News Flash!!! Hang Ten Inc. Sets Up Business in Freaktopia

The Execution Professionals

Freaktopia - The Freaktopia Penitentiary executioners have long been overworked. As a result of the recent spurt in the number of prisoners being given the death sentence, the number of executions they have to carry out daily has become even far more than what the number of executioners available at the Penitentiary can handle. The straw that broke the camel's back (camel was immediately sent to the Freaktopian Animal Hospital) when the electric chair used to administer the electrocution sentence broke down and the executioners had to resort to manual flogging to beat the deathrow inmates to death. This resulted in even greater fatigue for the executioners, some of whom broke their backs in the process and had to be sent to the same hospital as the camel. Meanwhile, the prisoners are accumulating as the rate of inflow of prisoners exceeds the rate of prisoners executed. The Penitentiary has been reduced to a chaotic mess as the prisoners wreaked havoc every day, driving 50% of the wardens to madness and 45% to suicide. The remaining 5% are threatening to quit.

In a bid to tackle this pressing issue, the Ministry has decided to outsource the executions to Hang Ten Inc., a professional execution organization. The 10-year contract is reported to be worth $10 billion. "We are pleased to be able to work with the Ministry, to utilize our expertise in carrying out executions to serve the country. We have been around since 100B.M. (Before Murtabaks) so you can trust us to execute our executions efficiently and painlessly...well, more or less." Said Mr Lau Sai, who was previously the CEO of Lau Sai Funeral Services Company.

Hang Ten is a publicly-listed company with about 2000 employees, including 1000 professionally trained executioners. The executioners have been painstakingly headhunted and scouted from around the world, including the other realm, to ensure that only the best and most talented ones are hired for the highly-challenging job. The criteria include: must be at least 8 foot tall, weigh at least 150kg, able to wield a 100kg executioner sword, able to carry 10 men etc. Executioners are paid a salary of $100,000 per month. Their services are in high demand throughout Freaktopia and the Other Realm, which have plenty of dispensable human beings to kill off. According to the HR manager, the next hiring round will be in 2015.

The menu of execution services are detailed below, divided into the traditional and non-traditional categories. Judges can now enjoy a much wider and exciting range of execution methods to choose from to bestow on the doomed criminals.

Traditional Methods

Proven techniques of execution which have been passed down over the millennia, these are sure-fire, moron-proof, economical and efficient ways to deliver death-inducing punishments on the death-row inmates.

1. Hanging

Description: Just like what you see in hangman, the prisoner is sent to the gallows and hung. Death is quick and clean.
Gore Level: 0/10

2. Electrocution

Description: Prisoner sits on an electric chair. A high voltage is passed through the prisoner's body, forcefully expelling his soul from his physical body. A series of higher voltages can be administered for more exciting effects. For instance, at maximum voltage, the body will be burned to a charred crisp (suitable for use in bbq parties).
Gore level: 0-5/10

3. Shooting

Description: Various guns or rifles, and even a cannon are available to choose from. Depending on the type of gun, a single shot or multiple shots may be required. Trigger-happy mode is also available but at an extra charge of $10,000.

Gore level: depends on the type of guns and bullets. 1 – 9/10.

4. Decapitation

Description: There are many choices of swords, knifes, choppers, parangs, etc to choose from, providing different styles of cut.

Gore level: 6/10

Unholy Methods

Executioners from the Other Realm are hired for this category of execution methods.

However, exorcists are needed to send back the executioners after the task is over, which can get pretty messy.

1. Possession

A priest is required to summon a vengeful and bloodthirsty spirit to possess the inmate, which the forceful spiritual possession will cause the prisoner’s neck to twist 360° like in the Exorcist. The spirit may be asked to carry out the following acrobatic stunts:

A) Projectile vomiting until body is drier than the Sahara Desert

B) Twisting the body like a pretzel

C) Self mutilation by breaking bones one by one

D) Smashing head into the wall until the cranium is plastered on the wall like wallpaper.

Note: alternatively, the priest can choose to simply exorcise the inmate’s soul from his body and destroy it via Exorcism.

Gore Factor: 7/10 -9/10 depending on cooperativeness and creativity of the summoned spirit

Karma Executions

1. Acts of God

In contrast with the execution option of Divine Punishment which sought the help of God to dispose of the human scumbag, this execution method simply plays on the inmate’s karma, just desserts and designation retribution by the twisted Fate.

