Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Unclassified - Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe

The newest shop to spring up along the Backstreet Night Market (owned by Backstreet Boys) is the Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe. The extremely kaypo reporter, Mr Kaypoberry made a trip down to the Cafe, which is tucked away in a very ulu corner of the Backstreet to dig out some juicy news for you greedy and gluttony readers.

The first thing that the reporter noticed when he stepped into the shop was that the owner looked very familiar. In fact, he is Mr Kana Sai, the hot favorite in the last Martial Arts Competition held last century!

Run by Mr Kana Sai, who was previously popularly featured in Freakstimes's bi-millenium Martial Arts Competition, the sushi cafe carries a huge variety of sushis, ranging from the usual fare to the downright out-of-this-world range of sushis.

"After failing to win the championship title in the Martial Arts Competition, I decided to give up fighting and focus on my other favourite pastime instead - making sushis!" Said Mr Kana Sai, while rolling the rice into balls with his hands (which wasn't washed after he stepped out of the toilet).

"I love making different kinds of sushis! We should have more varieties of sushis than what is currently served in all those common mainstream japanese restaurants!" Mr Kana Sai added excitedly, spluttering his saliva into the sushi balls.

Currently, he is the sole owner of his cafe without any employees because he has no money. But he is looking to hire Sushi Interns who are willing to accept below minimum wage and be severely overworked and starved.* (details below). Interested parties may apply directly at his shop.

Our Kaypo reporter tasted 99% of the 9999 varieties of sushis and below are the best ones he picked out:

1. Nuclear Wasabe Bomb sushi
Ingredients: 99% wasabi, 1% rice
Description: This sushi is made using a ladle of top-grade wasabe from the Mountains of Osaka, added on top of 5 grains of rice. This sushi is perfect for wasabe lovers. Additional wasabe can be added at $28 per ladle.
Warning: You may suffer from permanent throat damage. Estimated to affect 99% of customers.

2. Tamade Goni Sushi
Ingredients: Egg, rice, and fresh seaweed
Description: A messy goo of rotten half-boiled egg is mixed with some rice and rolled into balls, and then wrapped with seaweed which is fresh from the Sentosa Sea. The salty seaweed apparently goes really well with the rotten egg taste!
Warning: Severe diarrhoea may result, and more critical cases may lead to coma.

3. Kaninabe Sushi
Ingredients: Crab meat, spider eggs, and rice
Description: Minced crab meat is mixed with Thousand Pagoda Thai Chili Sauce and Tanutama Tarantula Spider eggs, and the delicious concoction is placed on top of rolled up rice, and then wrapped with pandan leaf like Bachang.
Warning: Tanutama Tarantula Spiders may emerge after you unwrap the Bachang. In the event that this happens, please don't eat the spiders as they are extremely endangered species, and you should send them to the SPCA (Spiders Protection and Care Assocation).

4. Kanasai Sushi
Ingredients: Rotten eggpplant, bread mould, chicken backside essence, Smelly Toufu, and thousand year old durian, mixed in spoilt Dutch Lady Yoghurt and placed on top of rice washed with fishtank water, and wrapped with barbecued seaweed.
Description: The signboard dish of Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe, this sushi flavour is proclaimed by Mr Kana Sai as his favourite and best innovation. Indeed, Kaypoberry's verdict was that it truly lives up to its name as tasting like shit.

5. Kaneena Sushi
Ingredients: ikan bilis, banana skin, asparagus, and tree bark, all mashed up and added on top of rice and wrapped in freshly-mowed grass (who says you have to use seaweed?)
Description: The mush of highly incompatible ingedients created such a huge clash of taste that even a person with no taste-buds would faint and foam at the mouth from the extremely flavourful mixture.

6. Cow Peh Cow Bu Sushi
Ingredients: sliced beef marinated in dishwater, wrapped over rice and then sprinkled with sawdust
Description: For beef lovers, this sushi uses premium beef specially imported from the Mad Cow Disease Farm in Sinkapula. Even the dishwater is specially imported from the Hilton Hotel in Old York.
Warning: people without Mad Cow Disease may have a 80% of contracting the disease, while those with Mad Cow Disease would be 100% cured after eating this sushi.

7. Sibeh Sialan Sushi
Ingredients: Fishball, fried Kway teow and fried carrot cake, mashed up and mixed in Maggi Goreng sauce, and added on top of Loy Kee's Worse chicken rice, and then wrapped in popiah skin.
Description: This is one unique sushi with a local flavour for Sinkapulans! A must try for tourists who wish to have a taste of all our notorious local dishes, all at once!

8. Honi Kishi Sushi
Ingredients: Poison Toad meat, Lionfish meat, and box jellyfish, mixed in cobra venom and wrapped in Posion Ivy flower petals
Description: The most powerful, deadly, and wicked sushi of the lot, this sushi is not for the faint-hearted! Permanent incapacitation and even instant expiration is almost guaranteed! But probably worth it for the single, split-second taste of the legendary sushi. No doubt, and true to its name, it promises to kill you after eating it!
Warning: Customers are advised to apply for insurance before eating this sushi so that your family members will be well taken care of in the future in the event of your sudden departure to the other realm.

Customers who spend above $999 will get a $0.99 voucher for Kanenabo cosmetics products! *Redeemable only at Bimbocity.

*Sushi Interns

Interns will learn to make all kinds of sushis and also be forced to wash all the dishes, mop the floors, serve customers, wipe tables, basically the role will be a "Bao Ga Liao" one.

- must be PhD holders in Sushi Studies
- be able to churn out 99 sushis per minute
- must not be SNSD fans
- Wondergirls fans will be an advantage

Reported by: Urban Geek

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