The New Freakstimes

News Flash! - New transport system in the works

2011-09-18T01:16:00.001-07:00

As the roads of Freaktopia remain hopelessly jammed for 24 hours every day, the Land Transport Authority (LTA) decided to explore a new transport system that makes use of Freaktopia's extremely new, well-connected, state-of-the-art, effective and efficient sewage system. It is collaborating with the National Environment Agency on matters such as sewage network and waste systems; Royal Urban University of Mutabak on transport system engineering and management; Unknown University on issues such as unknown statistics and probable tragedies and with Allopia Spy School on Computer Systems and Security.

This new transport system will allow commuters to do away with waiting for buses or trains, congestions and accidents as all they need to do are - don wetsuits and oxygen tanks, tap their ez-link card on the card reader installed on their toilet bowl's water cistern, say their destination clearly to the computer, and flush themselves to their destinations. The LTA has had considerable success at the experimental stage though all of its elderly passengers perished in the process as the computer was unable to process their destination and hence they spent days circulating the entirety of Freaktopia's sewage network until they suffocated and had to be fished out by the NEA. Furthermore, four had died from cardiac arrest as they were flushed at speeds of 160-180km/h and all of its obese passengers got stuck midway and had to be rescued. Besides the occasional death, the LTA is pleased with the project's progress and excellent results.

"I feel that this new way of travelling is going to take over the conventional way of travelling on land. The roads of Freaktopia are polluted with speed cameras, traffic polices, speed limits, ERP gantries, traffic lights, zebra crossings and humps every 2 meters. Vehicles could only travel at 5mm/h. With the new Sewage Transport, commuters can travel at literally breakneck speeds and reach their destination early or on time!" said the Minster for Land Development and Transport. A member of the public said "however, people can get stuck in the sewage pipe or die if the pipe explode like what happened to Thangs the last time."

Though the unsanitary way of travelling is most likely to be a hit with the busy population of Freaktopia, the hygiene and fashionable segments are concerned as this will pollute the air with unbearable stench and mess up the hair and makeup they had taken great pains to do up. Car dealers and manufacturers are worried as they might go bankrupt and are starting to dabble in flying carpet, teleportation and sewage transport technologies and its nuances.

Whether the new Sewage Transport System will yield good results or be a flush in the bowl will be determined by how congested the pipes can be with both humans and waste matter fighting for space. Seriously, can a boring and puke-inducing sight of faeces and urine trump the beautiful city scene with the occasional motor vehicle versus pedestrian tragedy?

Reported by Roasted Duck Medium Rare

News Flash! - Transportation woes

2011-09-18T01:15:00.000-07:00

For the past month, the Land Transport Authority (LTA) and the Freaktopian Prime Minister has been futilely pledging more resources to increase the number of vehicles and trips during peak and off-peak periods to ease the never-ceasing human congestion and facilitate faster travels with fewer tantrums thrown during the frustratingly long 30-second wait for the next taxi, bus or train. Despite the efforts made and money wasted, the smooth transport plan envisioned by the universe was not proceeding according to plan as yesterday, countless catastrophic public transport-related disasters erupted all over Freaktopia like the Black Death.

According to the Freakstimes newsroom, the first accident was reported by a blind eye witness at 5am, the first bus service for the day, when a deranged-looking female Prata national produced a chainsaw out of nowhere and began mowing down passengers who were pushing and shoving to get on the first bus. "All I know is that I smell Prata, Tosai, Mutabaks, Fruits, Vegetables and heard the buzzing roar of a chainsaw! The next thing I know is I smelled spilled fillings, juice and curry and heard lots of screaming!" said the witness before being ran over by a speeding unlicensed unicycle as he proceeded to cross the road unaided.

Just moments later at 5.01am, the Mutabakian Police Department alerted the Freakstimes that annoyed passengers on bus service 666 had decided to take the overcrowding situation into their own hands by opening windows and tossing excessive passengers out of the numerous openings by the side of the public transport vehicle. However, the situation deteriorated as they proceeded to dump each other out of the windows and doors. Unceremoniously evicted passengers found themselves lethally smashing onto curbs, falling off 12-stories high highways or being mowed over by speeding lorries on the expressway.

According to satellite imaging, approximately 66,000 miles long of the road was plastered or littered with body parts of various parts, shapes and sizes. The LTA rejected the National Environment Agency's (NEA) plea to clean up the mess. The reason is that cleaning up would either add more people and/or vehicles to the 24 hour constantly jammed roads of Freaktopia and this would cause citizens to sell their luxury cars in favour of heavy duty lorries and trucks, military tanks or bulldozers to combat lesser puny motor vehicles on the road. An LTA official said this situation would most definitely cause serious administrative problems like having to come up with coupons, parking lots, COE and ERP (Electronic Road Pricing) for such big vehicles.

Fortunately, the mayhem affected the train service as well. The Freaktopian Mess Rabid Transport (MRT) reported over 97531 cases of passengers being bisected or have limbs torn off by the trains' doors or safety gates. 99.9% of the casualties bled to death as they refused medical aid in a valiant attempt to reach work on time. Due to the countless severed body parts, the trains' doors malfunctioned. Majority of the passengers suffered from fractured extremities as they tried to break down the doors and alight. In addition, several lost their lives as frustrated commuters vented their anger on one another and on the service operators.

The overcrowding on buses was so bad that passengers had to sit on the laps or cling onto the necks and waists of the bus captains. Earlier this year, the Land Transport Authority had removed all seats from buses and trains, set up signs encouraging passengers to contort themselves to save space on the public transport and installed handrails on the top, sides and bottom of buses and trains just to accommodate more travellers. However, the LTA removed the undercarriage handrails as all of the passengers under the bus fractured their spines and skull whenever the vehicle goes over a hump.

A Health Ministry official commented that the sky-high fatality rate will overwork medical professionals to the brink of insanity and/or suicide. Professor Lao Zi, Head of Unknown University's Economics and Home Economics, speculated that there will be a severe shortage of coffins, priests, funeral equipments and personnel, crematoriums and columbarium space and it will cause the prices to rocket and inflate beyond affordability as suppliers will seize the chance to earn 10,000% profit from the catastrophes. He advised families to pick up carpentry and funerary skills so that they can D.I.Y funeral rites and burial for their deceased.

When contacted by the Freakstimes, the LTA said it might legalise flying carpets, teleportation and extend the ERP to non-motor vehicles like unicycles, bicycles and tricycles. At present, the LTA is collaborating with the NEA in researching and experimenting on a new revolutionary sewage transport system.

Reported by Duck Medium and Freddy Ferrari

Special Feature - Grim University Hospital

2011-09-13T06:26:00.000-07:00

Introduction

Grim University Hospital is the first and, at present, the only university hospital in the vast universe of Freaktopia. It was recently established by the Freaktopian Health Ministry to combat the "constant outbreaks of unusual maladies, improve the disastrous health conditions of its inhabitants, and strengthen and expand the medical knowledge and skills of the medical staff through rigorous research and training".

As compared to the deplorable state that Freak Tock Seng Hospital and other general hospitals are in, Grim University Hospital stands at zero stories high, with 89 basements, 1,000 incompetent doctors and 1,444 careless and ill-tempered nurses. In addition to the usual clinical departments found in all other mundane hospitals, the university hospital is proud to have new departments such as the Spiritual and Paranormal clinics to service the possessed, haunted and recently departed; Abnormal Practices to diagnose uncommon and rare diseases that have never even been heard of; Cuisine Surgery to treat food-related health problems such as Curry Intoxication, Herbal Soup Drowning, Popcorn Explosions, Overcooked injuries, Fruity Concussions (Papaya, durian, jackfruit, coconut and etc), Vegetosis (human biological mutation due to consumption of expired vegetables), USW (Utensils Stab Wounds) and Fast Food Addiction; Lethality, Catastrophes and Disasters (LCD) rooms are the equivalent of your accident and emergency rooms, just that the LCD deals with patients who are a danger to themselves and everyone around them; and many others.

Staff and Facilities

The staff at Grim University Hospital are a sullen, sallow and ill-looking lot who pile on white make up, ICI Deluxe facial paint and plenty of black eyeliner, lipstick and mascara to provide a gothic and deathly professional vibe to visitors. In addition to being downright useless, hopeless and worthless, the hospital staff are hired based on their intensive love for death and disdain towards life and as such, patients are guaranteed to face their mortality as they struggle in vain to cling onto survival.

The cleaning personnel are terribly competent in creating clogged sinks, regurgitating toilets, dusty corridors and polluting the operating rooms. The public can also be rest assured of facing plenty of hypertensive frustrations when making inquiries or appointments over the phone as the administrators are never around and never pleased to serve the peoples' needs. In short, the magnificently mentally-challenged and brainless staff at Grim University Hospital can never be found elsewhere, for they are the dregs of society.

Grim University Hospital is built underground with the avoidance of nuclear warfare in mind, though it will be the first to collapse if there is an earthquake measuring 20.9 on the Richter scale. Located just 3,4567890 miles south of Mount Pra, 1,2345678 miles east of Mount Ro and 9,876543210 miles north of Mutabak Kingdom, Grim University Hospital is found deep beneath the earth, patients will be treated to a depressing view of compressed earth and the occasional fossilised dinosaur or buried skeleton.

With lifts travelling at the speed of light, patients, visitors and staff are all advised to buckle themselves securely or risk guaranteed death when the lift stops. The establishment also boasts 3 cafeterias, with 12 master chefs who cannot cook to save their lives and have absolutely no inkling of what decent food tastes like, to serve the most revoltingly-bland food that will even put the world-acclaimed hospital food to shame.

Priding itself in emergency treatment, the hospital has a helipad somewhere but nobody knows where it is except for the helipad itself. A multi-storey car park could also be found near the helipad and again nobody knows its location. Being the most accessible hospital, emergency patients are rest assured that they are more likely to perish in an ambulance than dying in the operating theatre.

Reported by: Duck Medium

News Flash - Sewage pipe burst in Thangs underground tunnel, downing thousands in excrement

2011-09-12T20:13:00.001-07:00

FREAKSTIMES – In a series of unfortunate events that have befallen Freaktopia the past few months, the latest incident that brewed was the drowning of thousands of innocent shoppers in the Thangs underground tunnel when the sewage pipe burst. Kayporter Lily Li reports.

According to the Sewage Maintenance Authority (SMA), the pipe had burst as a result of too much hard stools released by people in the Thangs Mall toilets which got stuck in the pipe, leading to severe blockage and thus the pipe eventually burst.

The Kayporter contacted the Stools Sciences Authority (SSA) on the reason for this phenomenon. SSA Head of Sai Research said,”This phenomenon of an usually large volume of hard stools could be attributed to the rise in consumption of mooncakes recently. As you all know, mooncakes are very heaty and eating too much mooncakes can lead to hard stools.”

The Haze Monitoring Association (HMA) had an alternative opinion. HMA Director said,”Eating mooncakes will lead to hard stools? What rubbish! The cause is actually the haze from Indo-Asia! Haze from any other places would not cause hard stools. But if it comes from Indo-Asia, jialat!” However, he stopped short of revealing the exact reason.

On further prompting by the ever-persistent Kayporter, the HMA Director said secretively,”You know what? The haze from Indo-Asia carries the essence of terrorism! Terrorism causes constipation!”

After saying that the director scuttled off, possibly for fear of being targeted by the Al-Gebra terrorist group for revealing their secret. It turned out that the terrorist group intended to use haze as a weapon of mass destruction by causing widespread constipation. The burst pipe may only be just the beginning of a series of terrorist attacks by the much-feared Al-Gebra group.

On a sidenote, the thousands who drowned in the excrement were all hauled off to the Jurong Island for burial and to be used as fertilizers.

News Flash!!! Hang Ten Inc. Sets Up Business in Freaktopia

2011-02-08T21:53:00.000-08:00

The Execution Professionals

Freaktopia - The Freaktopia Penitentiary executioners have long been overworked. As a result of the recent spurt in the number of prisoners being given the death sentence, the number of executions they have to carry out daily has become even far more than what the number of executioners available at the Penitentiary can handle. The straw that broke the camel's back (camel was immediately sent to the Freaktopian Animal Hospital) when the electric chair used to administer the electrocution sentence broke down and the executioners had to resort to manual flogging to beat the deathrow inmates to death. This resulted in even greater fatigue for the executioners, some of whom broke their backs in the process and had to be sent to the same hospital as the camel. Meanwhile, the prisoners are accumulating as the rate of inflow of prisoners exceeds the rate of prisoners executed. The Penitentiary has been reduced to a chaotic mess as the prisoners wreaked havoc every day, driving 50% of the wardens to madness and 45% to suicide. The remaining 5% are threatening to quit.

In a bid to tackle this pressing issue, the Ministry has decided to outsource the executions to Hang Ten Inc., a professional execution organization. The 10-year contract is reported to be worth $10 billion. "We are pleased to be able to work with the Ministry, to utilize our expertise in carrying out executions to serve the country. We have been around since 100B.M. (Before Murtabaks) so you can trust us to execute our executions efficiently and painlessly...well, more or less." Said Mr Lau Sai, who was previously the CEO of Lau Sai Funeral Services Company.

Hang Ten is a publicly-listed company with about 2000 employees, including 1000 professionally trained executioners. The executioners have been painstakingly headhunted and scouted from around the world, including the other realm, to ensure that only the best and most talented ones are hired for the highly-challenging job. The criteria include: must be at least 8 foot tall, weigh at least 150kg, able to wield a 100kg executioner sword, able to carry 10 men etc. Executioners are paid a salary of $100,000 per month. Their services are in high demand throughout Freaktopia and the Other Realm, which have plenty of dispensable human beings to kill off. According to the HR manager, the next hiring round will be in 2015.

The menu of execution services are detailed below, divided into the traditional and non-traditional categories. Judges can now enjoy a much wider and exciting range of execution methods to choose from to bestow on the doomed criminals.

Traditional Methods

Proven techniques of execution which have been passed down over the millennia, these are sure-fire, moron-proof, economical and efficient ways to deliver death-inducing punishments on the death-row inmates.

1. Hanging

Description: Just like what you see in hangman, the prisoner is sent to the gallows and hung. Death is quick and clean.
Gore Level: 0/10

2. Electrocution

Description: Prisoner sits on an electric chair. A high voltage is passed through the prisoner's body, forcefully expelling his soul from his physical body. A series of higher voltages can be administered for more exciting effects. For instance, at maximum voltage, the body will be burned to a charred crisp (suitable for use in bbq parties).
Gore level: 0-5/10

3. Shooting

Description: Various guns or rifles, and even a cannon are available to choose from. Depending on the type of gun, a single shot or multiple shots may be required. Trigger-happy mode is also available but at an extra charge of $10,000.

Gore level: depends on the type of guns and bullets. 1 – 9/10.

4. Decapitation

Description: There are many choices of swords, knifes, choppers, parangs, etc to choose from, providing different styles of cut.

Gore level: 6/10

Unholy Methods

Executioners from the Other Realm are hired for this category of execution methods.

However, exorcists are needed to send back the executioners after the task is over, which can get pretty messy.

1. Possession

A priest is required to summon a vengeful and bloodthirsty spirit to possess the inmate, which the forceful spiritual possession will cause the prisoner’s neck to twist 360° like in the Exorcist. The spirit may be asked to carry out the following acrobatic stunts:

A) Projectile vomiting until body is drier than the Sahara Desert

B) Twisting the body like a pretzel

C) Self mutilation by breaking bones one by one

D) Smashing head into the wall until the cranium is plastered on the wall like wallpaper.

Note: alternatively, the priest can choose to simply exorcise the inmate’s soul from his body and destroy it via Exorcism.

Gore Factor: 7/10 -9/10 depending on cooperativeness and creativity of the summoned spirit

Karma Executions

1. Acts of God

In contrast with the execution option of Divine Punishment which sought the help of God to dispose of the human scumbag, this execution method simply plays on the inmate’s karma, just desserts and designation retribution by the twisted Fate.

A) Slipped to death (choose from a wide selection of surfaces like: lethally soapy bathroom floor, ice rink, oil coated stairs, frictionless marble floor)

B) Pushed into the way of a speeding funeral hearse

C) Crushed to death by a falling grossly overweight suicide victim

D) Becoming a victim of a suicide bomber in the Off-Middle East

E) Decapitated by fan blade

F) Falling into a wood chipper or mincing machine

G) Locked in a freezer (sub-zero temperature)/furnace (hot enough to melt steel)

H) Bleed to death from a deep cut on the neck when shaving

I) Trapped in a lift falling from 999^th storey to basement 1

J) Knocked unconscious by falling showerhead and landing face first into a basin full of water

K) Natural expiration

Note: judge can pray to God for other Acts of God not specified in the list. Additional legal fees and taxes will be billed to the prosecuting party.

Conventional Executions

A) Starvation - good money-saving method

B) Exhaustion resulting from slave labour - excellent way to leverage on doomed prisoners to help build the Great Wall of Chikila in Kootupura

C) Hanging from the Cliff of Mount Pra by the nail’s edge of the inmate’s broken appendage and limb (can choose to hang from toe, tongue, teeth or hair)

D) Iron Maiden (thickness and length of spikes can be changed)

E) Suffocation (pillow, bolster, mattress, artificial breasts, ass, elephant, rhinoceros or other assorted safari animals)

F) Placed under an extra-large magnifying glass on a fine and insanely hot day - great for science practical lessons for grade 6 kids

New Patented Execution Methods (Promotion! 5% off)

1. Flogging

Note: prisoner will be injected with substances that will heighten their sense of pain

- Choose from a wide selection of objects to be flogged with:

A) Military alloy baseball bat

B) Furniture (metal chair, banquet table, metallic library shelves, computers, TVs, stoves, ovens)

C) Tools (screwdrivers, hammers, mallets, ladders)

D) Whip with electrified barbed wire

E) Er Mei Bitch Slap technique x 100000 times

Gore level: different options result in different gore levels and time taken to kill the prisoner, though death is 100% guaranteed. Option of flogging can be chosen by either the judge or victim.

2. Cooking

A) Burnt at the stake (Salem-style or Silent Hill style)

B) Deep fried

C) Boiled/ steamed

D) Microwaved

E) Barbequed

F) Others: executioners can call up chefs at Critters Connoisseur Cuisine to seek advice on more cooking methods to send their prisoners off.

Note: all options will have the end result given to Fijians to enjoy. The judge may order Fijians to carry out the cooking execution and charge them with the duty to dispose the leftovers.

Gore level: option A will provide the most satisfaction to sadists and victims alike.

3. Divine punishments

This form of execution requires priests from Saint Murtabak Church to pray for the inmate’s obliteration via God’s divine wrath.

A) Struck by lightning storms

B) Spontaneous human combustion/death via heat wave (latter is slower and more torturous)

C) Cardiac arrest

D) Swallowed up by earthquake

E) Frozen to death

F) Crushed by avalanche/landslide

G) Traffic Accident (hit by speeding unicycle, bicycle, tricycle, trishaw, motorbike, car, van, ambulance, lorry, truck, concrete mixer, crane carrier, train, falling plane and all of the above)

H) Decimated by falling meteor

4. Military executions

A) Thrown off Mount Pra’s summit naked (Mt Pra height: 99999999999 feet)

B) Thrown off fighter jet naked (from the stratosphere)

C) Dangling off the tail of a fighter jet by a rope and dragged over the Hombalaya Mountain range until inmate becomes an unrecognizable mass of pulverized meat splattered over the geological feature

D) Mowed down by speeding tank and tank reversed over corpse by “accident” several times

E) Firing squad firing at point blank (choose gun of your choice)

F) Decapitation (with butter knife, plastic birthday cake knife, tea spoon or dessert fork)

G) Dismemberment (5 horse dismemberment, giant squid dismemberment, 5 cars dismemberment, 5 victim dismemberment, self dismemberment with a penknife

H) Electrocution (light up like a Christmas tree)

I) Drowning (in debts and bills, sewage water, rainwater, drain water, saliva, dishwater, contaminated water, stagnant water, tonic water, toxic water or distilled water)

J) Stuffed into a torpedo launch tube and fired at Mount Ro with maximum force

K) Packed into a nuclear missile with 5000kg of nitro glycerin and fired at the HQ of Al Thosai Terrorist Corporation Inter-dimensional (explosion can be seen from the Butterfly Nebula).

L) Locked in a shed loaded with :

- Firecrackers

- Barrels of gunpowder

- Tanks of leaking methane gas

- Dynamites

-Grenades

- Military grade nitro glycerin

- Nuclear missiles

M) Locked in a bigger shed with all of the above incendiaries

Note: please press the detonator from a safe distance. Hang Ten Inc. will not be responsible for any loss of limb, body parts, sanity, bodily functions or life. Explosion will result in a crater as big as the moon.

5. Mutabak Executions

A) Dissected alive by scalpel-wielding toddlers at Woodbridge Childcare

B) Experimented on by Immortal SSW

C) Sent to Royal Urban University of Mutabak/ Allopia Spy School/ Unknown University as live specimen for Practical Execution module.

D) Tortured to insanity then death by royal canine, Whiskey

E) Used by Duck Medium or High Summoner Uban Geek as a human sacrifice to calm/bribe the Mutabakian deities.

F) Forced to watch Sadako’s cursed tape for 24h

G) Thrown into Kayako’s cursed home

H) Forced to take a swim in water tank with Mitsuko

I) Forced to carry Natre until spine and neck snap

J) Force fed with unrefined Duck Matter

K) Berated into suicide by combined naggings of Queen Cheaporella and Queen Mutabak

Reported by: Urban Geek and Duck Medium

Kung Fu Massage Parlour - New Services!!!

2011-01-02T03:30:00.000-08:00

Due to overwhelming response (99% negative, 1% neutral) from the Freaktopian masses, the Kung Fu Massage Parlour is expanding, after only 3 days of launch of the new business. Exciting new services will be provided as follows, with the hiring of even more incompetent Kung Fu masters from exotic places such as the Mount Er Mei Mei, Wudung Temple, and the Ancient Cemetery on Mount Zhongnan.

Skill: Nine Yin White Bone Claw (unorthodox version)

Description: For customers suffering from chronic uncontrollable itching, the masseuse will utilise her long and unwashed fingernails to claw all the skin off the customer. Alternatively, if the customer desires to lose weight quickly, the masseuse will stab her toenails into the customer’s body and absorb the fats into her own body to be converted into inner energy to service the next customer.

Strength: 2/10

Suitable for: controllable itching, obesity

Side effects: permanent scarring, permanent loss of skin or death by mincing. For liposuction services, customers may 99.9% perish as the masseuse might suck him/her drier than the Sahara Desert.

Skill: Nine Yin White Bone Claw (orthodox version)

Description: The mistress will use her sharp fingernails to burst any acne or pimple on the customer’s face. Also, she will use the sharpness of her nails to dig out every single whitehead and blackhead that exist in the pores of the customer’s face.

Strength: 1/10

Suitable: outbreaks of acne or pimples. Permanent removal of heads

Side effects: accidental decapitation or disfigurement. Squeezing black and whiteheads carries the risk of severing major arteries on the head which may lead to death via haemorrhaging, coma or permanent brain damage.

Skill: Jiu Yang Shen Gong (Nine Sun Divine Skill)

Description: An expert in this martial art will stand under a baking desert sun and mix the heat with his burning internal energy. He then hits the customer hard on the back and channels the searing energy to dispel all chills and boosts the overall vitality to encourage regeneration and healing.

Suitable for: Frostbite patients, chills and other assorted maladies

Side effects: spontaneous combustion, permanent brain damage, accidental mummification via severe dehydration. Customers who survive the heat may undergo genetic mutation and develop mutant powers or sprout extra appendages and limbs. Temporary Jesus Syndrome may be experienced*.

Price: $9999 per 0.1°C

Skill: Iron Palms

Description: Using his iron-like palms which was developed over millennia by hitting Mount Ro, the Kung Fu mistress Qiu Qianren will viciously strike the customer in the various vital accupoints and joints. This will allow the pressure points to open and let the energy and clogged blood to flow.

Suitable for: paralyzed patients. Chronic lethargy or numbness

Side effects: smashed organs, utter destruction of skeleton and death

Cost: $999 per strike and additional $9999 for unblocking each acupoint

Skill: Toad Stance

Description: The master and creator of this skill, Ouyang Feng, will take on the stance of a toad that is preparing to leap to its death. Gathering his inner energy about his legs and palms, the master will leap with great force and hit the customer hard on the chest, back or stomach to dislodge whatever they want to be dislodged.

Suitable for: pregnant women experiencing difficult labour, abortion for unwanted pregnancies, induce vomiting for anorexics, conjoined twins and customers choking on fishballs or fish bones.

Side effects: customers may be flung off their beds/feet and smash into neighbouring customers or parlour walls. Ruptured organs may result. Customers may also be split apart should the master use excessive force.

*Extracted from WoodBridge Dictionary of Medicine

Jesus Syndrome is a temporary malady which causes the patient to grow a beard like Jesus and develop a fashion sense like the Holy Son. It was also observed that the patient will be able to perform minor miracles like curing the terminally ill, parting traffic and walk on flooded drains without falling in and drowning. Symptoms of this illness are physically visible as a golden halo will surround the head, sounds of heavenly trumpets will surround the patient and puncture wounds will appear on the palms and feet of the patient, in addition to the outdated dress sense and horrible beard.

The syndrome could only be contracted by praying to god for no reason, visiting the church (blessed toilets are included) more than 365 times a day or eating a Bible (VCD, DVD and audio recordings are included are well). There is no cure for this illness and treatment is not necessary as it will pass after a decade or so, the time taken for Jesus to be arrested, tortured and crucified. The public should note that Jesus Syndrome is non-infectious.

A more severe case of Jesus Syndrome is called Hyper-divinity Syndrome. Here, the patient will have access to arcane abilities to flood Freaktopia, call forth the ten plagues or condemn ordinary mortals to Hell if they did not obey or worship the patient. Many delusional patients claimed to be inflicted with such disease, however do not exhibit symptoms such as obscurity of the face by thick clouds or bright light, booming voice and ability to smite mortals down with lightning bolts or other assorted natural or unnatural calamities.

The sole remedy for this non-infectious disease is Expiration Therapy to allow the patient depart from the mortal realm before more misfortune befalls it. Therapists are to note that all conventional methods of murder and exorcism will not work, and they are expected to perish while trying to convince the patient to expire as soon as possible.

Reported by: Duck Medium

2011 New Year Special Feature - Gullwings Exploration Corporation and the Discovery of Atlantis

2011-01-02T03:23:00.001-08:00

Ever since the Gullwings Exploration Corporation uncovered Veggiepura and Fruitopia, Freaktopia hads experienced an alarming increase in trade, overwhelming consumption of plants as well as dramatic changes in emigration trends between the mortal and Other realm. Recently, the YRP (Yuna, Riku and Paine) exploration team chanced upon a rare, ancient and impossibly incomprehensible map when they were sifting through their Hombalaya Mountain of musty manuscripts, cluttered and cursed artefacts and stacks of coffins, sarcophaguses and freeze-dried mummies in a vain attempt to locate their ring of keys (inclusive of house, safe, bedroom, car and office ones). The map, according to archaeologists at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, was believed to be from the Lava Age, approximately 987654321123456789 years ago. Expert cartographers from the Unknown University and professors from Allopia Spy School’s linguistics department were stumped by the language, or should the Freakstimes say, the myriad of unintelligible squiggles in the form of octopuses, sea serpents, fishes, crustaceans and other assorted unknown marine biology that will make the Holy Immortal SSW froth at the mouth with uncontrollable excitement.

