Thursday, July 29, 2010

Joke of the day - Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

News Flash! - A Series of Unfortunate Events

Freaktopia - The Divine Duck Medium was sent to the Intensive Care Unit at the FreakTockSeng Hospital after a freak accident which resulted in his Memory Leakage Disease. According to the incompetent Brain Specialist Dr. Pang Sai, the Duck Medium's memory was leaking at a shocking rate of 1000 metre cube per second, enough to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool every minute.

A close acquaintance of the Duck Medium said that his memory leakage was probably caused by one of his divine rituals which went haywire. According to him, the accident happened when the Duck Medium was conducting a Rain Calling Ritual on top of Waffles Tower. He was chanting the Rainfall Incantation and swinging his wooden sword and throwing rice everywhere when he accidentally knocked over the bowl of rice with his inept sword-swinging. This incurred the wrath of the Rain God, resulting in the major floods and thunderstorm. The suay Duck Medium was thus struck by a lighting, causing his memories to leak.

Dr Pang and his team of useless brain surgeons are frantically finding ways to plug the rupture in his brain to stop the memory leakage, but it was believed that they would need at least 20 years to find a viable solution. At the moment, his memory leakage is causing a major pollution to the environment, where Freaktopian citizens are complaining of seeing apparitions of gruesome images of mastication and hallucinating morbid visions. Mindfreak Consultants have been called in to alleviate the situation. Mindfreak Consultants CEO Criss-cross Angel said gravely, "This is certainly one of the worst problems we have encountered. We need to mop up the leaked memories floating around in Freaktopia. This is a tricky situation. I just want this to be over and I want my life back."

Furthermore, as a result of this unfortunate incident, the Duck Medium Corporation stock prices plunged more than 700%. Investors are committing suicide left, right, centre, up, down and sideways. The War Street is certainly seeing one of the worst financial crisis in its history (the worst happened during the Mutabak vs Prata Wars in 99B.M.)

Meanwhile, the Reverend Duck Medium has been reduced to a vegetative state at the FreakTockSeng Hospital. The Veggiepura Minister has expressed interest to take him in as its new citizen. However, the Princess of Mutabak refused his offer because she still considers the Duck Medium as a valuable asset to Freaktopia. She has called for a grand operation to collect the leaked memories and transfer them back into his brain.

Will Duck Medium rise again? Only time will tell.

Reported by Urban Geek

Monday, July 19, 2010

News Flash! - Green War between Veggiepura vs. Fruitopia

Freaktopia – It seems that trouble is blossoming between the vegetable kingdom of Veggiepura and the fruity republic of Fruitopia as the two vegetarian superpowers are taking up arms over a recent dispute over who is to be the rightful of a Jurassic Age greenhouse containing the fossilised remains of several prehistoric fruits and vegetables resting peacefully in pots of volcanic stone.
The ancient architecture and its contents are of great importance to both nations as it concerns their national identity, ancestry and heritage. Both Veggiepura and Fruitopia are claiming the ruin as theirs as it represents their vegetative might and power, as well as an essential part of an elaborate scheme to expand their influence well beyond the green borders.
Uncannily, both parties expressed no intention to expand their empires into the vast territory of Mutabak Kingdom. Dialogues between Veggiepura and Fruitopia have crumbled like a poorly baked apple crumble, and ended in death threats and promises to send Carrot Missiles V4 and Avocado Bomb MK-II flying across the crow-infested skies of Freaktopia. However, Mutabak Kingdom’s timely intervention in the cross-border conflict saved both vegetative nations before they get themselves smashed, peeled, splattered and cooked in a juicy battle that sprang from a purile bicker.

According to the historians at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, the ancient ruin is known as Necroherbopolis, City of the Dead Plants. Their musty, yellowed and worm-eaten history textbooks revealed that the Necroherbopolis was a sacred ground where fruits and vegetables, once a unified race, took turns to sacrifice each other to their vegetarian deity on the holy Altar of Sacrifice’s chopping board, so as to have their prayers for fertile soil, baking sun and flooding rains answered.

Historical records of Veggiepura and Fruitopia concurred with the historians’ theory of the hourly fights taking a toll on the plants’ population, which caused an extended and aggressive argument to break-out on the streets and mutate into a full-fledged civil war, ending in the slaughter of the last ruler of Necroherbopolis, Emperor Nightshade de Mandrake XXVII, and the eventual separation of fruits and vegetables into their respective separate nations today. As a result, the Necroherbopolis came to be used as a burial ground for expired (shrivelled, rotten or dried) fruits and vegetables.

The Necroherbopolis was discovered by pure coincidence when the Gullwings Exploration Corporation’s airship, the Celsius, crash-landed in the Kopi Desert due to a mysterious combination of engine failure, technical problems and a hopelessly drunk Rikku at the steering wheel. The Celsius nosedived from an impressive altitude of 99,999 feet above the stratosphere and crashed into an unknown mountain in the mountainous range of Masalasia.