A) Slipped to death (choose from a wide selection of surfaces like: lethally soapy bathroom floor, ice rink, oil coated stairs, frictionless marble floor)

B) Pushed into the way of a speeding funeral hearse

C) Crushed to death by a falling grossly overweight suicide victim

D) Becoming a victim of a suicide bomber in the Off-Middle East

E) Decapitated by fan blade

F) Falling into a wood chipper or mincing machine

G) Locked in a freezer (sub-zero temperature)/furnace (hot enough to melt steel)

H) Bleed to death from a deep cut on the neck when shaving

I) Trapped in a lift falling from 999^th storey to basement 1

J) Knocked unconscious by falling showerhead and landing face first into a basin full of water

K) Natural expiration

Note: judge can pray to God for other Acts of God not specified in the list. Additional legal fees and taxes will be billed to the prosecuting party.

Conventional Executions

A) Starvation - good money-saving method

B) Exhaustion resulting from slave labour - excellent way to leverage on doomed prisoners to help build the Great Wall of Chikila in Kootupura

C) Hanging from the Cliff of Mount Pra by the nail’s edge of the inmate’s broken appendage and limb (can choose to hang from toe, tongue, teeth or hair)

D) Iron Maiden (thickness and length of spikes can be changed)

E) Suffocation (pillow, bolster, mattress, artificial breasts, ass, elephant, rhinoceros or other assorted safari animals)

F) Placed under an extra-large magnifying glass on a fine and insanely hot day - great for science practical lessons for grade 6 kids

New Patented Execution Methods (Promotion! 5% off)

1. Flogging

Note: prisoner will be injected with substances that will heighten their sense of pain

- Choose from a wide selection of objects to be flogged with:

A) Military alloy baseball bat

B) Furniture (metal chair, banquet table, metallic library shelves, computers, TVs, stoves, ovens)

C) Tools (screwdrivers, hammers, mallets, ladders)

D) Whip with electrified barbed wire

E) Er Mei Bitch Slap technique x 100000 times

Gore level: different options result in different gore levels and time taken to kill the prisoner, though death is 100% guaranteed. Option of flogging can be chosen by either the judge or victim.

2. Cooking

A) Burnt at the stake (Salem-style or Silent Hill style)

B) Deep fried

C) Boiled/ steamed

D) Microwaved

E) Barbequed

F) Others: executioners can call up chefs at Critters Connoisseur Cuisine to seek advice on more cooking methods to send their prisoners off.

Note: all options will have the end result given to Fijians to enjoy. The judge may order Fijians to carry out the cooking execution and charge them with the duty to dispose the leftovers.

Gore level: option A will provide the most satisfaction to sadists and victims alike.

3. Divine punishments

This form of execution requires priests from Saint Murtabak Church to pray for the inmate’s obliteration via God’s divine wrath.

A) Struck by lightning storms

B) Spontaneous human combustion/death via heat wave (latter is slower and more torturous)

C) Cardiac arrest

D) Swallowed up by earthquake

E) Frozen to death

F) Crushed by avalanche/landslide

G) Traffic Accident (hit by speeding unicycle, bicycle, tricycle, trishaw, motorbike, car, van, ambulance, lorry, truck, concrete mixer, crane carrier, train, falling plane and all of the above)

H) Decimated by falling meteor

4. Military executions

A) Thrown off Mount Pra’s summit naked (Mt Pra height: 99999999999 feet)

B) Thrown off fighter jet naked (from the stratosphere)

C) Dangling off the tail of a fighter jet by a rope and dragged over the Hombalaya Mountain range until inmate becomes an unrecognizable mass of pulverized meat splattered over the geological feature

D) Mowed down by speeding tank and tank reversed over corpse by “accident” several times

E) Firing squad firing at point blank (choose gun of your choice)

F) Decapitation (with butter knife, plastic birthday cake knife, tea spoon or dessert fork)

G) Dismemberment (5 horse dismemberment, giant squid dismemberment, 5 cars dismemberment, 5 victim dismemberment, self dismemberment with a penknife

H) Electrocution (light up like a Christmas tree)

I) Drowning (in debts and bills, sewage water, rainwater, drain water, saliva, dishwater, contaminated water, stagnant water, tonic water, toxic water or distilled water)

J) Stuffed into a torpedo launch tube and fired at Mount Ro with maximum force

K) Packed into a nuclear missile with 5000kg of nitro glycerin and fired at the HQ of Al Thosai Terrorist Corporation Inter-dimensional (explosion can be seen from the Butterfly Nebula).

L) Locked in a shed loaded with :

- Firecrackers

- Barrels of gunpowder

- Tanks of leaking methane gas

- Dynamites

-Grenades

- Military grade nitro glycerin

- Nuclear missiles

M) Locked in a bigger shed with all of the above incendiaries

Note: please press the detonator from a safe distance. Hang Ten Inc. will not be responsible for any loss of limb, body parts, sanity, bodily functions or life. Explosion will result in a crater as big as the moon.

