Tuesday, June 29, 2010

News Flash! - News in 1 Minute

Mutabak Kingdom (Freaktopia) – Last night, at approximately the haunting hour of 1 am, there was a break-in at 911 Siow Building at 99th Heavenly Avenue. The 841- storey high skyscraper is where the headquarters of the Meng Sisters Food & Beverage International located in. Investigations by the Mutabak Police Force revealed signs of forced entry and that not a single penny was stolen from the cashier till[1], but a safe full of secret recipes for Meng Po’s soups and Meng Mei’s congees had vanished into the thin air. The office where the safe was placed is splattered with blood, entrails, gore, leftovers and an unidentified green substance. Chemical analysis revealed the green substance to be vomit and the police concluded that either the culprit or victim have projectile vomited all over the office’s walls and ceiling.

“According to our not-so-thorough investigation, we discovered that the Meng Sisters have several jealous rivals in the food and beverage industry. Loy Kee’s Worst Chicken Rice, Boo Dong Kee and Whiskie’s Connoisseur Cuisine are among our 24-page long list of prime suspects, which also include the convenience shop located in an ulu corner of Beggar Lane,” said Senior Inspector Masalah Mati. He intended to haul the suspects down to the station for intensive interrogation. Mr Mati said he would try to apprehend the culprits as soon as possible, though Freakstimes’s reporter Mr Kaypoberry had insider’s information that claimed the senior inspector to be a hopelessly lazy lout.

“I estimated at least 12 have perished in the office as the amount of offal, volume of blood and piles of leftovers are simply rough approximations of the death toll. It is the number of heads left all over the place that gave my forensics team the clue,” said a forensic personnel who declined to be named for fear of sacking and assassination. “furthermore, I daresay the twelve consists of a confusing mixture of culprit, victim and kaypo toilet cleaners, hostages, oblivious colleagues and perhaps a security guard sleeping on the job,” he concluded. The forensic report revealed that the office’s shredding machine, espresso machine and a mop are the primary murder weapons, though it seems that the culprits have made effective use of the 840th storey’s windows.

The theft of the secret recipes was so huge a blow to the Meng Sisters to bear that they were reduced to a useless weeping heap on the floor. Neither the police nor Freakstimes’s army of persistent and busybody reporters could pry any information out of the crying, weeping, sobbing and wailing pair whom are doing a splendid job of flooding the area with their tears. “Without our recipes, we can’t sell jack!” wailed a thoroughly distraught Meng Po, who proceeded to swoon into a dead faint and had to be sent to Freak Tock Seng Hospital for Expiration Therapy. A report from the hospital showed that the sisters have been receiving treatment for Terminal Leaky Memory. And without the guidance and detailed instructions of the recipes, kitchen catastrophes and culinary disasters are bound to ensue and would end with their customers living healthier and with extended longevity.

The Mutabak Police Force is under tremendous pressure applied by the overly-concerned public, a hysterical pair of wailing Meng Sisters and a furious royal patron; Queen Mutabak I. With time racing against them, will the useless and overweight legal force crack the tough-as-a-walnut case or will they crack under its strain?

- Reported by Adam S. Apple. Additional reporting by Kaypoberry and Duck Medium

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