News Flash! - Transportation woes

For the past month, the Land Transport Authority (LTA) and the Freaktopian Prime Minister has been futilely pledging more resources to increase the number of vehicles and trips during peak and off-peak periods to ease the never-ceasing human congestion and facilitate faster travels with fewer tantrums thrown during the frustratingly long 30-second wait for the next taxi, bus or train. Despite the efforts made and money wasted, the smooth transport plan envisioned by the universe was not proceeding according to plan as yesterday, countless catastrophic public transport-related disasters erupted all over Freaktopia like the Black Death.

According to the Freakstimes newsroom, the first accident was reported by a blind eye witness at 5am, the first bus service for the day, when a deranged-looking female Prata national produced a chainsaw out of nowhere and began mowing down passengers who were pushing and shoving to get on the first bus. "All I know is that I smell Prata, Tosai, Mutabaks, Fruits, Vegetables and heard the buzzing roar of a chainsaw! The next thing I know is I smelled spilled fillings, juice and curry and heard lots of screaming!" said the witness before being ran over by a speeding unlicensed unicycle as he proceeded to cross the road unaided.

Just moments later at 5.01am, the Mutabakian Police Department alerted the Freakstimes that annoyed passengers on bus service 666 had decided to take the overcrowding situation into their own hands by opening windows and tossing excessive passengers out of the numerous openings by the side of the public transport vehicle. However, the situation deteriorated as they proceeded to dump each other out of the windows and doors. Unceremoniously evicted passengers found themselves lethally smashing onto curbs, falling off 12-stories high highways or being mowed over by speeding lorries on the expressway.

According to satellite imaging, approximately 66,000 miles long of the road was plastered or littered with body parts of various parts, shapes and sizes. The LTA rejected the National Environment Agency's (NEA) plea to clean up the mess. The reason is that cleaning up would either add more people and/or vehicles to the 24 hour constantly jammed roads of Freaktopia and this would cause citizens to sell their luxury cars in favour of heavy duty lorries and trucks, military tanks or bulldozers to combat lesser puny motor vehicles on the road. An LTA official said this situation would most definitely cause serious administrative problems like having to come up with coupons, parking lots, COE and ERP (Electronic Road Pricing) for such big vehicles.

Fortunately, the mayhem affected the train service as well. The Freaktopian Mess Rabid Transport (MRT) reported over 97531 cases of passengers being bisected or have limbs torn off by the trains' doors or safety gates. 99.9% of the casualties bled to death as they refused medical aid in a valiant attempt to reach work on time. Due to the countless severed body parts, the trains' doors malfunctioned. Majority of the passengers suffered from fractured extremities as they tried to break down the doors and alight. In addition, several lost their lives as frustrated commuters vented their anger on one another and on the service operators.

The overcrowding on buses was so bad that passengers had to sit on the laps or cling onto the necks and waists of the bus captains. Earlier this year, the Land Transport Authority had removed all seats from buses and trains, set up signs encouraging passengers to contort themselves to save space on the public transport and installed handrails on the top, sides and bottom of buses and trains just to accommodate more travellers. However, the LTA removed the undercarriage handrails as all of the passengers under the bus fractured their spines and skull whenever the vehicle goes over a hump.

A Health Ministry official commented that the sky-high fatality rate will overwork medical professionals to the brink of insanity and/or suicide. Professor Lao Zi, Head of Unknown University's Economics and Home Economics, speculated that there will be a severe shortage of coffins, priests, funeral equipments and personnel, crematoriums and columbarium space and it will cause the prices to rocket and inflate beyond affordability as suppliers will seize the chance to earn 10,000% profit from the catastrophes. He advised families to pick up carpentry and funerary skills so that they can D.I.Y funeral rites and burial for their deceased.

When contacted by the Freakstimes, the LTA said it might legalise flying carpets, teleportation and extend the ERP to non-motor vehicles like unicycles, bicycles and tricycles. At present, the LTA is collaborating with the NEA in researching and experimenting on a new revolutionary sewage transport system.

Reported by Duck Medium and Freddy Ferrari

Special Feature - Grim University Hospital

Introduction

Grim University Hospital is the first and, at present, the only university hospital in the vast universe of Freaktopia. It was recently established by the Freaktopian Health Ministry to combat the "constant outbreaks of unusual maladies, improve the disastrous health conditions of its inhabitants, and strengthen and expand the medical knowledge and skills of the medical staff through rigorous research and training". 

