Joke of the day - Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Source: http://www.funnyandjokes.com/need-a-bad-day-to-get-into-heaven.html

News Flash! - A Series of Unfortunate Events

Freaktopia - The Divine Duck Medium was sent to the Intensive Care Unit at the FreakTockSeng Hospital after a freak accident which resulted in his Memory Leakage Disease. According to the incompetent Brain Specialist Dr. Pang Sai, the Duck Medium's memory was leaking at a shocking rate of 1000 metre cube per second, enough to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool every minute.

A close acquaintance of the Duck Medium said that his memory leakage was probably caused by one of his divine rituals which went haywire. According to him, the accident happened when the Duck Medium was conducting a Rain Calling Ritual on top of Waffles Tower. He was chanting the Rainfall Incantation and swinging his wooden sword and throwing rice everywhere when he accidentally knocked over the bowl of rice with his inept sword-swinging. This incurred the wrath of the Rain God, resulting in the major floods and thunderstorm. The suay Duck Medium was thus struck by a lighting, causing his memories to leak.

Dr Pang and his team of useless brain surgeons are frantically finding ways to plug the rupture in his brain to stop the memory leakage, but it was believed that they would need at least 20 years to find a viable solution. At the moment, his memory leakage is causing a major pollution to the environment, where Freaktopian citizens are complaining of seeing apparitions of gruesome images of mastication and hallucinating morbid visions. Mindfreak Consultants have been called in to alleviate the situation. Mindfreak Consultants CEO Criss-cross Angel said gravely, "This is certainly one of the worst problems we have encountered. We need to mop up the leaked memories floating around in Freaktopia. This is a tricky situation. I just want this to be over and I want my life back."

Furthermore, as a result of this unfortunate incident, the Duck Medium Corporation stock prices plunged more than 700%. Investors are committing suicide left, right, centre, up, down and sideways. The War Street is certainly seeing one of the worst financial crisis in its history (the worst happened during the Mutabak vs Prata Wars in 99B.M.)

Meanwhile, the Reverend Duck Medium has been reduced to a vegetative state at the FreakTockSeng Hospital. The Veggiepura Minister has expressed interest to take him in as its new citizen. However, the Princess of Mutabak refused his offer because she still considers the Duck Medium as a valuable asset to Freaktopia. She has called for a grand operation to collect the leaked memories and transfer them back into his brain.

Will Duck Medium rise again? Only time will tell.

Reported by Urban Geek

News Flash! - Green War between Veggiepura vs. Fruitopia

Freaktopia – It seems that trouble is blossoming between the vegetable kingdom of Veggiepura and the fruity republic of Fruitopia as the two vegetarian superpowers are taking up arms over a recent dispute over who is to be the rightful of a Jurassic Age greenhouse containing the fossilised remains of several prehistoric fruits and vegetables resting peacefully in pots of volcanic stone.
The ancient architecture and its contents are of great importance to both nations as it concerns their national identity, ancestry and heritage. Both Veggiepura and Fruitopia are claiming the ruin as theirs as it represents their vegetative might and power, as well as an essential part of an elaborate scheme to expand their influence well beyond the green borders.
Uncannily, both parties expressed no intention to expand their empires into the vast territory of Mutabak Kingdom. Dialogues between Veggiepura and Fruitopia have crumbled like a poorly baked apple crumble, and ended in death threats and promises to send Carrot Missiles V4 and Avocado Bomb MK-II flying across the crow-infested skies of Freaktopia. However, Mutabak Kingdom’s timely intervention in the cross-border conflict saved both vegetative nations before they get themselves smashed, peeled, splattered and cooked in a juicy battle that sprang from a purile bicker.

According to the historians at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, the ancient ruin is known as Necroherbopolis, City of the Dead Plants. Their musty, yellowed and worm-eaten history textbooks revealed that the Necroherbopolis was a sacred ground where fruits and vegetables, once a unified race, took turns to sacrifice each other to their vegetarian deity on the holy Altar of Sacrifice’s chopping board, so as to have their prayers for fertile soil, baking sun and flooding rains answered.

