Sunday, February 28, 2010

The War Street Journal

Freaktopian Exchange Index Performance

“The past decade have been a complete circus and madhouse for the Freaktopian exchange as accidents, coup d'état, assassinations, kidnaps, blackmails, murders and all other assorted financially-exasperating antics are breaking out like AIDs infection spreading across Africa,” said a Freaktopian Exchange broker who was showing signs of acute depression and tethering on the edge of suicide, homicide, genocide and infanticide. Freakstimes shall leave him to his own devices and will focus on more pressing matters of the economy.

Top 10 Gainers

1. Mutabak Kingdom International

- Profits for Mutabak Kingdom International have skyrocketed from $200 trillion to $654 trillion. Its main source of income is simply idling and collecting taxes from all over of Freaktopia. Of course, its other sources of earnings cannot be disclosed as they are of delicate and sensitive nature.

2. Other Realm Inter-dimensional

- Other-Realm International though had recently suffered the loss of some of its citizens in the Immortal Pill explosion incident and had filed for a lawsuit against the Al Thosai and TFM sect, resulting in the biased Mutabakian High Court to stand in the Other Realm’s favour and ordering the two plaintiff to compensate the Realm $44.4 zillion Hell Notes for acts of Immortalization and disruption of public spookiness.

3. Allopia Spy School Global

- Enrolments for Allopia Spy School have increased multi-fold, causing the lethal training institution to expand its premises to accommodate more fresh talents for espionage, assassination and other covert operations. Its sale of graduate students to military organisations all over Freaktopia is the main reason for the school’s economic success. Although the school had once come under the Freaktopian Police’s scrutiny as it as suspected of selling students and top-notch gadgets to the Al Thosai Organisation.

4. Prata

- Hailed by all of Freaktopia as the pinnacle of fashion and is claimed by fashion divas to be the epitome perfection and the embodiment of beauty. With a cash register weighing nearly 3000 metric tonnes, it is evident that Prata will be crowned among the Top 10 Gainers in the Freaktopian Exchange, though is have to let Mutabak Kingdom International be the queen or suffer its royal wrath.

5. Homo Boss

- It must be pure miracle that the fledgling perfume company, with less than a month’s history of establishment, could make it into the Top 10 of the Exchange’s ranking. But, Homo Boss proved that it is a tough bitch and will resort to pepper spray to daintily climb up the ranking ladder while smothering itself in Homo’s Eau de Toilette. Maybe Homo Boss has used the Essence of Saint Pra to ‘por’ its way up. Who knows?

6. Meng Sisters F&B

- Although Meng Po and Meng Mei are two separate entities, they are in fact under the same umbrella. Having based their operations in Mutabak Kingdom and building their chain of shops as though they are made of Lego bricks, the whole of Freaktopia is pockmarked with Meng Po’s Soup and Meng Mei’s Congee. With their trademarked soups, copyrighted congees and patented side dishes, the Meng Sisters F&B empire are a culinary force to be reckoned with. Earnings have increased by 777.77%.

7. Goldilocks Pte Ltd

- Ah, the Goldilocks Locksmith and Security System. Brings back fond memories of those thieving buggers being blown to smithereens or batted 5000ft into the air and then splattering all over the floor like a dropped tomato. Being the most trusted brand for security products, Goldilocks is locked in position to be among the Top 10 gainers with a secured profit of $326 trillion dollars.

8. ACNE International

- As the sole creator and retailer of the notoriously famous Maureen Saw series, Voodoo Dolls and a wide range of other deadly amusing toys (also known as weapons of Mess Destruction), ACNE International has clawed its way into the Freaktopian Exchange’s Top 10 through a series of cursing, blackmailing, murders*, kidnaps and even alien abductions of its competitors; Toys’R’Us (patronised by Saint Pra**) and ACME (manufacturer of faulty explosives and carbon-dated military equipments). ACNE’s shares are forecasted to rocket by another 800% this week.

*those murders exhibit a highly creative use of the Maureen Saw products. Please download the PDF version for more instructions. Use a scapegoat; do not try it on yourself.