5. Mutabak Executions

A) Dissected alive by scalpel-wielding toddlers at Woodbridge Childcare

B) Experimented on by Immortal SSW

C) Sent to Royal Urban University of Mutabak/ Allopia Spy School/ Unknown University as live specimen for Practical Execution module.

D) Tortured to insanity then death by royal canine, Whiskey

E) Used by Duck Medium or High Summoner Uban Geek as a human sacrifice to calm/bribe the Mutabakian deities.

F) Forced to watch Sadako’s cursed tape for 24h

G) Thrown into Kayako’s cursed home

H) Forced to take a swim in water tank with Mitsuko

I) Forced to carry Natre until spine and neck snap

J) Force fed with unrefined Duck Matter

K) Berated into suicide by combined naggings of Queen Cheaporella and Queen Mutabak

Reported by: Urban Geek and Duck Medium

Kung Fu Massage Parlour - New Services!!!

Due to overwhelming response (99% negative, 1% neutral) from the Freaktopian masses, the Kung Fu Massage Parlour is expanding, after only 3 days of launch of the new business. Exciting new services will be provided as follows, with the hiring of even more incompetent Kung Fu masters from exotic places such as the Mount Er Mei Mei, Wudung Temple, and the Ancient Cemetery on Mount Zhongnan.

Skill: Nine Yin White Bone Claw (unorthodox version)

Description: For customers suffering from chronic uncontrollable itching, the masseuse will utilise her long and unwashed fingernails to claw all the skin off the customer. Alternatively, if the customer desires to lose weight quickly, the masseuse will stab her toenails into the customer’s body and absorb the fats into her own body to be converted into inner energy to service the next customer.

Strength: 2/10

Suitable for: controllable itching, obesity

Side effects: permanent scarring, permanent loss of skin or death by mincing. For liposuction services, customers may 99.9% perish as the masseuse might suck him/her drier than the Sahara Desert.

Skill: Nine Yin White Bone Claw (orthodox version)

Description: The mistress will use her sharp fingernails to burst any acne or pimple on the customer’s face. Also, she will use the sharpness of her nails to dig out every single whitehead and blackhead that exist in the pores of the customer’s face.

Strength: 1/10

Suitable: outbreaks of acne or pimples. Permanent removal of heads

Side effects: accidental decapitation or disfigurement. Squeezing black and whiteheads carries the risk of severing major arteries on the head which may lead to death via haemorrhaging, coma or permanent brain damage.

Skill: Jiu Yang Shen Gong (Nine Sun Divine Skill)

Description: An expert in this martial art will stand under a baking desert sun and mix the heat with his burning internal energy. He then hits the customer hard on the back and channels the searing energy to dispel all chills and boosts the overall vitality to encourage regeneration and healing.

Suitable for: Frostbite patients, chills and other assorted maladies

Side effects: spontaneous combustion, permanent brain damage, accidental mummification via severe dehydration. Customers who survive the heat may undergo genetic mutation and develop mutant powers or sprout extra appendages and limbs. Temporary Jesus Syndrome may be experienced*.

Price: $9999 per 0.1°C

Skill: Iron Palms

Description: Using his iron-like palms which was developed over millennia by hitting Mount Ro, the Kung Fu mistress Qiu Qianren will viciously strike the customer in the various vital accupoints and joints. This will allow the pressure points to open and let the energy and clogged blood to flow.

Suitable for: paralyzed patients. Chronic lethargy or numbness

Side effects: smashed organs, utter destruction of skeleton and death

Cost: $999 per strike and additional $9999 for unblocking each acupoint

Skill: Toad Stance

Description: The master and creator of this skill, Ouyang Feng, will take on the stance of a toad that is preparing to leap to its death. Gathering his inner energy about his legs and palms, the master will leap with great force and hit the customer hard on the chest, back or stomach to dislodge whatever they want to be dislodged.

Suitable for: pregnant women experiencing difficult labour, abortion for unwanted pregnancies, induce vomiting for anorexics, conjoined twins and customers choking on fishballs or fish bones.

Side effects: customers may be flung off their beds/feet and smash into neighbouring customers or parlour walls. Ruptured organs may result. Customers may also be split apart should the master use excessive force.

*Extracted from WoodBridge Dictionary of Medicine

Jesus Syndrome is a temporary malady which causes the patient to grow a beard like Jesus and develop a fashion sense like the Holy Son. It was also observed that the patient will be able to perform minor miracles like curing the terminally ill, parting traffic and walk on flooded drains without falling in and drowning. Symptoms of this illness are physically visible as a golden halo will surround the head, sounds of heavenly trumpets will surround the patient and puncture wounds will appear on the palms and feet of the patient, in addition to the outdated dress sense and horrible beard.

