tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1743630691598299782023-11-16T02:53:50.389-08:00The New FreakstimesUrban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.comBlogger122125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-22181045903159442532013-06-19T23:39:00.000-07:002013-06-19T23:39:06.538-07:00Haze Descends On Freaktopia<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Freaktopia,
Freaktopia – Recently, there is a thick suffocating blanket of asthma-inducing
haze enveloping the realm of Freaktopia. The innocent smog does absolutely
nothing except for causing traffic accidents to pop up like a fungus infection,
cause the Freaktopian inhabitants (humans and non-humans, alive and dead alike)
to drop dead like flies being sprayed with a healthy dose of Baygone and flood
the newspapers with thoroughly useless reports on the current obstinate
atmospheric condition that is determined to stay for the next few millennia and
add itself to the ever-increasing problems and woes of Freaktopia.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">As the haze
continues to exist, the Health and Death Ministry is experiencing a huge spike
in its citizens dropping like flies, spontaneously combusting and being flung
5km after being hit by speeding vehicles and splattering all over the roads.
”The haze is simply terrible, you know?!” demanded an irate Mutabakian whom was
smoking literally at the ears. “I cannot even see who I am talking to and
whenever I hear voices, I thought I going insane because I am talking to an
invisible person,” said the Mutabakian to herself before spontaneously
combusting to a delightful crisp. The High Commissioner of the Mutabakian
Police Force had declared that the entire force will be on break until the haze
moves to another dimension, until then, citizens are encouraged to take legal
matters into their hands. Also, the executioner will be away on annual leave.
Much as the haze is posing plenty of physical and mental health issues to
law-abiding Freaktopians, the thick and impenetrable smog is good news to those
who are planning break-ins, smugglings, heists and murder or simply getting
away scot-free after mowing down a crowd of kindergarten brats playing in the
middle of the highway. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Nobody know
how the haze came about as it literally appeared out of Nowhere (a new
dimension that is currently being explored by physicists at the Royal Urban
University of Mutabak (RUUM), Unknown University (UU) and Allopia Spy School
(ASS)) and settled over the infinitely vast multiverse of Freaktopia, as though
it is a sentient being and had arrived at the conclusion that this is the
perfect place for a permanent residence. This is the official answer issued
unanimously by the three most prestigious educational institutions in
Freaktopia. However, the inhabitants are unsatisfied by such “boring and
brainlessly politically correct statements” and that they are beginning to dig
into matter (armed with teaspoons, spatulas and beach spades). “I am certain the
haze is caused by the ongoing war between Fiji and Veggiepura with the former
burning swathes<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>of farmlands, vegetable
crops, plantations and citizens, while the latter is retaliating with firing of
chili bombs, catapulting of gigantic pumpkins, hurling of exploding watermelons
and arcane summoning of killer beanstalks,” said a Mutabakian sagely. Yet
again, not all Freaktopians share the same sentiments. One believed that the
haze might be due to the Urban Geek’s summoning ritual going awry and her
flaming Ifrit is happily hurling hellfire everywhere and anywhere. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">In her
defence, the Urban Geek, aka Royal High Summoner, stated she had not been
conducting any summoning rituals and the hot weather is certainly not conducive
for summoning a Fire-type Aeon since the summoner is likely to faint and die
from heatstroke before the Aeon could be successfully summoned. When fingers
are pointed in the direction of the Duck Medium, whom is well-known for
conducting numerous forbidden rituals, the medium was discovered to be silently
slitting open several teddy bears and muttering prayers in the dark. Meanwhile,
the Princess of Mutabak is unavailable for comments and is believed to be on an
incognito tour of the scenic environs of Mount Pra. </span></span></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-29557427089766491982013-06-19T23:37:00.001-07:002013-06-19T23:37:36.569-07:00Duck Medium's Wisdom Part II<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Here are more of Duck Medium's wisdom accumulated over the 2
decades it had spent in the alternate dimension of Seran Goon Senior College.
They are not merely pretty words but also survival tips on how to
stayin'alive(a song by Bee Gees that almost drive the Duck Medium to a deeper
state of insanity) in the peaceful world of Freaktopia. Some of these are
actually e-mails from fiends of mine from that concrete hell called a school.</span></span></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will
get sick from the rat faeces and urine.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I no longer date the opposite sex because they will
take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I no longer shop in a mall since trying out clothes
risk a hidden camera or double-sided mirror.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it
causes cancer. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because
I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I no longer use margarine because it's one molecule
away from being plastic.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell
with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.</span></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Here are some mathematical equations
that can finally be applied in real life, unlike those rubblish we learnt from
boring, dusty and mouldy textbooks taught by old maids.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">ROMANCE MATHEMATICS</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Smart man + smart woman = romance</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Smart man + dumb woman = affair</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Dumb man + smart woman = marriage</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">OFFICE ARITHMETIC</span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Smart boss + smart employee = profit</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Smart boss + dumb employee =
production</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Dumb boss + smart employee =
promotion</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">SHOPPING MATH</span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he
needs.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item
she doesn't need.<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS</span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A woman worries about the future
until she gets a husband.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A man never worries about the future
until he gets a wife.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A successful man is one who makes
more money than his wife can spend.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A successful woman is one who can
find such a man</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<b>
</b><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><b>HAPPINESS</b> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">To be happy with a man, you must
understand him a lot & love him a little.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">To be happy with a woman, you must
love her a lot & not try to understand her at all</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<b>
</b><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><b>LONGEVITY</b> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Married men live longer than single
men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">PROPENSITY TO CHANGE</span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A woman marries a man expecting he
will change, but he doesn't.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A man marries a woman expecting she
won't change, & she does. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE</span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A woman has the last word in any
argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU
ABOUT GETTING MARRIED</span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Old aunts used to come up to me at
weddings, poking me in the ribs & cackling, telling me, "You're
next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals. </span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-18459971998041566102013-06-19T23:36:00.003-07:002013-06-19T23:36:38.090-07:00Duck Medium's wisdom <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Here are some quotes sent to me by some good friends of mine
in college. These little bits of wisdom had helped me through my most peaceful
times by inviting trouble. I really never knew such knowledge ever exist! Had I
been aware of them much earlier, my life will naow be full of blissful chaos,
beautiful mayhem, comforting paranoia and soothing pandemonium. Enjoy!!</span></span></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Arguing with your Boss is like wrestling with a pig in
mud. After a while you realize that while you are getting dirty, the pig
is actually enjoying it. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember
you when he is in trouble again. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong
answers.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it
creative problem solving. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Behind every successful woman, is a man who is
surprised. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know
where to shop. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again,
neither does milk. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Most people are only alive because it is illegal to
shoot them. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I'm not a complete idiot, there're still some parts
missing! </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Forgive your enemies but remember their names </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The number of people watching you is directly
proportional to the stupidity of your action. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a
piece of my finger to my father. * He said he wanted more proof. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Some pain is physical and some is mental, but one
that's both is dental. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition
that's troublesome </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For the husband who snores all night, because he is at
home asleep with me and not with someone else.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For my teenage daughter who is complaining about doing
dishes, because that means she is at home & not on the streets.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For the taxes that I pay because it means that I am
employed.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For the mess to clean after a party because it means
that I have been surrounded by friends.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For the clothes that fit a little too snug because it
means I have enough to eat. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For my shadow that watches me work because it means I
am out in the sunshine.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For a floor that needs mopping, and windows that need
cleaning because it means I have a home.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For all the complaining I hear about the government
because itmeans that we have freedom of speech.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For the parking spot I find at the far end of the
parking lot because it means I am capable of walking and that I have been
blessed with transportation.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For the noise I have to bear from my neighbours because
it means that I can hear.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For the pile of laundry and ironing because it means I
have clothes to wear.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For weariness and aching muscles at the end of the day
because it means I have been capable of working hard.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For the alarm that goes off in the early morning hours
because it means that I am stilll alive.</span></span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------by Duck Medium</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-29029423391028999892013-06-19T23:36:00.001-07:002013-06-19T23:36:18.520-07:00AUCTION HOUSE <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0cm;
mso-para-margin-right:0cm;
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 3;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">address: Mortal Realm, Freaktopia, Phua Kang Road back
alley. $15 admission fees required<br />
<br />
things to take note:<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div>
<ul type="disc"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">no police personnel allowed into the premises or risk
being sued by us</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">no stealing is allowed. </span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">customers are reminded to bring enough cash or risk
being thrown out.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">credit card, Other Realm Money(unless you are a OR
citizen), cheque and fake money are not allowed to be used.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">pay first before you buy.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">no refund for damaged items.</span></span></li>
<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">self-service. </span></span></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Motto: we steal. we sell. we earn. you pay<br />
<br />
Today's Special: Selling rare items stolen from the Mutabak Palace.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Items</span></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">--------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">1. Whiskie</span></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A completely and hopelessly insane
lifeform inhabiting the backyard of the Mutabak Palace, killing innocent
cockroaches and lizards. Whiskie is the the owner of the famous Critters
Connoisseur Catering Company. This living organism had almost driven the royal
inhabitants of the Mutabak Palace insane with its never-ending-190decibels
whining. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Disclaimer: purchase at the risk of
your own sanity and eardrums. This living thing cannot be killed, tortured,
trained or given away, due to a curse placed by Queen Mutabak</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">cost:$0.10 </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2. FISH
DEN</span></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">An evil entity cursed by the Duck
Medium as Sinful. This item is filled to the brim with extra-concentrated
sulphuric acid, with poisonous arrowanas and piranhas living within it. A
neccessity for a household with too many family members. Don't bother cleaning
the tank as the inhabitants are clean eaters and the acid will do the cleaning,
just remember to feed it a owner per day to keep it happy. The food must be
below 40 years old, free from STDs and not under-nourished. Overweight applicants
are welcomed with open jaws.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Cost: $39.90</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">3.PRINCESS
MUTABAK'S BICYCLE</span></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The powder blue bicycle is a
favourite toy of the Mutabak Princess and it cannot bear to be parted with its
owner. The vehicle is enchanted by the living breath of the Princess, causing
it to come to life on every weekend. The enchantment will cause the bike and
its rider to crash into speeding trucks, trees or lamp posts at breakbones
speed, after one week of ownership.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Warning: This bicycle has caused the
death of three people and the loss of several limbs, as well as causing major
car accidents, extensive property and environmental damage.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Cost: $119.70</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">4.GRIMOIRE</span></span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">---------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">This ancient and dusty tome is
filled with all kinds of spells, enchantments and curses accumulated by the Mutabak
ancestors. The Grimoire is also filled with all kinds of knowledge,
information, dicoveries, researches and studies ranging from astronomy to
zoology. However, this moth-eaten book is still sought after by many people,
especially the TFM sect and the Gory Chick who will use the book to transform
Freaktopia into their own evil perverted playground. Be warned! This book will
always automatically update itself by growing new pages and writing in them. It
may sometime fill itself with useful rumours, gossips, paparazzi news or the
darkest secrets of others. Please use the information for your own selfish
monetary benefit via blackmailing!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Caution: the book will occassionally
write the owner's secrets into its pages. owners are warned that the book is
allergic to correction fluid, and do not try tearing the pages out unless you
want to be cursed or crushed by the heavy book.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Cost: please negotiate with Animal
Instinct. addition of $85 will be charged for cleaning services and furthur
$100 will be charged for using an amoured truck to transport the 1 tonne
Grimoire.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">5.QUEEN
MUTABAK'S SEWING MACHINE</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">----------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A 17th century antique thrown out of
the 17th story window by the Queen Mutabak, because it tried to sew her fingers
together, into the backyard of the Mutabak Palace missing Whiskie's head by
0.01 mm. This sewing machine is able to through anything because the sewing needle
is made form a fragment of the Maureen Saw. A treasure fit of any seamstress.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Cost: $87.65</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">note: any loss of limbs, life or
property damage are your own problems. No blaming is allowed. New owners are
advised to top up your existing insurances or else face the consequences.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">6.SOFT TOY
CABINET</span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-----------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A wooden cabinet made of Very
Haunted Wood, is bursting with stuffed toys. Every Spring, for 15 days, these
toys escape from the cabinet to wreck havoc in the house by cursing the
inhabitants with loads of bad luck, wrecking furniture, creating mayhem,
spreading disease and pandemonium, encouraging children to create chaos and
inducing paranoia in adults. Children are advised not to play with the Barbie
Dolls as they re infected with AIDS.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Disclaimer:owners are told to keep
your problems to yourselves, do not let them out of the house. Free cabinet
window replacement for 1 day. Do not give away any or bring any soft toy out of
the house or risk being arrested for disturbing social peace.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Cost: $99.99, after 1 cent discount</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">by Duck Medium</span></span></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-6652851871694047312013-06-19T23:35:00.001-07:002013-06-19T23:35:32.935-07:00Imperial Edict <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">ROYAL
DECREE</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-------------------------</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">By the
order of the Royal Princess Mutabak, all those people who deem FreaksTimes as a
whole lot bunch of crap are henceforth banned from FreaksTimes. Here, at
FreaksTimes, we write freaky things, if anybody or anything dare to even say
our posts are nonsense, then we advise you to gouge out your own eyes before we
do so with a spade. Any anonymous people, objects or supernatural beings who
had the audacity to say or type shit about FreaksTimes will be killed by the
Al-Gebra Terrorists' weapons of Math Reduction.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Gothic
Chick a.k.a The Mummified One or the Barren Baroness is banned because of her
crime of treachery and unforgivable betrayal of the Freaks by colluding with
the evil and notorious High Priestess of the TFM Sect. She had also sponged off
precious financial resources from Princess Mutabak, The Seer and the Duck
Medium, leaving them in huge financial crisises. That evil entity had also kept
several priceless editions of FreaksTimes. Hence, the High Freak Council had
decided to boot her out of the society permanently.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Nisha and
Sheena are also banned from the FreaksTimes because of their failure to
contribute any article or even the slightest idea to FreaksTimes after being
requested by the Duck Medium countless of times. They had also violated the
strictest rule of Hidden Identity. Miss Sheena had used her own name instead of
a nickname. They are hence banned and exiled to Africa via a cardboard box to
float them there. Miss Sheena had also threatened to gatecrash the Freak's
sacred potluck party, The Freaks shall met out the lightest punishment of
tongue and limbs amputation, followed by whipping and burn torture.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Because of
Duck Medium's irresponsible action of introducing such characters to
FreaksTimes, he is hence fined $0.10 and punished by being a kitchen help to
the Critter Connoisseur Whiskie.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">---</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">posted by
the royal scribe of the Mutabak Palace</span></span></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-5396341558632633032013-06-19T23:34:00.006-07:002013-06-19T23:34:51.082-07:00HEADLICE !!!!!!!!! <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span></span></b></div>
<b>
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<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">TSUNAMI
NAMI SUED BY WORLD COURT FOR CAUSING THE DEADLY AND DESTRUCTIVE TSUNAMIS</span></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-We flood
the news for you-</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Famous pop singer of the Land Of The
Sinking Sun, Tsunami Nami , a rare talent with the one-in-a zillion vocal
chords of a sore throat Jigglypuff, held a concert offshore of the town of Cape
of Bad Hope. Her piercing voice had caused several Ah Peks at the concert and
in the vincinity to have heart attack, and her unimaginablely high
"C" caused every window and eardrums to explode, shatter and bleed
within a radius of 15km. Thanks to a backstage crew membr who accidentally
spilled his Earthworm Ramen, causing the amplifier to shortcircuit and amplify
the high C by many many folds. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">However the shockwave produced by
the fortunate accident had also spread to the sea. Small tsunamis with a short
height of only 60 stories high, populated the sea for 30 days. Thus giving the
town the name , Cape of Bad Hope , as no one ever have any good hope or sense
of escaping the killer waves. These cute little waves simply do their jobs by sinking
ships, drowning peolple and causing panic, pandemonium, chaos and mayhem. A
nearby town called the Cape of No Hope reported a tsunami had flung a Giant
Giant Squid onto the town, crushing the Mayor and several reporters to death.
