Random jokes

1) A father is teaching simple maths to his 5 yr old son.

Father, "Son, how many people are there in your classroom?"

Son, "Including the teacher, 31."

Father, "So without the teacher, there are 30 people left in the classroom?"

Son, "Nope! Without the teacher, there will be NO one left in the classroom!"


2) Lieutenant, "Sergeant! Didn't I tell you to secure all the exits in the compound?"

Sergeant, "Yes sir! We did secure all the exits and security is very tight."

Lieutenant, "If the exits are secured, how did the intruder escaped?"

Sergeant, "We did as you have instructed to secure all the exits, but he escaped through the entrance."


3) Deng Xiaoping is visiting the US. Tired of being shadowed by his entourage at all times, he decides to go for a walk on his own. This alarms his translators and bodyguards who fear that Mr. Deng will get into trouble since he does not speak any English. However, realizing that they cannot change his mind, they decide to at least prepare him in case he gets stopped by the police. "If you get stopped", they coached him, "they'll first ask for your surname and then they'll ask for your given name. Just tell them and everything will be fine". So Mr. Deng goes out and enjoys himself. A policeman recognizes him. Having heard that Mr. Deng prides himself in his knowledge of American history, he decides to start a conversation with an appropriate subject.
Policeman: Who was the first president of the U.S?

Mr. Deng: Wo xing Deng [我姓鄧: My surname is Deng]

Policeman: Yes, Washington. And what are you doing in the U.S?

Mr. Deng: Xiaoping [小平]

Policeman: Ah, shopping. Very good. Have nice day!.


4) Q: when did the army of israel march in underwears?

A: when they march out in triumph.


5) TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!


6) TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


7) SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.


8) Stupid Driver joke

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't believe?

Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." to which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! right away!" and rushed off to the showroom.

The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." to which Ali said, "Yes Sir, right away Sir." and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"

Ali replied, "You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home.... He got hand phone what, can just call up to check lah!!!!"

9) Mental problem joke

One day at the psychiatrists office, a short, fat man came in, stood in front of the desk and shouted at the psychiatrist 'HOI! Bow to me, lowly Chinese! I am General Yamashita! Hahahahaha ...' and the psychiatrist says 'What makes you think that you are General Yamashita?' and the man says 'Because God made me General Yamashita! Hahahahaha ... '

After counseling the man and convincing him he is NOT General Yamashita, the short fat man leaves happy and pleased. Before letting the next patient come in, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "Sir Winston Churchill, this is Lim Bo Seng. I have Yamashita's plans ...'"

10) Q: How do you address a Hokkien cow's parents?
A: Cow peh cow bu.