The syndrome could only be contracted by praying to god for no reason, visiting the church (blessed toilets are included) more than 365 times a day or eating a Bible (VCD, DVD and audio recordings are included are well). There is no cure for this illness and treatment is not necessary as it will pass after a decade or so, the time taken for Jesus to be arrested, tortured and crucified. The public should note that Jesus Syndrome is non-infectious.

A more severe case of Jesus Syndrome is called Hyper-divinity Syndrome. Here, the patient will have access to arcane abilities to flood Freaktopia, call forth the ten plagues or condemn ordinary mortals to Hell if they did not obey or worship the patient. Many delusional patients claimed to be inflicted with such disease, however do not exhibit symptoms such as obscurity of the face by thick clouds or bright light, booming voice and ability to smite mortals down with lightning bolts or other assorted natural or unnatural calamities.

The sole remedy for this non-infectious disease is Expiration Therapy to allow the patient depart from the mortal realm before more misfortune befalls it. Therapists are to note that all conventional methods of murder and exorcism will not work, and they are expected to perish while trying to convince the patient to expire as soon as possible.

Reported by: Duck Medium

2011 New Year Special Feature - Gullwings Exploration Corporation and the Discovery of Atlantis

Ever since the Gullwings Exploration Corporation uncovered Veggiepura and Fruitopia, Freaktopia hads experienced an alarming increase in trade, overwhelming consumption of plants as well as dramatic changes in emigration trends between the mortal and Other realm. Recently, the YRP (Yuna, Riku and Paine) exploration team chanced upon a rare, ancient and impossibly incomprehensible map when they were sifting through their Hombalaya Mountain of musty manuscripts, cluttered and cursed artefacts and stacks of coffins, sarcophaguses and freeze-dried mummies in a vain attempt to locate their ring of keys (inclusive of house, safe, bedroom, car and office ones). The map, according to archaeologists at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, was believed to be from the Lava Age, approximately 987654321123456789 years ago. Expert cartographers from the Unknown University and professors from Allopia Spy School’s linguistics department were stumped by the language, or should the Freakstimes say, the myriad of unintelligible squiggles in the form of octopuses, sea serpents, fishes, crustaceans and other assorted unknown marine biology that will make the Holy Immortal SSW froth at the mouth with uncontrollable excitement.

“My best guess would be that the language could be the written form of Atlantish, the long lost tongue of the long lost Atlantis,” inferred Professor Crabs. “I concur with Professor Crabs because the chart was filled with flowing lines that could give anyone seasickness and pictograms are that of seafood, the staple diet of Atlantians,” agreed Dr. Lobster. He said in his book, Atlantis: the Fall and Decline of a Drowning Civilisation, that the civilisation was brought down due to a lethal combination of hepatitis, poorly planned sewage system and the lack of ritual sacrifices to placate the gods of the ocean and all things liquid. Several academics in the intellectual arena have stubbornly refused to believe in the existence of Atlantis as the Makansutra said Atlantis was ‘decimated by the vile sewage it churned out which incurred the divine wrath of the gods for the stench had reached the heavens’. The Makansutra is the holiest culinary book of Freaktopia which has the most accurate historical records of the multi-verse ever since freakkind’s creation of the first curry, and its empty pages are continuously being filled every nanosecond.

Desperate to get the ancient naval chart deciphered, the Gullwings Corporation offered a reward of fifty cents to anyone who is able to translate the meaningless symbols. Unfortunately, the sole person who was capable of performing the feat had abruptly passed away when his great grandson accidentally wrote his name on a Death Note he had recently procured from e-bay. The Duck Medium was roused from its coma* to perform a spiritual summoning of the old man to assist the YRP in making sense out of the prehistoric piece of paper. However, due to the Duck Medium’s adverse reaction to all things associated with seafood, it collapsed into a dead faint which even the Wing Chun Bitch Slaps could not revive the Medium. As the High Summoner Urban Geek is currently nowhere to be found in all three realms of existence, the deciphering of the map had to be put on hold until Freak Tock Seng Hospital’s department of Spiritual Medicine could figure out a suitable treatment that would not impede the Medium’s powers or brain.

Allopia Spy School, Royal Urban University of Mutabak and the Unknown University had authenticated the map as a bona fide and an extremely valuable artefact. The Princess of Mutabak Kingdom had placed the document inside the Infidelity Library which is protected by security systems and personnel which were provided by Goldilocks and even Goldilocks herself had no idea what they are. The Princess Mutabak had received news of evil relatives collaborating with Dr. Lala Cloth of Tomb Raiders Inc. to steal the map for their own evil perverted purposes. “I would like to see them try enter the Library. That damned place is so deadly that even I, the architect, am afraid of it,” said Princess Mutabak, who was visibly shaking in a corner of her 5000 hectare bedchamber.