The forceful collision obliterated the eastern flank of the mountain, releasing an avalanche which buried 300 villages (with total population of 650,000) and in turn caused the extinction of the Masalsian aboriginal race of Pisang Goreng, which has been living in poverty since the creation of Freaktopia and has been hailed as a national liability. In the process, a hidden stone entrance, inscribed with ancient herboglyphs, was revealed. Stone statues of the guardian deities of Veggiepura and Fruitopia, Lord Carrotcake and Lord Applepie, guarded the entrance to the prehistoric site.

The YRP decided to play on the safe side of caution as the ancient and incomprehensible herboglyphs might mean a death curse or the activation of destructive spells such as Mega-Flare or Ultima, which are highly capable of obliterating the party in an instant. Hence, the trio employed the High Summoner, who had recently earned her Doctor's Degree in Vegetarian Studies and was awarded an honorary degree in Botanical Pathology and Management, to translate the lost squiggles left behind by ancient plants.

The Duck Medium was hired to liaise with the lingering botanical spirits to allow the exploration team to safely excavate and document the site, learn more of the Necroherbopolis, unearth hidden history, and perhaps rewrite some historical records which are riddled with inconsistencies and errors, for the benefit of both Veggiepura and Fruitopia, and ultimately, for the good of the denizens of Freaktopia.

Unfortunately, the excavation of the Necroherbopolis did not seem to go smoothly for the Gullwings Exploration Corporation as Veggiepura and Fruitopia began exchanging explosive greetings in the early hours, which caused several titanic stone slabs to fall from the ceiling onto a few unfortunate laborers. The explosions also caused the comatose spirits to lose their beauty sleep and become extremely moody, grouchy and foul-tempered.

As time progressed, the option of spiritual negotiations with the stubborn, unfriendly and childish herbal apparitions got unceremoniously thrown out of the window as they became extremely fond of throwing tantrums, possessing innocent workers and hurling heavy fossils and curses at the team. An exasperated Duck Medium and a snapped High Summoner submitted a petition to Emperor Lettuce and President Durian to grant them the permission to exorcise the horde of annoying botanical poltergeists.

As farms continue to be burnt and cratered by Carrot Missiles V4 and greenhouses demolished by Avocado Warhead MK-II, it is the citizens of Fruitopia and Veggiepura who are suffering the consequence of their ruler’s warlike behaviour. Hundreds and thousands of plants uprooted themselves and fled their burning homeland. They are risking lethal dehydration and potential withering by trekking across the expansive Kopi Desert to seek refuge in Mutabak Kingdom, who swore to welcome them into its hot and oily non-stick frying pans.
It appears that the war between the two botanical superpowers is beginning to take a toll on the multi-verse of Freaktopia as the denizens on that chaotic plane of existence are starting to experience withdrawal symptoms due to the lack of nourishing greens in their diet. The battle is very unlikely to be over soon and the Very United Nations are too afraid of incurring the herbal wrath of Veggiepura and Fruitopia, lest they decide to deny the world of its supply of vitamins.

- Reported by Duck Medium and additional reporting by Tai Chin Chai

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

News Flash!

Heavenly Realm (Existing somewhere in Freaktopia) – The recent theft of the secret Meng Po’s Soups and Meng Mei’s Congee recipes has raised concerns among the Enlightened Ones and Divine Beings as those recipes, if misused, could easily plunge the multi-verse of Freaktopia into a boiling stew of disaster, mayhem, chaos and catastrophe.

Although many are scoffing at the theft of the recipes; ridiculous scraps of paper with noxious ingredients and impossible-to-follow cooking instructions scribbled in an illegible handwriting, the leaders of Freaktopia are pooling their resources to recover those stolen cooking instructions.

The question, at present, posed by the general unsympathetic and hopelessly ignorant denizens of the Freaktopian multi-verse is why is everyone slogging their guts out and risking their limb, life and sanity just to retrieve some cooking recipes written on poor-quality foolscap paper?

The General concept of Freaktopians is that the recipes were written by the Meng Sisters whenever they were suddenly inspired by a festering cockroach or a well-flattened road-kill. However, it is unknown to the common folk that Meng Po and Meng Mei had received divine inspirations for their signature dishes, which were bestowed upon them by the Cooking God, who witnessed their passion for cooking. He was touched by their unwavering devotion to cooking despite a lifetime of failure, several demolished kitchens, numerous food poisoning lawsuits and causing countless to fall victim to their lethal by-product of a dish. In return, the Cooking God received payment in the form of burnt paper offerings made by the grateful Meng Sisters.

Due to his failure, or perhaps negligence to report his additional income to the Tax Revenue Authority of Heaven (TRAH), the Cooking God was charged with gross tax evasion. In addition to his crime, the deity would also be slapped on the felony of rendering assistance to dangerously hopeless mortal beings, who possessed the propensity to create chaos and unleash unnecessary death on the Freaktopian plane of existence, which could adversely affect the well-being of the Heavenly Realm.

At present, the Other Realm has yet to make any comments on the arrest of the Cooking God, though it expressed its delight of seeing the Heavenly realm plunge into chaos and panic. Due to the arrest of the Cooking God, the deity was unable to give his blessings to keep kitchen accidents at bay, which resulted in chefs all over Freaktopia to suffer from severed fingers, first degree burns, acute food poisoning and dying in explosions due to leaking gas cylinders.