The Duck Medium was called to excorise the very big seafood to appease the
departed souls and the townspeople.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Besides those, the tsunamis had also
spread to other countries, resulting in the Mortal Realm being seriously
underpopulated and the Other Realm is suffering from overcrowding. Much to
Sinkapula's delight, the tsunami had finally caused the sinking city to sink
even furthur, putting it on par with Atlantis (8188km under sea level).
However, Africa's Sahara Desert is flooded, causing it to become the Sahara
Mudland and the inhabitants have to switch from selling quicksand to Mudshakes.
The Amazing Forest is also submerged under the waters, causing many animals and
critters to travel about in submarines supplied by the Very United Nations. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Because of all the damage, deaths,
injuries and etc caused by Tsunami's high C, she is sued by the World Court by
the Other realm and the Very United Nations. She is currently unavailable for
comments as she is locked in a sound proof room and her bail is set on fifty
cents, where here manager is currently spotted on the streets begging, trying
to raise funds to bail the superstar. </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-----------by duck medium</span></span></div>
<br />
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Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-26097707559108494812013-06-19T23:34:00.002-07:002013-06-19T23:34:12.052-07:00Freakettes' Profiles <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">About
Virtual Cop and Genee-In-A-Bottle</span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Hello! We are Virtual Cop and Genee-In
-A-Bottle, the brother-sister team in the Freaks Society. As cousins of Bubbly
Millionheiress and Animal Instinct, we were invited to join Freakstimes by
Bubbly Millionheiress. So we and Animal Instinct joined Freakstimes on X'mas
day! So far, we have never felt left out by the rest of the members though we
are much younger than the rest! Here's little snippets of info about us:</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">VIRTUAL
COP</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">--------------------</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I'm a 14
year old guy, sorry, Freak, living in the East Wing of the sprawling Mutabak
Palace. I love to play soccer, X-Box and go out for movies with my sister,
Genee-In-A-Bottle and my 2 cousins, Animal Instinct and Bubbly
Millionheiress.My favourite subject is English. I like to read lots of books
and I also like to go to K-Box with my fellow freaky cousins!</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">GENEE-IN-A-BOTTLE</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">---------------------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Hi! I'm a
10 year old girl Freak, I live in the East Wing of Mutabak Palace with my elder
brother, Virtual Cop. My hobbies are to play witmy brother, go out with my two
cousins, Animal Instinct and Bubbly Millionheiress.My favourite actresses are
Asin and Sada, in the Tamil cinema. I like Sada cos of Bubbly Millionheiress.
Now I like Gillian Chung, thanks to Bubbly Millionheiress again! She's pretty,
isn't it? Well, I also like to go to K-box with my brother and cousins. That's
about it! </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">We are pondering on our Weekly
Column, so we'll post again very soon! Thanx for your time!</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">By Virtual Cop and Genee-In-A-Bottle
with help from Bubbly Millionheiress</span></span></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-83021981436617637842013-06-19T23:33:00.001-07:002013-06-19T23:33:46.357-07:00Gadget Shop <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><b>i-Card</b><br />
---------------<br />
The I-card is made of a special kind of plastic material that will give it the
sharp edge of a knife, high thermal and electrical resistance and the ability
not to break when sat on or bent. Thanks to Morphin' Technology of Power Rangers
Corp. , I-card possess the ability to shape-shift into any knid of cards like
bus card, phone card, library card, credit card, driver licence card,
identification, security card.....any kind of card literally, even busniness
cards(just remember to take it back before it detonates, you will know the
reason later)!! A Personality Curse, a curse from Bala Stella School, enable
the card to have the particulars, characteristics, habits and memories of the
owner, as well as the ability to read the mind of the owner so that it will
know what card the user needs. The curse also acts as a sercurity device, when
it is stolen or used by unauthorised people, it will immediately self-destruct
with the force of 5 nuclear bombs. This is to save the user from unneccessary
troubles of finding it and reporting its loss. A free replacement will be
given. A Top-UP machine will be given free for each purchase of the I-card, so
as to enable the user to top up money into the card. Thanks to Wite-Lie
technology, the card is able to lie about the particulars of the owner without
detection, bestowing the user with uncanny convinence.<br />
<br />
cost: $655.30<br />
terms and condition: must be Abonis member, Starcup user ,must have at least 1
Bokia phone and applicant must be a student of disastrous record<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
<b>Hairdusa's Hair Gel</b><br />
---------------------<br />
Made from the very essence of Hairdusa herself, the hair gel is also much
sought after by students, especially bimbos, Ah Lians, Ah Bengs, vainpots and
peacocks. Upon applying the hair gel, you will feel the most pleasant tingling
senation on your scalp and the next thing you know, your hair are hissing and
writhing! Isn't that amazing? This is because Ayomi Hanasaki had prophesized
that in the year 2006, the Medusa hairdo will be in fashion, hence the product.
Female students in Assination Course will be able to use this product to scare
all the lights out of their targets. Besides that, the hair gel will also help
to weaken the hair roots, making sure they fall out by 2007, where going bald
is the coolest thing in school. Guys can style their armpit air and leg hair
into lethal spikey hairdo.<br />
<br />
cost: $14.65<br />
warning: people with sensitive scalp are advised not to use the product as it
will cause the hair to mutate into evil hair, which will promptly stangle you
to death. or simply speed up the hair growth process so fast that it make you
look like a hairy princess. use at your own peril.<br />
any loss of life or reputation is entirely your own fault<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<b>Leather Gloves</b><br />
----------------<br />
These leather gloves not only add to the cool factor of any student, but it
also posess a whole lot of uses that will benefit the student populace. The
common uses of the leather gloves is not to leave any fingerprints behind after
a murder/assassination assignment or used as a wall climbing equipment.
However, with the combined expertises of both Allopia and Bala Stella, the
leather gloves are now endowed with new functions. With Intel technology and
Common Sense Enchantments, the gloves will be able to absorb information from
textbooks due to sensors on the fingers and palm, thus helping the owner to
write the correct answers during exams. armed with anti-theft device, the
gloves will strangle anyone to unconsciousness who tries to steal it, leaving
the scum to the owner's disposal. New owners can also choose to install the
latest Walk-a-ton program into the Leather Gloves. This new program will enable
the gloves to locate their masters when they are stolen, misplaced or left at
home, they will then walk on their fingers at the speed of 15Km/h to reunite
with their owners.<br />
<br />
cost: $52.00<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<b>Olympic Torch</b><br />
------------------<br />
Made of 100% unbreakable plaster-of-paris. This torch do not require any
batteries, all it needs is a lighted match or it to work, no fuel is needed.
Just swing it around to hit anyone into coma or permanent brain damage, better
still, death. use the hot flame to burn away any evidence of murder, undone
homework or poor report cards. a must for must students flunking class or being
stalked.<br />
<br />
cost: $3.50 plus 1 free match stick<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<b>Day-dream Pills</b> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">(No two dreams are ever the same)<br />
-------------------<br />
pop one pill into your mouth and wash it down with a bit of DEF Beer, and enter
a state of enjoyment and fun, far away from the boring and endless droning of
educators. with day-dream pills, stuents will never need to resort to occupy
themselves with comics and storybooks hidden under textbooks, SMS under the desks,
whisper converations or even play hangman with friends under the teacher's
snouts. Day-dream pills will ensure you enjoy a full and uninterrupted daydream
to help you cope with the most boring lessons. Each pill will last for an
entire period of 45 minutes, students are advised to adjust the dosage of pills
according to the length of the lesson. As result of earlier failures, the
day-dream pill is now improved to give students an attentive and alert look to
avoid detection. however students are advised not to overdose as it will result
in permanent sleep, only to be awaken by a wet kiss from the Sushi ho/Maureen
Saw/Immortal Sia or wake up 65 years later. students are to take note that the
different colours of the pills indicate different daydreams to give consumers a
wide variety of entertaining dreams.<br />
<br />
Note:Pills may work differently for different people depending on their
reactions to such substances. some may experience mild drooling, hooded
eyelids, lolling heads or exhibit other symptoms of day dreaming which will
endanger students. For anti-failure please consult the Doctor before
purchasing. Use at your own time<br />
<br />
Cost: $8.99 per bottle of 15 pills<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<b>Parasonic Ear Plug and spectacles</b><br />
---------------<br />
These two products when used together, they are known as the new 5th generation
of hi-tec entertainment. The ear plugs are little black orbs that can fit into
any ear, which will turn invisible when in use to avoid detection. The
spectacles are also very unique as they look like any ordinary glasses to
anybody or teacher. The user have to touch the right side of the glasses to
activate the TV/Movie program. The left of the glasses will cause the channels
to change. The spectacles are made friendly eye so that it will not damage the
sight of the user. The ear plugs have Dorby Surround soundblasters to provide
you with the maximum enjoyment during classes, only you can hear the sound but
not others. The lenses of the spec are also solar cells, so no electricity or
battery is needed. The spec can also be used as an ordinary glasses.<br />
This product is able to do Inthenet surfing to enable you to watch MTVs online.
It can also have access to all Tv channels on both the Mortal Realm and the
Other Realm as well as other dimensions and planets. This product will provide
you with hours of fun and entertainment, without you resorting to day dreaming,
although it is a very expensive alternative to kill time<br />
<br />
Cost: $1655.23<br />
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Duck Medium</span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-67691122159641784142013-06-19T23:26:00.001-07:002013-06-19T23:26:33.419-07:00The Furniture Shop <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=174363069159829978" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">The Furniture Shop is simpy the
place all people will go to purchase their furnitures and home accessories. The
shop have all kinds of items to make any cave, swamp, haunted house or any
other homes a touch of the paranormal and incompletion. Check out the
Furnitures.</span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">
<br />
Note: All wooden furnitures are made from haunted woods. Other matherials are
either cursed, left to rot or specially pulverised to suit the interior deco.<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
<b>Spider Wardrobe</b><br />
--------------------<br />
A wooden wooden wardrobe made of 50 year old haunted wood from the trees of
Bala Stella School. This wardrobe is carved into the shape of a tarantula by
Magaret Tarantula, using the Maureen Saw. The wardrobe will automatically
shower anyone ,who opens the doors, with all kinds of spiders. Please do not
worry about the wardrobe running out of spiders because the curse laid by Miss
Magaret Tarantula will automatically produce endless waves of spiders and
tarantulas within your wardrobe to keep your clothes safe from moths and other
clothes-eating critters. Just remember to pluck the 8 legged thingies out of
your clothes before you wear them. This piece of furniture will be the greatest
item in any critter lover's collection.<br />
<br />
Note: suitable for people who use spiders in cooking, potion making or spell
casting. recommended for people who have extreme phobia of spiders to help them
to die of fright. Not suitable for couples who have children, for fear of kids
eating and choking on the spiders.<br />
<br />
cost: $423.09<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<b>The Mirror</b><br />
-----------------<br />
Note:Cursed. claimed the lives of 23 vainpots, 8 bimbos, 5 sluts, 13 bitches
and 12 models<br />
<br />
disclaimer:look at your own risk.<br />
<br />
A mirror deliberately shattered into 7 pieces with a sledgehammer to curse it
with purest bad luck and misfortune to bestow onto the lucky owner of this
piece of art. The broken mirror is then later cursed by the evil stepmother of
Snow White, to tell the user how ugly he/she looks. The mirror also possesses a
little bit of the charateristics of the wicked witch, so that the user can
argue with with mirror when bored at home, or else one can practice a
presentation infront of it and be rewarded with the snidest remarks and acidic
insults. This accessory come in hand-held, hang-on-the-wall and full length
size. However, this product is not suitable for vain people as the mirror will
drive them insane or to death within 1 day.<br />
<br />
Cost: price is negotiable. price should be around $239.56. bargain<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<b>Snow White's Four Poster Bed</b><br />
--------------------------------<br />
The very bed where a ditched Snow White committed suicide by suffocating
herself to death with a NTUC plastic bag tied over her head, when she failed to
die after drinking Dettol, Dynamo, Mama Lemon and bleach. This cursed and
exotic bed is much sought after by bed lovers. This exquisite bed is made of
rotten wood polished with car wax to perfect shinyness, togther with swear words
carved under the bed, but with an ancient inscription carved onto the head of
the bed by Snow White using her fingernails. All the previous occupants have
recommended others to buy this bed as you will feel a pleasant strangling
sensation around the neck or sometime feel the pains of physical abuse when the
spirit is feeling cranky.<br />
<br />
Cost: $755.66<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<b>Mrs. Koh's Chopping Board.</b><br />
--------------------------------<br />
Made from the wood of the famous execution block of King Louis who used it to
decapitate his wives. This chopping board was used by Mrs. Koh, the famous
student murderess, to slice, dice, chop, hack, cut, slash, stab and skewer her
student victims, although the chopping board was used on weekends to chop
vegetables and chicken. Fortunately, Mrs. koh met her demise at her favourite
chopping board when she fell asleep, chopping herself to death without her
knowing. This antique will make a fine addition to any kitchen, giving it the
menacing aura of a slaughterhouse. Using this chopping board, the user will
never miss the targeted mark on any living thing placed on it. The spirit
haunting the board will ensure 100% accuracy and 100% destruction of the thing
placed on it.<br />
<br />
Cost: $29.00<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<b>Rocking Chair</b><br />
------------------<br />
This rocking chair of unknown origin just appeared suddenly infront of the
shop. It seems like the chair rocked itself to the shop. After a round of
interrogation with the chair, it seems like the chair is eager to have new
victims. And so we, being the good souls, placed the rocking chair on sale.
