Imperial Edict

ROYAL DECREE

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By the order of the Royal Princess Mutabak, all those people who deem FreaksTimes as a whole lot bunch of crap are henceforth banned from FreaksTimes. Here, at FreaksTimes, we write freaky things, if anybody or anything dare to even say our posts are nonsense, then we advise you to gouge out your own eyes before we do so with a spade. Any anonymous people, objects or supernatural beings who had the audacity to say or type shit about FreaksTimes will be killed by the Al-Gebra Terrorists' weapons of Math Reduction.

Gothic Chick a.k.a The Mummified One or the Barren Baroness is banned because of her crime of treachery and unforgivable betrayal of the Freaks by colluding with the evil and notorious High Priestess of the TFM Sect. She had also sponged off precious financial resources from Princess Mutabak, The Seer and the Duck Medium, leaving them in huge financial crisises. That evil entity had also kept several priceless editions of FreaksTimes. Hence, the High Freak Council had decided to boot her out of the society permanently.

Nisha and Sheena are also banned from the FreaksTimes because of their failure to contribute any article or even the slightest idea to FreaksTimes after being requested by the Duck Medium countless of times. They had also violated the strictest rule of Hidden Identity. Miss Sheena had used her own name instead of a nickname. They are hence banned and exiled to Africa via a cardboard box to float them there. Miss Sheena had also threatened to gatecrash the Freak's sacred potluck party, The Freaks shall met out the lightest punishment of tongue and limbs amputation, followed by whipping and burn torture.

Because of Duck Medium's irresponsible action of introducing such characters to FreaksTimes, he is hence fined $0.10 and punished by being a kitchen help to the Critter Connoisseur Whiskie.

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posted by the royal scribe of the Mutabak Palace

HEADLICE !!!!!!!!!

TSUNAMI NAMI SUED BY WORLD COURT FOR CAUSING THE DEADLY AND DESTRUCTIVE TSUNAMIS

-We flood the news for you-

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Famous pop singer of the Land Of The Sinking Sun, Tsunami Nami , a rare talent with the one-in-a zillion vocal chords of a sore throat Jigglypuff, held a concert offshore of the town of Cape of Bad Hope. Her piercing voice had caused several Ah Peks at the concert and in the vincinity to have heart attack, and her unimaginablely high "C" caused every window and eardrums to explode, shatter and bleed within a radius of 15km. Thanks to a backstage crew membr who accidentally spilled his Earthworm Ramen, causing the amplifier to shortcircuit and amplify the high C by many many folds. 

However the shockwave produced by the fortunate accident had also spread to the sea. Small tsunamis with a short height of only 60 stories high, populated the sea for 30 days. Thus giving the town the name , Cape of Bad Hope , as no one ever have any good hope or sense of escaping the killer waves. These cute little waves simply do their jobs by sinking ships, drowning peolple and causing panic, pandemonium, chaos and mayhem. A nearby town called the Cape of No Hope reported a tsunami had flung a Giant Giant Squid onto the town, crushing the Mayor and several reporters to death. The Duck Medium was called to excorise the very big seafood to appease the departed souls and the townspeople.

Besides those, the tsunamis had also spread to other countries, resulting in the Mortal Realm being seriously underpopulated and the Other Realm is suffering from overcrowding. Much to Sinkapula's delight, the tsunami had finally caused the sinking city to sink even furthur, putting it on par with Atlantis (8188km under sea level). However, Africa's Sahara Desert is flooded, causing it to become the Sahara Mudland and the inhabitants have to switch from selling quicksand to Mudshakes. The Amazing Forest is also submerged under the waters, causing many animals and critters to travel about in submarines supplied by the Very United Nations. 

Because of all the damage, deaths, injuries and etc caused by Tsunami's high C, she is sued by the World Court by the Other realm and the Very United Nations. She is currently unavailable for comments as she is locked in a sound proof room and her bail is set on fifty cents, where here manager is currently spotted on the streets begging, trying to raise funds to bail the superstar. 