The Union of Incapacitated and Permanently Disabled Chefs (UIPDC) is drafting a petition to the Supreme Celestial Court to demand the release of the Cooking God, before all in the profession are wiped out by mundane catastrophes. Should the Supreme Celestial Court refuse to accede to the mortals’ request, the humans will starve the gods of paper offerings, which could severely cripple both the realm’s economy and the gods’ powers.

Although the recipes were secured in a top-notch Goldilocks Safe Ver. XXX and with security of the building enhanced multi-fold by nearly infinite layers of Goldilocks Security Systems Omega Calculus and curses laid by the Duck Medium, High Summoner and Immortal SSW, the mysterious burglar still managed to make off with the entire safe amid activations of highly destructive spells that caused damage on a scale rivalling a dimensional nuclear war.

The theft incident at the Meng Sisters Food & Beverage Headquarters has thrown the Enlightened Union into blind panic as it is trying to obtain a arrest warrant to throw the Duck Medium, High Summoner and Immortal SSW behind the bars of the Celestial Gaol, for their safety and to protect their divine secrets from falling into the wrong limbs.

Meanwhile, the Buddha Association beseeched the holy Immortal SSW to increase the security of his secrets and factories as his pills possesses extremely immortalising properties which could cause any unrepentant sinner to immediately attain nirvana and become a Buddha, soiling the sanctity of Buddhahood and creating an uncontrollable influx of illegal celestial immigrants.

The High Summoner’s spells of pure rage, devastating destruction and instant death were so powerful that they could decimate the multi-verse of Freaktopia in a flash. Similarly, the Duck Medium is unconcerned about the safety of its Psyduck’s Grimoire of Fowl Spells as the ancient tome is written in an otherworldly language that could only be comprehended by the Duck Medium and its distant cousin, Count Duckcula.

“I have hidden my High Summoner’s Textbook revised addition beneath the Royal Urban University of Mutabak’s library. Of course, the path to my Textbook is fraught with danger as it is guarded by instant death traps, unsolvable puzzles and a horde of carnivorous vegetative guardians such as Rogue Tomatoes, Deadly Nightshade, Onion Knights and my all-time favourite plant in Freaktopia; M-A-L-B-O-R-O,” said the High Summoner Urban Geek. “in addition, I have summoned by Dark Aeons, as well as throwing in impossible-to-defeat bosses like Omega Weapon, Ruby Weapon, Asthma, Penance and Whiskey the Imperial Irritating Canine of Mutabak Kingdom,” elaborated the High Summoner on her choice of tough and annoying guardians to protect her arcane secrets. Goldilocks awarded the High Summoner’s security system the rank of Absolutely-Not-Worth-My-Life-To-Rob.

Finally, the Immortal SSW's Scroll of Enlightening Pills is rumoured to be missing somewhere in time as the Immortal SSW was supposedly to have hidden it in some prehistoric era, and developed Leaky Memory subsequently. The scroll is bathed in layers of corrosive mucus, lethal saliva and encrusted in a thick shell of Immortal Body Dirt Amour, which is impervious to lasers, explosives, blades, drill and magic. It is also common-sense that the magical document is protected by foul-tempered T-rexs, PMS-ing Aerodactyls, rampaging Triceratops and the almighty Megazord from Power Rangers. The Immortal SSW’s security system was given the rank of Perish-The-Thought by Goldilocks.

With the Freaktopian multi-verse pooling together all of its dwindling resources, would the Meng Sisters be able to recover their mayhem-causing recipes or would the situation become as irrecoverable as spilt Meng Po Toxic Soup? As the three realms of existence continue to race against time, an unknown perpetrator is hiding in some kitchen, stewing a strange, noxious and congealing plot to lay ruin to Freaktopia. Could the culprit be a jealous rival of the Meng Sisters or perhaps an accomplice of the TFM-Stephanie-Al Thosai Alliance?

- Reported by Mr Chiak Buay Tua

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Unclassified Advertisements

Miss Tanutama's Pet Shop

We sell: Tarantula spiders and Tanutamas
Location: 9 Tanutama Lane, Freaktopia
Price: Ranging from $0.05 for a house spider to $9999999 for our rarest King Tanutama Spider

CD-LAMA (Tibet Branch)

We sell:
- Buddhist Scripts (Books and Audio) --- $2.50 each
- Buddhist Preaching (Audio and video) --- $7 each
- Buddhist Rock & Roll (CD and DVD) --- Price depends on the rock band (see below)
1. Nirvana: $1000
2. Linking Parts: $899
3. Limp Cookies: $720
4. The Crumbling Stones: $660
5. Coldpray: $550
- How to be a Taoist (VCD) --- $90
- How to conduct rituals (DVD) -- $120
- Ritual Accidents (Blue Ray) ---$1999

"Lama nama mama come to laa laa, namo amitopho..hom money money hom..."

Location: Top of the Pagoda, 5 Buddha-Fingers Mountain, 7 Buddha Road, Freaktopia
Reported by: Duck Medium
Edited by: Urban Geek