This rocking chair is carved from a rare species of haunted haunted wood from
the Very Haunted Woods. This wonderful chair had rocked 6 people out of the
chair with a powerful force tht send them flying straight out of their windows,
causing them to smash into nearby buildings or trees, or simply slide onto the
road and et steamrollered by rampaging vehicles. we guarantee death or
permanent disability within 4 days of purchase or we refund $0.10 back to you.<br />
<br />
Cost: $97.50</span></span></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-9683750321549695242013-06-19T23:22:00.004-07:002013-06-19T23:25:24.811-07:00Allopia Gadget Shop <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 15.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">More new stuffs have arrived! Grab
them before they're all sold out!!! Prices subject to change, depending on
popularity.</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">1. IBook </span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Portable, compact, handy.<br />
--<br />
IBook. I Own It<br />
--<br />
</span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The latest invention by Allopia
Gadget Factory, this electronic book is a must-have for every technology savvy
and 21st century geek and nerd. You can download books through Ebeh website.
Purchase by Pay-Buddy. It's so simple and fast! Your very own library can just
be the size of your chemistry textbook!. Now you can read on the go with IBook!<br />
--<br />
<b>Features</b><br />
--<br />
Read to me : Tired of reading? Need someone to read to you? Just select the
'read to me' function in the side panel and a voice will read out the story to
you. Can choose different voices : sexy, deep, husky, cute, dollish, growl,
clownish, witchy, bitchy, baby, cattish, seductive, horny, old grandma, old
grandpa, high-pitch, shrill, sing-song, normal<br />
--<br />
<b>Dorby Surround :</b> High quality speakers with Sorby Surround elfish sound
to give you the elfish theatric experience.<br />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Dictionary :</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> You can check up the definition of unfamiliar words
conveniently with this function.<br />
--<br />
<b>Music player : </b>Plays music while you read. Proven Mozark effect to help
you absorb what you're reading better. CD or download<br />
--<br />
<b>Fansite :</b> Access the book's fansite and interact with fellow fans and
the author in the forum.Test yourself on the book in the quiz section<br />
--<br />
<b>Screen :</b> Will not damage your eyesight from prolonged use. Very high resolution
with 999 colours. Can choose background colour or wallpapers.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">2. Biological Alarm Clock</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Completely reliable and perfectly
harmless. </span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Just take one drop of B.A.C before
you sleep, then recite in your mind 3 times the time when you need to wake up
the next day, and your own biological clock will make sure you wake up on time
the next day. B.A.C. works by stimulating your biological clock nerves and
'sets' the speed accurately for the impulse to travel to your 'alarm clock'
nerves. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When the impulse reaches your 'alarm
clock' nerves at the designated time, your biological alarm clock goes off and
active hormones are released to make your whole body and mind become alert and
active instantly. Your mind becomes refreshed and you won't fall back to
sleep </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV13HOzqMXlsccsBaCtvlHJJON0w7TcX8YwOLog8Pc5uwOh7u96-qc9QFc1sWMRRvTt_bycgaQTtmnonPue66uqUDmu0IrRysfeFhpvknYlGgllMGaFsY2tsnqwXAxdMLPRgYEdpyVGsuQ/s1600/BAC.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="255" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV13HOzqMXlsccsBaCtvlHJJON0w7TcX8YwOLog8Pc5uwOh7u96-qc9QFc1sWMRRvTt_bycgaQTtmnonPue66uqUDmu0IrRysfeFhpvknYlGgllMGaFsY2tsnqwXAxdMLPRgYEdpyVGsuQ/s320/BAC.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">3. Adidust Pod Trainer</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Your Intelligent Personal
Trainer </span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Wear this when you go
running/jpgging and it'll make sure you do not stop until you finish the number
of rounds which you set out to achieve. Just press the number (distance in km).
It also records the distance and speed of your running/jogging/walking.
Definitely your perfect exercise companion. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">4. Black-hole</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Throw one at your enemy and he'll be
sucked into the hole into another dimension. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Notice: Sale of Black-Hole has been
banned by the Government of the Other Realm as its use messes up the
registration process at the Other Realm Immigrations Department. </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh2jSoOGxfqeIn2N_Mvkk_aCfqbGDXdqiGqO6IXqHBi8_Zv_eaUKotPOyD98tUcHa0ZThvOJPbDGKMqm9IOWPdLJELFYUAH6fZXrQAAhH60ix7UHytNV9hrK__DG-f015uZTujTyG0wZwQ/s1600/BH.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh2jSoOGxfqeIn2N_Mvkk_aCfqbGDXdqiGqO6IXqHBi8_Zv_eaUKotPOyD98tUcHa0ZThvOJPbDGKMqm9IOWPdLJELFYUAH6fZXrQAAhH60ix7UHytNV9hrK__DG-f015uZTujTyG0wZwQ/s320/BH.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">5. Allopia Lip-Stick</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Someone just won't shut up? Just
apply some Lip-Stick to the person's lips and his/her lips will stick together
for one whole hour! Waterproof and moisturizing.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"> Comes in 3 colours : black,
white, purple </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">6. Dreamer Traveler Pillow</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The only pillow in the world which
can take you anywhere you want - in your dreams! Be it to go back in time or
visit the future or go to another country, just think about your desired
destination and within seconds, you'll be there! Beware: you may not want to
wake up from your dream! </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">7. Allopia Earstuds</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Hearing aid - aids you to hear
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prevent eardrum damage </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">8. Adidust Wings</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Strap this onto your back and you
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Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-69975416307755160552013-06-19T23:13:00.002-07:002013-06-19T23:13:38.751-07:00COMPILED CRITTERS CUISINE MENU<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></i></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Presented by Critter Connoisseur
Whiskie<br />
Address: backyard of Mutabak Palace<br />
Opening Hours: All The Time<br />
<br />
<b>MENU<br />
</b>----------------------<br />
<b><i>Fish and Cold<br />
</i></b>-------------------<br />
Deep sea monster fishes are freshly caught from the deep depths royal pond of
the Mutabak Palace, some 8000ft below the surface. The fresh seafood is then
beheaded and then fried in ice and powdered charcoal. Liquid nitrogen sauce is
then poured on the dish for extra flavoring, served together the fish’s frostbitten
head. If not you can freeze the fish to death and drain it of blood, then eat
it raw with ice kachang shavings and frozen brine and fishbone soup<br />
<br />
Customers can choose to rent a leaking sampan or rotten drifting plank to go
out to the pond to fish for their own deep sea monster seafood. All customers
are to take precautions not to irritate the giant tentacled inhabitants, or
risk both life, limbs, capital punishments and torture treatments.<br />
<br />
Cost—depending on what species of seafood you catch, the weight of the
seafood and the preparation methods required.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Fishy De-lights<br />
</i></b>------------------------<br />
Fresh hot water fishes caught from the Dip Sea are knocked unconscious with a
sledgehammer then steamed for 8 hours. They are then fried in motor oil and
then soaked in sweet and spicy larvae sauce to get rid of the fishy essence.
The dish is then completed by a generous topping of crushed glass light bulbs
and Malazian Neon Soup. Another alternative is that the dish can be prepared by
stewing it in Whiskie’s special Tandoori and Masala molten glass and then
baking it in 7000°c neon gas for a royal sensation.<br />
<br />
Customers can choose other forms of seafood besides fishes. There are squid,
prawn, cuttlefish and shellfishes. Our seafood also comes in many sizes such as
huge, gigantic, titanic, small, medium and microscopic. Prices vary according
to the number of organisms caught and their weight.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Seafood Salad</i></b><br />
-------------------<br />
<br />
Rotten fish, prawn, crab, calm, sotong, squid, octopus, cuttlefish and other deceased
and decomposing marine wildlife are all dumped into a mega large porcelain
bowl. They are then allowed to further decompose by adding houseflies, maggots
and ants to create an out-of-this-world rancid taste. Wilted lettuces, cabbages
and seaweed are thrown into the mixture together with the seafood and insects,
with date-expired plankton salad sauce and blended seafood brains.<br />
<br />
Or else customers can request for blended seafood organs, which consist of all
the organs of every seafood placed in a blending machine, for extra nutrients.
Puffer fish soy sauce or concentrated brine gravy is available if customers
find the food a little too bland.<br />
<br />
Cost--$23.45<br />
<br />
<b><i>Ocean Pie<br />
</i></b>-----------------<br />
A popular dish which the fillings are constructed from the ant and maggot eaten
shark carcass and crab shell. The main ingredients are stir-fried with Thai
sour and sour sauce, dead corals and sewer algae. The crust of the pie is
personally kneaded by the Critter Connoisseur itself, which is made form a
mixture of mouldy flour, swamp mud,drain water, moss, rotten eggs and fungi.
The pie is then finished by baking it until it turns black and topped with
worm-eaten cherry. A Maureen Saw will be provided for customers to penetrate
the crust.<br />
<br />
Cost--$4.50<br />
<br />
<b><i>Income Tax Omelette<br />
</i></b>------------------------------<br />
A delicacy amongst the inhabitants of Freaktopia. A grand mixture of smashed
and decayed chicken, duck, ostrich, penguin and do-do bird eggs and eggshells,
fried in medical and lubricative oils to produce a greasy and healthy
heart-attack sensation. Shredded income tax bills are added to the omelette,
together with diluted xian dan gravy and molten hair wax sauce.<br />
<br />
Cost-----------large:$6.50..................extra
large:$13.00..............very large:$9.50<br />
<br />
<b><i>Toilet Random<br />
</i></b>-----------------------<br />
Spiders, cockroaches, lizards and other critters found in bathrooms are
marinated in tree bark, tree root and tree leaf sauce for 49 hours. They are
then fried in olive hair oil with a light dashing of baby powder fro extra
flavoring and seasoning<br />
<br />
Cost--$5.54<br />
<br />
<b><i>Sinful Random<br />
</i></b>-----------------------<br />
True to its name, this dish is made up of the most sinful living organisms ever
know to the Duck Medium. Goldfish, Silverfish and Stonefish are fishnapped and
secretly brought to Critters Connoisseur, where it will prepare the dish using
the Maureen Saw ver. Piranha. The fishes are then stewed in bitter drain sauce
and sour toilet sauce. This complicated dish then have hair spray, Baygon,
Mortein and deoderant added to it for fragrance and taste enhancement, with
greasy Kai Chuan Special Gravy for texture and colour.<br />
<br />
Cost--$888.88<br />
<br />
<b><i>Sewers Smoothie<br />
</i></b>-------------------<br />
mainly made of iced sewer waters, mixed with a little toilet water and rain
water for a refreshing effect. The mixture is then added to sewer slime, rat
and cockroach and then blended together to create a thick greenish-brown stuff
with the attractive stench of the sewers. pay extra $0.50 to top your smoothie
with Madame Butterfly's buttered flies.Plain Smoothie will only have iced sewer
water, toilet water, rain water and drain water without any extra ingredients.
