The newest shop to spring up along the Backstreet Night Market (owned by Backstreet Boys) is the Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe. The extremely kaypo reporter, Mr Kaypoberry made a trip down to the Cafe, which is tucked away in a very ulu corner of the Backstreet to dig out some juicy news for you greedy and gluttony readers.
The first thing that the reporter noticed when he stepped into the shop was that the owner looked very familiar. In fact, he is Mr Kana Sai, the hot favorite in the last Martial Arts Competition held last century!
Run by Mr Kana Sai, who was previously popularly featured in Freakstimes's bi-millenium Martial Arts Competition, the sushi cafe carries a huge variety of sushis, ranging from the usual fare to the downright out-of-this-world range of sushis.
"After failing to win the championship title in the Martial Arts Competition, I decided to give up fighting and focus on my other favourite pastime instead - making sushis!" Said Mr Kana Sai, while rolling the rice into balls with his hands (which wasn't washed after he stepped out of the toilet).
"I love making different kinds of sushis! We should have more varieties of sushis than what is currently served in all those common mainstream japanese restaurants!" Mr Kana Sai added excitedly, spluttering his saliva into the sushi balls.
Currently, he is the sole owner of his cafe without any employees because he has no money. But he is looking to hire Sushi Interns who are willing to accept below minimum wage and be severely overworked and starved.* (details below). Interested parties may apply directly at his shop.
Our Kaypo reporter tasted 99% of the 9999 varieties of sushis and below are the best ones he picked out:
1. Nuclear Wasabe Bomb sushi
Ingredients: 99% wasabi, 1% rice
Description: This sushi is made using a ladle of top-grade wasabe from the Mountains of Osaka, added on top of 5 grains of rice. This sushi is perfect for wasabe lovers. Additional wasabe can be added at $28 per ladle.
Warning: You may suffer from permanent throat damage. Estimated to affect 99% of customers.
2. Tamade Goni Sushi
Ingredients: Egg, rice, and fresh seaweed
Description: A messy goo of rotten half-boiled egg is mixed with some rice and rolled into balls, and then wrapped with seaweed which is fresh from the Sentosa Sea. The salty seaweed apparently goes really well with the rotten egg taste!
Warning: Severe diarrhoea may result, and more critical cases may lead to coma.
3. Kaninabe Sushi
Ingredients: Crab meat, spider eggs, and rice
Description: Minced crab meat is mixed with Thousand Pagoda Thai Chili Sauce and Tanutama Tarantula Spider eggs, and the delicious concoction is placed on top of rolled up rice, and then wrapped with pandan leaf like Bachang.
Warning: Tanutama Tarantula Spiders may emerge after you unwrap the Bachang. In the event that this happens, please don't eat the spiders as they are extremely endangered species, and you should send them to the SPCA (Spiders Protection and Care Assocation).
4. Kanasai Sushi
Ingredients: Rotten eggpplant, bread mould, chicken backside essence, Smelly Toufu, and thousand year old durian, mixed in spoilt Dutch Lady Yoghurt and placed on top of rice washed with fishtank water, and wrapped with barbecued seaweed.
Description: The signboard dish of Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe, this sushi flavour is proclaimed by Mr Kana Sai as his favourite and best innovation. Indeed, Kaypoberry's verdict was that it truly lives up to its name as tasting like shit.
5. Kaneena Sushi
Ingredients: ikan bilis, banana skin, asparagus, and tree bark, all mashed up and added on top of rice and wrapped in freshly-mowed grass (who says you have to use seaweed?)
Description: The mush of highly incompatible ingedients created such a huge clash of taste that even a person with no taste-buds would faint and foam at the mouth from the extremely flavourful mixture.
6. Cow Peh Cow Bu Sushi
Ingredients: sliced beef marinated in dishwater, wrapped over rice and then sprinkled with sawdust
Description: For beef lovers, this sushi uses premium beef specially imported from the Mad Cow Disease Farm in Sinkapula. Even the dishwater is specially imported from the Hilton Hotel in Old York.
