Sunday, March 14, 2010

News Flash! K-Pop Fever - SNSD vs Wondergirls!

Mutabak Kingdom (Freaktopia) – SME (Sado-Masochism Entertainment), hailed by the Duck Buddha’s mother as the reigning king of cheaporella to whom she had grudgingly lost her title and crown to, is rumoured to be producing a ‘new and original’ song for SNSD entitled “Somebody” by copying the Wonder Girl’s hit song, Nobody. Yeah right. Very original indeed.

It is widely known - with the exception of SONES, worshippers of SME and dirty old men - that the cheapskate is completely incapable of writing lyrics of his own, let alone choreographing dance steps that do not resemble physiotherapeutic exercises for his nine stroke-stricken mannequins.

However, he is the undisputed champion, with an inborn talent for, in buying over and plagiarising the genius of others and posing them as his ‘masterpiece’. By duping an innocent and fledging Super Junior into signing a 15-year slave contract, he literally worked them to the bones by overloading the poor guys with endless performances until he becomes rich (from milking them until they are drier than the Sahara Desert) before exiling them to China when he got sick and tired of them. The same goes for BOA who was banished to the United States of America. It seems like the nine walking plastic surgery advertisements are the favourites of SM, as he allowed them to eat, shit, sleep around and hurl abuses and insults at other more established celebrities whenever they feel like it.

Have you ever wondered what SNSD do during their 8-month long hiatus? My best guess is either endless shopping sprees for lingerie-like clothes or perhaps taking courses in bitch behavioural sciences. In contrast, JYP insists that his Wonder Girls go to school if they must (and woe betide them if they do badly), and voluntary work is part and parcel of their celebrity schedule.

Personally, the video of the wonder Girls helping out at the home for the handicapped children is so heart-wrenching that the holy Duck Buddha used up an entire carton of Kleenex tissue paper*.

Of course SME raised the fair point of SNSD helping mothers to take care of their children; it is rather the case that the children were delivered to the studio instead of the 9 hopeless cases going to the homes of needy families. Not forgetting a comment by a SNSD fan who claimed the ‘girls’ to be talented. Well, I cannot find a reason to disagree as they are really talented in subjecting an innocent baby to life-threatening viruses by letting him bite on the dirty blimp that they had put on him after it had dropped onto the floor. The parents must have been bribed by SME not to sue him and SNSD or perhaps they have too many children to spare.

But I have digressed as I cannot help ranting and raving like a crazed duck infected with Mad-Corpse Disease whenever the delightful topic of SME and SNSD pops up. Back to the subject of Somebody, the new original production by SME the photocopy machine. Wonderful, die hard but logical and reasonable fans of the Wonder Girls, have speculated that the nine spastics would be taking all the leaves out of the Wonder Girl’s book by donning on saris that have enough cloth area to modestly clothe an infant.

‘After thinking for several seconds, I have decided that SNSD would not be dancing around microphone stands. They will be dancing around nine coconut trees to give Somebody a more ethnic feel, compared to the out-dated retro feel of Nobo…” said SM Lee (Sado-Masochistic Lee) before a truck interrupted the interview by driving full-speed into the exact spot where that hateful organism was seated, before it could complete the rest of its nonsensical babbling. Don’t you find this accident a little familiar to Final Destination? Priests at the Macarena Temple had interpreted this as a revelation from God, who became allergic to his incessant yapping and had decided to bring forward Lee’s expiry date, much to the despair of the Other Realm**.

Much to the delight of Wonderfuls, the rumour saying that SNSD will be going over to JYP was recently found to be untrue. It was discovered that SME spread the rumour in hope of helping the well-disliked SNSD to gain some fame as it took an eight-decade long hiatus after Wonder Girls, DBSK, BOA, Super Junior and many other celebrities began to make a Korea comeback one after another.

“I would rather close shop and commit suicide than let SNSD enter JYP,” said JYP who was throwing SNSD dolls after SNSD dolls into the company’s newly-installed incinerator after several incidents of SONES sending him scantily clad figurines of SNSD in hope of brainwashing him. “If SNSD is going to represent the girl generation of today, I am going to go for a sex change,” said the Princess Mutabak in an I-mean-it tone. This statement has caused tremendous worries for Queen Mutabak and raised Princess Puree’s perfectly-plucked eyebrows.