Historical records of Veggiepura and Fruitopia concurred with the historians’ theory of the hourly fights taking a toll on the plants’ population, which caused an extended and aggressive argument to break-out on the streets and mutate into a full-fledged civil war, ending in the slaughter of the last ruler of Necroherbopolis, Emperor Nightshade de Mandrake XXVII, and the eventual separation of fruits and vegetables into their respective separate nations today. As a result, the Necroherbopolis came to be used as a burial ground for expired (shrivelled, rotten or dried) fruits and vegetables.

The Necroherbopolis was discovered by pure coincidence when the Gullwings Exploration Corporation’s airship, the Celsius, crash-landed in the Kopi Desert due to a mysterious combination of engine failure, technical problems and a hopelessly drunk Rikku at the steering wheel. The Celsius nosedived from an impressive altitude of 99,999 feet above the stratosphere and crashed into an unknown mountain in the mountainous range of Masalasia.

The forceful collision obliterated the eastern flank of the mountain, releasing an avalanche which buried 300 villages (with total population of 650,000) and in turn caused the extinction of the Masalsian aboriginal race of Pisang Goreng, which has been living in poverty since the creation of Freaktopia and has been hailed as a national liability. In the process, a hidden stone entrance, inscribed with ancient herboglyphs, was revealed. Stone statues of the guardian deities of Veggiepura and Fruitopia, Lord Carrotcake and Lord Applepie, guarded the entrance to the prehistoric site.

The YRP decided to play on the safe side of caution as the ancient and incomprehensible herboglyphs might mean a death curse or the activation of destructive spells such as Mega-Flare or Ultima, which are highly capable of obliterating the party in an instant. Hence, the trio employed the High Summoner, who had recently earned her Doctor's Degree in Vegetarian Studies and was awarded an honorary degree in Botanical Pathology and Management, to translate the lost squiggles left behind by ancient plants.

The Duck Medium was hired to liaise with the lingering botanical spirits to allow the exploration team to safely excavate and document the site, learn more of the Necroherbopolis, unearth hidden history, and perhaps rewrite some historical records which are riddled with inconsistencies and errors, for the benefit of both Veggiepura and Fruitopia, and ultimately, for the good of the denizens of Freaktopia.

Unfortunately, the excavation of the Necroherbopolis did not seem to go smoothly for the Gullwings Exploration Corporation as Veggiepura and Fruitopia began exchanging explosive greetings in the early hours, which caused several titanic stone slabs to fall from the ceiling onto a few unfortunate laborers. The explosions also caused the comatose spirits to lose their beauty sleep and become extremely moody, grouchy and foul-tempered.

As time progressed, the option of spiritual negotiations with the stubborn, unfriendly and childish herbal apparitions got unceremoniously thrown out of the window as they became extremely fond of throwing tantrums, possessing innocent workers and hurling heavy fossils and curses at the team. An exasperated Duck Medium and a snapped High Summoner submitted a petition to Emperor Lettuce and President Durian to grant them the permission to exorcise the horde of annoying botanical poltergeists.

As farms continue to be burnt and cratered by Carrot Missiles V4 and greenhouses demolished by Avocado Warhead MK-II, it is the citizens of Fruitopia and Veggiepura who are suffering the consequence of their ruler’s warlike behaviour. Hundreds and thousands of plants uprooted themselves and fled their burning homeland. They are risking lethal dehydration and potential withering by trekking across the expansive Kopi Desert to seek refuge in Mutabak Kingdom, who swore to welcome them into its hot and oily non-stick frying pans.
It appears that the war between the two botanical superpowers is beginning to take a toll on the multi-verse of Freaktopia as the denizens on that chaotic plane of existence are starting to experience withdrawal symptoms due to the lack of nourishing greens in their diet. The battle is very unlikely to be over soon and the Very United Nations are too afraid of incurring the herbal wrath of Veggiepura and Fruitopia, lest they decide to deny the world of its supply of vitamins.

