Launch of Kung Fu Massage Parlour in Freaktopia!

Chinese martial arts, popularly known as "kung Fu", has developed over millions of years in the Land of Tiongs, a huge continent North of Kootupura. It includes over a thousand different sets of skills created by many different Kung Fu Masters from different sects. Besides being used for self-defense, strengthening the mind and body, and attacking adversaries, Kung Fu has also been used in sports such as soccer, lending players an incredible advantage over opponents. Indeed, the Shaolin Soccer Team has won every Inter-realm Cup since 999 B.M. (Before Murtabak)

Another area of application of Kung Fu is the Culinary Art. The Shaolin Chef Academy has consistently produced world-renowned and inter-realmly acclaimed chefs who are highly sought after by 99-stars hotels in both realms. The Shaolin Chefs use their powerful internal energy (nei gong) to simmer the broth to perfection. Some use their spectacular sword skills to slice and dice the ingredients into precise, flawless shapes and sizes. A unique skill originating from the Fire Temple Sect - the True Samadhi Fire - is the pinnacle of the culinary martial arts skill. In fact, there are only 3 Kung Fu Masters who know the True Samadhi Fire skill. Meng Po, according to rumours, stole the skill from one of the masters by seducing him with her trademark Meng Po Soup. She then went on to create the ultimate True Samadhi Fire Soup that has received rave reviews from famous food connoisseurs around the world.

And now, the great ancient art is being spread into the art of massage, which is aimed at enhancing the physical function and promoting relaxation and well-being of the body, as well as healing certain diseases. It is also very useful for treating orthopaedic problems. Traditional massage uses painstaking kneading and squeezing and punching and other hand techniques. Some non-traditional kinds include stomping on the body using the smelly feet. Kung Fu massage, in contrast, uses Kung Fu skills like the 18 Dragon-Subduing Palms (降龍十八掌) and the Luo Han Fist (羅漢拳) to achieve maximum efficiency and effectiveness (in making the customer vomit blood and possibly go into coma).

The first and only place to offer the unique Kung Fu Massage is the new Grand Kung Fu Massage Parlour. Customers can be rest assured as the Kung Fu Massage Masters have received their certification from the Kung Fu Massage Academy after going through a 2-hours training session.

The list of services, descriptions, and prices are as follows:

Skill: 18 Dragon-Subduing Palms
Description: 18 powerful strokes of the palm is delivered onto the back of the customer, with each subsequent palm of increasing strength. Customers rarely survive beyond the 9th stroke. By the 18th stroke, all the bones would have been broken and relocated, and then magically renewed.
Strength Level: 9/10
Suitable for: Severe backaches
Side effects: Customer may perish from the merciless 18 powerful strokes of the palm (98% mortality rate). Customers are advised to wear full metal armors to cushion the strong impacts (must provide yourself!)
Price: $1000 per hour

Skill: 5 Poison Palm
Description: The Kung Fu Master's palm is infused with 5 of the top most lethal poisons in the world - Tanutama Tarantula Spider Venom, King Cobra's Urine, Snowy Poision Toad Saliva, Monster Lionhead Fish Pus, and the Electric Jellyfish Essence - and the poisons are transferred into the customer's body through the Master's palm. These powerful poisons can kill off other poisons that the customer suffers from.
Strength Level: 8/10
Suitable for: Poisoning
Side effects: The 5 poisons may be able to kill other poisons but there is no antidote for these 5 posons.
Price: $999 per hour

Skill: Divine Flicking Finger (Yi Yang Zhi)
Description: Just by a flick of a finger, any dislocated bone will be pushed back in place and any sore muscle spots will be healed. The whole process takes only a split second.
Strength Level: 5/10
Suitable for: Sprains, bone dislocation, sore muscles
Side effects: None
Price: $88 per second

