Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Last Will and Testament from the Duck Buddha

Anyone or anything that has an Internet connection and an interest in the on-goings of the K-pop fraternity would be bound to know that the musical climate is being badly polluted by the SNSD’s wonderful vocals resembling fingernails on a chalk board, or a Jigglypuff with throat cancer.

Furthermore, the innocent screens and eyeballs of several millions across the universe got defiled by the obscene appearance of the nine convulsing plastics who rudely pushed and shove other established celebrities off the stage just to bull their way into the camera’s view, bringing cheap pornography and everlasting nightmares to homes. And the last thread of patience snapped when SONEs, worshippers of SNSD, infiltrated the sacred sanctuary of STAND (Standing Till All Nine Die) forum and defiled its sanctity with their brainlessness. Day after day, night after night, the STAND members wage a war against the pestilential CONEs in an attempt to make their forum pure and immaculate once again. With this article, I am assured that SONEs are bound to place a bounty on my head.

But, alas! The obtuse SONEs somehow were able to make full use of the little intelligence, granted to them by the grace and mercy of the Almighty, and utilise their cowardice and shamelessness (learnt from SNSD themselves) to infiltrate STAND. Can one imagine the agony of having to tell one, who is as hopelessly thick as Whiskie (the Royal canine of Mutabak Palace) to shut up and go away? Not surprisingly, the plastic heads preserve in their fruitless endeavour and stayed in the forum, where the STANDs simply use cool logic, pure reasoning and concrete-hard evidence to blast SONEs into cyber oblivion and to their kingdom come.

Staying true to their name, the SONEs, being the plastic they are, are inelastic in their arguments and recycle each other’s words as imagination is beyond their mental capability and creativity is a concept they can hope to but never to grasp. Seriously, in my opinion, arguing with a SONE is a complete waste of time, energy and youth. This is because these precious resources could be used to produce more Anti-SNSD parodies which will garner lots of support for Wonder Girls and simultaneously driving SONE’s up the wall and through the ceiling, which results in SNSD taking another 8-months hiatus just because they are too unpopular, unwanted and too distressed to conduct anymore screeching or lollipop waving. Do you know that quarrelling with a SONE is equivalent to arguing with a kid? Look at the example below:

STAND member: is too!
SNSD member: is not!

And the same words repeat until one give up (very unlikely) or until both died (guaranteed)
STANDs, my love, demean not your integrity and intellect, for SONEs, the poor lamentable things, are merely primal life forms. It is to STAND’s greatest advantage and benefit to show sympathy to SONE’s for being the brainwashed, dim-witted and shallow feral animals they are, for being magnanimous is being Buddha. Amitabha.

Before I breathe my last, allow me to present a parting gift to my dear, dear SONEs:

Shall I compare thee to a neutron star?
Thou art more hostile and almost as dense:
Rough words from thee most plentiful by far,
And often they just plain fail to make sense:
Sometime too hot thy temper cannot quell,
And often dost thou spew unreas'ning hate;
In all thy supernovas I catch naught,
And can but duck and hope it doth abate;
But thy acidic tongue shall wag senselessly,
Nor lose possession of thy superficiality;
Nor shall even Death slow the torrent,
For thou shall hassle me 'til Time doth quit:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long will I be sore annoyed by thee

By: Duck Buddha

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