Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Disease Compendium Part II - Paranormal and Abnormal Diseases

1) Pregnancy

“I feel… [retch]… pregnant”

Symptoms: morning sickness, afternoon sickness, evening sickness, whole-day sickness, mood swings, expanding waistline, suicidal depression.

Causes: having the insane desire to spawn a spoilt brat. Rare causes of Pregnancy might be due to spiritual possessions or cross-dressing in a maternity dress.

Mortality rate: 95%. Mortality is often due to spoilt brat driving the parents to their grave. Severe cases result in entire clan committing suicide out of frustration, irritation or shame.

Cure: Abortion or intentional miscarriage

Preventive measure: Permanent sterilization

2) Mad Corpse Disease

Symptoms: stench of decomposition lingering all over the place. Corpse will appear to be deranged and continuously froth at the mouth. Constant growling noises and scratching actions may signify a very hungry and murderous corpse is on the loose.

Causes: feeding unrefined Duck Matter to National Cadet Corpse. Common cause of Mad corpse Disease involves subjecting dead bodies to radioactive factory waste. Failed voodoo rituals or Duck Medium impersonation may result in catastrophic scale of Mad Corpse epidemic.

Mortality Rate: depends largely on the corpse’s killing and destructive capabilities. Death rate may vary according to the number of corpse infected and location of infection.

Warning: do not attempt to bring infected corpse home. Keep corpse clear of canines. Do not use common salt, sea water or drain water on corpse as they will cause it to projectile vomit Caustic Corpse Acid, which is capable of dissolving diamond.

Recommended Treatment: Use Phoenix Down, Purifying Salt or Holy Water. Spells such as Holy and Full-Life will cause the infected corpse to explode violently. May consider engaging the services of a Summoner to Send the mad corpse to the Other Realm.

3) Cursed

Symptoms: People around the cursed patient will mysteriously die from extremely violent deaths. Apparitions appearing around the oblivious patient, while spooky events scare the life out of others.

Causes: Living in Kayako’s house, watching Sadako’s tape, renting an apartment with a dead girl floating in the water tank, using a cursed camera, wishing on a flight of cursed stairs, putting on a pair of cursed red shoes or wig, etc…

Mortality: exceed 500%. Cursed patients brings premature death to everyone they come into contact with.

Warning: do not go near 500km radius of a Cursed patient, protective charms will spontaneously combust upon contact with the patient’s haunting aura.

Recommended Treatment: none available. Neither researcher nor doctor survived to come up with a cure. Quarantine patient and allow it to naturally expire from bad luck overdose.

Note: attempts to exorcise the patient will annoy the spirit haunting the patient, which would lead to the exorcist’s gruesome death. Recovered patients would be dragged to hell after five minutes of recovery.

4) Possession

“I don’t see dead people anywhere” – The Sick Sense

Details: Possession is different from Cursed, with the former having a spirit taking over the patient’s body while the latter lingers around and kill everyone in the vicinity.

Mortality Rate: 200%. Death occurs to both possessed and exorcist.

Causes: offending spirits during the Hungry Ghost Festival, stealing offerings, failed impersonation of the Duck Medium’s Spiritual Summoning or failed attempt in Sending a spirit off to the Other Realm.

Symptoms: 360° horizontal head rotation, speaking in tongues, projectile vomiting, levitation, glowing syndrome

Recommended Treatment: in the case of Hungry Ghost Month possession, ignore the patient and patiently wait until the month is over as the ghost would be forced to return to hell automatically. For other cases, incinerate the patient together with the spirit. In the case of possession due to stealing offerings, let the patient deal with the spirit. Failed impersonation of the Duck Medium; no cure.

5) Reckless Driving

Symptoms: steering the steering wheel and ramming the accelerator like a maniac. Stealing cars are driving them into lamp posts, signs, dustbins and through buildings. Early symptoms include addiction to racing games and humming tunes from Tokyo Drift and Initial D. Terminal patients will remove the car’s brakes.