“My best guess would be that the language could be the written form of Atlantish, the long lost tongue of the long lost Atlantis,” inferred Professor Crabs. “I concur with Professor Crabs because the chart was filled with flowing lines that could give anyone seasickness and pictograms are that of seafood, the staple diet of Atlantians,” agreed Dr. Lobster. He said in his book, Atlantis: the Fall and Decline of a Drowning Civilisation, that the civilisation was brought down due to a lethal combination of hepatitis, poorly planned sewage system and the lack of ritual sacrifices to placate the gods of the ocean and all things liquid. Several academics in the intellectual arena have stubbornly refused to believe in the existence of Atlantis as the Makansutra said Atlantis was ‘decimated by the vile sewage it churned out which incurred the divine wrath of the gods for the stench had reached the heavens’. The Makansutra is the holiest culinary book of Freaktopia which has the most accurate historical records of the multi-verse ever since freakkind’s creation of the first curry, and its empty pages are continuously being filled every nanosecond.

Desperate to get the ancient naval chart deciphered, the Gullwings Corporation offered a reward of fifty cents to anyone who is able to translate the meaningless symbols. Unfortunately, the sole person who was capable of performing the feat had abruptly passed away when his great grandson accidentally wrote his name on a Death Note he had recently procured from e-bay. The Duck Medium was roused from its coma* to perform a spiritual summoning of the old man to assist the YRP in making sense out of the prehistoric piece of paper. However, due to the Duck Medium’s adverse reaction to all things associated with seafood, it collapsed into a dead faint which even the Wing Chun Bitch Slaps could not revive the Medium. As the High Summoner Urban Geek is currently nowhere to be found in all three realms of existence, the deciphering of the map had to be put on hold until Freak Tock Seng Hospital’s department of Spiritual Medicine could figure out a suitable treatment that would not impede the Medium’s powers or brain.

Allopia Spy School, Royal Urban University of Mutabak and the Unknown University had authenticated the map as a bona fide and an extremely valuable artefact. The Princess of Mutabak Kingdom had placed the document inside the Infidelity Library which is protected by security systems and personnel which were provided by Goldilocks and even Goldilocks herself had no idea what they are. The Princess Mutabak had received news of evil relatives collaborating with Dr. Lala Cloth of Tomb Raiders Inc. to steal the map for their own evil perverted purposes. “I would like to see them try enter the Library. That damned place is so deadly that even I, the architect, am afraid of it,” said Princess Mutabak, who was visibly shaking in a corner of her 5000 hectare bedchamber.

*The Duck Medium was suffering from acute Leaky Memory Syndrome and had foolishly decided to seek treatment at the newly opened Kung Fu Massage Parlour without bothering to read the treatments’ side effects. It went for the Luo Han Fist and Golden Needles of Jade Bee package. The package had a ten-cent discount for first-time-and-last-time customers.

Launch of Kung Fu Massage Parlour in Freaktopia!

2010-12-20T06:48:00.000-08:00

Chinese martial arts, popularly known as "kung Fu", has developed over millions of years in the Land of Tiongs, a huge continent North of Kootupura. It includes over a thousand different sets of skills created by many different Kung Fu Masters from different sects. Besides being used for self-defense, strengthening the mind and body, and attacking adversaries, Kung Fu has also been used in sports such as soccer, lending players an incredible advantage over opponents. Indeed, the Shaolin Soccer Team has won every Inter-realm Cup since 999 B.M. (Before Murtabak)

Another area of application of Kung Fu is the Culinary Art. The Shaolin Chef Academy has consistently produced world-renowned and inter-realmly acclaimed chefs who are highly sought after by 99-stars hotels in both realms. The Shaolin Chefs use their powerful internal energy (nei gong) to simmer the broth to perfection. Some use their spectacular sword skills to slice and dice the ingredients into precise, flawless shapes and sizes. A unique skill originating from the Fire Temple Sect - the True Samadhi Fire - is the pinnacle of the culinary martial arts skill. In fact, there are only 3 Kung Fu Masters who know the True Samadhi Fire skill. Meng Po, according to rumours, stole the skill from one of the masters by seducing him with her trademark Meng Po Soup. She then went on to create the ultimate True Samadhi Fire Soup that has received rave reviews from famous food connoisseurs around the world.

And now, the great ancient art is being spread into the art of massage, which is aimed at enhancing the physical function and promoting relaxation and well-being of the body, as well as healing certain diseases. It is also very useful for treating orthopaedic problems. Traditional massage uses painstaking kneading and squeezing and punching and other hand techniques. Some non-traditional kinds include stomping on the body using the smelly feet. Kung Fu massage, in contrast, uses Kung Fu skills like the 18 Dragon-Subduing Palms (降龍十八掌) and the Luo Han Fist (羅漢拳) to achieve maximum efficiency and effectiveness (in making the customer vomit blood and possibly go into coma).

The first and only place to offer the unique Kung Fu Massage is the new Grand Kung Fu Massage Parlour. Customers can be rest assured as the Kung Fu Massage Masters have received their certification from the Kung Fu Massage Academy after going through a 2-hours training session.

The list of services, descriptions, and prices are as follows:

Skill: 18 Dragon-Subduing Palms
Description: 18 powerful strokes of the palm is delivered onto the back of the customer, with each subsequent palm of increasing strength. Customers rarely survive beyond the 9th stroke. By the 18th stroke, all the bones would have been broken and relocated, and then magically renewed.
Strength Level: 9/10
Suitable for: Severe backaches
Side effects: Customer may perish from the merciless 18 powerful strokes of the palm (98% mortality rate). Customers are advised to wear full metal armors to cushion the strong impacts (must provide yourself!)
Price: $1000 per hour

Skill: 5 Poison Palm
Description: The Kung Fu Master's palm is infused with 5 of the top most lethal poisons in the world - Tanutama Tarantula Spider Venom, King Cobra's Urine, Snowy Poision Toad Saliva, Monster Lionhead Fish Pus, and the Electric Jellyfish Essence - and the poisons are transferred into the customer's body through the Master's palm. These powerful poisons can kill off other poisons that the customer suffers from.
Strength Level: 8/10
Suitable for: Poisoning
Side effects: The 5 poisons may be able to kill other poisons but there is no antidote for these 5 posons.
Price: $999 per hour

Skill: Divine Flicking Finger (Yi Yang Zhi)
Description: Just by a flick of a finger, any dislocated bone will be pushed back in place and any sore muscle spots will be healed. The whole process takes only a split second.
Strength Level: 5/10
Suitable for: Sprains, bone dislocation, sore muscles
Side effects: None
Price: $88 per second

Skill: Dog Beating Stick
Description: Using the legendary Dog Beating Stick passed down from the Beggar Sect, the Kung Fu Master hits the customer's vital points and joints, inducing paralysis and severe internal injury. However, once total internal destruction takes place, the whole body will be renewed.
Strength Level: 9/10
Suitable for: Whole body aches
Side effects: Possible irrecoverable paralysis
Price: $999 per hit

Skill: Luo Han Fist
Description: 18 Luo Han Masters take turns to deliver deadly punches onto the customer's body with their Bronze-coated fists. The customer ultimately either dies of internal injury or from smashed organs
Strength level: 10/10
Suitable for: Stiff bones and muscles, broken bones
Side effects: Instant death
Price: $777 per fist

Skill: Iron Head Skill
Description: Using his powerful head - cultivated over centuries of head training on Mount Pra - the Master hits the customer's body to push dislocated bones back into position and to cure muscle aches.
Strength level: 9/10
Suitable for: Dislocated or broken bones, muscle sores
Side effects: Vomit blood
Price: $1000 per hit of the head

Skill: Eagle Claw
Description: With long, unkempt, eagle-like talons, the Kung Fu Master uses the Eagle Claw skill to scratch the itchy spots of the customer's body.
Strength Level: 7/10
Suitable for: Itchiness, rash
Side effects: Risk of being shredded to pieces
Price: $799 per min

Skill: Golden Needles of Jade Bee
Description: Master Xiao Long Nu from the Ancient Tomb Sect uses her patented Jade Bee Golden Needles to perform acupuncture for the customer. These needles are extremely rare and poisonous, and are very effective for treating arthritis.
Strength Level: 5/10
Suitable for: Arthritis, various diseases
Side effects: kena posioned
Price: $1001 per needle

Skill: Breaking Ice Palm
Description: The Master channels his internal energy to generate cold icy palms and then through hitting onto the customer's body, the stiffness of the entire body is dispelled.
Strength level: 7/10
Suitable for: Muscle and bone stiffness
Side effects: Hypothermia, cold
Price: $999 per palm

Skill: Taiji Quan
Description: Using painfully slow and gentle strokes of the palm to hit the customer's vital points, all sore muscles and joints are soothed with great effect.
Strength level: 1/10
Suitable for: Mild muscle aches
Side effects: None, but the process takes a looooooooong time (at least 20 hours)
Price: $999 per hour

Skill: Wing Chun Bitch Slaps
Description: The Master delivers a series of powerful bitch slaps onto the customer's body using the famous Wing Chun skill. The customer's entire body is instantly healed from all maladies.
Strength level: 8/10
Suitable for: Multipurpose
Side effects: redness and swelling from all the slapping
Price: $99 per slap

The Grand Kung Fu Massage Parlour is now open at Level 3 Bimbocity, Freaktopia.

Offer: 3% discount for first 100 customers.
Condition: Must be Starcup user

Reported by: Urban Geek

Allopia Spy School Opens New Campus in Sinkapula

2010-11-29T02:52:00.000-08:00

Freaktopia - The prestigious education and training institute for young elites and child prodigies, Allopia Spy School, is opening a new campus on the sunny island of Sinkapula. The new campus will be headed by Mr Dumbdoor, who has previously led the Hogwash School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to the top of the College Ranking List in the Freaktopian Financial Times for 99 years in a row.

"I am very excited to join the Allopia Spy School, which has consistently produced the best spies, assassins, secret agents and other intelligence and espionage experts who have contributed greatly to the peace and chaos of Freaktopia and the Other Realm." Said Mr Dumbdoor in a press conference. According to the Director of Allopia Spy School, Mr Dumbdoor will be appointed as the Principal under a 999 years contract. During which, he will be paid an annual salary of $7.7 billion and a monthly bonus of $1.50.

The degrees and some of the modules offered for each track are as follows:
1. Ninja track
- Ninja History and Culture
- Japanese language Level 1 - 20
- Nanchaku skills Level 1 - 10
- Kata skills Level 1 - 15
- Invisibility Skills Level 1 - 10
- Tree Climbing & Jumping Skills Level 1 - 15

2. Assassin track
- Weapons theory
- Weapons practical 1: Assembly and disassembly
- Weapons practical 2: Shooting Level 1 - 20
- Sneaking Skills Level 1 - 20
- Disguising Skills Level 1 - 10
- Martial Arts (choice of Shaolin/Wudang/Emei/Foshan Sect Skills)
- Language Skills (Choice of 30 out of 50 languages offered)
- 1 year practical skills training at the Assassins Camp on Mount Ro

3. Hackers track
- Computer theory
- Hacking Basic Theory
- Hacking Skills Level 1 - 100
- Programming Skills Level 1 - 50
- Basic Spying Skills Level 1 - 5

4. Double Agent track (Choice of Triad Route or Police Route)
- Undercover Theory
- Guest Lectures and practical skills workshops by ex-undercover agents
- Undercover Skills Level 1 - 20
- Gangster Behavior and Mannerism OR Police Behavior and Mannerism
- Advanced Spying Skills Level 1 - 20
- Acting Classes Level 1 - 20

5. Detective track
- Detective Work Theory
- Forensic Theory Level 1 - 10
- Forensic Practical Level 1 - 10
- Intermediate Weapons Skills Level 1 - 5
- Intermediate Spying Skills Level 1 - 10
- Advanced Snooping Skills Level 1 - 20
- 1 year Attachment at CIA or FBI

There will be a students recruitment roadshow held on Mount Pra (location sponsored by Holy Immortal SSW) on 1st January 2012 (assuming no apocalypse occurs). Registration fee is $100000 - Admission not guaranteed unless you bribe the Registration officer with $999999999 and 2 mandarin oranges.

Talent scouts will also hunt all around Freaktopia and the Other Realm for talented candidates who can then be admitted to the new Allopia Spy School campus for free.

Reported by: Urban Geek

News Flash! War and Beauties

2010-11-14T07:10:00.000-08:00

Freaktopia (Mutabak Kingdom) – Kaneenabo, a leading company in the beauty industry, had recently launched its new product, Forever 91, at Bimbo City. Forever 91 is a much anticipated product by the bratty underage population of Freaktopia as it hastens the consumer’s maturity and accelerates aging. Inhabitants as young as newborns are clamouring for the immediate sale of Forever 91, ever since Kaneenabo announced its intention to research for a way to solve the young consumers’ issue with age limits since last millennium.

Due to the intense marketing and promotional activities by its competitor, Forever 21 Inc, and coupled with Forever 21’s miraculous Forever 21 Beauty Pills which grant the consumers everlasting youth and retained the looks they had when they were 21, all of Kaneenabo’s customers flocked over to Forever 21 Inc in an instant. As a result, the company suffered tremendous loss of profits and was on the brink of bankruptcy.

However, Kaneenabo decided to make a comeback by introducing a different and unique product of a contrasting nature to the Forever 21 beauty pills. Forever 91 causes the consumers to physically age so rapidly that they are 91 years old in the battling of a heavily-coloured eyelid, yet retaining their original mental age.

The company is glad to announce that the effect is permanent, irreversible and cannot be counteracted by the immortalising properties of any substance containing traces of Essence of SSW. Being matured externally, the underage consumer is able to watch R21 movies, purchase cigarettes and alcohol, purchase firearms, purchase or rent cars and enter clubs and brothels though his/her/its identification card says otherwise. Furthermore, Forever 91 allows the consumer to retain the visage they had when they were 91!

Ms Ah Ma, President of the Association of Endangered Elderly and the founder of the Institute for the Hopelessly Single, attended the product launch together with a truckload of old folks and an army of unmarried, unwanted and undesirable singles. “Forever 91is absolutely incredible!” exclaimed Ms Ah Ma excitedly before going into cardiac arrest. “I cannot remember how I look since I was 91,” quipped Mr Ah Pek, 92.

Forever 91, is now available in all major shopping centres, 7-11s, neighbourhood mama shops and elderly homes near you. Anyone with a birth certificate is entitles to an additional tax of 1700% for every purchase. Produce your receipt and enjoy a free matchmaking session with any candidate of your choice from the Institute for the Hopelessly Single.
- Reported by Duck Medium

Kaneenabo had submitted an official complaint, together with laboratory results from the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, to King Yama, ruler of the Other Realm, claiming that the Forever 21 beauty pill contained generous amounts of Essence of Immortal SSW, a mysterious substance that was scientifically and spiritually proven to grant irreversible immortality.

The complaint was made through the Duck Medium. The file caused King Yama to burst several major arteries as Forever 21 denied him his claim on spirits. The Other Realm had sent an order to stop all production and sale of Forever 21 to Princess Mutabak, the monarch ruling the Mutabak Kingdom with gauntleted fists.

“A recent treaty signed by Freaktopia, Heavenly Realm and the Other Realm stated the Essence of Immortal SSW as a Class S controlled substance as it is capable of causing widespread devastation to all planes of existence due to its invincible and irreversible immortalising property,” intoned the Princess Mutabak in a brain-dead voice.

“SSW Immortal Products could only be sold to certified immortals, deceased and those conducting celestial research at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak’s Department of Theoretical and Practical Immortality,” said the Princess after punching a Straights Times reporter full in the face when the deaf imbecile asked the Her Highness to repeat her previous statement.

“I, hereby, decree all consumers of Forever 21 to undergo Expiration Therapy at Freak Tock Seng Hospital until they are fully de-immortalised. Forever 21 Inc is to cease all production and sale immediately, although I would like to have a carton of it as a sample,” said the Princess Mutabak before retiring back to her Royal Palace and slamming the newly-replaced door off its hinges.

-additional reporting by Duck Medium

News Flash! F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix

2010-11-07T00:00:00.000-07:00

Eggplant Expressway (Veggiepura) – This year’s annual F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix will be held in Veggiepura after the vegetarian nation won the hosting bid by a huge margin as the other competitors’ representatives mysteriously vanished or wound up in the country’s mortuary in ash urns, cola bottles, packed into packets of NTUC minced pork.

“Veggiepura is proud to host this year’s F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix. We are confident of winning the hosting bid as lots of ‘preparation’ and ‘careful planning’ have been done to ensure success. The event will definitely garner lots of visitors from Freaktopia, the Heavenly Realm and the Other Realm as Veggiepura has worked hard to prevent live broadcast, online streaming, satellite spying and crystal ball viewing of the event,” said a spokesperson from Veggiepura’s Ministry of Information, Communication and Arts. It also mentioned that the country is going make the event the most exciting, costliest and bloodiest in the history of F5 racing.

The F5 Inter-realm Racing Committee (FIRC) revealed plans to select Veggiepura’s Eggplant Expressway as the race’s course. Eggplant Expressway boasts an impressive length of 987654321 km with a total of 987654321000 Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) gantries. Each gantry is located just 1 metre from the next and charges $100 for passing through it. To ensure that the country will not suffer from revenue loss, all participating vehicles will be installed with a device that blows up the vehicle and its driver with the force of 200 nuclear warheads should it try to pass through a gantry with insufficient cash. The Eggplant Expressway begins at the foot of Mount St. Salad and wound itself around the mountain’s treacherous slopes. It then enters the mountain at the summit, roller-coaster itself through the mountain’s pitch black interior and exit out into Scarecrow Field, which is populated by residential possessed scarecrows and spectral crows. According to the ruling of F5, racers are required to make 999 rounds around the race circuit to complete it.

The Freakstimes understands that the FIRC intends to have several racing vehicles sabotaged, coating the mountainous tracks with Extra-Slip Canola Cooking Oil and booby-trapping Scarecrow Field with ZGMF-666s Legendary Landmines. The sabotaged vehicles will have their brakes removes, wheels loosened and have a contorted Al-Thosai suicide bomber expertly planted and concealed beneath the driver’s seat. Meanwhile, coating the race tracks with cooking oil will give bookies all over Freaktopia to open more windows for illegal betting such as which particular racer will slip off the mountain to its death at the 554th corner and how many racers will zoom off the cliff at top speed.

Finally, the planting of landmines in Scarecrow Field will give racers trained in Minesweeper a chance to outstrip their speedier counterparts who are pondering over the possible mine locations for a time long enough for the Duck Medium to reincarnate several times. These are some of the actions the FIRC will be taking to give the F5 race a more exciting vibe and the surprise to keep the audience glued permanently to their seats.

“Of course, enthusiastic audiences are very much welcomed to join their favourite racers in the race by running beside them, or welding themselves to the vehicles,” said Mr Zhng Engine, the chairperson of the organising committee. He added that any additional ideas or efforts to increase the body count are much appreciated and will be placed into action without any delay. It is revealed that all funeral costs and repairs to damaged public and private properties will be handled by the racers.

F5, held annually in different parts of Freaktopia, is the grandest and most anticipated racing event in the history of Freaktopia. It involves highly-trained mutabaks travelling at a breakneck speed of 0.1mm per hour in professional racing trishaws. Over several uncountable millennia, the rules have mutated and today, racers are allowed to use vehicles such as unicycles and push carts. Several critics speculated that some might be using toy scooters, NTUC trolleys and wheelchairs installed with jet engines or propellers.

There has not been a champion since 35,000 BM (Before Mutabak) as all of the participants perished within 10cm of the starting line. It was forecasted by the High Summoner Urban Geek and Duck Medium that all of the racers will die from diseases, curses, accidents and other assorted misfortunes and unforeseen circumstances before the starting horn goes off. Several racers such as Ferrero Asshole and Michelle Shoemaker took the predictions very seriously and had employed the Duck Medium to bribe King Yama of the Other Realm to allow them to survive the race, although no promises of avoiding misfortunes such as loss of limbs, paralysis and permanent coma were made. “Maybe I might get a Replacement Slave from Shop N Slave to take my place,” said a paranoid Mr Asshole who started seeing death portents everywhere since the spiritual proclamations by the Medium and Summoner.

- Reported by Mr Sam Spoiler and additional reporting by F5 correspondent, Mr Bob Bodywork

News Flash! - Ministry of Education Makes Landmark Education Reform

2010-10-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

Royal Urban University of Mutabak (Freaktopia) – Mutabak Kingdom’s top-ranking university, the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, might soon face intense academic and economic competition as the kingdom’s Ministry of Education decided (after several centuries of debate and procrastination) to remove the education sector’s barriers to entry, after being criticized by countless students (who failed to get a place) and parents, as a source of suicide, homicide, genocide and the cause of all sins, social ills and the ultimate destroyer of lives, future, families and dreams.

The decision to allow foreign universities from strange continents and alien lands to set up shop on the vast and expansive lands of Mutabak Kingdom is to explore and open up new sources of revenue for the empire, in other words; finding new, innovative and politically innocent ways to fleece unsuspecting citizens of their money. The Finance Ministry’s statement given to FreaksTimes claimed that the kingdom is in excellent financial health, although it said the additional national income could be used to invest in areas of research such as the improvement in immortality technology, betterment of spiritual infrastructure between Freaktopia and the Other Realm, and the making of curry missiles and other assorted spicy armaments to improve its national defense system.

Till date, only the Unknown University and Crampbridge University have successfully obtained the approval from the Ministry of Education via bribery and threats of culinary violence. Several applicants such as Harvest University, Woodbridge University and Imperial Fijian Institute of Cannibalism have submitted their applications together with enclosed bribes ranging from $7 to $999 trillion in cheque, cash or its equivalent.

At a press conference held at Allopia Spy School’s janitor’s closet, the Princess said: “with the influx of educational *cough* institutions from all over the place, we can all bear witness to more frantic students and kiasu parents trying to sabotage and do each other in, in the vain attempt of trying to graduate from school alive.” When asked on the expected mortality rate of students in Freaktopia, the Princess Mutabak sagely and coyly replied that more funeral directors are hired to handle the highly probable escalation in body count and homicide cases. Minister in the Princess’s Toilet advised parents to top up their offspring’s insurance and make necessary arrangements with the family coroner and funeral director should some lethal event misfortune befall on them.

Reported by: Duck Medium

Korean Billboard Chart of TOP HITS!!!

2010-09-17T06:26:00.000-07:00

Korean songs are all the rage these days in Freaktopia! Let's check out the top Korean songs this week! And along the way, catch up on the latest, juicy news about your favourite Korean singers and girl and boy groups!

No. 1 - Somebody by Wonderful Girls

Wonderful Girls recently sang their no.1 hit song Somebody for the Princess of Murtabak at the Murtabak Palace, and their wonderful performance brought tears to the Princess's eyes as she is their number 1 fan.

No. 2 - Bananamama by Super Senior

Super Senior which has about 999 members at last count, recently released their new song called Banananoma (or Bomananama? Banomanoma? aye..whatever!). Their MTV features Banana in Pajamas dancing in a cheap warehouse with flickering lights)

No. 3 - Funeral Dress by Too Young

This very tragic song by Too Young made it to the Guineas (Pig) Records for selling 999,999,999 copies within 5 seconds. Apparently, this is because of the recent spate of mass migration to the Other Realm which led to a spike in funeral services and hence the playing of this very befitting song for the numerous farewell ceremonies.

No. 4 - Har??? by 5Minute

5Minute is an up and coming girl band with loads of talent (each member has more talent than all the SNSD members combined) and their latest song "Har???" promises to move you to your feet and groove along to their beat!

No. 5 - Arirang by Kim Boo Bum

This is the classic, all-time favourite Korean song. This song is actually in the Guineas (Pig) Record for holding its position in the Korean Billboard charts since 742984477 B.M. (Before Murtabak)!!!

Reported by: Lin Kim Park

News Flash! - Forever21 Collaborates with Immortal SSW to Create Beauty Immortal Pills

2010-08-19T23:08:00.001-07:00

Freaktopia - The creator of holy garments like the Ne Zha Scarf, The Invincible Holy Vest, the Violet Divine Tunic, the Ultimate Holy Bodysuit, the Heavenly Thunderpants, and the God-Blessed Headgear, has revolutionized the fashion world with its line of magic-empowered apparels since 1000 BM (Before Murtabaks) And now, it is set to bring its hordes of manic fans (usually recognized by their frothing at the mouth and bloodshot eyes) even more fantastic products, through its collaboration with the Holy Immortal SSW Corporation to produce Beauty Immortal Pills. According to sources (highly unreliable), these pills can keep the consumer young forever, just like what they look like at 21 years old!

"We are very excited about the collaboration and we hope that our fans will love the new products! As always, we are committed to our company mission to bring eternal youth to all who are willing to splurge ridiculously absurd sums of money on their appearance!" said Miss Jojo Jo, CEO of Forever21 Inc.

The kaypo reporter also had the rare opportunity to interview the Holy Immortal SSW, who had descended to Freaktopia from his abode on top of Mount Pra to participate in the ribbon-cutting and party-poppers popping session at Waffles Hotel. In fact, the Holy Immortal SSW only comes down to the mortal realm once every pink moon.

"I look forward to this collaboration between Forever21 and my company. I'm sure we can create amazing beauty pills with our powerful technology that is way ahead of time (possibly ahead of alien technologies as well). We look forward to making an insane amount of money out of this generation of image and youth-obsessed consumers!" said the Holy Immortal SSW.

The Forever21-SSW Beauty Immortal Pills is estimated to be priced at $999999 per bottle and is only available at Forever21 stores. Starcup users are entitled to 0.0001% discount.

On a side note, rival company Miss Selfish is rumoured to be planning a collaboration with the Allopia Spy School to create weapon-enhanced apparels, such as the self-detonating life-vest, landmine-studded T-shirt, and Flying Guillotine Hats. Fans of bloodied encounters have expressed great interest in these new products.

How will the competition between Forever21 and Miss Selfish pan out? Only time will tell...

Reported by: Urban Geek

Unclassified - Orbituary

2010-08-16T08:01:00.000-07:00

Today, we celebrate the expiration of a whopping 2 citizens of Freaktopia. Join us as we cheer for their permanent exile to the Other Realm. As a parting gift for these expired souls, they will be awarded $500,000 (Hell notes) to spend in the underworld (only at Bimbocity, terms and conditions apply). Families of these souls will be given 1 year's supply of Kleenex tissue to cry with (by the kind generosity of The Tissue Company).

1. Miss Mee Soto, 39

Miss Mee expired unpeacefully on 7/7, leaving behind loved ones.

