Unclassified

Recruitment

Teacher

Pay: $3000 per month
Working Hours: Irregular
Mortality Rate: 90%

Requirements: Must have failed PSLE 3 times. Police record for child abuse will be an additional advantage. Applicant MUST enjoy dishing out expulsions, threats, detentions and capital punishments for no reason.

Job Description: work in an enclosure that is teeming with madness and chaos. Face the endless challenge of chasing after homework that is completed in invisible ink and lying to parents and the education ministry on a daily basis for students who turn up ‘mysteriously’ permanently incapacitated, missing or dead.

Student

Pay: $50 per hour (addition of $100 for each teacher who died, quit or sacked)
Working Hours: 7.30am – 2.30pm
Mortality Rate: 80%

Requirements: applicants must be hopelessly stupid and do not know ABC and 123. Applicants of any age are eligible to apply. MUST be a chronic delinquent.

Job Description: break as many school rules and land into trouble as if there is no tomorrow. Job also includes driving teachers, parents and fellow students to their premature unemployment or expiry. Must complete assignments such as ‘causing the downfall of the education ministry’ or ‘razing the school to the ground’ in order to graduate.

Musician

Pay: $2 annually
Working Hours: extremely flexible

Requirements: Must know Do-Re-Mi and have played on a toy music set before.

Job Description: play horrible music to spoil the day for people and destroy a romantic ambience with funeral music. Job includes risks such as alley bashings and murder. Musicians are subjected to health risks such as exploded eardrums, broken fingers, insanity and delirium.

Lounge Hostess

Pay: $100000 (basic) + customer tips + commission
Working Hours: duration of Happy Hour

Requirements: applicant must have Degree in Practical Seduction (Honors). Runaway priestesses from the TFM sect are also welcome. Diploma holders in Social Leeching or Slut Studies will be considered on a case-by-case basis. Training will be provided for newbies.

Job Description: cheating D.O.M (Dirty Old Men) out of their retirement money. Rip huge holes in the pockets of poor executives by whining for new jewelry, clothes, bags, shoes, cosmetics and plastic surgery. Seduce faithful husbands and destroy their happy marriages. Infect as many as possible with AIDS, Gonorrhea, syphilis and Herpes.

Drug Lord

Pay: depend on the drug deal
Working hours: flexible and irregular

Requirements: Have played Drug Lord before. Must be incapable of differentiating ecstasy from Panadol pills and must have been arrested for at least 15 occasions by the Interpol. Drug addicts and prison inmates are eligible to apply.

Job Description: sampling drugs every day until you froth at the mouth. Giving orders to lackeys to carry out drug deals, interceptions and freeing other imprisoned mates from jail by bribing or killing the officers on duty. Basically live and behave like a mafia boss. An extremely fulfilling career for those who want to spread the joy and benefits of drug addictions to innocent kids and the entire world.

Property

Kayako’s House

Address: Kayako Street, 666th avenue, Kayako Apartments, #66-666
Cost: $600

Description: an absolutely delightful little apartment with a history of a jealous husband breaking the neck of his infidel wife, murdering his son and slaughtering the pet black cat. Located on the 66th floor, you will enjoy a breeze of badly-polluted air from the nearby crematorium and incineration plant, together with a 100% death if you fall off while cleaning your windows or bring the laundry out to dry. With a high residential turnover of 99% everyday arising from exploding houses to bathtub drownings, your stay will always keep you healthily paranoid and spooked, for life will never be the same again. Here at Kayako Apartments, you will never be alone as the spirit of Kayako will always be with you, every time, everywhere. Amen.

(next issue will feature Haunted Mansion and awesome properties from Silent Hill, so do continue to subscribe to the Freakstimes)

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Mysterious Cassette Tape

This mysterious cassette tape is a documentary featuring a well and a woman crawling out of the well painfully at a snail-pace. But somehow, none of the previous owners are able to survive for more than a week after watching the tape. Copies in VCD and DVD are out in all major video rental shops. Grab one today!

Cost: $18.99-VCD, $56.00-DVD, $10-pirated version
Note: death is guaranteed regardless of which version you purchase and watch. Video is rated G by the Media Disaster Authority of Freaktopia.

Essence of Stephanie

The essence of Stephanie is obtained by roasting Stephanie lowly over the fire until the sweat and oil are secreted in great volumes. The fluids are then mixed with leech, vampire bats, mosquitoes, TFM acid, nail varnish and liquefied aborted babies via titration, and then the pure essence is obtained via distillation using the SSW Immortal Fractionating Column™ and True Samadhi Fire™ (stolen from the Immortal’s lab). This rare Essence of Stephanie will grant the user the characteristic, looks and figure of the Stephanie, as well as the legendary leeching ability that nearly sucked the Princess Mutabak into irrecoverable poverty.

Cost: $9999999999999999999999 (exclusive of 3000%GST and additional costs)
Terms and Condition: customer must present TFM sect membership card.
Warning: Freaktopia have banned the production, sale and use of the product. Violation of the rules will result in execution and clan extermination. All implicated parties will be decimated in the process.

Reported by Duck Medium