**Saint Pra resides in the Prefects’ Room of the Royal Urban University of Mutabak on Mount Pra. He is the patron saint of all goody-two-shoes and is the Dean of the School of Por-fessionalism.

9. Royal Urban University of Mutabak (RUUM)

- Functioning like any financial organization, the University has used its knowledge to break into Freaktopia’s insane stock exchange*. Being engaged in several research projects for the Mutabak Kingdom and the Other Realm, the University has enormous funds to put any sub-standard educational institution out of business. Monopolising the education industry** the Royal Urban University of Mutabak is seeking to take over all education in other dimensions of existence, the moment it figure out the secrets of time travel.

* Fuelled by bankruptcy, defamatory lawsuits, inflations, tax evasions, embezzlement, deflation, etc.

** Monopoly is simple if you have a PhD in Monopoly Gaming and the money to bribe the entire Ministry of Education. If bribery fails, the University has its private army of National Cadet Corpse.

10. Ong Bee Moon Mooncake Pte Ltd

- Ong Bee Moon Mooncake, is the only confectionary creation in all of Freaktopia to be infused with the artistic essence of its creator, has become a great hit with the citizens. This company only enters the Top 10 once in a blue moon and has remained sedentary due to the lack of new products. However, Ong Bee Moon has revealed in a press conference that several new creations, like the Moonstone Mooncake Cow-Jumped-Over-The-Moon Mooncake will be served at this year’s Mooncake Festival on Mount Ro.

Top Losers

1. TFM Sect

- It is no surprise that the TFM sect will rank in first on the Exchange’s Top 10 Losers. Face the facts. First, the members are spending money like there is no tomorrow, racking up the debt amount to $9987 zillion Freaktopian Dollars. This number is able to bankrupt three quarters of Freaktopia and land 99% of the citizens into irrecoverable poverty. Secondly, the Sect is banished from Freaktopia, so how do you expect the TFM members to get a job. Plus, all Freaktopians are programmed to decimate any TFM Sect member they encounter, and videotape the elimination process.

2. The Leech

- The Leech is one organism that lives on Four Leaves Bread. It gets its income by spawning an abomination once every nine months by copulating with construction workers in Mega India, and then selling the offspring to unsuspecting couples who will be eventually sucked dry of their money by their leech of a purchased child. No to forget, the Mother Leech loves to seduce priests. No man is safe from the Leech-a-rella pair. Unless you are gay.

3. Lala Cloth Tomb Raiding Company

- Lala’s shares had plummeted by nearly 987654321.000458 points since it began operation in 3 B.M (Before Mutabak) and had made losses of nearly 5.02 trillion dollars on an hourly basis. Lala Cloth is on the brink of bankruptcy due to Goldilocks products have made every tomb, household and bank into deadly impenetrable fortresses with more-than-sufficient firepower to level a continent on Freaktopia. With her Lala Cloth pay from her nose for property damage, lawsuits and staff funerals, it is no wonder why the company have collaborated with the sinful TFM Sect and the Leech, to stave off poverty.

4. Al Thosai Terrorism Inc.

- Ah. Another financially hopeless case. The Al Thosai is a terrorism group in Freaktopia, whose aim is to cause serve distress to Princess Mutabak, in hope she would abdicate the throne to its founder and leader. With its suicidal members blowing themselves into microscopic smithereens and being fined heavily by the Imperial Mutabakian Courts for each count of terror act, CEO Thosai (Princess Mutabak’s evil uncle) is at the end of its financial ropes and was reported to be grabbing wildly at straws (4th sign of insanity recognised by Prof. Duck Medium, Director of Saint Insane Mental Institution).