As compared to the deplorable state that Freak Tock Seng Hospital and other general hospitals are in, Grim University Hospital stands at zero stories high, with 89 basements, 1,000 incompetent doctors and 1,444 careless and ill-tempered nurses. In addition to the usual clinical departments found in all other mundane hospitals, the university hospital is proud to have new departments such as the Spiritual and Paranormal clinics to service the possessed, haunted and recently departed; Abnormal Practices to diagnose uncommon and rare diseases that have never even been heard of; Cuisine Surgery to treat food-related health problems such as Curry Intoxication, Herbal Soup Drowning, Popcorn Explosions, Overcooked injuries, Fruity Concussions (Papaya, durian, jackfruit, coconut and etc), Vegetosis (human biological mutation due to consumption of expired vegetables), USW (Utensils Stab Wounds) and Fast Food Addiction; Lethality, Catastrophes and Disasters (LCD) rooms are the equivalent of your accident and emergency rooms, just that the LCD deals with patients who are a danger to themselves and everyone around them; and many others.

Staff and Facilities

The staff at Grim University Hospital are a sullen, sallow and ill-looking lot who pile on white make up, ICI Deluxe facial paint and plenty of black eyeliner, lipstick and mascara to provide a gothic and deathly professional vibe to visitors. In addition to being downright useless, hopeless and worthless, the hospital staff are hired based on their intensive love for death and disdain towards life and as such, patients are guaranteed to face their mortality as they struggle in vain to cling onto survival. 

The cleaning personnel are terribly competent in creating clogged sinks, regurgitating toilets, dusty corridors and polluting the operating rooms. The public can also be rest assured of facing plenty of hypertensive frustrations when making inquiries or appointments over the phone as the administrators are never around and never pleased to serve the peoples' needs. In short, the magnificently mentally-challenged and brainless staff at Grim University Hospital can never be found elsewhere, for they are the dregs of society.

Grim University Hospital is built underground with the avoidance of nuclear warfare in mind, though it will be the first to collapse if there is an earthquake measuring 20.9 on the Richter scale. Located just 3,4567890 miles south of Mount Pra, 1,2345678 miles east of Mount Ro and 9,876543210 miles north of Mutabak Kingdom, Grim University Hospital is found deep beneath the earth, patients will be treated to a depressing view of compressed earth and the occasional fossilised dinosaur or buried skeleton. 

With lifts travelling at the speed of light, patients, visitors and staff are all advised to buckle themselves securely or risk guaranteed death when the lift stops. The establishment also boasts 3 cafeterias, with 12 master chefs who cannot cook to save their lives and have absolutely no inkling of what decent food tastes like, to serve the most revoltingly-bland food that will even put the world-acclaimed hospital food to shame. 

Priding itself in emergency treatment, the hospital has a helipad somewhere but nobody knows where it is except for the helipad itself. A multi-storey car park could also be found near the helipad and again nobody knows its location. Being the most accessible hospital, emergency patients are rest assured that they are more likely to perish in an ambulance than dying in the operating theatre. 

Reported by: Duck Medium

News Flash - Sewage pipe burst in Thangs underground tunnel, downing thousands in excrement

FREAKSTIMES – In a series of unfortunate events that have befallen Freaktopia the past few months, the latest incident that brewed was the drowning of thousands of innocent shoppers in the Thangs underground tunnel when the sewage pipe burst. Kayporter Lily Li reports.

According to the Sewage Maintenance Authority (SMA), the pipe had burst as a result of too much hard stools released by people in the Thangs Mall toilets which got stuck in the pipe, leading to severe blockage and thus the pipe eventually burst. 

The Kayporter contacted the Stools Sciences Authority (SSA) on the reason for this phenomenon. SSA Head of Sai Research said,”This phenomenon of an usually large volume of hard stools could be attributed to the rise in consumption of mooncakes recently. As you all know, mooncakes are very heaty and eating too much mooncakes can lead to hard stools.”

The Haze Monitoring Association (HMA) had an alternative opinion. HMA Director said,”Eating mooncakes will lead to hard stools? What rubbish! The cause is actually the haze from Indo-Asia! Haze from any other places would not cause hard stools. But if it comes from Indo-Asia, jialat!” However, he stopped short of revealing the exact reason. 

On further prompting by the ever-persistent Kayporter, the HMA Director said secretively,”You know what? The haze from Indo-Asia carries the essence of terrorism! Terrorism causes constipation!”