Skill: Dog Beating Stick
Description: Using the legendary Dog Beating Stick passed down from the Beggar Sect, the Kung Fu Master hits the customer's vital points and joints, inducing paralysis and severe internal injury. However, once total internal destruction takes place, the whole body will be renewed.
Strength Level: 9/10
Suitable for: Whole body aches
Side effects: Possible irrecoverable paralysis
Price: $999 per hit

Skill: Luo Han Fist
Description: 18 Luo Han Masters take turns to deliver deadly punches onto the customer's body with their Bronze-coated fists. The customer ultimately either dies of internal injury or from smashed organs
Strength level: 10/10
Suitable for: Stiff bones and muscles, broken bones
Side effects: Instant death
Price: $777 per fist

Skill: Iron Head Skill
Description: Using his powerful head - cultivated over centuries of head training on Mount Pra - the Master hits the customer's body to push dislocated bones back into position and to cure muscle aches.
Strength level: 9/10
Suitable for: Dislocated or broken bones, muscle sores
Side effects: Vomit blood
Price: $1000 per hit of the head

Skill: Eagle Claw
Description: With long, unkempt, eagle-like talons, the Kung Fu Master uses the Eagle Claw skill to scratch the itchy spots of the customer's body.
Strength Level: 7/10
Suitable for: Itchiness, rash
Side effects: Risk of being shredded to pieces
Price: $799 per min

Skill: Golden Needles of Jade Bee
Description: Master Xiao Long Nu from the Ancient Tomb Sect uses her patented Jade Bee Golden Needles to perform acupuncture for the customer. These needles are extremely rare and poisonous, and are very effective for treating arthritis.
Strength Level: 5/10
Suitable for: Arthritis, various diseases
Side effects: kena posioned
Price: $1001 per needle

Skill: Breaking Ice Palm
Description: The Master channels his internal energy to generate cold icy palms and then through hitting onto the customer's body, the stiffness of the entire body is dispelled.
Strength level: 7/10
Suitable for: Muscle and bone stiffness
Side effects: Hypothermia, cold
Price: $999 per palm

Skill: Taiji Quan
Description: Using painfully slow and gentle strokes of the palm to hit the customer's vital points, all sore muscles and joints are soothed with great effect.
Strength level: 1/10
Suitable for: Mild muscle aches
Side effects: None, but the process takes a looooooooong time (at least 20 hours)
Price: $999 per hour

Skill: Wing Chun Bitch Slaps
Description: The Master delivers a series of powerful bitch slaps onto the customer's body using the famous Wing Chun skill. The customer's entire body is instantly healed from all maladies.
Strength level: 8/10
Suitable for: Multipurpose
Side effects: redness and swelling from all the slapping
Price: $99 per slap

The Grand Kung Fu Massage Parlour is now open at Level 3 Bimbocity, Freaktopia.

Offer: 3% discount for first 100 customers.
Condition: Must be Starcup user

Reported by: Urban Geek

Allopia Spy School Opens New Campus in Sinkapula

Freaktopia - The prestigious education and training institute for young elites and child prodigies, Allopia Spy School, is opening a new campus on the sunny island of Sinkapula. The new campus will be headed by Mr Dumbdoor, who has previously led the Hogwash School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to the top of the College Ranking List in the Freaktopian Financial Times for 99 years in a row.

"I am very excited to join the Allopia Spy School, which has consistently produced the best spies, assassins, secret agents and other intelligence and espionage experts who have contributed greatly to the peace and chaos of Freaktopia and the Other Realm." Said Mr Dumbdoor in a press conference. According to the Director of Allopia Spy School, Mr Dumbdoor will be appointed as the Principal under a 999 years contract. During which, he will be paid an annual salary of $7.7 billion and a monthly bonus of $1.50.

