Duck Medium's Wisdom Part II

Here are more of Duck Medium's wisdom accumulated over the 2 decades it had spent in the alternate dimension of Seran Goon Senior College. They are not merely pretty words but also survival tips on how to stayin'alive(a song by Bee Gees that almost drive the Duck Medium to a deeper state of insanity) in the peaceful world of Freaktopia. Some of these are actually e-mails from fiends of mine from that concrete hell called a school.

• I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
• I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
• I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.
• I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
• I no longer shop in a mall since trying out clothes risk a hidden camera or double-sided mirror.
• I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
• I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
• I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
• I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule away from being plastic.
• I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
• I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
• I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
• I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

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Here are some mathematical equations that can finally be applied in real life, unlike those rubblish we learnt from boring, dusty and mouldy textbooks taught by old maids.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

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OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item she doesn't need.
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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man

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HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot & love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all

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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die

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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, & she does.

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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs & cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.