Warning: people without Mad Cow Disease may have a 80% of contracting the disease, while those with Mad Cow Disease would be 100% cured after eating this sushi.
7. Sibeh Sialan Sushi
Ingredients: Fishball, fried Kway teow and fried carrot cake, mashed up and mixed in Maggi Goreng sauce, and added on top of Loy Kee's Worse chicken rice, and then wrapped in popiah skin.
Description: This is one unique sushi with a local flavour for Sinkapulans! A must try for tourists who wish to have a taste of all our notorious local dishes, all at once!
8. Honi Kishi Sushi
Ingredients: Poison Toad meat, Lionfish meat, and box jellyfish, mixed in cobra venom and wrapped in Posion Ivy flower petals
Description: The most powerful, deadly, and wicked sushi of the lot, this sushi is not for the faint-hearted! Permanent incapacitation and even instant expiration is almost guaranteed! But probably worth it for the single, split-second taste of the legendary sushi. No doubt, and true to its name, it promises to kill you after eating it!
Warning: Customers are advised to apply for insurance before eating this sushi so that your family members will be well taken care of in the future in the event of your sudden departure to the other realm.
Promotion!
Customers who spend above $999 will get a $0.99 voucher for Kanenabo cosmetics products! *Redeemable only at Bimbocity.
*Sushi Interns
Interns will learn to make all kinds of sushis and also be forced to wash all the dishes, mop the floors, serve customers, wipe tables, basically the role will be a "Bao Ga Liao" one.
Requirements:
- must be PhD holders in Sushi Studies
- be able to churn out 99 sushis per minute
- must not be SNSD fans
- Wondergirls fans will be an advantage
Reported by: Urban Geek
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
News Flash! 600 Died in Road Race
~ Where Mr Bull Head and Mr Horse Face Flatten the news out for you! ~
Freaktopia - On a very unmemorable day on 18/2/5000BC, Freaktopia's national last-ranking college organized an event called the Road Race. (The college is Freaktopiana Junior College - where all goons, fools, morons, and other assorted stupid people go)
As Freaktopiana Junior College (FJC) has a notorious reputation for being extremely superstitious, the principal hired the Great Grand Seer to do a divination prior to the event. As fate would have it, the Great Grand Seer collapsed and fainted upon stepping into the college, even before the divination rites could be conducted. The Seer suddenly convulsed and started doing the "duck-medium" trance (she paid the Duck Medium to teach her). She made a cryptic comment (maybe a prediction) that the school has a very idiotic aura and the aura would cause the students to shorten their lives by 50 years and for teachers, 80 years.
FJC holds a reputable record for the highest number of students dying each year and teachers as well. Last century, FJC saw 946 students pass away due to stress, suicide, love affairs, bankruptcy, etc while 57 teachers died from excessive loss of blood due to Hae Mo Blood Vomitting Syndrome (teachers contract this disease after 2 days of teaching and the disease often escalates to terminal stage within 7 days.)
Seconds before the Road Race, the school reminded the students to call their lawyers to write their wills and last testaments and to bade farewell to their friends and family before they depart. The route is a total of 4800km and the students have to run across the PIE, BKE, SLE, CTE, and all other combinations of 3 letters - 49 rounds. And also for the last lap, students are required to run along the Bulldozer Flyover where bulldozers travel at the speed of 1000km/s.
The Race lasted for 50 days, after which the race ended when the last snail entered the school gate and died due to excessive blood loss and missing lower body. 4 days before the Race ended, the Bulldozer Flyover collapsed as 104 bulldozers were jammed due to too many body parts being stuck in the engines, rendering the vehicles immobile.
As a result, it caused a major pileup of 200 bulldozers and explosion with the force of 100 nuclear warheads, taking 600 students together with all the bulldozer drivers to heaven.
