Unclassified

Employment

President of Un-united States of America

Pay: any amount
Working Hours: optional
Mortality Rate: 200%

Requirement: must be above 90 years old and plagued with life-threatening ailments such as acute heart failure or terminal cancer. Applicant must know nuts about governance. Being easily provoked into igniting world wars is an advantage.

Job Description: Fearing assassins dispatched from Allopia Spy School. Involving in scandals such as being in an affair in the Black House’s Polygon Office to give the media more scoops. Wasting taxpayers’ money on meaningless wars and expenses, increasing taxes for no reason and introducing unnecessary rules and regulations to make life hell for the citizens. Will need to work overtime occasionally to scheme nuclear wars and disbanding the Very United Nations.

Sadako’s Assistant

Pay: $10Million Hellnotes
Working Hours: Haunting Hours
Mortality Rate: 100%

Requirement: Must be a fan of Sadako and have watched The Ring and all of it sequels at least 20 times without being frightened to death

Job Description: helping Sadako in her Well-Crawling exercises. Organizing meet-the-fans sessions and arranging funerals when they all drop dead 1 week later. Assisting Sadako in calling up those who watched her cursed tape and arranging visa when Hungry Ghost month approaches. During the 7th lunar month, assistant is to help in propagating the spread and viewership of the cursed video tape. Lastly, job will include throwing Sadako back into the well if she refuses to go back after killing the victim or she decided to extend her stay on Freaktopia.

Property

Silent Hill Heights

Location: Really Silent Hill, NE continent of Freaktopia
Address: somewhere in Silent Hill (need to pass through the mirror to access)
Cost: negotiable

Description: Silent Hill Heights is the most ideal home for anyone seeking peace and quiet. Located in the friendly neighborhood littered with killer nurses and straitjackets prowling the streets, demonic possessed crows aiming for your eyes and jagular and having Pyramid Head and The Butcher for neighbors, what else can one ask for at Really Silent Hill?

Just a stone throw away from Silent Hill Heights is the Sanctuary where the demented old bats burnt poor Alessa to a wonderful crisp, but got themselves skewered when she summoned some hellspawn to do the dirty job for her. Charming isn’t it? But that’s not all, as the Alchemilla Hospital is 50 blocks away where the only treatments available are amputations and random organ removal.

Life at Silent Hill is full mortality as every now and then, you find yourself being plunged into the Normal World of Silent Hill where peace and tranquility will simply reduce one to a blithering idiot as fresh air and happiness are corrosive and lethal toxins to the deranged inhabitants of Silent Hill.
Buy now, move in and start your one-way sojourn to the Other Realm!

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Mimiko Bag

Afraid of losing your bag? Ladies, worry not! For the Mimiko bag is the fashion of this decaying season of Christmas. Made of cheap leather that is pained with ICI Dulux red paint and then a thick and generous layer of expired red lip gloss is painstaking applied by the manufacturer’s lips to give the Mimiko Bag its glossy and feel and look. The Mimiko Bag is one that will never separate itself from its owner, as it will always mysteriously appear out of nowhere despite being left behind, thrown away or incinerated.

With the Bottomless Pit technology incorporated into the crafting of the Mimiko Bag, it can accommodate anything from makeup kits to disposed husbands, tampons to emergency condoms (applicable to sluts, mamasans and Stephanie) and still weigh as light as feather. Of course, the bag comes with an additional function which will make girls squeal with absolute delight; the Recycle Bin. Using a Manicure Pen (a PDA pen which is designed as a jewel-encrusted fake nail), or Lip Stick (another PDA pen in the shape of a lipstick and is also a lipstick), the gal can access the main menu of the Mimiko Bag and select which items to trash.

Price: $80Billion (exclusive of 34598% tax on leather, 7% GST and $3Trillion for shipping and handling expenses)
Limited stock: 1 (one haunted bag is enough, can’t have too many as it infringed the immigration laws of the Other Realm)
Terms and Conditions: present your Meng Mei congee receipt to enjoy 1¢ off.

Reported by: Duck Medium