Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Inter-Realm Heavenly Tribune

Purple Bamboo Grove (Heavenly Realm) - The Heavenly Realm was thrown into a cauldron of celestial mess in the aftermath of the SSW Immortal Pill factory’s explosion in the Other Realm, just a fortnight ago. With newly immortalized spirits floating up all the way to the Seventh Heaven, the Heavenly Realm is currently facing a problem of overcrowding, rising prices* and administrative nightmares (with application forms stacked so high that it would put Mount Pra and Mount Ro to shame) comprising of lawsuits, tantrums and complaints travelling at the speed of light.

Concerned about the falling standards of immortals, the Buddha Association of Buddhas (BAB) has convened to Thunder Monastery for an emergency meeting. At Thunder Monastery, where Buddhas have to shout across the 500 kilometre wide conference room over the never-ending 2000 decibels thunderstorms raging outside, the Enlightened Ones began to debate over the SSW Immortal Pill factory explosion. The Mangosteen Buddha, Patron Saint of Princess Mutabak, said the incident was most unfortunate and nothing could be done to prevent it as it was all according to Destiny’s Child, a set of ancient prophecies recorded on an audio CD that could be found in all CD-Lama stores.

He proceeded to cross-examine Immortal SSW, via video conference, who said that the pills could immortalize deceased spirits even if they inhale just a microscopic amount of its heavenly fumes. Several Immortalized spirits were sent to Freak Tock Seng Hospital for Expiration Therapy, but the treatment did not work, much to the frustrations of the Buddha Association. As a result, several more were shipped to the Immortal SSW’s laboratory in the Royal Urban University of Mutabak via Fed-Ex, where the scalpel–happy Immortal would conduct the most demented experiments to diagnose the problem and come up with a solution (which all the Buddhas were literally fervently praying for one to appear miraculously).

A professor at the department of Theoretical Spiritualism and Practical Immortalisation, Unknown University (United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations), said he suspects that the Buddha Association is brewing a very strange, fishy and sinful plot which is bound to contain the idea of stewing the spirits in the Eight Trigrams Furnace or charbroil them in Samurai-Murai Brand True Samadhi Fire Oven. The comment has caused the Temple of Mangosteen Buddha to place a hefty bounty on the professor’s head.

A Buddha Association spokesperson said the enlightened ones were being childish (although their combined age is enough to make Paris Hilton undergo menopause and Britney Spears become a shrivelled prune) as they are being jealous of those spirits becoming immortals after a few whiff of gaseous Immortal Essence, while the Buddhas have to undergo millenniums of meditation to attain Nirvana.

“Why can’t that bunch of old folks give it a rest and retire to their mouldy old caves and not stir up any more trouble? They shouldn’t be arguing so heatedly as, God knows, several may expire from heart attacks while the rest from stroke,” said the spokesperson.

When Freakstimes interviewed a fellow Freaktopian, the interviewee expressed his wish to become a Buddha via consumption of SSW Immortal Pills as he can skip all the vegetarianism and sutra chanting. It was this comment that caused the Heavenly realm to panic as it is already in deficit of prayers and profits from the sale of its sutras is about to hit rock bottom.

Meanwhile, it seems that the Heavenly Realm will have to put up with the celestial rubbish and nonsense thrown at it by the newly, accidentally immortalized Other Realm Spirits. But the Buddha Association is having none of its, as it said, “if spirits continue to be immortalised via the easy way, then we, the Buddha Association of Buddhas, will go on strike and will refuse to answer any prayers”.
The Mutabak Princess is currently unavailable for comments as she is personally painting a portrait for the Mangosteen Buddha as a tribute to negotiate for a celestial tax relief on the sale of SSW Immortal Pills, told Freakstimes by the Lord Chamber Pot of Mutabak.
*The affected products are incense, joss paper, paper offerings and Buddha-brand Lotus Seat MK-I

- reported by Rotters (an inter-dimensional news agency)

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