The degrees and some of the modules offered for each track are as follows:
1. Ninja track
- Ninja History and Culture
- Japanese language Level 1 - 20
- Nanchaku skills Level 1 - 10
- Kata skills Level 1 - 15
- Invisibility Skills Level 1 - 10
- Tree Climbing & Jumping Skills Level 1 - 15

2. Assassin track
- Weapons theory
- Weapons practical 1: Assembly and disassembly
- Weapons practical 2: Shooting Level 1 - 20
- Sneaking Skills Level 1 - 20
- Disguising Skills Level 1 - 10
- Martial Arts (choice of Shaolin/Wudang/Emei/Foshan Sect Skills)
- Language Skills (Choice of 30 out of 50 languages offered)
- 1 year practical skills training at the Assassins Camp on Mount Ro

3. Hackers track
- Computer theory
- Hacking Basic Theory
- Hacking Skills Level 1 - 100
- Programming Skills Level 1 - 50
- Basic Spying Skills Level 1 - 5

4. Double Agent track (Choice of Triad Route or Police Route)
- Undercover Theory
- Guest Lectures and practical skills workshops by ex-undercover agents
- Undercover Skills Level 1 - 20
- Gangster Behavior and Mannerism OR Police Behavior and Mannerism
- Advanced Spying Skills Level 1 - 20
- Acting Classes Level 1 - 20

5. Detective track
- Detective Work Theory
- Forensic Theory Level 1 - 10
- Forensic Practical Level 1 - 10
- Intermediate Weapons Skills Level 1 - 5
- Intermediate Spying Skills Level 1 - 10
- Advanced Snooping Skills Level 1 - 20
- 1 year Attachment at CIA or FBI

There will be a students recruitment roadshow held on Mount Pra (location sponsored by Holy Immortal SSW) on 1st January 2012 (assuming no apocalypse occurs). Registration fee is $100000 - Admission not guaranteed unless you bribe the Registration officer with $999999999 and 2 mandarin oranges.

Talent scouts will also hunt all around Freaktopia and the Other Realm for talented candidates who can then be admitted to the new Allopia Spy School campus for free.

Reported by: Urban Geek

News Flash! War and Beauties

Freaktopia (Mutabak Kingdom) – Kaneenabo, a leading company in the beauty industry, had recently launched its new product, Forever 91, at Bimbo City. Forever 91 is a much anticipated product by the bratty underage population of Freaktopia as it hastens the consumer’s maturity and accelerates aging. Inhabitants as young as newborns are clamouring for the immediate sale of Forever 91, ever since Kaneenabo announced its intention to research for a way to solve the young consumers’ issue with age limits since last millennium.

Due to the intense marketing and promotional activities by its competitor, Forever 21 Inc, and coupled with Forever 21’s miraculous Forever 21 Beauty Pills which grant the consumers everlasting youth and retained the looks they had when they were 21, all of Kaneenabo’s customers flocked over to Forever 21 Inc in an instant. As a result, the company suffered tremendous loss of profits and was on the brink of bankruptcy.

However, Kaneenabo decided to make a comeback by introducing a different and unique product of a contrasting nature to the Forever 21 beauty pills. Forever 91 causes the consumers to physically age so rapidly that they are 91 years old in the battling of a heavily-coloured eyelid, yet retaining their original mental age.

The company is glad to announce that the effect is permanent, irreversible and cannot be counteracted by the immortalising properties of any substance containing traces of Essence of SSW. Being matured externally, the underage consumer is able to watch R21 movies, purchase cigarettes and alcohol, purchase firearms, purchase or rent cars and enter clubs and brothels though his/her/its identification card says otherwise. Furthermore, Forever 91 allows the consumer to retain the visage they had when they were 91!

Ms Ah Ma, President of the Association of Endangered Elderly and the founder of the Institute for the Hopelessly Single, attended the product launch together with a truckload of old folks and an army of unmarried, unwanted and undesirable singles. “Forever 91is absolutely incredible!” exclaimed Ms Ah Ma excitedly before going into cardiac arrest. “I cannot remember how I look since I was 91,” quipped Mr Ah Pek, 92.