5. Sinkapoor

- The tiny island floating somewhere in the Pathetic Ocean of Freaktopia has continuously suffered from chronic economic collapse and outbreak of civil wars like an uncontrollable spread of acne across Mark Lee’s moon-cratered face. Faced with the constant danger of being swept under the ocean by tsunamis or flooded by light drizzles, Sinkapoor does lives up to its name: a nation with sinking reputation and a sunken economy. (please read next century’s edition of Freakstimes for the full story on Sinkapoor’s fate)

Reported by: Duck Medium

Friday, February 26, 2010

News Flash – a flash of news will be the very last thing you see before you expire

Other Realm – Yesterday evening, at approximately during the insane hours of 6pm where the expired are returning back to their crypts after a long hard day of haunting, cursing, revenge taking and other miscellaneous ghostly occupations, the SSW Immortal Pill factory blew up. The immortal pill factory was located at 666 Aloe Vera Low Drive, near to Bukit Hantu MRT interchange. When the explosion took place, fumes of highly concentrated gaseous divine essence diffused into the incense-polluted air of Aloe Vera Low Drive, causing the Other Realm inhabitants to breathe in the heavenly fumes.

This accident caused nearly 10,000 casualties as they all became immortalized and flew out of the Other Realm into the Heavenly Dimension. Several were exhibiting early symptoms of Accidental Immortalization and had to be rushed to Freak Tock Seng Hospital to undergo emergency Expiration Therapy. However, about 99% became immortals and floated through the ceilings into sainthood, much to the fury of the hospital’s chairman Ms Freako Seng.

Upon conducting an extremely intense investigation of the accident, it was discovered that several fragments of charred Thosai are recovered from the scene. The Freaktopian Police’s CID (Cannot-bake-it Investigation Division) speculated that it might be the dirty work of the Al Thosai Organization, although the public opinion is that the TFM sect is trying to take over the Other Realm and convert it into her own evil perverted playground. Just the mere thought of this spine-chilling notion caused another several more to fall into a irrecoverable coma, causing severe congestion in Freak Tock Seng Hospital.

“Just don’t let me find out who blew up the SSW Immortal Pill factory. I swear I will personally _____ that ____!” said President Hades, (tyrannical) ruler of the Other Realm, before frothing at the mouth due to over-agitation and presumably, an overdose of both dinosaur tranquilizers and Viagra.

“I feel that the Immortal Pill explosion is rather timely as the Other Realm is simply too over-populated and this is causing inflation which is bad for my citizens who want to import essentials such as pontianaks to haunt their evil family members and Voodoo Dolls to curse their cheating spouses,” croaked a feeble Princess Mutabak who had the runs 49 times after consuming an overly nutritious breakfast of Original Meng Po soup and Meng Mei True Samadhi Fire Congee.

- reported by Ms Pontianak Bte Hantu, Freakstimes Other Realm correspondent

* Freakstimes has deliberately left those words out in the report to encourage readers to have fun and unleash their creativity in literary vilification to its fullest extent.

Reported by: Duck Medium


“It is not just a bag. It’s Prata.” – White Chicks

Lovers of designer bags and worshippers of high-end branded heels, Prata has finally made its way from the overcrowded 841 Madison Ave at 70th St. on Earth (another different dimension of miserable existence) to Freaktopia’s 911 Medicine Ave at 99th Heavenly Street, Egg Yolk City. Founded by Mucus Prata in 1884 B.M (Before Mutabak), who received a heavenly revelation to make bags, heels and all other assorted fashion accessories when his mucus dripped into the prata he was flipping at the Famous Thomson Crispy Prata Shop, which formed a divine message written in God’s unhygienic handwriting.

Having been in business for nearly 5000 years and had crushed all other competitors under its 10 inch diamond-studded heels, Prata is the only brand trusted by fashion gurus and addicts. “Hmmm. A good question to ask. I go for branded goods such as Prata is not because of its quality. But because it simply cost more,” replied Dumbzilla Jolie, who is an avid shopper at Prata, when asked on her preference to patronize Prata. “Orh. I shop at Prata is because it not only have my favorite leopard print, but also have red and loud clothes, and something BOOMZ, which makes me feel naughty!” exclaimed Miss Grease Low, who drew unnecessary stares to our unfortunately fashion-challenged reporter. Grease Low predicts that the noxious combination of khaki green and elephant prints will be the fashion of the next season. This statement nearly caused innocent shoppers and Mr. Mucus Prata to fall into a dead faint.