Cause of death: Watched the Ring tape on a 1000 inch TV, resulting in a curse that's magnified 1000 times in power.

Family members:
Father: Mee Siam
Mother: Wanton Mee
Brother: Mee Pok
Sister: Mee Kia

2. Mrs Meh Meh

Mrs Meh Meh departed for the other realm peacefully, leaving behind loved ones.

Cause of death: Mrs Meh Meh died from her obsessive compulsive disorder in counting sheeps. She counted up to over 1000000000000 before passing away in grief when she realized that Freaktopia does not have that many sheeps.

Family members:
Son: Mah Meh Mo
Daughter: Ma Mee

P.S: Freaktopian Casket Association is currently facing a shortage of undertakers. Interested and qualified parties are encouraged to apply at The Freaktopian National Cemetary.

Requirements:
- hold a degree in Undertaker course at any Poison Ivy League Colleges.
- trained in controlling hordes of hopping vampires at the Zhang Taoist School
- minimum 100 years experience preferred
- fresh graduates may apply as graduate trainees under Grand Master Jiang Shi Dao Zhang.

Reported by: Urban Geek

Happy National Day to ALL FREAKTOPIANS!!!

2010-08-11T06:04:00.000-07:00

From:
Urban Geek

Joke of the day - Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

2010-07-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Source: http://www.funnyandjokes.com/need-a-bad-day-to-get-into-heaven.html

News Flash! - A Series of Unfortunate Events

2010-07-20T22:53:00.000-07:00

Freaktopia - The Divine Duck Medium was sent to the Intensive Care Unit at the FreakTockSeng Hospital after a freak accident which resulted in his Memory Leakage Disease. According to the incompetent Brain Specialist Dr. Pang Sai, the Duck Medium's memory was leaking at a shocking rate of 1000 metre cube per second, enough to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool every minute.

A close acquaintance of the Duck Medium said that his memory leakage was probably caused by one of his divine rituals which went haywire. According to him, the accident happened when the Duck Medium was conducting a Rain Calling Ritual on top of Waffles Tower. He was chanting the Rainfall Incantation and swinging his wooden sword and throwing rice everywhere when he accidentally knocked over the bowl of rice with his inept sword-swinging. This incurred the wrath of the Rain God, resulting in the major floods and thunderstorm. The suay Duck Medium was thus struck by a lighting, causing his memories to leak.

Dr Pang and his team of useless brain surgeons are frantically finding ways to plug the rupture in his brain to stop the memory leakage, but it was believed that they would need at least 20 years to find a viable solution. At the moment, his memory leakage is causing a major pollution to the environment, where Freaktopian citizens are complaining of seeing apparitions of gruesome images of mastication and hallucinating morbid visions. Mindfreak Consultants have been called in to alleviate the situation. Mindfreak Consultants CEO Criss-cross Angel said gravely, "This is certainly one of the worst problems we have encountered. We need to mop up the leaked memories floating around in Freaktopia. This is a tricky situation. I just want this to be over and I want my life back."

Furthermore, as a result of this unfortunate incident, the Duck Medium Corporation stock prices plunged more than 700%. Investors are committing suicide left, right, centre, up, down and sideways. The War Street is certainly seeing one of the worst financial crisis in its history (the worst happened during the Mutabak vs Prata Wars in 99B.M.)

Meanwhile, the Reverend Duck Medium has been reduced to a vegetative state at the FreakTockSeng Hospital. The Veggiepura Minister has expressed interest to take him in as its new citizen. However, the Princess of Mutabak refused his offer because she still considers the Duck Medium as a valuable asset to Freaktopia. She has called for a grand operation to collect the leaked memories and transfer them back into his brain.

Will Duck Medium rise again? Only time will tell.

Reported by Urban Geek

News Flash! - Green War between Veggiepura vs. Fruitopia

2010-07-19T07:39:00.000-07:00

Freaktopia – It seems that trouble is blossoming between the vegetable kingdom of Veggiepura and the fruity republic of Fruitopia as the two vegetarian superpowers are taking up arms over a recent dispute over who is to be the rightful of a Jurassic Age greenhouse containing the fossilised remains of several prehistoric fruits and vegetables resting peacefully in pots of volcanic stone.
The ancient architecture and its contents are of great importance to both nations as it concerns their national identity, ancestry and heritage. Both Veggiepura and Fruitopia are claiming the ruin as theirs as it represents their vegetative might and power, as well as an essential part of an elaborate scheme to expand their influence well beyond the green borders.
Uncannily, both parties expressed no intention to expand their empires into the vast territory of Mutabak Kingdom. Dialogues between Veggiepura and Fruitopia have crumbled like a poorly baked apple crumble, and ended in death threats and promises to send Carrot Missiles V4 and Avocado Bomb MK-II flying across the crow-infested skies of Freaktopia. However, Mutabak Kingdom’s timely intervention in the cross-border conflict saved both vegetative nations before they get themselves smashed, peeled, splattered and cooked in a juicy battle that sprang from a purile bicker.

According to the historians at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, the ancient ruin is known as Necroherbopolis, City of the Dead Plants. Their musty, yellowed and worm-eaten history textbooks revealed that the Necroherbopolis was a sacred ground where fruits and vegetables, once a unified race, took turns to sacrifice each other to their vegetarian deity on the holy Altar of Sacrifice’s chopping board, so as to have their prayers for fertile soil, baking sun and flooding rains answered.

Historical records of Veggiepura and Fruitopia concurred with the historians’ theory of the hourly fights taking a toll on the plants’ population, which caused an extended and aggressive argument to break-out on the streets and mutate into a full-fledged civil war, ending in the slaughter of the last ruler of Necroherbopolis, Emperor Nightshade de Mandrake XXVII, and the eventual separation of fruits and vegetables into their respective separate nations today. As a result, the Necroherbopolis came to be used as a burial ground for expired (shrivelled, rotten or dried) fruits and vegetables.

The Necroherbopolis was discovered by pure coincidence when the Gullwings Exploration Corporation’s airship, the Celsius, crash-landed in the Kopi Desert due to a mysterious combination of engine failure, technical problems and a hopelessly drunk Rikku at the steering wheel. The Celsius nosedived from an impressive altitude of 99,999 feet above the stratosphere and crashed into an unknown mountain in the mountainous range of Masalasia.

The forceful collision obliterated the eastern flank of the mountain, releasing an avalanche which buried 300 villages (with total population of 650,000) and in turn caused the extinction of the Masalsian aboriginal race of Pisang Goreng, which has been living in poverty since the creation of Freaktopia and has been hailed as a national liability. In the process, a hidden stone entrance, inscribed with ancient herboglyphs, was revealed. Stone statues of the guardian deities of Veggiepura and Fruitopia, Lord Carrotcake and Lord Applepie, guarded the entrance to the prehistoric site.

The YRP decided to play on the safe side of caution as the ancient and incomprehensible herboglyphs might mean a death curse or the activation of destructive spells such as Mega-Flare or Ultima, which are highly capable of obliterating the party in an instant. Hence, the trio employed the High Summoner, who had recently earned her Doctor's Degree in Vegetarian Studies and was awarded an honorary degree in Botanical Pathology and Management, to translate the lost squiggles left behind by ancient plants.

The Duck Medium was hired to liaise with the lingering botanical spirits to allow the exploration team to safely excavate and document the site, learn more of the Necroherbopolis, unearth hidden history, and perhaps rewrite some historical records which are riddled with inconsistencies and errors, for the benefit of both Veggiepura and Fruitopia, and ultimately, for the good of the denizens of Freaktopia.

Unfortunately, the excavation of the Necroherbopolis did not seem to go smoothly for the Gullwings Exploration Corporation as Veggiepura and Fruitopia began exchanging explosive greetings in the early hours, which caused several titanic stone slabs to fall from the ceiling onto a few unfortunate laborers. The explosions also caused the comatose spirits to lose their beauty sleep and become extremely moody, grouchy and foul-tempered.

As time progressed, the option of spiritual negotiations with the stubborn, unfriendly and childish herbal apparitions got unceremoniously thrown out of the window as they became extremely fond of throwing tantrums, possessing innocent workers and hurling heavy fossils and curses at the team. An exasperated Duck Medium and a snapped High Summoner submitted a petition to Emperor Lettuce and President Durian to grant them the permission to exorcise the horde of annoying botanical poltergeists.

As farms continue to be burnt and cratered by Carrot Missiles V4 and greenhouses demolished by Avocado Warhead MK-II, it is the citizens of Fruitopia and Veggiepura who are suffering the consequence of their ruler’s warlike behaviour. Hundreds and thousands of plants uprooted themselves and fled their burning homeland. They are risking lethal dehydration and potential withering by trekking across the expansive Kopi Desert to seek refuge in Mutabak Kingdom, who swore to welcome them into its hot and oily non-stick frying pans.
It appears that the war between the two botanical superpowers is beginning to take a toll on the multi-verse of Freaktopia as the denizens on that chaotic plane of existence are starting to experience withdrawal symptoms due to the lack of nourishing greens in their diet. The battle is very unlikely to be over soon and the Very United Nations are too afraid of incurring the herbal wrath of Veggiepura and Fruitopia, lest they decide to deny the world of its supply of vitamins.

- Reported by Duck Medium and additional reporting by Tai Chin Chai

News Flash!

2010-07-06T04:59:00.000-07:00

Heavenly Realm (Existing somewhere in Freaktopia) – The recent theft of the secret Meng Po’s Soups and Meng Mei’s Congee recipes has raised concerns among the Enlightened Ones and Divine Beings as those recipes, if misused, could easily plunge the multi-verse of Freaktopia into a boiling stew of disaster, mayhem, chaos and catastrophe.

Although many are scoffing at the theft of the recipes; ridiculous scraps of paper with noxious ingredients and impossible-to-follow cooking instructions scribbled in an illegible handwriting, the leaders of Freaktopia are pooling their resources to recover those stolen cooking instructions.

The question, at present, posed by the general unsympathetic and hopelessly ignorant denizens of the Freaktopian multi-verse is why is everyone slogging their guts out and risking their limb, life and sanity just to retrieve some cooking recipes written on poor-quality foolscap paper?

The General concept of Freaktopians is that the recipes were written by the Meng Sisters whenever they were suddenly inspired by a festering cockroach or a well-flattened road-kill. However, it is unknown to the common folk that Meng Po and Meng Mei had received divine inspirations for their signature dishes, which were bestowed upon them by the Cooking God, who witnessed their passion for cooking. He was touched by their unwavering devotion to cooking despite a lifetime of failure, several demolished kitchens, numerous food poisoning lawsuits and causing countless to fall victim to their lethal by-product of a dish. In return, the Cooking God received payment in the form of burnt paper offerings made by the grateful Meng Sisters.

Due to his failure, or perhaps negligence to report his additional income to the Tax Revenue Authority of Heaven (TRAH), the Cooking God was charged with gross tax evasion. In addition to his crime, the deity would also be slapped on the felony of rendering assistance to dangerously hopeless mortal beings, who possessed the propensity to create chaos and unleash unnecessary death on the Freaktopian plane of existence, which could adversely affect the well-being of the Heavenly Realm.

At present, the Other Realm has yet to make any comments on the arrest of the Cooking God, though it expressed its delight of seeing the Heavenly realm plunge into chaos and panic. Due to the arrest of the Cooking God, the deity was unable to give his blessings to keep kitchen accidents at bay, which resulted in chefs all over Freaktopia to suffer from severed fingers, first degree burns, acute food poisoning and dying in explosions due to leaking gas cylinders.

The Union of Incapacitated and Permanently Disabled Chefs (UIPDC) is drafting a petition to the Supreme Celestial Court to demand the release of the Cooking God, before all in the profession are wiped out by mundane catastrophes. Should the Supreme Celestial Court refuse to accede to the mortals’ request, the humans will starve the gods of paper offerings, which could severely cripple both the realm’s economy and the gods’ powers.

Although the recipes were secured in a top-notch Goldilocks Safe Ver. XXX and with security of the building enhanced multi-fold by nearly infinite layers of Goldilocks Security Systems Omega Calculus and curses laid by the Duck Medium, High Summoner and Immortal SSW, the mysterious burglar still managed to make off with the entire safe amid activations of highly destructive spells that caused damage on a scale rivalling a dimensional nuclear war.

The theft incident at the Meng Sisters Food & Beverage Headquarters has thrown the Enlightened Union into blind panic as it is trying to obtain a arrest warrant to throw the Duck Medium, High Summoner and Immortal SSW behind the bars of the Celestial Gaol, for their safety and to protect their divine secrets from falling into the wrong limbs.

Meanwhile, the Buddha Association beseeched the holy Immortal SSW to increase the security of his secrets and factories as his pills possesses extremely immortalising properties which could cause any unrepentant sinner to immediately attain nirvana and become a Buddha, soiling the sanctity of Buddhahood and creating an uncontrollable influx of illegal celestial immigrants.

The High Summoner’s spells of pure rage, devastating destruction and instant death were so powerful that they could decimate the multi-verse of Freaktopia in a flash. Similarly, the Duck Medium is unconcerned about the safety of its Psyduck’s Grimoire of Fowl Spells as the ancient tome is written in an otherworldly language that could only be comprehended by the Duck Medium and its distant cousin, Count Duckcula.

“I have hidden my High Summoner’s Textbook revised addition beneath the Royal Urban University of Mutabak’s library. Of course, the path to my Textbook is fraught with danger as it is guarded by instant death traps, unsolvable puzzles and a horde of carnivorous vegetative guardians such as Rogue Tomatoes, Deadly Nightshade, Onion Knights and my all-time favourite plant in Freaktopia; M-A-L-B-O-R-O,” said the High Summoner Urban Geek. “in addition, I have summoned by Dark Aeons, as well as throwing in impossible-to-defeat bosses like Omega Weapon, Ruby Weapon, Asthma, Penance and Whiskey the Imperial Irritating Canine of Mutabak Kingdom,” elaborated the High Summoner on her choice of tough and annoying guardians to protect her arcane secrets. Goldilocks awarded the High Summoner’s security system the rank of Absolutely-Not-Worth-My-Life-To-Rob.

Finally, the Immortal SSW's Scroll of Enlightening Pills is rumoured to be missing somewhere in time as the Immortal SSW was supposedly to have hidden it in some prehistoric era, and developed Leaky Memory subsequently. The scroll is bathed in layers of corrosive mucus, lethal saliva and encrusted in a thick shell of Immortal Body Dirt Amour, which is impervious to lasers, explosives, blades, drill and magic. It is also common-sense that the magical document is protected by foul-tempered T-rexs, PMS-ing Aerodactyls, rampaging Triceratops and the almighty Megazord from Power Rangers. The Immortal SSW’s security system was given the rank of Perish-The-Thought by Goldilocks.

With the Freaktopian multi-verse pooling together all of its dwindling resources, would the Meng Sisters be able to recover their mayhem-causing recipes or would the situation become as irrecoverable as spilt Meng Po Toxic Soup? As the three realms of existence continue to race against time, an unknown perpetrator is hiding in some kitchen, stewing a strange, noxious and congealing plot to lay ruin to Freaktopia. Could the culprit be a jealous rival of the Meng Sisters or perhaps an accomplice of the TFM-Stephanie-Al Thosai Alliance?

- Reported by Mr Chiak Buay Tua

Unclassified Advertisements

2010-07-04T03:57:00.000-07:00

Miss Tanutama's Pet Shop

We sell: Tarantula spiders and Tanutamas

Location: 9 Tanutama Lane, Freaktopia

Price: Ranging from $0.05 for a house spider to $9999999 for our rarest King Tanutama Spider

CD-LAMA (Tibet Branch)

We sell:

- Buddhist Scripts (Books and Audio) --- $2.50 each

- Buddhist Preaching (Audio and video) --- $7 each

- Buddhist Rock & Roll (CD and DVD) --- Price depends on the rock band (see below)

1. Nirvana: $1000

2. Linking Parts: $899

3. Limp Cookies: $720

4. The Crumbling Stones: $660

5. Coldpray: $550

- How to be a Taoist (VCD) --- $90

- How to conduct rituals (DVD) -- $120

- Ritual Accidents (Blue Ray) ---$1999

"Lama nama mama come to laa laa, namo amitopho..hom money money hom..."

Location: Top of the Pagoda, 5 Buddha-Fingers Mountain, 7 Buddha Road, Freaktopia

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reported by: Duck Medium

Edited by: Urban Geek

News Flash! - News in 1 Minute

2010-06-29T18:12:00.000-07:00

Mutabak Kingdom (Freaktopia) – Last night, at approximately the haunting hour of 1 am, there was a break-in at 911 Siow Building at 99th Heavenly Avenue. The 841- storey high skyscraper is where the headquarters of the Meng Sisters Food & Beverage International located in. Investigations by the Mutabak Police Force revealed signs of forced entry and that not a single penny was stolen from the cashier till[1], but a safe full of secret recipes for Meng Po’s soups and Meng Mei’s congees had vanished into the thin air. The office where the safe was placed is splattered with blood, entrails, gore, leftovers and an unidentified green substance. Chemical analysis revealed the green substance to be vomit and the police concluded that either the culprit or victim have projectile vomited all over the office’s walls and ceiling.

“According to our not-so-thorough investigation, we discovered that the Meng Sisters have several jealous rivals in the food and beverage industry. Loy Kee’s Worst Chicken Rice, Boo Dong Kee and Whiskie’s Connoisseur Cuisine are among our 24-page long list of prime suspects, which also include the convenience shop located in an ulu corner of Beggar Lane,” said Senior Inspector Masalah Mati. He intended to haul the suspects down to the station for intensive interrogation. Mr Mati said he would try to apprehend the culprits as soon as possible, though Freakstimes’s reporter Mr Kaypoberry had insider’s information that claimed the senior inspector to be a hopelessly lazy lout.

“I estimated at least 12 have perished in the office as the amount of offal, volume of blood and piles of leftovers are simply rough approximations of the death toll. It is the number of heads left all over the place that gave my forensics team the clue,” said a forensic personnel who declined to be named for fear of sacking and assassination. “furthermore, I daresay the twelve consists of a confusing mixture of culprit, victim and kaypo toilet cleaners, hostages, oblivious colleagues and perhaps a security guard sleeping on the job,” he concluded. The forensic report revealed that the office’s shredding machine, espresso machine and a mop are the primary murder weapons, though it seems that the culprits have made effective use of the 840th storey’s windows.

The theft of the secret recipes was so huge a blow to the Meng Sisters to bear that they were reduced to a useless weeping heap on the floor. Neither the police nor Freakstimes’s army of persistent and busybody reporters could pry any information out of the crying, weeping, sobbing and wailing pair whom are doing a splendid job of flooding the area with their tears. “Without our recipes, we can’t sell jack!” wailed a thoroughly distraught Meng Po, who proceeded to swoon into a dead faint and had to be sent to Freak Tock Seng Hospital for Expiration Therapy. A report from the hospital showed that the sisters have been receiving treatment for Terminal Leaky Memory. And without the guidance and detailed instructions of the recipes, kitchen catastrophes and culinary disasters are bound to ensue and would end with their customers living healthier and with extended longevity.

The Mutabak Police Force is under tremendous pressure applied by the overly-concerned public, a hysterical pair of wailing Meng Sisters and a furious royal patron; Queen Mutabak I. With time racing against them, will the useless and overweight legal force crack the tough-as-a-walnut case or will they crack under its strain?

- Reported by Adam S. Apple. Additional reporting by Kaypoberry and Duck Medium

News Flash! Special Feature on Veggiepura

2010-06-29T18:09:00.000-07:00

Veggiepura (Somewhere in Freaktopia) – Established nearly thirty million years ago, in the year 32010 B.M. (Before Mutabak), the Gullwings Exploration Corporation had constantly been on the move to explore the wild, insane, ever-expanding, mysterious and impossible lands of Freaktopia for the benefit of Freak-kind. Ever since its ground-breaking discovery of the incomprehensible universe of the Heavenly realm and excavation of the long-lost civilization of Euthanasia, the Gullwings Exploration Corporation has yet to create another tombstone in its career for nearly twenty-nine thousand years.

Facing mounting criticisms from the highly critical Sinkapooreans and complaints from its investors, stockholders and board of directors, the Gullwings’ YRP (Yuna Braska, Rikku and Paine) could bear the incessant naggings no more and stormed off to the Imperial Library of the Royal Urban University of Mutabak at Mount Pra to conduct research on decaying scrolls and worm-ravaged tomes scribbled in childish squiggles by rheumatic hands.

After being buried by several lethal avalanches of collapsing mountains of books, fistfuls of hair being torn out in frustration and throwing tantrums befitting the member of a royal Mutabak family, the YRP finally chanced upon an ancient tome written in characters resembling vegetables. The trio concluded that the book might lead to the discovery of a new land in Freaktopia inhabited by vegetables walking on stubby little legs, as well as a way to shut the traps of the public and its investors for several seconds before they begin their tirade anew.

Engaging the assistance of the revered Duck Medium, who was taking a well-deserved break at its cousin’s, Count Duckula’s, private villa after making endless pilgrimages to the sacred Mount Ro to pray for the recovery of the collapsing Freaktopian economy (refer to Money-Faced section for more information on Freaktopia’s financial woes), to decipher the ancient herboglyphs, the YRP learned that the book is a field guide to locating the powerful and aggressive vegetable nation; Veggiepura. Upon the full translation of the vegetarian text, the Duck Medium entered into a trance and predicted that the Mutabak Kingdom will prosper if it manages to beat the vegetables into submission. This prediction was presented to Princess Mutabak who immediately summoned her court and had shut themselves up in the State Room ever since, with whispers of conspiracy and schemes floating out of the door’s keyhole.

After trekking across the Congee Jungle, climbing the Hombalaya Mountain Range (a distant geological relative of Mount Pra and Mount Ro), swimming across the piranha-infested Pathetic Ocean and nearly perishing at the cannibalistic appetite of native Fijians, the Gullwings Exploration Corporation finally arrived at the borders of Veggiepura. Strangely, the Duck Medium appears to understand the dialect of Veggiepura and began to engage the Onion Knights, standing guard at the city gates, in a heated debate over the ethical implications of enforced vegetarianism, which earned the party an audience with the monarch of Veggiepura; Emperor Lettuce Le Veggiepura.

Veggiepura is a kingdom which is extremely rich in vegetative resources and mineral water, as well as potent fertilizers which could enable a desert to grow into a jungle within an hour. Its military might is not to be underestimated as its soldiers are trained to choke their enemies to death by stuffing themselves down the throats of their foes. A deadly arsenal of highly radioactive Toadstool Missile AK-222 and Pumpkin King XXX-4 are effective deterrents to potential invaders as each contains an explosive force of 5000 super novas. Despite the vast distance between Mutabak Kingdom and Veggiepura, the Princess Mutabak is attempting to establish diplomatic ties with the vegetable empire via Spirit Conference, an arcane technique of communicating with others over long distances by speaking through a medium connected to the Trance Spiritual Airwaves. The ignorant and obstinate Emperor Lettuce was rudely refusing all the generous terms offered by the Princess Mutabak, which caused several of his Ministers of Trade and Finance to faint as they calculate the astronomical amount of revenue the Emperor is refusing. In addition, the Minister of Foreign Affairs died of acute cardio failure when the Princess Mutabak demanded to speak to him. However, Emperor Lettuce yielded to the conditions laid by the Imperial Princess of Mutabak when she finally snapped (as she had completely lost it) and screamed to decimate the vegetables with the nation’s latest and most sadistic weapon; the Thousand Spice Chicken Curry Warhead MK-IV. If the diplomatic dialogue goes well, Mutabak Kingdom would be able to procure an extremely cheap source of yeast, which could be obtained by executing the death row prisoners whom are festering beneath the Fernleaf National High Security Prison, located in the Poison Ivy Wastelands just 5000 km from the capital of Veggiepura.

Discovery of Veggiepura and the establishing of diplomatic ties between Mutabak Kingdom and vegetable nation soon reached the ears of the kaypo Mutabakians, who suddenly realized the hidden potential of vegetables, and soon there is a roaring market for the vegetable trade. The Immortal SSW had requested the Gullwings to export some of Veggiepura’s citizens to his laboratory in the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, as he wanted to study their anatomy and learn how vegetables are able to move about, and more importantly, to find out if Veggiepureans will increase the potency of his immortal pills. Simultaneously, the Meng Sisters are also demanding fresh samples of Veggiepureans as they want to use them in their culinary experiments to produce new dishes to satisfy the customers’ palate, provide interesting dining sensations and experiences, and to hasten their expiration. Prata, too, had jumped into the fray to obtain illegal and rare specimens of Veggiepureans as his tingling fashion sense tells him that Potato skin Bags and Celery heels would be the fashion of that season.

Upon the discovery of Veggiepura, the shares of Gullwings Exploration Corporation are expected to rise for the next few days. The YRP will also be able to enjoy a few days of peace and quiet until the board of directors and shareholders decided to start complaining to break the silence. To credit the exploration team for its efforts, the Imperial Princess of Mutabak bestowed the YRP the Order of Masala, the Second highest honor given to a civilian citizen of the Oily Empire of Mutabak.
- Reported by Duck Medium and additional reporting by Urban Geek

Unclassified - Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe

2010-05-26T06:28:00.000-07:00

The newest shop to spring up along the Backstreet Night Market (owned by Backstreet Boys) is the Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe. The extremely kaypo reporter, Mr Kaypoberry made a trip down to the Cafe, which is tucked away in a very ulu corner of the Backstreet to dig out some juicy news for you greedy and gluttony readers.

The first thing that the reporter noticed when he stepped into the shop was that the owner looked very familiar. In fact, he is Mr Kana Sai, the hot favorite in the last Martial Arts Competition held last century!

Run by Mr Kana Sai, who was previously popularly featured in Freakstimes's bi-millenium Martial Arts Competition, the sushi cafe carries a huge variety of sushis, ranging from the usual fare to the downright out-of-this-world range of sushis.

"After failing to win the championship title in the Martial Arts Competition, I decided to give up fighting and focus on my other favourite pastime instead - making sushis!" Said Mr Kana Sai, while rolling the rice into balls with his hands (which wasn't washed after he stepped out of the toilet).

"I love making different kinds of sushis! We should have more varieties of sushis than what is currently served in all those common mainstream japanese restaurants!" Mr Kana Sai added excitedly, spluttering his saliva into the sushi balls.

Currently, he is the sole owner of his cafe without any employees because he has no money. But he is looking to hire Sushi Interns who are willing to accept below minimum wage and be severely overworked and starved.* (details below). Interested parties may apply directly at his shop.

Our Kaypo reporter tasted 99% of the 9999 varieties of sushis and below are the best ones he picked out:

1. Nuclear Wasabe Bomb sushi
Ingredients: 99% wasabi, 1% rice
Description: This sushi is made using a ladle of top-grade wasabe from the Mountains of Osaka, added on top of 5 grains of rice. This sushi is perfect for wasabe lovers. Additional wasabe can be added at $28 per ladle.
Warning: You may suffer from permanent throat damage. Estimated to affect 99% of customers.