Forever 91, is now available in all major shopping centres, 7-11s, neighbourhood mama shops and elderly homes near you. Anyone with a birth certificate is entitles to an additional tax of 1700% for every purchase. Produce your receipt and enjoy a free matchmaking session with any candidate of your choice from the Institute for the Hopelessly Single.
- Reported by Duck Medium

Kaneenabo had submitted an official complaint, together with laboratory results from the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, to King Yama, ruler of the Other Realm, claiming that the Forever 21 beauty pill contained generous amounts of Essence of Immortal SSW, a mysterious substance that was scientifically and spiritually proven to grant irreversible immortality.

The complaint was made through the Duck Medium. The file caused King Yama to burst several major arteries as Forever 21 denied him his claim on spirits. The Other Realm had sent an order to stop all production and sale of Forever 21 to Princess Mutabak, the monarch ruling the Mutabak Kingdom with gauntleted fists.

“A recent treaty signed by Freaktopia, Heavenly Realm and the Other Realm stated the Essence of Immortal SSW as a Class S controlled substance as it is capable of causing widespread devastation to all planes of existence due to its invincible and irreversible immortalising property,” intoned the Princess Mutabak in a brain-dead voice.

“SSW Immortal Products could only be sold to certified immortals, deceased and those conducting celestial research at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak’s Department of Theoretical and Practical Immortality,” said the Princess after punching a Straights Times reporter full in the face when the deaf imbecile asked the Her Highness to repeat her previous statement.

“I, hereby, decree all consumers of Forever 21 to undergo Expiration Therapy at Freak Tock Seng Hospital until they are fully de-immortalised. Forever 21 Inc is to cease all production and sale immediately, although I would like to have a carton of it as a sample,” said the Princess Mutabak before retiring back to her Royal Palace and slamming the newly-replaced door off its hinges.

-additional reporting by Duck Medium

News Flash! F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix

Eggplant Expressway (Veggiepura) – This year’s annual F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix will be held in Veggiepura after the vegetarian nation won the hosting bid by a huge margin as the other competitors’ representatives mysteriously vanished or wound up in the country’s mortuary in ash urns, cola bottles, packed into packets of NTUC minced pork.


“Veggiepura is proud to host this year’s F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix. We are confident of winning the hosting bid as lots of ‘preparation’ and ‘careful planning’ have been done to ensure success. The event will definitely garner lots of visitors from Freaktopia, the Heavenly Realm and the Other Realm as Veggiepura has worked hard to prevent live broadcast, online streaming, satellite spying and crystal ball viewing of the event,” said a spokesperson from Veggiepura’s Ministry of Information, Communication and Arts. It also mentioned that the country is going make the event the most exciting, costliest and bloodiest in the history of F5 racing.

The F5 Inter-realm Racing Committee (FIRC) revealed plans to select Veggiepura’s Eggplant Expressway as the race’s course. Eggplant Expressway boasts an impressive length of 987654321 km with a total of 987654321000 Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) gantries. Each gantry is located just 1 metre from the next and charges $100 for passing through it. To ensure that the country will not suffer from revenue loss, all participating vehicles will be installed with a device that blows up the vehicle and its driver with the force of 200 nuclear warheads should it try to pass through a gantry with insufficient cash. The Eggplant Expressway begins at the foot of Mount St. Salad and wound itself around the mountain’s treacherous slopes. It then enters the mountain at the summit, roller-coaster itself through the mountain’s pitch black interior and exit out into Scarecrow Field, which is populated by residential possessed scarecrows and spectral crows. According to the ruling of F5, racers are required to make 999 rounds around the race circuit to complete it.

The Freakstimes understands that the FIRC intends to have several racing vehicles sabotaged, coating the mountainous tracks with Extra-Slip Canola Cooking Oil and booby-trapping Scarecrow Field with ZGMF-666s Legendary Landmines. The sabotaged vehicles will have their brakes removes, wheels loosened and have a contorted Al-Thosai suicide bomber expertly planted and concealed beneath the driver’s seat. Meanwhile, coating the race tracks with cooking oil will give bookies all over Freaktopia to open more windows for illegal betting such as which particular racer will slip off the mountain to its death at the 554th corner and how many racers will zoom off the cliff at top speed.

