Saturday, February 13, 2010

Freakipedia: An Introduction to Mutabak Kingdom

Location: Somewhere in Freaktopia, should be either in the North or South. Maybe East, but the last time I was there, I remembered I arrived there by walking West. Hmmm…

Founding Time: approximately 3 trillion years ago? Paleontologists are not very sure as Mutabak was excavated out of a huge cesspool during the Jurassic era.

Founders: Emperor Muta la Bak XXVI (who managed to unite and integrate the rivaling Crust Village and Filling Tribes together into a new breed of citizens called the Mutabak)

Population: 20 million hot and oily mutabaks scurrying around on short stubby legs

Ruler: Princess Mutabak (with the Queen Mutabak standing menacingly behind the Royal Princess with a royal scepter in her right hand and a large soapy frying pan in her left)

Popular mode of transport: Flying carpets, flying dishrags (for poor citizens and illegal migrants)

National Sport: Mutabak Flipping and wakeboarding on Lake Ghee (officially recognized by the Oil- Lamp-Pics Games .

Gross Domestic Product (Freakstimes takes the phrase’s meaning very literally): Mutabak Kingdom produces mutabaks in all shapes, sizes, flavours and in varying degrees of freshness. In addition, the Mutabak Kingdom extracts and refines QBB Ghee, which turns out to be contributing to 85% of the kingdom’s income.

Annual Income: 789 trillion Freaktopian Dollars, 9999 zillion Hell Notes currency

Daily Mortality Rate: 200,000 (dropping dead left, right and all over the place)

Hourly Birth Rates: 999,999 mutabaks are churned out of the factories like there is no tomorrow (I swear Mutabaks reproduce faster than hamsters!)

National Plant: Wheat (the main ingredient to create Mutabaks. No wheat = No life), Coconuts (every household have tons of it prepared. If the Leech put its toe past the gates of Mutabak Kingdom, the citizens are military-trained to throw those coconuts with deadly accuracy and force)

National Enemies: The Leech, TFM Sect, Al Thosai Organisation (ruled by the Princess’s evil uncle)

Places of Interest

1. Mutabak Palace – visitors may tour the grounds of the royal Mutabak Palace for free*, while Princess Mutabak is locked up in school, Princess Puree is busy sobbing her eyes out over her bastard of a boyfriend and Queen Mutabak is busy beating the hell and crap out of the royal canine, Whiskie.

2. Freak Tock Seng Hospital – suspecting you have contracted HIV or terminal cancer? Then zoom down to FTSH to find out how many months/days you are left with. At FTSH, we guarantee all patients with 100% mortality rate and an express passport to the Other Realm. Pronto.

3. Meng Po Soup Shop – take a short leisurely stroll down Hell’s Bells Rd and you will be able to take a whiff of Meng Po’s Original Soup. All passing by must purchase at least a bowl of the liquid goodness or risk incurring the wrath of a scorned crone. Check her website for the latest soups; the Medusa Broth and Faux TFM Tonic Soup.

4. Meng Mei Congee Inc – just beside Meng Po Soup Shop lies the fabled congee shop in the whole of Freaktopia and the Other Realm. Why not have a death-defying bowl of True Samadhi Fire Congee after risking your life and sanity drinking Meng Po’s impossibly heavenly soup**.

5. ACNE International – if you love your gadgets and toys like the Voodoo Dolls and Maureen Saw MK-III, then be sure make a stop at ACNE and shop till you drop. Literally.

6. Homo Boss – for those who enjoy the Essence series or suspect they have a severe case of body odor, then Homo Boss is the perfume for you. With an array of free samples of Essences for you to try, be prepared to spray yourself till your kingdom comes.

7. Prata – located on 911 Medicine Ave at 99th Heavenly Street, Prata is a haven for all designer fashion accessories lovers. Before entering, all chronic shoppers are advised to check their handbags for the following items: cash, MasterCard, Visa, American Express, checkbook and Essence of Saint Pra to ‘por’ for a cut-throat discount which will burn a hole in Mucus Prata’s cash register.

* Hurray for all cheaporella tourists and locals who are plotting to ‘accidentally’ remove some of the expensive pots, utensils and statues from the royal grounds.

** Bound to be heavenly as most of the patrons saw and moved towards The Light after just one sip of soup.

Author: Duck Medium

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