(for vegetarians and monks)<br />
small--$1.90 medium--$2.60 large--$3.50<br />
<br />
<b>Nezumi Tiramisu</b> --$6.50<br />
------------------------------<br />
Hamsters, rats, guinea pig and squirrels are nicely beheaded and blended
together with plenty of diabetic sugar, sugar cane and rock sugar. The other
ingredients are fermented flour, fungus, algae and slime are specially prepared
with a secret receipe then baked to a slimy jelliness and left to cool and
decompose futhur to bring out the taste. After which the blended rodent mixture
is applied and the whole product is kept in liquid nitrogen to keep houseflies
and other pest away and to maintain the product's freshness.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Yummy Olde' Field</i></b> --$8.30<br />
---------------------------<br />
Serpents and rats freshly caught by the Critter Connoisseur itself to ensure
high quality of the product. They are then diced and stir fried with nightshade
and venus flytrap in date expired soya sauce and rotten oyster sauce. The dish is
then completed with a dash of roasted piranha brains and thick BBQed Ticks n
Lice sauce.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Milistone Soup</i></b> --$54.20<br />
----------------------------<br />
Millipedes and centipedes which are freshly imported from Allopia and Bala
Stella, are finely chopped to even pieces and are soaked in drain water
overnight to absorb its essence. They are then stewed in sewer and rain water
broth , which was secretly concocted by the Critter itself in the dead of the
night to prevent its secret from leaking out, together with 8 types of critters
and 5 kind of plants and 3 type of spices. This mysterious soup have a clear
sick-green colour with tasty chunks of flies, wilted plants and bloated pieces
of mili n centipede. YUM!<br />
<br />
<b><i>Buddha Crash into the Wall</i></b>--$346.98<br />
------------------------------------<br />
A popular dish amongst the people of Freaktopia who are celebrating New Year.
This expensive dish is make from the best and freshest ingredients money cannot
buy. The Mangosteen Buddhas, in the Mutabak Palace Garden are harvested once a
year, are flung onto walls to pulverise them. The crushed fruits are then feed
to the houseflies and maggots to speed up the decomposition rate and also to
obtain the delicious saliva of housefly and maggots. The rotten fruits,
together with cockroaches, houseflies, maggots, rodents, snakes, termites and
lizards are stewed in bird flu infected crow's blood, panadol, laxatives and
cough syrup.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Major Creepo Jumbo Set</i></b>-$19.90<br />
<br />
consists of:<br />
<br />
<b><i>Housefly Submarine</i></b><br />
-----------------------<br />
made with the mouldiest bread and stuffed with squirming maggots and rotten
fungi, together with stewed houseflies in toad liver and castor oil.<br />
<br />
<b><i>coka koala</i></b><br />
------------<br />
the most popular drink in Mutabak Kingdom. made from freshly pulverised koala
bears.<br />
( for more refreshing sensation : coka koala light is also available[blended
koala foetus])<br />
<br />
<b><i>Battered French Flies</i></b><br />
----------------------<br />
long juicy spanish flies are drowned in butter then fried to a delightful coal
black colour. best eaten with barbequed wasp sauce.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Whiskie Salad<br />
</i></b>---------------<br />
made with rotten fungus and decomposing lettuces, different assorted crawlies
are added at random to create a mysterious flavour. the dish is then completed
with loads of date expired salad sauce and Essence of Whiskie .(comes only in
large, very large and cannot-finish size) customers can request their own
crawlies to be added to the salad.you name the bug, we have the bug.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Imperial Special Value Meal</i></b> -$15.98<br />
<br />
consist of:<br />
<br />
<b><i>Worm Goreng</i></b><br />
------------<br />
long, juicy and succluent earthworms freshly unearthed from the gallows in the
backyard of the Mutabak Palace. marinated in amphibian excrements and Mutabak
thai chilli, then fried in hot crude oil. customers are recommended to use
pitch forks as worms maye as short as 10m. come in large-spicy, super
-large-super- spicy and cannot-finish -unconsummable spiciness.<br />
<br />
<b><i>Deep-fried Bat Wings</i></b><br />
-----------------------<br />
bats, caught from the Bata Cave in Malazia , have their wing ripped out then
marinated in the Ants n Roach BBQ sauce.the wings are fried to a light golden
brown<br />
for extra flavouring please request a spray of Baygon(1 spray $5.00)<br />
Drunken Flying Crawlies<br />
butterflies, bees, hornets and any insects that flies are stuffed into a barrel
full of 1300 Whiskie, until they are drunk and drowned.they are then dumped
into hot lice oil and deep fry<br />
<br />
<b>Popular Dishes<br />
</b><br />
<b><i>Tandoori Tarantula</i></b>- $1500 for 3<br />
----------------------------------<br />
tarantulas caught in the basement of Sin Wei Corp are fed with the Immortal
Pill for 3 days and then fried with lice oil and date expired tandoori sauce<br />
<br />
<b><i>Fillet O Bug<br />
</i></b>---------------<br />
a fillet made from the juciest ants, cockroach and houseflies, sanwiched
between two slice of stale Chun Mee bun , together with sour cheese and bitter
cream<br />
OFFER now only $0.18usual $2.90<br />
<br />
<b><i>Triple Whisk-spicy<br />
</i></b>---------------------<br />
this bugger is made up of maggot fillet, Fillet o Bug and H bug fillet.
additional ingredients: wilted tomatoes,<br />
rotten lettuce, Ant n Roach Sauce or Chun Mee stale bun<br />
<br />
OFFER now only $3.50usual $3.60<br />
<br />
note: H bug fillet is a secret recipe handed down by Whiskie's ancestors.<br />
ingredients: fleas, ticks, tapeworms,ants,dung beetle,houseflies and cockroach<br />
<br />
<b><i>Exotic Rojak</i></b><br />
-------------<br />
Local delicacy with an exotic twist!A rojak of ants, beetles, cockroaches mixed
in sweet black sauce and peppered with roasted butterfly eggs<br />
<br />
cost: $6.90<br />
<br />
<b><i>Caterpilla ice-cream boat<br />
</i></b>-------------------------------<br />
Hmm...a long, thick and fat caterpilla harvested from the Royal Gardens of
Murtabak Palace, topped with 3 scoops of ice-cream each of different flavours:
bug chip cookies flavour, cockroach flavour, dung flavour<br />
<br />
cost: $7.60<br />
<br />
<b><i>Chicken Lice<br />
</i></b>---------------<br />
Another local delicacy, with lice substituted for rice! Delicious steamed
chicken breast meat and lice cooked with chicken flavour!<br />
<br />
$10.90<br />
<br />
<b><i>Bloody Maria</i></b><br />
--<br />
An exquisite concoction of blood squeezed from mosquitoes which cause malaria.
Served with a slice of lemon for a tangy twist!<br />
<br />
$12<br />
<br />
<b><i>Dumpling<br />
</i></b>-------------<br />
Steamed silkworm which are still encased in their cocoon. Served with
traditional chili sauce created by ancestors of Princess of Murtabak.<br />
<br />
cost: $8 for 5 dumplings<br />
<br />
<b><i>Lizard Burger</i></b><br />
--------------<br />
Juicy and succulent kampung lizards which are caught from bathrooms and toilets
of Fullertome Hotel, and steamed with platinum water to give a tender and
elastic texture. Served with rotten lettuce and soured pickles and mouldy
french cheese, tucked between 2 lightly buttered buns<br />
<br />
Cost : $6.90<br />
<br />
<b><i>Maggots in sweet and sour sauce<br />
</i></b>-------------------------------<br />
Fat and juicy maggots freshly harvested from bandages obtained from Everest
Summit hospital,and marinated in Whiskie's secret-recipe special sauce for 7
days and 7 nights and then grilled to perfection.Served with lettuce infested
with raw baby maggots and whiskie's specially created sweet and sour sauce.<br />
<br />
Cost: $10.90<br />
<br />
<b><i>Tropical Critter Salad<br />
</i></b>------------------------<br />
A delightful potpourri of critters of various tropical species in a unique
dressing of earthworm juice and sweet aphid sap.<br />
<br />
Cost : $8.90<br />
<br />
<b><i>Milipede/Centipede Sandwich<br />
</i></b>----------------------------<br />
Hand-shelled milipedes/centipedes roasted to delicious golden brown perfection
and tucked in a long bread. Served with either mustard or ketchup<br />
<br />
Cost : $3.50<br />
<br />
<b><i>Cockroach Cake</i></b><br />
-----------------<br />
Cockroach Flavoured cake decorated with cockroach legs and feelers at the top.
Topped with stale cream and dung-beetle flavoured icing<br />
<br />
Cost : large size: $30medium : $20small : $10slice : $3.60<br />
<br />
<b><i>Bug chip cookies</i><br />
</b>----------------<br />
Famous Whisky Bug chip cookies is back by popular demand! Crispy and deliciously
sweet, containing generous amounts of tiny bugs<br />
<br />
Cost : $3.90 per 100g-<br />
<br />
<b><i>Earthworm Ramen<br />
</i></b>--------------------<br />
First in the world! Thick and long noodles of earthworms swimming in sze chuan
sweet and sour soup that's bound to tickle your taste buds
(literally).Hmm...yummy!!<br />
<br />
Cost : $7.90<br />
<br />
<b><i>Spider kebab<br />
</i></b>---------------<br />
Fleshy and succulent tarantulas and tanutamas and radioactive spiders impaled
on a stick and marinated in BBQ sauce and grilled. Served with side dish of
termite salad<br />
<br />
Cost : $2.90 per stick<br />
<br />
<b><i>Butterfly pudding<br />
</i></b>-------------------<br />
Fresh and creamy milk pudding with a base of butterfly legs and feelers, topped
with beautiful butterfly wings and a red cherry<br />
<br />
Cost : $5.90</span></span></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-53479578999506273612013-06-19T23:13:00.000-07:002013-06-19T23:13:04.763-07:00Special Feature On Buffy The Vampire Slayer<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">QUOTES</span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"She's the gnat in my ear. The
gristle in my teeth. She's the bloody thorn in my bloody side!"-Spike, on
Buffy<br />
---------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
Buffy:" I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence, do
I?"<br />
Xander:"The important thing is, <i>you</i> believe in that."<br />
----------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
"Now, we can do this the hard way, or.... well, actually, There's just the
hard way."-Buffy<br />
----------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
"I've had it. Spike is going down. You can attack, you can send assassins
after me.... that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend." -Buffy<br />
----------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
Buffy:"I kill vampires. That's my job."<br />
Giles:"True, althought you don't usually beat them onto quite such a
bloody pulp beforehand."<br />
----------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
Giles:"Let's not jump to any conclusions."<br />
Buffy:"I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions
were."<br />
----------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
"The Master. I went past his grave last night and they have a
vacancy."-Buffy<br />
----------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
Joyce:"Are you going out tonight, honey?"<br />
Buffy:"Yeah, Mom, I'm going to a club."<br />
Joyce:"Will there be boys there?"<br />
Buffy:"No, Mom, it's a nun club."<br />
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
"Giles, CARE. I'm putting my life on the line, battling the undead! Look,
I broke a nail, okay? I'm wearing a press on. The least you could do is exhibit
some casual interest. You could go "hmmm"." -Buffy<br />
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
"You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone that
you are a moron."- Buffy to Cordelia<br />
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
" When he wakes up, tell him....I don't know. Think of something cool;
tell him I said it."-Buffy, after knocking Giles out to save his life.<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
Buffy:"Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing."<br />
Xander:"Yeah. Some stuff is about groping."<br />
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
Buffy:"There's something supernatural at work. Get your books. Look stuff
up!"<br />
Willow (to Giles):"What are you going to do?"<br />
Giles:"Get my books. Look stuff up."<br />
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
Cordelia:"What?"<br />
Giles:"I'm sorry....your hair."<br />
Cordelia:"There's something wrong with my hair? Oh, my God."[she
exits]<br />
Giles:"Xander was right. It worked like a charm."<br />
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
Xander:"Giles lived for school. He's still bitter there were only twelve
grades."<br />
Buffy:"He probably sat in math calss thinking, "There should be more
math! This could be mathier.""<br />
Willow:"Come on. You don't think he ever got restless as a kid?"<br />
Buffy:"Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed."<br />
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
Buffy:"I was a little sloppy on the roundhouse kick. You want me to try it
again? "<br />
Giles:"No, that's fine. You run along to class and I'll wait for the
feeling to return to my arms."<br />
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
Willow entering Buffy's ward and dumping a stack of homework on her.<br />
Buffy:"Homework.'<br />
Willow:"It's my way of saying, 'Get well soon'."<br />
BUffy:"You know, chocolate says that even better."<br />
Willow:"I did all your assignments. All you need to do is to sign your
name."<br />
Buffy (awestruck) :"Chocolate means nothing to me."<br />
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
by Duck medium, an Axe-clusive interview with Buffy the vampire slayer</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></i><span style="color: windowtext; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 3;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="113816935620159034"></a><b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;">Tips on Vampire Slaying </span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 3;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 12.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">TIP 1<br />
</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-----------------<br />
<b>vampire sensing ability is crucial. But fashion sense can compensate for the
lack of that ability<br />
</b><br />
Giles:"can you tell me if there's a vampire in this building?"<br />
Buffy:"maybe?"<br />
Giles:"you should know! Even through this mass and this din you should be
able to sense them. Try. Reach out with your mind. You have to hone your
senses, focus until the energy washes over you, till you can feel every
particle of-"<br />
Buffy:"There's one."<br />
Giles:" What? Where?"<br />
Buffy:"Down there.Talking to that girl."<br />
Giles:"But you don't know..."<br />
Buffy:"Oh, please. Look at his jacket. he's got the sleeves rolled up. And
the shirt ... deal with that outfit for a moment."<br />
Giles:"It's dated?"<br />
Buffy:"It's carbon-dated! Trust me: only someone who's been living
underground for ten years would think that was the look."<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
<i>TIP 2<br />
</i>-----------<br />
<b>The ability to improvish youself will save your life time and again.<br />
</b><br />
"There was this time I was pinned down by this guy that played left tackle
for varsity....Well, at least he used to before he was a vampire. Anyway, He's
got one of those really thick necks and all I've got is a little Exacto
knife...." -Buffy<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
<i>TIP 3<br />
</i>-----------<br />
<b>Never be restricted by stick-in-the-mud traditions. Lest you expire before
your time.<br />
</b><br />
Giles:"Kendra. There are a few people- civilians if you like- who knows
Buffy's identity. Willow is one of them. And they also spend time together.