Finally, the planting of landmines in Scarecrow Field will give racers trained in Minesweeper a chance to outstrip their speedier counterparts who are pondering over the possible mine locations for a time long enough for the Duck Medium to reincarnate several times. These are some of the actions the FIRC will be taking to give the F5 race a more exciting vibe and the surprise to keep the audience glued permanently to their seats.

“Of course, enthusiastic audiences are very much welcomed to join their favourite racers in the race by running beside them, or welding themselves to the vehicles,” said Mr Zhng Engine, the chairperson of the organising committee. He added that any additional ideas or efforts to increase the body count are much appreciated and will be placed into action without any delay. It is revealed that all funeral costs and repairs to damaged public and private properties will be handled by the racers.

F5, held annually in different parts of Freaktopia, is the grandest and most anticipated racing event in the history of Freaktopia. It involves highly-trained mutabaks travelling at a breakneck speed of 0.1mm per hour in professional racing trishaws. Over several uncountable millennia, the rules have mutated and today, racers are allowed to use vehicles such as unicycles and push carts. Several critics speculated that some might be using toy scooters, NTUC trolleys and wheelchairs installed with jet engines or propellers.

There has not been a champion since 35,000 BM (Before Mutabak) as all of the participants perished within 10cm of the starting line. It was forecasted by the High Summoner Urban Geek and Duck Medium that all of the racers will die from diseases, curses, accidents and other assorted misfortunes and unforeseen circumstances before the starting horn goes off. Several racers such as Ferrero Asshole and Michelle Shoemaker took the predictions very seriously and had employed the Duck Medium to bribe King Yama of the Other Realm to allow them to survive the race, although no promises of avoiding misfortunes such as loss of limbs, paralysis and permanent coma were made. “Maybe I might get a Replacement Slave from Shop N Slave to take my place,” said a paranoid Mr Asshole who started seeing death portents everywhere since the spiritual proclamations by the Medium and Summoner.

- Reported by Mr Sam Spoiler and additional reporting by F5 correspondent, Mr Bob Bodywork

News Flash! - Ministry of Education Makes Landmark Education Reform

Royal Urban University of Mutabak (Freaktopia) – Mutabak Kingdom’s top-ranking university, the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, might soon face intense academic and economic competition as the kingdom’s Ministry of Education decided (after several centuries of debate and procrastination) to remove the education sector’s barriers to entry, after being criticized by countless students (who failed to get a place) and parents, as a source of suicide, homicide, genocide and the cause of all sins, social ills and the ultimate destroyer of lives, future, families and dreams.

The decision to allow foreign universities from strange continents and alien lands to set up shop on the vast and expansive lands of Mutabak Kingdom is to explore and open up new sources of revenue for the empire, in other words; finding new, innovative and politically innocent ways to fleece unsuspecting citizens of their money. The Finance Ministry’s statement given to FreaksTimes claimed that the kingdom is in excellent financial health, although it said the additional national income could be used to invest in areas of research such as the improvement in immortality technology, betterment of spiritual infrastructure between Freaktopia and the Other Realm, and the making of curry missiles and other assorted spicy armaments to improve its national defense system.

Till date, only the Unknown University and Crampbridge University have successfully obtained the approval from the Ministry of Education via bribery and threats of culinary violence. Several applicants such as Harvest University, Woodbridge University and Imperial Fijian Institute of Cannibalism have submitted their applications together with enclosed bribes ranging from $7 to $999 trillion in cheque, cash or its equivalent.

At a press conference held at Allopia Spy School’s janitor’s closet, the Princess said: “with the influx of educational *cough* institutions from all over the place, we can all bear witness to more frantic students and kiasu parents trying to sabotage and do each other in, in the vain attempt of trying to graduate from school alive.” When asked on the expected mortality rate of students in Freaktopia, the Princess Mutabak sagely and coyly replied that more funeral directors are hired to handle the highly probable escalation in body count and homicide cases. Minister in the Princess’s Toilet advised parents to top up their offspring’s insurance and make necessary arrangements with the family coroner and funeral director should some lethal event misfortune befall on them.