-----------by duck medium

Freakettes' Profiles

About Virtual Cop and Genee-In-A-Bottle

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Hello! We are Virtual Cop and Genee-In -A-Bottle, the brother-sister team in the Freaks Society. As cousins of Bubbly Millionheiress and Animal Instinct, we were invited to join Freakstimes by Bubbly Millionheiress. So we and Animal Instinct joined Freakstimes on X'mas day! So far, we have never felt left out by the rest of the members though we are much younger than the rest! Here's little snippets of info about us:

VIRTUAL COP

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I'm a 14 year old guy, sorry, Freak, living in the East Wing of the sprawling Mutabak Palace. I love to play soccer, X-Box and go out for movies with my sister, Genee-In-A-Bottle and my 2 cousins, Animal Instinct and Bubbly Millionheiress.My favourite subject is English. I like to read lots of books and I also like to go to K-Box with my fellow freaky cousins!

GENEE-IN-A-BOTTLE

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Hi! I'm a 10 year old girl Freak, I live in the East Wing of Mutabak Palace with my elder brother, Virtual Cop. My hobbies are to play witmy brother, go out with my two cousins, Animal Instinct and Bubbly Millionheiress.My favourite actresses are Asin and Sada, in the Tamil cinema. I like Sada cos of Bubbly Millionheiress. Now I like Gillian Chung, thanks to Bubbly Millionheiress again! She's pretty, isn't it? Well, I also like to go to K-box with my brother and cousins. That's about it!

We are pondering on our Weekly Column, so we'll post again very soon! Thanx for your time!

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By Virtual Cop and Genee-In-A-Bottle with help from Bubbly Millionheiress

Gadget Shop

i-Card
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The I-card is made of a special kind of plastic material that will give it the sharp edge of a knife, high thermal and electrical resistance and the ability not to break when sat on or bent. Thanks to Morphin' Technology of Power Rangers Corp. , I-card possess the ability to shape-shift into any knid of cards like bus card, phone card, library card, credit card, driver licence card, identification, security card.....any kind of card literally, even busniness cards(just remember to take it back before it detonates, you will know the reason later)!! A Personality Curse, a curse from Bala Stella School, enable the card to have the particulars, characteristics, habits and memories of the owner, as well as the ability to read the mind of the owner so that it will know what card the user needs. The curse also acts as a sercurity device, when it is stolen or used by unauthorised people, it will immediately self-destruct with the force of 5 nuclear bombs. This is to save the user from unneccessary troubles of finding it and reporting its loss. A free replacement will be given. A Top-UP machine will be given free for each purchase of the I-card, so as to enable the user to top up money into the card. Thanks to Wite-Lie technology, the card is able to lie about the particulars of the owner without detection, bestowing the user with uncanny convinence.

cost: $655.30
terms and condition: must be Abonis member, Starcup user ,must have at least 1 Bokia phone and applicant must be a student of disastrous record
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Hairdusa's Hair Gel
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Made from the very essence of Hairdusa herself, the hair gel is also much sought after by students, especially bimbos, Ah Lians, Ah Bengs, vainpots and peacocks. Upon applying the hair gel, you will feel the most pleasant tingling senation on your scalp and the next thing you know, your hair are hissing and writhing! Isn't that amazing? This is because Ayomi Hanasaki had prophesized that in the year 2006, the Medusa hairdo will be in fashion, hence the product. Female students in Assination Course will be able to use this product to scare all the lights out of their targets. Besides that, the hair gel will also help to weaken the hair roots, making sure they fall out by 2007, where going bald is the coolest thing in school. Guys can style their armpit air and leg hair into lethal spikey hairdo.

