Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Special Feature - Grim University Hospital


Grim University Hospital is the first and, at present, the only university hospital in the vast universe of Freaktopia. It was recently established by the Freaktopian Health Ministry to combat the "constant outbreaks of unusual maladies, improve the disastrous health conditions of its inhabitants, and strengthen and expand the medical knowledge and skills of the medical staff through rigorous research and training". 

As compared to the deplorable state that Freak Tock Seng Hospital and other general hospitals are in, Grim University Hospital stands at zero stories high, with 89 basements, 1,000 incompetent doctors and 1,444 careless and ill-tempered nurses. In addition to the usual clinical departments found in all other mundane hospitals, the university hospital is proud to have new departments such as the Spiritual and Paranormal clinics to service the possessed, haunted and recently departed; Abnormal Practices to diagnose uncommon and rare diseases that have never even been heard of; Cuisine Surgery to treat food-related health problems such as Curry Intoxication, Herbal Soup Drowning, Popcorn Explosions, Overcooked injuries, Fruity Concussions (Papaya, durian, jackfruit, coconut and etc), Vegetosis (human biological mutation due to consumption of expired vegetables), USW (Utensils Stab Wounds) and Fast Food Addiction; Lethality, Catastrophes and Disasters (LCD) rooms are the equivalent of your accident and emergency rooms, just that the LCD deals with patients who are a danger to themselves and everyone around them; and many others.

Staff and Facilities

The staff at Grim University Hospital are a sullen, sallow and ill-looking lot who pile on white make up, ICI Deluxe facial paint and plenty of black eyeliner, lipstick and mascara to provide a gothic and deathly professional vibe to visitors. In addition to being downright useless, hopeless and worthless, the hospital staff are hired based on their intensive love for death and disdain towards life and as such, patients are guaranteed to face their mortality as they struggle in vain to cling onto survival. 

The cleaning personnel are terribly competent in creating clogged sinks, regurgitating toilets, dusty corridors and polluting the operating rooms. The public can also be rest assured of facing plenty of hypertensive frustrations when making inquiries or appointments over the phone as the administrators are never around and never pleased to serve the peoples' needs. In short, the magnificently mentally-challenged and brainless staff at Grim University Hospital can never be found elsewhere, for they are the dregs of society.

Grim University Hospital is built underground with the avoidance of nuclear warfare in mind, though it will be the first to collapse if there is an earthquake measuring 20.9 on the Richter scale. Located just 3,4567890 miles south of Mount Pra, 1,2345678 miles east of Mount Ro and 9,876543210 miles north of Mutabak Kingdom, Grim University Hospital is found deep beneath the earth, patients will be treated to a depressing view of compressed earth and the occasional fossilised dinosaur or buried skeleton. 

With lifts travelling at the speed of light, patients, visitors and staff are all advised to buckle themselves securely or risk guaranteed death when the lift stops. The establishment also boasts 3 cafeterias, with 12 master chefs who cannot cook to save their lives and have absolutely no inkling of what decent food tastes like, to serve the most revoltingly-bland food that will even put the world-acclaimed hospital food to shame. 

Priding itself in emergency treatment, the hospital has a helipad somewhere but nobody knows where it is except for the helipad itself. A multi-storey car park could also be found near the helipad and again nobody knows its location. Being the most accessible hospital, emergency patients are rest assured that they are more likely to perish in an ambulance than dying in the operating theatre. 

Reported by: Duck Medium

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