2. Tamade Goni Sushi
Ingredients: Egg, rice, and fresh seaweed
Description: A messy goo of rotten half-boiled egg is mixed with some rice and rolled into balls, and then wrapped with seaweed which is fresh from the Sentosa Sea. The salty seaweed apparently goes really well with the rotten egg taste!
Warning: Severe diarrhoea may result, and more critical cases may lead to coma.

3. Kaninabe Sushi
Ingredients: Crab meat, spider eggs, and rice
Description: Minced crab meat is mixed with Thousand Pagoda Thai Chili Sauce and Tanutama Tarantula Spider eggs, and the delicious concoction is placed on top of rolled up rice, and then wrapped with pandan leaf like Bachang.
Warning: Tanutama Tarantula Spiders may emerge after you unwrap the Bachang. In the event that this happens, please don't eat the spiders as they are extremely endangered species, and you should send them to the SPCA (Spiders Protection and Care Assocation).

4. Kanasai Sushi
Ingredients: Rotten eggpplant, bread mould, chicken backside essence, Smelly Toufu, and thousand year old durian, mixed in spoilt Dutch Lady Yoghurt and placed on top of rice washed with fishtank water, and wrapped with barbecued seaweed.
Description: The signboard dish of Oh-ee-Shit Sushi Cafe, this sushi flavour is proclaimed by Mr Kana Sai as his favourite and best innovation. Indeed, Kaypoberry's verdict was that it truly lives up to its name as tasting like shit.

5. Kaneena Sushi
Ingredients: ikan bilis, banana skin, asparagus, and tree bark, all mashed up and added on top of rice and wrapped in freshly-mowed grass (who says you have to use seaweed?)
Description: The mush of highly incompatible ingedients created such a huge clash of taste that even a person with no taste-buds would faint and foam at the mouth from the extremely flavourful mixture.

6. Cow Peh Cow Bu Sushi
Ingredients: sliced beef marinated in dishwater, wrapped over rice and then sprinkled with sawdust
Description: For beef lovers, this sushi uses premium beef specially imported from the Mad Cow Disease Farm in Sinkapula. Even the dishwater is specially imported from the Hilton Hotel in Old York.
Warning: people without Mad Cow Disease may have a 80% of contracting the disease, while those with Mad Cow Disease would be 100% cured after eating this sushi.

7. Sibeh Sialan Sushi
Ingredients: Fishball, fried Kway teow and fried carrot cake, mashed up and mixed in Maggi Goreng sauce, and added on top of Loy Kee's Worse chicken rice, and then wrapped in popiah skin.
Description: This is one unique sushi with a local flavour for Sinkapulans! A must try for tourists who wish to have a taste of all our notorious local dishes, all at once!

8. Honi Kishi Sushi
Ingredients: Poison Toad meat, Lionfish meat, and box jellyfish, mixed in cobra venom and wrapped in Posion Ivy flower petals
Description: The most powerful, deadly, and wicked sushi of the lot, this sushi is not for the faint-hearted! Permanent incapacitation and even instant expiration is almost guaranteed! But probably worth it for the single, split-second taste of the legendary sushi. No doubt, and true to its name, it promises to kill you after eating it!
Warning: Customers are advised to apply for insurance before eating this sushi so that your family members will be well taken care of in the future in the event of your sudden departure to the other realm.

Promotion!
Customers who spend above $999 will get a $0.99 voucher for Kanenabo cosmetics products! *Redeemable only at Bimbocity.

*Sushi Interns

Interns will learn to make all kinds of sushis and also be forced to wash all the dishes, mop the floors, serve customers, wipe tables, basically the role will be a "Bao Ga Liao" one.

Requirements:
- must be PhD holders in Sushi Studies
- be able to churn out 99 sushis per minute
- must not be SNSD fans
- Wondergirls fans will be an advantage

Reported by: Urban Geek

News Flash! 600 Died in Road Race

2010-05-25T07:09:00.000-07:00

~ Where Mr Bull Head and Mr Horse Face Flatten the news out for you! ~

Freaktopia - On a very unmemorable day on 18/2/5000BC, Freaktopia's national last-ranking college organized an event called the Road Race. (The college is Freaktopiana Junior College - where all goons, fools, morons, and other assorted stupid people go)

As Freaktopiana Junior College (FJC) has a notorious reputation for being extremely superstitious, the principal hired the Great Grand Seer to do a divination prior to the event. As fate would have it, the Great Grand Seer collapsed and fainted upon stepping into the college, even before the divination rites could be conducted. The Seer suddenly convulsed and started doing the "duck-medium" trance (she paid the Duck Medium to teach her). She made a cryptic comment (maybe a prediction) that the school has a very idiotic aura and the aura would cause the students to shorten their lives by 50 years and for teachers, 80 years.

FJC holds a reputable record for the highest number of students dying each year and teachers as well. Last century, FJC saw 946 students pass away due to stress, suicide, love affairs, bankruptcy, etc while 57 teachers died from excessive loss of blood due to Hae Mo Blood Vomitting Syndrome (teachers contract this disease after 2 days of teaching and the disease often escalates to terminal stage within 7 days.)

Seconds before the Road Race, the school reminded the students to call their lawyers to write their wills and last testaments and to bade farewell to their friends and family before they depart. The route is a total of 4800km and the students have to run across the PIE, BKE, SLE, CTE, and all other combinations of 3 letters - 49 rounds. And also for the last lap, students are required to run along the Bulldozer Flyover where bulldozers travel at the speed of 1000km/s.

The Race lasted for 50 days, after which the race ended when the last snail entered the school gate and died due to excessive blood loss and missing lower body. 4 days before the Race ended, the Bulldozer Flyover collapsed as 104 bulldozers were jammed due to too many body parts being stuck in the engines, rendering the vehicles immobile.

As a result, it caused a major pileup of 200 bulldozers and explosion with the force of 100 nuclear warheads, taking 600 students together with all the bulldozer drivers to heaven.

Fortunately, the remaining surviving students suffered only permanent damage such as loss of limbs, mangled body, missing lower body, paralysis, multiple and irreparable fractures etc which the insurance companies refused to pay for unless threatened by lawyer letters (must be from Lee Law Firm).

The Mass Funeral will take place on 31 Dec 5000 BC at the Pulau Hantu Landfill (where dead students are reminded to arrange for their own burial and call their family priest to chao du them) at 12 midnight.

Attendance is compulsory. Absentees will be expelled unless parents threaten to complain to the Ministry of Education.

Reported by Mr Bull Head and Mr Horse Face

(By Duck Medium, Edited by Urban Geek)

Funny quotes of the day

2010-05-20T03:54:00.001-07:00

Some funny quotes from http://www.wattpad.com/72778-funny-jokes
(click on image to enlarge)

Reported by: Urban Geek

Disease Compendium Part II - Paranormal and Abnormal Diseases

2010-04-28T22:15:00.000-07:00

1) Pregnancy

“I feel… [retch]… pregnant”

Symptoms: morning sickness, afternoon sickness, evening sickness, whole-day sickness, mood swings, expanding waistline, suicidal depression.

Causes: having the insane desire to spawn a spoilt brat. Rare causes of Pregnancy might be due to spiritual possessions or cross-dressing in a maternity dress.

Mortality rate: 95%. Mortality is often due to spoilt brat driving the parents to their grave. Severe cases result in entire clan committing suicide out of frustration, irritation or shame.

Cure: Abortion or intentional miscarriage

Preventive measure: Permanent sterilization

2) Mad Corpse Disease

Symptoms: stench of decomposition lingering all over the place. Corpse will appear to be deranged and continuously froth at the mouth. Constant growling noises and scratching actions may signify a very hungry and murderous corpse is on the loose.

Causes: feeding unrefined Duck Matter to National Cadet Corpse. Common cause of Mad corpse Disease involves subjecting dead bodies to radioactive factory waste. Failed voodoo rituals or Duck Medium impersonation may result in catastrophic scale of Mad Corpse epidemic.

Mortality Rate: depends largely on the corpse’s killing and destructive capabilities. Death rate may vary according to the number of corpse infected and location of infection.

Warning: do not attempt to bring infected corpse home. Keep corpse clear of canines. Do not use common salt, sea water or drain water on corpse as they will cause it to projectile vomit Caustic Corpse Acid, which is capable of dissolving diamond.

Recommended Treatment: Use Phoenix Down, Purifying Salt or Holy Water. Spells such as Holy and Full-Life will cause the infected corpse to explode violently. May consider engaging the services of a Summoner to Send the mad corpse to the Other Realm.

3) Cursed

Symptoms: People around the cursed patient will mysteriously die from extremely violent deaths. Apparitions appearing around the oblivious patient, while spooky events scare the life out of others.

Causes: Living in Kayako’s house, watching Sadako’s tape, renting an apartment with a dead girl floating in the water tank, using a cursed camera, wishing on a flight of cursed stairs, putting on a pair of cursed red shoes or wig, etc…

Mortality: exceed 500%. Cursed patients brings premature death to everyone they come into contact with.

Warning: do not go near 500km radius of a Cursed patient, protective charms will spontaneously combust upon contact with the patient’s haunting aura.

Recommended Treatment: none available. Neither researcher nor doctor survived to come up with a cure. Quarantine patient and allow it to naturally expire from bad luck overdose.

Note: attempts to exorcise the patient will annoy the spirit haunting the patient, which would lead to the exorcist’s gruesome death. Recovered patients would be dragged to hell after five minutes of recovery.

4) Possession

“I don’t see dead people anywhere” – The Sick Sense

Details: Possession is different from Cursed, with the former having a spirit taking over the patient’s body while the latter lingers around and kill everyone in the vicinity.

Mortality Rate: 200%. Death occurs to both possessed and exorcist.

Causes: offending spirits during the Hungry Ghost Festival, stealing offerings, failed impersonation of the Duck Medium’s Spiritual Summoning or failed attempt in Sending a spirit off to the Other Realm.

Symptoms: 360° horizontal head rotation, speaking in tongues, projectile vomiting, levitation, glowing syndrome

Recommended Treatment: in the case of Hungry Ghost Month possession, ignore the patient and patiently wait until the month is over as the ghost would be forced to return to hell automatically. For other cases, incinerate the patient together with the spirit. In the case of possession due to stealing offerings, let the patient deal with the spirit. Failed impersonation of the Duck Medium; no cure.

5) Reckless Driving

Symptoms: steering the steering wheel and ramming the accelerator like a maniac. Stealing cars are driving them into lamp posts, signs, dustbins and through buildings. Early symptoms include addiction to racing games and humming tunes from Tokyo Drift and Initial D. Terminal patients will remove the car’s brakes.

Causes: playing too much Need for Speed and developing the joy of running over pedestrians.
Warning: do not be in the same vehicle as the patient. Patient would have the compulsion to drive at break neck speed and mow every pedestrian to death. Terminal patients will drive off Mount Pra’s cliffs.

Note: Insurance policies do not cover victims of Reckless Driving. Cross roads at your own risk.
Mortality Rate: unknown. Depends on the traffic volume and number of clueless pedestrians.

Recommended Treatment: patients would undergo Snail Therapy at Freak Tock Seng Hospital, where they are required to drive a funeral hearse at a torturous and mentally-frustrating snail pace. Following which, they must attend a dead boring road safety lesson that will be conducted for 7200 consecutive hours until they develop a phobia of driving.

6) Leaky Memory

“Who’s this again?”

Mortality rate: 50%. Mortality is due to patient forgetting to continue breathing.

Symptoms: Huh? Symptoms? What are symptoms? Who am I?

Causes: Falling in love with SNSD’s SeoWho? and watching Jackie Chan’s “Who Am I” movie more than once.

Recommended Treatment: Patient will undergo a Memory Recovery Treatment process at Freak Tock Seng Hospital. For one week, the patient will be memorizing the alphabets and mathematical timetables. After that, a memory probe would be shoved up the patient’s _________ , while an psycho psychiatrist will upload the patient’s default memory via Black Tooth.

7) Wagging Tongue

“Let me tell you a juicy gossip about………(conversation lasting non-stop for nearly 72 hours)”

Mortality Rate: 150%. High mortality rate is due to victims of tarnished reputation seeking revenge on the gossip mongers, including their friends, families, extended families and innocent parties who accidentally overhead the gossip.

Symptoms: unsuppressed verbal diarrhoea. Terminal patients will suffer from Gila Tongue Disease, where the tongue will develop a mind of its own and try to escape from the owner.

Causes: Gossiping non-stop, spreading evil rumours, quarrelling for no reason and blowing loud raspberries.

Mortality: 25%. Death is due to terminal cases where the diseased tongue tearing itself from the mouth of the patient and leaves it bleeding to death.

Recommended Treatment:
1) A doctor at Freak Tock Seng Hospital will tape the mouth, staple the lips and sew them together, then solder the trap shut and finally apply industrial cement to ensure the eternal silence of the patient.
2) Patient can seek the help of a Summoner who will summon Siren, the Guardian Force, and cast Silent Voice, which cannot be cured by Esuna, Echo Screen, Remedy or Treatment.
3) Patient will undergo Tongue Amputation

8) Broken Heart

“She/He/It dumped me…..!” (Endless sobs, crying and wailing)

Causes: Being dumped by boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/mistress/pimp/pet. Alternative cause could be due to watching sappy dramas/romance movies or reading Oreo and Julie literature. Terminal case is due a devoted SONE being ignored by SNSD with letters and gifts being heartlessly thrown into the bin in front of the fan

Symptoms: uncontrollable crying, shattering sounds being issued from the chest

Warning: patient may cause insomnia to innocent parties due to loud wails and sobs. Friends of patient are advised to switch off their phones as the patient will 100% call them in the middle of the night and sob incoherently over the phone, robbing them of precious sleep. Terminal cases of Broken Heart will cause the patient to commit suicide, homicide, genocide and infanticide.

Danger: disease is contagious as strangers passing by will mysteriously pity them and cry along.

Recommended Treatment: patient will receive the Heartless Procedure, where the patient’s heart will be removed and the doctor will certify the patient eligible to migrate to the Other Realm. Treatment for cases due to SNSD causes will involve making the SONE sit in a Wonder Girls Live Concert and experience their love for the fans. This will heal the patient’s shattered heart and make it into an Anti-SNSD, cursing the nine plastics for all eternity.

Promotion! 2.5% discount if you seek treatment at Duck Duddha's Clinic. Just quote "Freakstimes ROCKS!"

Reported by: Duck Buddha

News Flash! - Breaking News! Murtabak Cloning Crisis

2010-04-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

Murtabak Clone Army. Good news or a recipe for disaster?

Coming soon...

NewsFlash - where you see your life flash past you

2010-04-26T04:26:00.000-07:00

Beware! Impending tsunami weather all over Freaktopia! Freaktopians are to remain in paranoia and panic. Do not attempt to outrun the waves. Tsunami waves may contain sharks, pirahnas, and deep sea monsters. Please contact your funeral director and insurance agent as soon as possible.

Reported by: Kaypoberry

Joke of the Week

2010-04-17T03:30:00.001-07:00

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing
out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and
the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking
this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will
be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a
season pass?"

Reported by: Urban Geek

Random jokes

2010-04-05T07:25:00.000-07:00

1) A father is teaching simple maths to his 5 yr old son.

Father, "Son, how many people are there in your classroom?"

Son, "Including the teacher, 31."

Father, "So without the teacher, there are 30 people left in the classroom?"

Son, "Nope! Without the teacher, there will be NO one left in the classroom!"

2) Lieutenant, "Sergeant! Didn't I tell you to secure all the exits in the compound?"

Sergeant, "Yes sir! We did secure all the exits and security is very tight."

Lieutenant, "If the exits are secured, how did the intruder escaped?"

Sergeant, "We did as you have instructed to secure all the exits, but he escaped through the entrance."

3) Deng Xiaoping is visiting the US. Tired of being shadowed by his entourage at all times, he decides to go for a walk on his own. This alarms his translators and bodyguards who fear that Mr. Deng will get into trouble since he does not speak any English. However, realizing that they cannot change his mind, they decide to at least prepare him in case he gets stopped by the police. "If you get stopped", they coached him, "they'll first ask for your surname and then they'll ask for your given name. Just tell them and everything will be fine". So Mr. Deng goes out and enjoys himself. A policeman recognizes him. Having heard that Mr. Deng prides himself in his knowledge of American history, he decides to start a conversation with an appropriate subject.
Policeman: Who was the first president of the U.S?

Mr. Deng: Wo xing Deng [我姓鄧: My surname is Deng]

Policeman: Yes, Washington. And what are you doing in the U.S?

Mr. Deng: Xiaoping [小平]

Policeman: Ah, shopping. Very good. Have nice day!.

4) Q: when did the army of israel march in underwears?

A: when they march out in triumph.

5) TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

6) TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

7) SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

8) Stupid Driver joke

Two rich men were talking over coffee one day and one of them said to the other one "Hey I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't believe?

Let me show you." and he called his driver Ah Beng over and said "Ah Beng, here is a 10 dollar note, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." to which Ah Beng replied, "Yes Sir! right away!" and rushed off to the showroom.

The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." and he called his driver, Ali. "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." to which Ali said, "Yes Sir, right away Sir." and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here."

Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Ah Beng said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and ask me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes..... Doesn't he know that today is Sunday lah, the showroom is closed!"

Ali replied, "You think he is stupid ah? My boss lagi worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home.... He got hand phone what, can just call up to check lah!!!!"

9) Mental problem joke

One day at the psychiatrists office, a short, fat man came in, stood in front of the desk and shouted at the psychiatrist 'HOI! Bow to me, lowly Chinese! I am General Yamashita! Hahahahaha ...' and the psychiatrist says 'What makes you think that you are General Yamashita?' and the man says 'Because God made me General Yamashita! Hahahahaha ... '

After counseling the man and convincing him he is NOT General Yamashita, the short fat man leaves happy and pleased. Before letting the next patient come in, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "Sir Winston Churchill, this is Lim Bo Seng. I have Yamashita's plans ...'"

10) Q: How do you address a Hokkien cow's parents?
A: Cow peh cow bu.

News Flash! - News in 1 Minute

2010-03-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

Freaktopia Murtabak Kingdom - The revenant Duck Buddha has gone on a pilgrimage to the Calm Lands to aid YRP (The GullWings Explorer Corporation) in their World saving endeavours and will only be back to resume his reporting duties after his mission is accomplished.

The Princess of Murtabak has been quarantined in her Murtabak Palace (Under the Staircase on Level 3) due to her suspected infection of Mad Duck Disease. All the citizens of Murtabak Kingdom are praying for her recovery.

The Holy Immortal SSW has retreated to Mount Pra where he can concentrate on creating the next batch of Immortal Pills. His company's business is booming and he plans to set up his Divine Pharmacy at all Whatsons outlets so that everyone can obtain Holy drugs and supplements conveniently and at an affordable price.

The High Sorceress is buried among her pile of books in the Great Library of Allopia Spy School, preparing for the impending Imperial Exams. The spells she casted in her practice sessions in the library has caused 97% of the library books to burn to ashes.

Reported by: Urban Geek

News Flash! - Cherubs on Strike, causing Mayhem in the Heavenly Realm

2010-03-24T06:13:00.000-07:00

Thunder Monastery (Heavenly Realm) - Of late, due to the recent economic collapse, sinking of Sinkapoor, catastrophic earthquakes hitting Mati and severe SNSD infestation, trillions of prayers were being delivered up to heaven by the underpaid and disgruntled cherubs. The last straw came when the Jade Emperor decided to call for a pay cut of all immortals and celestial beings due to the mounting budget deficit.

This is because the economic situation in the Heavenly Realm seemed to mirror that of the mortal realm, as the Lama Brothers collapsed overnight and plunged the divine economy into a recession, causing the Heavenly notes currency to depreciate by nearly 4000% and several major religions to declare bankruptcy. The Jade Holdings had to be bailed out of bankruptcy by the Buddha Association as it had lost nearly 99.9% of its total assets. This disastrous move has certainly lived up to its name as the lower-caste heavenly beings decided to go on strike, throwing the Heavenly Realm into a state of chaos, mayhem and lunacy.

The cherubs, who used to be chubby with rosy complexion and infectious cheer, became thin, gaunt and moody as they were being overworked by their senior immortals who included their mountain of undone domestic chores and other assorted errands into the little cherubs’ list of never-ending workload.

Despite the mountainous piles of complaints filed by these little guys to the Ministry of Divine Labour, their work environment seemed to have taken a 360° turn for the worse as many were being forced to become practice targets for gods who are seeking to hone their hopelessly rusted skills, while others were being kidnapped and subjected to demented experiments by the Eastern Star Immortal (CEO of Celestial Pharmaceutical Ltd) or being forced to become guinea pigs for Immortal SSW’s failed products. The labour environment proved to have become a bleak climate of hopeless slavery as the Cherub Action Party (CAP) was underfunded and could not make a case against other established senior deities.

Besides the poor work environment, the cherubs were also subjected to heavy stress as they have to live in constant 24-hour fear of being sacked from their jobs. Due to their lack of heavenly powers, the cherubs are ranked at the lowest rung of the celestial hierarchy and were given only lowly-paid manual jobs.

Being paid at an impossibly low wage rate of $1.10 per millennium, the cherubs were literally starving to death and living in perpetual poverty in the light of sky-rocketing inflation and rising cost of living. They are commanded to work nonstop for 24 hours with no leave, work incentive or benefits. Somehow their working conditions bear some similarity to that set by SME (Sado-Masochism Entertainment).

Fed up with the poor working conditions and environment, the unhappy cherubs held an underworld meeting and came to the decision of having a strike after witnessing half of their brethren dropping dead out of sheer exhaustion or committing suicide due to depression. The dead bodies were simply incinerated at the Eight-Trigrams Power Station to generate electricity for the Heavenly Realm’s consumption.

During the cherubs’ strike, no prayers were delivered to the gods, leaving the mortals on the Mortal Realm and Freaktopia completely clueless and leading them to speculate wild guesses on why their fervent prayers for rich family members not dying of accidents remain unanswered or the reason for not winning TOTO despite the extravagant offerings made to the gods.

Besides undelivered and unanswered prayers and requests for curses, the gods now need to manually handle their mundane domestic chores themselves. Explosions from failed cooking attempts are a common occurrence during the period of the strike. Furthermore, several buddhas were admitted to the Heavenly University Hospital for fractured hips as there is no cherub to hold them while they go to the bathrooms.

Several elderly Enlightened Ones were hospitalised for Acute Stiff Back Syndrome (ASBS) as they spent too much time meditating on their lotus seats without the hourly massage advised by the heavenly healers. One Buddha fell into an irrecoverable coma as he meditated too deeply without any cherub to club him to consciousness when he crossed the line into mental oblivion.

After suffering for 3 hours without any cherub to holler at, dissect or abuse, the gods are beginning to suffer from extremely bad temper and are on the verge of committing divine homicide. The God of Wind simply carried out its job by fanning the flames, while the God of Fire continues to add fuel to fire. It seems like the Heaven is now a boiling pot of celestial temper with temperatures running so high that it will put the legendary True Samadhi Fire to shame.

The Jade Emperor, together with other major divinities, made an appeal to the Cherub’s Action Party to begin multi-way negotiations. The CAP called for more funding, larger premises with gold taps and a small army of National Cadet Corpse as security guards. A Jade Holdings spokesperson said “Jade Holdings is planning to consult its mortal cheaporella counterpart, SME, on ways of how to fleece the CAP and its ignorant cherubs in order to save more budget”.

-reported by Duck Medium

Lethal Disease Compendium Top 5 Diseases

2010-03-19T06:02:00.000-07:00

Brought to you by the Freak Tock Seng Medical Research Department

Disease: Immortality

Description:

Cowford Definition: Immortality is a state of psychology. Being is what determines being as being, that which is known as being in the sense of a being. So to unbecome a being, the being will have to be an unbeing to be a being that is not a being. Hence, the immortal being is no longer a being but an eternal entity that transcends all being and it lacks the being of being a being. In other words, the immortal is not a mortal. Duh!

Immortal SSW’s diagnosis: People who have attained immortality should ideally have reached a state of Zen and Nirvana like myself. Otherwise, their continued existence would be a waste of resources to Freaktopia. People who have inadvertently, accidentally, illegally or forcefully turned into an Immortal without having a licence from the Buddha Association of Buddhas (BAB) are classified as Diseased Immortals and will be exiled via Expiration Therapy, as explained in the treatment process below.

Causes:

1. Consuming the rare Immortality Essence manufactured once every millennium by Immortal SSW Inc
2. Exposure to Immortality fumes which are byproducts of Immortality Pill production
3. Illegally consuming the Heavenly Peach stolen from The Mutabak Palace Forbidden Garden
4. Restriction of Entry Summons from the Underworld

Mortality Rate: Immortality! Get it?

Recommended Treatment: Expiration Therapy carried out by inexperienced and highly incompetent psychiatrists. The Therapy consists of 3 steps: First, sell salted duck eggs for a month, then kick the bucket exercise for a month, followed by digging own grave and building own coffin. Those who fail to unimmortalize themselves after the Expiration Therapy will be sent to the Underworld to train as Hell Guards (Ox head or Horse Face).

Disease: Sogginess

Causes: Drenched by Coconut Milk, Curry Rain, Mee Siam Soup or Mee Rebus Gravy. Drenching by Chinese style soup causes shriveling instead, which is incurable.

Mortality Rate: 80%
Description: A relatively mild disease compared to Immortality, Sogginess causes Pratas and Thosais to crumble into soggy, flaky bits comparable to McDonald’s fries that have been left out in the air for 100 years. Victims will be immobilized in their state of sogginess until the liquid is extracted by extremely painful means as described below.

Recommended Treatment: Liquid Extraction by Microwaving, Ovening or Steamroller-pressing. Mild cases can be treated by a little sun-tanning or blow-drying using a hairdryer.

Disease: Spontaneous Combustion

Causes: Unknown. According to Biohazard Scientist, one possible cause is the Global Warming.

Mortality Rate: 99%

Description: Victims will be just walking on the road, going about their daily mundane activities when…”POOF!” they become engulfed by a ball of flames which inevitably burns them to a delicious, crispy and crunchy remnants. Passer-bys are advised to quickly eat the leftover pieces for good luck.

Recommended Treatment: Very difficult to treat when the combustion process is over within a few seconds. However, it is recommended that all thosais and pratas carry fire extinguishers around with them for cautionary purposes. The portable fire extinguishers weigh 20kg and can be purchased at Duck Buddha’s Multipurpose Shop.

Disease: Multipox

Causes: Watching too much SNSD MTVs

Mortality Rate: 99.9%

Description: Multipox consists of chicken pox, curry pox, white pox, black pox, mini pox, mega pox, etc etc etc. Victims are identified by the multiple colorful poxes of different sizes on their body. An extremely deadly disease, it has so far claimed the lives of all SNSD MTV watchers.
Recommended Treatment: Watch Wondergirls MTV

Disease: Mad Duck Disease

Causes: Consuming Duck Matter that has not undergone the Holy Chant by Duck Buddha himself.