After saying that the director scuttled off, possibly for fear of being targeted by the Al-Gebra terrorist group for revealing their secret. It turned out that the terrorist group intended to use haze as a weapon of mass destruction by causing widespread constipation. The burst pipe may only be just the beginning of a series of terrorist attacks by the much-feared Al-Gebra group. 

On a sidenote, the thousands who drowned in the excrement were all hauled off to the Jurong Island for burial and to be used as fertilizers.

News Flash!!! Hang Ten Inc. Sets Up Business in Freaktopia

The Execution Professionals

Freaktopia - The Freaktopia Penitentiary executioners have long been overworked. As a result of the recent spurt in the number of prisoners being given the death sentence, the number of executions they have to carry out daily has become even far more than what the number of executioners available at the Penitentiary can handle. The straw that broke the camel's back (camel was immediately sent to the Freaktopian Animal Hospital) when the electric chair used to administer the electrocution sentence broke down and the executioners had to resort to manual flogging to beat the deathrow inmates to death. This resulted in even greater fatigue for the executioners, some of whom broke their backs in the process and had to be sent to the same hospital as the camel. Meanwhile, the prisoners are accumulating as the rate of inflow of prisoners exceeds the rate of prisoners executed. The Penitentiary has been reduced to a chaotic mess as the prisoners wreaked havoc every day, driving 50% of the wardens to madness and 45% to suicide. The remaining 5% are threatening to quit.

In a bid to tackle this pressing issue, the Ministry has decided to outsource the executions to Hang Ten Inc., a professional execution organization. The 10-year contract is reported to be worth $10 billion. "We are pleased to be able to work with the Ministry, to utilize our expertise in carrying out executions to serve the country. We have been around since 100B.M. (Before Murtabaks) so you can trust us to execute our executions efficiently and painlessly...well, more or less." Said Mr Lau Sai, who was previously the CEO of Lau Sai Funeral Services Company.

Hang Ten is a publicly-listed company with about 2000 employees, including 1000 professionally trained executioners. The executioners have been painstakingly headhunted and scouted from around the world, including the other realm, to ensure that only the best and most talented ones are hired for the highly-challenging job. The criteria include: must be at least 8 foot tall, weigh at least 150kg, able to wield a 100kg executioner sword, able to carry 10 men etc. Executioners are paid a salary of $100,000 per month. Their services are in high demand throughout Freaktopia and the Other Realm, which have plenty of dispensable human beings to kill off. According to the HR manager, the next hiring round will be in 2015.

The menu of execution services are detailed below, divided into the traditional and non-traditional categories. Judges can now enjoy a much wider and exciting range of execution methods to choose from to bestow on the doomed criminals.

Traditional Methods

Proven techniques of execution which have been passed down over the millennia, these are sure-fire, moron-proof, economical and efficient ways to deliver death-inducing punishments on the death-row inmates.

1. Hanging

Description: Just like what you see in hangman, the prisoner is sent to the gallows and hung. Death is quick and clean.
Gore Level: 0/10

2. Electrocution

Description: Prisoner sits on an electric chair. A high voltage is passed through the prisoner's body, forcefully expelling his soul from his physical body. A series of higher voltages can be administered for more exciting effects. For instance, at maximum voltage, the body will be burned to a charred crisp (suitable for use in bbq parties).
Gore level: 0-5/10

3. Shooting

Description: Various guns or rifles, and even a cannon are available to choose from. Depending on the type of gun, a single shot or multiple shots may be required. Trigger-happy mode is also available but at an extra charge of $10,000.

Gore level: depends on the type of guns and bullets. 1 – 9/10.

4. Decapitation

Description: There are many choices of swords, knifes, choppers, parangs, etc to choose from, providing different styles of cut.

Gore level: 6/10

Unholy Methods

Executioners from the Other Realm are hired for this category of execution methods.

However, exorcists are needed to send back the executioners after the task is over, which can get pretty messy.

1. Possession

A priest is required to summon a vengeful and bloodthirsty spirit to possess the inmate, which the forceful spiritual possession will cause the prisoner’s neck to twist 360° like in the Exorcist. The spirit may be asked to carry out the following acrobatic stunts:

A) Projectile vomiting until body is drier than the Sahara Desert

B) Twisting the body like a pretzel

C) Self mutilation by breaking bones one by one

D) Smashing head into the wall until the cranium is plastered on the wall like wallpaper.

