Sunday, September 18, 2011

News Flash! - New transport system in the works

As the roads of Freaktopia remain hopelessly jammed for 24 hours every day, the Land Transport Authority (LTA) decided to explore a new transport system that makes use of Freaktopia's extremely new, well-connected, state-of-the-art, effective and efficient sewage system. It is collaborating with the National Environment Agency on matters such as sewage network and waste systems; Royal Urban University of Mutabak on transport system engineering and management; Unknown University on issues such as unknown statistics and probable tragedies and with Allopia Spy School on Computer Systems and Security.
This new transport system will allow commuters to do away with waiting for buses or trains, congestions and accidents as all they need to do are - don wetsuits and oxygen tanks, tap their ez-link card on the card reader installed on their toilet bowl's water cistern, say their destination clearly to the computer, and flush themselves to their destinations. The LTA has had considerable success at the experimental stage though all of its elderly passengers perished in the process as the computer was unable to process their destination and hence they spent days circulating the entirety of Freaktopia's sewage network until they suffocated and had to be fished out by the NEA. Furthermore, four had died from cardiac arrest as they were flushed at speeds of 160-180km/h and all of its obese passengers got stuck midway and had to be rescued. Besides the occasional death, the LTA is pleased with the project's progress and excellent results.
"I feel that this new way of travelling is going to take over the conventional way of travelling on land. The roads of Freaktopia are polluted with speed cameras, traffic polices, speed limits, ERP gantries, traffic lights, zebra crossings and humps every 2 meters. Vehicles could only travel at 5mm/h. With the new Sewage Transport, commuters can travel at literally breakneck speeds and reach their destination early or on time!" said the Minster for Land Development and Transport. A member of the public said "however, people can get stuck in the sewage pipe or die if the pipe explode like what happened to Thangs the last time."
Though the unsanitary way of travelling is most likely to be a hit with the busy population of Freaktopia, the hygiene and fashionable segments are concerned as this will pollute the air with unbearable stench and mess up the hair and makeup they had taken great pains to do up. Car dealers and manufacturers are worried as they might go bankrupt and are starting to dabble in flying carpet, teleportation and sewage transport technologies and its nuances.
Whether the new Sewage Transport System will yield good results or be a flush in the bowl will be determined by how congested the pipes can be with both humans and waste matter fighting for space. Seriously, can a boring and puke-inducing sight of faeces and urine trump the beautiful city scene with the occasional motor vehicle versus pedestrian tragedy?
Reported by Roasted Duck Medium Rare   

News Flash! - Transportation woes

For the past month, the Land Transport Authority (LTA) and the Freaktopian Prime Minister has been futilely pledging more resources to increase the number of vehicles and trips during peak and off-peak periods to ease the never-ceasing human congestion and facilitate faster travels with fewer tantrums thrown during the frustratingly long 30-second wait for the next taxi, bus or train. Despite the efforts made and money wasted, the smooth transport plan envisioned by the universe was not proceeding according to plan as yesterday, countless catastrophic public transport-related disasters erupted all over Freaktopia like the Black Death.

According to the Freakstimes newsroom, the first accident was reported by a blind eye witness at 5am, the first bus service for the day, when a deranged-looking female Prata national produced a chainsaw out of nowhere and began mowing down passengers who were pushing and shoving to get on the first bus. "All I know is that I smell Prata, Tosai, Mutabaks, Fruits, Vegetables and heard the buzzing roar of a chainsaw! The next thing I know is I smelled spilled fillings, juice and curry and heard lots of screaming!" said the witness before being ran over by a speeding unlicensed unicycle as he proceeded to cross the road unaided.

Just moments later at 5.01am, the Mutabakian Police Department alerted the Freakstimes that annoyed passengers on bus service 666 had decided to take the overcrowding situation into their own hands by opening windows and tossing excessive passengers out of the numerous openings by the side of the public transport vehicle. However, the situation deteriorated as they proceeded to dump each other out of the windows and doors. Unceremoniously evicted passengers found themselves lethally smashing onto curbs, falling off 12-stories high highways or being mowed over by speeding lorries on the expressway.

