Friday, October 9, 2009

Goldilocks Locksmith

Goldilocks Locksmith aims to provide all kinds of locks and latest security systems developed in the secret lavatories by the geeky, mysterious and musty Department of Technological Development from Allopia Spy School. Goldilocks Locksmith was established in 1949 BC in ancient Egypt, by Tut Tut Kamon, 1st head of Toilet Construction division, to protect the Pharaoh.


A necessary object needed by all poor households to safeguard whatever thy have in their empty house. The House Lock is made from a special alloy manufactured from an amalgamation of recycled drink cans and scraped metal. This special lock does not have a key as the house owner or family members can simply slot their fingernails into the keyhole and give it a turn.

Although this product may seem ordinary, it is actually incorporated with the most outdated, yet reliable fingernail security device. Once a fingernail is slotted into the lock, a scanner will scan it for dirt, immortal pill residue and lastly, DNA. The lock will automatically unlock itself if a recognized fingernail is inserted. However, if an alien fingernail is used instead, it will send out a mildly nasty shock of 2000 giga-volts to knock out the intruder for several days while some indecisive owners take their own sweet time to ponder on how to deal with the dirtbag and dispose of it.

Owners can also choose another security option where instead of shocking the intruder unconscious, the intruder‘s finger will be stuck inside the lock, and rendered unable to escape, while waiting for the owner‘s return to deliver judgment on it.

Owners can choose to buy the House Lock (toenail system) if they prefer to use their toenails instead or simply feel comfortable using it. No extra charge required.

Note: Families using this Obiang lock are advised not to leave their nails behind and should dispose of them by incineration. They are also advised to keep their fingers and toes to themselves.

Caution: Do not insert painted nails into the lock as you will end up electrocuting yourself. Proven by numerous safety trials conducted on stubborn vainpots and bimbotic people.

Cost: $3.55 (exclusive of 55% GST and 39% legal fees)

Freebie: Indecisive owners can call our hotline to ask for advice on how to deal with the immobile intruder found on their doorstep. 100% guaranteed hours of fun and laughter for the whole family.


By far, according to our sales records, the Room Lock is one of the most popular lock among the inhabitants of Freaktopia. Survey analysis reports that teenagers contribute 98.7% to the total sales. The Room Lock, guardian of many teenagers‘ sacred and secret chamber, is made of the best material and security mechanisms to safeguard both the privacy and sanity of our adolescents.

An alloy of Eugenium-498, anti-corrosive Leenium and diamond hard Serenium-999 is created to make the lock immune to all kinds of nonsense kaypo parents and insufferable siblings thrown at it. The Room Lock is totally immune to lock prickling needles, hammers, drills, TNT, nuclear bombs and other tools of lock destruction. Also, all kinds of corrosive substances ranging from Ammonium Hydroxide to saliva will not work on the lock, except for the SSW Immortal Solvent.

The Room Lock is the most ideal lock to lock one‘s room. Installed with the latest locking mechanism, a new technology developed by the Hexagon, it is also oblivious to digital hacking by computers and other electronic devices.

Furthermore, this mechanism does not only defend, it can also also attack intruders. The teenager can program and adjust the lock‘s viciousness level and choose from a wide variety of attacking options ranging from concentrated acid spray to nuclear detonation blasts. In addition, the lock uses a series of identification systems like rectum scan, saliva analysis and body dirt analysis to identify the authorized entrĂ©e.

Cost: $255.00

The Room Lock comes together with TNT and bullet-proof door. The door is incorporated with peephole to allow owner to see who is outside the room, before deciding whether to chase the intruder away or simply kill it.

Killing Option

1) AXE 2000-Decapitation Maureen Saw (choose between decapitation or mincing)

2) 5000 horsepower door opening force (victim will be flung 800ft high up into the air and then splatter all over the floor when landed)

Note: height depend on the weight of the victim but we guarantee 100% efficiency of this system.

3) Nuclear detonation blask (room will be left intact but everything within 1000km radius is totally decimated)

4) True Samadhi Fire Flamethrower (a light dusting will remove the remaining ashes on your doorknob)

5) Bloody Mary Pneumatic Body Drill (Wwitness a human fountain)


As mentioned in the previous issue of Freaks Times, we all know that slaves are a precious commodity as well as an endangered species. They are now also the target of many burglars, thieves and smugglers as such items are not only highly mobile but also possess negligible common sense, sense of belonging and loyalty, and sense of direction.

Hence, slaves owners worry that their slaves will go missing after watching an episode of LOST on Channel 5 or worse still, be stolen by others. Worried about the financial and mental health of our fellow slave owners, Goldilocks Locksmith decided to make a slave lock to solve this crisis.

The slave lock is made of a special material and then shaped into a collar, which is to be clasped around the neck of the slave. The slave lock is installed with several new security systems and tracking devices to ensure that the slave will be able to return after getting lost, as well as prevent it from becoming a target of robbery or whatsoever.

The Star Trek tracking cum trailing system will be able to trace the location of the slave regardless of where it is on Freaktopia , or even in the Other Realm. The system will compute the data and formulate a solution on how to retrieve the missing living organism. It is also responsible of telling the owner the fastest and safest route to travel to reclaim the slave, or the owner can simply activate the auto return program where the slave will simply zoom back into the hands of the slave owner as tiny rocket boosters will appear on the collar and blast away, causing the slave to travel at an astonishing speed of 5000km/s.

An auto defend option is available should the slave face kidnap, the computer will automatically activate the option and download all kinds of martial art techniques as well as weapon handling techniques into the brain of the slave via gamma brain radiation. The collar will also inject a special serum into the slave‘s body which will endow the living thing with superhuman strength and abilities to defend against Slave-nappers and thieves. However, should the slave be overwhelmed by large number of enemies, the slave lock will self-destruct, killing everyone in the vicinity of 500m radius, except the owner and the slave.

Killing Option

1) Meteorite Crash (100% death and destruction guaranteed, nothing's left over after activating this option)

2) Alien Invasion (body parts everywhere but still effective despite the mess. However, Aliens may choose to stay and won't leave)

3) Suicide Terrorist (cause severe injuries, but victim will still be alive for you to torture, kill, or sell)

4) Lightning Storm (more job for road cleanersl PSI index confirm shoot over 300 due to ashes mistaken for haze)

Reported by Duck Medium

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