Be it handbag or heel, top or bottom, Prata will personally design it just to fit your preference. Lost or unsure of the latest trend, fret not! For Prata gives free fashion consultation as we are confident of ripping you off through our price tags. Here at Prata, you will witness fashion at its impossible pinnacle of creativity, perfection and sadistic innovation. Graduated from using synthetic materials, Prata will sson resort to using dinosaur hide to fashion its killer boots (with heels as tall as the Imperial State Building), which is sure to incur the wrath of Immortal SSW, or use the crispy skins of brutally murdered Mutabaks to fashion its latest tote bags.

If anything is worth dying for, it has got to be Prata.

Reported by: Duck Medium

Monday, February 22, 2010

New Shop Opening: Bras Pasar !!!

Bras Pasar - The Number 1 Bra Market
5 Heavenly Avenue
Freaktopia 333333

Where is the best place to buy bras? Nowhere else but Bras Pasar! Here we sell all kinds of bras, in all sizes, with all kinds of designs, and for all kinds of purposes, for all kinds of people! We have sizes from A- (even smaller than A cup, just a small piece of cloth the size of a bus ticket to cover the vital bits)) to Z (about the size of lorry tyres).

Product: Triumphant SuperPowerful-XXX Bra

Some women have concerns about excessive frontal agitation, especially when they are moving. Now we have the solution! We have designed heavy-duty bras that can withstand the weight of 3 pianos, made of synthetic ultra-enhanced rubber and 20cm-thick metal (stainless steel) underwires. These bras are especially catered for women who have undergone boob jobs 1000 times to put in 1000kg implants (1000kg boobs do not occur naturally). Women who wear these bras can be assured minimal anterior movements while they are running, jumping or engaging in other vigorous physical activities. Boobs will be secured very tight in place, almost as if casted in iron mould and unmoveable. Furthermore, we can customize these bras for you, depending on your size and weight.

Price: $1000 per kg of boob
Note: Customers are adviced not to fake their boob weight in order to get bigger bras and pretend to have big boobs, because wearing sizes unsuitable for you can cause you to get breast cancer.

Product: Bust-Ticket™ Bra

For women with virtually non-existent boobs, and with chests flatter than a piece of roti prata, we have designed the Bust-TicketBra to satisfy their psychological need to wear bras even though its entirely unnecessary. To save scarce resources, we have designed bras that use recycled bus tickets attached to old rubber bands, and paper clips to fasten it.

Price: $0.10
Note: Customers may choose to supply their own bus tickets, paper clips and rubber bands (where you can get to choose your own colours!) and we'll construct a bra for you at a small service charge of $999.

Product: Macho Bra

Now you may ask, why would a man need to wear bra?!!! But there are more and more men these days developing manboobs due to various reasons such as genetic mutations, artificial implants, and excessive bodybuilding at the gym. Fret not gentlemen with manboobs, we have a specially-designed bra for you! Guaranteed to provide maximum support, it can even double as a bullet proof shield! (protect boobs only, nowhere else) Made with clear plastic (man don't need to hide their bits right?), it provides some sort of invisible support so people wouldn't know you're wearing a bra. (but achieves this result poorly) The refraction from the transparent plastic casing can also make your manboobs appear smaller than they really are. Great for those self-conscious manboobs owners! The plastic cases are attached to fishing line-thin strings to be worn around your arms and back, ensuring as low conspicuousness as possible. Wearers are advised not to make too large physical movements to avoid mutilating themselves, given the incisiveness of the strings.

Price: $999.90
Note: Only MAN with manboobs allowed, not transexuals with fake implants.

Reported by: Urban Geek

Saturday, February 13, 2010


Duck’s Quote of the Week: One night stands, they leave you standing in line for a pending abortion

Drama Queen Quote of the Week: First of all my doctor totally messed up my nose job. I ask him to make me looked like Gwyneth Paltrow, i get off the surgery table looking like freakin' Shrek. And then I get here and Mr. Harper! Makes me feel like I'm some dumb blonde with big boobs.

Highly Distressed Woman’s Quote of the Week: Hi I'm Cellulite Sally. Look at my huge ba-donkey. Don't forget about me, I'm Backfat Betty. Now who could have said that? Oh yeah, it's Tina the Talking Tummy. I can't even wear a short skirt and a top without looking like a fat pig.