Causes: playing too much Need for Speed and developing the joy of running over pedestrians.
Warning: do not be in the same vehicle as the patient. Patient would have the compulsion to drive at break neck speed and mow every pedestrian to death. Terminal patients will drive off Mount Pra’s cliffs.

Note: Insurance policies do not cover victims of Reckless Driving. Cross roads at your own risk.
Mortality Rate: unknown. Depends on the traffic volume and number of clueless pedestrians.

Recommended Treatment: patients would undergo Snail Therapy at Freak Tock Seng Hospital, where they are required to drive a funeral hearse at a torturous and mentally-frustrating snail pace. Following which, they must attend a dead boring road safety lesson that will be conducted for 7200 consecutive hours until they develop a phobia of driving.

6) Leaky Memory

“Who’s this again?”

Mortality rate: 50%. Mortality is due to patient forgetting to continue breathing.

Symptoms: Huh? Symptoms? What are symptoms? Who am I?

Causes: Falling in love with SNSD’s SeoWho? and watching Jackie Chan’s “Who Am I” movie more than once.

Recommended Treatment: Patient will undergo a Memory Recovery Treatment process at Freak Tock Seng Hospital. For one week, the patient will be memorizing the alphabets and mathematical timetables. After that, a memory probe would be shoved up the patient’s _________ , while an psycho psychiatrist will upload the patient’s default memory via Black Tooth.

7) Wagging Tongue

“Let me tell you a juicy gossip about………(conversation lasting non-stop for nearly 72 hours)”

Mortality Rate: 150%. High mortality rate is due to victims of tarnished reputation seeking revenge on the gossip mongers, including their friends, families, extended families and innocent parties who accidentally overhead the gossip.

Symptoms: unsuppressed verbal diarrhoea. Terminal patients will suffer from Gila Tongue Disease, where the tongue will develop a mind of its own and try to escape from the owner.

Causes: Gossiping non-stop, spreading evil rumours, quarrelling for no reason and blowing loud raspberries.

Mortality: 25%. Death is due to terminal cases where the diseased tongue tearing itself from the mouth of the patient and leaves it bleeding to death.

Recommended Treatment:
1) A doctor at Freak Tock Seng Hospital will tape the mouth, staple the lips and sew them together, then solder the trap shut and finally apply industrial cement to ensure the eternal silence of the patient.
2) Patient can seek the help of a Summoner who will summon Siren, the Guardian Force, and cast Silent Voice, which cannot be cured by Esuna, Echo Screen, Remedy or Treatment.
3) Patient will undergo Tongue Amputation

8) Broken Heart

“She/He/It dumped me…..!” (Endless sobs, crying and wailing)

Causes: Being dumped by boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/mistress/pimp/pet. Alternative cause could be due to watching sappy dramas/romance movies or reading Oreo and Julie literature. Terminal case is due a devoted SONE being ignored by SNSD with letters and gifts being heartlessly thrown into the bin in front of the fan

Symptoms: uncontrollable crying, shattering sounds being issued from the chest

Warning: patient may cause insomnia to innocent parties due to loud wails and sobs. Friends of patient are advised to switch off their phones as the patient will 100% call them in the middle of the night and sob incoherently over the phone, robbing them of precious sleep. Terminal cases of Broken Heart will cause the patient to commit suicide, homicide, genocide and infanticide.

Danger: disease is contagious as strangers passing by will mysteriously pity them and cry along.

Recommended Treatment: patient will receive the Heartless Procedure, where the patient’s heart will be removed and the doctor will certify the patient eligible to migrate to the Other Realm. Treatment for cases due to SNSD causes will involve making the SONE sit in a Wonder Girls Live Concert and experience their love for the fans. This will heal the patient’s shattered heart and make it into an Anti-SNSD, cursing the nine plastics for all eternity.

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Reported by: Duck Buddha

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