Socially."<br />
Kenra:"And you allow this, sir?"<br />
Giles:"Well...."<br />
Kendra:"But the Slayer must work in secret. For security."<br />
Giles:"Of course. With Buffy, it's....some flexibility is required."<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
<i>TIP 4<br />
</i>----------<br />
<b>Some things are really not essential to your survival. For instance, the
Slayer Handbook</b>.<br />
<br />
Giles: You see, Spike has also called out the Order of Taraka to keep Buffy
out of the way.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
Kendra: The assassins? I read of them in the Writings of Dramius.<br />
Giles: Really? Which volume?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
Kendra: I believe it was six, sir.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
Buffy (to Kendra): How to you know all these?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
Kendra: From my studies.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
Buffy: So, you obviously have a lot of free time.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
Kendra: I studied because it is required. The Slayer handbook insists on
it.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
Willow: There’s a Slayer handbook?</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
Buffy: Handbook? What handbook? How come I don’t have a handbook ?<br />
Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? ‘Cause that would be cool.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
Giles: After meeting you Buffy, I was quite sure the handbook would be of no
use in your case.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<i>Tip 5<br />
</i>---------<br />
<b>Unpredictability is much needed for you to maintain your sanity.<br />
</b><br />
Joyce: A little responsibility, Buffy, that's all I ask. Honestly, don't you
ever think about anything besides boys and clothes?"<br />
Buffy:"Saving the world from vampires."<br />
Joyce:"I swear, sometimes I don't know what goes on inyour head."<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
<b>note:</b> Buffy is the Slayer. Willow is buffy's best friend.Joyce is
buffy's mom. Giles is Buffy's Watcher. Spike is the big bad vampire. Kendra is
the slayer activated when buffy drowned for a minute.<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">THE
SLAYER HANDBOOK</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-<i>according
to Buffy Summers</i>-</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Rule
one</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Walk
tough. Talk tough. Be tough.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">" I
don't think we've been properly introduced. I'm Buffy and you're
....history."</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"I've
lost friends tonight, and I may lose more. If you have information worth
hearing then i am grateful for it. If you want to make jokes then I will pull out
your ribcage and wear it as a hat." </span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-Buffy, to
Spike</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">rule
two</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">----------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Provide
whatever assistance you can, but know yor strengths and weaknesses.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Xander:
"So. Okay. Get started, Buffy. Dissect it or something."</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Buffy:
"Dissect it? Why me?"</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Xander: "Because
you are the Slayer."</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Buffy:
"And I slayed. My work here is done"</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">rule
three</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">--------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Be
properly respectful about your callings and its traditions</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"Sacred
duty, yadda, yadda, yadda."</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">rule
four</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Keep
your cool. Don't let little things like homicidal boyfriends distract you.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"Can
you vague that up for me?"- Buffy</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">rule
five</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">-------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Don't
be fooled by a lull inSlayage. Stake all you want, they'll make more.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"Just
because the paranormal has been more normal and less.... para lately, is no
excuse for tardiness or letting your guard down." - Giles</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">rule
six</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">--------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Seek
a proper balance in your life.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"Buffy,
when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn't mean at
the same time!"- Giles</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">rule
seven</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">----------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Be
vigilant in regard to personal morale.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"A
hungry Slayer is a cranky Slayer. A cranky Slayer is a careless Slayer. And a
cranky Slayer is a dead Slayer."-Buffy</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">rule
eight</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">---------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Personal
appearance is important in making a good first impression.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Xander:"Is
she gonna be okay?"[re: an electrocuted Buffy]</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Giles:"She
was only grounded for a moment.[then to Buffy]Still, if you'd been anyone but
the Slayer...."</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Buffy:"Tell
me the truth. How's my hair?"</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Xander:"It's
great. It's your best hair ever."</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Giles:"Oh,
yes."</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-size: 12pt;">rule
nine</span></i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">--------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 12pt;">When
faced with the unknown, go with your instincts.</span></b><span style="font-size: 12pt;"></span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Xander:"You
don't know how to kill this thing."</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Buffy:"I
thought i might try violence."</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Xander:"Solid
call."</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">by duck
medium, an axe-culsive interview with buffy the vampire slayer</span></span></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-45420158354661546212013-06-19T23:11:00.000-07:002013-06-19T23:11:07.389-07:00Critters Cuisine <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><br /></span></b></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b></b><b>CRITTERS CUISINE</b></span><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">
<br />
Presented by Critter Connoisseur Whiskie<br />
Address: backyard of Mutabak Palace<br />
Opening Hours: All The Time<br />
<br />
<b>NOTE</b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><b> </b><br />
Due to the roaring business made by Critters Cuisine Company, Critters
Connoisseur Whiskie the CEO of the firm, had finally decided to open branches
of Critters Cuisine all over Freaktopia as well as within the compounds of the
Mutabak Palace. The new branches will be officially opened by the Princess
Mutabak, High Priestess of Seerland and the Duck Medium. The new shops will be
located in the toilets of the Mutabak Palace, The Royal Gallows, underground
sewers and the Pond.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Fish and Cold</b><br />
-------------------<br />
Deep sea monster fishes are freshly caught from the deep depths royal pond of
the Mutabak Palace, some 8000ft below the surface. The fresh seafood is then
beheaded and then fried in ice and powdered charcoal. Liquid nitrogen sauce is
then poured on the dish for extra flavoring, served together the fish’s
frostbitten head. If not you can freeze the fish to death and drain it of
blood, then eat it raw with ice kachang shavings and frozen brine and fishbone
soup<br />
<br />
Customers can choose to rent a leaking sampan or rotten drifting plank to go
out to the pond to fish for their own deep sea monster seafood. All customers
are to take precautions not to irritate the giant tentacled inhabitants, or
risk both life, limbs, capital punishments and torture treatments.<br />
<br />
Cost—depending on what species of seafood you catch, the weight of the
seafood and the preparation methods required.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Fishy De-lights</b><br />
------------------------<br />
Fresh hot water fishes caught from the Dip Sea are knocked unconscious with a
sledgehammer then steamed for 8 hours. They are then fried in motor oil and
then soaked in sweet and spicy larvae sauce to get rid of the fishy essence.
The dish is then completed by a generous topping of crushed glass light bulbs
and Malazian Neon Soup. Another alternative is that the dish can be prepared by
stewing it in Whiskie’s special Tandoori and Masala molten glass and then
baking it in 7000°c neon gas for a royal sensation.<br />
<br />
Customers can choose other forms of seafood besides fishes. There are squid,
prawn, cuttlefish and shellfishes. Our seafood also comes in many sizes such as
huge, gigantic, titanic, small, medium and microscopic. Prices vary according
to the number of organisms caught and their weight.<br />
<br />
<b>Seafood Salad</b><br />
-------------------<br />
<br />
Rotten fish, prawn, crab, calm, sotong, squid, octopus, cuttlefish and other
deceased and decomposing marine wildlife are all dumped into a mega large
porcelain bowl. They are then allowed to further decompose by adding
houseflies, maggots and ants to create an out-of-this-world rancid taste.
Wilted lettuces, cabbages and seaweed are thrown into the mixture together with
the seafood and insects, with date-expired plankton salad sauce and blended
seafood brains.<br />
<br />
Or else customers can request for blended seafood organs, which consist of all
the organs of every seafood placed in a blending machine, for extra nutrients.
Puffer fish soy sauce or concentrated brine gravy is available if customers
find the food a little too bland.<br />
<br />
Cost--$23.45<br />
<br />
<b>Ocean Pie</b><br />
-----------------<br />
A popular dish which the fillings are constructed from the ant and maggot eaten
shark carcass and crab shell. The main ingredients are stir-fried with Thai
sour and sour sauce, dead corals and sewer algae. The crust of the pie is
personally kneaded by the Critter Connoisseur itself, which is made form a
mixture of mouldy flour, swamp mud,drain water, moss, rotten eggs and fungi.
The pie is then finished by baking it until it turns black and topped with
worm-eaten cherry. A Maureen Saw will be provided for customers to penetrate
the crust.<br />
<br />
Cost--$4.50<br />
<br />
<b>Income Tax Omelette</b><br />
------------------------------<br />
A delicacy amongst the inhabitants of Freaktopia. A grand mixture of smashed
and decayed chicken, duck, ostrich, penguin and do-do bird eggs and eggshells,
fried in medical and lubricative oils to produce a greasy and healthy
heart-attack sensation. Shredded income tax bills are added to the omelette,
together with diluted xian dan gravy and molten hair wax sauce.<br />
<br />
Cost-----------large:$6.50..................extra
large:$13.00..............very large:$9.50<br />
<br />
<b>Toilet Random</b><br />
-----------------------<br />
Spiders, cockroaches, lizards and other critters found in bathrooms are
marinated in tree bark, tree root and tree leaf sauce for 49 hours. They are
then fried in olive hair oil with a light dashing of baby powder fro extra
flavoring and seasoning<br />
<br />
Cost--$5.54<br />
<br />
<b>Sinful Random</b><br />
-----------------------<br />
True to its name, this dish is made up of the most sinful living organisms ever
know to the Duck Medium. Goldfish, Silverfish and Stonefish are fishnapped and
secretly brought to Critters Connoisseur, where it will prepare the dish using
the Maureen Saw ver. Piranha. The fishes are then stewed in bitter drain sauce
and sour toilet sauce. This complicated dish then have hair spray, Baygon,
Mortein and deoderant added to it for fragrance and taste enhancement, with
greasy Kai Chuan Special Gravy for texture and colour.<br />
<br />
Cost--$888.88<br />
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<br />
by duck medium</span></span></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-91039292018136732572013-06-12T21:30:00.003-07:002013-06-12T21:30:57.467-07:00The Bookshop <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></b>Due to the recent establishment of
the prestigious University of Everything, in addition to the existence of
Allopia Spy School and Bala Stella School, the number of bookshops in the
galaxy of Freaktopia has finally reached an overheating maximum.</div>
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<br />
In order to reduce the competition among the Bookshops, the Ministry of
Education has decided to merge the three Bookshops, so as to reduce death,
blood and gore. It was decreed by the Ministry that all the Bookshops should
sell the same products and provide the same services, although their prices may
differ from one other. As this is the New Year, the Bookshop has decided to
launch its new products that have been growing mould and collecting dust ever
since they had been created, so as to heighten the festive mood with plenty of
dismay, misfortune and inauspiciousness.<br />
<br />
<b>1. N2B Pencil<br />
</b><br />
This 2B pencil is the latest assassination weapon produced by the Weapons and
Physics Students of Allopia and Bala Stella. The new N2B pencil is even more
deadly and useful then its predecessor, the 2B Pencil, because it can now kill
both vampires and humans. The pencil is made of wood which can easily dust any
vampire by shoving it through their hearts.<br />
<br />
Since it is a pencil, no vampire will ever suspect a pencil to be used as a stake.
Inside this stationery there are 4 micro non-nuclear missiles which can be
launched out through the tip of the pencil when the pink eraser trigger is
pressed, causing an explosion 55 times the force of a regular atomic bomb,
minus the radiation.<br />
<br />
All the user need to do is to aim the tip of the pencil in the general
direction of the intended victim and tell the pencil the name of the target;
just make sure the victim does not share the same name as you. The missile will
be guided to the target by heat, smell, identity and essence sensors, making
sure the strike is 100% accurate and satisfying.<br />
<br />
Since the material is made of wood, this assassination gadget will pass through
any checkpoint in the disguise of innocent stationery, and the wooden material
makes it environmentally friendly upon disposal as it is biodegradable. <br />
<br />
$2.90 for 1 packet of 12 pencils<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>2. A4 Foolscrape Paper<br />
</b><br />
This Foolscrape Paper is one of the most essential equipment that must be found
on every self-respecting students; without it, the lives of countless students
will be devoid of life, vitality and excitement.<br />
<br />
The Foolscrape Paper has many useful and lifesaving, as well as
reputation-saving and reputation-wrecking purposes besides the conventional,
outdated, unfashionable and boring educational purposes such as copying notes
and doing homework.<br />
<br />
With this product, students will never have to spend another moment decomposing
in class as the Foolscrape Paper will provide hours of entertainment so that
time in the most boring lessons will zoom past without you knowing it.<br />
<br />
Use the paper to write notes to one other, make paper planes that will dive
bomb students and teachers alike to create chaos and pandemonium in class, or
simply indulge yourselves in the simple pleasures of playing hangman or
pictionary. Moreover, the Foolscrape Paper can also be used to clean your
backside after doing your business because some asshole had jammed a toilet
bowl with an entire toilet roll. Also, it can be crushed into a paper ball and
then shoved down someone’s throat to choke the person to death, or simply use
the sharp edge of the A4 paper to slice your own or others’ throat if you
want to commit suicide or murder someone but unable to get hold on a Maureen
Saw or bladed object.<br />
<br />
Cost--$1.50<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>3. The Bookshop Ten Year Series Assessment Books<br />
</b><br />
These four words will simply drive any student into full-blown panic attack or
give them hives or simply make them want to commit suicide. This is because
these words equal to something that is almost non-existent in the students’
dictionary: HOMEWORK.<br />
<br />
But with this new brand of TYS, students will never need to fear homework and
will even be able to simile blandly into the pasty and toad-like face of the
meanest and most perverse teacher in school. This new series of TYS is
specially enchanted by students of Bala Stella School, which will automatically
fill themselves up with answers in the handwriting of their owner, and include
explanations to keep the student out of trouble in case the teacher demanded
one. The book is also blessed with common sense which will deliberately make
some accidental mistakes to avoid making the teacher suspicious of the book.<br />
<br />
But should the teacher discover something wrong with the book, the TYS will automatically
disintegrate in the hands of the teacher to save the student from punishments
and to erase all evidence of its existence.<br />
<br />
The book can also be used as a projectile weapon and launched across the
classroom by the student to hit the teacher on the head, and the book will then
promptly attach itself to the teacher's head and then detonate to remove the
scum from the face of the earth.<br />
<br />
O- Levels ----$13.60<br />
A- Levels ----$19.90<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>4. Photocopying Services<br />
</b><br />
The photocopying service is one crucial service that will surely be used by all
people in the school. Without it, catastrophes and disasters will strike. The
photocopy machine has recently been upgraded by the Criminology and Business
Management Students.<br />
<br />
Besides photocopying notes, undone homework and missing assignments, the
photocopying will be extending its services to satisfy the needs of students
and to reduce huge inconveniences faced. Students, teachers and school staff
members can use the photocopy machine to photocopy and print money. All can be
rest assured that the photocopied is identical to the real ones and no machine
can detect its fakeness unless you tell them. However, a quota is imposed by
Principal Sushi Ho that a maximum of $50,000 worth of money can only be printed
by each person. Anyone caught violating her…I mean her rule, will have their
limbs and tongue placed in the shredding machine.<br />
<br />
Students photocopying the following documents will be exempted from paying:
blackmail letters, terrorism notes, death-threat notes, loan shark posters,
ransom notes, prostitution flyers, nude photos, drug advertisements and black
market flyers.<br />
<br />
Teachers photocopying notes, homework, test papers and etc will have to pay a
fine of $5000 and pay 55 times the price of the total bill.<br />
<br />
Cost depends on what you are printing<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>5. COMPUTA 101</b><br />
<br />
This product is the latest software researched by the Computer Lab. It consists
of a CD ROM, User Manual and Video VCD, all for the price of 3. The COMPUTA 101
will teach, educate and train students to become hackers, virus releasers and
creators and cyber rime masterminds.<br />
<br />
Students will learn how to hack into government files and databases to change
information, create 'backdoors', infect them with virus or simply obtain data
to sell as daylight robbery prices. They can also learn to create viruses and
release them in the Internet to create mayhem and panic, then sell antivirus
software to people at sky high prices. Better still, students can learn to hack
into the school’s mainframe to delete or change data containing students’
crime, profile, grades and remarks. Furthermore, they can learn how to gain
access to teachers’ files to remove data and files containing exam questions
so that there will be no exam or obtain the solutions and sell them to
desperate students. Absolutely fantastic.<br />
<br />
Cost--$238.95 plus 1 GET OUT OF JAIL card sponsored by Chang’e Moon Prison<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>6. Glass Bottles</b><br />
<br />
This may sound extremely dumb and stupid but please bear with it. These glass
bottles are not ordinary glass bottles used to contain paper stars or Pepsi;
instead they contain things that are feared by almost every living thing on
earth. They contain catastrophes, mayhem, disasters, chaos and pandemonium.
