium to teach her). She made a cryptic comment (maybe a prediction) that the school has a very idiotic aura and the aura would cause the students to shorten their lives by 50 years and for teachers, 80 years.

FJC holds a reputable record for the highest number of students dying each year and teachers as well. Last century, FJC saw 946 students pass away due to stress, suicide, love affairs, bankruptcy, etc while 57 teachers died from excessive loss of blood due to Hae Mo Blood Vomitting Syndrome (teachers contract this disease after 2 days of teaching and the disease often escalates to terminal stage within 7 days.)

Seconds before the Road Race, the school reminded the students to call their lawyers to write their wills and last testaments and to bade farewell to their friends and family before they depart. The route is a total of 4800km and the students have to run across the PIE, BKE, SLE, CTE, and all other combinations of 3 letters - 49 rounds. And also for the last lap, students are required to run along the Bulldozer Flyover where bulldozers travel at the speed of 1000km/s.

The Race lasted for 50 days, after which the race ended when the last snail entered the school gate and died due to excessive blood loss and missing lower body. 4 days before the Race ended, the Bulldozer Flyover collapsed as 104 bulldozers were jammed due to too many body parts being stuck in the engines, rendering the vehicles immobile.

As a result, it caused a major pileup of 200 bulldozers and explosion with the force of 100 nuclear warheads, taking 600 students together with all the bulldozer drivers to heaven.

Fortunately, the remaining surviving students suffered only permanent damage such as loss of limbs, mangled body, missing lower body, paralysis, multiple and irreparable fractures etc which the insurance companies refused to pay for unless threatened by lawyer letters (must be from Lee Law Firm).

The Mass Funeral will take place on 31 Dec 5000 BC at the Pulau Hantu Landfill (where dead students are reminded to arrange for their own burial and call their family priest to chao du them) at 12 midnight.

Attendance is compulsory. Absentees will be expelled unless parents threaten to complain to the Ministry of Education.

Reported by Mr Bull Head and Mr Horse Face

(By Duck Medium, Edited by Urban Geek)

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Funny quotes of the day

Some funny quotes from
(click on image to enlarge)

Reported by: Urban Geek

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Disease Compendium Part II - Paranormal and Abnormal Diseases

1) Pregnancy

“I feel… [retch]… pregnant”

Symptoms: morning sickness, afternoon sickness, evening sickness, whole-day sickness, mood swings, expanding waistline, suicidal depression.

Causes: having the insane desire to spawn a spoilt brat. Rare causes of Pregnancy might be due to spiritual possessions or cross-dressing in a maternity dress.

Mortality rate: 95%. Mortality is often due to spoilt brat driving the parents to their grave. Severe cases result in entire clan committing suicide out of frustration, irritation or shame.

Cure: Abortion or intentional miscarriage

Preventive measure: Permanent sterilization

2) Mad Corpse Disease

Symptoms: stench of decomposition lingering all over the place. Corpse will appear to be deranged and continuously froth at the mouth. Constant growling noises and scratching actions may signify a very hungry and murderous corpse is on the loose.

Causes: feeding unrefined Duck Matter to National Cadet Corpse. Common cause of Mad corpse Disease involves subjecting dead bodies to radioactive factory waste. Failed voodoo rituals or Duck Medium impersonation may result in catastrophic scale of Mad Corpse epidemic.

Mortality Rate: depends largely on the corpse’s killing and destructive capabilities. Death rate may vary according to the number of corpse infected and location of infection.

Warning: do not attempt to bring infected corpse home. Keep corpse clear of canines. Do not use common salt, sea water or drain water on corpse as they will cause it to projectile vomit Caustic Corpse Acid, which is capable of dissolving diamond.

Recommended Treatment: Use Phoenix Down, Purifying Salt or Holy Water. Spells such as Holy and Full-Life will cause the infected corpse to explode violently. May consider engaging the services of a Summoner to Send the mad corpse to the Other Realm.

3) Cursed

Symptoms: People around the cursed patient will mysteriously die from extremely violent deaths. Apparitions appearing around the oblivious patient, while spooky events scare the life out of others.

Causes: Living in Kayako’s house, watching Sadako’s tape, renting an apartment with a dead girl floating in the water tank, using a cursed camera, wishing on a flight of cursed stairs, putting on a pair of cursed red shoes or wig, etc…

Mortality: exceed 500%. Cursed patients brings premature death to everyone they come into contact with.

Warning: do not go near 500km radius of a Cursed patient, protective charms will spontaneously combust upon contact with the patient’s haunting aura.

Recommended Treatment: none available. Neither researcher nor doctor survived to come up with a cure. Quarantine patient and allow it to naturally expire from bad luck overdose.

Note: attempts to exorcise the patient will annoy the spirit haunting the patient, which would lead to the exorcist’s gruesome death. Recovered patients would be dragged to hell after five minutes of recovery.

4) Possession

“I don’t see dead people anywhere” – The Sick Sense

Details: Possession is different from Cursed, with the former having a spirit taking over the patient’s body while the latter lingers around and kill everyone in the vicinity.