Mortality Rate: 98%

Description: This dreadful disease causes the victim to act like a deranged, unhinged duck that goes around quacking and waddling incessantly. The high mortality rate is the result of irritated passer-bys murdering them.

Recommended Treatment: Esuna, Panacea, or Elixir, all of which can be purchased at Allopia Spy School White Magic Pharmacy

Reported by: Urban Geek

Last Will and Testament from the Duck Buddha

2010-03-17T12:21:00.000-07:00

Anyone or anything that has an Internet connection and an interest in the on-goings of the K-pop fraternity would be bound to know that the musical climate is being badly polluted by the SNSD’s wonderful vocals resembling fingernails on a chalk board, or a Jigglypuff with throat cancer.

Furthermore, the innocent screens and eyeballs of several millions across the universe got defiled by the obscene appearance of the nine convulsing plastics who rudely pushed and shove other established celebrities off the stage just to bull their way into the camera’s view, bringing cheap pornography and everlasting nightmares to homes. And the last thread of patience snapped when SONEs, worshippers of SNSD, infiltrated the sacred sanctuary of STAND (Standing Till All Nine Die) forum and defiled its sanctity with their brainlessness. Day after day, night after night, the STAND members wage a war against the pestilential CONEs in an attempt to make their forum pure and immaculate once again. With this article, I am assured that SONEs are bound to place a bounty on my head.

But, alas! The obtuse SONEs somehow were able to make full use of the little intelligence, granted to them by the grace and mercy of the Almighty, and utilise their cowardice and shamelessness (learnt from SNSD themselves) to infiltrate STAND. Can one imagine the agony of having to tell one, who is as hopelessly thick as Whiskie (the Royal canine of Mutabak Palace) to shut up and go away? Not surprisingly, the plastic heads preserve in their fruitless endeavour and stayed in the forum, where the STANDs simply use cool logic, pure reasoning and concrete-hard evidence to blast SONEs into cyber oblivion and to their kingdom come.

Staying true to their name, the SONEs, being the plastic they are, are inelastic in their arguments and recycle each other’s words as imagination is beyond their mental capability and creativity is a concept they can hope to but never to grasp. Seriously, in my opinion, arguing with a SONE is a complete waste of time, energy and youth. This is because these precious resources could be used to produce more Anti-SNSD parodies which will garner lots of support for Wonder Girls and simultaneously driving SONE’s up the wall and through the ceiling, which results in SNSD taking another 8-months hiatus just because they are too unpopular, unwanted and too distressed to conduct anymore screeching or lollipop waving. Do you know that quarrelling with a SONE is equivalent to arguing with a kid? Look at the example below:

STAND member: is too!
SNSD member: is not!

And the same words repeat until one give up (very unlikely) or until both died (guaranteed)
STANDs, my love, demean not your integrity and intellect, for SONEs, the poor lamentable things, are merely primal life forms. It is to STAND’s greatest advantage and benefit to show sympathy to SONE’s for being the brainwashed, dim-witted and shallow feral animals they are, for being magnanimous is being Buddha. Amitabha.

Before I breathe my last, allow me to present a parting gift to my dear, dear SONEs:

Shall I compare thee to a neutron star?
Thou art more hostile and almost as dense:
Rough words from thee most plentiful by far,
And often they just plain fail to make sense:
Sometime too hot thy temper cannot quell,
And often dost thou spew unreas'ning hate;
In all thy supernovas I catch naught,
And can but duck and hope it doth abate;
But thy acidic tongue shall wag senselessly,
Nor lose possession of thy superficiality;
Nor shall even Death slow the torrent,
For thou shall hassle me 'til Time doth quit:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long will I be sore annoyed by thee

By: Duck Buddha

News Flash!

2010-03-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

Freak Tock Seng Hospital (Mutabak Kingdom, Freaktopia) – The Princess Mutabak was admitted into Freak Tock Seng Hospital after being viciously clubbed on the head by a full 5-litre metallic water bottle by a jealous and irrational SNSD fan. Doctors fear the worst, while the imperial embalmers are planning in advance for a state funeral should the royal princess expires from her grievous injury.

According to military investigations, the Princess Mutabak was chatting happily to her Filipino friend on the bus about the fact that SNSD really cannot dance, cannot sing and are terminal plastics, when the accused eavesdropped on the conversation. The friend of the Princess was also an anti-SNSD as she felt disgusted about how the nine epileptic mannequins dare to proclaim themselves as the representatives of ancient girls. It was then the male SONE started to suffer from a rabies relapse as soon as its audio senses detected signs of insults directed at its plastic idol. It began to engage the Princess Mutabak in a heated argument about how great SNSD is and how the Wonderfuls are blind to the beauty of plasticity. Of course, the royal highness, who prides herself as a being of intelligence, poise and graciousness, refused to engage in the senseless banter with the idiotic and sexually deprived male organism. She turned away from the argument. And that was the fatal mistake that earned the Princess a one-way express ticket to Freak Tock Seng Hospital.

The rabid plastic worshipper whipped out the murder weapon from its plastic bag and struck a death blow to the head of the Princess Mutabak, which shattered her egg membrane-like skull. However, the Royal Princess of Imperial Mutabak is not going down without a fight as priests at the Macarena Temple had said that she is the reincarnation of Xena: the Warrior Princess and the undisputed world champion at the Heavyweight Punch Bag event in the Olympigs Games. She gathered the last of her strength (which is gushing out like sewage out of a burst pipe) and took a well-aimed swing at the synthetic head of her attacker with her Prata bag*. The contact between the bag with the fragile plastic skull of the SNSD fan caused it to collapse like a badly constructed Lego building. But sadly, the Princess fainted due to excessive blood loss as blood was spraying out of her head like a bloody fountain.

After spending almost 72 hours on the dissection table, the Princess Mutabak was rescued from the jaws of death with a combination of SSW Immortal Pills, Duck Buddha threatening to plague the Other Realm with a lethal combination of Leech and TFM, and the High Summoner Geek remarking that she would sue the pants off SME and SNSD for placing the life of a royalty in jeopardy. The miraculous recovery of Her Highness greatly disappointed the Imperial Embalmers as it was nearly 4 day the last time they celebrated the state funeral of an executed minister who allowed the Nasi Briyani incident to escalate into a dimensional catastrophe.

Her Highness, heeding the warnings of her trusted AIDS, I mean aide, braced herself for a roof-shattering sermon from Queen Mutabak. She expected the Queen to copy the Duck Buddha‘s mother’s words and go: “Why are you so stupid? Who asked you to go and hit back?! God knows whether that guy will wait for you every day on the same bus, same time, until he stabs you to death”. But, the Queen Mutabak simply ignored the incident as she had quelled her anger by beheading, disembowelling and dismembering the culprit while the oblivious princess was in a coma.

* God knows what is in the damned bag as it weighs more than an adult killer whale. The forensic department is still emptying the bag which contained an interesting assortment of items ranging from a television to a live zebra. A decomposing skeleton was recovered, but the Princess said “leaving the skeleton in my closet is too dangerous as the nosy Queen Mutabak might accidentally excavate it while digging through my mountain of clothes with a spade. Having the skeleton in my handbag is safer”.

-written by Sinner-rella. Additional reporting by Duck Buddha

News Flash! K-Pop Fever - SNSD vs Wondergirls!

2010-03-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

Mutabak Kingdom (Freaktopia) – SME (Sado-Masochism Entertainment), hailed by the Duck Buddha’s mother as the reigning king of cheaporella to whom she had grudgingly lost her title and crown to, is rumoured to be producing a ‘new and original’ song for SNSD entitled “Somebody” by copying the Wonder Girl’s hit song, Nobody. Yeah right. Very original indeed.

It is widely known - with the exception of SONES, worshippers of SME and dirty old men - that the cheapskate is completely incapable of writing lyrics of his own, let alone choreographing dance steps that do not resemble physiotherapeutic exercises for his nine stroke-stricken mannequins.

However, he is the undisputed champion, with an inborn talent for, in buying over and plagiarising the genius of others and posing them as his ‘masterpiece’. By duping an innocent and fledging Super Junior into signing a 15-year slave contract, he literally worked them to the bones by overloading the poor guys with endless performances until he becomes rich (from milking them until they are drier than the Sahara Desert) before exiling them to China when he got sick and tired of them. The same goes for BOA who was banished to the United States of America. It seems like the nine walking plastic surgery advertisements are the favourites of SM, as he allowed them to eat, shit, sleep around and hurl abuses and insults at other more established celebrities whenever they feel like it.

Have you ever wondered what SNSD do during their 8-month long hiatus? My best guess is either endless shopping sprees for lingerie-like clothes or perhaps taking courses in bitch behavioural sciences. In contrast, JYP insists that his Wonder Girls go to school if they must (and woe betide them if they do badly), and voluntary work is part and parcel of their celebrity schedule.

Personally, the video of the wonder Girls helping out at the home for the handicapped children is so heart-wrenching that the holy Duck Buddha used up an entire carton of Kleenex tissue paper*.

Of course SME raised the fair point of SNSD helping mothers to take care of their children; it is rather the case that the children were delivered to the studio instead of the 9 hopeless cases going to the homes of needy families. Not forgetting a comment by a SNSD fan who claimed the ‘girls’ to be talented. Well, I cannot find a reason to disagree as they are really talented in subjecting an innocent baby to life-threatening viruses by letting him bite on the dirty blimp that they had put on him after it had dropped onto the floor. The parents must have been bribed by SME not to sue him and SNSD or perhaps they have too many children to spare.

But I have digressed as I cannot help ranting and raving like a crazed duck infected with Mad-Corpse Disease whenever the delightful topic of SME and SNSD pops up. Back to the subject of Somebody, the new original production by SME the photocopy machine. Wonderful, die hard but logical and reasonable fans of the Wonder Girls, have speculated that the nine spastics would be taking all the leaves out of the Wonder Girl’s book by donning on saris that have enough cloth area to modestly clothe an infant.

‘After thinking for several seconds, I have decided that SNSD would not be dancing around microphone stands. They will be dancing around nine coconut trees to give Somebody a more ethnic feel, compared to the out-dated retro feel of Nobo…” said SM Lee (Sado-Masochistic Lee) before a truck interrupted the interview by driving full-speed into the exact spot where that hateful organism was seated, before it could complete the rest of its nonsensical babbling. Don’t you find this accident a little familiar to Final Destination? Priests at the Macarena Temple had interpreted this as a revelation from God, who became allergic to his incessant yapping and had decided to bring forward Lee’s expiry date, much to the despair of the Other Realm**.

Much to the delight of Wonderfuls, the rumour saying that SNSD will be going over to JYP was recently found to be untrue. It was discovered that SME spread the rumour in hope of helping the well-disliked SNSD to gain some fame as it took an eight-decade long hiatus after Wonder Girls, DBSK, BOA, Super Junior and many other celebrities began to make a Korea comeback one after another.

“I would rather close shop and commit suicide than let SNSD enter JYP,” said JYP who was throwing SNSD dolls after SNSD dolls into the company’s newly-installed incinerator after several incidents of SONES sending him scantily clad figurines of SNSD in hope of brainwashing him. “If SNSD is going to represent the girl generation of today, I am going to go for a sex change,” said the Princess Mutabak in an I-mean-it tone. This statement has caused tremendous worries for Queen Mutabak and raised Princess Puree’s perfectly-plucked eyebrows.

So,what are the lame reasons SONEs give for liking the nine artificial plastics? Some cliché ones are like “ooh, Yoonarrgh is so pretty” and “Seowho? can really dance”. Are SONEs blind, deaf or simply mentally and physically challenged? Anyone with functioning eyeballs, intact eardrums and enough mental functions can tell that SNSD is completely unsynchronised in their dance steps and somehow, they claim to be unfortunate enough to suffer from countless incidents of malfunctioning microphones.

Again, the priests at Macarena Temple take that to be another divine revelation from God that He might subject them to A Series of Unfortunate Events. SNSD can really dance, but I have yet to hear any justification from SONEs on why Turdfanny kept on messing up her dance moves for two years and is still committing the same mistakes. It seems like Turdfanny is the extra in SNSD as she is always seen bulling her way into the camera’s view, a scene you often witness when Ah Sohs push and shove their way to board the public buses and trains. Sure, countless dirty old men and deprived boys are yearning for SNSD’s company in their bed.

*Intermission* Projectile vomit. Merlion. (reader discretion is advised)

Really, I would rather have Sadako and Kayako sharing my bed than have the nine nightmarish mannequins climbing into my bed. Suddenly the idea of becoming gay is extremely inviting. If SNSD ever does that, I would rather sleep in a high security bank vault which is protected by Goldilocks security systems.

Cute. You call SNSD cute. I say puke. First of all, can someone just deal with their plastic faces? According to field observations conducted by stalker-rellas hired by the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, it was discovered that a SNSD member piles on more make-up than Marked Lee and Faint Wong added together. In a Youtube video, I had saw ??? (I don’t really know the name as all nine are so damn identical) crying as she received some 300 plus hate mail in one serving, telling her to fuck off and her singing is really horrid (give a round of applause for that stated fact). OH MY GOD! Look at the running eye-liner and trail of washed-away foundation. Do you want to know why the snobbish SNSD ignored their fans? It is because if they smile, their plastic faces would crack from the severe strain caused by the herculean effort of contorting their facial features into that of a smile.

With the protective layer of cosmetics caking away, their deluded fans would be enlightened to the fact that the SNSDs’ perfect faces are as perfect as Faint Wong’s i.e. marred with pimples, acnes, scars, blackheads, whiteheads, moles and scars from countless failed plastic surgeries. I think even the magic mirror in Snow White would shatter in suicide rather than reflect their image in itself. If SNSD is really ‘pretty’, then the visages of their fans are really left much to be desired. To add medicated oil to the flames, one of the SNSD members looks like a freakin’ man before intensive plastic surgery.

At least the Wonder Girls are ordinary-looking and so are their fans. In defence of SNSD’s snobbish attitude, several CRONEs claimed that their and their idols share excellent personalities. Really? Let’s see. How about the incident where the Princess Mutabak got her head smashed with a filled metal water bottle by a SNSD fanatic. Therefore I conclude that SNSD and their fans are violent, bloodthirsty, unreasonable and barbaric.

I simply cannot believe that SNSD is so modest. They actually wore pants (for the first and last time) in the music video of Gee, although those appropriate clothing somehow disappeared into the thin air. Wait, that is only skin-deep modesty (pun intended). Once they won nine consecutive awards for whatever pathetic song they sang, and they harped on that microscopic achievement for several months like a broken tape recorder stuck on replay. On the other hand, the Wonder Girls won 12 awards for “Tell Me”, the highest in history, and humbly continued to work hard without as much self-generated fuss and hooha as the nine big mouths.

The Imperial Princess of Mutabak called for a meeting of Parliament, after several millions were admitted to Freak Tock Seng Hospital for epileptic spasms, to address the national problem. At the Sultana, the coroner’s report pointed its rheumatic finger at SNSD’s Gee music video, saying that the abominable creation is capable of inducing fits, retardation and mannequinism (where a mutabak irreversibly transfigures into a plastic mutabak). The Pincess Mutabak made a plea to her citizens not to mix Ghee with Gee, as the consequence will be very, very dire.

Sigh. Back to the carbon-dated topic of fashion between SNSD and Wonder Girls. Speaking of fashion, the CRONEs said Wonder Girls cannot dress to save their own lives, but the Duck Buddha say SNSD is simply the embodiment of embarrassment and shame and the epitome of fashion catastrophe. Just think for a second, how in Freaktopia is military uniform (I mean half uniform as you cannot count the booty short as a uniform. It is a lingerie) even relevant to Genie?

Sure Wonder Girls dress conventionally and conservatively, but at least parents do not shriek “PORN!” when they are on screen, unlike some nine synthetics. Anyone can be a fortune teller when it comes to predicting what SNSD would be wearing. Sure enough the prognostications would include panty-like shorts and bra-like shirts. Why not throw in some striptease since SNSD is cheap and shameless enough to dress in undergarment-like clothing.

However, SME called for a sponsored press conference (another blatant display of his cheaporellaness) and there he said “Yoonargh wears everything so short, she might as well not wear anything. I sincerely wish that Spoilt Niece, Yoonargh, Seowho?, Mr Tae, Jerksicka, Soo Not Young, Eewwri and Hyungman could follow her example. This would help SME to scrimp on costume budget”.

And Holy Mother of Jesus! The lollipop*** waving is so obscene that I have sworn never to eat one ever again. Even infants and toddlers are boycotting lollipops until SNSD stop abusing that innocent diabetes-causing candy in their eye and screen defiling acts.

If silence is cash, then SNSD must be living in perpetual poverty (that explains their tiny cloths and starved features) as somehow Turdfanny and Mr. Tae are biologically incapable of keeping their trap shut for even a split second. SNSD is often featured on variety shows insulting their seniors****, demeaning them, demoralising them or simply criticising others as though they are perfect. That’s right, they are perfect plastics. And if brains are money, they will never be able to break free from the poverty cycle as all nine do not have enough cranial cells put together to come up with intelligent remarks. Somehow, their words are as superficial as them. The next time SNSD open its mouth, someone should say this to them: “your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good. You don’t open your mouth; I won’t tell others that you are a moron”.

But I, the magnanimous Duck Buddha, shall forgive the nonsensical gibbers of SNSD, for one cannot blame them for their stupidity as SME picked them for their bitchiness, sluttiness and plasticity. For once, I agree with SONEs that SNSD is one and united. This is because any normal human being will be completely unable to differentiate Plastic Soo Not Young from Plastic Yoonargh. I think it is either Hyungman or Spoilt Niece (maybe it is Turdfanny or even Jerksicka) saying that Super Junior is not united. The nine polyester have absolutely no right to utter such ironic statement as Jerksicka is living up to her name (proudly given to her by her equally despotic parents) by being mean to her group members, while Ms Spoilt Niece cannot coordinate her bodily movements to match with the spiritual possession convulsions of the remaining members. It appears that the members of SNSD suffer from eye-thought-limb coordination disorder. Girl Generation (shouldn’t it be Gee Generation, since dirty old men love it so much) have so much unity that they will put the Very United Nations to shame.

On a final thought, if there is SME, why can’t there DME (Duck Medium Entertainment)? And before I lay my keyboard and myself to eternal rest, let me give SNSD my final gift; The Pledge.

We, the brainwashed fans of SNSD,
Poise ourselves as one united ahjuushi
Regardless of cannot sing, cannot dance or plastic face,
To desire for more epileptic convulsions,
Based on sunbae leeching and pornographic exposure
So as to achieve more butt-shakings, shorter booty shorts and lollipop waving,
For our sick pleasures.

* Duck Medium’s mother: Ah Boy, use toilet paper. It is cheaper. You think I go and print money, is it? Tissue paper very expensive, especially Kleenex brand.

**The Other Realm has every right to despair as the expiry of SM Lee means that he will definitely create an afterlife version of SNSD and turn the Other Realm upside-down and inside-out. President Yen Lo has sent pleas of aid to High Summoner Geek, Duck Medium, Nekomancer and Immortal SSW.

***The Princess Mutabak expressed her primal urge to snatch the oversized lollipop and unceremoniously plunge it down the throat of the Plastic Generation. Of course for safety reasons, the Princess would be clad in Anti-SNSD suit, made by Immortal SSW and Duck Buddha, as skin contact with a plastic would cause the Princess to decompose.

****Well, you have the occasion where Jerksicka corrected dunno-who’s English pronounciation. But again hers is worse than dunno-who’s. Then you have another plastic calling a senior an idiot, whereas she herself is an utter moron.

- An otherworldly commentary from Duck Medium’s Altar of Sacrifice

Bibliography and references

Turdfanny saying Super Junior is not one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWTrX7Gy4CI&feature=related

Mr Tae calling a senior an idiot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLgxeZmniVQ

Jerksica being mean
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ev0GzOzMz_I&feature=related

Spoilt Niece’s ‘beauty’
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-9qIx4MAM4&feature=related

Seowho? Looks like a freakin’ man
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2akTS7HxIKE&feature=related

Yoonargh wearing everything shorter than everyone else
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kvsi4GkGRmI&feature=related

Reported by: Duck Buddha

Aunt Agony – We take comfort in your pain, while drowning you in your own pain

2010-03-12T21:14:00.000-08:00

That’s right. The Aunt Agony column is back by popular demand from our problem-plagued readers, who can take advices from half-baked professionals, which would only serve to worsen their plight and deepen their desire for suicide. To put our precious readers out of their misery, the Freakstimes has graciously* invited Aunt Agony to provide counselling and recommendations through her discouraging, vindictive, vilifying and demoralising column.

*The gracious invitation involves lots of name-calling, scratching, hair-pulling and blackmail. What you do not see, hear or know would not hurt you. The truth hurts, literally.

Reported by: Duck Buddha

News Flash! - Indian Cuisine Unrest

2010-03-11T20:24:00.000-08:00

Mutabak Kingdom (Freaktopia) – Of late, Mutabak Kingdom is swimming in an ocean of religious turmoil after a series of Nasi Lemak Bombs were simultaneously set off throughout the Kingdom at 2600 hours on Thursday night. The attack left 37,000 soaked to death in coconut milk and 74,000 permanently incapacitated by irreversible sogginess. Police investigations and reports from the Forensic Prataology department, revealed the notorious Le Nasi Padang Mafia to be responsible for the act of terrorism.

The Kingdom recently permitted the Church of Nasi Briyani to preach the religion, despite several nations from the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations having their suspicions and some have voiced their objections.

“The Church of Nasi Briyani certainly smells malodorous as I have never heard of the Gospel of Satay before,” squeaked the Royal Puree Kingdom’s tiny envoy.

“And I have, here, a report from the Inter-Fool that said the Le Nasi Padang is involved in several organised crime such as coconut trafficking, sale of Pandan explosives and illegal manufacturing of drugs such as Asam Pedas and Sambal Belacan,” said a representative from Chapatti-land.

According to the chemical analysis conducted by Professor Eugenium on the Asam Pedas, the results showed that the substance is capable of causing Mutabaks to spontaneously combust. Another report on the chemical spectrum analysis of the Sambal Belacan, conducted by the Immortal SSW, identified the drug to be a strong hallucinogen capable of inducing illusions of Sesame Street and sexually stimulating the victim by implanting pornographic visions of SNSD with Big Bird, Elmo and Cookie Monster. The Princess Mutabak was so mentally disturbed by the report that she had to retire to her royal chamber for a year.

After 2 hours of letting the Church of Nasi Briyani enter the Mutabak Kingdom, the preachers were instantly elevated to the status of Public Enemy, as they began using loudhailers to scream verses from the Gospel of Satay, which made no sense to the local Mutabakians. The noise pollution was beyond tolerable levels and it caused every piece of glass to shatter, and every eardrum to explode in a bloody mess.

The never-ending preaching has severely frayed the nerves of so many Mutabaks that about a quarter committed suicide, another quarter; homicide and one-eighth crowded outside Freak Tock Seng Hospital (FTSH), begging for euthanasia. The remaining sane (but not for long) citizens broke their bank accounts to purchase lethal personal security systems from Goldilocks*, in an attempt to keep those incessant acolytes of the Church of Nasi Briyani away.

But the social nuisance got out of hand when they started to usurp the Temple of Curry, the Goddess of spiciness, world wars and violent deaths, and made it into their Church of Nasi Briyani by grilling the temple priests in the backyard, alive. The act of religious blasphemy caused the citizens to turn to the High Summoner Urban Geek, who resides in Macarena Temple**, for help. Arriving in a state-sponsored Lamborghini, the High Summoner*** surveyed the Church acolytes and found them wanting. She then prayed to Goddess Curry to visit hell, suffering, pain, disaster, catastrophe, calamity and all other assorted misfortunes and punishments on the sinful religious group.

“Aiyah, I can’t be bothered to send that bunch of over-zealous Church of Nasi Briyani acolytes to the execution grounds as it involves too much paperwork and lengthly dialogues with the Sultan of Nasi Goreng,” sighed the Princess Mutabak who was busy signing stacks of official documents.

“I will just simply send the Bill for National Damage to Meelaysia, and he WILL pay the bill. Of course, the 7% GST will not be forgotten,” added the Princess as she proceeds the dump the rest of the unsigned documents into the fireplace and start her daily ritual of slamming SONES on the forum.

*Goldilocks is one of the few places (besides the Mutabak Palace, the University and FTSH) the Church did not preach at, as it still values its life. God knows what a cranky Goldilocks will do to it if business is disrupted, or customers committing suicide within their premises. Profits for Goldilocks shot sky-high, which the Mutabak Ministry of Finance decided to leverage on by slapping an equally sky-high income tax on Goldilocks. Smart, eh?

**Macarena Temple is the Mutabak Kingdom’s Imperial Dance Competition 10-time winner as its Macarena dance is extremely formidable with the usage of its ancient treasure; the Macarena Temple’s Maracas.

***The High Summoner is planning to summon several complaint letters to the Traffic Department as they slapped a hefty fine on her, and towed her personal Ferrari away, for speeding along the deserted Frying Pan Expressway, just because she is responding to the national cry for divine help.

-Reported by Malaria Maria

Imperial Decree from the Freaktopian Black House

2010-03-11T02:40:00.000-08:00

The Freaktopian Black House and all the Heads of States from the Other-Realm and Galaxies as well as The Alternate Universe hereby decree that DUCK MEDIUM be promoted to DUCK BUDDHA. The Duck Medium has made numerous significant contributions to Freaktopia, relentlessly reporting on the Indian Cuisine War and Thosai Terrorism, resulting in exponentially more casualties than usual. In recognition of his meritorious services, the Un-united Nations would like to present the Nobel Chaos Prize to the Duck Buddha. The Un-united Nations Secretary General Kopi Naan said," The Duck Buddha is truly a great role model. We should all learn from his unwavering courage and kayponess in reporting all sorts of news from finance to K-pop to war. He deserves the Nobel Chaos Prize for his all-round reporting and extreme overachievement!"

Congratulations to Duck Buddha on his promotion! We look forward to his valuable continued and committed contribution to Freaktopia.

Reported by: Urban Geek

The Inter-Realm Heavenly Tribune

2010-03-10T07:45:00.000-08:00

Purple Bamboo Grove (Heavenly Realm) - The Heavenly Realm was thrown into a cauldron of celestial mess in the aftermath of the SSW Immortal Pill factory’s explosion in the Other Realm, just a fortnight ago. With newly immortalized spirits floating up all the way to the Seventh Heaven, the Heavenly Realm is currently facing a problem of overcrowding, rising prices* and administrative nightmares (with application forms stacked so high that it would put Mount Pra and Mount Ro to shame) comprising of lawsuits, tantrums and complaints travelling at the speed of light.

Concerned about the falling standards of immortals, the Buddha Association of Buddhas (BAB) has convened to Thunder Monastery for an emergency meeting. At Thunder Monastery, where Buddhas have to shout across the 500 kilometre wide conference room over the never-ending 2000 decibels thunderstorms raging outside, the Enlightened Ones began to debate over the SSW Immortal Pill factory explosion. The Mangosteen Buddha, Patron Saint of Princess Mutabak, said the incident was most unfortunate and nothing could be done to prevent it as it was all according to Destiny’s Child, a set of ancient prophecies recorded on an audio CD that could be found in all CD-Lama stores.