Reported by: Duck Medium

Korean Billboard Chart of TOP HITS!!!

Korean songs are all the rage these days in Freaktopia! Let's check out the top Korean songs this week! And along the way, catch up on the latest, juicy news about your favourite Korean singers and girl and boy groups!

No. 1 - Somebody by Wonderful Girls

Wonderful Girls recently sang their no.1 hit song Somebody for the Princess of Murtabak at the Murtabak Palace, and their wonderful performance brought tears to the Princess's eyes as she is their number 1 fan.

No. 2 - Bananamama by Super Senior

Super Senior which has about 999 members at last count, recently released their new song called Banananoma (or Bomananama? Banomanoma? aye..whatever!). Their MTV features Banana in Pajamas dancing in a cheap warehouse with flickering lights)

No. 3 - Funeral Dress by Too Young

This very tragic song by Too Young made it to the Guineas (Pig) Records for selling 999,999,999 copies within 5 seconds. Apparently, this is because of the recent spate of mass migration to the Other Realm which led to a spike in funeral services and hence the playing of this very befitting song for the numerous farewell ceremonies.

No. 4 - Har??? by 5Minute

5Minute is an up and coming girl band with loads of talent (each member has more talent than all the SNSD members combined) and their latest song "Har???" promises to move you to your feet and groove along to their beat!

No. 5 - Arirang by Kim Boo Bum

This is the classic, all-time favourite Korean song. This song is actually in the Guineas (Pig) Record for holding its position in the Korean Billboard charts since 742984477 B.M. (Before Murtabak)!!!

Reported by: Lin Kim Park

News Flash! - Forever21 Collaborates with Immortal SSW to Create Beauty Immortal Pills

Freaktopia - The creator of holy garments like the Ne Zha Scarf, The Invincible Holy Vest, the Violet Divine Tunic, the Ultimate Holy Bodysuit, the Heavenly Thunderpants, and the God-Blessed Headgear, has revolutionized the fashion world with its line of magic-empowered apparels since 1000 BM (Before Murtabaks) And now, it is set to bring its hordes of manic fans (usually recognized by their frothing at the mouth and bloodshot eyes) even more fantastic products, through its collaboration with the Holy Immortal SSW Corporation to produce Beauty Immortal Pills. According to sources (highly unreliable), these pills can keep the consumer young forever, just like what they look like at 21 years old!

"We are very excited about the collaboration and we hope that our fans will love the new products! As always, we are committed to our company mission to bring eternal youth to all who are willing to splurge ridiculously absurd sums of money on their appearance!" said Miss Jojo Jo, CEO of Forever21 Inc.

The kaypo reporter also had the rare opportunity to interview the Holy Immortal SSW, who had descended to Freaktopia from his abode on top of Mount Pra to participate in the ribbon-cutting and party-poppers popping session at Waffles Hotel. In fact, the Holy Immortal SSW only comes down to the mortal realm once every pink moon.

"I look forward to this collaboration between Forever21 and my company. I'm sure we can create amazing beauty pills with our powerful technology that is way ahead of time (possibly ahead of alien technologies as well). We look forward to making an insane amount of money out of this generation of image and youth-obsessed consumers!" said the Holy Immortal SSW.

The Forever21-SSW Beauty Immortal Pills is estimated to be priced at $999999 per bottle and is only available at Forever21 stores. Starcup users are entitled to 0.0001% discount.

On a side note, rival company Miss Selfish is rumoured to be planning a collaboration with the Allopia Spy School to create weapon-enhanced apparels, such as the self-detonating life-vest, landmine-studded T-shirt, and Flying Guillotine Hats. Fans of bloodied encounters have expressed great interest in these new products.

How will the competition between Forever21 and Miss Selfish pan out? Only time will tell...

Reported by: Urban Geek