Thursday, October 8, 2009

Goldilocks Security Systems Department

Although locks are very important in safeguarding valuables and properties, security systems are just as important. In the present ancient era of Freaktopia, crime rates are rocketing sky high, hence there is a need for greater security. But what good is a warning device if the intruder can still break in, steal stuff and get away scot free while the rest of the family slumber through a nuclear civil war?

Goldilocks Security Systems will deter all kinds of evil designs cooked up by crooks as we not only get rid of them but also teach them a lesson so that the criminals will never be able to see sunrise or sunset ever again. With Goldilocks Security Systems, your assets (bodily, physical and financial) are in good hands as little effort is expended, minimal clearing up is required and absolutely no police is involved as all problems will be solved by our technology, but your wise decision is the most important factor in eliminating these dirtbags.

Tomb Security System

When you are dead and placed in a nice comfy tomb, you absolutely hate to have tomb robbers paying you a visit. With TSS, you will be able to rest in peace without any unwanted guests coming. The TSS is founded by our brilliant Egyptian Scientists who uses ancient physics and mathematical equations and theorems to build their traps. In addition, a highly creative yet sadistic brain is needed to ensure 100% effectiveness and entertainment.

Once the robber enters the tomb, the door (a granite slab weighing 123 ton with sharp stainless steel spikes concealed inside) will come crashing down at the speed of 456 km/s to seal the entrance aka the exit. Should the scumbag try to blast it with dyna-mite, the steel spikes will fly out the moment the granite block is destroyed, and impale the robber to the ground where he slowly bleeds to death.

For the spirit‘s entertainment, huge spiked boulders will roll over the remaining uninvited guests, leaving a trail of blood, gore and destruction in its wake. Acid pits, stake pits, bottomless pits, snake pits and Brad Pitts can too be found all over the tomb, at various locations, which all produce highly amusing results. And this is only the basic package.

Regardless of which package you purchase, the customer is guaranteed a 100% peaceful afterlife while intruders are also re-warded with a pieceful death.

All packages will ensure hours of fun for u and for the family. CCTVs and recording systems are also incorporated into the TSS, where the spirit or family members can replay the events and have a good laugh.

Note: Due to security measures and policy, Goldilocks will not be able to give the family a blueprint of the tomb layout. However a guided tour will be given to ensure safety. In the case of leaky memory, please do not enter tomb alone. All forgetful personnel are to be accompanied as accidental deaths will not be compensated or be held liable by the company.


Buy now and enjoy 10 years free of Tomb Cleaning Service!
Cost: $5253.04 upgrade to Advanced Package at $5253.05
Members will receive 0% discount and 1 free cardboard coffin worth $0.54

Note – again: be assured that the tomb is laid down with protective spells and curses to ensure the spirit‘s spiritual well-being. These protective measures make sure that others‘ will not be able to summon the Spirit away to some macham ulu place like Timbuktu or Ulu Pandan.

Should a medium be stupid enough to try, he or she either will immediately undergo spontaneous combustion or disappear permanently. The protective words are personally chanted by Duck Medium, who receives a handsome commission for each job.

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