He proceeded to cross-examine Immortal SSW, via video conference, who said that the pills could immortalize deceased spirits even if they inhale just a microscopic amount of its heavenly fumes. Several Immortalized spirits were sent to Freak Tock Seng Hospital for Expiration Therapy, but the treatment did not work, much to the frustrations of the Buddha Association. As a result, several more were shipped to the Immortal SSW’s laboratory in the Royal Urban University of Mutabak via Fed-Ex, where the scalpel–happy Immortal would conduct the most demented experiments to diagnose the problem and come up with a solution (which all the Buddhas were literally fervently praying for one to appear miraculously).

A professor at the department of Theoretical Spiritualism and Practical Immortalisation, Unknown University (United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations), said he suspects that the Buddha Association is brewing a very strange, fishy and sinful plot which is bound to contain the idea of stewing the spirits in the Eight Trigrams Furnace or charbroil them in Samurai-Murai Brand True Samadhi Fire Oven. The comment has caused the Temple of Mangosteen Buddha to place a hefty bounty on the professor’s head.

A Buddha Association spokesperson said the enlightened ones were being childish (although their combined age is enough to make Paris Hilton undergo menopause and Britney Spears become a shrivelled prune) as they are being jealous of those spirits becoming immortals after a few whiff of gaseous Immortal Essence, while the Buddhas have to undergo millenniums of meditation to attain Nirvana.

“Why can’t that bunch of old folks give it a rest and retire to their mouldy old caves and not stir up any more trouble? They shouldn’t be arguing so heatedly as, God knows, several may expire from heart attacks while the rest from stroke,” said the spokesperson.

When Freakstimes interviewed a fellow Freaktopian, the interviewee expressed his wish to become a Buddha via consumption of SSW Immortal Pills as he can skip all the vegetarianism and sutra chanting. It was this comment that caused the Heavenly realm to panic as it is already in deficit of prayers and profits from the sale of its sutras is about to hit rock bottom.

Meanwhile, it seems that the Heavenly Realm will have to put up with the celestial rubbish and nonsense thrown at it by the newly, accidentally immortalized Other Realm Spirits. But the Buddha Association is having none of its, as it said, “if spirits continue to be immortalised via the easy way, then we, the Buddha Association of Buddhas, will go on strike and will refuse to answer any prayers”.
The Mutabak Princess is currently unavailable for comments as she is personally painting a portrait for the Mangosteen Buddha as a tribute to negotiate for a celestial tax relief on the sale of SSW Immortal Pills, told Freakstimes by the Lord Chamber Pot of Mutabak.
*The affected products are incense, joss paper, paper offerings and Buddha-brand Lotus Seat MK-I

- reported by Rotters (an inter-dimensional news agency)

News Flash! K-pop Fever Epidemic!

2010-03-05T21:04:00.000-08:00

South Diarrhoea (Freaktopia) – Of late, K-pop is on the rise in Freaktopia, causing a global epidemic of bobbing heads, speaking in unrecognisable tongues, broken necks and spines (failed attempts at Break Dance) and epileptic convulsions. The Princess Mutabak, although a powerful and much-feared monarch of the Mutabak Kingdom, is valiantly defending the honour of her favourite K-group, the Wonder Girls without resorting to have all fans of SNSD arrested and executed.

“SNSD, a group of nine female living organisms that have vague resemblances to the homo sapient species, cannot sing and dance to save their own lives,” said a cheongsam-clad Princess Mutabak who was dancing to the song “Nobody”, by the Wonder Girls. “Aiyoh! They dance as if they are stroke patients undergoing physiotherapy,” added the Duck Medium who was stuck in a toilet minus the paper.

It is common knowledge that SNSD was created by SME (Saddo-Masochism Entertainment) for 40 to 50 year old men to jerk off in front of the screen. So totally no taste. Yuck. Projectile vomit. Of course, SM himself does jerk off while watching the scantily-clad nine gyrating around and bouncing their artificially-enhanced butts and boobs. “It is such a pity that silicon is non-flammable. If not, we can see nine plastics running around alight,” commented the Urban Geek, Chancellor of the Royal Urban University of Mutabak.

Do you know why SNSD fans (mainly Dirty Old Men and sexually deprived males) dislike the Wonder Girls? The answer is simple: they have far too much fabric covering their bodies. Well, we can’t blame the SNSD for having their butt cheeks hanging out of their booty shorts as cheaporella SME is low on budget. Therefore a clothed Wonder Girl, courtesy of JYP who designs, provides and pay for the clothes, can scantly clothe at least four, make that five, SNSD members.

“Are you able to tell the difference between any randomly chosen SNSD members? No, you can’t. This is because all nine went to the same plastic surgeon with the same photo. And there, you have yourself nine identically bimbotic plastics who called themselves SNSD. They are better off being called STDS,” said the Duck Medium, who was violently sick after Teck Wei forced the holy medium to watch a video of SNSD’s concert performance. The Duck Medium was mentally unhinged and emotionally unstable after he got his eyes polluted by the tasteless video, and had to be admitted into Freak Tock Seng Hospital.

But that is not all about SNSD’s shortfall. Here comes the story about the fried chicken advertisement. This is one which had the Duck Medium’s mother laughing until her sides exploded in a bloody geyser and she had to be stitched up by untrained Forensic Prataologists students at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak. In fair comparison, moronic viewers are able to see that the Wonder Girls are indeed promoting the fried chicken which looks extremely tantalising and so tempting that the cheaporella mother of the Duck Medium expressed her desire to purchase it.

However, in the SNSD’s commercial, we are blinded by nine plastic convulsing and twitching spastically as though they have Down’s syndrome. “I don’t even see the chicken. It is like the chicken has only a merciful half-a-second coverage before the nine plastics flood the screen,” fumed the Princess Mutabak while she typed furiously on her keyboard in an attempt to battle against the brain-washed SNSD fans who were tainting the pristine reputation of the Wonder Girls. “Unlike the SNSD who are involved in scandals like there is no tomorrow, the Wonder Girls have a scandal record that is as white as liquid paper,” added the Princess Mutabak.

Strange enough, the Urban Geek, Princess Mutabak and Duck Medium possess zero percent chance of becoming a SNSD fan. And that will be the last thing on their mind, and if it even was on their mind in the first place. Of course, the Duck Medium remains a neutral party as it only listens to songs with a catchy beat and a speed that will guarantee insomnia. He would rather go blind and deaf than to watch another round of SNSD video. May SME be blessed with plenty of lawsuits from a highly disgruntled Super Junior (who were banished, or rather, exiled to China. Poor lambs).

- reported by the Duck Medium (undergoing Expiration Therapy, no thanks to Teck Wei)

Freakstimes Financial Times

2010-03-02T17:08:00.000-08:00

Sinkapoor (Freaktopia) – Somewhere in the vast Pathetic Ocean is the island nation of Sinkapoor, which is plagued with crime rates higher than that of the total height of Mount Pra and Mount Ro. With both civil and nuclear wars breaking out all over the place like a severe case of mumps coupled with chicken pox, cow pox, small pox and white pox, Sinkapoor indeed really has no chance of building up its economy.

This explains its chronic bankruptcy which has caused its government to continuously leech (must have been influenced by The Leech or TFM) on the assistant funds provided by the Freaktopian Inter-dimensional Bank.

In addition to its security problems and unsolvable problem of violence, Sinkapoor is made up of very low lands, which causes it to sink everyday by 100m into the ocean. Furthermore, with tropical tsunamis occurring every 5 minutes, floods are as frequent as diarrhoea patients running to the toilet. The island nation’s declaration of state of emergency due to catastrophic floods caused by light afternoon drizzles is one of the main contributors to the sky-rocketing and never-ending debts of Sinkapoor.

Ms Urban Geek, the newly appointed CEO of the Freaktopian Inter-dimensional Bank, has declared Sinkapoor as a financially hopeless case with no cure available whatsoever.

Till date, since its founding in 2010 BM, Sinkapoor had leeched approximately 998 zillion dollars, which Princess Mutabak (a major share holder of 50% shares) said are irrecoverable as she suffered similar loss (abeit smaller, but nevertheless nearly caused the Princess to go bankrupt) caused by the Leech.

The CEO, Chairperson and Board of Directors have called for a meeting with the Very United Nation, to discuss ways on how to put Sinkapoor out of its miserable existence. So far, from what Freakstimes has gathered, the solution consisted of whispered mentions of the Immortal SSW and involves several arcane researches to be conducted at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak’s Department of Messed Communications (Post Mortem Communications).

‘Hmmm. I think the Very United Nations may want to utilise the Fijians as it solves Fiji’s problems of starvation and shortage of food supply, yet simultaneously putting an end to Sinkapoor’s leeching ways and practices,” said Dr. Hannibal, a lecturer on International Conflict, Militaristic Deterrence and Civil Lethality Studies at Allopia Spy School.

“If investigation results show that Sinkapoor really has the spending habits of the Leech or TFM, I will never allow such twisted, sinful and abominable existence to continue to have a presence on Freaktopia! The Holy Imperial Kingdom of Mutabaks will never condone the leecherella ways of Sinkapoorians and its half-baked… no, cannot-bake-it, government!” shrieked and ranted a hyperventilating (due to over-enthusiasm about eliminating the poverty-stricken leeching island)

Princess Mutabak was at her Parliamentary address to the Kitchen Cabinet of Indian Cuisine Ministers from the countries of Naan, Puree, Roti Prata, Roti John and Putu Mayam. The Princess Mutabak has decreed that Sinkapoor is to repay its debts, even if it has to go into slavery and prostitution, or face the intolerably spicy wrath of the Kingdom and United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations.

- reported by Mr Chao Chee Bai (current whereabouts is unknown as he was sold as a sex slave by the Sinkapoorian government to some ulu country in Freaktopia. Freakstimes will be hiring a new reporter to replace him. Interested parties place contact the HR office at 1800-DON’T-HIREME)

Reported by: Duck Medium

The War Street Journal

2010-02-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

Freaktopian Exchange Index Performance

“The past decade have been a complete circus and madhouse for the Freaktopian exchange as accidents, coup d'état, assassinations, kidnaps, blackmails, murders and all other assorted financially-exasperating antics are breaking out like AIDs infection spreading across Africa,” said a Freaktopian Exchange broker who was showing signs of acute depression and tethering on the edge of suicide, homicide, genocide and infanticide. Freakstimes shall leave him to his own devices and will focus on more pressing matters of the economy.

Top 10 Gainers

1. Mutabak Kingdom International

- Profits for Mutabak Kingdom International have skyrocketed from $200 trillion to $654 trillion. Its main source of income is simply idling and collecting taxes from all over of Freaktopia. Of course, its other sources of earnings cannot be disclosed as they are of delicate and sensitive nature.

2. Other Realm Inter-dimensional

- Other-Realm International though had recently suffered the loss of some of its citizens in the Immortal Pill explosion incident and had filed for a lawsuit against the Al Thosai and TFM sect, resulting in the biased Mutabakian High Court to stand in the Other Realm’s favour and ordering the two plaintiff to compensate the Realm $44.4 zillion Hell Notes for acts of Immortalization and disruption of public spookiness.

3. Allopia Spy School Global

- Enrolments for Allopia Spy School have increased multi-fold, causing the lethal training institution to expand its premises to accommodate more fresh talents for espionage, assassination and other covert operations. Its sale of graduate students to military organisations all over Freaktopia is the main reason for the school’s economic success. Although the school had once come under the Freaktopian Police’s scrutiny as it as suspected of selling students and top-notch gadgets to the Al Thosai Organisation.

4. Prata

- Hailed by all of Freaktopia as the pinnacle of fashion and is claimed by fashion divas to be the epitome perfection and the embodiment of beauty. With a cash register weighing nearly 3000 metric tonnes, it is evident that Prata will be crowned among the Top 10 Gainers in the Freaktopian Exchange, though is have to let Mutabak Kingdom International be the queen or suffer its royal wrath.

5. Homo Boss

- It must be pure miracle that the fledgling perfume company, with less than a month’s history of establishment, could make it into the Top 10 of the Exchange’s ranking. But, Homo Boss proved that it is a tough bitch and will resort to pepper spray to daintily climb up the ranking ladder while smothering itself in Homo’s Eau de Toilette. Maybe Homo Boss has used the Essence of Saint Pra to ‘por’ its way up. Who knows?

6. Meng Sisters F&B

- Although Meng Po and Meng Mei are two separate entities, they are in fact under the same umbrella. Having based their operations in Mutabak Kingdom and building their chain of shops as though they are made of Lego bricks, the whole of Freaktopia is pockmarked with Meng Po’s Soup and Meng Mei’s Congee. With their trademarked soups, copyrighted congees and patented side dishes, the Meng Sisters F&B empire are a culinary force to be reckoned with. Earnings have increased by 777.77%.

7. Goldilocks Pte Ltd

- Ah, the Goldilocks Locksmith and Security System. Brings back fond memories of those thieving buggers being blown to smithereens or batted 5000ft into the air and then splattering all over the floor like a dropped tomato. Being the most trusted brand for security products, Goldilocks is locked in position to be among the Top 10 gainers with a secured profit of $326 trillion dollars.

8. ACNE International

- As the sole creator and retailer of the notoriously famous Maureen Saw series, Voodoo Dolls and a wide range of other deadly amusing toys (also known as weapons of Mess Destruction), ACNE International has clawed its way into the Freaktopian Exchange’s Top 10 through a series of cursing, blackmailing, murders*, kidnaps and even alien abductions of its competitors; Toys’R’Us (patronised by Saint Pra**) and ACME (manufacturer of faulty explosives and carbon-dated military equipments). ACNE’s shares are forecasted to rocket by another 800% this week.

*those murders exhibit a highly creative use of the Maureen Saw products. Please download the PDF version for more instructions. Use a scapegoat; do not try it on yourself.

**Saint Pra resides in the Prefects’ Room of the Royal Urban University of Mutabak on Mount Pra. He is the patron saint of all goody-two-shoes and is the Dean of the School of Por-fessionalism.

9. Royal Urban University of Mutabak (RUUM)

- Functioning like any financial organization, the University has used its knowledge to break into Freaktopia’s insane stock exchange*. Being engaged in several research projects for the Mutabak Kingdom and the Other Realm, the University has enormous funds to put any sub-standard educational institution out of business. Monopolising the education industry** the Royal Urban University of Mutabak is seeking to take over all education in other dimensions of existence, the moment it figure out the secrets of time travel.

* Fuelled by bankruptcy, defamatory lawsuits, inflations, tax evasions, embezzlement, deflation, etc.

** Monopoly is simple if you have a PhD in Monopoly Gaming and the money to bribe the entire Ministry of Education. If bribery fails, the University has its private army of National Cadet Corpse.

10. Ong Bee Moon Mooncake Pte Ltd

- Ong Bee Moon Mooncake, is the only confectionary creation in all of Freaktopia to be infused with the artistic essence of its creator, has become a great hit with the citizens. This company only enters the Top 10 once in a blue moon and has remained sedentary due to the lack of new products. However, Ong Bee Moon has revealed in a press conference that several new creations, like the Moonstone Mooncake Cow-Jumped-Over-The-Moon Mooncake will be served at this year’s Mooncake Festival on Mount Ro.

Top Losers

1. TFM Sect

- It is no surprise that the TFM sect will rank in first on the Exchange’s Top 10 Losers. Face the facts. First, the members are spending money like there is no tomorrow, racking up the debt amount to $9987 zillion Freaktopian Dollars. This number is able to bankrupt three quarters of Freaktopia and land 99% of the citizens into irrecoverable poverty. Secondly, the Sect is banished from Freaktopia, so how do you expect the TFM members to get a job. Plus, all Freaktopians are programmed to decimate any TFM Sect member they encounter, and videotape the elimination process.

2. The Leech

- The Leech is one organism that lives on Four Leaves Bread. It gets its income by spawning an abomination once every nine months by copulating with construction workers in Mega India, and then selling the offspring to unsuspecting couples who will be eventually sucked dry of their money by their leech of a purchased child. No to forget, the Mother Leech loves to seduce priests. No man is safe from the Leech-a-rella pair. Unless you are gay.

3. Lala Cloth Tomb Raiding Company

- Lala’s shares had plummeted by nearly 987654321.000458 points since it began operation in 3 B.M (Before Mutabak) and had made losses of nearly 5.02 trillion dollars on an hourly basis. Lala Cloth is on the brink of bankruptcy due to Goldilocks products have made every tomb, household and bank into deadly impenetrable fortresses with more-than-sufficient firepower to level a continent on Freaktopia. With her Lala Cloth pay from her nose for property damage, lawsuits and staff funerals, it is no wonder why the company have collaborated with the sinful TFM Sect and the Leech, to stave off poverty.

4. Al Thosai Terrorism Inc.

- Ah. Another financially hopeless case. The Al Thosai is a terrorism group in Freaktopia, whose aim is to cause serve distress to Princess Mutabak, in hope she would abdicate the throne to its founder and leader. With its suicidal members blowing themselves into microscopic smithereens and being fined heavily by the Imperial Mutabakian Courts for each count of terror act, CEO Thosai (Princess Mutabak’s evil uncle) is at the end of its financial ropes and was reported to be grabbing wildly at straws (4^th sign of insanity recognised by Prof. Duck Medium, Director of Saint Insane Mental Institution).

5. Sinkapoor

- The tiny island floating somewhere in the Pathetic Ocean of Freaktopia has continuously suffered from chronic economic collapse and outbreak of civil wars like an uncontrollable spread of acne across Mark Lee’s moon-cratered face. Faced with the constant danger of being swept under the ocean by tsunamis or flooded by light drizzles, Sinkapoor does lives up to its name: a nation with sinking reputation and a sunken economy. (please read next century’s edition of Freakstimes for the full story on Sinkapoor’s fate)

Reported by: Duck Medium

News Flash – a flash of news will be the very last thing you see before you expire

2010-02-26T21:55:00.000-08:00

Other Realm – Yesterday evening, at approximately during the insane hours of 6pm where the expired are returning back to their crypts after a long hard day of haunting, cursing, revenge taking and other miscellaneous ghostly occupations, the SSW Immortal Pill factory blew up. The immortal pill factory was located at 666 Aloe Vera Low Drive, near to Bukit Hantu MRT interchange. When the explosion took place, fumes of highly concentrated gaseous divine essence diffused into the incense-polluted air of Aloe Vera Low Drive, causing the Other Realm inhabitants to breathe in the heavenly fumes.

This accident caused nearly 10,000 casualties as they all became immortalized and flew out of the Other Realm into the Heavenly Dimension. Several were exhibiting early symptoms of Accidental Immortalization and had to be rushed to Freak Tock Seng Hospital to undergo emergency Expiration Therapy. However, about 99% became immortals and floated through the ceilings into sainthood, much to the fury of the hospital’s chairman Ms Freako Seng.

Upon conducting an extremely intense investigation of the accident, it was discovered that several fragments of charred Thosai are recovered from the scene. The Freaktopian Police’s CID (Cannot-bake-it Investigation Division) speculated that it might be the dirty work of the Al Thosai Organization, although the public opinion is that the TFM sect is trying to take over the Other Realm and convert it into her own evil perverted playground. Just the mere thought of this spine-chilling notion caused another several more to fall into a irrecoverable coma, causing severe congestion in Freak Tock Seng Hospital.

“Just don’t let me find out who blew up the SSW Immortal Pill factory. I swear I will personally _____ that ____!” said President Hades, (tyrannical) ruler of the Other Realm, before frothing at the mouth due to over-agitation and presumably, an overdose of both dinosaur tranquilizers and Viagra.

“I feel that the Immortal Pill explosion is rather timely as the Other Realm is simply too over-populated and this is causing inflation which is bad for my citizens who want to import essentials such as pontianaks to haunt their evil family members and Voodoo Dolls to curse their cheating spouses,” croaked a feeble Princess Mutabak who had the runs 49 times after consuming an overly nutritious breakfast of Original Meng Po soup and Meng Mei True Samadhi Fire Congee.

- reported by Ms Pontianak Bte Hantu, Freakstimes Other Realm correspondent

* Freakstimes has deliberately left those words out in the report to encourage readers to have fun and unleash their creativity in literary vilification to its fullest extent.

Reported by: Duck Medium

Prata

2010-02-26T09:42:00.000-08:00

“It is not just a bag. It’s Prata.” – White Chicks

Lovers of designer bags and worshippers of high-end branded heels, Prata has finally made its way from the overcrowded 841 Madison Ave at 70th St. on Earth (another different dimension of miserable existence) to Freaktopia’s 911 Medicine Ave at 99th Heavenly Street, Egg Yolk City. Founded by Mucus Prata in 1884 B.M (Before Mutabak), who received a heavenly revelation to make bags, heels and all other assorted fashion accessories when his mucus dripped into the prata he was flipping at the Famous Thomson Crispy Prata Shop, which formed a divine message written in God’s unhygienic handwriting.

Having been in business for nearly 5000 years and had crushed all other competitors under its 10 inch diamond-studded heels, Prata is the only brand trusted by fashion gurus and addicts. “Hmmm. A good question to ask. I go for branded goods such as Prata is not because of its quality. But because it simply cost more,” replied Dumbzilla Jolie, who is an avid shopper at Prata, when asked on her preference to patronize Prata. “Orh. I shop at Prata is because it not only have my favorite leopard print, but also have red and loud clothes, and something BOOMZ, which makes me feel naughty!” exclaimed Miss Grease Low, who drew unnecessary stares to our unfortunately fashion-challenged reporter. Grease Low predicts that the noxious combination of khaki green and elephant prints will be the fashion of the next season. This statement nearly caused innocent shoppers and Mr. Mucus Prata to fall into a dead faint.

Be it handbag or heel, top or bottom, Prata will personally design it just to fit your preference. Lost or unsure of the latest trend, fret not! For Prata gives free fashion consultation as we are confident of ripping you off through our price tags. Here at Prata, you will witness fashion at its impossible pinnacle of creativity, perfection and sadistic innovation. Graduated from using synthetic materials, Prata will sson resort to using dinosaur hide to fashion its killer boots (with heels as tall as the Imperial State Building), which is sure to incur the wrath of Immortal SSW, or use the crispy skins of brutally murdered Mutabaks to fashion its latest tote bags.

If anything is worth dying for, it has got to be Prata.

Reported by: Duck Medium

New Shop Opening: Bras Pasar !!!

2010-02-22T03:38:00.000-08:00

Bras Pasar - The Number 1 Bra Market
5 Heavenly Avenue
Freaktopia 333333

Where is the best place to buy bras? Nowhere else but Bras Pasar! Here we sell all kinds of bras, in all sizes, with all kinds of designs, and for all kinds of purposes, for all kinds of people! We have sizes from A- (even smaller than A cup, just a small piece of cloth the size of a bus ticket to cover the vital bits)) to Z (about the size of lorry tyres).

Product: Triumphant SuperPowerful-XXX Bra

Some women have concerns about excessive frontal agitation, especially when they are moving. Now we have the solution! We have designed heavy-duty bras that can withstand the weight of 3 pianos, made of synthetic ultra-enhanced rubber and 20cm-thick metal (stainless steel) underwires. These bras are especially catered for women who have undergone boob jobs 1000 times to put in 1000kg implants (1000kg boobs do not occur naturally). Women who wear these bras can be assured minimal anterior movements while they are running, jumping or engaging in other vigorous physical activities. Boobs will be secured very tight in place, almost as if casted in iron mould and unmoveable. Furthermore, we can customize these bras for you, depending on your size and weight.

Price: $1000 per kg of boob
Note: Customers are adviced not to fake their boob weight in order to get bigger bras and pretend to have big boobs, because wearing sizes unsuitable for you can cause you to get breast cancer.

Product: Bust-Ticket™ Bra

For women with virtually non-existent boobs, and with chests flatter than a piece of roti prata, we have designed the Bust-Ticket™ Bra to satisfy their psychological need to wear bras even though its entirely unnecessary. To save scarce resources, we have designed bras that use recycled bus tickets attached to old rubber bands, and paper clips to fasten it.

Price: $0.10
Note: Customers may choose to supply their own bus tickets, paper clips and rubber bands (where you can get to choose your own colours!) and we'll construct a bra for you at a small service charge of $999.

Product: Macho Bra

Now you may ask, why would a man need to wear bra?!!! But there are more and more men these days developing manboobs due to various reasons such as genetic mutations, artificial implants, and excessive bodybuilding at the gym. Fret not gentlemen with manboobs, we have a specially-designed bra for you! Guaranteed to provide maximum support, it can even double as a bullet proof shield! (protect boobs only, nowhere else) Made with clear plastic (man don't need to hide their bits right?), it provides some sort of invisible support so people wouldn't know you're wearing a bra. (but achieves this result poorly) The refraction from the transparent plastic casing can also make your manboobs appear smaller than they really are. Great for those self-conscious manboobs owners! The plastic cases are attached to fishing line-thin strings to be worn around your arms and back, ensuring as low conspicuousness as possible. Wearers are advised not to make too large physical movements to avoid mutilating themselves, given the incisiveness of the strings.

Price: $999.90
Note: Only MAN with manboobs allowed, not transexuals with fake implants.

Reported by: Urban Geek

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

2010-02-13T08:07:00.000-08:00

Duck’s Quote of the Week: One night stands, they leave you standing in line for a pending abortion

Drama Queen Quote of the Week: First of all my doctor totally messed up my nose job. I ask him to make me looked like Gwyneth Paltrow, i get off the surgery table looking like freakin' Shrek. And then I get here and Mr. Harper! Makes me feel like I'm some dumb blonde with big boobs.

Highly Distressed Woman’s Quote of the Week: Hi I'm Cellulite Sally. Look at my huge ba-donkey. Don't forget about me, I'm Backfat Betty. Now who could have said that? Oh yeah, it's Tina the Talking Tummy. I can't even wear a short skirt and a top without looking like a fat pig.

Bitch Quote of the Week: Your mother's so old that her breast milk is powdered.

Reported by: Duck Medium

The Drama Queen Quiz

2010-02-13T08:06:00.000-08:00

For drama queens, no gesture is too melodramatic, no hairdo too "big", no outfit too outrageous and no wail too loud. In fact, should the life story of a drama queen ever see the light of day on the silver screen, even Meryl Streep would have to turn down the role because she just doesn't have the range to do it justice. The larger-than-life personas of drama queens stem from their fervent belief that life is a stage and others merely bit players while they are the prima-star actresses. And as the star attraction - drama queens do not merely demand attention - they revel and live right in the centre of it.

Whatever the case may be, drama queens are far more than just nervous nellies with a self-destruct button. And if you're wondering whether you belong to the former or latter category, there's only one way to find out: my self-concocted "What's Your Drama Range?" Quiz (in tribute to my favourite section in Cosmos) designed to sift out the true divas from pathetic pretenders to the throne.

