Brought to you by the Freak Tock Seng Medical Research Department
Cowford Definition: Immortality is a state of psychology. Being is what determines being as being, that which is known as being in the sense of a being. So to unbecome a being, the being will have to be an unbeing to be a being that is not a being. Hence, the immortal being is no longer a being but an eternal entity that transcends all being and it lacks the being of being a being. In other words, the immortal is not a mortal. Duh!
Immortal SSW’s diagnosis: People who have attained immortality should ideally have reached a state of Zen and Nirvana like myself. Otherwise, their continued existence would be a waste of resources to Freaktopia. People who have inadvertently, accidentally, illegally or forcefully turned into an Immortal without having a licence from the Buddha Association of Buddhas (BAB) are classified as Diseased Immortals and will be exiled via Expiration Therapy, as explained in the treatment process below.
1. Consuming the rare Immortality Essence manufactured once every millennium by Immortal SSW Inc
2. Exposure to Immortality fumes which are byproducts of Immortality Pill production
3. Illegally consuming the Heavenly Peach stolen from The Mutabak Palace Forbidden Garden
4. Restriction of Entry Summons from the Underworld
Mortality Rate: Immortality! Get it?
Recommended Treatment: Expiration Therapy carried out by inexperienced and highly incompetent psychiatrists. The Therapy consists of 3 steps: First, sell salted duck eggs for a month, then kick the bucket exercise for a month, followed by digging own grave and building own coffin. Those who fail to unimmortalize themselves after the Expiration Therapy will be sent to the Underworld to train as Hell Guards (Ox head or Horse Face).
Causes: Drenched by Coconut Milk, Curry Rain, Mee Siam Soup or Mee Rebus Gravy. Drenching by Chinese style soup causes shriveling instead, which is incurable.
Mortality Rate: 80%
Description: A relatively mild disease compared to Immortality, Sogginess causes Pratas and Thosais to crumble into soggy, flaky bits comparable to McDonald’s fries that have been left out in the air for 100 years. Victims will be immobilized in their state of sogginess until the liquid is extracted by extremely painful means as described below.
Recommended Treatment: Liquid Extraction by Microwaving, Ovening or Steamroller-pressing. Mild cases can be treated by a little sun-tanning or blow-drying using a hairdryer.
Disease: Spontaneous Combustion
Causes: Unknown. According to Biohazard Scientist, one possible cause is the Global Warming.
Mortality Rate: 99%
Description: Victims will be just walking on the road, going about their daily mundane activities when…”POOF!” they become engulfed by a ball of flames which inevitably burns them to a delicious, crispy and crunchy remnants. Passer-bys are advised to quickly eat the leftover pieces for good luck.
Recommended Treatment: Very difficult to treat when the combustion process is over within a few seconds. However, it is recommended that all thosais and pratas carry fire extinguishers around with them for cautionary purposes. The portable fire extinguishers weigh 20kg and can be purchased at Duck Buddha’s Multipurpose Shop.
Causes: Watching too much SNSD MTVs
Mortality Rate: 99.9%
Description: Multipox consists of chicken pox, curry pox, white pox, black pox, mini pox, mega pox, etc etc etc. Victims are identified by the multiple colorful poxes of different sizes on their body. An extremely deadly disease, it has so far claimed the lives of all SNSD MTV watchers.
Recommended Treatment: Watch Wondergirls MTV
Disease: Mad Duck Disease
Causes: Consuming Duck Matter that has not undergone the Holy Chant by Duck Buddha himself.
Mortality Rate: 98%
Description: This dreadful disease causes the victim to act like a deranged, unhinged duck that goes around quacking and waddling incessantly. The high mortality rate is the result of irritated passer-bys murdering them.
Recommended Treatment: Esuna, Panacea, or Elixir, all of which can be purchased at Allopia Spy School White Magic Pharmacy
Reported by: Urban Geek