Note: alternatively, the priest can choose to simply exorcise the inmate’s soul from his body and destroy it via Exorcism.

Gore Factor: 7/10 -9/10 depending on cooperativeness and creativity of the summoned spirit

Karma Executions

1. Acts of God

In contrast with the execution option of Divine Punishment which sought the help of God to dispose of the human scumbag, this execution method simply plays on the inmate’s karma, just desserts and designation retribution by the twisted Fate.

A) Slipped to death (choose from a wide selection of surfaces like: lethally soapy bathroom floor, ice rink, oil coated stairs, frictionless marble floor)

B) Pushed into the way of a speeding funeral hearse

C) Crushed to death by a falling grossly overweight suicide victim

D) Becoming a victim of a suicide bomber in the Off-Middle East

E) Decapitated by fan blade

F) Falling into a wood chipper or mincing machine

G) Locked in a freezer (sub-zero temperature)/furnace (hot enough to melt steel)

H) Bleed to death from a deep cut on the neck when shaving

I) Trapped in a lift falling from 999^th storey to basement 1

J) Knocked unconscious by falling showerhead and landing face first into a basin full of water

K) Natural expiration

Note: judge can pray to God for other Acts of God not specified in the list. Additional legal fees and taxes will be billed to the prosecuting party.

Conventional Executions

A) Starvation - good money-saving method

B) Exhaustion resulting from slave labour - excellent way to leverage on doomed prisoners to help build the Great Wall of Chikila in Kootupura

C) Hanging from the Cliff of Mount Pra by the nail’s edge of the inmate’s broken appendage and limb (can choose to hang from toe, tongue, teeth or hair)

D) Iron Maiden (thickness and length of spikes can be changed)

E) Suffocation (pillow, bolster, mattress, artificial breasts, ass, elephant, rhinoceros or other assorted safari animals)

F) Placed under an extra-large magnifying glass on a fine and insanely hot day - great for science practical lessons for grade 6 kids

New Patented Execution Methods (Promotion! 5% off)

1. Flogging

Note: prisoner will be injected with substances that will heighten their sense of pain

- Choose from a wide selection of objects to be flogged with:

A) Military alloy baseball bat

B) Furniture (metal chair, banquet table, metallic library shelves, computers, TVs, stoves, ovens)

C) Tools (screwdrivers, hammers, mallets, ladders)

D) Whip with electrified barbed wire

E) Er Mei Bitch Slap technique x 100000 times

Gore level: different options result in different gore levels and time taken to kill the prisoner, though death is 100% guaranteed. Option of flogging can be chosen by either the judge or victim.

2. Cooking

A) Burnt at the stake (Salem-style or Silent Hill style)

B) Deep fried

C) Boiled/ steamed

D) Microwaved

E) Barbequed

F) Others: executioners can call up chefs at Critters Connoisseur Cuisine to seek advice on more cooking methods to send their prisoners off.

Note: all options will have the end result given to Fijians to enjoy. The judge may order Fijians to carry out the cooking execution and charge them with the duty to dispose the leftovers.

Gore level: option A will provide the most satisfaction to sadists and victims alike.

3. Divine punishments

This form of execution requires priests from Saint Murtabak Church to pray for the inmate’s obliteration via God’s divine wrath.

A) Struck by lightning storms

B) Spontaneous human combustion/death via heat wave (latter is slower and more torturous)

C) Cardiac arrest

D) Swallowed up by earthquake

E) Frozen to death

F) Crushed by avalanche/landslide

G) Traffic Accident (hit by speeding unicycle, bicycle, tricycle, trishaw, motorbike, car, van, ambulance, lorry, truck, concrete mixer, crane carrier, train, falling plane and all of the above)

H) Decimated by falling meteor

4. Military executions

A) Thrown off Mount Pra’s summit naked (Mt Pra height: 99999999999 feet)

B) Thrown off fighter jet naked (from the stratosphere)

C) Dangling off the tail of a fighter jet by a rope and dragged over the Hombalaya Mountain range until inmate becomes an unrecognizable mass of pulverized meat splattered over the geological feature

D) Mowed down by speeding tank and tank reversed over corpse by “accident” several times

E) Firing squad firing at point blank (choose gun of your choice)

F) Decapitation (with butter knife, plastic birthday cake knife, tea spoon or dessert fork)

G) Dismemberment (5 horse dismemberment, giant squid dismemberment, 5 cars dismemberment, 5 victim dismemberment, self dismemberment with a penknife

H) Electrocution (light up like a Christmas tree)

I) Drowning (in debts and bills, sewage water, rainwater, drain water, saliva, dishwater, contaminated water, stagnant water, tonic water, toxic water or distilled water)

J) Stuffed into a torpedo launch tube and fired at Mount Ro with maximum force

K) Packed into a nuclear missile with 5000kg of nitro glycerin and fired at the HQ of Al Thosai Terrorist Corporation Inter-dimensional (explosion can be seen from the Butterfly Nebula).