cost: $14.65
warning: people with sensitive scalp are advised not to use the product as it will cause the hair to mutate into evil hair, which will promptly stangle you to death. or simply speed up the hair growth process so fast that it make you look like a hairy princess. use at your own peril.
any loss of life or reputation is entirely your own fault
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Leather Gloves
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These leather gloves not only add to the cool factor of any student, but it also posess a whole lot of uses that will benefit the student populace. The common uses of the leather gloves is not to leave any fingerprints behind after a murder/assassination assignment or used as a wall climbing equipment. However, with the combined expertises of both Allopia and Bala Stella, the leather gloves are now endowed with new functions. With Intel technology and Common Sense Enchantments, the gloves will be able to absorb information from textbooks due to sensors on the fingers and palm, thus helping the owner to write the correct answers during exams. armed with anti-theft device, the gloves will strangle anyone to unconsciousness who tries to steal it, leaving the scum to the owner's disposal. New owners can also choose to install the latest Walk-a-ton program into the Leather Gloves. This new program will enable the gloves to locate their masters when they are stolen, misplaced or left at home, they will then walk on their fingers at the speed of 15Km/h to reunite with their owners.

cost: $52.00
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Olympic Torch
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Made of 100% unbreakable plaster-of-paris. This torch do not require any batteries, all it needs is a lighted match or it to work, no fuel is needed. Just swing it around to hit anyone into coma or permanent brain damage, better still, death. use the hot flame to burn away any evidence of murder, undone homework or poor report cards. a must for must students flunking class or being stalked.

cost: $3.50 plus 1 free match stick
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Day-dream Pills 

(No two dreams are ever the same)
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pop one pill into your mouth and wash it down with a bit of DEF Beer, and enter a state of enjoyment and fun, far away from the boring and endless droning of educators. with day-dream pills, stuents will never need to resort to occupy themselves with comics and storybooks hidden under textbooks, SMS under the desks, whisper converations or even play hangman with friends under the teacher's snouts. Day-dream pills will ensure you enjoy a full and uninterrupted daydream to help you cope with the most boring lessons. Each pill will last for an entire period of 45 minutes, students are advised to adjust the dosage of pills according to the length of the lesson. As result of earlier failures, the day-dream pill is now improved to give students an attentive and alert look to avoid detection. however students are advised not to overdose as it will result in permanent sleep, only to be awaken by a wet kiss from the Sushi ho/Maureen Saw/Immortal Sia or wake up 65 years later. students are to take note that the different colours of the pills indicate different daydreams to give consumers a wide variety of entertaining dreams.

Note:Pills may work differently for different people depending on their reactions to such substances. some may experience mild drooling, hooded eyelids, lolling heads or exhibit other symptoms of day dreaming which will endanger students. For anti-failure please consult the Doctor before purchasing. Use at your own time

Cost: $8.99 per bottle of 15 pills
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Parasonic Ear Plug and spectacles
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These two products when used together, they are known as the new 5th generation of hi-tec entertainment. The ear plugs are little black orbs that can fit into any ear, which will turn invisible when in use to avoid detection. The spectacles are also very unique as they look like any ordinary glasses to anybody or teacher. The user have to touch the right side of the glasses to activate the TV/Movie program. The left of the glasses will cause the channels to change. The spectacles are made friendly eye so that it will not damage the sight of the user. The ear plugs have Dorby Surround soundblasters to provide you with the maximum enjoyment during classes, only you can hear the sound but not others. The lenses of the spec are also solar cells, so no electricity or battery is needed. The spec can also be used as an ordinary glasses.
This product is able to do Inthenet surfing to enable you to watch MTVs online. It can also have access to all Tv channels on both the Mortal Realm and the Other Realm as well as other dimensions and planets. This product will provide you with hours of fun and entertainment, without you resorting to day dreaming, although it is a very expensive alternative to kill time

Cost: $1655.23
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Duck Medium

The Furniture Shop

The Furniture Shop is simpy the place all people will go to purchase their furnitures and home accessories. The shop have all kinds of items to make any cave, swamp, haunted house or any other homes a touch of the paranormal and incompletion. Check out the Furnitures.

