Monday, November 29, 2010

Allopia Spy School Opens New Campus in Sinkapula

Freaktopia - The prestigious education and training institute for young elites and child prodigies, Allopia Spy School, is opening a new campus on the sunny island of Sinkapula. The new campus will be headed by Mr Dumbdoor, who has previously led the Hogwash School of Witchcraft and Wizardry to the top of the College Ranking List in the Freaktopian Financial Times for 99 years in a row.

"I am very excited to join the Allopia Spy School, which has consistently produced the best spies, assassins, secret agents and other intelligence and espionage experts who have contributed greatly to the peace and chaos of Freaktopia and the Other Realm." Said Mr Dumbdoor in a press conference. According to the Director of Allopia Spy School, Mr Dumbdoor will be appointed as the Principal under a 999 years contract. During which, he will be paid an annual salary of $7.7 billion and a monthly bonus of $1.50.

The degrees and some of the modules offered for each track are as follows:
1. Ninja track
- Ninja History and Culture
- Japanese language Level 1 - 20
- Nanchaku skills Level 1 - 10
- Kata skills Level 1 - 15
- Invisibility Skills Level 1 - 10
- Tree Climbing & Jumping Skills Level 1 - 15

2. Assassin track
- Weapons theory
- Weapons practical 1: Assembly and disassembly
- Weapons practical 2: Shooting Level 1 - 20
- Sneaking Skills Level 1 - 20
- Disguising Skills Level 1 - 10
- Martial Arts (choice of Shaolin/Wudang/Emei/Foshan Sect Skills)
- Language Skills (Choice of 30 out of 50 languages offered)
- 1 year practical skills training at the Assassins Camp on Mount Ro

3. Hackers track
- Computer theory
- Hacking Basic Theory
- Hacking Skills Level 1 - 100
- Programming Skills Level 1 - 50
- Basic Spying Skills Level 1 - 5

4. Double Agent track (Choice of Triad Route or Police Route)
- Undercover Theory
- Guest Lectures and practical skills workshops by ex-undercover agents
- Undercover Skills Level 1 - 20
- Gangster Behavior and Mannerism OR Police Behavior and Mannerism
- Advanced Spying Skills Level 1 - 20
- Acting Classes Level 1 - 20

5. Detective track
- Detective Work Theory
- Forensic Theory Level 1 - 10
- Forensic Practical Level 1 - 10
- Intermediate Weapons Skills Level 1 - 5
- Intermediate Spying Skills Level 1 - 10
- Advanced Snooping Skills Level 1 - 20
- 1 year Attachment at CIA or FBI

There will be a students recruitment roadshow held on Mount Pra (location sponsored by Holy Immortal SSW) on 1st January 2012 (assuming no apocalypse occurs). Registration fee is $100000 - Admission not guaranteed unless you bribe the Registration officer with $999999999 and 2 mandarin oranges.

Talent scouts will also hunt all around Freaktopia and the Other Realm for talented candidates who can then be admitted to the new Allopia Spy School campus for free.

Reported by: Urban Geek

Sunday, November 14, 2010

News Flash! War and Beauties

Freaktopia (Mutabak Kingdom) – Kaneenabo, a leading company in the beauty industry, had recently launched its new product, Forever 91, at Bimbo City. Forever 91 is a much anticipated product by the bratty underage population of Freaktopia as it hastens the consumer’s maturity and accelerates aging. Inhabitants as young as newborns are clamouring for the immediate sale of Forever 91, ever since Kaneenabo announced its intention to research for a way to solve the young consumers’ issue with age limits since last millennium.

Due to the intense marketing and promotional activities by its competitor, Forever 21 Inc, and coupled with Forever 21’s miraculous Forever 21 Beauty Pills which grant the consumers everlasting youth and retained the looks they had when they were 21, all of Kaneenabo’s customers flocked over to Forever 21 Inc in an instant. As a result, the company suffered tremendous loss of profits and was on the brink of bankruptcy.

However, Kaneenabo decided to make a comeback by introducing a different and unique product of a contrasting nature to the Forever 21 beauty pills. Forever 91 causes the consumers to physically age so rapidly that they are 91 years old in the battling of a heavily-coloured eyelid, yet retaining their original mental age.

The company is glad to announce that the effect is permanent, irreversible and cannot be counteracted by the immortalising properties of any substance containing traces of Essence of SSW. Being matured externally, the underage consumer is able to watch R21 movies, purchase cigarettes and alcohol, purchase firearms, purchase or rent cars and enter clubs and brothels though his/her/its identification card says otherwise. Furthermore, Forever 91 allows the consumer to retain the visage they had when they were 91!

Ms Ah Ma, President of the Association of Endangered Elderly and the founder of the Institute for the Hopelessly Single, attended the product launch together with a truckload of old folks and an army of unmarried, unwanted and undesirable singles. “Forever 91is absolutely incredible!” exclaimed Ms Ah Ma excitedly before going into cardiac arrest. “I cannot remember how I look since I was 91,” quipped Mr Ah Pek, 92.

Forever 91, is now available in all major shopping centres, 7-11s, neighbourhood mama shops and elderly homes near you. Anyone with a birth certificate is entitles to an additional tax of 1700% for every purchase. Produce your receipt and enjoy a free matchmaking session with any candidate of your choice from the Institute for the Hopelessly Single.
- Reported by Duck Medium

Kaneenabo had submitted an official complaint, together with laboratory results from the Royal Urban University of Mutabak, to King Yama, ruler of the Other Realm, claiming that the Forever 21 beauty pill contained generous amounts of Essence of Immortal SSW, a mysterious substance that was scientifically and spiritually proven to grant irreversible immortality.

