Skeleton Key to unlock the Goldilock

Due to the overwhelming success of Goldilocks’ security products, Dr Lala Cloth’s Tomb Raider International is facing a drastic, dramatic and disastrous fall in business as homes, banks and tombs remain impossible to raid. Having experienced a high employment turnover rate of 500% due to the workers being finished off by the Goldilocks systems, Tomb Raider International is nearly bankrupt from having to pay the bills for dry cleaning, state funerals, corpse disposal and permanent disability claims. Desperate, Dr Lala Cloth decided to collaborate with the notorious key-siao Prof. Kiki Key to produce a new range of gadgets that are completely incapable of opening a drawer cabinet.

The Skeleton Key

This skeleton key was designed to open any lock in the house. Chicken bones, fish bones, 5 packets of Milo powder and an expired tin of Anlene Hi-calcium milk powder are added in a secret and precise ratio to a molten alloy obtained from rusty keys and recycled drink cans. It is then fashioned into the shape of a skeleton and sent (by DHL) to the godforsaken TFM shrine, where it is cursed to bring extreme bad luck to any keyhole it is placed in. However, due to a mistake in the cursing, only anorexic or malnourished people are able to wield the deathly-thin skeleton key. Anyone else who uses the key will be haunted by a combination of The Stephanie and Whiskie until they are bankrupt or gone key-siao by the demonic duo’s never-ending whining and leeching.

Cost: $0.90 inclusive of 200% GST

Terms and conditions:
1. Customer must have either fallen victim to the TFM or Stephanie.

2. Customer must give 100% of the loot obtained to Tomb Raider International. If not, Dr Lala Cloth will personally empty your house and bank account. All additional charges and expenses are to be footed by the customer.

3. Tomb Raider International will not be responsible for any loss of life, limb or sanity due to the side effects of the product (have side effects, but purposely omitted) or activation of any Goldilocks’ security systems.

4. 100% failure guarantee. Use at your own risk.

Reported by Duck Medium