Due to overwhelming response (99% negative, 1% neutral) from the Freaktopian masses, the Kung Fu Massage Parlour is expanding, after only 3 days of launch of the new business. Exciting new services will be provided as follows, with the hiring of even more incompetent Kung Fu masters from exotic places such as the Mount Er Mei Mei, Wudung Temple, and the Ancient Cemetery on Mount Zhongnan.
Skill: Nine Yin White Bone Claw (unorthodox version)
Description: For customers suffering from chronic uncontrollable itching, the masseuse will utilise her long and unwashed fingernails to claw all the skin off the customer. Alternatively, if the customer desires to lose weight quickly, the masseuse will stab her toenails into the customer’s body and absorb the fats into her own body to be converted into inner energy to service the next customer.
Suitable for: controllable itching, obesity
Side effects: permanent scarring, permanent loss of skin or death by mincing. For liposuction services, customers may 99.9% perish as the masseuse might suck him/her drier than the Sahara Desert.
Skill: Nine Yin White Bone Claw (orthodox version)
Description: The mistress will use her sharp fingernails to burst any acne or pimple on the customer’s face. Also, she will use the sharpness of her nails to dig out every single whitehead and blackhead that exist in the pores of the customer’s face.
Suitable: outbreaks of acne or pimples. Permanent removal of heads
Side effects: accidental decapitation or disfigurement. Squeezing black and whiteheads carries the risk of severing major arteries on the head which may lead to death via haemorrhaging, coma or permanent brain damage.
Skill: Jiu Yang Shen Gong (Nine Sun Divine Skill)
Description: An expert in this martial art will stand under a baking desert sun and mix the heat with his burning internal energy. He then hits the customer hard on the back and channels the searing energy to dispel all chills and boosts the overall vitality to encourage regeneration and healing.
Suitable for: Frostbite patients, chills and other assorted maladies
Side effects: spontaneous combustion, permanent brain damage, accidental mummification via severe dehydration. Customers who survive the heat may undergo genetic mutation and develop mutant powers or sprout extra appendages and limbs. Temporary Jesus Syndrome may be experienced*.
Price: $9999 per 0.1°C
Skill: Iron Palms
Description: Using his iron-like palms which was developed over millennia by hitting Mount Ro, the Kung Fu mistress Qiu Qianren will viciously strike the customer in the various vital accupoints and joints. This will allow the pressure points to open and let the energy and clogged blood to flow.
Suitable for: paralyzed patients. Chronic lethargy or numbness
Side effects: smashed organs, utter destruction of skeleton and death
Cost: $999 per strike and additional $9999 for unblocking each acupoint
Skill: Toad Stance
Description: The master and creator of this skill, Ouyang Feng, will take on the stance of a toad that is preparing to leap to its death. Gathering his inner energy about his legs and palms, the master will leap with great force and hit the customer hard on the chest, back or stomach to dislodge whatever they want to be dislodged.
Suitable for: pregnant women experiencing difficult labour, abortion for unwanted pregnancies, induce vomiting for anorexics, conjoined twins and customers choking on fishballs or fish bones.
Side effects: customers may be flung off their beds/feet and smash into neighbouring customers or parlour walls. Ruptured organs may result. Customers may also be split apart should the master use excessive force.
*Extracted from WoodBridge Dictionary of Medicine
Jesus Syndrome is a temporary malady which causes the patient to grow a beard like Jesus and develop a fashion sense like the Holy Son. It was also observed that the patient will be able to perform minor miracles like curing the terminally ill, parting traffic and walk on flooded drains without falling in and drowning. Symptoms of this illness are physically visible as a golden halo will surround the head, sounds of heavenly trumpets will surround the patient and puncture wounds will appear on the palms and feet of the patient, in addition to the outdated dress sense and horrible beard.
The syndrome could only be contracted by praying to god for no reason, visiting the church (blessed toilets are included) more than 365 times a day or eating a Bible (VCD, DVD and audio recordings are included are well). There is no cure for this illness and treatment is not necessary as it will pass after a decade or so, the time taken for Jesus to be arrested, tortured and crucified. The public should note that Jesus Syndrome is non-infectious.
A more severe case of Jesus Syndrome is called Hyper-divinity Syndrome. Here, the patient will have access to arcane abilities to flood Freaktopia, call forth the ten plagues or condemn ordinary mortals to Hell if they did not obey or worship the patient. Many delusional patients claimed to be inflicted with such disease, however do not exhibit symptoms such as obscurity of the face by thick clouds or bright light, booming voice and ability to smite mortals down with lightning bolts or other assorted natural or unnatural calamities.
The sole remedy for this non-infectious disease is Expiration Therapy to allow the patient depart from the mortal realm before more misfortune befalls it. Therapists are to note that all conventional methods of murder and exorcism will not work, and they are expected to perish while trying to convince the patient to expire as soon as possible.
Reported by: Duck Medium