Fortunately, the remaining surviving students suffered only permanent damage such as loss of limbs, mangled body, missing lower body, paralysis, multiple and irreparable fractures etc which the insurance companies refused to pay for unless threatened by lawyer letters (must be from Lee Law Firm).
The Mass Funeral will take place on 31 Dec 5000 BC at the Pulau Hantu Landfill (where dead students are reminded to arrange for their own burial and call their family priest to chao du them) at 12 midnight.
Attendance is compulsory. Absentees will be expelled unless parents threaten to complain to the Ministry of Education.
Reported by Mr Bull Head and Mr Horse Face
(By Duck Medium, Edited by Urban Geek)
Freaktopia - On a very unmemorable day on 18/2/5000BC, Freaktopia's national last-ranking college organized an event called the Road Race. (The college is Freaktopiana Junior College - where all goons, fools, morons, and other assorted stupid people go)
As Freaktopiana Junior College (FJC) has a notorious reputation for being extremely superstitious, the principal hired the Great Grand Seer to do a divination prior to the event. As fate would have it, the Great Grand Seer collapsed and fainted upon stepping into the college, even before the divination rites could be conducted. The Seer suddenly convulsed and started doing the "duck-medium" trance (she paid the Duck Medium to teach her). She made a cryptic comment (maybe a prediction) that the school has a very idiotic aura and the aura would cause the students to shorten their lives by 50 years and for teachers, 80 years.
FJC holds a reputable record for the highest number of students dying each year and teachers as well. Last century, FJC saw 946 students pass away due to stress, suicide, love affairs, bankruptcy, etc while 57 teachers died from excessive loss of blood due to Hae Mo Blood Vomitting Syndrome (teachers contract this disease after 2 days of teaching and the disease often escalates to terminal stage within 7 days.)
Seconds before the Road Race, the school reminded the students to call their lawyers to write their wills and last testaments and to bade farewell to their friends and family before they depart. The route is a total of 4800km and the students have to run across the PIE, BKE, SLE, CTE, and all other combinations of 3 letters - 49 rounds. And also for the last lap, students are required to run along the Bulldozer Flyover where bulldozers travel at the speed of 1000km/s.
The Race lasted for 50 days, after which the race ended when the last snail entered the school gate and died due to excessive blood loss and missing lower body. 4 days before the Race ended, the Bulldozer Flyover collapsed as 104 bulldozers were jammed due to too many body parts being stuck in the engines, rendering the vehicles immobile.
As a result, it caused a major pileup of 200 bulldozers and explosion with the force of 100 nuclear warheads, taking 600 students together with all the bulldozer drivers to heaven.
Fortunately, the remaining surviving students suffered only permanent damage such as loss of limbs, mangled body, missing lower body, paralysis, multiple and irreparable fractures etc which the insurance companies refused to pay for unless threatened by lawyer letters (must be from Lee Law Firm).
The Mass Funeral will take place on 31 Dec 5000 BC at the Pulau Hantu Landfill (where dead students are reminded to arrange for their own burial and call their family priest to chao du them) at 12 midnight.
Attendance is compulsory. Absentees will be expelled unless parents threaten to complain to the Ministry of Education.
Reported by Mr Bull Head and Mr Horse Face
(By Duck Medium, Edited by Urban Geek)
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Funny quotes of the day
http://www.wattpad.com/72778-funny-jokes
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Disease Compendium Part II - Paranormal and Abnormal Diseases
1) Pregnancy
“I feel… [retch]… pregnant”
Symptoms: morning sickness, afternoon sickness, evening sickness, whole-day sickness, mood swings, expanding waistline, suicidal depression.
Causes: having the insane desire to spawn a spoilt brat. Rare causes of Pregnancy might be due to spiritual possessions or cross-dressing in a maternity dress.
Mortality rate: 95%. Mortality is often due to spoilt brat driving the parents to their grave. Severe cases result in entire clan committing suicide out of frustration, irritation or shame.