Question 1
In a club, you espy someone you had an ONS with but who never called you back the next day chatting up another guy. Do you:

a) Ignore him and enjoy your club outing;
b) Sulk and start the vicious rumour that his steroid-popping habit has resulted in a "small" problem;
c) Throw your martini in his face and scream: "That's for giving me genital herpes!"

Question 2
At home, you spot a bump at the back of your neck you have never noticed. Do you:

a) Wonder how the bump came about and then forget about it;
b) Worry and immediately rush off to pay your doctor a visit; or
c) Assume you are dying of cancer, make a will and start to leave ominous messages on the answering machines of those nearest and dearest to you?

Question 3
In the subway, a stranger bumps into you with her LV tote bag causing you to momentarily lose your poise. Do you:

a) Tell yourself it was unintentional and let the matter slide;
b) Utter loudly "Well EXCUSE ME!" and roll your eyes; or
c) Focus a death stare on the unfortunate stranger so intense that children cry and pit bulls whimper within a 50-metre radius.

Question 4
At a departmental store, you try on a pair of really fierce jeans only to discover that you have ballooned from a wasp-like 27-inch waist to a 30-inch waist. Do you:

a) Accept your fate calmly while mentally making a note to hit the gym;
b) Insist on trying on every single pair of waist 27-inch jeans and then storm out of the store when you can no longer deny the truth; or
c) Demand to see the manager and threaten to sue the store for mislabelling their merchandise and for causing you unnecessary distress.

The Results

If you have picked (a) for most of the questions, you're not even remotely any where choose to being a drama queen.

If you have picked (b) for most of the questions, you're susceptible to royal tantrums more befitting members of the royal family found lower on the pecking order. Congratulations, you're the dramatic equivalent of a princess, a countess or a duchess.

And if you have picked (c) for most of the questions, we'll like to present you with a scepter and crown amidst cheers of "All Hail The Queen!" - for your Majesty is an undisputed drama queen whom even RuPaul is afraid of.

- adapted from fridae.com

Reported by: Duck Medium

Mutabak Voodoo Dolls

2010-02-13T08:05:00.000-08:00

Seething with hate? Or can’t wait to inflict great pain and sufferings on the Leech that sucked you drier than the Sahara Desert? Rejoice! For the Mutabak Voodoo Dolls is the latest toy to hit all major departmental stores near you and secluded mojo stalls hidden in the dark dingy alleys of Mutabak Kingdom.

The Voodoo Dolls will guarantee 100% effectiveness in your cursing endeavour as it uses the crust of vengeful executed Mutabaks which are marinated in the forbidden 100 Freak Essence made from the Essence of Duck Medium and SSW, liquefied Immortal Pills, expired Meng Mei True Samadhi Fire Congee and fresh Whiskie’s Connoisseur Cuisine, and then burnt to an unrecognisable crisp in the Holy Immortal’s Eight Trigrams Furnace™. The skin is then fashioned into a shape which vaguely resembles a human and unceremoniously stuffed with mouldy cotton wool and fermented green beans. And voila! ACNE International proudly presents the Voodoo Doll!

Voodoo Set

To enhance your arcane activity, ACNE International has decided to roll out a comprehensive voodoo set, which will cause you to grin so evilly that Freddie and Jason will have nightmares.

1. Voodoo Pins – these pins look like any other ordinary pins and will guarantee your safe passage through Sinkapula’s impossibly strict Customs. Larger version of the Voodoo Pin will serve as a hair pin and dress pin.

2. Voodoo Doll Guillotine Set – make your day with the Voodoo Doll Guillotine set and watch your intended victim lose his/her/its head. Literally! Comes with a packet of blood for added cinematic effect! Guillotine blade sharpener is sold separately.

3. Yellow Pages – this is not your ordinary Yellow Pages. In this book, the names, birthday and 8 Characters of everyone and anyone could be found in there (except for the Duck Medium’s, Urban Geek’s and Royal Mutabak Family). This is sure to facilitate your cursing and provide hours of fun and entertainment.

4. Voodoo for Dummies – running out of ideas on how to dispatch your victim? The Dummies book contains over 100,000 illustrations with 60,000 coloured photographs and provides an endless list of torture, killing and cursing rituals with step-by-step instructions.

5. Voodoo Installation CD – if you are so clumsy with pins that you might stab yourself instead or run a high risk of lighting yourself up during a ritual, then the Voodoo CD is just for you. Dear butterfingers and cyber-freaks, the Voodoo CD will allow you to curse and kill your victim in the electronic and savvy way. Plus, a laptop will enable you to curse and kill on the go!

Note: Voodoo Doll, pins and torture equipments are sold separately. Batteries not included.

Reported by: Duck Medium

Freakipedia: An Introduction to Mutabak Kingdom

2010-02-13T07:17:00.000-08:00

Location: Somewhere in Freaktopia, should be either in the North or South. Maybe East, but the last time I was there, I remembered I arrived there by walking West. Hmmm…

Founding Time: approximately 3 trillion years ago? Paleontologists are not very sure as Mutabak was excavated out of a huge cesspool during the Jurassic era.

Founders: Emperor Muta la Bak XXVI (who managed to unite and integrate the rivaling Crust Village and Filling Tribes together into a new breed of citizens called the Mutabak)

Population: 20 million hot and oily mutabaks scurrying around on short stubby legs

Ruler: Princess Mutabak (with the Queen Mutabak standing menacingly behind the Royal Princess with a royal scepter in her right hand and a large soapy frying pan in her left)

Popular mode of transport: Flying carpets, flying dishrags (for poor citizens and illegal migrants)

National Sport: Mutabak Flipping and wakeboarding on Lake Ghee (officially recognized by the Oil- Lamp-Pics Games .

Gross Domestic Product (Freakstimes takes the phrase’s meaning very literally): Mutabak Kingdom produces mutabaks in all shapes, sizes, flavours and in varying degrees of freshness. In addition, the Mutabak Kingdom extracts and refines QBB Ghee, which turns out to be contributing to 85% of the kingdom’s income.

Annual Income: 789 trillion Freaktopian Dollars, 9999 zillion Hell Notes currency

Daily Mortality Rate: 200,000 (dropping dead left, right and all over the place)

Hourly Birth Rates: 999,999 mutabaks are churned out of the factories like there is no tomorrow (I swear Mutabaks reproduce faster than hamsters!)

National Plant: Wheat (the main ingredient to create Mutabaks. No wheat = No life), Coconuts (every household have tons of it prepared. If the Leech put its toe past the gates of Mutabak Kingdom, the citizens are military-trained to throw those coconuts with deadly accuracy and force)

National Enemies: The Leech, TFM Sect, Al Thosai Organisation (ruled by the Princess’s evil uncle)

Places of Interest

1. Mutabak Palace – visitors may tour the grounds of the royal Mutabak Palace for free*, while Princess Mutabak is locked up in school, Princess Puree is busy sobbing her eyes out over her bastard of a boyfriend and Queen Mutabak is busy beating the hell and crap out of the royal canine, Whiskie.

2. Freak Tock Seng Hospital – suspecting you have contracted HIV or terminal cancer? Then zoom down to FTSH to find out how many months/days you are left with. At FTSH, we guarantee all patients with 100% mortality rate and an express passport to the Other Realm. Pronto.

3. Meng Po Soup Shop – take a short leisurely stroll down Hell’s Bells Rd and you will be able to take a whiff of Meng Po’s Original Soup. All passing by must purchase at least a bowl of the liquid goodness or risk incurring the wrath of a scorned crone. Check her website for the latest soups; the Medusa Broth and Faux TFM Tonic Soup.

4. Meng Mei Congee Inc – just beside Meng Po Soup Shop lies the fabled congee shop in the whole of Freaktopia and the Other Realm. Why not have a death-defying bowl of True Samadhi Fire Congee after risking your life and sanity drinking Meng Po’s impossibly heavenly soup**.

5. ACNE International – if you love your gadgets and toys like the Voodoo Dolls and Maureen Saw MK-III, then be sure make a stop at ACNE and shop till you drop. Literally.

6. Homo Boss – for those who enjoy the Essence series or suspect they have a severe case of body odor, then Homo Boss is the perfume for you. With an array of free samples of Essences for you to try, be prepared to spray yourself till your kingdom comes.

7. Prata – located on 911 Medicine Ave at 99th Heavenly Street, Prata is a haven for all designer fashion accessories lovers. Before entering, all chronic shoppers are advised to check their handbags for the following items: cash, MasterCard, Visa, American Express, checkbook and Essence of Saint Pra to ‘por’ for a cut-throat discount which will burn a hole in Mucus Prata’s cash register.

* Hurray for all cheaporella tourists and locals who are plotting to ‘accidentally’ remove some of the expensive pots, utensils and statues from the royal grounds.

** Bound to be heavenly as most of the patrons saw and moved towards The Light after just one sip of soup.

Author: Duck Medium

NEWS FLASH - New Product!

2010-02-09T22:46:00.000-08:00

Maureen Saw MK-III

“Arrrrgggghhhh! *Gurgle* SPLAT!!!!!!!! *dead silence*” –testimonial from a very satisfied victim

After much anticipation by fans, ACNE International has finally released the Maureen Saw MK-III. Made from the corpse and body parts of unfortunate victims from the Saw movie series, together with a molten mixture of Saw DVDs, chainsaw, hacksaw, electric saw and the Maureen Saw MK-II, the Maureen Saw MK-III is born! Boasting a blade so sharp that it has tremendous difficulty in cutting a birthday cake, the Maureen Saw MK-III is the one and only instrument of murder and torture for all sadists who wished (on every birthday) to replay scenes from Jason, Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street, live! With a long start-up sequence and loud buzzing sounds, the Maureen Saw MK-III will allow the victims to run for all they like, but its in-built and insured GPS will allow the user to never lose trail of his/her/its intended victim.

The Maureen Saw MK-III also incorporates a mobile phone function which allows the user to torment and harass the victim with death threats and mocking comments.

Bored? Games such as Hangman and House of the Dead 4 are available to entertain the killer while the victim tries to futilely hide in a bathroom. Satellite link to the Internet will grant the killer access to e-books on more innovative and highly amusing chopping and torturing techniques.

Buy the Maureen Saw MK-III today and begin butchering like there is no tomorrow (to the victims, the meaning is literal)!

Promotion: The Maureen Saw MK-III will be given free to those who have racked up a body count of at least the population of Egg Yolk City. Certified sadists will be given 40% discount off total purchases. Butchers will receive 30% discount. Jason-wannabes will receive 1% off.

Take your rusty Maureen Saw MK-II and trade in for a new Maureen Saw MK-III free!

Price: Please check out the price on our website (www.maureensaw.com.fk). Cheapo imitations are out in the black markets. But those will explode and impale the user with plenty of Maureen Saw shrapnel. Starcup, Sinktel or Bokia users will enjoy an extra 120% taxes and charges on their bills.

*look out for the new i-Saw in the next edition of The New Freakstimes.

Reported by: Duck Medium

NEWS FLASH - New Product!

2010-02-07T07:21:00.000-08:00

Essence of Vishnu

The Essence of Vishnu, the latest addition to Homo Boss’s Essence series of perfumes, has just been released into the market like plague. According to Homo Boss, the Essence of Vishnu is by far the easiest to produce as all he needs to do is just kidnap BHSS’s Vishnu and boil him in a vat of tar, petroleum, gasoline, kerosene, black Nippon Paint, black hair dye, black eyeliner and black underwear until sick-green effervescence is released which sets litmus paper on fire.

A secret family recipe consisting of Duck Matter, leftover National Cadet Corpse, SSW oxide, Nitrous Mutabak and liquefied Maureen Saw MK-II, is used to concoct a noxious mixture that will cause Hercules to shriek like a school girl. The mixture is then added to the earlier compound to obtain a black isolated Essence that smells strongly of phlegm, vomit and decaying diarrhoea.

This essence of Vishnu will grant the user the ability to irritate those around him/her/it to their premature death. The annoying ability is rumoured to be on par with Princess Mutabak’s annoying royal canine, Whisky.

Directions: use once a day. The combined use of Essence of Vishnu with Essence of Saint Pra will cause the user to exhibit Exorcist-like characteristic such as 360° head twisting and projectile vomiting. Do not use the entire bottle at once. Side effects of overdose are unknown. Use at your own risk.

Caution: keep within reach of elderly, children and other spastic living organisms in your home.
Disclaimer: Homo Boss will not be responsible for any deaths, disappearance, spiritual possessions, loss of sanity and limbs, destruction of furniture or vomit-stained draperies.

Cost: $987654321.123456789. We accept the following modes of payment:

1) Cash
2) MasterCard
3) Visa
4) Cheque (made payable to Homo Boss)
5) Hellnotes (please pay the correct amount)
6) Freaktopian Express Card
7) Others: please specify. (acceptance will be considered on case-by-case basis)
8) All of the above

Reported by: Duck Medium

NEWS FLASH!

2010-02-07T07:19:00.000-08:00

The current Prime Minister of Freaktopia has recently rejected the Fijian Chieftain Ugg Gaa Shaa Gaa’s 998th application to move his people into the pieceful and abundant realm of Freaktopia, after the Chief tried to eat the Prime Minister as a form of native Fijian greeting. Despite the Prime Minister attended the diplomatic meeting in a suit of armour, he had lost several appendages and chunks of flesh as Chieftain Shaa Gaa simply bite through the suit of metal as though it is made of toilet paper.

It is customary that Freaktopia changes its Prime Minister like how Paris Hilton changes her boyfriend, as Prime Ministers rarely survive any diplomatic meetings for they get eaten up, blown up, kidnapped and murdered, assassinated, possessed, turn suicidal and etc. Till date, 997 Prime Ministers have expired on an annual basis.

“It is unexpected that the Prime Minister survived the meeting with Chieftain Shaa Gaa. I will interpret this event as a sign for the cheaporella citizens of Freaktopia to spent astronomical sums of money to buy 4D, TOTO and Big Sweep. Though I would dare to say that none will actually win, but they can donate their life savings generously to the Freaktopia Pools,” said a multi-tasking Minister of Foreign Affairs who was busy scribbling on a 4D ticket, consulting the punter’s guide, placing illegal football bets with Bookiemon (a notorious bookie) and answering our Freakstimes reporter’s questions.

Although the Freaktopian Prime Minister rejected the Fijian application, the Princess Mutabak is considering granting the Fijians a special citizen status: the Permanent Resident Evil status. Negotiations between the Royal Princess of Mutabak Kingdom and the Chieftain Ugg Gaa Shaa Gaa will take place at the Sultana, where the Chieftain can bite grapefruits instead of sinking his teeth into our Princess’s egg membrane. The Mutabakian Parliament speculated that the negotiation will include the satisfaction of the Fijians’ diet by adding the Leech and the devious TFM sect in the menu of destruction, as well as free slave trade to boost the global economy and productivity.

When asked for the real reason behind the Princess Mutabak’s willingness to negotiate with the See-Food Syndrome stricken Fijian Chieftain, Her Highness’s eyes flashed and widen to the size of Dodo Fishballs as she simply replied, “Mutabak Kingdom cannot afford our Prime Ministers to die on an annual basis. This is VERY bad for our economy as state funerals are terribly expensive and they include 7% GST.”

- Reported by special correspondent Mr Hao Bo Liao (currently undergoing facial construction at Freak Tock Seng Hospital after Chief Shaa Gaa bit off his face)

Freaktopian Citizen Admission Examination

2010-01-29T06:34:00.000-08:00

There has been an influx of both legal and illegal immigrants into Freaktopia in the past 3 years. The new migrants come from all over the universe and the other realm as well. The sudden and explosive population boom has created major problems for the government of Freaktopia and has incited much furore from the citizens. These immigrants were felt to be uneducated, barbaric, insane, bloodthirsty, among other adjectives used to describe them.

To control the influx of migrants and to ensure that these people are of sufficient calibre and level of intelligence, the Ministry of Immigration has decided to administer an entrance exam to filter out the hopeless cases and the nutcases so that whoever gets the privilege of becoming Freaktopian citizens would be those who truly qualify.

To satisfy the insatiable appetite of the readers for top secret and highly confidential info, the highly resourceful reporter of Freakstimes has braved mortal perils and risked her limbs to obtain a copy of the examination paper. Below are the questions in the exam. Answers not provided, unfortunately.

1) Who is the Minister of Immigration? __________________
2) What is the name of the Princess of Murtabak's royal canine? ____________
3) Who is the mortal enemy of the Al Thosai Organization? ____________
4) Who created the Immortal Pill? _____________
5) Who colonized Colonel Sanders of KFC? _____________
6) Who won the First Inter-Realm Martial Arts Competition? __________
7) What are the winning Toto numbers on 23rd July 1997? ______________
8) What is the most popular shopping mall in Freaktopia? ___________
9) Which is the most prestigious school in Freaktopia? ______________
10) Did Dairy Queen marry Burger King? __________
11) Where on Freaktopia is Old MacDonald's farm? ___________
12) How should you say your prayer before eating the Holy Burger from Mosque Burger? ____
13) What are the benefits of Duck Matter? __________________
14) Who is Mr Kana Sai? ______________
15) You must be a user of which telecommunication company before you can buy the Immortal Pills? __________________
16) Which is Freaktopia's favourite mooncake shop? __________________
17) What is the Holy Immortal SSW's favourite dinosaur? _____________
18) What is murtabak made of? ____________________
19) Name a famous dish in Critter Connoisseur Whiskey's Critter Cuisine Menu. __________
20) Name the states in the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine. ________________

Reported by: Urban Geek

Unclassified Recruit - Hiring!!!

2010-01-24T18:52:00.000-08:00

Due to too many of our Freaksimes reporters, journalists and correspondents mysteriously disappearing permanently, dying all over the place, becoming permanently incapacitated and held hostage by the Mafia and Al Thosai Organisation, Freakstimes is becoming severely understaffed. Our Chief Editors such as Urban Geek, Duck Medium aka Kaypoberry, Princess Mutabak, Immortal SSW and Biohazard Scientist have to risk their limbs, sanity and lives to dig out the news for our deplorably ignorant and chronically insatiable readers.

To those who do not know what is ABC and scored remarkable straight Fs, the Freakstimes wants you! As long as you are allergic to words and alphabets, you are our ideal candidate. On-the-job training will be provided to increase your non-existent chance of survival in Freaktopia. Applicants are highly encouraged to draw up their last will and testament with our incompetent and corrupt lawyers. Join us and begin your career in literary vilification and fanning the flames of international and inter-dimensional warfare and conflict.

Minimum requirement: must know basic Hokkien vulgarities.

The Freakstimes Pledge

We, the writers of Freakstimes
Poise ourselves as one freakish publication
Regardless of Mutabak, Prata or Other Realm, to churn out news like there is no tomorrow
Based on blackmailing and highly fertile imagination
So as to achieve panic, social irresponsibility and chaos for Freaktopia.

NEWS FLASH!

2010-01-22T21:28:00.000-08:00

Mati (somewhere in an ulu corner of Freaktopia) - Due to the recent earthquake that struck the poverty-stricken island of Mati (due to the Leech floating nearby the unfortunate island as its ship sunk into a whirlpool), the citizens are literally dying of grievious injuries, thirst and hunger.

Several nations such as the Disunited Kingdoms, Mutabak Kingdom, The United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations and the Very United Nations are rendering aid in the form of cash, food, water, medicine and security.

However, the chaotic situation in Mati have escalated to a hopelessly catastrophic level as the desperately hungry quake victims have resorted to eating the Dhal soldiers who were doing their best to promote looting and all other assorted crimes.

As food supplies proceeded to trickle into Mati like a blocked sewage pipe, the starving citizens began to suffer from See-Food syndrome due to extreme hunger and long-term suppression of the urge to munch on every Mutabak, Prata, Dhal and other Indian Cuisine Soldiers roaming the streets. Dr Muttonbak Pilo was eaten alive while examining a Mati citizen, who was rescued from a collapsed toilet.

“The situation is very dangerous and chaotic! We really want to help the Matis but unable to do so if they keep on trying to eat us!” screamed a fellow Very United Nations volunteer who was being ripped from crust to crust by a toothpick-thin teenager.

Barracks Osama, President of the Disunited States of America, have requested the help of the Duck Medium and Summoner Geek to perform the Sending of the deceased. The Nekomancer was knocked out by a blast from a nearby suicide Thosai bomber while chanting the sutras to prevent the outbreak of Mad Corpse Disease. Princess Mutabak suspected it is the work of the notorious Al Thosai Organisation. The Freaktopian Defense Ministry has mobilised its National Cadet Corpse to plough through the wreckage for leftovers and carcasses.

- Reported ‘Live’ by Ms Mai Cow Peh

Promotion!!!

2010-01-22T21:26:00.000-08:00

After much liasing with Saint Pra via the Duck Medium, Homo Boss is delighted to announce that students* in the Forensic Prataology faculty are eligible to purchase the Essence of Saint Pra at the Royal University of Urban Mutabak’s (RUUM) bookshop. Those currently studying at Allopia Spy School are advised to break into RUUM at night to steal the Essences or they can choose to purchase at Allopia’s black market at daylight-robbery prices. Get your Essence of Saint Pra now while stocks last!

*Students must have either skipped 99% of their attendance, failing almost all of their exams or both to be eligible to buy the Essence. Promotion is also applicable to students in the Por-fessional course.

Buy now! And bootlick your way to success, fame and riches!

Note: patrons of Essence of Saint Pra must regularly make a pilgrimage to Mount Pra and Mount Ro, or else they will be visited by the apparition of Ding Bat Chia, a being more powerful that Saint Pra.

Por-fessionalism Course P1101 now offered at Allopia Spy School

2010-01-17T18:39:00.000-08:00

Porfessionalism Course P1101

It's been said that the working world is like a jungle, where there's no one you can trust and everyone else to be wary of. People like your boss exist to make your life hell, while your coworkers whom you thought you can trust are actually sneaky backstabbers who will not hesitate to use you as a stepping stone to climb up the corporate ladder. Even the office tea lady isn't as harmless as you would think. She's actually a spy hired by your boss to keep a watch on the unknowing employees.

The corporate world is no playground for the innocent souls. To get ahead in life and to achieve the material success as defined and promoted by our capitalist society, maneuvering through this jungle is the only path. You either come out richer and wiser or beaten and wretched. For the uninitiated, this course will teach you how to survive in such a hostile and treacherous environment. You will learn to "smoke" your way to the top. You will learn the most important skill you'll need at the workplace - Porfessionalism. How else did you think your quarter-brained superior managed to climb above you?

Cowford Dictionary
"Por" is a Hokkien term literally meaning "to carry". An act of sycophancy. Buttering someone up, or brown-nosing.

In a survey of 10 million Freaktopian employees, it was found that the majority of them (99.9%) named Porfessionalism as the most crucial skill to help one get promoted. Career expert Miss Lao Kay Poh from the Allopia Spy School Career Counseling Centre advised fresh graduates to pick up Porfessionalism because it is so relevant and essential to achieving success in the working world today. "Don't think of leaving school without knowing a thing or two about Porfessionalism! Apply for the Porfessionalism Course at Allopia Spy School now!"

Indeed this new course which was recently introduced by ASS aims to equip students with the essential knowledge and practical skills of Porfessionalism to help them achieve a smooth and successful career in the perilous terrain of the business world. This course will be taught by Prof Sibeh Nabeh who has accumulated over 50 years of experience in Porfessionalism throughout his time in the corporate world.

Lesson Plan

Week 1: Introduction to Porfessionalism
Week 2: Theories of Porfessionalism
Week 3: Porfessionalism Strategies and Tactics 1
Week 4: Porfessionalism Strategies and Tactics 2
Week 5: Top Porfessionals in History - Guest Lecture by retired Porfessionalism Expert Mr. Kana Sai from Japan
Week 6: Practical in Porfessionalism 1 - Practise Porfessionalism on your coursemates
Week 7: Practical in Porfessionalsim 2 - Practise Porfessionalism on your schoolmates and other lecturers
Week 8: Industry attachment - Project: Por your way to get a promotion within 3 days
Week 9: Industry attachment - Project: Por your way to get a selected coworker fired within 2 days
Week 10: Industry attachment - Project: Por your way to get climb above your boss within 3 days
Week 11: Final Exam
Week 12: Award Ceremony for Top Porfessional in the course - The winner gets a full refund of the course fee!

Course fee: $1 million (small cost compared to your gains in the working world lah!)
Contact: Call 1900-123-4567 to book your place now!!!

Reported by: Urban Geek

NEWS FLASH - New Product!

2010-01-17T02:38:00.000-08:00

Essence of Saint Pra

Homo Boss, the famous manufacturer of the Essence series, is introducing a new product to Essence lovers; the Essence of Saint Pra. Everyday, a worker, under the disguise of a student, will make a solemn and silent pilgrimage to the Statute of Saint Pra in the St. Pra Chapel on Mount Pra and make an offering of confiscated items, recordings of public caning and school ties and badges before seeking permission to obtain the precious vapour. When distilling the essence, one must be decked out immaculately in school uniform (shirt tucked in, with tie and badge and non-coloured hair), or else, Saint Pra will visit divine school punishment onto the offender by summoning Ding Bat Chia the Caning Master. By spraying the Essence of Saint Pra, you will experience an obsessive need to strictly follow school rules, bootlick every teacher and be able to come in first in any race, be it Cross Country or F1.

Price: $9.90. strictly for BHSS students only. Off limits to students from Waffles Institution.

Coming up next week: Essence of Vishnu.

Reported by Duck Medium

Events

2010-01-17T02:37:00.000-08:00

Ancient Egyptian Exhibition

An exhibition of ancient Egyptian pharaohs will be held at the Royal University of Urban Mutabak’s Exhibition Hall 3002, where the ignorant public can go ogle at those highly-expired dead bodies and learn that there is no such thing as immorality (obviously the Leech and the TFM have missed quite a few important lessons). To spice up the event, the Nekomancer* will be invited as special guest to entertain the audience by reanimating some of the more destructive corpses to induce some terror and bloodshed. The Duck Medium will be present to provide free embalming, mummification and afterlife consultation services to cheaporella members of the public.

Please look after yourself and those you bring along as the management will not be responsible for any accidental deaths, injury, permanent incapacitation and disappearance. Before attending the event, please update your will and top up your insurance coverage. Paranoid members of the public are rest assured as the exhibition hall is guarded by the elite National Cadet Corpse (NCC) to deter any acts of terrorism by the Dhal Kingdom or Al Thosai’s Suicide Frying Attack. With the joint efforts of the Nekomancer, Duck Medium and Summoner Urban Geek, an anti-Leech and anti-TFM magical barrier will be erected to protect the public in case (touch wood) the pair happened to linger around the neighbourhood. The barrier will also serve to prevent the corpses from escaping out of the exhibition hall and kill everyone they see on the street.

Admission: $123456789 per child, $987654321 per adults and free entry for the deceased. Zombies, ghouls and pontianaks are admitted on case-by-case basis.

Note: do not feed the NCC with holy water or Duck Matter as it will cause them to suffer from Mad Corpse Disease, which will make the event very messy with body parts and gore. Audience discretion is advised.

*Neko means ‘cat’ in Japanese.

For more events, please check with your nearest Cyst-Stick outlets and get your tickets there at extra charges!