When the Gods first sent these calamities to earth, the ancestor of Duck Medium
collected and sealed them into bottles so that they can be sold to others at
exorbitant prices. The bottles catastrophes can unleash their horrors upon
others when the owner uncork the bottles or smash them onto the floor.<br />
<br />
Catastrophes: landslide, mudslide, earthquake, volcanic eruption, rising sea
level, quicksand, desertification, quagmire, sandstorm, drought, forest fire<br />
<br />
Cost--$45.00<br />
<br />
Disasters: thunderstorm, lightning storm, flood, waterspout, tsunami, hailstorm,
blizzard, snowstorm, tidal waves, torrential rain, avalanche, acid rain<br />
<br />
Cost--$60.00<br />
<br />
Calamities: hurricanes, cyclones, tornadoes, typhoon, haze, smog, meteorite
collision, supernatural apocalypse, nuclear war, epidemics, alien invasion <br />
<br />
Cost--$75.00<br />
<br />
Panic: economic crisis, family crisis, stress, STD, cancer, unnatural death,
insanity, murder, 18 generations of bad luck, curses, jinx, kidnap,
blackmailed, robbed, raped, molested, organ failure, bankruptcy, suicide,
ritual sacrificed, cannibalism<br />
<br />
Cost--$90.00<br />
<br />
Mayhem: rioting, bank robbery, terrorism attack, after school chaos,
demonstrations, protests…etc<br />
<br />
Cost--$30.00<br />
<br />
Students are allowed to request their own custom-made Glass Bottles by stating
their preferred catastrophes, calamities, disasters, mayhem, panic, chaos and
pandemonium.<br />
Order now to receive 20% discount.<br />
Buy 3 cartons to receive free Lau Sai Casket membership card and 1 bottle of
Sia Sin Wei Armpit flavor Xian Dan (immortal pill) free.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>By Duck Medium</b></span></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-74053413341183409672013-06-12T21:29:00.001-07:002013-06-12T21:29:21.150-07:00Announcements at UOE (University Of Everything)<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><b>Announcements On UOE 20 January</b><br />
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1. All astronomy students please take note that there will be a field trip to
the inner Solar System next week. Please be reminded the school will not be
responsible for being scorched, burnt, corroded or chilled to death as a result
of this trip.<br />
<br />
2. For all biology students, a hide & seek and scavenger hunt will be held
at Botanic Gardens. Please read up on plant taxonomy or you will get lost in
the gardens. The university will not be responsible for any missing student.<br />
<br />
3. All students are required to assemble in the Great Hall today to listen to
Miss Piggy for 1 hour. You can do anything you like except sleeping.
Love-making is not recommended but allowed.<br />
<br />
4. All students are encouraged not to drink from the water cooler as starting
from tomorrow; chemicals will be added to the water cooler. Chemistry students
are required to test for the following ions:<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>ANIONS</b>: Cyanide, dichromate (VI), manganate(VII), sulphate ,sulphite, nitrate,
nitrite, halide ions and phosphate<br />
<br />
<b>CATIONS</b>: Sodium, lithium, potassium, beryllium, magnesium, calcium, barium,
aluminium, silver, mercury (I) & (II) and the rest of the transition metal
ions of scandium, titanium, vanadium, chromium, manganese, iron, cobalt,
nickel, copper, zinc<br />
<br />
<b>FUNCTIONAL GROUPS</b>: alcohol, phenol, carboxylic acid, carbonyl<br />
<br />
A copy of Encyclopedia Chemica will be awarded to the student who can identify
the most chemicals correctly.<br />
<br />
5. Swear words are now forbidden in UOE. People who are caught saying swear
words will be fined $200.<br />
<br />
6. History students please note that we have invited the following historical
persons by our afterlife portals for an exchange sessions this Friday from
1-6pm. The historical figures are Hitler Stalin Harry Truman, Leon Trotsky,
Empress Dowager Cixi, Sun Yat Sen ,Yuan Shi Kai , Li Hong Zhang</span></div>
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P.S Students are warned there may be a slugfest occurring in this talk<br />
<br />
<b>By: SSW</b></span></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-73766164261862928772013-06-12T21:27:00.003-07:002013-06-12T21:27:49.745-07:00Bala Stella School<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">---------------------------------------------</span></div>
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<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
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medium</span></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-90345891479273678132013-06-12T21:27:00.001-07:002013-06-12T21:27:30.188-07:00Critters Cuisine<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">BY
CRITTERS CONNOISSEUR WHISKIE</span></b></div>
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there is no new dishes of Critters Crusine being invented as the Critter
Connoisseur itself got banned from human contact by its lady boss and landlady,
Princess Mutabak. In order not to dissapoint and boil..oops...i mean bore its
customers and patrons with the same old menu, the Connoisseur have finally
taken a greater step to invent more stomach-turning dishes. By venturing into
the imperial sewers, gallows, torture chamber and rubbish dump, new ingredients
are available for Whiskie to whip up new Crusines!</span></div>
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Smoothie</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">mainly
made of iced sewer waters, mixed with a little toilet water and rain water for
a refreshing effect. The mixture is then added to sewer slime, rat and
cockroach and then blended together to create a thick greenish-brown stuff with
the attractive stench of the sewers.</span></div>
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to top your smoothie with Madame Butterfly's buttered flies.</span></div>
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Smoothie will only have iced sewer water, toilet water, rain water and drain
water without any extra ingredients. (for vegetarians and monks)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">small--$1.90
medium--$2.60 large--$3.50</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Hamsters,
rats, guinea pig and squirrels are nicely beheaded and blended together with
plenty of diabetic sugar, sugar cane and rock sugar. The other ingredients are
fermented flour, fungus, algae and slime are specially prepared with a secret
receipe then baked to a slimy jelliness and left to cool and decompose futhur
to bring out the taste. After which the blended rodent mixture is applied and
the whole product is kept in liquid nitrogen to keep houseflies and other pest
away and to maintain the product's freshness.</span></div>
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and rats freshly caught by the Critter Connoisseur itself to ensure high
quality of the product. They are then diced and stir fried with nightshade and
venus flytrap in date expired soya sauce and rotten oyster sauce. The dish is
then completed with a dash of roasted piranha brains and thick BBQed Ticks n
Lice sauce.</span></div>
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and centipedes which are freshly imported from Allopia and Bala Stella, are
finely chopped to even pieces and are soaked in drain water overnight to absorb
its essence. They are then stewed in sewer and rain water broth , which was
secretly concocted by the Critter itself in the dead of the night to prevent
its secret from leaking out, together with 8 types of critters and 5 kind of
plants and 3 type of spices. This mysterious soup have a clear sick-green
colour with tasty chunks of flies, wilted plants and bloated pieces of mili n
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dish amongst the people of Freaktopia who are celebrating New Year. This
expensive dish is make from the best and freshest ingredients money cannot buy.
The Mangosteen Buddhas, in the Mutabak Palace Garden are harvested once a year,
are flung onto walls to pulverise them. The crushed fruits are then feed to the
houseflies and maggots to speed up the decomposition rate and also to obtain
the delicious saliva of housefly and maggots. The rotten fruits, together with
cockroaches, houseflies, maggots, rodents, snakes, termites and lizards are
stewed in bird flu infected crow's blood, panadol, laxatives and cough syrup.</span></div>
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Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-8774679056113943822013-06-12T21:26:00.005-07:002013-06-12T21:26:44.504-07:00Allopia and Bala Stella <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">ANNOUNCEMENTS</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">-----------------------------------</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This
afternoon, all gym lessons will be cancelled due to extreme dead guy in the
locker.</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Whoever
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<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Swim Team,
please note that practice for this afternoon will be cancelled as the Biology
students will be releasing their newly created Mutant Piranhas. Swim at your
own risk.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">All
students are once again reminded by the long-winded Principal Sushi Ho that you
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Fourth
year students going to University of Everything are not allowed to venture
outside the school compounds without a spacesuit or risk suffocation or simply
be sucked out to the nearest black hole. Students are also to stay clear of the
Labs and Gardens, or lose both limbs and life.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Students
taking Ritualogy are to collect your corpses from the school's morgue. You are
not allowed to reanimate your dead bodies in case they are infected with mad
corpse disease.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The Chinology
Students will be performing a funeral funds raising concert this evening in LT
5, a $500 admission will be charged. They will be performing the Heart Sutra
(Kwan Yin Remix), Diamond Sutra (hard rock version) and The Funeral March
(techno).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The
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lians, Ah Bengs and other vainpots and peacocks from hogging the mirrors. The
mirrors will explode 5 minutes after viewing and the shards will fly and embed
themseles in the flesh of the viewer, so as to futhur enhance their exterior
beauty. Passerbys and innocents hurt in the process will not be insured by Lau
Sai Insurance as their policy do not cover:"being in the wrong place at
the wrong time" as well as "stupid enough not to scram from obvious
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mr
Swimming Instructor, you are not allowed to hang your students in the desert to
dry after swimming lessons. Any students combusting spontaneously will be all
your fault. you will be expected to pay the bill!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">From 1
Feburary 2006, there will be electricity and water rationing on every monday
afternoon 2 pm to 4 pm, as anyone want to use the electric furnitures or water
chambers are free to do so without causing the school to have power failures or
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Teachers
are warned not to provoke students in the Advanced Psychology Faculty as any
slight irritation will result in huge bloodshed, gore and multiple deaths.
Provocations are to be done at your leisure time at desserted corridors to
minimise damage and insurance costs.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Lately
there is someone or something that had been breaking into students dorms and
taking their nude photos. Sushi Ho suspect it is some Criminology Students
doing some last minute blackmailing assignments. She is warning that any
lateness in handing up assignments will result in detention with Miss French,
the She-Mantis, or cleaning Bunnicula's cage.</span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The
school's Choir is looking for students who can produce glass-shattering High
C's or able to produce hypnotic Siren effects to join the SYF competition.
Banshee screech, Witch cackle or Mad Scientist Laughter are also in demand.
Sign up now or regret a life time!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">By Duck
Medium</span></b></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-16015780704949862172013-06-12T21:26:00.003-07:002013-06-12T21:26:23.873-07:00Beauty Times Issue 1<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; mso-outline-level: 3;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 13.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 21.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Kanenabo</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">"Coz
I look like shit."</span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 15.5pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 11.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Japan's
renowned household cosmetics brand is set to take Sinkapula by storm!</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">No
girls need to look like shit anymore!!!</span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Cosmetics
giant Kanenabo is importing its brand of beauty products over to the sunny
island of Sinkapula next month. Make-up crazy girls can soon go ga-ga over the
wide range of innovative and fanciful products which are never seen before in
Sinkapula. Prices are in the range from 'dirt-cheap' to 'outrageous' to
'daylight robbery'. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Kanenabo
spokesperson Miss Kana Sai said in a press conference prior to the announcement
of Kanenabo's branching of business to Sinkapula,"I swear by Kanenabo.