- Reported by Duck Medium and additional reporting by Tai Chin Chai

News Flash!

Heavenly Realm (Existing somewhere in Freaktopia) – The recent theft of the secret Meng Po’s Soups and Meng Mei’s Congee recipes has raised concerns among the Enlightened Ones and Divine Beings as those recipes, if misused, could easily plunge the multi-verse of Freaktopia into a boiling stew of disaster, mayhem, chaos and catastrophe.

Although many are scoffing at the theft of the recipes; ridiculous scraps of paper with noxious ingredients and impossible-to-follow cooking instructions scribbled in an illegible handwriting, the leaders of Freaktopia are pooling their resources to recover those stolen cooking instructions.

The question, at present, posed by the general unsympathetic and hopelessly ignorant denizens of the Freaktopian multi-verse is why is everyone slogging their guts out and risking their limb, life and sanity just to retrieve some cooking recipes written on poor-quality foolscap paper?

The General concept of Freaktopians is that the recipes were written by the Meng Sisters whenever they were suddenly inspired by a festering cockroach or a well-flattened road-kill. However, it is unknown to the common folk that Meng Po and Meng Mei had received divine inspirations for their signature dishes, which were bestowed upon them by the Cooking God, who witnessed their passion for cooking. He was touched by their unwavering devotion to cooking despite a lifetime of failure, several demolished kitchens, numerous food poisoning lawsuits and causing countless to fall victim to their lethal by-product of a dish. In return, the Cooking God received payment in the form of burnt paper offerings made by the grateful Meng Sisters.

Due to his failure, or perhaps negligence to report his additional income to the Tax Revenue Authority of Heaven (TRAH), the Cooking God was charged with gross tax evasion. In addition to his crime, the deity would also be slapped on the felony of rendering assistance to dangerously hopeless mortal beings, who possessed the propensity to create chaos and unleash unnecessary death on the Freaktopian plane of existence, which could adversely affect the well-being of the Heavenly Realm.

At present, the Other Realm has yet to make any comments on the arrest of the Cooking God, though it expressed its delight of seeing the Heavenly realm plunge into chaos and panic. Due to the arrest of the Cooking God, the deity was unable to give his blessings to keep kitchen accidents at bay, which resulted in chefs all over Freaktopia to suffer from severed fingers, first degree burns, acute food poisoning and dying in explosions due to leaking gas cylinders.

The Union of Incapacitated and Permanently Disabled Chefs (UIPDC) is drafting a petition to the Supreme Celestial Court to demand the release of the Cooking God, before all in the profession are wiped out by mundane catastrophes. Should the Supreme Celestial Court refuse to accede to the mortals’ request, the humans will starve the gods of paper offerings, which could severely cripple both the realm’s economy and the gods’ powers.

Although the recipes were secured in a top-notch Goldilocks Safe Ver. XXX and with security of the building enhanced multi-fold by nearly infinite layers of Goldilocks Security Systems Omega Calculus and curses laid by the Duck Medium, High Summoner and Immortal SSW, the mysterious burglar still managed to make off with the entire safe amid activations of highly destructive spells that caused damage on a scale rivalling a dimensional nuclear war.

The theft incident at the Meng Sisters Food & Beverage Headquarters has thrown the Enlightened Union into blind panic as it is trying to obtain a arrest warrant to throw the Duck Medium, High Summoner and Immortal SSW behind the bars of the Celestial Gaol, for their safety and to protect their divine secrets from falling into the wrong limbs.

Meanwhile, the Buddha Association beseeched the holy Immortal SSW to increase the security of his secrets and factories as his pills possesses extremely immortalising properties which could cause any unrepentant sinner to immediately attain nirvana and become a Buddha, soiling the sanctity of Buddhahood and creating an uncontrollable influx of illegal celestial immigrants.