L) Locked in a shed loaded with :

- Firecrackers

- Barrels of gunpowder

- Tanks of leaking methane gas

- Dynamites

-Grenades

- Military grade nitro glycerin

- Nuclear missiles

M) Locked in a bigger shed with all of the above incendiaries

Note: please press the detonator from a safe distance. Hang Ten Inc. will not be responsible for any loss of limb, body parts, sanity, bodily functions or life. Explosion will result in a crater as big as the moon.

5. Mutabak Executions

A) Dissected alive by scalpel-wielding toddlers at Woodbridge Childcare

B) Experimented on by Immortal SSW

C) Sent to Royal Urban University of Mutabak/ Allopia Spy School/ Unknown University as live specimen for Practical Execution module.

D) Tortured to insanity then death by royal canine, Whiskey

E) Used by Duck Medium or High Summoner Uban Geek as a human sacrifice to calm/bribe the Mutabakian deities.

F) Forced to watch Sadako’s cursed tape for 24h

G) Thrown into Kayako’s cursed home

H) Forced to take a swim in water tank with Mitsuko

I) Forced to carry Natre until spine and neck snap

J) Force fed with unrefined Duck Matter

K) Berated into suicide by combined naggings of Queen Cheaporella and Queen Mutabak

Reported by: Urban Geek and Duck Medium

Kung Fu Massage Parlour - New Services!!!

Due to overwhelming response (99% negative, 1% neutral) from the Freaktopian masses, the Kung Fu Massage Parlour is expanding, after only 3 days of launch of the new business. Exciting new services will be provided as follows, with the hiring of even more incompetent Kung Fu masters from exotic places such as the Mount Er Mei Mei, Wudung Temple, and the Ancient Cemetery on Mount Zhongnan.

Skill: Nine Yin White Bone Claw (unorthodox version)

Description: For customers suffering from chronic uncontrollable itching, the masseuse will utilise her long and unwashed fingernails to claw all the skin off the customer. Alternatively, if the customer desires to lose weight quickly, the masseuse will stab her toenails into the customer’s body and absorb the fats into her own body to be converted into inner energy to service the next customer.

Strength: 2/10

Suitable for: controllable itching, obesity

Side effects: permanent scarring, permanent loss of skin or death by mincing. For liposuction services, customers may 99.9% perish as the masseuse might suck him/her drier than the Sahara Desert.

Skill: Nine Yin White Bone Claw (orthodox version)

Description: The mistress will use her sharp fingernails to burst any acne or pimple on the customer’s face. Also, she will use the sharpness of her nails to dig out every single whitehead and blackhead that exist in the pores of the customer’s face.

Strength: 1/10

Suitable: outbreaks of acne or pimples. Permanent removal of heads

Side effects: accidental decapitation or disfigurement. Squeezing black and whiteheads carries the risk of severing major arteries on the head which may lead to death via haemorrhaging, coma or permanent brain damage.

Skill: Jiu Yang Shen Gong (Nine Sun Divine Skill)

Description: An expert in this martial art will stand under a baking desert sun and mix the heat with his burning internal energy. He then hits the customer hard on the back and channels the searing energy to dispel all chills and boosts the overall vitality to encourage regeneration and healing.

Suitable for: Frostbite patients, chills and other assorted maladies

Side effects: spontaneous combustion, permanent brain damage, accidental mummification via severe dehydration. Customers who survive the heat may undergo genetic mutation and develop mutant powers or sprout extra appendages and limbs. Temporary Jesus Syndrome may be experienced*.

Price: $9999 per 0.1°C

Skill: Iron Palms

Description: Using his iron-like palms which was developed over millennia by hitting Mount Ro, the Kung Fu mistress Qiu Qianren will viciously strike the customer in the various vital accupoints and joints. This will allow the pressure points to open and let the energy and clogged blood to flow.

