Sunday, September 18, 2011

News Flash! - New transport system in the works

As the roads of Freaktopia remain hopelessly jammed for 24 hours every day, the Land Transport Authority (LTA) decided to explore a new transport system that makes use of Freaktopia's extremely new, well-connected, state-of-the-art, effective and efficient sewage system. It is collaborating with the National Environment Agency on matters such as sewage network and waste systems; Royal Urban University of Mutabak on transport system engineering and management; Unknown University on issues such as unknown statistics and probable tragedies and with Allopia Spy School on Computer Systems and Security.
This new transport system will allow commuters to do away with waiting for buses or trains, congestions and accidents as all they need to do are - don wetsuits and oxygen tanks, tap their ez-link card on the card reader installed on their toilet bowl's water cistern, say their destination clearly to the computer, and flush themselves to their destinations. The LTA has had considerable success at the experimental stage though all of its elderly passengers perished in the process as the computer was unable to process their destination and hence they spent days circulating the entirety of Freaktopia's sewage network until they suffocated and had to be fished out by the NEA. Furthermore, four had died from cardiac arrest as they were flushed at speeds of 160-180km/h and all of its obese passengers got stuck midway and had to be rescued. Besides the occasional death, the LTA is pleased with the project's progress and excellent results.
"I feel that this new way of travelling is going to take over the conventional way of travelling on land. The roads of Freaktopia are polluted with speed cameras, traffic polices, speed limits, ERP gantries, traffic lights, zebra crossings and humps every 2 meters. Vehicles could only travel at 5mm/h. With the new Sewage Transport, commuters can travel at literally breakneck speeds and reach their destination early or on time!" said the Minster for Land Development and Transport. A member of the public said "however, people can get stuck in the sewage pipe or die if the pipe explode like what happened to Thangs the last time."
Though the unsanitary way of travelling is most likely to be a hit with the busy population of Freaktopia, the hygiene and fashionable segments are concerned as this will pollute the air with unbearable stench and mess up the hair and makeup they had taken great pains to do up. Car dealers and manufacturers are worried as they might go bankrupt and are starting to dabble in flying carpet, teleportation and sewage transport technologies and its nuances.
Whether the new Sewage Transport System will yield good results or be a flush in the bowl will be determined by how congested the pipes can be with both humans and waste matter fighting for space. Seriously, can a boring and puke-inducing sight of faeces and urine trump the beautiful city scene with the occasional motor vehicle versus pedestrian tragedy?
Reported by Roasted Duck Medium Rare   

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