Mortality Rate: 200%. Death occurs to both possessed and exorcist.

Causes: offending spirits during the Hungry Ghost Festival, stealing offerings, failed impersonation of the Duck Medium’s Spiritual Summoning or failed attempt in Sending a spirit off to the Other Realm.

Symptoms: 360° horizontal head rotation, speaking in tongues, projectile vomiting, levitation, glowing syndrome

Recommended Treatment: in the case of Hungry Ghost Month possession, ignore the patient and patiently wait until the month is over as the ghost would be forced to return to hell automatically. For other cases, incinerate the patient together with the spirit. In the case of possession due to stealing offerings, let the patient deal with the spirit. Failed impersonation of the Duck Medium; no cure.

5) Reckless Driving

Symptoms: steering the steering wheel and ramming the accelerator like a maniac. Stealing cars are driving them into lamp posts, signs, dustbins and through buildings. Early symptoms include addiction to racing games and humming tunes from Tokyo Drift and Initial D. Terminal patients will remove the car’s brakes.

Causes: playing too much Need for Speed and developing the joy of running over pedestrians.
Warning: do not be in the same vehicle as the patient. Patient would have the compulsion to drive at break neck speed and mow every pedestrian to death. Terminal patients will drive off Mount Pra’s cliffs.

Note: Insurance policies do not cover victims of Reckless Driving. Cross roads at your own risk.
Mortality Rate: unknown. Depends on the traffic volume and number of clueless pedestrians.

Recommended Treatment: patients would undergo Snail Therapy at Freak Tock Seng Hospital, where they are required to drive a funeral hearse at a torturous and mentally-frustrating snail pace. Following which, they must attend a dead boring road safety lesson that will be conducted for 7200 consecutive hours until they develop a phobia of driving.

6) Leaky Memory

“Who’s this again?”

Mortality rate: 50%. Mortality is due to patient forgetting to continue breathing.

Symptoms: Huh? Symptoms? What are symptoms? Who am I?

Causes: Falling in love with SNSD’s SeoWho? and watching Jackie Chan’s “Who Am I” movie more than once.

Recommended Treatment: Patient will undergo a Memory Recovery Treatment process at Freak Tock Seng Hospital. For one week, the patient will be memorizing the alphabets and mathematical timetables. After that, a memory probe would be shoved up the patient’s _________ , while an psycho psychiatrist will upload the patient’s default memory via Black Tooth.

7) Wagging Tongue

“Let me tell you a juicy gossip about………(conversation lasting non-stop for nearly 72 hours)”

Mortality Rate: 150%. High mortality rate is due to victims of tarnished reputation seeking revenge on the gossip mongers, including their friends, families, extended families and innocent parties who accidentally overhead the gossip.

Symptoms: unsuppressed verbal diarrhoea. Terminal patients will suffer from Gila Tongue Disease, where the tongue will develop a mind of its own and try to escape from the owner.

Causes: Gossiping non-stop, spreading evil rumours, quarrelling for no reason and blowing loud raspberries.

Mortality: 25%. Death is due to terminal cases where the diseased tongue tearing itself from the mouth of the patient and leaves it bleeding to death.

Recommended Treatment:
1) A doctor at Freak Tock Seng Hospital will tape the mouth, staple the lips and sew them together, then solder the trap shut and finally apply industrial cement to ensure the eternal silence of the patient.
2) Patient can seek the help of a Summoner who will summon Siren, the Guardian Force, and cast Silent Voice, which cannot be cured by Esuna, Echo Screen, Remedy or Treatment.
3) Patient will undergo Tongue Amputation

8) Broken Heart

“She/He/It dumped me…..!” (Endless sobs, crying and wailing)

Causes: Being dumped by boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/mistress/pimp/pet. Alternative cause could be due to watching sappy dramas/romance movies or reading Oreo and Julie literature. Terminal case is due a devoted SONE being ignored by SNSD with letters and gifts being heartlessly thrown into the bin in front of the fan

Symptoms: uncontrollable crying, shattering sounds being issued from the chest

Warning: patient may cause insomnia to innocent parties due to loud wails and sobs. Friends of patient are advised to switch off their phones as the patient will 100% call them in the middle of the night and sob incoherently over the phone, robbing them of precious sleep. Terminal cases of Broken Heart will cause the patient to commit suicide, homicide, genocide and infanticide.

Danger: disease is contagious as strangers passing by will mysteriously pity them and cry along.

Recommended Treatment: patient will receive the Heartless Procedure, where the patient’s heart will be removed and the doctor will certify the patient eligible to migrate to the Other Realm. Treatment for cases due to SNSD causes will involve making the SONE sit in a Wonder Girls Live Concert and experience their love for the fans. This will heal the patient’s shattered heart and make it into an Anti-SNSD, cursing the nine plastics for all eternity.

Promotion! 2.5% discount if you seek treatment at Duck Duddha's Clinic. Just quote "Freakstimes ROCKS!"

Reported by: Duck Buddha