Cure: Abortion or intentional miscarriage
Preventive measure: Permanent sterilization
2) Mad Corpse Disease
Symptoms: stench of decomposition lingering all over the place. Corpse will appear to be deranged and continuously froth at the mouth. Constant growling noises and scratching actions may signify a very hungry and murderous corpse is on the loose.
Causes: feeding unrefined Duck Matter to National Cadet Corpse. Common cause of Mad corpse Disease involves subjecting dead bodies to radioactive factory waste. Failed voodoo rituals or Duck Medium impersonation may result in catastrophic scale of Mad Corpse epidemic.
Mortality Rate: depends largely on the corpse’s killing and destructive capabilities. Death rate may vary according to the number of corpse infected and location of infection.
Warning: do not attempt to bring infected corpse home. Keep corpse clear of canines. Do not use common salt, sea water or drain water on corpse as they will cause it to projectile vomit Caustic Corpse Acid, which is capable of dissolving diamond.
Recommended Treatment: Use Phoenix Down, Purifying Salt or Holy Water. Spells such as Holy and Full-Life will cause the infected corpse to explode violently. May consider engaging the services of a Summoner to Send the mad corpse to the Other Realm.
3) Cursed
Symptoms: People around the cursed patient will mysteriously die from extremely violent deaths. Apparitions appearing around the oblivious patient, while spooky events scare the life out of others.
Causes: Living in Kayako’s house, watching Sadako’s tape, renting an apartment with a dead girl floating in the water tank, using a cursed camera, wishing on a flight of cursed stairs, putting on a pair of cursed red shoes or wig, etc…
Mortality: exceed 500%. Cursed patients brings premature death to everyone they come into contact with.
Warning: do not go near 500km radius of a Cursed patient, protective charms will spontaneously combust upon contact with the patient’s haunting aura.
Recommended Treatment: none available. Neither researcher nor doctor survived to come up with a cure. Quarantine patient and allow it to naturally expire from bad luck overdose.
Note: attempts to exorcise the patient will annoy the spirit haunting the patient, which would lead to the exorcist’s gruesome death. Recovered patients would be dragged to hell after five minutes of recovery.
4) Possession
“I don’t see dead people anywhere” – The Sick Sense
Details: Possession is different from Cursed, with the former having a spirit taking over the patient’s body while the latter lingers around and kill everyone in the vicinity.
Mortality Rate: 200%. Death occurs to both possessed and exorcist.
Causes: offending spirits during the Hungry Ghost Festival, stealing offerings, failed impersonation of the Duck Medium’s Spiritual Summoning or failed attempt in Sending a spirit off to the Other Realm.
Symptoms: 360° horizontal head rotation, speaking in tongues, projectile vomiting, levitation, glowing syndrome
Recommended Treatment: in the case of Hungry Ghost Month possession, ignore the patient and patiently wait until the month is over as the ghost would be forced to return to hell automatically. For other cases, incinerate the patient together with the spirit. In the case of possession due to stealing offerings, let the patient deal with the spirit. Failed impersonation of the Duck Medium; no cure.
5) Reckless Driving
Symptoms: steering the steering wheel and ramming the accelerator like a maniac. Stealing cars are driving them into lamp posts, signs, dustbins and through buildings. Early symptoms include addiction to racing games and humming tunes from Tokyo Drift and Initial D. Terminal patients will remove the car’s brakes.
Causes: playing too much Need for Speed and developing the joy of running over pedestrians.
Warning: do not be in the same vehicle as the patient. Patient would have the compulsion to drive at break neck speed and mow every pedestrian to death. Terminal patients will drive off Mount Pra’s cliffs.
Note: Insurance policies do not cover victims of Reckless Driving. Cross roads at your own risk.
Mortality Rate: unknown. Depends on the traffic volume and number of clueless pedestrians.
Recommended Treatment: patients would undergo Snail Therapy at Freak Tock Seng Hospital, where they are required to drive a funeral hearse at a torturous and mentally-frustrating snail pace. Following which, they must attend a dead boring road safety lesson that will be conducted for 7200 consecutive hours until they develop a phobia of driving.