The High Summoner’s spells of pure rage, devastating destruction and instant death were so powerful that they could decimate the multi-verse of Freaktopia in a flash. Similarly, the Duck Medium is unconcerned about the safety of its Psyduck’s Grimoire of Fowl Spells as the ancient tome is written in an otherworldly language that could only be comprehended by the Duck Medium and its distant cousin, Count Duckcula.

“I have hidden my High Summoner’s Textbook revised addition beneath the Royal Urban University of Mutabak’s library. Of course, the path to my Textbook is fraught with danger as it is guarded by instant death traps, unsolvable puzzles and a horde of carnivorous vegetative guardians such as Rogue Tomatoes, Deadly Nightshade, Onion Knights and my all-time favourite plant in Freaktopia; M-A-L-B-O-R-O,” said the High Summoner Urban Geek. “in addition, I have summoned by Dark Aeons, as well as throwing in impossible-to-defeat bosses like Omega Weapon, Ruby Weapon, Asthma, Penance and Whiskey the Imperial Irritating Canine of Mutabak Kingdom,” elaborated the High Summoner on her choice of tough and annoying guardians to protect her arcane secrets. Goldilocks awarded the High Summoner’s security system the rank of Absolutely-Not-Worth-My-Life-To-Rob.


Finally, the Immortal SSW's Scroll of Enlightening Pills is rumoured to be missing somewhere in time as the Immortal SSW was supposedly to have hidden it in some prehistoric era, and developed Leaky Memory subsequently. The scroll is bathed in layers of corrosive mucus, lethal saliva and encrusted in a thick shell of Immortal Body Dirt Amour, which is impervious to lasers, explosives, blades, drill and magic. It is also common-sense that the magical document is protected by foul-tempered T-rexs, PMS-ing Aerodactyls, rampaging Triceratops and the almighty Megazord from Power Rangers. The Immortal SSW’s security system was given the rank of Perish-The-Thought by Goldilocks.

With the Freaktopian multi-verse pooling together all of its dwindling resources, would the Meng Sisters be able to recover their mayhem-causing recipes or would the situation become as irrecoverable as spilt Meng Po Toxic Soup? As the three realms of existence continue to race against time, an unknown perpetrator is hiding in some kitchen, stewing a strange, noxious and congealing plot to lay ruin to Freaktopia. Could the culprit be a jealous rival of the Meng Sisters or perhaps an accomplice of the TFM-Stephanie-Al Thosai Alliance?

- Reported by Mr Chiak Buay Tua

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------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reported by: Duck Medium

Edited by: Urban Geek

News Flash! - News in 1 Minute

Mutabak Kingdom (Freaktopia) – Last night, at approximately the haunting hour of 1 am, there was a break-in at 911 Siow Building at 99th Heavenly Avenue. The 841- storey high skyscraper is where the headquarters of the Meng Sisters Food & Beverage International located in. Investigations by the Mutabak Police Force revealed signs of forced entry and that not a single penny was stolen from the cashier till[1], but a safe full of secret recipes for Meng Po’s soups and Meng Mei’s congees had vanished into the thin air. The office where the safe was placed is splattered with blood, entrails, gore, leftovers and an unidentified green substance. Chemical analysis revealed the green substance to be vomit and the police concluded that either the culprit or victim have projectile vomited all over the office’s walls and ceiling.

“According to our not-so-thorough investigation, we discovered that the Meng Sisters have several jealous rivals in the food and beverage industry. Loy Kee’s Worst Chicken Rice, Boo Dong Kee and Whiskie’s Connoisseur Cuisine are among our 24-page long list of prime suspects, which also include the convenience shop located in an ulu corner of Beggar Lane,” said Senior Inspector Masalah Mati. He intended to haul the suspects down to the station for intensive interrogation. Mr Mati said he would try to apprehend the culprits as soon as possible, though Freakstimes’s reporter Mr Kaypoberry had insider’s information that claimed the senior inspector to be a hopelessly lazy lout.