Bitch Quote of the Week: Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered.

Reported by: Duck Medium

The Drama Queen Quiz

For drama queens, no gesture is too melodramatic, no hairdo too "big", no outfit too outrageous and no wail too loud. In fact, should the life story of a drama queen ever see the light of day on the silver screen, even Meryl Streep would have to turn down the role because she just doesn't have the range to do it justice. The larger-than-life personas of drama queens stem from their fervent belief that life is a stage and others merely bit players while they are the prima-star actresses. And as the star attraction - drama queens do not merely demand attention - they revel and live right in the centre of it.

Whatever the case may be, drama queens are far more than just nervous nellies with a self-destruct button. And if you're wondering whether you belong to the former or latter category, there's only one way to find out: my self-concocted "What's Your Drama Range?" Quiz (in tribute to my favourite section in Cosmos) designed to sift out the true divas from pathetic pretenders to the throne.

Question 1
In a club, you espy someone you had an ONS with but who never called you back the next day chatting up another guy. Do you:

a) Ignore him and enjoy your club outing;
b) Sulk and start the vicious rumour that his steroid-popping habit has resulted in a "small" problem;
c) Throw your martini in his face and scream: "That's for giving me genital herpes!"

Question 2
At home, you spot a bump at the back of your neck you have never noticed. Do you:

a) Wonder how the bump came about and then forget about it;
b) Worry and immediately rush off to pay your doctor a visit; or
c) Assume you are dying of cancer, make a will and start to leave ominous messages on the answering machines of those nearest and dearest to you?

Question 3
In the subway, a stranger bumps into you with her LV tote bag causing you to momentarily lose your poise. Do you:

a) Tell yourself it was unintentional and let the matter slide;
b) Utter loudly "Well EXCUSE ME!" and roll your eyes; or
c) Focus a death stare on the unfortunate stranger so intense that children cry and pit bulls whimper within a 50-metre radius.

Question 4
At a departmental store, you try on a pair of really fierce jeans only to discover that you have ballooned from a wasp-like 27-inch waist to a 30-inch waist. Do you:

a) Accept your fate calmly while mentally making a note to hit the gym;
b) Insist on trying on every single pair of waist 27-inch jeans and then storm out of the store when you can no longer deny the truth; or
c) Demand to see the manager and threaten to sue the store for mislabelling their merchandise and for causing you unnecessary distress.

The Results

If you have picked (a) for most of the questions, you're not even remotely any where choose to being a drama queen.

If you have picked (b) for most of the questions, you're susceptible to royal tantrums more befitting members of the royal family found lower on the pecking order. Congratulations, you're the dramatic equivalent of a princess, a countess or a duchess.

And if you have picked (c) for most of the questions, we'll like to present you with a scepter and crown amidst cheers of "All Hail The Queen!" - for your Majesty is an undisputed drama queen whom even RuPaul is afraid of.

- adapted from

Reported by: Duck Medium

Mutabak Voodoo Dolls

Seething with hate? Or can’t wait to inflict great pain and sufferings on the Leech that sucked you drier than the Sahara Desert? Rejoice! For the Mutabak Voodoo Dolls is the latest toy to hit all major departmental stores near you and secluded mojo stalls hidden in the dark dingy alleys of Mutabak Kingdom.

The Voodoo Dolls will guarantee 100% effectiveness in your cursing endeavour as it uses the crust of vengeful executed Mutabaks which are marinated in the forbidden 100 Freak Essence made from the Essence of Duck Medium and SSW, liquefied Immortal Pills, expired Meng Mei True Samadhi Fire Congee and fresh Whiskie’s Connoisseur Cuisine, and then burnt to an unrecognisable crisp in the Holy Immortal’s Eight Trigrams Furnace™. The skin is then fashioned into a shape which vaguely resembles a human and unceremoniously stuffed with mouldy cotton wool and fermented green beans. And voila! ACNE International proudly presents the Voodoo Doll!

Voodoo Set

To enhance your arcane activity, ACNE International has decided to roll out a comprehensive voodoo set, which will cause you to grin so evilly that Freddie and Jason will have nightmares.