*The Duck Medium was suffering from acute Leaky Memory Syndrome and had foolishly decided to seek treatment at the newly opened Kung Fu Massage Parlour without bothering to read the treatments’ side effects. It went for the Luo Han Fist and Golden Needles of Jade Bee package. The package had a ten-cent discount for first-time-and-last-time customers.

Launch of Kung Fu Massage Parlour in Freaktopia!

Chinese martial arts, popularly known as "kung Fu", has developed over millions of years in the Land of Tiongs, a huge continent North of Kootupura. It includes over a thousand different sets of skills created by many different Kung Fu Masters from different sects. Besides being used for self-defense, strengthening the mind and body, and attacking adversaries, Kung Fu has also been used in sports such as soccer, lending players an incredible advantage over opponents. Indeed, the Shaolin Soccer Team has won every Inter-realm Cup since 999 B.M. (Before Murtabak)

Another area of application of Kung Fu is the Culinary Art. The Shaolin Chef Academy has consistently produced world-renowned and inter-realmly acclaimed chefs who are highly sought after by 99-stars hotels in both realms. The Shaolin Chefs use their powerful internal energy (nei gong) to simmer the broth to perfection. Some use their spectacular sword skills to slice and dice the ingredients into precise, flawless shapes and sizes. A unique skill originating from the Fire Temple Sect - the True Samadhi Fire - is the pinnacle of the culinary martial arts skill. In fact, there are only 3 Kung Fu Masters who know the True Samadhi Fire skill. Meng Po, according to rumours, stole the skill from one of the masters by seducing him with her trademark Meng Po Soup. She then went on to create the ultimate True Samadhi Fire Soup that has received rave reviews from famous food connoisseurs around the world.

And now, the great ancient art is being spread into the art of massage, which is aimed at enhancing the physical function and promoting relaxation and well-being of the body, as well as healing certain diseases. It is also very useful for treating orthopaedic problems. Traditional massage uses painstaking kneading and squeezing and punching and other hand techniques. Some non-traditional kinds include stomping on the body using the smelly feet. Kung Fu massage, in contrast, uses Kung Fu skills like the 18 Dragon-Subduing Palms (降龍十八掌) and the Luo Han Fist (羅漢拳) to achieve maximum efficiency and effectiveness (in making the customer vomit blood and possibly go into coma).

The first and only place to offer the unique Kung Fu Massage is the new Grand Kung Fu Massage Parlour. Customers can be rest assured as the Kung Fu Massage Masters have received their certification from the Kung Fu Massage Academy after going through a 2-hours training session.

The list of services, descriptions, and prices are as follows:

Skill: 18 Dragon-Subduing Palms
Description: 18 powerful strokes of the palm is delivered onto the back of the customer, with each subsequent palm of increasing strength. Customers rarely survive beyond the 9th stroke. By the 18th stroke, all the bones would have been broken and relocated, and then magically renewed.
Strength Level: 9/10
Suitable for: Severe backaches
Side effects: Customer may perish from the merciless 18 powerful strokes of the palm (98% mortality rate). Customers are advised to wear full metal armors to cushion the strong impacts (must provide yourself!)
Price: $1000 per hour

Skill: 5 Poison Palm
Description: The Kung Fu Master's palm is infused with 5 of the top most lethal poisons in the world - Tanutama Tarantula Spider Venom, King Cobra's Urine, Snowy Poision Toad Saliva, Monster Lionhead Fish Pus, and the Electric Jellyfish Essence - and the poisons are transferred into the customer's body through the Master's palm. These powerful poisons can kill off other poisons that the customer suffers from.
Strength Level: 8/10
Suitable for: Poisoning
Side effects: The 5 poisons may be able to kill other poisons but there is no antidote for these 5 posons.
Price: $999 per hour

Skill: Divine Flicking Finger (Yi Yang Zhi)
Description: Just by a flick of a finger, any dislocated bone will be pushed back in place and any sore muscle spots will be healed. The whole process takes only a split second.
Strength Level: 5/10
Suitable for: Sprains, bone dislocation, sore muscles
Side effects: None
Price: $88 per second

Skill: Dog Beating Stick
Description: Using the legendary Dog Beating Stick passed down from the Beggar Sect, the Kung Fu Master hits the customer's vital points and joints, inducing paralysis and severe internal injury. However, once total internal destruction takes place, the whole body will be renewed.
Strength Level: 9/10
Suitable for: Whole body aches
Side effects: Possible irrecoverable paralysis
Price: $999 per hit