“I estimated at least 12 have perished in the office as the amount of offal, volume of blood and piles of leftovers are simply rough approximations of the death toll. It is the number of heads left all over the place that gave my forensics team the clue,” said a forensic personnel who declined to be named for fear of sacking and assassination. “furthermore, I daresay the twelve consists of a confusing mixture of culprit, victim and kaypo toilet cleaners, hostages, oblivious colleagues and perhaps a security guard sleeping on the job,” he concluded. The forensic report revealed that the office’s shredding machine, espresso machine and a mop are the primary murder weapons, though it seems that the culprits have made effective use of the 840th storey’s windows.

The theft of the secret recipes was so huge a blow to the Meng Sisters to bear that they were reduced to a useless weeping heap on the floor. Neither the police nor Freakstimes’s army of persistent and busybody reporters could pry any information out of the crying, weeping, sobbing and wailing pair whom are doing a splendid job of flooding the area with their tears. “Without our recipes, we can’t sell jack!” wailed a thoroughly distraught Meng Po, who proceeded to swoon into a dead faint and had to be sent to Freak Tock Seng Hospital for Expiration Therapy. A report from the hospital showed that the sisters have been receiving treatment for Terminal Leaky Memory. And without the guidance and detailed instructions of the recipes, kitchen catastrophes and culinary disasters are bound to ensue and would end with their customers living healthier and with extended longevity.

The Mutabak Police Force is under tremendous pressure applied by the overly-concerned public, a hysterical pair of wailing Meng Sisters and a furious royal patron; Queen Mutabak I. With time racing against them, will the useless and overweight legal force crack the tough-as-a-walnut case or will they crack under its strain?

- Reported by Adam S. Apple. Additional reporting by Kaypoberry and Duck Medium

News Flash! Special Feature on Veggiepura

Veggiepura (Somewhere in Freaktopia) – Established nearly thirty million years ago, in the year 32010 B.M. (Before Mutabak), the Gullwings Exploration Corporation had constantly been on the move to explore the wild, insane, ever-expanding, mysterious and impossible lands of Freaktopia for the benefit of Freak-kind. Ever since its ground-breaking discovery of the incomprehensible universe of the Heavenly realm and excavation of the long-lost civilization of Euthanasia, the Gullwings Exploration Corporation has yet to create another tombstone in its career for nearly twenty-nine thousand years.

Facing mounting criticisms from the highly critical Sinkapooreans and complaints from its investors, stockholders and board of directors, the Gullwings’ YRP (Yuna Braska, Rikku and Paine) could bear the incessant naggings no more and stormed off to the Imperial Library of the Royal Urban University of Mutabak at Mount Pra to conduct research on decaying scrolls and worm-ravaged tomes scribbled in childish squiggles by rheumatic hands.

After being buried by several lethal avalanches of collapsing mountains of books, fistfuls of hair being torn out in frustration and throwing tantrums befitting the member of a royal Mutabak family, the YRP finally chanced upon an ancient tome written in characters resembling vegetables. The trio concluded that the book might lead to the discovery of a new land in Freaktopia inhabited by vegetables walking on stubby little legs, as well as a way to shut the traps of the public and its investors for several seconds before they begin their tirade anew.

Engaging the assistance of the revered Duck Medium, who was taking a well-deserved break at its cousin’s, Count Duckula’s, private villa after making endless pilgrimages to the sacred Mount Ro to pray for the recovery of the collapsing Freaktopian economy (refer to Money-Faced section for more information on Freaktopia’s financial woes), to decipher the ancient herboglyphs, the YRP learned that the book is a field guide to locating the powerful and aggressive vegetable nation; Veggiepura. Upon the full translation of the vegetarian text, the Duck Medium entered into a trance and predicted that the Mutabak Kingdom will prosper if it manages to beat the vegetables into submission. This prediction was presented to Princess Mutabak who immediately summoned her court and had shut themselves up in the State Room ever since, with whispers of conspiracy and schemes floating out of the door’s keyhole.