Note: All wooden furnitures are made from haunted woods. Other matherials are either cursed, left to rot or specially pulverised to suit the interior deco.
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Spider Wardrobe
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A wooden wooden wardrobe made of 50 year old haunted wood from the trees of Bala Stella School. This wardrobe is carved into the shape of a tarantula by Magaret Tarantula, using the Maureen Saw. The wardrobe will automatically shower anyone ,who opens the doors, with all kinds of spiders. Please do not worry about the wardrobe running out of spiders because the curse laid by Miss Magaret Tarantula will automatically produce endless waves of spiders and tarantulas within your wardrobe to keep your clothes safe from moths and other clothes-eating critters. Just remember to pluck the 8 legged thingies out of your clothes before you wear them. This piece of furniture will be the greatest item in any critter lover's collection.

Note: suitable for people who use spiders in cooking, potion making or spell casting. recommended for people who have extreme phobia of spiders to help them to die of fright. Not suitable for couples who have children, for fear of kids eating and choking on the spiders.

cost: $423.09
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The Mirror
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Note:Cursed. claimed the lives of 23 vainpots, 8 bimbos, 5 sluts, 13 bitches and 12 models

disclaimer:look at your own risk.

A mirror deliberately shattered into 7 pieces with a sledgehammer to curse it with purest bad luck and misfortune to bestow onto the lucky owner of this piece of art. The broken mirror is then later cursed by the evil stepmother of Snow White, to tell the user how ugly he/she looks. The mirror also possesses a little bit of the charateristics of the wicked witch, so that the user can argue with with mirror when bored at home, or else one can practice a presentation infront of it and be rewarded with the snidest remarks and acidic insults. This accessory come in hand-held, hang-on-the-wall and full length size. However, this product is not suitable for vain people as the mirror will drive them insane or to death within 1 day.

Cost: price is negotiable. price should be around $239.56. bargain
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Snow White's Four Poster Bed
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The very bed where a ditched Snow White committed suicide by suffocating herself to death with a NTUC plastic bag tied over her head, when she failed to die after drinking Dettol, Dynamo, Mama Lemon and bleach. This cursed and exotic bed is much sought after by bed lovers. This exquisite bed is made of rotten wood polished with car wax to perfect shinyness, togther with swear words carved under the bed, but with an ancient inscription carved onto the head of the bed by Snow White using her fingernails. All the previous occupants have recommended others to buy this bed as you will feel a pleasant strangling sensation around the neck or sometime feel the pains of physical abuse when the spirit is feeling cranky.

Cost: $755.66
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Mrs. Koh's Chopping Board.
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Made from the wood of the famous execution block of King Louis who used it to decapitate his wives. This chopping board was used by Mrs. Koh, the famous student murderess, to slice, dice, chop, hack, cut, slash, stab and skewer her student victims, although the chopping board was used on weekends to chop vegetables and chicken. Fortunately, Mrs. koh met her demise at her favourite chopping board when she fell asleep, chopping herself to death without her knowing. This antique will make a fine addition to any kitchen, giving it the menacing aura of a slaughterhouse. Using this chopping board, the user will never miss the targeted mark on any living thing placed on it. The spirit haunting the board will ensure 100% accuracy and 100% destruction of the thing placed on it.

Cost: $29.00
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Rocking Chair
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This rocking chair of unknown origin just appeared suddenly infront of the shop. It seems like the chair rocked itself to the shop. After a round of interrogation with the chair, it seems like the chair is eager to have new victims. And so we, being the good souls, placed the rocking chair on sale. This rocking chair is carved from a rare species of haunted haunted wood from the Very Haunted Woods. This wonderful chair had rocked 6 people out of the chair with a powerful force tht send them flying straight out of their windows, causing them to smash into nearby buildings or trees, or simply slide onto the road and et steamrollered by rampaging vehicles. we guarantee death or permanent disability within 4 days of purchase or we refund $0.10 back to you.

Cost: $97.50