1. Voodoo Pins – these pins look like any other ordinary pins and will guarantee your safe passage through Sinkapula’s impossibly strict Customs. Larger version of the Voodoo Pin will serve as a hair pin and dress pin.

2. Voodoo Doll Guillotine Set – make your day with the Voodoo Doll Guillotine set and watch your intended victim lose his/her/its head. Literally! Comes with a packet of blood for added cinematic effect! Guillotine blade sharpener is sold separately.

3. Yellow Pages – this is not your ordinary Yellow Pages. In this book, the names, birthday and 8 Characters of everyone and anyone could be found in there (except for the Duck Medium’s, Urban Geek’s and Royal Mutabak Family). This is sure to facilitate your cursing and provide hours of fun and entertainment.

4. Voodoo for Dummies – running out of ideas on how to dispatch your victim? The Dummies book contains over 100,000 illustrations with 60,000 coloured photographs and provides an endless list of torture, killing and cursing rituals with step-by-step instructions.

5. Voodoo Installation CD – if you are so clumsy with pins that you might stab yourself instead or run a high risk of lighting yourself up during a ritual, then the Voodoo CD is just for you. Dear butterfingers and cyber-freaks, the Voodoo CD will allow you to curse and kill your victim in the electronic and savvy way. Plus, a laptop will enable you to curse and kill on the go!

Note: Voodoo Doll, pins and torture equipments are sold separately. Batteries not included.

Reported by: Duck Medium

Freakipedia: An Introduction to Mutabak Kingdom

Location: Somewhere in Freaktopia, should be either in the North or South. Maybe East, but the last time I was there, I remembered I arrived there by walking West. Hmmm…

Founding Time: approximately 3 trillion years ago? Paleontologists are not very sure as Mutabak was excavated out of a huge cesspool during the Jurassic era.

Founders: Emperor Muta la Bak XXVI (who managed to unite and integrate the rivaling Crust Village and Filling Tribes together into a new breed of citizens called the Mutabak)

Population: 20 million hot and oily mutabaks scurrying around on short stubby legs

Ruler: Princess Mutabak (with the Queen Mutabak standing menacingly behind the Royal Princess with a royal scepter in her right hand and a large soapy frying pan in her left)

Popular mode of transport: Flying carpets, flying dishrags (for poor citizens and illegal migrants)

National Sport: Mutabak Flipping and wakeboarding on Lake Ghee (officially recognized by the Oil- Lamp-Pics Games .

Gross Domestic Product (Freakstimes takes the phrase’s meaning very literally): Mutabak Kingdom produces mutabaks in all shapes, sizes, flavours and in varying degrees of freshness. In addition, the Mutabak Kingdom extracts and refines QBB Ghee, which turns out to be contributing to 85% of the kingdom’s income.

Annual Income: 789 trillion Freaktopian Dollars, 9999 zillion Hell Notes currency

Daily Mortality Rate: 200,000 (dropping dead left, right and all over the place)

Hourly Birth Rates: 999,999 mutabaks are churned out of the factories like there is no tomorrow (I swear Mutabaks reproduce faster than hamsters!)

National Plant: Wheat (the main ingredient to create Mutabaks. No wheat = No life), Coconuts (every household have tons of it prepared. If the Leech put its toe past the gates of Mutabak Kingdom, the citizens are military-trained to throw those coconuts with deadly accuracy and force)

National Enemies: The Leech, TFM Sect, Al Thosai Organisation (ruled by the Princess’s evil uncle)

Places of Interest

1. Mutabak Palace – visitors may tour the grounds of the royal Mutabak Palace for free*, while Princess Mutabak is locked up in school, Princess Puree is busy sobbing her eyes out over her bastard of a boyfriend and Queen Mutabak is busy beating the hell and crap out of the royal canine, Whiskie.

2. Freak Tock Seng Hospital – suspecting you have contracted HIV or terminal cancer? Then zoom down to FTSH to find out how many months/days you are left with. At FTSH, we guarantee all patients with 100% mortality rate and an express passport to the Other Realm. Pronto.

