Tuesday, July 6, 2010

News Flash!

Heavenly Realm (Existing somewhere in Freaktopia) – The recent theft of the secret Meng Po’s Soups and Meng Mei’s Congee recipes has raised concerns among the Enlightened Ones and Divine Beings as those recipes, if misused, could easily plunge the multi-verse of Freaktopia into a boiling stew of disaster, mayhem, chaos and catastrophe.

Although many are scoffing at the theft of the recipes; ridiculous scraps of paper with noxious ingredients and impossible-to-follow cooking instructions scribbled in an illegible handwriting, the leaders of Freaktopia are pooling their resources to recover those stolen cooking instructions.

The question, at present, posed by the general unsympathetic and hopelessly ignorant denizens of the Freaktopian multi-verse is why is everyone slogging their guts out and risking their limb, life and sanity just to retrieve some cooking recipes written on poor-quality foolscap paper?

The General concept of Freaktopians is that the recipes were written by the Meng Sisters whenever they were suddenly inspired by a festering cockroach or a well-flattened road-kill. However, it is unknown to the common folk that Meng Po and Meng Mei had received divine inspirations for their signature dishes, which were bestowed upon them by the Cooking God, who witnessed their passion for cooking. He was touched by their unwavering devotion to cooking despite a lifetime of failure, several demolished kitchens, numerous food poisoning lawsuits and causing countless to fall victim to their lethal by-product of a dish. In return, the Cooking God received payment in the form of burnt paper offerings made by the grateful Meng Sisters.

Due to his failure, or perhaps negligence to report his additional income to the Tax Revenue Authority of Heaven (TRAH), the Cooking God was charged with gross tax evasion. In addition to his crime, the deity would also be slapped on the felony of rendering assistance to dangerously hopeless mortal beings, who possessed the propensity to create chaos and unleash unnecessary death on the Freaktopian plane of existence, which could adversely affect the well-being of the Heavenly Realm.

At present, the Other Realm has yet to make any comments on the arrest of the Cooking God, though it expressed its delight of seeing the Heavenly realm plunge into chaos and panic. Due to the arrest of the Cooking God, the deity was unable to give his blessings to keep kitchen accidents at bay, which resulted in chefs all over Freaktopia to suffer from severed fingers, first degree burns, acute food poisoning and dying in explosions due to leaking gas cylinders.

The Union of Incapacitated and Permanently Disabled Chefs (UIPDC) is drafting a petition to the Supreme Celestial Court to demand the release of the Cooking God, before all in the profession are wiped out by mundane catastrophes. Should the Supreme Celestial Court refuse to accede to the mortals’ request, the humans will starve the gods of paper offerings, which could severely cripple both the realm’s economy and the gods’ powers.

Although the recipes were secured in a top-notch Goldilocks Safe Ver. XXX and with security of the building enhanced multi-fold by nearly infinite layers of Goldilocks Security Systems Omega Calculus and curses laid by the Duck Medium, High Summoner and Immortal SSW, the mysterious burglar still managed to make off with the entire safe amid activations of highly destructive spells that caused damage on a scale rivalling a dimensional nuclear war.

The theft incident at the Meng Sisters Food & Beverage Headquarters has thrown the Enlightened Union into blind panic as it is trying to obtain a arrest warrant to throw the Duck Medium, High Summoner and Immortal SSW behind the bars of the Celestial Gaol, for their safety and to protect their divine secrets from falling into the wrong limbs.

Meanwhile, the Buddha Association beseeched the holy Immortal SSW to increase the security of his secrets and factories as his pills possesses extremely immortalising properties which could cause any unrepentant sinner to immediately attain nirvana and become a Buddha, soiling the sanctity of Buddhahood and creating an uncontrollable influx of illegal celestial immigrants.

The High Summoner’s spells of pure rage, devastating destruction and instant death were so powerful that they could decimate the multi-verse of Freaktopia in a flash. Similarly, the Duck Medium is unconcerned about the safety of its Psyduck’s Grimoire of Fowl Spells as the ancient tome is written in an otherworldly language that could only be comprehended by the Duck Medium and its distant cousin, Count Duckcula.

“I have hidden my High Summoner’s Textbook revised addition beneath the Royal Urban University of Mutabak’s library. Of course, the path to my Textbook is fraught with danger as it is guarded by instant death traps, unsolvable puzzles and a horde of carnivorous vegetative guardians such as Rogue Tomatoes, Deadly Nightshade, Onion Knights and my all-time favourite plant in Freaktopia; M-A-L-B-O-R-O,” said the High Summoner Urban Geek. “in addition, I have summoned by Dark Aeons, as well as throwing in impossible-to-defeat bosses like Omega Weapon, Ruby Weapon, Asthma, Penance and Whiskey the Imperial Irritating Canine of Mutabak Kingdom,” elaborated the High Summoner on her choice of tough and annoying guardians to protect her arcane secrets. Goldilocks awarded the High Summoner’s security system the rank of Absolutely-Not-Worth-My-Life-To-Rob.

Finally, the Immortal SSW's Scroll of Enlightening Pills is rumoured to be missing somewhere in time as the Immortal SSW was supposedly to have hidden it in some prehistoric era, and developed Leaky Memory subsequently. The scroll is bathed in layers of corrosive mucus, lethal saliva and encrusted in a thick shell of Immortal Body Dirt Amour, which is impervious to lasers, explosives, blades, drill and magic. It is also common-sense that the magical document is protected by foul-tempered T-rexs, PMS-ing Aerodactyls, rampaging Triceratops and the almighty Megazord from Power Rangers. The Immortal SSW’s security system was given the rank of Perish-The-Thought by Goldilocks.

With the Freaktopian multi-verse pooling together all of its dwindling resources, would the Meng Sisters be able to recover their mayhem-causing recipes or would the situation become as irrecoverable as spilt Meng Po Toxic Soup? As the three realms of existence continue to race against time, an unknown perpetrator is hiding in some kitchen, stewing a strange, noxious and congealing plot to lay ruin to Freaktopia. Could the culprit be a jealous rival of the Meng Sisters or perhaps an accomplice of the TFM-Stephanie-Al Thosai Alliance?

- Reported by Mr Chiak Buay Tua

No comments:

Post a Comment