After trekking across the Congee Jungle, climbing the Hombalaya Mountain Range (a distant geological relative of Mount Pra and Mount Ro), swimming across the piranha-infested Pathetic Ocean and nearly perishing at the cannibalistic appetite of native Fijians, the Gullwings Exploration Corporation finally arrived at the borders of Veggiepura. Strangely, the Duck Medium appears to understand the dialect of Veggiepura and began to engage the Onion Knights, standing guard at the city gates, in a heated debate over the ethical implications of enforced vegetarianism, which earned the party an audience with the monarch of Veggiepura; Emperor Lettuce Le Veggiepura.

Veggiepura is a kingdom which is extremely rich in vegetative resources and mineral water, as well as potent fertilizers which could enable a desert to grow into a jungle within an hour. Its military might is not to be underestimated as its soldiers are trained to choke their enemies to death by stuffing themselves down the throats of their foes. A deadly arsenal of highly radioactive Toadstool Missile AK-222 and Pumpkin King XXX-4 are effective deterrents to potential invaders as each contains an explosive force of 5000 super novas. Despite the vast distance between Mutabak Kingdom and Veggiepura, the Princess Mutabak is attempting to establish diplomatic ties with the vegetable empire via Spirit Conference, an arcane technique of communicating with others over long distances by speaking through a medium connected to the Trance Spiritual Airwaves. The ignorant and obstinate Emperor Lettuce was rudely refusing all the generous terms offered by the Princess Mutabak, which caused several of his Ministers of Trade and Finance to faint as they calculate the astronomical amount of revenue the Emperor is refusing. In addition, the Minister of Foreign Affairs died of acute cardio failure when the Princess Mutabak demanded to speak to him. However, Emperor Lettuce yielded to the conditions laid by the Imperial Princess of Mutabak when she finally snapped (as she had completely lost it) and screamed to decimate the vegetables with the nation’s latest and most sadistic weapon; the Thousand Spice Chicken Curry Warhead MK-IV. If the diplomatic dialogue goes well, Mutabak Kingdom would be able to procure an extremely cheap source of yeast, which could be obtained by executing the death row prisoners whom are festering beneath the Fernleaf National High Security Prison, located in the Poison Ivy Wastelands just 5000 km from the capital of Veggiepura.

Discovery of Veggiepura and the establishing of diplomatic ties between Mutabak Kingdom and vegetable nation soon reached the ears of the kaypo Mutabakians, who suddenly realized the hidden potential of vegetables, and soon there is a roaring market for the vegetable trade. The Immortal SSW had requested the Gullwings to export some of Veggiepura’s citizens to his laboratory in the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, as he wanted to study their anatomy and learn how vegetables are able to move about, and more importantly, to find out if Veggiepureans will increase the potency of his immortal pills. Simultaneously, the Meng Sisters are also demanding fresh samples of Veggiepureans as they want to use them in their culinary experiments to produce new dishes to satisfy the customers’ palate, provide interesting dining sensations and experiences, and to hasten their expiration. Prata, too, had jumped into the fray to obtain illegal and rare specimens of Veggiepureans as his tingling fashion sense tells him that Potato skin Bags and Celery heels would be the fashion of that season.

Upon the discovery of Veggiepura, the shares of Gullwings Exploration Corporation are expected to rise for the next few days. The YRP will also be able to enjoy a few days of peace and quiet until the board of directors and shareholders decided to start complaining to break the silence. To credit the exploration team for its efforts, the Imperial Princess of Mutabak bestowed the YRP the Order of Masala, the Second highest honor given to a civilian citizen of the Oily Empire of Mutabak.
- Reported by Duck Medium and additional reporting by Urban Geek