6) Leaky Memory
“Who’s this again?”
Mortality rate: 50%. Mortality is due to patient forgetting to continue breathing.
Symptoms: Huh? Symptoms? What are symptoms? Who am I?
Causes: Falling in love with SNSD’s SeoWho? and watching Jackie Chan’s “Who Am I” movie more than once.
Recommended Treatment: Patient will undergo a Memory Recovery Treatment process at Freak Tock Seng Hospital. For one week, the patient will be memorizing the alphabets and mathematical timetables. After that, a memory probe would be shoved up the patient’s _________ , while an psycho psychiatrist will upload the patient’s default memory via Black Tooth.
7) Wagging Tongue
“Let me tell you a juicy gossip about………(conversation lasting non-stop for nearly 72 hours)”
Mortality Rate: 150%. High mortality rate is due to victims of tarnished reputation seeking revenge on the gossip mongers, including their friends, families, extended families and innocent parties who accidentally overhead the gossip.
Symptoms: unsuppressed verbal diarrhoea. Terminal patients will suffer from Gila Tongue Disease, where the tongue will develop a mind of its own and try to escape from the owner.
Causes: Gossiping non-stop, spreading evil rumours, quarrelling for no reason and blowing loud raspberries.
Mortality: 25%. Death is due to terminal cases where the diseased tongue tearing itself from the mouth of the patient and leaves it bleeding to death.
Recommended Treatment:
1) A doctor at Freak Tock Seng Hospital will tape the mouth, staple the lips and sew them together, then solder the trap shut and finally apply industrial cement to ensure the eternal silence of the patient.
2) Patient can seek the help of a Summoner who will summon Siren, the Guardian Force, and cast Silent Voice, which cannot be cured by Esuna, Echo Screen, Remedy or Treatment.
3) Patient will undergo Tongue Amputation
8) Broken Heart
“She/He/It dumped me…..!” (Endless sobs, crying and wailing)
Causes: Being dumped by boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/mistress/pimp/pet. Alternative cause could be due to watching sappy dramas/romance movies or reading Oreo and Julie literature. Terminal case is due a devoted SONE being ignored by SNSD with letters and gifts being heartlessly thrown into the bin in front of the fan
Symptoms: uncontrollable crying, shattering sounds being issued from the chest
Warning: patient may cause insomnia to innocent parties due to loud wails and sobs. Friends of patient are advised to switch off their phones as the patient will 100% call them in the middle of the night and sob incoherently over the phone, robbing them of precious sleep. Terminal cases of Broken Heart will cause the patient to commit suicide, homicide, genocide and infanticide.
Danger: disease is contagious as strangers passing by will mysteriously pity them and cry along.
Recommended Treatment: patient will receive the Heartless Procedure, where the patient’s heart will be removed and the doctor will certify the patient eligible to migrate to the Other Realm. Treatment for cases due to SNSD causes will involve making the SONE sit in a Wonder Girls Live Concert and experience their love for the fans. This will heal the patient’s shattered heart and make it into an Anti-SNSD, cursing the nine plastics for all eternity.
Promotion! 2.5% discount if you seek treatment at Duck Duddha's Clinic. Just quote "Freakstimes ROCKS!"
Reported by: Duck Buddha
“I feel… [retch]… pregnant”
Symptoms: morning sickness, afternoon sickness, evening sickness, whole-day sickness, mood swings, expanding waistline, suicidal depression.
Causes: having the insane desire to spawn a spoilt brat. Rare causes of Pregnancy might be due to spiritual possessions or cross-dressing in a maternity dress.
Mortality rate: 95%. Mortality is often due to spoilt brat driving the parents to their grave. Severe cases result in entire clan committing suicide out of frustration, irritation or shame.
Cure: Abortion or intentional miscarriage
Preventive measure: Permanent sterilization
2) Mad Corpse Disease
Symptoms: stench of decomposition lingering all over the place. Corpse will appear to be deranged and continuously froth at the mouth. Constant growling noises and scratching actions may signify a very hungry and murderous corpse is on the loose.