According to satellite imaging, approximately 66,000 miles long of the road was plastered or littered with body parts of various parts, shapes and sizes. The LTA rejected the National Environment Agency's (NEA) plea to clean up the mess. The reason is that cleaning up would either add more people and/or vehicles to the 24 hour constantly jammed roads of Freaktopia and this would cause citizens to sell their luxury cars in favour of heavy duty lorries and trucks, military tanks or bulldozers to combat lesser puny motor vehicles on the road. An LTA official said this situation would most definitely cause serious administrative problems like having to come up with coupons, parking lots, COE and ERP (Electronic Road Pricing) for such big vehicles.

Fortunately, the mayhem affected the train service as well. The Freaktopian Mess Rabid Transport (MRT) reported over 97531 cases of passengers being bisected or have limbs torn off by the trains' doors or safety gates. 99.9% of the casualties bled to death as they refused medical aid in a valiant attempt to reach work on time. Due to the countless severed body parts, the trains' doors malfunctioned. Majority of the passengers suffered from fractured extremities as they tried to break down the doors and alight. In addition, several lost their lives as frustrated commuters vented their anger on one another and on the service operators.

The overcrowding on buses was so bad that passengers had to sit on the laps or cling onto the necks and waists of the bus captains. Earlier this year, the Land Transport Authority had removed all seats from buses and trains, set up signs encouraging passengers to contort themselves to save space on the public transport and installed handrails on the top, sides and bottom of buses and trains just to accommodate more travellers. However, the LTA removed the undercarriage handrails as all of the passengers under the bus fractured their spines and skull whenever the vehicle goes over a hump.

A Health Ministry official commented that the sky-high fatality rate will overwork medical professionals to the brink of insanity and/or suicide. Professor Lao Zi, Head of Unknown University's Economics and Home Economics, speculated that there will be a severe shortage of coffins, priests, funeral equipments and personnel, crematoriums and columbarium space and it will cause the prices to rocket and inflate beyond affordability as suppliers will seize the chance to earn 10,000% profit from the catastrophes. He advised families to pick up carpentry and funerary skills so that they can D.I.Y funeral rites and burial for their deceased.

When contacted by the Freakstimes, the LTA said it might legalise flying carpets, teleportation and extend the ERP to non-motor vehicles like unicycles, bicycles and tricycles. At present, the LTA is collaborating with the NEA in researching and experimenting on a new revolutionary sewage transport system.

Reported by Duck Medium and Freddy Ferrari

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Special Feature - Grim University Hospital


Grim University Hospital is the first and, at present, the only university hospital in the vast universe of Freaktopia. It was recently established by the Freaktopian Health Ministry to combat the "constant outbreaks of unusual maladies, improve the disastrous health conditions of its inhabitants, and strengthen and expand the medical knowledge and skills of the medical staff through rigorous research and training". 

As compared to the deplorable state that Freak Tock Seng Hospital and other general hospitals are in, Grim University Hospital stands at zero stories high, with 89 basements, 1,000 incompetent doctors and 1,444 careless and ill-tempered nurses. In addition to the usual clinical departments found in all other mundane hospitals, the university hospital is proud to have new departments such as the Spiritual and Paranormal clinics to service the possessed, haunted and recently departed; Abnormal Practices to diagnose uncommon and rare diseases that have never even been heard of; Cuisine Surgery to treat food-related health problems such as Curry Intoxication, Herbal Soup Drowning, Popcorn Explosions, Overcooked injuries, Fruity Concussions (Papaya, durian, jackfruit, coconut and etc), Vegetosis (human biological mutation due to consumption of expired vegetables), USW (Utensils Stab Wounds) and Fast Food Addiction; Lethality, Catastrophes and Disasters (LCD) rooms are the equivalent of your accident and emergency rooms, just that the LCD deals with patients who are a danger to themselves and everyone around them; and many others.