So,what are the lame reasons SONEs give for liking the nine artificial plastics? Some cliché ones are like “ooh, Yoonarrgh is so pretty” and “Seowho? can really dance”. Are SONEs blind, deaf or simply mentally and physically challenged? Anyone with functioning eyeballs, intact eardrums and enough mental functions can tell that SNSD is completely unsynchronised in their dance steps and somehow, they claim to be unfortunate enough to suffer from countless incidents of malfunctioning microphones.

Again, the priests at Macarena Temple take that to be another divine revelation from God that He might subject them to A Series of Unfortunate Events. SNSD can really dance, but I have yet to hear any justification from SONEs on why Turdfanny kept on messing up her dance moves for two years and is still committing the same mistakes. It seems like Turdfanny is the extra in SNSD as she is always seen bulling her way into the camera’s view, a scene you often witness when Ah Sohs push and shove their way to board the public buses and trains. Sure, countless dirty old men and deprived boys are yearning for SNSD’s company in their bed.

*Intermission* Projectile vomit. Merlion. (reader discretion is advised)

Really, I would rather have Sadako and Kayako sharing my bed than have the nine nightmarish mannequins climbing into my bed. Suddenly the idea of becoming gay is extremely inviting. If SNSD ever does that, I would rather sleep in a high security bank vault which is protected by Goldilocks security systems.

Cute. You call SNSD cute. I say puke. First of all, can someone just deal with their plastic faces? According to field observations conducted by stalker-rellas hired by the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, it was discovered that a SNSD member piles on more make-up than Marked Lee and Faint Wong added together. In a Youtube video, I had saw ??? (I don’t really know the name as all nine are so damn identical) crying as she received some 300 plus hate mail in one serving, telling her to fuck off and her singing is really horrid (give a round of applause for that stated fact). OH MY GOD! Look at the running eye-liner and trail of washed-away foundation. Do you want to know why the snobbish SNSD ignored their fans? It is because if they smile, their plastic faces would crack from the severe strain caused by the herculean effort of contorting their facial features into that of a smile.

With the protective layer of cosmetics caking away, their deluded fans would be enlightened to the fact that the SNSDs’ perfect faces are as perfect as Faint Wong’s i.e. marred with pimples, acnes, scars, blackheads, whiteheads, moles and scars from countless failed plastic surgeries. I think even the magic mirror in Snow White would shatter in suicide rather than reflect their image in itself. If SNSD is really ‘pretty’, then the visages of their fans are really left much to be desired. To add medicated oil to the flames, one of the SNSD members looks like a freakin’ man before intensive plastic surgery.

At least the Wonder Girls are ordinary-looking and so are their fans. In defence of SNSD’s snobbish attitude, several CRONEs claimed that their and their idols share excellent personalities. Really? Let’s see. How about the incident where the Princess Mutabak got her head smashed with a filled metal water bottle by a SNSD fanatic. Therefore I conclude that SNSD and their fans are violent, bloodthirsty, unreasonable and barbaric.

I simply cannot believe that SNSD is so modest. They actually wore pants (for the first and last time) in the music video of Gee, although those appropriate clothing somehow disappeared into the thin air. Wait, that is only skin-deep modesty (pun intended). Once they won nine consecutive awards for whatever pathetic song they sang, and they harped on that microscopic achievement for several months like a broken tape recorder stuck on replay. On the other hand, the Wonder Girls won 12 awards for “Tell Me”, the highest in history, and humbly continued to work hard without as much self-generated fuss and hooha as the nine big mouths.

The Imperial Princess of Mutabak called for a meeting of Parliament, after several millions were admitted to Freak Tock Seng Hospital for epileptic spasms, to address the national problem. At the Sultana, the coroner’s report pointed its rheumatic finger at SNSD’s Gee music video, saying that the abominable creation is capable of inducing fits, retardation and mannequinism (where a mutabak irreversibly transfigures into a plastic mutabak). The Pincess Mutabak made a plea to her citizens not to mix Ghee with Gee, as the consequence will be very, very dire.

Sigh. Back to the carbon-dated topic of fashion between SNSD and Wonder Girls. Speaking of fashion, the CRONEs said Wonder Girls cannot dress to save their own lives, but the Duck Buddha say SNSD is simply the embodiment of embarrassment and shame and the epitome of fashion catastrophe. Just think for a second, how in Freaktopia is military uniform (I mean half uniform as you cannot count the booty short as a uniform. It is a lingerie) even relevant to Genie?