Causes: feeding unrefined Duck Matter to National Cadet Corpse. Common cause of Mad corpse Disease involves subjecting dead bodies to radioactive factory waste. Failed voodoo rituals or Duck Medium impersonation may result in catastrophic scale of Mad Corpse epidemic.
Mortality Rate: depends largely on the corpse’s killing and destructive capabilities. Death rate may vary according to the number of corpse infected and location of infection.
Warning: do not attempt to bring infected corpse home. Keep corpse clear of canines. Do not use common salt, sea water or drain water on corpse as they will cause it to projectile vomit Caustic Corpse Acid, which is capable of dissolving diamond.
Recommended Treatment: Use Phoenix Down, Purifying Salt or Holy Water. Spells such as Holy and Full-Life will cause the infected corpse to explode violently. May consider engaging the services of a Summoner to Send the mad corpse to the Other Realm.
3) Cursed
Symptoms: People around the cursed patient will mysteriously die from extremely violent deaths. Apparitions appearing around the oblivious patient, while spooky events scare the life out of others.
Causes: Living in Kayako’s house, watching Sadako’s tape, renting an apartment with a dead girl floating in the water tank, using a cursed camera, wishing on a flight of cursed stairs, putting on a pair of cursed red shoes or wig, etc…
Mortality: exceed 500%. Cursed patients brings premature death to everyone they come into contact with.
Warning: do not go near 500km radius of a Cursed patient, protective charms will spontaneously combust upon contact with the patient’s haunting aura.
Recommended Treatment: none available. Neither researcher nor doctor survived to come up with a cure. Quarantine patient and allow it to naturally expire from bad luck overdose.
Note: attempts to exorcise the patient will annoy the spirit haunting the patient, which would lead to the exorcist’s gruesome death. Recovered patients would be dragged to hell after five minutes of recovery.
4) Possession
“I don’t see dead people anywhere” – The Sick Sense
Details: Possession is different from Cursed, with the former having a spirit taking over the patient’s body while the latter lingers around and kill everyone in the vicinity.
Mortality Rate: 200%. Death occurs to both possessed and exorcist.
Causes: offending spirits during the Hungry Ghost Festival, stealing offerings, failed impersonation of the Duck Medium’s Spiritual Summoning or failed attempt in Sending a spirit off to the Other Realm.
Symptoms: 360° horizontal head rotation, speaking in tongues, projectile vomiting, levitation, glowing syndrome
Recommended Treatment: in the case of Hungry Ghost Month possession, ignore the patient and patiently wait until the month is over as the ghost would be forced to return to hell automatically. For other cases, incinerate the patient together with the spirit. In the case of possession due to stealing offerings, let the patient deal with the spirit. Failed impersonation of the Duck Medium; no cure.
5) Reckless Driving
Symptoms: steering the steering wheel and ramming the accelerator like a maniac. Stealing cars are driving them into lamp posts, signs, dustbins and through buildings. Early symptoms include addiction to racing games and humming tunes from Tokyo Drift and Initial D. Terminal patients will remove the car’s brakes.
Causes: playing too much Need for Speed and developing the joy of running over pedestrians.
Warning: do not be in the same vehicle as the patient. Patient would have the compulsion to drive at break neck speed and mow every pedestrian to death. Terminal patients will drive off Mount Pra’s cliffs.
Note: Insurance policies do not cover victims of Reckless Driving. Cross roads at your own risk.
Mortality Rate: unknown. Depends on the traffic volume and number of clueless pedestrians.
Recommended Treatment: patients would undergo Snail Therapy at Freak Tock Seng Hospital, where they are required to drive a funeral hearse at a torturous and mentally-frustrating snail pace. Following which, they must attend a dead boring road safety lesson that will be conducted for 7200 consecutive hours until they develop a phobia of driving.