Suitable for: paralyzed patients. Chronic lethargy or numbness

Side effects: smashed organs, utter destruction of skeleton and death

Cost: $999 per strike and additional $9999 for unblocking each acupoint

Skill: Toad Stance

Description: The master and creator of this skill, Ouyang Feng, will take on the stance of a toad that is preparing to leap to its death. Gathering his inner energy about his legs and palms, the master will leap with great force and hit the customer hard on the chest, back or stomach to dislodge whatever they want to be dislodged.

Suitable for: pregnant women experiencing difficult labour, abortion for unwanted pregnancies, induce vomiting for anorexics, conjoined twins and customers choking on fishballs or fish bones.

Side effects: customers may be flung off their beds/feet and smash into neighbouring customers or parlour walls. Ruptured organs may result. Customers may also be split apart should the master use excessive force.

*Extracted from WoodBridge Dictionary of Medicine

Jesus Syndrome is a temporary malady which causes the patient to grow a beard like Jesus and develop a fashion sense like the Holy Son. It was also observed that the patient will be able to perform minor miracles like curing the terminally ill, parting traffic and walk on flooded drains without falling in and drowning. Symptoms of this illness are physically visible as a golden halo will surround the head, sounds of heavenly trumpets will surround the patient and puncture wounds will appear on the palms and feet of the patient, in addition to the outdated dress sense and horrible beard.

The syndrome could only be contracted by praying to god for no reason, visiting the church (blessed toilets are included) more than 365 times a day or eating a Bible (VCD, DVD and audio recordings are included are well). There is no cure for this illness and treatment is not necessary as it will pass after a decade or so, the time taken for Jesus to be arrested, tortured and crucified. The public should note that Jesus Syndrome is non-infectious.

A more severe case of Jesus Syndrome is called Hyper-divinity Syndrome. Here, the patient will have access to arcane abilities to flood Freaktopia, call forth the ten plagues or condemn ordinary mortals to Hell if they did not obey or worship the patient. Many delusional patients claimed to be inflicted with such disease, however do not exhibit symptoms such as obscurity of the face by thick clouds or bright light, booming voice and ability to smite mortals down with lightning bolts or other assorted natural or unnatural calamities.

The sole remedy for this non-infectious disease is Expiration Therapy to allow the patient depart from the mortal realm before more misfortune befalls it. Therapists are to note that all conventional methods of murder and exorcism will not work, and they are expected to perish while trying to convince the patient to expire as soon as possible.

Reported by: Duck Medium

2011 New Year Special Feature - Gullwings Exploration Corporation and the Discovery of Atlantis

Ever since the Gullwings Exploration Corporation uncovered Veggiepura and Fruitopia, Freaktopia hads experienced an alarming increase in trade, overwhelming consumption of plants as well as dramatic changes in emigration trends between the mortal and Other realm. Recently, the YRP (Yuna, Riku and Paine) exploration team chanced upon a rare, ancient and impossibly incomprehensible map when they were sifting through their Hombalaya Mountain of musty manuscripts, cluttered and cursed artefacts and stacks of coffins, sarcophaguses and freeze-dried mummies in a vain attempt to locate their ring of keys (inclusive of house, safe, bedroom, car and office ones). The map, according to archaeologists at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, was believed to be from the Lava Age, approximately 987654321123456789 years ago. Expert cartographers from the Unknown University and professors from Allopia Spy School’s linguistics department were stumped by the language, or should the Freakstimes say, the myriad of unintelligible squiggles in the form of octopuses, sea serpents, fishes, crustaceans and other assorted unknown marine biology that will make the Holy Immortal SSW froth at the mouth with uncontrollable excitement.

“My best guess would be that the language could be the written form of Atlantish, the long lost tongue of the long lost Atlantis,” inferred Professor Crabs. “I concur with Professor Crabs because the chart was filled with flowing lines that could give anyone seasickness and pictograms are that of seafood, the staple diet of Atlantians,” agreed Dr. Lobster. He said in his book, Atlantis: the Fall and Decline of a Drowning Civilisation, that the civilisation was brought down due to a lethal combination of hepatitis, poorly planned sewage system and the lack of ritual sacrifices to placate the gods of the ocean and all things liquid. Several academics in the intellectual arena have stubbornly refused to believe in the existence of Atlantis as the Makansutra said Atlantis was ‘decimated by the vile sewage it churned out which incurred the divine wrath of the gods for the stench had reached the heavens’. The Makansutra is the holiest culinary book of Freaktopia which has the most accurate historical records of the multi-verse ever since freakkind’s creation of the first curry, and its empty pages are continuously being filled every nanosecond.