Skill: Luo Han Fist
Description: 18 Luo Han Masters take turns to deliver deadly punches onto the customer's body with their Bronze-coated fists. The customer ultimately either dies of internal injury or from smashed organs
Strength level: 10/10
Suitable for: Stiff bones and muscles, broken bones
Side effects: Instant death
Price: $777 per fist

Skill: Iron Head Skill
Description: Using his powerful head - cultivated over centuries of head training on Mount Pra - the Master hits the customer's body to push dislocated bones back into position and to cure muscle aches.
Strength level: 9/10
Suitable for: Dislocated or broken bones, muscle sores
Side effects: Vomit blood
Price: $1000 per hit of the head

Skill: Eagle Claw
Description: With long, unkempt, eagle-like talons, the Kung Fu Master uses the Eagle Claw skill to scratch the itchy spots of the customer's body.
Strength Level: 7/10
Suitable for: Itchiness, rash
Side effects: Risk of being shredded to pieces
Price: $799 per min

Skill: Golden Needles of Jade Bee
Description: Master Xiao Long Nu from the Ancient Tomb Sect uses her patented Jade Bee Golden Needles to perform acupuncture for the customer. These needles are extremely rare and poisonous, and are very effective for treating arthritis.
Strength Level: 5/10
Suitable for: Arthritis, various diseases
Side effects: kena posioned
Price: $1001 per needle

Skill: Breaking Ice Palm
Description: The Master channels his internal energy to generate cold icy palms and then through hitting onto the customer's body, the stiffness of the entire body is dispelled.
Strength level: 7/10
Suitable for: Muscle and bone stiffness
Side effects: Hypothermia, cold
Price: $999 per palm

Skill: Taiji Quan
Description: Using painfully slow and gentle strokes of the palm to hit the customer's vital points, all sore muscles and joints are soothed with great effect.
Strength level: 1/10
Suitable for: Mild muscle aches
Side effects: None, but the process takes a looooooooong time (at least 20 hours)
Price: $999 per hour

Skill: Wing Chun Bitch Slaps
Description: The Master delivers a series of powerful bitch slaps onto the customer's body using the famous Wing Chun skill. The customer's entire body is instantly healed from all maladies.
Strength level: 8/10
Suitable for: Multipurpose
Side effects: redness and swelling from all the slapping
Price: $99 per slap

The Grand Kung Fu Massage Parlour is now open at Level 3 Bimbocity, Freaktopia.

Offer: 3% discount for first 100 customers.
Condition: Must be Starcup user

Reported by: Urban Geek

Allopia Spy School Opens New Campus in Sinkapula

Freaktopia - The prestigious education and training institute for young elites and child prodigies, Allopia Spy School, is opening a new campus on the sunny island of Sinkapula. The new campus will be headed by Mr Dumbdoor, who has previously led the Hogwash School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to the top of the College Ranking List in the Freaktopian Financial Times for 99 years in a row.

"I am very excited to join the Allopia Spy School, which has consistently produced the best spies, assassins, secret agents and other intelligence and espionage experts who have contributed greatly to the peace and chaos of Freaktopia and the Other Realm." Said Mr Dumbdoor in a press conference. According to the Director of Allopia Spy School, Mr Dumbdoor will be appointed as the Principal under a 999 years contract. During which, he will be paid an annual salary of $7.7 billion and a monthly bonus of $1.50.

The degrees and some of the modules offered for each track are as follows:
1. Ninja track
- Ninja History and Culture
- Japanese language Level 1 - 20
- Nanchaku skills Level 1 - 10
- Kata skills Level 1 - 15
- Invisibility Skills Level 1 - 10
- Tree Climbing & Jumping Skills Level 1 - 15

2. Assassin track
- Weapons theory
- Weapons practical 1: Assembly and disassembly
- Weapons practical 2: Shooting Level 1 - 20
- Sneaking Skills Level 1 - 20
- Disguising Skills Level 1 - 10
- Martial Arts (choice of Shaolin/Wudang/Emei/Foshan Sect Skills)
- Language Skills (Choice of 30 out of 50 languages offered)
- 1 year practical skills training at the Assassins Camp on Mount Ro

3. Hackers track
- Computer theory
- Hacking Basic Theory
- Hacking Skills Level 1 - 100
- Programming Skills Level 1 - 50
- Basic Spying Skills Level 1 - 5

