Tuesday, May 25, 2010

News Flash! 600 Died in Road Race

~ Where Mr Bull Head and Mr Horse Face Flatten the news out for you! ~

Freaktopia - On a very unmemorable day on 18/2/5000BC, Freaktopia's national last-ranking college organized an event called the Road Race. (The college is Freaktopiana Junior College - where all goons, fools, morons, and other assorted stupid people go)

As Freaktopiana Junior College (FJC) has a notorious reputation for being extremely superstitious, the principal hired the Great Grand Seer to do a divination prior to the event. As fate would have it, the Great Grand Seer collapsed and fainted upon stepping into the college, even before the divination rites could be conducted. The Seer suddenly convulsed and started doing the "duck-medium" trance (she paid the Duck Medium to teach her). She made a cryptic comment (maybe a prediction) that the school has a very idiotic aura and the aura would cause the students to shorten their lives by 50 years and for teachers, 80 years.

FJC holds a reputable record for the highest number of students dying each year and teachers as well. Last century, FJC saw 946 students pass away due to stress, suicide, love affairs, bankruptcy, etc while 57 teachers died from excessive loss of blood due to Hae Mo Blood Vomitting Syndrome (teachers contract this disease after 2 days of teaching and the disease often escalates to terminal stage within 7 days.)

Seconds before the Road Race, the school reminded the students to call their lawyers to write their wills and last testaments and to bade farewell to their friends and family before they depart. The route is a total of 4800km and the students have to run across the PIE, BKE, SLE, CTE, and all other combinations of 3 letters - 49 rounds. And also for the last lap, students are required to run along the Bulldozer Flyover where bulldozers travel at the speed of 1000km/s.

The Race lasted for 50 days, after which the race ended when the last snail entered the school gate and died due to excessive blood loss and missing lower body. 4 days before the Race ended, the Bulldozer Flyover collapsed as 104 bulldozers were jammed due to too many body parts being stuck in the engines, rendering the vehicles immobile.

As a result, it caused a major pileup of 200 bulldozers and explosion with the force of 100 nuclear warheads, taking 600 students together with all the bulldozer drivers to heaven.

Fortunately, the remaining surviving students suffered only permanent damage such as loss of limbs, mangled body, missing lower body, paralysis, multiple and irreparable fractures etc which the insurance companies refused to pay for unless threatened by lawyer letters (must be from Lee Law Firm).

The Mass Funeral will take place on 31 Dec 5000 BC at the Pulau Hantu Landfill (where dead students are reminded to arrange for their own burial and call their family priest to chao du them) at 12 midnight.

Attendance is compulsory. Absentees will be expelled unless parents threaten to complain to the Ministry of Education.

Reported by Mr Bull Head and Mr Horse Face

(By Duck Medium, Edited by Urban Geek)

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