Desperate to get the ancient naval chart deciphered, the Gullwings Corporation offered a reward of fifty cents to anyone who is able to translate the meaningless symbols. Unfortunately, the sole person who was capable of performing the feat had abruptly passed away when his great grandson accidentally wrote his name on a Death Note he had recently procured from e-bay. The Duck Medium was roused from its coma* to perform a spiritual summoning of the old man to assist the YRP in making sense out of the prehistoric piece of paper. However, due to the Duck Medium’s adverse reaction to all things associated with seafood, it collapsed into a dead faint which even the Wing Chun Bitch Slaps could not revive the Medium. As the High Summoner Urban Geek is currently nowhere to be found in all three realms of existence, the deciphering of the map had to be put on hold until Freak Tock Seng Hospital’s department of Spiritual Medicine could figure out a suitable treatment that would not impede the Medium’s powers or brain.

Allopia Spy School, Royal Urban University of Mutabak and the Unknown University had authenticated the map as a bona fide and an extremely valuable artefact. The Princess of Mutabak Kingdom had placed the document inside the Infidelity Library which is protected by security systems and personnel which were provided by Goldilocks and even Goldilocks herself had no idea what they are. The Princess Mutabak had received news of evil relatives collaborating with Dr. Lala Cloth of Tomb Raiders Inc. to steal the map for their own evil perverted purposes. “I would like to see them try enter the Library. That damned place is so deadly that even I, the architect, am afraid of it,” said Princess Mutabak, who was visibly shaking in a corner of her 5000 hectare bedchamber.

*The Duck Medium was suffering from acute Leaky Memory Syndrome and had foolishly decided to seek treatment at the newly opened Kung Fu Massage Parlour without bothering to read the treatments’ side effects. It went for the Luo Han Fist and Golden Needles of Jade Bee package. The package had a ten-cent discount for first-time-and-last-time customers.

Launch of Kung Fu Massage Parlour in Freaktopia!

Chinese martial arts, popularly known as "kung Fu", has developed over millions of years in the Land of Tiongs, a huge continent North of Kootupura. It includes over a thousand different sets of skills created by many different Kung Fu Masters from different sects. Besides being used for self-defense, strengthening the mind and body, and attacking adversaries, Kung Fu has also been used in sports such as soccer, lending players an incredible advantage over opponents. Indeed, the Shaolin Soccer Team has won every Inter-realm Cup since 999 B.M. (Before Murtabak)

Another area of application of Kung Fu is the Culinary Art. The Shaolin Chef Academy has consistently produced world-renowned and inter-realmly acclaimed chefs who are highly sought after by 99-stars hotels in both realms. The Shaolin Chefs use their powerful internal energy (nei gong) to simmer the broth to perfection. Some use their spectacular sword skills to slice and dice the ingredients into precise, flawless shapes and sizes. A unique skill originating from the Fire Temple Sect - the True Samadhi Fire - is the pinnacle of the culinary martial arts skill. In fact, there are only 3 Kung Fu Masters who know the True Samadhi Fire skill. Meng Po, according to rumours, stole the skill from one of the masters by seducing him with her trademark Meng Po Soup. She then went on to create the ultimate True Samadhi Fire Soup that has received rave reviews from famous food connoisseurs around the world.

And now, the great ancient art is being spread into the art of massage, which is aimed at enhancing the physical function and promoting relaxation and well-being of the body, as well as healing certain diseases. It is also very useful for treating orthopaedic problems. Traditional massage uses painstaking kneading and squeezing and punching and other hand techniques. Some non-traditional kinds include stomping on the body using the smelly feet. Kung Fu massage, in contrast, uses Kung Fu skills like the 18 Dragon-Subduing Palms (降龍十八掌) and the Luo Han Fist (羅漢拳) to achieve maximum efficiency and effectiveness (in making the customer vomit blood and possibly go into coma).

The first and only place to offer the unique Kung Fu Massage is the new Grand Kung Fu Massage Parlour. Customers can be rest assured as the Kung Fu Massage Masters have received their certification from the Kung Fu Massage Academy after going through a 2-hours training session.