3. Meng Po Soup Shop – take a short leisurely stroll down Hell’s Bells Rd and you will be able to take a whiff of Meng Po’s Original Soup. All passing by must purchase at least a bowl of the liquid goodness or risk incurring the wrath of a scorned crone. Check her website for the latest soups; the Medusa Broth and Faux TFM Tonic Soup.

4. Meng Mei Congee Inc – just beside Meng Po Soup Shop lies the fabled congee shop in the whole of Freaktopia and the Other Realm. Why not have a death-defying bowl of True Samadhi Fire Congee after risking your life and sanity drinking Meng Po’s impossibly heavenly soup**.

5. ACNE International – if you love your gadgets and toys like the Voodoo Dolls and Maureen Saw MK-III, then be sure make a stop at ACNE and shop till you drop. Literally.

6. Homo Boss – for those who enjoy the Essence series or suspect they have a severe case of body odor, then Homo Boss is the perfume for you. With an array of free samples of Essences for you to try, be prepared to spray yourself till your kingdom comes.

7. Prata – located on 911 Medicine Ave at 99th Heavenly Street, Prata is a haven for all designer fashion accessories lovers. Before entering, all chronic shoppers are advised to check their handbags for the following items: cash, MasterCard, Visa, American Express, checkbook and Essence of Saint Pra to ‘por’ for a cut-throat discount which will burn a hole in Mucus Prata’s cash register.

* Hurray for all cheaporella tourists and locals who are plotting to ‘accidentally’ remove some of the expensive pots, utensils and statues from the royal grounds.

** Bound to be heavenly as most of the patrons saw and moved towards The Light after just one sip of soup.

Author: Duck Medium

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

NEWS FLASH - New Product!

Maureen Saw MK-III

“Arrrrgggghhhh! *Gurgle* SPLAT!!!!!!!! *dead silence*” –testimonial from a very satisfied victim

After much anticipation by fans, ACNE International has finally released the Maureen Saw MK-III. Made from the corpse and body parts of unfortunate victims from the Saw movie series, together with a molten mixture of Saw DVDs, chainsaw, hacksaw, electric saw and the Maureen Saw MK-II, the Maureen Saw MK-III is born! Boasting a blade so sharp that it has tremendous difficulty in cutting a birthday cake, the Maureen Saw MK-III is the one and only instrument of murder and torture for all sadists who wished (on every birthday) to replay scenes from Jason, Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street, live! With a long start-up sequence and loud buzzing sounds, the Maureen Saw MK-III will allow the victims to run for all they like, but its in-built and insured GPS will allow the user to never lose trail of his/her/its intended victim.

The Maureen Saw MK-III also incorporates a mobile phone function which allows the user to torment and harass the victim with death threats and mocking comments.

Bored? Games such as Hangman and House of the Dead 4 are available to entertain the killer while the victim tries to futilely hide in a bathroom. Satellite link to the Internet will grant the killer access to e-books on more innovative and highly amusing chopping and torturing techniques.

Buy the Maureen Saw MK-III today and begin butchering like there is no tomorrow (to the victims, the meaning is literal)!

Promotion: The Maureen Saw MK-III will be given free to those who have racked up a body count of at least the population of Egg Yolk City. Certified sadists will be given 40% discount off total purchases. Butchers will receive 30% discount. Jason-wannabes will receive 1% off.

Take your rusty Maureen Saw MK-II and trade in for a new Maureen Saw MK-III free!

Price: Please check out the price on our website ( Cheapo imitations are out in the black markets. But those will explode and impale the user with plenty of Maureen Saw shrapnel. Starcup, Sinktel or Bokia users will enjoy an extra 120% taxes and charges on their bills.

*look out for the new i-Saw in the next edition of The New Freakstimes.

Reported by: Duck Medium

Sunday, February 7, 2010

NEWS FLASH - New Product!

Essence of Vishnu

The Essence of Vishnu, the latest addition to Homo Boss’s Essence series of perfumes, has just been released into the market like plague. According to Homo Boss, the Essence of Vishnu is by far the easiest to produce as all he needs to do is just kidnap BHSS’s Vishnu and boil him in a vat of tar, petroleum, gasoline, kerosene, black Nippon Paint, black hair dye, black eyeliner and black underwear until sick-green effervescence is released which sets litmus paper on fire.