4. Double Agent track (Choice of Triad Route or Police Route)
- Undercover Theory
- Guest Lectures and practical skills workshops by ex-undercover agents
- Undercover Skills Level 1 - 20
- Gangster Behavior and Mannerism OR Police Behavior and Mannerism
- Advanced Spying Skills Level 1 - 20
- Acting Classes Level 1 - 20

5. Detective track
- Detective Work Theory
- Forensic Theory Level 1 - 10
- Forensic Practical Level 1 - 10
- Intermediate Weapons Skills Level 1 - 5
- Intermediate Spying Skills Level 1 - 10
- Advanced Snooping Skills Level 1 - 20
- 1 year Attachment at CIA or FBI

There will be a students recruitment roadshow held on Mount Pra (location sponsored by Holy Immortal SSW) on 1st January 2012 (assuming no apocalypse occurs). Registration fee is $100000 - Admission not guaranteed unless you bribe the Registration officer with $999999999 and 2 mandarin oranges.

Talent scouts will also hunt all around Freaktopia and the Other Realm for talented candidates who can then be admitted to the new Allopia Spy School campus for free.

Reported by: Urban Geek

News Flash! War and Beauties

Freaktopia (Mutabak Kingdom) – Kaneenabo, a leading company in the beauty industry, had recently launched its new product, Forever 91, at Bimbo City. Forever 91 is a much anticipated product by the bratty underage population of Freaktopia as it hastens the consumer’s maturity and accelerates aging. Inhabitants as young as newborns are clamouring for the immediate sale of Forever 91, ever since Kaneenabo announced its intention to research for a way to solve the young consumers’ issue with age limits since last millennium.

Due to the intense marketing and promotional activities by its competitor, Forever 21 Inc, and coupled with Forever 21’s miraculous Forever 21 Beauty Pills which grant the consumers everlasting youth and retained the looks they had when they were 21, all of Kaneenabo’s customers flocked over to Forever 21 Inc in an instant. As a result, the company suffered tremendous loss of profits and was on the brink of bankruptcy.

However, Kaneenabo decided to make a comeback by introducing a different and unique product of a contrasting nature to the Forever 21 beauty pills. Forever 91 causes the consumers to physically age so rapidly that they are 91 years old in the battling of a heavily-coloured eyelid, yet retaining their original mental age.

The company is glad to announce that the effect is permanent, irreversible and cannot be counteracted by the immortalising properties of any substance containing traces of Essence of SSW. Being matured externally, the underage consumer is able to watch R21 movies, purchase cigarettes and alcohol, purchase firearms, purchase or rent cars and enter clubs and brothels though his/her/its identification card says otherwise. Furthermore, Forever 91 allows the consumer to retain the visage they had when they were 91!

Ms Ah Ma, President of the Association of Endangered Elderly and the founder of the Institute for the Hopelessly Single, attended the product launch together with a truckload of old folks and an army of unmarried, unwanted and undesirable singles. “Forever 91is absolutely incredible!” exclaimed Ms Ah Ma excitedly before going into cardiac arrest. “I cannot remember how I look since I was 91,” quipped Mr Ah Pek, 92.

Forever 91, is now available in all major shopping centres, 7-11s, neighbourhood mama shops and elderly homes near you. Anyone with a birth certificate is entitles to an additional tax of 1700% for every purchase. Produce your receipt and enjoy a free matchmaking session with any candidate of your choice from the Institute for the Hopelessly Single.
- Reported by Duck Medium

Kaneenabo had submitted an official complaint, together with laboratory results from the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, to King Yama, ruler of the Other Realm, claiming that the Forever 21 beauty pill contained generous amounts of Essence of Immortal SSW, a mysterious substance that was scientifically and spiritually proven to grant irreversible immortality.

The complaint was made through the Duck Medium. The file caused King Yama to burst several major arteries as Forever 21 denied him his claim on spirits. The Other Realm had sent an order to stop all production and sale of Forever 21 to Princess Mutabak, the monarch ruling the Mutabak Kingdom with gauntleted fists.

“A recent treaty signed by Freaktopia, Heavenly Realm and the Other Realm stated the Essence of Immortal SSW as a Class S controlled substance as it is capable of causing widespread devastation to all planes of existence due to its invincible and irreversible immortalising property,” intoned the Princess Mutabak in a brain-dead voice.

“SSW Immortal Products could only be sold to certified immortals, deceased and those conducting celestial research at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak’s Department of Theoretical and Practical Immortality,” said the Princess after punching a Straights Times reporter full in the face when the deaf imbecile asked the Her Highness to repeat her previous statement.