6) Leaky Memory
“Who’s this again?”
Mortality rate: 50%. Mortality is due to patient forgetting to continue breathing.
Symptoms: Huh? Symptoms? What are symptoms? Who am I?
Causes: Falling in love with SNSD’s SeoWho? and watching Jackie Chan’s “Who Am I” movie more than once.
Recommended Treatment: Patient will undergo a Memory Recovery Treatment process at Freak Tock Seng Hospital. For one week, the patient will be memorizing the alphabets and mathematical timetables. After that, a memory probe would be shoved up the patient’s _________ , while an psycho psychiatrist will upload the patient’s default memory via Black Tooth.
7) Wagging Tongue
“Let me tell you a juicy gossip about………(conversation lasting non-stop for nearly 72 hours)”
Mortality Rate: 150%. High mortality rate is due to victims of tarnished reputation seeking revenge on the gossip mongers, including their friends, families, extended families and innocent parties who accidentally overhead the gossip.
Symptoms: unsuppressed verbal diarrhoea. Terminal patients will suffer from Gila Tongue Disease, where the tongue will develop a mind of its own and try to escape from the owner.
Causes: Gossiping non-stop, spreading evil rumours, quarrelling for no reason and blowing loud raspberries.
Mortality: 25%. Death is due to terminal cases where the diseased tongue tearing itself from the mouth of the patient and leaves it bleeding to death.
Recommended Treatment:
1) A doctor at Freak Tock Seng Hospital will tape the mouth, staple the lips and sew them together, then solder the trap shut and finally apply industrial cement to ensure the eternal silence of the patient.
2) Patient can seek the help of a Summoner who will summon Siren, the Guardian Force, and cast Silent Voice, which cannot be cured by Esuna, Echo Screen, Remedy or Treatment.
3) Patient will undergo Tongue Amputation
8) Broken Heart
“She/He/It dumped me…..!” (Endless sobs, crying and wailing)
Causes: Being dumped by boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/mistress/pimp/pet. Alternative cause could be due to watching sappy dramas/romance movies or reading Oreo and Julie literature. Terminal case is due a devoted SONE being ignored by SNSD with letters and gifts being heartlessly thrown into the bin in front of the fan
Symptoms: uncontrollable crying, shattering sounds being issued from the chest
Warning: patient may cause insomnia to innocent parties due to loud wails and sobs. Friends of patient are advised to switch off their phones as the patient will 100% call them in the middle of the night and sob incoherently over the phone, robbing them of precious sleep. Terminal cases of Broken Heart will cause the patient to commit suicide, homicide, genocide and infanticide.
Danger: disease is contagious as strangers passing by will mysteriously pity them and cry along.
Recommended Treatment: patient will receive the Heartless Procedure, where the patient’s heart will be removed and the doctor will certify the patient eligible to migrate to the Other Realm. Treatment for cases due to SNSD causes will involve making the SONE sit in a Wonder Girls Live Concert and experience their love for the fans. This will heal the patient’s shattered heart and make it into an Anti-SNSD, cursing the nine plastics for all eternity.
Promotion! 2.5% discount if you seek treatment at Duck Duddha's Clinic. Just quote "Freakstimes ROCKS!"
Reported by: Duck Buddha
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
News Flash! - Breaking News! Murtabak Cloning Crisis
Murtabak Clone Army. Good news or a recipe for disaster?
Coming soon...
Coming soon...
Monday, April 26, 2010
NewsFlash - where you see your life flash past you
Beware! Impending tsunami weather all over Freaktopia! Freaktopians are to remain in paranoia and panic. Do not attempt to outrun the waves. Tsunami waves may contain sharks, pirahnas, and deep sea monsters. Please contact your funeral director and insurance agent as soon as possible.
Reported by: Kaypoberry
Reported by: Kaypoberry
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Joke of the Week
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will
be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a
season pass?"
Reported by: Urban Geek
out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will
be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a
season pass?"
Reported by: Urban Geek
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