A secret family recipe consisting of Duck Matter, leftover National Cadet Corpse, SSW oxide, Nitrous Mutabak and liquefied Maureen Saw MK-II, is used to concoct a noxious mixture that will cause Hercules to shriek like a school girl. The mixture is then added to the earlier compound to obtain a black isolated Essence that smells strongly of phlegm, vomit and decaying diarrhoea.

This essence of Vishnu will grant the user the ability to irritate those around him/her/it to their premature death. The annoying ability is rumoured to be on par with Princess Mutabak’s annoying royal canine, Whisky.

Directions: use once a day. The combined use of Essence of Vishnu with Essence of Saint Pra will cause the user to exhibit Exorcist-like characteristic such as 360° head twisting and projectile vomiting. Do not use the entire bottle at once. Side effects of overdose are unknown. Use at your own risk.

Caution: keep within reach of elderly, children and other spastic living organisms in your home.
Disclaimer: Homo Boss will not be responsible for any deaths, disappearance, spiritual possessions, loss of sanity and limbs, destruction of furniture or vomit-stained draperies.

Cost: $987654321.123456789. We accept the following modes of payment:

1) Cash
2) MasterCard
3) Visa
4) Cheque (made payable to Homo Boss)
5) Hellnotes (please pay the correct amount)
6) Freaktopian Express Card
7) Others: please specify. (acceptance will be considered on case-by-case basis)
8) All of the above

Reported by: Duck Medium


The current Prime Minister of Freaktopia has recently rejected the Fijian Chieftain Ugg Gaa Shaa Gaa’s 998th application to move his people into the pieceful and abundant realm of Freaktopia, after the Chief tried to eat the Prime Minister as a form of native Fijian greeting. Despite the Prime Minister attended the diplomatic meeting in a suit of armour, he had lost several appendages and chunks of flesh as Chieftain Shaa Gaa simply bite through the suit of metal as though it is made of toilet paper.

It is customary that Freaktopia changes its Prime Minister like how Paris Hilton changes her boyfriend, as Prime Ministers rarely survive any diplomatic meetings for they get eaten up, blown up, kidnapped and murdered, assassinated, possessed, turn suicidal and etc. Till date, 997 Prime Ministers have expired on an annual basis.

“It is unexpected that the Prime Minister survived the meeting with Chieftain Shaa Gaa. I will interpret this event as a sign for the cheaporella citizens of Freaktopia to spent astronomical sums of money to buy 4D, TOTO and Big Sweep. Though I would dare to say that none will actually win, but they can donate their life savings generously to the Freaktopia Pools,” said a multi-tasking Minister of Foreign Affairs who was busy scribbling on a 4D ticket, consulting the punter’s guide, placing illegal football bets with Bookiemon (a notorious bookie) and answering our Freakstimes reporter’s questions.

Although the Freaktopian Prime Minister rejected the Fijian application, the Princess Mutabak is considering granting the Fijians a special citizen status: the Permanent Resident Evil status. Negotiations between the Royal Princess of Mutabak Kingdom and the Chieftain Ugg Gaa Shaa Gaa will take place at the Sultana, where the Chieftain can bite grapefruits instead of sinking his teeth into our Princess’s egg membrane. The Mutabakian Parliament speculated that the negotiation will include the satisfaction of the Fijians’ diet by adding the Leech and the devious TFM sect in the menu of destruction, as well as free slave trade to boost the global economy and productivity.

When asked for the real reason behind the Princess Mutabak’s willingness to negotiate with the See-Food Syndrome stricken Fijian Chieftain, Her Highness’s eyes flashed and widen to the size of Dodo Fishballs as she simply replied, “Mutabak Kingdom cannot afford our Prime Ministers to die on an annual basis. This is VERY bad for our economy as state funerals are terribly expensive and they include 7% GST.”

- Reported by special correspondent Mr Hao Bo Liao (currently undergoing facial construction at Freak Tock Seng Hospital after Chief Shaa Gaa bit off his face)