Sunday, February 28, 2010

The War Street Journal

Freaktopian Exchange Index Performance

“The past decade have been a complete circus and madhouse for the Freaktopian exchange as accidents, coup d'état, assassinations, kidnaps, blackmails, murders and all other assorted financially-exasperating antics are breaking out like AIDs infection spreading across Africa,” said a Freaktopian Exchange broker who was showing signs of acute depression and tethering on the edge of suicide, homicide, genocide and infanticide. Freakstimes shall leave him to his own devices and will focus on more pressing matters of the economy.

Top 10 Gainers

1. Mutabak Kingdom International

- Profits for Mutabak Kingdom International have skyrocketed from $200 trillion to $654 trillion. Its main source of income is simply idling and collecting taxes from all over of Freaktopia. Of course, its other sources of earnings cannot be disclosed as they are of delicate and sensitive nature.

2. Other Realm Inter-dimensional

- Other-Realm International though had recently suffered the loss of some of its citizens in the Immortal Pill explosion incident and had filed for a lawsuit against the Al Thosai and TFM sect, resulting in the biased Mutabakian High Court to stand in the Other Realm’s favour and ordering the two plaintiff to compensate the Realm $44.4 zillion Hell Notes for acts of Immortalization and disruption of public spookiness.

3. Allopia Spy School Global

- Enrolments for Allopia Spy School have increased multi-fold, causing the lethal training institution to expand its premises to accommodate more fresh talents for espionage, assassination and other covert operations. Its sale of graduate students to military organisations all over Freaktopia is the main reason for the school’s economic success. Although the school had once come under the Freaktopian Police’s scrutiny as it as suspected of selling students and top-notch gadgets to the Al Thosai Organisation.

4. Prata

- Hailed by all of Freaktopia as the pinnacle of fashion and is claimed by fashion divas to be the epitome perfection and the embodiment of beauty. With a cash register weighing nearly 3000 metric tonnes, it is evident that Prata will be crowned among the Top 10 Gainers in the Freaktopian Exchange, though is have to let Mutabak Kingdom International be the queen or suffer its royal wrath.

5. Homo Boss

- It must be pure miracle that the fledgling perfume company, with less than a month’s history of establishment, could make it into the Top 10 of the Exchange’s ranking. But, Homo Boss proved that it is a tough bitch and will resort to pepper spray to daintily climb up the ranking ladder while smothering itself in Homo’s Eau de Toilette. Maybe Homo Boss has used the Essence of Saint Pra to ‘por’ its way up. Who knows?

6. Meng Sisters F&B

- Although Meng Po and Meng Mei are two separate entities, they are in fact under the same umbrella. Having based their operations in Mutabak Kingdom and building their chain of shops as though they are made of Lego bricks, the whole of Freaktopia is pockmarked with Meng Po’s Soup and Meng Mei’s Congee. With their trademarked soups, copyrighted congees and patented side dishes, the Meng Sisters F&B empire are a culinary force to be reckoned with. Earnings have increased by 777.77%.

7. Goldilocks Pte Ltd

- Ah, the Goldilocks Locksmith and Security System. Brings back fond memories of those thieving buggers being blown to smithereens or batted 5000ft into the air and then splattering all over the floor like a dropped tomato. Being the most trusted brand for security products, Goldilocks is locked in position to be among the Top 10 gainers with a secured profit of $326 trillion dollars.

8. ACNE International

- As the sole creator and retailer of the notoriously famous Maureen Saw series, Voodoo Dolls and a wide range of other deadly amusing toys (also known as weapons of Mess Destruction), ACNE International has clawed its way into the Freaktopian Exchange’s Top 10 through a series of cursing, blackmailing, murders*, kidnaps and even alien abductions of its competitors; Toys’R’Us (patronised by Saint Pra**) and ACME (manufacturer of faulty explosives and carbon-dated military equipments). ACNE’s shares are forecasted to rocket by another 800% this week.

*those murders exhibit a highly creative use of the Maureen Saw products. Please download the PDF version for more instructions. Use a scapegoat; do not try it on yourself.