“I, hereby, decree all consumers of Forever 21 to undergo Expiration Therapy at Freak Tock Seng Hospital until they are fully de-immortalised. Forever 21 Inc is to cease all production and sale immediately, although I would like to have a carton of it as a sample,” said the Princess Mutabak before retiring back to her Royal Palace and slamming the newly-replaced door off its hinges.

-additional reporting by Duck Medium

News Flash! F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix

Eggplant Expressway (Veggiepura) – This year’s annual F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix will be held in Veggiepura after the vegetarian nation won the hosting bid by a huge margin as the other competitors’ representatives mysteriously vanished or wound up in the country’s mortuary in ash urns, cola bottles, packed into packets of NTUC minced pork.


“Veggiepura is proud to host this year’s F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix. We are confident of winning the hosting bid as lots of ‘preparation’ and ‘careful planning’ have been done to ensure success. The event will definitely garner lots of visitors from Freaktopia, the Heavenly Realm and the Other Realm as Veggiepura has worked hard to prevent live broadcast, online streaming, satellite spying and crystal ball viewing of the event,” said a spokesperson from Veggiepura’s Ministry of Information, Communication and Arts. It also mentioned that the country is going make the event the most exciting, costliest and bloodiest in the history of F5 racing.

The F5 Inter-realm Racing Committee (FIRC) revealed plans to select Veggiepura’s Eggplant Expressway as the race’s course. Eggplant Expressway boasts an impressive length of 987654321 km with a total of 987654321000 Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) gantries. Each gantry is located just 1 metre from the next and charges $100 for passing through it. To ensure that the country will not suffer from revenue loss, all participating vehicles will be installed with a device that blows up the vehicle and its driver with the force of 200 nuclear warheads should it try to pass through a gantry with insufficient cash. The Eggplant Expressway begins at the foot of Mount St. Salad and wound itself around the mountain’s treacherous slopes. It then enters the mountain at the summit, roller-coaster itself through the mountain’s pitch black interior and exit out into Scarecrow Field, which is populated by residential possessed scarecrows and spectral crows. According to the ruling of F5, racers are required to make 999 rounds around the race circuit to complete it.

The Freakstimes understands that the FIRC intends to have several racing vehicles sabotaged, coating the mountainous tracks with Extra-Slip Canola Cooking Oil and booby-trapping Scarecrow Field with ZGMF-666s Legendary Landmines. The sabotaged vehicles will have their brakes removes, wheels loosened and have a contorted Al-Thosai suicide bomber expertly planted and concealed beneath the driver’s seat. Meanwhile, coating the race tracks with cooking oil will give bookies all over Freaktopia to open more windows for illegal betting such as which particular racer will slip off the mountain to its death at the 554th corner and how many racers will zoom off the cliff at top speed.

Finally, the planting of landmines in Scarecrow Field will give racers trained in Minesweeper a chance to outstrip their speedier counterparts who are pondering over the possible mine locations for a time long enough for the Duck Medium to reincarnate several times. These are some of the actions the FIRC will be taking to give the F5 race a more exciting vibe and the surprise to keep the audience glued permanently to their seats.

“Of course, enthusiastic audiences are very much welcomed to join their favourite racers in the race by running beside them, or welding themselves to the vehicles,” said Mr Zhng Engine, the chairperson of the organising committee. He added that any additional ideas or efforts to increase the body count are much appreciated and will be placed into action without any delay. It is revealed that all funeral costs and repairs to damaged public and private properties will be handled by the racers.

F5, held annually in different parts of Freaktopia, is the grandest and most anticipated racing event in the history of Freaktopia. It involves highly-trained mutabaks travelling at a breakneck speed of 0.1mm per hour in professional racing trishaws. Over several uncountable millennia, the rules have mutated and today, racers are allowed to use vehicles such as unicycles and push carts. Several critics speculated that some might be using toy scooters, NTUC trolleys and wheelchairs installed with jet engines or propellers.

There has not been a champion since 35,000 BM (Before Mutabak) as all of the participants perished within 10cm of the starting line. It was forecasted by the High Summoner Urban Geek and Duck Medium that all of the racers will die from diseases, curses, accidents and other assorted misfortunes and unforeseen circumstances before the starting horn goes off. Several racers such as Ferrero Asshole and Michelle Shoemaker took the predictions very seriously and had employed the Duck Medium to bribe King Yama of the Other Realm to allow them to survive the race, although no promises of avoiding misfortunes such as loss of limbs, paralysis and permanent coma were made. “Maybe I might get a Replacement Slave from Shop N Slave to take my place,” said a paranoid Mr Asshole who started seeing death portents everywhere since the spiritual proclamations by the Medium and Summoner.

- Reported by Mr Sam Spoiler and additional reporting by F5 correspondent, Mr Bob Bodywork