Reported by: Duck Medium

NEWS FLASH

2010-01-17T02:36:00.000-08:00

(Macarena Temple) Freaktopia – the Urban Geek have decided to retreat into the Ancient Tomb and train herself to become a summoner and bring Piece to the fragmented lands of Freaktopia. Freaktopians, the Other Realm and the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations (UEICN) were shocked by her decision but nevertheless, they supported it.

Urban Geek made the decision to embark on the tough and perilous journey of a summoner due the re-emergence of the Leech (after a billion year banishment, and unfortunate birth of its toilet spawn) and the rise of the TFM sect, as their mere presence were capable of causing the citizens of the Other Realm to turn in their graves and their leaky auras of poverty are plunging economies after economies into irrecoverable bankruptcy; resulting in uncountable cases of insanity, murders, kidnap, blackmail, arson, suicides, genocides, civil wars, world wars and all other assorted catastrophes breaking out all over the place like pimples, acne and rashes on Mark Lee’s moon-cratered face.

Several royal advisers and misfortune-tellers have voiced their suspicion that the Al Thosai and Dhal Kingdom are being manipulated by the Leech and the TFM, much to the Princess Mutabak’s annoyance as she gave the oh-I-knew-it-500000-years-before-you-even-open-your-mouth expression at a press conference in Waffles Hotel (Sinkapoor).

While the Urban Geek is training in Macarena Temple, the Duck Medium will be embarking on his pilgrimage from Mount Pra’s Prata Temple to Saint Mutabak Temple in Mount Ro. “Well, if the pilgrimage does not work out, I will simply blast that obnoxious and noxious pair of sinful organisms to their kingdom come,” said Princess Mutabak curtly as she was busy disciplining Whisky, the only living thing on Freaktopia that is capable of causing nightmares, sore throats (from yelling ‘shut up!’ every 0.5 seconds) and flared tempers to the royal family .

Reported by Foreign Correspondent Miss Lim Ko Pi (currently in Freak Tock Seng Hospital's mortuary)

Freaktopia MTV

2010-01-12T02:37:00.000-08:00

What are the top hits this week in Freaktopia? Let's tune in to check out!

1. Spicey Girls - Wantanme
2. Back Alley Boys - Shape of my butt
3. Moron 5 - That Love
4. 60 Cents - The Prata Song
5. Lady Baba - Pokey Face

Reported by: Urban Geek

Forensic Prataology New modules

2010-01-08T05:49:00.000-08:00

Semester modules

1. Introduction to Prata Flipping

Description: The art of prata flipping dates back to 23 B.M. (Before Murtabak), about thousands of years ago. It was invented and mastered by the people of Paratha Nation, a lost civilzation after it was destroyed by a deadly natural disaster known as Hurricane Currina.

Fortunately, the ancient art survived because some Parathian traders brought the skill and knowledge to Freaktopia in exchange for some Holy Immortal Pills, one of the national products of Freaktopia.

Since then, Prata Flipping has become a phenomenon, and has even been elevated to pop culture status all over Freaktopia and the Other Realm. Even the previously popular Pollywood boyband Backstreet Boys quit their singing career to turn to flipping pratas, and they even renamed themselves "Backstreet Prata Boys". Such is the prestige of learning to flip pratas.

This course aims to introduce students to the honorable art through theories, practical lessons and a group project. For the group project, students are required to perform a Prata Flipping Act and write a 100,000-words report on a case study of one renowned Prata Flipper from history. Insights and demonstrations by guest lecturers (possibly Backstreet Prata Boys, if their schedule permits) will also be part of the pedagogy.

Lesson Plan

Week 1: Introduction to the art of flipping pratas
Week 2: History of Prata Flipping
Week 3: Basic theories of Prata Flipping 1
Week 4: Basic theories of Prata Flipping 2
Week 5: Beginners Prata Flipping Methods 1
Week 6: Beginners Prata Flipping Methods 2
Week 7: Famous Prata Flippers - A brief history
Week 8: Guest Lecture by Backstreet Prata Boys
Week 9: Visit to the Prata Shrine - Home of the Master Prata Flippers
Week 10: Guest Lecture by 60 Cents (Rapper cum Prata Flipper)
Week 11: Project Presentation
Week 12: Examination

Note: Upon completion of this course, students can proceed to take up Level 2 Prata Flipping module. Students will receive a Level 1 Certificate upon completion of this course, which will allow them to take up part-time jobs as assistant flippers at the Famous Thomson Crispy Prata Shop. To become a chief flipper, a pHD in Forensic Prataology is required.

Below are some career options for each level of mastery in Prata Flipping:

Level 1: Assistant flipper, apprentice, intern
Level 2: Associate Flipper, Junior Flipper, Executive Flipper
Level 3: Senior Associate Flipper,
Level 4: Senior Flipper, Flipper Manager --- for Masters students
Level 5: Chief Flipper, Chief Flipping Officer (CFO) --- for pHD students

Reported by: Urban Geek

Allopia Spy School Announces New Major

2010-01-08T03:49:00.000-08:00

Forensic Prataology

Entry Requirements: Allopia Spy School Diploma (GPA of S-rank in all subjects)

A-Levels (must achieve 15 points), where A=5, B=4, C=3, D=2, E=1

Award: Honours Degree in Forensic Pratatology (awarded by the Royal University of Urban Mutabak)

Course description:

Here, in the prestigious department of Forensic Prataology, students will be studying subjects from a wide range of scientific and culinary fields, to gain a deeper and tasteful insight into the anatomy of Pratas, Thosais, Mutabaks, Puffs and all other culinary citizens that are covered in a layer of oily and crispy skin or crust.

Semester modules

1. Dissection and Restoration

Students will definitely need to be trained in the crucial skill of dissection as they need to open up dead cuisines to identify the victim (as they often turn up too badly mangled and masticated to be recognised) and cause of death. Based on the condition of the carcass, different blades have to be used to attain efficiency and effectiveness in the process so as not to destroy any lingering evidence. For example, a frozen Curry Puff has to sawed open using a Maureen Saw MK-II.

Besides dissecting, Prataologists have to be equally adept at patching up their leftovers on the chopping board. Demonically-tough training in Dough-moulding, Crust Restoration and Skin-sewing will simply drive students to their premature insanity or expiry.

Note:

A. Cuisines may sometime turn up at the laboratory half-dead. It is the student’s job to finish up the leftovers.

B. When handling expired cuisines, please have a shotgun or flamethrower nearby. Expired cuisines have the tendency to exhibit some Silent Hill characteristic. In that situation, please panic.

C. The school will not be responsible for any insanity, permanent incapacitation, deaths and disappearances. Students apply at their own risk.

2. Toxicology : Practical Approach and Application

During the 1 year course in Toxicology, students will be versed in all kinds of poisons and toxins which are capable of killing a Mutabak or Prata. Experiments are conducted in a lab with fresh death-row prisoners being imported into the campus daily. Practicing in a torture chamber (sponsored by the Duck Medium), students can get to witness the dreadful results of Mutabaks soaked in water, Pratas disintegrating in curry and Thosais being burnt into unrecognisable crisps by Thai Chilli Sauces.

Note:

A. “F” grade will be given to students who fail to put at least 1000 death-row inmates out of their misery by the end of the module. “A” will be given to those who killed at least a Leech or a member of the TFM sect.

B. Students are required to be creative in killing off their subjects. This will allow them to fully appreciate and remember the knowledge taught to them.

C. Outstanding students will be suspected as Al Thosai terrorists. Score at your own risk.

Reported by: Duck Medium

The Noway Journals Top News

2010-01-04T20:58:00.000-08:00

Noway (North of Freaktopia) – Last Thristday, the sub-zero country of Noway experienced a strange phenomenon of Curry rain, which appeared to be rather entertaining at first as the cheapo citizens tried to pack as many barrels of curry in a cheaporella attempt to sell these precious and spicy liquids to the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations.

However, the situation soon graduated from interesting to catastrophic as Noway continue to rain curry heavily as if there is no tomorrow. In no time, Noway is flooded with curry as high as 10 metres.

“The flooding is expected to worsen as the monsoon season is approaching tomorrow,” said a Nowayian Meteorological Agency scientist. The weather station showed reports of impending tsunamic weather and touring Mutabaks and Pratas are advised to get the hell out of boiling reservoir of curry as soon as possible to avoid being disintegrated by the torrential gravy. But due to the extremely bad weather, foreign Mutabaks and Pratas are stranded as the Royal Holy Mutabak Embassy is buried under 9000 feet of mutton curry.

Meanwhile, Suayden, Noway’s neighbouring country, is experiencing heavy downpours of safari animals such as elephants and rhinoceros. After 2 minutes of the ‘heavy’ rain, the country reported a death toll of 3.2 million (where 5% are the Suayden’s ministers, politicians and ruler).

“It is no wonder that so many got crushed to death under a falling elephant. Who ask them to be so…,” said a Suayden citizen before he, and a Freakstimes reporter, was pulverised under a shower of elephants, rhinos and a few other assorted animals like lions, hippos and a blue whale.

Scientists at the Mount Ro University’s Department of Catastrophic Weather speculated that maybe a science experiment of the Immortal SSW has gone wrong and is currently wreaking havoc all over the place.

- Reported by Miss Mee Pok

The Freaktopian Business Times

2010-01-04T20:56:00.000-08:00

Last Friedday, the Prata Economic Index (PEI) plummeted by 5459.666 points, from 5460.666 to 1 point, which caused the country’s economy to collapse like LEGO bricks after being sat on by a grossly overweight Stephanie. Frying in a state of economic turmoil, the Prata Republic’s government flew the coop, to save their own crispy skins, after witnessing civil wars breaking out left, right, centre, front, back, top and bottom as if there is no tomorrow.

Economy analysts speculated that this rare but highly destructive economic phenomenon is caused by the presence of The Leech, whose bankrupting aura will simply plunge any nation into irrecoverable bankruptcy. Furthermore, that organism’s aura is capable of curdling fresh QBB Ghee (an important natural resource that keeps the Indian Cuisine Nations’ economy hot, oily and crispy) into a pile of toxic diarrhoea-like substance.

“We must not let The Leech continue its sponging ways in the lands of Freaktopia! We must find a way to send it to the Other Realm!” exclaimed a looter who was busy stealing curry powder and chilli sauce from a shop.

Apparently, the looter’s comments threw the Other Realm into complete confusion and panic as the thought of The Leech entering their realm will simply spell catastrophe for the spiritual world. The Other Realm have been enjoying triple-digit economic growth ever since it was founded in 999 trillion light years B.M (Before Mutabak) and could not imagine their strong Hellnotes currency being reduced into worth pieces of scrap paper by the devastating Leech’s aura.

King Yen Lo called for a convention to discuss a solution to the impending problem. The convention will be held at MoonTec City Convention Hall at Mount Ro. All wheelchair and trishaw traffic will be diverted to Mount Pra Expressway for 10 years.

- Reported by Kaypoberry and Julie Biscuit

Channel News Freaktopia

2009-12-27T23:51:00.000-08:00

Top News - National Cadet Corpse (NCC) established by Freaktopian Ministry of Defence

Freaktopia - The Freaktopian Minister of Defence Mr Kana Sai today announced the establishment of a mercenery army, the National Cadet Corpse. The army of undead soldiers will provide a range of services from assault to espionage - you name it, they do it. These indestructible forces would certainly prove to be a deterrent to any terrorist groups, such as the Al Thosai group, intending to bomb the cities of Freaktopia with their repulsive Curry bombs and Eggplant Missiles.

Each soldier is carefully selected from the Freaktockseng Hospital Mortuary, through a series of tests and interviews (through spiritual communication) that sieves out only the elites among the myriad of rotting corpses. The selected corpses are then genetically injected with the breakthrough and newly-patented Immortal SSW's Immortality Genes that tranform the corpses into animate beings.

These undead soldiers are then put through 10 years of rigorous training and conditioning where they are force-fed 1 kg of Duck Matter daily. The Duck Matter is a special concoction of revolting Heavenly Herbs, Essence of the Holy Duck Medium and a strand of Sadako Hair. This dreadful mixture can endow a person with powerful strength and supernatural abilities (differs from person to person). However, the Duck Matter can only be consumed by the non-living things. Any living person that tries to consume it will see his/her driving licence revoked.

After 10 years, these soldiers would be ready to serve in the prestigious National Cadet Corpse where they would receive fat monthly salaries of $100 billion (hell money).

To engage the NCC's services, please call 1900-999-9999.

Service charge: $1 billion per hour

News Break - Where News Break Windows, Necks and Spines

2009-12-27T21:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday afternoon, the Duck Medium was on his way to Sim Lim Polygon when he saw the Insufferable Leech, a hellspawn created from the sinfully sinful TFM’s toilet, travelling on the same bus. The Leech, also known as Spafanie the Barren One, was observed to have lost incredible amounts of weight, but nevertheless, still retaining its trademark triple-chins.

“Of course it will retain its triple chins! If not, how are the inhabitants going to recognise that organism?” commented Princess Mutabak, who was corresponding with the Duck Medium via Spirit Mail from her royal bathroom.

But to make matters worse for the Duck Medium, he saw the Leech with Mother Leech, causing the Medium to come to the morbid decision of having to wash his eyes in a noxious mixture of holy water mixed with Dettol, including a toxic infusion of liquefied SSW Immortal Pill.

In a desperate attempt to contain the epidemic (that will inevitably arise as any ordinary living thing which comes into contact with The Leech will become infected and become a miniature, but nonetheless, as dangerous as the original), the Freaktopian Government declared a state quarantine of the infected inhabitants. If the quarantined people show signs of leech-transformation, they will immediately be exported to the TFM sect by DHL’s express post.

Both the Duck Medium and Princess Mutabak agreed that the weight loss of The Leech is most probably due to it being either unable to find anyone to sponge off or it has finally run out of money (obtained from selling its spawn to some unfortunate childless couple) to continue its diet of Four Leaves bread.

Immortal SSW expressed an interest in capturing The Leech and subjecting it to his most demented experiments, with the assistance of the Duck Medium, to obtain more valuable data on this sinful and detested organism.

As soon as the Ministry of Demented Experiments and Research (MODER) approve the study, the Royal Mutabak Kingdom is willing to fund the Immortal SSW’s research. Interested members of the public can view the experiment live at Mount Pra University, Dangerous Biological Experiments Block F, Basement 49. Entrance is free. Watch at the risk of your own sanity.

Kaneena Kana reporting from Mutabak-Bak, Mutabak Kingdom – Freaktopia

News Break - Where News Break Windows, Necks and Spines

2009-12-21T19:21:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, after a press conference at the Shangila Hotel (Mutabak Kingdom), the envoy representing the Holy Royal Mutabak Kingdom, was found dead in the hotel’s kitchen. Burnt to an unrecognisable crisp, the Forensic Prataologists are called in to identify the victim by matching his fillings against those found in the Freaktopian and UEICN database.

“We suspect very foul play as the Royal Mutabak envoy was found to be fried in a pirated Tefal non-stick frying pan with Axe-brand medicated oil to induce extreme suffering during the cooking process,” said a police spokesperson at a press conference this morning in a conference closet at the Royal Mutabakian Police Complex.

The Princess of Mutabak, who suspected either the Al Thosai Organisation or the sinfully unappetising Dhal Kingdom was behind this merciless culinary act, declared a state of emergency and activated the kingdom’s entire military force to hunt down and decimate the perpetrator.

“If the gods in heaven have eyes, may they strike down the evil asshole with lightning and flood the Dhal Kingdom with ultra-spicy curry rain!” exclaimed the highly-emotional and hyperventilating Princess at her royal address to the citizens of Mutabak Kingdom last evening.

Reported by: Kani Nabei

News Break - Where News Break Windows, Necks and Spines

2009-12-20T22:10:00.000-08:00

Allopia (Freaktopia) – The prestigious educational institution of Allopia, located somewhere in the vast and highly confusing realm of Freaktopia, has decided to revise some of its existing curriculum to better serve the Allopian students in the near apocalyptic future. Minister for Education, Panama Puree said, “The Mutabak Kingdom is becoming an increasingly powerful and important nation in the dimension of Freaktopia, which justifies the need to implement the new Mutabak Studies as soon as possible.”

The Mutabak Studies, comprising of Mutabaklish, Mutabak’s Anatomy and Indian Cuisine Sociology, will equip Allopians with the necessary skills and knowledge to protect the Holy Royal Mutabak Kingdom and the precious natural resources of the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nations (UEICN): raw QBB Ghee. For graduate students, the subjects available are: Practical Sauce Research, Chemical and Biological Ghee Engineering, AeroSauce Engineering and Theological Mutabak philosophy. The National University of Royal Urban Mutabak (NURUM), an accredited affiliated partner of Allopia Spy School, is offering Curryology, Forensic Prataology, Medical Filling-o-logy, Cuisine Law and Management in Catastrophic Fairy Tale.

With a variety of new subjects available, students at Allopia Spy School can look forward to days where they will be studying till they grow mould and collect dust. “By equipping our students with crucial Mutabak and Indian Cuisine knowledge and practical hands-on, the Mutabak Kingdom and the UEICN will become a formidable force to be reckoned with,” declared a crispy and oily Royal Mutabak Kingdom envoy.

-a special report by Kaypoberry and Duck Medium

Prehistory A Trip in Time Episode 2

2009-12-20T01:22:00.000-08:00

Episode 2 Weird Bugs & Fish and the 1st Plants

Chrono came out of the portal with Serena & I piloting it. With the same dead landscape beneath us, Serena groused about me goofing up the controls again. With its typical green lettering, the chronometer stated with its green lettering: “Ordovician Period--- 450 MYA”. Oxy came into the cockpit and helped herself into a seat, limping with a bandaged foot as she went. She enquired about our place in the space-time continuum. The face of Mr Ng appeared itself on our monitor screen.

Mr Ng: “Hey, I heard of Oxy's foot, so I thought that i will send someone to help you guys out. Right in our cockpit, a bluish coloured portal appeared right inside of our cockpit. A dark-skinned girl appeared in front of us saying, “Hello nice to meet you, my name is Leena.” Mr Ng: “This is your new teammate for this mission. If there are no other issues to discuss, I am signing off.”

The monitor image disappeared to a click and the status screen chimed “Autopilot landing sequence” completed. After exchanging pleasantries with Leena we promptly decided Serena & I will go to explore the ocean while Oxy and Leena will stay in the ship as Oxy have not recovered sufficiently enough for the fieldwork. The air was 16% oxygen. As a result we had to take breathfuls of oxygen from our oxygen tanks. Without them, we will go into a coma. Also this time around, Serena and I decided to make the creatures come to us instead of us looking for them. Looking for a bait was easy-- nothing much have changed since the Cambrian and the shoreline was still littered with animal remains washed up from the sea. Trilobites and other bits and pieces of exoskeleton were jumbled in one smelly mess. We selected a small jawless fish. We put on our diving suits and waded into a shallow lagoon. Spearing the bait, I waved it in the shallow water, staining the water red. Serena monitored an underwater camera so that if something arrives, we will know about it.

Suddenly when I was holding a harpoon, I felt something tugging it. I quickly looked through my goggles and tried to investigate what could be causing the tugging. I looked down and saw a sea scorpion. Having just eaten the fish bait, waving its spines and claws, it was not too happy about being disturbed. It had a scorpion-like body and curled up its tail into a threat pose. I was forced to let go of it into the water and it cut my left leg with its claws. Reddish- blood stained the water. Serena got the action on camera

On the beach, the cut was still oozing blood. It was very deep. I applied antiseptic on the wound. Serena & I discussed what to do next. I suggested that we try look for something bigger. But the day passed by quicker than usual and evening fell quickly. The 21 hour days have disrupted our body clocks.

The next day after a hearty breakfast of kaya bread and eggs, Serena and I went to the beach again. We were very jovial and wondered with excitement at what we could find. But we had to find much bigger bait. We saw a large dead trilobite half buried in sand and we found it useful enough for the job. I removed the eyes and installed a miniature camera in place. It is connected to a monitor where we can see whether creature would like to take a free lunch. Wearing a chain mail suit to protect us against those pesky sea scorpions, we took our motor boat to a deeper portion of the lagoon. We laid our bait into the water and after that---- a long afternoon of waiting. We had a picnic, played our PSPs and chatted about the English Premier League.

Suddenly the rope became taut. I tried to pull the rope, but I seemed tuck to a much larger animal than a sea scorpion. Serena inspected the monitor footage. It showed an animal swimming through the water and using its tentacles it grasped the camera and bought it closer to its horny beak. The last image shown was one of the horny beaks before the footage ended. Serena remarked: “The creature is not going to stick around. Hurry we must dive!”Quickly we put on our breathing apparatus and dived into the water.

The rope formed a trail in the open sea. Serena pointed out that “If we follow the trail, it may lead us to the creature!” We followed the rope. The denizens of the Ordovician sea became apparent to us. Primitive jawless fish swam by us. Stalked trilobites peeked out of the sea bottom. Crinoids drifted in the water with their tentacles absorbing any food they can find. An army of sea scorpions were swimming in one direction. There was no apparent reason for this behaviour.

Suddenly, the rope ended. The bait seems to have been bitten off and the rope seemed to be frayed. We saw our target nearby. An Orthocone appeared. As long as 2 buses, it was big enough to be the creature that took the bait. Its shell was long and straight. Drifting in the water column, it grabbed an unsuspecting sea scorpion with its deadly tentacles. The sea scorpion struggled fully and the orthocone crushed its exoskeleton with an audible crunch.” I would hate to be caught by this creature”, Serena commented. No sooner she said that that the orthocone moved towards her, thinking that Serena would make a nice main course. I quckly shone a flashlight into its eyes hoping to distract it. It got deterred and retreated. Whew!!

Curious about the retreating orthocone, we wanted to see where it would go. Serena: “Hey let us grab the shell and swim with it!!!” Excitingly, we grabbed the tip of its shell and held onto it until the water got black. We realized that the orthocone was going into deeper water and we let go of it reluctantly. Swimming with the orthocone was an exhilarating experience. We are on our way back to shore with our boat when we saw the shoreline. The shoreline was full of sea scorpions mating --- that is where was the sea-scorpions was going. Disembarking from our boat, we quickly charged through the scorpion wall, clearing the way by handling the thrashing scorpions and throwing them aside. Night fell by the time we finished. Obviously, the Ordovician was no picnic--- you just cannot go anywhere without oxygen suits and you can't go into the water without a chain mail suit--- that doesn't sound like a very good place to take a time travel holiday.

Serena, Leena, Oxy & I discussed our findings over hot chocolate and marshmallows. We all agreed that have collected enough footage and we could all move on. Oxy’s foot was getting better. We went to Chrono's cockpit and after take-off procedures, and orange portal materialized and we continued our voyage in geological time.

Chrono appeared in the sky. The Earth has changed dramatically as we advanced forward 30 million years in time. As we noticed from our still airborne spaceship, the land has turned green in some spots. Our landing spot was chosen at a site not far from a shallow sea. Our chronometer read:” Silurian Period, 420 MYA”. We walked out of Chrono. Growing near the sea was clumps of Cooksonia, one of the first plants. Only a few centimetres tall and they had simple green stalks that kept branching in to two. These branches ended in black round spores. Occasionally though, we saw white pillar-like structures alongside the Cooksonia. Oxy went to touch one of the pillars and when she touched it, a cloud of spores was released. She sneezed in irritation.

After some discussion, we dived into the nearby shallow sea. Reefs made up of sponges dominated our view. A shoal of fish came to our view. The group of Climatius, sporting spines on their back and underbelly, ignored us. We were obviously not prey to them. However, suddenly a little fish was caught by a Brontoscorpio. Superficially, it looked like a scorpion, except it was a metre long and has bigger eyes. We watched it with caution as like its present day cousins, had a sting in its tail. However, the hunter was about to be hunted.

The Brontoscorpio was enjoying its lunch of fish when suddenly it disappeared into a cloud of dust. When the dust settled, a Pterygotus was holding the Brontoscorpio with its pincers. Brontoscorpio had no chance against its much larger rival. It got ripped apart into pieces without its bits or armour settling down the sea floor. We felt that we were lucky that we did not stand over the sport where the Brontoscorpio was as the Pterygotus could make a really big lunch from us

Another Pterygotus appeared. It swam with its paddles toward the first one. The former brandished its pincers to scare off the first animal. It seemed to want the fish that the first animal had. The two animals sized each other up and started the fight. I held the camera to film the fight. Using their pincers as weapons, they started to try to injure each other. They used their tails to manover themselves in the water. However, the turning point came when the 1st Pterygotus used its pincers to inflect a nasty looking gash in its rivals armour. The latter finally decided not to push the issue and quickly retreated, its greenish blood oozing into the water from its wound. The winner proceeded to tuck in its meal.
Night was falling and we decided to return to Chrono. We swam back towards the shore. On the shore, the sun was setting, turning the sky red. A Brontoscorpio was lying on the shoreline. It has just moulted and was not to willing to be disturbed. Its ghostly white old skin lay not too far from it. We did not think anything about it until we heard Oxy’s cries of distress.

Oxy was lying on the sand, clutching her left calf with her hands, crying out in pain, with the Brontoscorpio nearby walking away from her. As soon as possible, we rushed to her side. There was a reddish swelling on her left calf. Sobbing, she said: “It stung me here,”-pointing to her calf- “and it hurts very badly.” We carried her to Chrono. I got out the first-aid kit, took out the antivenin and injected into her arm using a syringe. Using the same syringe; I injected morphine into her arm well. She said,” Ouch, Sinwei, how much did you give me?” I replied.” 5ml, I am going to clean your wound and you are not going to like it when I do” I saw her still swollen leg and removed the stinger, still embedded inside her calf. Serean and Leena watched with interest my medical skills.
The next day, morning broke. We were in our cockpit to move 40 million years further to the future, with Serena, Leena and I operating Chrono. Oxy limped into the cockpit, wincing in pain as she goes. Leena asked her how she was and the latter replied:” Fine, Thank you very much” We activated the time portal and Chrono entered it....

Reported by: Immortal SSW

News Break - Where News Break Windows, Necks and Spines

2009-12-10T20:24:00.000-08:00

Murtabak Kingdom - the pieceful realm of Murtabak is frying in turmoil as the secret Kaypo Intelligence Unit (KIU) revealed that Princess Puree is facing a pending failure in her relationship with the evil Earl Dhal.

That impossible Queen Murtabak accused the well-loved Princess Murtabak of not helping to counsel her royal puree sibling. On one occasion, the Queen threw plates, in a failed attempt to smash the stuffings out of Princess Murtabak, causing her to flee the palace and join the Duck Medium in refuge at Siow Plaza.

Sizzling with rage, the Princess Murtabak craved for curry to be spilled and hence, declared war on the Dhal Kingdom (which is suspected to be harbouring the notorious Al Thosai Organization).

With Obliteration in mind, the princess mustered all of the military might of the United Emirates of Indian Cuisine Nation to decimate every single dhal particle of the wicked Earl Dhal with the newly-invented Rendang Missile and Asam Pedas Bomb.

Reported by: Kaypoberry