FREAKSTIMES – In a series of unfortunate events that have befallen Freaktopia the past few months, the latest incident that brewed was the drowning of thousands of innocent shoppers in the Thangs underground tunnel when the sewage pipe burst. Kayporter Lily Li reports.
According to the Sewage Maintenance Authority (SMA), the pipe had burst as a result of too much hard stools released by people in the Thangs Mall toilets which got stuck in the pipe, leading to severe blockage and thus the pipe eventually burst.
The Kayporter contacted the Stools Sciences Authority (SSA) on the reason for this phenomenon. SSA Head of Sai Research said,”This phenomenon of an usually large volume of hard stools could be attributed to the rise in consumption of mooncakes recently. As you all know, mooncakes are very heaty and eating too much mooncakes can lead to hard stools.”
The Haze Monitoring Association (HMA) had an alternative opinion. HMA Director said,”Eating mooncakes will lead to hard stools? What rubbish! The cause is actually the haze from Indo-Asia! Haze from any other places would not cause hard stools. But if it comes from Indo-Asia, jialat!” However, he stopped short of revealing the exact reason.
On further prompting by the ever-persistent Kayporter, the HMA Director said secretively,”You know what? The haze from Indo-Asia carries the essence of terrorism! Terrorism causes constipation!”
After saying that the director scuttled off, possibly for fear of being targeted by the Al-Gebra terrorist group for revealing their secret. It turned out that the terrorist group intended to use haze as a weapon of mass destruction by causing widespread constipation. The burst pipe may only be just the beginning of a series of terrorist attacks by the much-feared Al-Gebra group.
On a sidenote, the thousands who drowned in the excrement were all hauled off to the Jurong Island for burial and to be used as fertilizers.