Staff and Facilities

The staff at Grim University Hospital are a sullen, sallow and ill-looking lot who pile on white make up, ICI Deluxe facial paint and plenty of black eyeliner, lipstick and mascara to provide a gothic and deathly professional vibe to visitors. In addition to being downright useless, hopeless and worthless, the hospital staff are hired based on their intensive love for death and disdain towards life and as such, patients are guaranteed to face their mortality as they struggle in vain to cling onto survival. 

The cleaning personnel are terribly competent in creating clogged sinks, regurgitating toilets, dusty corridors and polluting the operating rooms. The public can also be rest assured of facing plenty of hypertensive frustrations when making inquiries or appointments over the phone as the administrators are never around and never pleased to serve the peoples' needs. In short, the magnificently mentally-challenged and brainless staff at Grim University Hospital can never be found elsewhere, for they are the dregs of society.

Grim University Hospital is built underground with the avoidance of nuclear warfare in mind, though it will be the first to collapse if there is an earthquake measuring 20.9 on the Richter scale. Located just 3,4567890 miles south of Mount Pra, 1,2345678 miles east of Mount Ro and 9,876543210 miles north of Mutabak Kingdom, Grim University Hospital is found deep beneath the earth, patients will be treated to a depressing view of compressed earth and the occasional fossilised dinosaur or buried skeleton. 

With lifts travelling at the speed of light, patients, visitors and staff are all advised to buckle themselves securely or risk guaranteed death when the lift stops. The establishment also boasts 3 cafeterias, with 12 master chefs who cannot cook to save their lives and have absolutely no inkling of what decent food tastes like, to serve the most revoltingly-bland food that will even put the world-acclaimed hospital food to shame. 

Priding itself in emergency treatment, the hospital has a helipad somewhere but nobody knows where it is except for the helipad itself. A multi-storey car park could also be found near the helipad and again nobody knows its location. Being the most accessible hospital, emergency patients are rest assured that they are more likely to perish in an ambulance than dying in the operating theatre. 

Reported by: Duck Medium

Monday, September 12, 2011

News Flash - Sewage pipe burst in Thangs underground tunnel, downing thousands in excrement

FREAKSTIMES – In a series of unfortunate events that have befallen Freaktopia the past few months, the latest incident that brewed was the drowning of thousands of innocent shoppers in the Thangs underground tunnel when the sewage pipe burst. Kayporter Lily Li reports.

According to the Sewage Maintenance Authority (SMA), the pipe had burst as a result of too much hard stools released by people in the Thangs Mall toilets which got stuck in the pipe, leading to severe blockage and thus the pipe eventually burst. 

The Kayporter contacted the Stools Sciences Authority (SSA) on the reason for this phenomenon. SSA Head of Sai Research said,”This phenomenon of an usually large volume of hard stools could be attributed to the rise in consumption of mooncakes recently. As you all know, mooncakes are very heaty and eating too much mooncakes can lead to hard stools.”

The Haze Monitoring Association (HMA) had an alternative opinion. HMA Director said,”Eating mooncakes will lead to hard stools? What rubbish! The cause is actually the haze from Indo-Asia! Haze from any other places would not cause hard stools. But if it comes from Indo-Asia, jialat!” However, he stopped short of revealing the exact reason. 

On further prompting by the ever-persistent Kayporter, the HMA Director said secretively,”You know what? The haze from Indo-Asia carries the essence of terrorism! Terrorism causes constipation!”

After saying that the director scuttled off, possibly for fear of being targeted by the Al-Gebra terrorist group for revealing their secret. It turned out that the terrorist group intended to use haze as a weapon of mass destruction by causing widespread constipation. The burst pipe may only be just the beginning of a series of terrorist attacks by the much-feared Al-Gebra group. 

On a sidenote, the thousands who drowned in the excrement were all hauled off to the Jurong Island for burial and to be used as fertilizers.