Thursday, March 11, 2010

News Flash! - Indian Cuisine Unrest

Mutabak Kingdom (Freaktopia) – Of late, Mutabak Kingdom is swimming in an ocean of religious turmoil after a series of Nasi Lemak Bombs were simultaneously set off throughout the Kingdom at 2600 hours on Thursday night. The attack left 37,000 soaked to death in coconut milk and 74,000 permanently incapacitated by irreversible sogginess. Police investigations and reports from the Forensic Prataology department, revealed the notorious Le Nasi Padang Mafia to be responsible for the act of terrorism.

The Kingdom recently permitted the Church of Nasi Briyani to preach the religion, despite several nations from the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations having their suspicions and some have voiced their objections.

“The Church of Nasi Briyani certainly smells malodorous as I have never heard of the Gospel of Satay before,” squeaked the Royal Puree Kingdom’s tiny envoy.

“And I have, here, a report from the Inter-Fool that said the Le Nasi Padang is involved in several organised crime such as coconut trafficking, sale of Pandan explosives and illegal manufacturing of drugs such as Asam Pedas and Sambal Belacan,” said a representative from Chapatti-land.

According to the chemical analysis conducted by Professor Eugenium on the Asam Pedas, the results showed that the substance is capable of causing Mutabaks to spontaneously combust. Another report on the chemical spectrum analysis of the Sambal Belacan, conducted by the Immortal SSW, identified the drug to be a strong hallucinogen capable of inducing illusions of Sesame Street and sexually stimulating the victim by implanting pornographic visions of SNSD with Big Bird, Elmo and Cookie Monster. The Princess Mutabak was so mentally disturbed by the report that she had to retire to her royal chamber for a year.

After 2 hours of letting the Church of Nasi Briyani enter the Mutabak Kingdom, the preachers were instantly elevated to the status of Public Enemy, as they began using loudhailers to scream verses from the Gospel of Satay, which made no sense to the local Mutabakians. The noise pollution was beyond tolerable levels and it caused every piece of glass to shatter, and every eardrum to explode in a bloody mess.

The never-ending preaching has severely frayed the nerves of so many Mutabaks that about a quarter committed suicide, another quarter; homicide and one-eighth crowded outside Freak Tock Seng Hospital (FTSH), begging for euthanasia. The remaining sane (but not for long) citizens broke their bank accounts to purchase lethal personal security systems from Goldilocks*, in an attempt to keep those incessant acolytes of the Church of Nasi Briyani away.

But the social nuisance got out of hand when they started to usurp the Temple of Curry, the Goddess of spiciness, world wars and violent deaths, and made it into their Church of Nasi Briyani by grilling the temple priests in the backyard, alive. The act of religious blasphemy caused the citizens to turn to the High Summoner Urban Geek, who resides in Macarena Temple**, for help. Arriving in a state-sponsored Lamborghini, the High Summoner*** surveyed the Church acolytes and found them wanting. She then prayed to Goddess Curry to visit hell, suffering, pain, disaster, catastrophe, calamity and all other assorted misfortunes and punishments on the sinful religious group.

“Aiyah, I can’t be bothered to send that bunch of over-zealous Church of Nasi Briyani acolytes to the execution grounds as it involves too much paperwork and lengthly dialogues with the Sultan of Nasi Goreng,” sighed the Princess Mutabak who was busy signing stacks of official documents.

“I will just simply send the Bill for National Damage to Meelaysia, and he WILL pay the bill. Of course, the 7% GST will not be forgotten,” added the Princess as she proceeds the dump the rest of the unsigned documents into the fireplace and start her daily ritual of slamming SONES on the forum.

*Goldilocks is one of the few places (besides the Mutabak Palace, the University and FTSH) the Church did not preach at, as it still values its life. God knows what a cranky Goldilocks will do to it if business is disrupted, or customers committing suicide within their premises. Profits for Goldilocks shot sky-high, which the Mutabak Ministry of Finance decided to leverage on by slapping an equally sky-high income tax on Goldilocks. Smart, eh?

**Macarena Temple is the Mutabak Kingdom’s Imperial Dance Competition 10-time winner as its Macarena dance is extremely formidable with the usage of its ancient treasure; the Macarena Temple’s Maracas.

***The High Summoner is planning to summon several complaint letters to the Traffic Department as they slapped a hefty fine on her, and towed her personal Ferrari away, for speeding along the deserted Frying Pan Expressway, just because she is responding to the national cry for divine help.

-Reported by Malaria Maria

No comments:

Post a Comment