The list of services, descriptions, and prices are as follows:

Skill: 18 Dragon-Subduing Palms
Description: 18 powerful strokes of the palm is delivered onto the back of the customer, with each subsequent palm of increasing strength. Customers rarely survive beyond the 9th stroke. By the 18th stroke, all the bones would have been broken and relocated, and then magically renewed.
Strength Level: 9/10
Suitable for: Severe backaches
Side effects: Customer may perish from the merciless 18 powerful strokes of the palm (98% mortality rate). Customers are advised to wear full metal armors to cushion the strong impacts (must provide yourself!)
Price: $1000 per hour

Skill: 5 Poison Palm
Description: The Kung Fu Master's palm is infused with 5 of the top most lethal poisons in the world - Tanutama Tarantula Spider Venom, King Cobra's Urine, Snowy Poision Toad Saliva, Monster Lionhead Fish Pus, and the Electric Jellyfish Essence - and the poisons are transferred into the customer's body through the Master's palm. These powerful poisons can kill off other poisons that the customer suffers from.
Strength Level: 8/10
Suitable for: Poisoning
Side effects: The 5 poisons may be able to kill other poisons but there is no antidote for these 5 posons.
Price: $999 per hour

Skill: Divine Flicking Finger (Yi Yang Zhi)
Description: Just by a flick of a finger, any dislocated bone will be pushed back in place and any sore muscle spots will be healed. The whole process takes only a split second.
Strength Level: 5/10
Suitable for: Sprains, bone dislocation, sore muscles
Side effects: None
Price: $88 per second

Skill: Dog Beating Stick
Description: Using the legendary Dog Beating Stick passed down from the Beggar Sect, the Kung Fu Master hits the customer's vital points and joints, inducing paralysis and severe internal injury. However, once total internal destruction takes place, the whole body will be renewed.
Strength Level: 9/10
Suitable for: Whole body aches
Side effects: Possible irrecoverable paralysis
Price: $999 per hit

Skill: Luo Han Fist
Description: 18 Luo Han Masters take turns to deliver deadly punches onto the customer's body with their Bronze-coated fists. The customer ultimately either dies of internal injury or from smashed organs
Strength level: 10/10
Suitable for: Stiff bones and muscles, broken bones
Side effects: Instant death
Price: $777 per fist

Skill: Iron Head Skill
Description: Using his powerful head - cultivated over centuries of head training on Mount Pra - the Master hits the customer's body to push dislocated bones back into position and to cure muscle aches.
Strength level: 9/10
Suitable for: Dislocated or broken bones, muscle sores
Side effects: Vomit blood
Price: $1000 per hit of the head

Skill: Eagle Claw
Description: With long, unkempt, eagle-like talons, the Kung Fu Master uses the Eagle Claw skill to scratch the itchy spots of the customer's body.
Strength Level: 7/10
Suitable for: Itchiness, rash
Side effects: Risk of being shredded to pieces
Price: $799 per min

Skill: Golden Needles of Jade Bee
Description: Master Xiao Long Nu from the Ancient Tomb Sect uses her patented Jade Bee Golden Needles to perform acupuncture for the customer. These needles are extremely rare and poisonous, and are very effective for treating arthritis.
Strength Level: 5/10
Suitable for: Arthritis, various diseases
Side effects: kena posioned
Price: $1001 per needle

Skill: Breaking Ice Palm
Description: The Master channels his internal energy to generate cold icy palms and then through hitting onto the customer's body, the stiffness of the entire body is dispelled.
Strength level: 7/10
Suitable for: Muscle and bone stiffness
Side effects: Hypothermia, cold
Price: $999 per palm

Skill: Taiji Quan
Description: Using painfully slow and gentle strokes of the palm to hit the customer's vital points, all sore muscles and joints are soothed with great effect.
Strength level: 1/10
Suitable for: Mild muscle aches
Side effects: None, but the process takes a looooooooong time (at least 20 hours)
Price: $999 per hour

Skill: Wing Chun Bitch Slaps
Description: The Master delivers a series of powerful bitch slaps onto the customer's body using the famous Wing Chun skill. The customer's entire body is instantly healed from all maladies.
Strength level: 8/10
Suitable for: Multipurpose
Side effects: redness and swelling from all the slapping
Price: $99 per slap

The Grand Kung Fu Massage Parlour is now open at Level 3 Bimbocity, Freaktopia.

Offer: 3% discount for first 100 customers.
Condition: Must be Starcup user

Reported by: Urban Geek