Kanenabo products are really fab. My favourite is the
sparkly-electrocuting-seductive range. Guaranteed to help you attract your
crush. My beau, Mr Kanina Kana (ousted contestant of Martial Arts Competition
2005) told me he was attracted to me at first sight. Because I was wearing
Kanenabo make-up!"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Kanenabo
takes pride in its cutting-edge technologies in developing high-quality
products and its dedication to beautifying women everywhere, regardless of age,
race or religion. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Under the
Animal Protection Policy, Kanenabo products are NOT tried or tested on animals.
Free samples are given to kiasu and cheapskate women and the results are then
analyzed by scientists and dermatologists of Kanenabo Labs.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">The first
Kanenabo shop in Sinkapula is announced to be launched at Wispa Atria on 25th
February tentatively. </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Reported
by Urban Geek</span></b></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-31184921185931951432013-06-12T21:19:00.002-07:002013-06-12T21:19:42.354-07:00Jokes In College <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Alo Everyone!</div>
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Here are jokes that I amassed while experiencing a college life!</span></div>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Mathematics is very simple - it's just the numerous
concepts and questions that make it difficult.</span></li>
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<li class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto; tab-stops: list 36.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">If you could not be bothered with the wide scope of
activites made available to you should you take this subject, then you
might consider taking this subject for its additional bonus points for
university admission. If you could not be bothered with University, then
dont go to college!</span></li>
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of free time - ah! I will tell you about the time when I was in
University...</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">BioHazard Scientist</span></div>
Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-90607459054974660542011-09-18T01:16:00.001-07:002011-09-18T01:21:40.901-07:00News Flash! - New transport system in the works<style>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB">As the roads of Freaktopia remain hopelessly jammed for 24 hours every day, the Land Transport Authority (LTA) decided to explore a new transport system that makes use of Freaktopia's extremely new, well-connected, state-of-the-art, effective and efficient sewage system. It is collaborating with the National Environment Agency on matters such as sewage network and waste systems; Royal Urban University of Mutabak on transport system engineering and management; Unknown University on issues such as unknown statistics and probable tragedies and with Allopia Spy School on Computer Systems and Security. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB">This new transport system will allow commuters to do away with waiting for buses or trains, congestions and accidents as all they need to do are - don wetsuits and oxygen tanks, tap their ez-link card on the card reader installed on their toilet bowl's water cistern, say their destination clearly to the computer, and flush themselves to their destinations. The LTA has had considerable success at the experimental stage though all of its elderly passengers perished in the process as the computer was unable to process their destination and hence they spent days circulating the entirety of Freaktopia's sewage network until they suffocated and had to be fished out by the NEA. Furthermore, four had died from cardiac arrest as they were flushed at speeds of 160-180km/h and all of its obese passengers got stuck midway and had to be rescued. Besides the occasional death, the LTA is pleased with the project's progress and excellent results.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB">"I feel that this new way of travelling is going to take over the conventional way of travelling on land. The roads of Freaktopia are polluted with speed cameras, traffic polices, speed limits, ERP gantries, traffic lights, zebra crossings and humps every 2 meters. Vehicles could only travel at 5mm/h. With the new Sewage Transport, commuters can travel at literally breakneck speeds and reach their destination early or on time!" said the Minster for Land Development and Transport. A member of the public said "however, people can get stuck in the sewage pipe or die if the pipe explode like what happened to Thangs the last time." </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB">Though the unsanitary way of travelling is most likely to be a hit with the busy population of Freaktopia, the hygiene and fashionable segments are concerned as this will pollute the air with unbearable stench and mess up the hair and makeup they had taken great pains to do up. Car dealers and manufacturers are worried as they might go bankrupt and are starting to dabble in flying carpet, teleportation and sewage transport technologies and its nuances. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB">Whether the new Sewage Transport System will yield good results or be a flush in the bowl will be determined by how congested the pipes can be with both humans and waste matter fighting for space. Seriously, can a boring and puke-inducing sight of faeces and urine trump the beautiful city scene with the occasional motor vehicle versus pedestrian tragedy?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><i><span lang="EN-GB">Reported by Roasted Duck Medium Rare </span></i></div>Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-38726255910356671842011-09-18T01:15:00.000-07:002011-09-18T01:25:56.119-07:00News Flash! - Transportation woes<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">For the past month, the Land Transport Authority (LTA) and the Freaktopian Prime Minister has been futilely pledging more resources to increase the number of vehicles and trips during peak and off-peak periods to ease the never-ceasing human congestion and facilitate faster travels with fewer tantrums thrown during the frustratingly long 30-second wait for the next taxi, bus or train. Despite the efforts made and money wasted, the smooth transport plan envisioned by the universe was not proceeding according to plan as yesterday, countless catastrophic public transport-related disasters erupted all over Freaktopia like the Black Death.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">According to the Freakstimes newsroom, the first accident was reported by a blind eye witness at 5am, the first bus service for the day, when a deranged-looking female Prata national produced a chainsaw out of nowhere and began mowing down passengers who were pushing and shoving to get on the first bus. "All I know is that I smell Prata, Tosai, Mutabaks, Fruits, Vegetables and heard the buzzing roar of a chainsaw! The next thing I know is I smelled spilled fillings, juice and curry and heard lots of screaming!" said the witness before being ran over by a speeding unlicensed unicycle as he proceeded to cross the road unaided.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Just moments later at 5.01am, the Mutabakian Police Department alerted the Freakstimes that annoyed passengers on bus service 666 had decided to take the overcrowding situation into their own hands by opening windows and tossing excessive passengers out of the numerous openings by the side of the public transport vehicle. However, the situation deteriorated as they proceeded to dump each other out of the windows and doors. Unceremoniously evicted passengers found themselves lethally smashing onto curbs, falling off 12-stories high highways or being mowed over by speeding lorries on the expressway.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">According to satellite imaging, approximately 66,000 miles long of the road was plastered or littered with body parts of various parts, shapes and sizes. The LTA rejected the National Environment Agency's (NEA) plea to clean up the mess. The reason is that cleaning up would either add more people and/or vehicles to the 24 hour constantly jammed roads of Freaktopia and this would cause citizens to sell their luxury cars in favour of heavy duty lorries and trucks, military tanks or bulldozers to combat lesser puny motor vehicles on the road. An LTA official said this situation would most definitely cause serious administrative problems like having to come up with coupons, parking lots, COE and ERP (Electronic Road Pricing) for such big vehicles.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Fortunately, the mayhem affected the train service as well. The Freaktopian Mess Rabid Transport (MRT) reported over 97531 cases of passengers being bisected or have limbs torn off by the trains' doors or safety gates. 99.9% of the casualties bled to death as they refused medical aid in a valiant attempt to reach work on time. Due to the countless severed body parts, the trains' doors malfunctioned. Majority of the passengers suffered from fractured extremities as they tried to break down the doors and alight. In addition, several lost their lives as frustrated commuters vented their anger on one another and on the service operators.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">The overcrowding on buses was so bad that passengers had to sit on the laps or cling onto the necks and waists of the bus captains. Earlier this year, the Land Transport Authority had removed all seats from buses and trains, set up signs encouraging passengers to contort themselves to save space on the public transport and installed handrails on the top, sides and bottom of buses and trains just to accommodate more travellers. However, the LTA removed the undercarriage handrails as all of the passengers under the bus fractured their spines and skull whenever the vehicle goes over a hump.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">A Health Ministry official commented that the sky-high fatality rate will overwork medical professionals to the brink of insanity and/or suicide. Professor Lao Zi, Head of Unknown University's Economics and Home Economics, speculated that there will be a severe shortage of coffins, priests, funeral equipments and personnel, crematoriums and columbarium space and it will cause the prices to rocket and inflate beyond affordability as suppliers will seize the chance to earn 10,000% profit from the catastrophes. He advised families to pick up carpentry and funerary skills so that they can D.I.Y funeral rites and burial for their deceased.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">When contacted by the Freakstimes, the LTA said it might legalise flying carpets, teleportation and extend the ERP to non-motor vehicles like unicycles, bicycles and tricycles. At present, the LTA is collaborating with the NEA in researching and experimenting on a new revolutionary sewage transport system.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>Reported by Duck Medium and Freddy Ferrari</i></span></div>Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-58810375099662920762011-09-13T06:26:00.000-07:002011-09-13T06:26:04.338-07:00Special Feature - Grim University Hospital<div align="center" class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span lang="EN-GB"><br />
</span></div><div class="ecxMsoNormal"><b><span lang="EN-GB">Introduction</span></b></div><div class="ecxMsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB"></span></div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB"></span></div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB"><span></span>Grim University Hospital is the first and, at present, the only university hospital in the vast universe of Freaktopia. It was recently established by the Freaktopian Health Ministry to combat the "constant outbreaks of unusual maladies, improve the disastrous health conditions of its inhabitants, and strengthen and expand the medical knowledge and skills of the medical staff through rigorous research and training". </span></div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB">As compared to the deplorable state that Freak Tock Seng Hospital and other general hospitals are in, Grim University Hospital stands at zero stories high, with 89 basements, 1,000 incompetent doctors and 1,444 careless and ill-tempered nurses. In addition to the usual clinical departments found in all other mundane hospitals, the university hospital is proud to have new departments such as the Spiritual and Paranormal clinics to service the possessed, haunted and recently departed; Abnormal Practices to diagnose uncommon and rare diseases that have never even been heard of; Cuisine Surgery to treat food-related health problems such as Curry Intoxication, Herbal Soup Drowning, Popcorn Explosions, Overcooked injuries, Fruity Concussions (Papaya, durian, jackfruit, coconut and etc), Vegetosis (human biological mutation due to consumption of expired vegetables), USW (Utensils Stab Wounds) and Fast Food Addiction; Lethality, Catastrophes and Disasters (LCD) rooms are the equivalent of your accident and emergency rooms, just that the LCD deals with patients who are a danger to themselves and everyone around them; and many others.</span></div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><b><span lang="EN-GB">Staff and Facilities</span></b></div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB">The staff at Grim University Hospital are a sullen, sallow and ill-looking lot who pile on white make up, ICI Deluxe facial paint and plenty of black eyeliner, lipstick and mascara to provide a gothic and deathly professional vibe to visitors. In addition to being downright useless, hopeless and worthless, the hospital staff are hired based on their intensive love for death and disdain towards life and as such, patients are guaranteed to face their mortality as they struggle in vain to cling onto survival. </span></div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB">The cleaning personnel are terribly competent in creating clogged sinks, regurgitating toilets, dusty corridors and polluting the operating rooms. The public can also be rest assured of facing plenty of hypertensive frustrations when making inquiries or appointments over the phone as the administrators are never around and never pleased to serve the peoples' needs. In short, the magnificently mentally-challenged and brainless staff at Grim University Hospital can never be found elsewhere, for they are the dregs of society.</span></div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB">Grim University Hospital is built underground with the avoidance of nuclear warfare in mind, though it will be the first to collapse if there is an earthquake measuring 20.9 on the Richter scale. Located just 3,4567890 miles south of Mount Pra, 1,2345678 miles east of Mount Ro and 9,876543210 miles north of Mutabak Kingdom, Grim University Hospital is found deep beneath the earth, patients will be treated to a depressing view of compressed earth and the occasional fossilised dinosaur or buried skeleton. </span></div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB">With lifts travelling at the speed of light, patients, visitors and staff are all advised to buckle themselves securely or risk guaranteed death when the lift stops. The establishment also boasts 3 cafeterias, with 12 master chefs who cannot cook to save their lives and have absolutely no inkling of what decent food tastes like, to serve the most revoltingly-bland food that will even put the world-acclaimed hospital food to shame. </span></div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB">Priding itself in emergency treatment, the hospital has a helipad somewhere but nobody knows where it is except for the helipad itself. A multi-storey car park could also be found near the helipad and again nobody knows its location. Being the most accessible hospital, emergency patients are rest assured that they are more likely to perish in an ambulance than dying in the operating theatre. </span></div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB"><br />
</span></div><div class="ecxMsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-GB">Reported by: Duck Medium</span></div>Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-45866539465682921722011-09-12T20:13:00.001-07:002011-09-13T20:23:44.000-07:00News Flash - Sewage pipe burst in Thangs underground tunnel, downing thousands in excrement<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">FREAKSTIMES – In a series of unfortunate events that have befallen Freaktopia the past few months, the latest incident that brewed was the drowning of thousands of innocent shoppers in the Thangs underground tunnel when the sewage pipe burst. Kayporter Lily Li reports.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">According to the Sewage Maintenance Authority (SMA), the pipe had burst as a result of too much hard stools released by people in the Thangs Mall toilets which got stuck in the pipe, leading to severe blockage and thus the pipe eventually burst. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">The Kayporter contacted the Stools Sciences Authority (SSA) on the reason for this phenomenon. SSA Head of Sai Research said,”This phenomenon of an usually large volume of hard stools could be attributed to the rise in consumption of mooncakes recently. As you all know, mooncakes are very heaty and eating too much mooncakes can lead to hard stools.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">The Haze Monitoring Association (HMA) had an alternative opinion. HMA Director said,”Eating mooncakes will lead to hard stools? What rubbish! The cause is actually the haze from Indo-Asia! Haze from any other places would not cause hard stools. But if it comes from Indo-Asia, jialat!” However, he stopped short of revealing the exact reason. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">On further prompting by the ever-persistent Kayporter, the HMA Director said secretively,”You know what? The haze from Indo-Asia carries the essence of terrorism! Terrorism causes constipation!”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">After saying that the director scuttled off, possibly for fear of being targeted by the Al-Gebra terrorist group for revealing their secret. It turned out that the terrorist group intended to use haze as a weapon of mass destruction by causing widespread constipation. The burst pipe may only be just the beginning of a series of terrorist attacks by the much-feared Al-Gebra group. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">On a sidenote, the thousands who drowned in the excrement were all hauled off to the Jurong Island for burial and to be used as fertilizers. </div>Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-174363069159829978.post-54402418938610842732011-02-08T21:53:00.000-08:002011-02-25T00:10:18.435-08:00News Flash!!! Hang Ten Inc. Sets Up Business in Freaktopia<div style="text-align: center;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCIETKOj5N41UgFANg-majrUGXga0xxESKdClvaF4buEYcbocz-UL2LaUdqtGv6LOqMRqAn-wB0O99kT57vEF636kEsQBRE__J6s32Vdoh7ocqAAAq_0gh9Zw_Lekpz1o6lwEOf3Cw2-R2/s1600/hangten.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 324px; height: 259px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCIETKOj5N41UgFANg-majrUGXga0xxESKdClvaF4buEYcbocz-UL2LaUdqtGv6LOqMRqAn-wB0O99kT57vEF636kEsQBRE__J6s32Vdoh7ocqAAAq_0gh9Zw_Lekpz1o6lwEOf3Cw2-R2/s400/hangten.