The complaint was made through the Duck Medium. The file caused King Yama to burst several major arteries as Forever 21 denied him his claim on spirits. The Other Realm had sent an order to stop all production and sale of Forever 21 to Princess Mutabak, the monarch ruling the Mutabak Kingdom with gauntleted fists.

“A recent treaty signed by Freaktopia, Heavenly Realm and the Other Realm stated the Essence of Immortal SSW as a Class S controlled substance as it is capable of causing widespread devastation to all planes of existence due to its invincible and irreversible immortalising property,” intoned the Princess Mutabak in a brain-dead voice.

“SSW Immortal Products could only be sold to certified immortals, deceased and those conducting celestial research at the Royal Urban University of Mutabak’s Department of Theoretical and Practical Immortality,” said the Princess after punching a Straights Times reporter full in the face when the deaf imbecile asked the Her Highness to repeat her previous statement.

“I, hereby, decree all consumers of Forever 21 to undergo Expiration Therapy at Freak Tock Seng Hospital until they are fully de-immortalised. Forever 21 Inc is to cease all production and sale immediately, although I would like to have a carton of it as a sample,” said the Princess Mutabak before retiring back to her Royal Palace and slamming the newly-replaced door off its hinges.

-additional reporting by Duck Medium

Sunday, November 7, 2010

News Flash! F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix

Eggplant Expressway (Veggiepura) – This year’s annual F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix will be held in Veggiepura after the vegetarian nation won the hosting bid by a huge margin as the other competitors’ representatives mysteriously vanished or wound up in the country’s mortuary in ash urns, cola bottles, packed into packets of NTUC minced pork.

“Veggiepura is proud to host this year’s F5 Freaktopia Grand Prix. We are confident of winning the hosting bid as lots of ‘preparation’ and ‘careful planning’ have been done to ensure success. The event will definitely garner lots of visitors from Freaktopia, the Heavenly Realm and the Other Realm as Veggiepura has worked hard to prevent live broadcast, online streaming, satellite spying and crystal ball viewing of the event,” said a spokesperson from Veggiepura’s Ministry of Information, Communication and Arts. It also mentioned that the country is going make the event the most exciting, costliest and bloodiest in the history of F5 racing.

The F5 Inter-realm Racing Committee (FIRC) revealed plans to select Veggiepura’s Eggplant Expressway as the race’s course. Eggplant Expressway boasts an impressive length of 987654321 km with a total of 987654321000 Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) gantries. Each gantry is located just 1 metre from the next and charges $100 for passing through it. To ensure that the country will not suffer from revenue loss, all participating vehicles will be installed with a device that blows up the vehicle and its driver with the force of 200 nuclear warheads should it try to pass through a gantry with insufficient cash. The Eggplant Expressway begins at the foot of Mount St. Salad and wound itself around the mountain’s treacherous slopes. It then enters the mountain at the summit, roller-coaster itself through the mountain’s pitch black interior and exit out into Scarecrow Field, which is populated by residential possessed scarecrows and spectral crows. According to the ruling of F5, racers are required to make 999 rounds around the race circuit to complete it.

The Freakstimes understands that the FIRC intends to have several racing vehicles sabotaged, coating the mountainous tracks with Extra-Slip Canola Cooking Oil and booby-trapping Scarecrow Field with ZGMF-666s Legendary Landmines. The sabotaged vehicles will have their brakes removes, wheels loosened and have a contorted Al-Thosai suicide bomber expertly planted and concealed beneath the driver’s seat. Meanwhile, coating the race tracks with cooking oil will give bookies all over Freaktopia to open more windows for illegal betting such as which particular racer will slip off the mountain to its death at the 554th corner and how many racers will zoom off the cliff at top speed.

Finally, the planting of landmines in Scarecrow Field will give racers trained in Minesweeper a chance to outstrip their speedier counterparts who are pondering over the possible mine locations for a time long enough for the Duck Medium to reincarnate several times. These are some of the actions the FIRC will be taking to give the F5 race a more exciting vibe and the surprise to keep the audience glued permanently to their seats.

“Of course, enthusiastic audiences are very much welcomed to join their favourite racers in the race by running beside them, or welding themselves to the vehicles,” said Mr Zhng Engine, the chairperson of the organising committee. He added that any additional ideas or efforts to increase the body count are much appreciated and will be placed into action without any delay. It is revealed that all funeral costs and repairs to damaged public and private properties will be handled by the racers.

F5, held annually in different parts of Freaktopia, is the grandest and most anticipated racing event in the history of Freaktopia. It involves highly-trained mutabaks travelling at a breakneck speed of 0.1mm per hour in professional racing trishaws. Over several uncountable millennia, the rules have mutated and today, racers are allowed to use vehicles such as unicycles and push carts. Several critics speculated that some might be using toy scooters, NTUC trolleys and wheelchairs installed with jet engines or propellers.

There has not been a champion since 35,000 BM (Before Mutabak) as all of the participants perished within 10cm of the starting line. It was forecasted by the High Summoner Urban Geek and Duck Medium that all of the racers will die from diseases, curses, accidents and other assorted misfortunes and unforeseen circumstances before the starting horn goes off. Several racers such as Ferrero Asshole and Michelle Shoemaker took the predictions very seriously and had employed the Duck Medium to bribe King Yama of the Other Realm to allow them to survive the race, although no promises of avoiding misfortunes such as loss of limbs, paralysis and permanent coma were made. “Maybe I might get a Replacement Slave from Shop N Slave to take my place,” said a paranoid Mr Asshole who started seeing death portents everywhere since the spiritual proclamations by the Medium and Summoner.

- Reported by Mr Sam Spoiler and additional reporting by F5 correspondent, Mr Bob Bodywork