Sure Wonder Girls dress conventionally and conservatively, but at least parents do not shriek “PORN!” when they are on screen, unlike some nine synthetics. Anyone can be a fortune teller when it comes to predicting what SNSD would be wearing. Sure enough the prognostications would include panty-like shorts and bra-like shirts. Why not throw in some striptease since SNSD is cheap and shameless enough to dress in undergarment-like clothing.

However, SME called for a sponsored press conference (another blatant display of his cheaporellaness) and there he said “Yoonargh wears everything so short, she might as well not wear anything. I sincerely wish that Spoilt Niece, Yoonargh, Seowho?, Mr Tae, Jerksicka, Soo Not Young, Eewwri and Hyungman could follow her example. This would help SME to scrimp on costume budget”.

And Holy Mother of Jesus! The lollipop*** waving is so obscene that I have sworn never to eat one ever again. Even infants and toddlers are boycotting lollipops until SNSD stop abusing that innocent diabetes-causing candy in their eye and screen defiling acts.

If silence is cash, then SNSD must be living in perpetual poverty (that explains their tiny cloths and starved features) as somehow Turdfanny and Mr. Tae are biologically incapable of keeping their trap shut for even a split second. SNSD is often featured on variety shows insulting their seniors****, demeaning them, demoralising them or simply criticising others as though they are perfect. That’s right, they are perfect plastics. And if brains are money, they will never be able to break free from the poverty cycle as all nine do not have enough cranial cells put together to come up with intelligent remarks. Somehow, their words are as superficial as them. The next time SNSD open its mouth, someone should say this to them: “your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good. You don’t open your mouth; I won’t tell others that you are a moron”.

But I, the magnanimous Duck Buddha, shall forgive the nonsensical gibbers of SNSD, for one cannot blame them for their stupidity as SME picked them for their bitchiness, sluttiness and plasticity. For once, I agree with SONEs that SNSD is one and united. This is because any normal human being will be completely unable to differentiate Plastic Soo Not Young from Plastic Yoonargh. I think it is either Hyungman or Spoilt Niece (maybe it is Turdfanny or even Jerksicka) saying that Super Junior is not united. The nine polyester have absolutely no right to utter such ironic statement as Jerksicka is living up to her name (proudly given to her by her equally despotic parents) by being mean to her group members, while Ms Spoilt Niece cannot coordinate her bodily movements to match with the spiritual possession convulsions of the remaining members. It appears that the members of SNSD suffer from eye-thought-limb coordination disorder. Girl Generation (shouldn’t it be Gee Generation, since dirty old men love it so much) have so much unity that they will put the Very United Nations to shame.

On a final thought, if there is SME, why can’t there DME (Duck Medium Entertainment)? And before I lay my keyboard and myself to eternal rest, let me give SNSD my final gift; The Pledge.

We, the brainwashed fans of SNSD,
Poise ourselves as one united ahjuushi
Regardless of cannot sing, cannot dance or plastic face,
To desire for more epileptic convulsions,
Based on sunbae leeching and pornographic exposure
So as to achieve more butt-shakings, shorter booty shorts and lollipop waving,
For our sick pleasures.

* Duck Medium’s mother: Ah Boy, use toilet paper. It is cheaper. You think I go and print money, is it? Tissue paper very expensive, especially Kleenex brand.

**The Other Realm has every right to despair as the expiry of SM Lee means that he will definitely create an afterlife version of SNSD and turn the Other Realm upside-down and inside-out. President Yen Lo has sent pleas of aid to High Summoner Geek, Duck Medium, Nekomancer and Immortal SSW.

***The Princess Mutabak expressed her primal urge to snatch the oversized lollipop and unceremoniously plunge it down the throat of the Plastic Generation. Of course for safety reasons, the Princess would be clad in Anti-SNSD suit, made by Immortal SSW and Duck Buddha, as skin contact with a plastic would cause the Princess to decompose.

****Well, you have the occasion where Jerksicka corrected dunno-who’s English pronounciation. But again hers is worse than dunno-who’s. Then you have another plastic calling a senior an idiot, whereas she herself is an utter moron.

- An otherworldly commentary from Duck Medium’s Altar of Sacrifice

Bibliography and references

Turdfanny saying Super Junior is not one

Mr Tae calling a senior an idiot

Jerksica being mean

Spoilt Niece’s ‘beauty’

Seowho? Looks like a freakin’ man

Yoonargh wearing everything shorter than everyone else

Reported by: Duck Buddha

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