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571568339071931058" border="0" /></a></span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-size:100%;" >The Execution Professionals</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><br /></span><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: italic;font-size:100%;" >Freaktopia -</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> The Freaktopia Penitentiary executioners have long been overworked. As a result of the recent spurt in the number of prisoners being given the death sentence, the number of executions they have to carry out daily has become even far more than what the number of executioners available at the Penitentiary can handle. The straw that broke the camel's back (camel was immediately sent to the Freaktopian Animal Hospital) when the electric chair used to administer the electrocution sentence broke down and the executioners had to resort to manual flogging to beat the deathrow inmates to death. This resulted in even greater fatigue for the executioners, some of whom broke their backs in the process and had to be sent to the same hospital as the camel. Meanwhile, the prisoners are accumulating as the rate of inflow of prisoners exceeds the rate of prisoners executed. The Penitentiary has been reduced to a chaotic mess as the prisoners wreaked havoc every day, driving 50% of the wardens to madness and 45% to suicide. The remaining 5% are threatening to quit.<br /><br />In a bid to tackle this pressing issue, the Ministry has decided to outsource the executions to Hang Ten Inc., a professional execution organization. The 10-year contract is reported to be worth $10 billion. "We are pleased to be able to work with the Ministry, to utilize our expertise in carrying out executions to serve the country. We have been around since 100B.M. (Before Murtabaks) so you can trust us to execute our executions efficiently and painlessly...well, more or less." Said Mr Lau Sai, who was previously the CEO of Lau Sai Funeral Services Company.<br /><br />Hang Ten is a publicly-listed company with about 2000 employees, including 1000 professionally trained executioners. The executioners have been painstakingly headhunted and scouted from around the world, including the other realm, to ensure that only the best and most talented ones are hired for the highly-challenging job. The criteria include: must be at least 8 foot tall, weigh at least 150kg, able to wield a 100kg executioner sword, able to carry 10 men etc. Executioners are paid a salary of $100,000 per month. Their services are in high demand throughout Freaktopia and the Other Realm, which have plenty of dispensable human beings to kill off. According to the HR manager, the next hiring round will be in 2015.<br /><br />The menu of execution services are detailed below, divided into the traditional and non-traditional categories. Judges can now enjoy a much wider and exciting range of execution methods to choose from to bestow on the doomed criminals.<br /><br /></span> <style>@font-face { font-family: "Courier New"; }@font-face { font-family: "Wingdings"; }@font-face { font-family: "MS 明朝"; }@font-face { font-family: "MS 明朝"; }@font-face { font-family: "Calibri"; }@font-face { font-family: "Cambria"; }p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal { margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: Cambria; }p.MsoListParagraph, li.MsoListParagraph, div.MsoListParagraph { margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 36pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: Cambria; }p.MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst, li.MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst, div.MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst { margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt 36pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: Cambria; }p.MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle, li.MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle, div.MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle { margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt 36pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: Cambria; }p.MsoListParagraphCxSpLast, li.MsoListParagraphCxSpLast, div.MsoListParagraphCxSpLast { margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 36pt; font-size: 12pt; font-family: Cambria; }.MsoChpDefault { font-family: Cambria; }.MsoPapDefault { margin-bottom: 10pt; }div.WordSection1 { page: WordSection1; }ol { margin-bottom: 0cm; }ul { margin-bottom: 0cm; }</style> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b><u>Traditional Methods</u></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Proven techniques of execution which have been passed down over the millennia, these are sure-fire, moron-proof, economical and efficient ways to deliver death-inducing punishments on the death-row inmates.<br /><br /><b>1. Hanging</b></span> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b>Description:</b> </span><span style="font-size:100%;"> Just like what you see in hangman, the prisoner is sent to the gallows and hung. Death is quick and clean.<br /><b>Gore Level: </b></span> <span style="font-size:100%;">0/10<br /><b><br />2. Electrocution</b></span> </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b><br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b>Description: </b></span> <span style="font-size:100%;">Prisoner sits on an electric chair. A high voltage is passed through the prisoner's body, forcefully expelling his soul from his physical body. A series of higher voltages can be administered for more exciting effects. For instance, at maximum voltage, the body will be burned to a charred crisp (suitable for use in bbq parties).<br /><b>Gore level: </b></span> <span style="font-size:100%;">0-5/10</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">3. Shooting</b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Description: </b>Various guns or rifles, and even a cannon are available to choose from. Depending on the type of gun, a single shot or multiple shots may be required. Trigger-happy mode is also available but at an extra charge of $10,000. </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Gore level:</b> depends on the type of guns and bullets. 1 – 9/10.<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">4. Decapitation</b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Description:</b> There are many choices of swords, knifes, choppers, parangs, etc to choose from, providing different styles of cut.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Gore level:</b> 6/10</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""> </b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><u>Unholy Methods</u></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><u><br /></u></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">Executioners from the Other Realm are hired for this category of execution methods.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">However, exorcists are needed to send back the executioners after the task is over, which can get pretty messy.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">1. Possession<br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">A priest is required to summon a vengeful and bloodthirsty spirit to possess the inmate, which the forceful spiritual possession will cause the prisoner’s neck to twist 360° like in the Exorcist. The spirit may be asked to carry out the following acrobatic stunts: </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">A) Projectile vomiting until body is drier than the Sahara Desert</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">B) Twisting the body like a pretzel</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">C) Self mutilation by breaking bones one by one</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">D) Smashing head into the wall until the cranium is plastered on the wall like wallpaper.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Note: </span>alternatively, the priest can choose to simply exorcise the inmate’s soul from his body and destroy it via Exorcism.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Gore Factor:</b> 7/10 -9/10 depending on cooperativeness and creativity of the summoned spirit</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><u>Karma Executions</u></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><u><br /></u></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">1</span><b style="">. Acts of God</b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">In contrast with the execution option of Divine Punishment which sought the help of God to dispose of the human scumbag, this execution method simply plays on the inmate’s karma, just desserts and designation retribution by the twisted Fate.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">A) Slipped to death (choose from a wide selection of surfaces like: lethally soapy bathroom floor, ice rink, oil coated stairs, frictionless marble floor)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">B) Pushed into the way of a speeding funeral hearse</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">C) Crushed to death by a falling grossly overweight suicide victim</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">D) Becoming a victim of a suicide bomber in the Off-Middle East</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">E) Decapitated by fan blade</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">F) Falling into a wood chipper or mincing machine</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">G) Locked in a freezer (sub-zero temperature)/furnace (hot enough to melt steel)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">H) Bleed to death from a deep cut on the neck when shaving</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">I) Trapped in a lift falling from 999<sup>th</sup> storey to basement 1</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">J) Knocked unconscious by falling showerhead and landing face first into a basin full of water </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">K) Natural expiration<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Note: </span>judge can pray to God for other Acts of God not specified in the list. Additional legal fees and taxes will be billed to the prosecuting party.<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><u>Conventional Executions</u></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><u><br /></u></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">A) Starvation - good money-saving method<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">B) Exhaustion resulting from slave labour - excellent way to leverage on doomed prisoners to help build the Great Wall of Chikila in Kootupura<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">C) Hanging from the Cliff of Mount Pra by the nail’s edge of the inmate’s broken appendage and limb (can choose to hang from toe, tongue, teeth or hair)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">D) Iron Maiden (thickness and length of spikes can be changed)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">E) Suffocation (pillow, bolster, mattress, artificial breasts, ass, elephant, rhinoceros or other assorted safari animals)<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">F) Placed under an extra-large magnifying glass on a fine and insanely hot day - great for science practical lessons for grade 6 kids</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><u>New Patented Execution Methods (Promotion! 5% off)</u></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><u><span style="text-decoration: none;"><br /></span></u></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">1. Flogging<br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Note:</span> prisoner will be injected with substances that will heighten their sense of pain</span></p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -18pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="">-<span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;font-size:7pt;" > </span></span>Choose from a wide selection of objects to be flogged with:</span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">A) Military alloy baseball bat<br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">B) Furniture (metal chair, banquet table, metallic library shelves, computers, TVs, stoves, ovens)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">C) Tools (screwdrivers, hammers, mallets, ladders)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">D) Whip with electrified barbed wire</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">E) Er Mei Bitch Slap technique x 100000 times</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Gore level:</b> different options result in different gore levels and time taken to kill the prisoner, though death is 100% guaranteed. Option of flogging can be chosen by either the judge or victim.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">2. Cooking<br /></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">A) Burnt at the stake (Salem-style or Silent Hill style)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">B) Deep fried</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">C) Boiled/ steamed </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">D) Microwaved</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">E) Barbequed</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">F) Others: executioners can call up chefs at Critters Connoisseur Cuisine to seek advice on more cooking methods to send their prisoners off.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Note:</b> all options will have the end result given to Fijians to enjoy. The judge may order Fijians to carry out the cooking execution and charge them with the duty to dispose the leftovers.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Gore level:</b> option A will provide the most satisfaction to sadists and victims alike.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">3. Divine punishments</b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">This form of execution requires priests from Saint Murtabak Church to pray for the inmate’s obliteration via God’s divine wrath.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">A) Struck by lightning storms </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">B) Spontaneous human combustion/death via heat wave (latter is slower and more torturous)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">C) Cardiac arrest </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">D) Swallowed up by earthquake</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">E) Frozen to death</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">F) Crushed by avalanche/landslide</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">G) Traffic Accident (hit by speeding unicycle, bicycle, tricycle, trishaw, motorbike, car, van, ambulance, lorry, truck, concrete mixer, crane carrier, train, falling plane and all of the above)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">H) Decimated by falling meteor</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">4. Military executions</b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">A) Thrown off Mount Pra’s summit naked (Mt Pra height: 99999999999 feet)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">B) Thrown off fighter jet naked (from the stratosphere)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">C) Dangling off the tail of a fighter jet by a rope and dragged over the Hombalaya Mountain range until inmate becomes an unrecognizable mass of pulverized meat splattered over the geological feature</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">D) Mowed down by speeding tank and tank reversed over corpse by “accident” several times</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">E) Firing squad firing at point blank (choose gun of your choice)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">F) Decapitation (with butter knife, plastic birthday cake knife, tea spoon or dessert fork)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">G) Dismemberment (5 horse dismemberment, giant squid dismemberment, 5 cars dismemberment, 5 victim dismemberment, self dismemberment with a penknife</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">H) Electrocution (light up like a Christmas tree)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">I) Drowning (in debts and bills, sewage water, rainwater, drain water, saliva, dishwater, contaminated water, stagnant water, tonic water, toxic water or distilled water)</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">J) Stuffed into a torpedo launch tube and fired at Mount Ro with maximum force </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">K) Packed into a nuclear missile with 5000kg of nitro glycerin and fired at the HQ of Al Thosai Terrorist Corporation Inter-dimensional (explosion can be seen from the Butterfly Nebula).</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">L) Locked in a shed loaded with :</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -18pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="">- </span>Firecrackers</span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -18pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">- Barrels of gunpowder</span></p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -18pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">- Tanks of leaking methane gas</span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -18pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="">- </span>Dynamites</span></p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -18pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style=""><span style="font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal; font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal;font-size:7pt;" ><span style="font-size:100%;">-</span></span></span>Grenades</span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -18pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><span style="">- </span>Military grade nitro glycerin</span></p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -18pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">- Nuclear missiles</span></p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt; text-indent: -18pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">M) Locked in a bigger shed with all of the above incendiaries</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""> </b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">Note:</b> please press the detonator from a safe distance. Hang Ten Inc. will not be responsible for any loss of limb, body parts, sanity, bodily functions or life. Explosion will result in a crater as big as the moon.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt 72pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style="">5. Mutabak Executions</b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""><br /></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><b style=""> </b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">A) Dissected alive by scalpel-wielding toddlers at Woodbridge Childcare</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">B) Experimented on by Immortal SSW</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">C) Sent to Royal Urban University of Mutabak/ Allopia Spy School/ Unknown University as live specimen for Practical Execution module.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">D) Tortured to insanity then death by royal canine, Whiskey</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">E) Used by Duck Medium or High Summoner Uban Geek as a human sacrifice to calm/bribe the Mutabakian deities.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">F) Forced to watch Sadako’s cursed tape for 24h</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">G) Thrown into Kayako’s cursed home</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">H) Forced to take a swim in water tank with Mitsuko</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">I) Forced to carry Natre until spine and neck snap </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;font-family:arial;"><span style="font-size:100%;">J) Force fed with unrefined Duck Matter</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" face="arial" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;"><span style="font-size:100%;">K) Berated into suicide by combined naggings of Queen Cheaporella and Queen Mutabak</span></p> <span style="font-size:100%;"><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Reported by: Urban Geek and Duck Medium</span><br /></span></div></div>Urban Geekhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12383160712659992895noreply@blogger.com0