Sunday, September 18, 2011

News Flash! - Transportation woes

For the past month, the Land Transport Authority (LTA) and the Freaktopian Prime Minister has been futilely pledging more resources to increase the number of vehicles and trips during peak and off-peak periods to ease the never-ceasing human congestion and facilitate faster travels with fewer tantrums thrown during the frustratingly long 30-second wait for the next taxi, bus or train. Despite the efforts made and money wasted, the smooth transport plan envisioned by the universe was not proceeding according to plan as yesterday, countless catastrophic public transport-related disasters erupted all over Freaktopia like the Black Death.

According to the Freakstimes newsroom, the first accident was reported by a blind eye witness at 5am, the first bus service for the day, when a deranged-looking female Prata national produced a chainsaw out of nowhere and began mowing down passengers who were pushing and shoving to get on the first bus. "All I know is that I smell Prata, Tosai, Mutabaks, Fruits, Vegetables and heard the buzzing roar of a chainsaw! The next thing I know is I smelled spilled fillings, juice and curry and heard lots of screaming!" said the witness before being ran over by a speeding unlicensed unicycle as he proceeded to cross the road unaided.

Just moments later at 5.01am, the Mutabakian Police Department alerted the Freakstimes that annoyed passengers on bus service 666 had decided to take the overcrowding situation into their own hands by opening windows and tossing excessive passengers out of the numerous openings by the side of the public transport vehicle. However, the situation deteriorated as they proceeded to dump each other out of the windows and doors. Unceremoniously evicted passengers found themselves lethally smashing onto curbs, falling off 12-stories high highways or being mowed over by speeding lorries on the expressway.

According to satellite imaging, approximately 66,000 miles long of the road was plastered or littered with body parts of various parts, shapes and sizes. The LTA rejected the National Environment Agency's (NEA) plea to clean up the mess. The reason is that cleaning up would either add more people and/or vehicles to the 24 hour constantly jammed roads of Freaktopia and this would cause citizens to sell their luxury cars in favour of heavy duty lorries and trucks, military tanks or bulldozers to combat lesser puny motor vehicles on the road. An LTA official said this situation would most definitely cause serious administrative problems like having to come up with coupons, parking lots, COE and ERP (Electronic Road Pricing) for such big vehicles.

Fortunately, the mayhem affected the train service as well. The Freaktopian Mess Rabid Transport (MRT) reported over 97531 cases of passengers being bisected or have limbs torn off by the trains' doors or safety gates. 99.9% of the casualties bled to death as they refused medical aid in a valiant attempt to reach work on time. Due to the countless severed body parts, the trains' doors malfunctioned. Majority of the passengers suffered from fractured extremities as they tried to break down the doors and alight. In addition, several lost their lives as frustrated commuters vented their anger on one another and on the service operators.

The overcrowding on buses was so bad that passengers had to sit on the laps or cling onto the necks and waists of the bus captains. Earlier this year, the Land Transport Authority had removed all seats from buses and trains, set up signs encouraging passengers to contort themselves to save space on the public transport and installed handrails on the top, sides and bottom of buses and trains just to accommodate more travellers. However, the LTA removed the undercarriage handrails as all of the passengers under the bus fractured their spines and skull whenever the vehicle goes over a hump.

A Health Ministry official commented that the sky-high fatality rate will overwork medical professionals to the brink of insanity and/or suicide. Professor Lao Zi, Head of Unknown University's Economics and Home Economics, speculated that there will be a severe shortage of coffins, priests, funeral equipments and personnel, crematoriums and columbarium space and it will cause the prices to rocket and inflate beyond affordability as suppliers will seize the chance to earn 10,000% profit from the catastrophes. He advised families to pick up carpentry and funerary skills so that they can D.I.Y funeral rites and burial for their deceased.

When contacted by the Freakstimes, the LTA said it might legalise flying carpets, teleportation and extend the ERP to non-motor vehicles like unicycles, bicycles and tricycles. At present, the LTA is collaborating with the NEA in researching and experimenting on a new revolutionary sewage transport system.

Reported by Duck Medium and Freddy Ferrari

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