**Saint Pra resides in the Prefects’ Room of the Royal Urban University of Mutabak on Mount Pra. He is the patron saint of all goody-two-shoes and is the Dean of the School of Por-fessionalism.

9. Royal Urban University of Mutabak (RUUM)

- Functioning like any financial organization, the University has used its knowledge to break into Freaktopia’s insane stock exchange*. Being engaged in several research projects for the Mutabak Kingdom and the Other Realm, the University has enormous funds to put any sub-standard educational institution out of business. Monopolising the education industry** the Royal Urban University of Mutabak is seeking to take over all education in other dimensions of existence, the moment it figure out the secrets of time travel.

* Fuelled by bankruptcy, defamatory lawsuits, inflations, tax evasions, embezzlement, deflation, etc.

** Monopoly is simple if you have a PhD in Monopoly Gaming and the money to bribe the entire Ministry of Education. If bribery fails, the University has its private army of National Cadet Corpse.

10. Ong Bee Moon Mooncake Pte Ltd

- Ong Bee Moon Mooncake, is the only confectionary creation in all of Freaktopia to be infused with the artistic essence of its creator, has become a great hit with the citizens. This company only enters the Top 10 once in a blue moon and has remained sedentary due to the lack of new products. However, Ong Bee Moon has revealed in a press conference that several new creations, like the Moonstone Mooncake Cow-Jumped-Over-The-Moon Mooncake will be served at this year’s Mooncake Festival on Mount Ro.

Top Losers

1. TFM Sect

- It is no surprise that the TFM sect will rank in first on the Exchange’s Top 10 Losers. Face the facts. First, the members are spending money like there is no tomorrow, racking up the debt amount to $9987 zillion Freaktopian Dollars. This number is able to bankrupt three quarters of Freaktopia and land 99% of the citizens into irrecoverable poverty. Secondly, the Sect is banished from Freaktopia, so how do you expect the TFM members to get a job. Plus, all Freaktopians are programmed to decimate any TFM Sect member they encounter, and videotape the elimination process.

2. The Leech

- The Leech is one organism that lives on Four Leaves Bread. It gets its income by spawning an abomination once every nine months by copulating with construction workers in Mega India, and then selling the offspring to unsuspecting couples who will be eventually sucked dry of their money by their leech of a purchased child. No to forget, the Mother Leech loves to seduce priests. No man is safe from the Leech-a-rella pair. Unless you are gay.

3. Lala Cloth Tomb Raiding Company

- Lala’s shares had plummeted by nearly 987654321.000458 points since it began operation in 3 B.M (Before Mutabak) and had made losses of nearly 5.02 trillion dollars on an hourly basis. Lala Cloth is on the brink of bankruptcy due to Goldilocks products have made every tomb, household and bank into deadly impenetrable fortresses with more-than-sufficient firepower to level a continent on Freaktopia. With her Lala Cloth pay from her nose for property damage, lawsuits and staff funerals, it is no wonder why the company have collaborated with the sinful TFM Sect and the Leech, to stave off poverty.

4. Al Thosai Terrorism Inc.

- Ah. Another financially hopeless case. The Al Thosai is a terrorism group in Freaktopia, whose aim is to cause serve distress to Princess Mutabak, in hope she would abdicate the throne to its founder and leader. With its suicidal members blowing themselves into microscopic smithereens and being fined heavily by the Imperial Mutabakian Courts for each count of terror act, CEO Thosai (Princess Mutabak’s evil uncle) is at the end of its financial ropes and was reported to be grabbing wildly at straws (4th sign of insanity recognised by Prof. Duck Medium, Director of Saint Insane Mental Institution).

5. Sinkapoor

- The tiny island floating somewhere in the Pathetic Ocean of Freaktopia has continuously suffered from chronic economic collapse and outbreak of civil wars like an uncontrollable spread of acne across Mark Lee’s moon-cratered face. Faced with the constant danger of being swept under the ocean by tsunamis or flooded by light drizzles, Sinkapoor does lives up to its name: a nation with sinking reputation and a sunken economy. (please read next century’s edition of Freakstimes for the full story on Sinkapoor’s fate)

Reported by: Duck Medium

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